Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Ten: Zora's River & Zora's Domain ( Chapter 10 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! -The Cheesy Zelda Musical
by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE TEN: TAKE ME TO THE RIVER!

In this scene...

Link, the Hero!
Navi, the Fairy!
Kaepora Gaebora, the evil owl from HECK!
The Fabulous Five Froggish Tenors! (Luciano, Figaro, Pavarotti, Bocelli, and Karl.)
Bean-Selling Dude!
King Zora, the big, big, big, fat, fat, fat thing!
Several Random Zoras!
And the voice of Queen Zora! [Wow- that's new]

And, in pointless, plotless cameos that GG put in for her own twisted enjoyment-

Ganondorf, the Evil Guy!
A few random Gerudos!
Zelda, the Princess!
Impa, the Sheikah!

(Scene: The beginning of Zora's River. Triumphant music is playing, as Link and Navi make their way to the domain of the Zoras- Zora's Domain! [er... duh])

Link: [whistling the Carpenter's song]

Navi: And so begins another long, dangerous, and pointless quest!

Link: Oh, maybe not POINTLESS. After all, we are saving Hyrule!

Navi: Yeah, right. We have no proof at all that Ganondorf is even evil. Zelda's just sorta crazy that way.

Link: ... You're right. [shrugs] Oh well. Can't argue with her, can't eat her. Poor little deluded thing, thinks I'm in love with her.

Navi: [pauses] Wait- you ARE in love with her! You said so yourself!

Link: I changed my mind. I like redheads. Malon is mine.

Navi: [rolls her eyes] Oh brother.

Sinister Voice: Guess HOOOOOOOOOOO?!

Navi and Link: [shrieks of terror] OH NO! NOT...

[That's riiiiight... Lightning and thunder strike, and Kaepora Gaebora appears sitting on a wall nearby]

Kaepora Gaebora: AHEM! [clears his throat] MIMIMIMIIIIIIII...
Hello, again
It has been quite a while
Since I have seen you two
Oh wait- no it hasn't
I just finished dropping you two off
In Kakariko Village after the mountain.

Link: WHY... WON'T YOU LEAVE US ALONE?!?!

Kaepora Gaebora:
This domain, it belongs to the Zoras
They are the people of water, and they're fishes
They live in Zora's Domain and they have
Been friends to the King for a really long time
They have the Stone of Water
But I bet that you already knew that!
They all serve great King Zora XII
And he is really fat
He has a daughter who many people find
Is even worse than me
But seeing as you'll meet her soon
I guess that you are going to have to see.

Navi: [cowering in fear] JUST GO!

Kaepora Gaebora:
Do you want to hear what I said again?

Link: NOOOOOOOOOO! [accompanied by "Psycho" music]

Kaepora Gaebora:
OK, then
I guess I'll see you later
So long, I'll annoy you another day...
HOOT HOOT HOOT HO!

[He flies away, and Link and Navi sigh in relief]

Link: PHEW! We survived!

Navi: That guy has GOTTA be the most annoying person in the game.

[Everything freezes, and the Narrator glides out onto the scene]

Narrator: Unbeknownst to Navi, but knownst to us, Kaepora Gaebora has a four-way-tie for the most annoying people in the game. One of which you haven't met yet.

[He glides away, and the scene resumes]

[Suddenly, Link sees a strange little man near a gate by the river eating beans out of a bag.]

Link: Hey, look! I see a strange little man near a gate by the river eating beans out of a bag!

Navi: [slaps forehead]

[The beginning of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson plays as the two of them approach the strange guy]

Bean-Seller: DUDE! These are like, some TASTY beans!

Link: Gee... you think you've eaten enough of them?

Bean-Seller: Why do you ask?

Navi: [holds her (invisible, fairy) nose] It smells like a farm over here.

Bean-Seller: [farting sound FX] Oh. That would be me, then.

Link: WOO! [waves hand in his face] That is rank! What kind of beans are those?

Bean-Seller: They're MAGIC beans!

Navi: From the way they smell, I guess so!

Bean-Seller: They're not very popular right now... only 10 Rupees a piece.

Link: Why... would anyone want Magic Beans?

Bean-Seller: WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THEM!?! ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND?!

[He leaps to his feet, and dons a sparkly glove. Moonwalking around the bank of the river, he begins his song]

(A/N: I realize Weird Al already wrote a parody of this song called "Eat It". But mine is different. Really. And you try thinking of a song for this guy!)

Bean-Seller: [grabs his crotch, Link and Navi make faces]
WOO!
OW!
I'll eat 'em!
You see my friend, I am selling magic beans!
They've got some carbs and several complex proteins!
If you have them for lunch they're good for your spleens!
Or eat it! Just eat it!
WOO!
You can use them to make a tasty beef stew!
Or mix them in soymilk, I don't care what you do.
But these beans are gonna make your dreams come true!
Or eat it! Just eat it!

Link: Well, that goes without saying...

Bean-Seller: [as he walks, he keeps on farting]
I'LL EAT IT! (Eat it!) EAT IT! (Eat it!)
BUY IT, OR I'M GONNA EAT IT!
Back-up your hard drive, replace a light!
These beans can do magic, but if you don't buy them right
I'll just eat 'em! I'll just eat it!
WOO!

These beans are magic, you know it's true!
There's just no limit to what you can do!
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish [Pa-dum, chiiii!]
If you don't buy these beans you are gonna wish
I won't eat 'em! But I'll eat 'em!

I used to be a little kid like you!
Buy these beans now, or you'll have a dumb job, too!

Link: [screams] NOOOO! I'LL TAKE ONE, I'LL TAKE ONE!

Navi: Hey, wait! You're gettin' ripped off, Link!

Bean-Seller:
If he don't buy the very bean he wants now
I'll eat it! I'll eat it!
I'LL EAT IT! (Eat it!) EAT IT! (Eat it!)
BUY IT, OR I'M GONNA EAT IT!
Back-up your hard drive, replace a light!
These beans can do magic, but if you don't buy them right
I'll just eat 'em! I'll just eat it!
WOO!

[Link empties his pockets for 10 Rupees, and pays the Bean-Seller]

Bean-Seller: [takes off his glove, sits down with one last gigantic fart] Thank you, my good man! [PHHHOOOOOOOOOOOMP!] You won't be sorry you did business with me!

Link: I think I feel my nosehairs burning off.

[Link takes his bean and looks it over.]

Link: Oooooh... neato rainbow colors... I want another one! And they're cheap, too.

Bean-Seller: That'll be 20 Rupees.

Link: WHAT?!

Bean-Seller: They're getting more popular. Supply and demand, kid.

Link: But- But no one else has bought any since I bought mine three second ago! What are you talking about?!

Bean-Seller: You stupid dummy. I sell beans over the internet!

[The Bean-Seller pulls a laptop out of his bag. On the screen is displayed a website called "Bean-Seller.com, and it's got a GIF image of the Bean-Seller in a sparkly glove repeatedly grabbing his crotch]

Navi: [raises eyebrows] Is that really appropriate for a PG-rated musical?

Bean-Seller: Would you prefer my 70's look?

["I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5 plays in the background briefly. He holds up a picture of himself with an afro and 4 other guys who look just like him.]

Link: Um... no thanks... [whispers to Navi] Come on, Navi... he's a scary man...

[They shuffle away quickly, and head farther up the river. Guitar chords play in the background]

Link: I swear this goony little quest of ours gets weirder and weirder every second!

Navi: No kidding. At least there haven't been any singing...

Frog 1:
Hello...

Frog 2:
Hello...

Frog 3:
Hello...

Frog 4:
Hello...

Frog 5:
HELLO!

Five Froggish Tenors:
HELLOOOOOO!

Navi: [freezes in place] ... AMPHIBIANS.

Link: [standing on a log, snickering like Beavis] HEH HEH... HEH... Check it out, Navi! These frogs can talk! DUDE! HEH HEH... HEH...

Navi: Stop it, NOW.

Link: [shuts up] Stopping...

[Soft, gentle classical music plays in the background, and the blue frog [#4] begins to play a violin solo. The other frogs sing backup as each one sings. Make up your own song, I guess- but I find that the lyrics work very well with "Suketi Da Ne" from FFX]

Frog 1 (AKA Red Frog/Luciano):
Hello, there son
How you doing today?

Frog 2 (AKA Yellow Frog/Figaro):
We are the Five
Froggish Tenors...

Frog 3 (AKA Green Frog/Pavarotti):
You are here now, and we would like to say

Frog 4 (AKA Blue Frog/Bocelli):
That we want you to hear our new song...

Frog 5 (AKA White Frog/Karl):
It gets boring all day
Croaking and ribbiting

Luciano, Pavarotti, and Karl:
So we make better use of our time...

Figaro and Bocelli:
We make sweet melodies
And croak them to travelers

All:
Who happen to pass by!

[They all put their arms around each others shoulders, and sway back and forth waving lighters]

Luciano:
Kinda funny, isn't it?

Figaro:
How can we sing this much?

Pavarotti:
As we make up our lyrics on the spot...

Bocelli:
Some people might think...

Karl:
That we can't sing that good...

All:
BUT IT'S TRUE, RIGHT THEY'RE NOT!

Luciano:
Cause it's a fact...

Figaro:
That we're paid more than you...

Pavarotti:
Because we take two jobs...

Bocelli:
WE ALSO DO...

Karl: [interrupts a dramatic violin solo]
This!

All: [angelic voices]
DEEEEESTIIIIIINYYYYYYYYY!!!

Link: WHOA! YOU guys are the destiny singers?

All Five: [very loud, and very high]
DEEEEEESSSSTTIIIIIIIINNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Link: [making a face] ... OW. [sticks finger in ear]

Luciano: [singing to the tune of the song again]
You... bet... your... hero's butt!

Navi: Hey, wait a sec- and you get paid more than us?

Figaro:
Yes... ma'am... we do!

Navi: [snaps fingers] Nuts.

Link: [grins nervously] Well, it's nice to meet you guys, but... Ya see, we... um... we kinda have to get on our way...

Pavarotti: WHAAA!? No way, kid! We haven't even done our musical number yet!

Link: YOU HAVEN'T!? Then what was that?

Bocelli: The INTRODUCTION to our musical number.

Navi: Oh NO!

Karl: Yeah, our real musical number is 20 minutes long with bridges.

Link: [eyes widen]

Luciano: We may as well get started, boys!

Figaro: Of course! BOYYYYEEEEEESSSSS! E-FLAT! NOW!

[They all sing a tuning note, spray some breath-freshener in their mouths, and dramatic drum solos begin]

Luciano:
WE ARE...

Figaro:
THE FIIIIIIIIIIVE-

Pavarotti:
FROG-

Bocelli:
GISH-

Karl:
TE-ENOOOOOOOOOOOOOORSSSSSSS...

Link: [sighs, sits down on the riverbank]

Navi: [sighs, sits on his shoulder]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dance]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
THEY WERE STILL LISTENING TO THE FROGS A FEW HOURS LATER!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: What appears to be the great grand finale of the Five Froggish Tenor's song. Sparkling neon lights, flashing strobes, wild rock music, and lots of female frogs dressed like showgirls dance in the background, creating a gigantic display of song, dance, and pretty shiny things.)

Froggish Tenors:
AND THAT IS HOW WE ALL CAME TO BE
THESE FROG SINGERS THAT WE ALL ARE!
NOW WE END OUR BIG SONG WITH OUR GOOD FRIEND BOCELLI
CLOSING OUT PLAYING THE GUITAR!

[Bocelli plays the last wild guitar chords, and with a flash everything vanishes]

Frog Showgirls:
AND THAT'S HOW THEY ALL CAME TO BE! HEE HEE! [they wink and disappear]

Luciano: Well then, ribbit! What are you two doing here at the river on this ribbit afternoon?

Figaro: [smacks him] You not-ribbit! It's already 11:00 PM!

[Sure enough, it's dark out.]

Pavarotti: ... Wow, ribbit. That song is a ribbit longer than I ribbit-member.

Bocelli: So, where's that kid and the ribbit looking bug thing?

[Link and Navi are sound asleep]

Karl: Those not-ribbit people! Let's wake them up!

["Whipping" sound effects as the frogs shoot out their tongues to lick them awake]

Navi: [mumbling] What's... what's going-

Sound FX: WHOOOOOOOPPPPPPAAAOWW!

Navi: [sticks to Karl's tongue, and flies into his mouth] WAAAAA!

[Karl's eyes pop wide open and bright beacons of light shine out of his eyes and his ears]

Karl: I can't -ribbit- SEE! This is so not-ribbit!

Luciano: Spit her -ribbit- out, you dumbnut.

Link: [wakes up to find Bocelli's tongue stuck to him] WAAA! Yargh! Hey- where did Navi go?

[He sees Figaro and Pavarotti struggling to yank Navi out of Karl's mouth]

Link: NAVVIIIIIIII!

Karl: [burps, Navi pops out of his mouth and hits the turf]

Navi: OWWWW! I THINK I BUSTED A WING!

Karl: Sorry about that -ribbit- not-ribbit experience.

Link: [picks up Navi, dusts her off] Whaddya mean... "Not-ribbit"?

Luciano: We frogs only have two ways to describe good and bad things-

Pavarotti: "Ribbit" and "Not-Ribbit".

Link: Hey wait- but you just said-

Figaro: SHHHHHHHHH!

Link: Oh, sorry. But watch what you're eating, will ya? As "not-ribbit" as Navi is, I need her.

Navi: WHAAAAaAT?!? "Not-Ribbit"?! Why I oughtta...

Bocelli: [slurred speech] Sccccoo. What bringsc you to thesce partsc, Fairy Boy?

Link: [cringe, then points at his arm] Could you please unstick your tongue from my arm? That's "not-ribbit".

Bocelli: Oh. Scorry. [takes his tongue back]

Navi: We're looking for the entrance to Zora's Domain.

Karl: Aaaahh... How Ribbit. What for -ribbit-?

Link: Ya see, there's this princess and she thinks this evil guy's gonna attack our land unless we can collect these three stones and then the Ocarina of Time so that we can open the Sacred Realm and protect the Triforce, only I think that's a really bad idea and she just insisted that I go so we just got back from Death Mountain where I got the Goron's Ruby, having already had the Kokiri's Emerald, and now I am off to get the Zora's Sapphire completing my mission as well as the logical complete collection of Spiritual Stones!

[He takes a very deep breath]

Navi: Geesh, and people say I'M bad with rambling.

Frogs: ... RIIIIIIIGHT. -ribbit-.

Link: [gasps for air]

Luciano: Well, the entrance to Zora's Domain is thatta-way. [he points]

Figaro: But since the king is not-ribbit, you'll have to know the song of the royal family.

Link: Got it covered! [Plays the song]

[The frogs stare at him in awe]

Pavarotti: ... WOOWWWWWWWW! THAT'S THE RIBBIT SONG I'VE EVER HEARD!

Bocelli: IT'S SO RIBBIT IT CHANGES THE MEANING OF THE WORD RIBBIT!

Karl: NOW WE CAN SING THAT RIBBIT SONG ALL DAY LONG IF WE WANT TO!

Luciano: LET'S SHOWER OUR RIBBIT FRIEND WITH RIBBIT AMOUNTS OF MONETARY COMPENSATION!

Figaro: HERE YOU ARE, YOU RIBBIT YOUNG MAN!

[They shower him with a ribbit- er, I mean, they shower him with generous amounts of monetary compensation]

Link: WOWWWEEEEE! THAT'S RIBBIT!

Navi: ... WHERE did a couple of frogs get THAT MUCH money?

Luciano: Um...

Figaro: Er...

Pavarotti: That is...

Bocelli: Uh...

Karl: WELL, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME?! IT'S GETTING RIBBIT LATE! CIAO!

[The frogs sing a final note of the first song, and disappear below the water]

Link: [counting his generous monetary compensation] I dunno WHERE they got this money... BUT I LOVE THOSE GUYS!

Navi: Will you hurry? It's almost midnight. We'd better get to Zora's Domain as fast as we can.

Link: Why are you in such a hurry?

Navi: If Zelda finds out that you've got that much money from an unknown source...

Link: Oh jeez, what's she gonna do, SCREAM at me?

(Scene: In Zelda's room at Hyrule Castle. Zelda is preparing for bed, and Impa is brushing her hair)

Zelda: [pissed] OOOOH, THAT LINK! I could SCREAM at him!

Impa: What for, princess?

Zelda: He never came back to see me after I sent him off... what if he got eaten by the Dodongos? WHAT IF... WHAT IF I SENT HIM OFF TO HIS DOOM!??! [biting nails] NOOO! I'D NEVER SEE HIS HOT LITTLE BODY AGAIN-

Impa: ZELDA!

Zelda: Er, I mean... I'M GONNA GET SUED BY SOMEBODY!

Impa: I don't know why you're so upset about Ganondorf anyway, Zelda. There's no proof that he's even gonna do anything.

Zelda: But I know him, Impa! I know how he is!

Impa: No, you don't. I know him better than you do.

Zelda: [eyes pop out] REAAAAALLY?! How?!

Impa: None of your business.

Zelda: [puppy eyes] Please?

Impa: NONE of your business.

Zelda: Why do you know him, Impa? Why?

Impa: I don't want to talk about it.

Zelda: HOW?! Did you two go out on a date?! Did you MAKE OUT WITH HIM?! EEWWWWW!

Impa: I SAID I didn't want to talk about it!

Zelda: Awww, come on, Impa!

[Gentle harp-strings]

Impa: All right, all right! Yes, I went out with him in high school. ONCE.

Zelda: Ooooh, tell me about it!

Impa: NO.

Zelda: Come on!

Impa: [groans] Oh, fine. I'll tell it as your bedtime story...

(Scene: Instantly zaps over to Ganondorf's room in Gerudo Valley. He screams in rage and slams on the desk, and he seems to be looking over some old parchments.)

Ganondorf: DARN THE LUCK! DARN THIS INFERNAL LUCK!

[Two Gerudos enter]

Carmen the Gerudo: Is there a problem, Master?

Larna the Gerudo: Do you need some help.

Ganondorf: [sighs, takes a big drink out of a whiskey bottle] Oh... all I can get...

Carmen: [looks at the parchments] You're STILL looking in this Triforce Legend?

Larna: Sir, it's been almost 6 weeks! I don't think you'll find anything else.

Ganondorf: DARN THIS INFERNAL LUCK! There's GOT to be SOME kind of clue here!

Carmen: Let me see, sir.

[She and Larna dig through the parchment pile, and a small picture falls out.]

Larna: What's this, Master?

Ganondorf: NOO! DON'T LOOK AT THAT!

[He snatches for the picture, but Carmen grabs it first. It's a picture of Ganondorf at his senior prom- WITH IMPA.]

Carmen: MASTER!

Larna: GOOD GRIEF!

Ganondorf: [sighs]

Carmen: Isn't that the last Sheikah, Impa? Princess Zelda's attendant?!

Ganondorf: Yes.

Larna: Why is she in this picture?! Did she go to high school with you?!

Ganondorf: [groans] Yes.

Carmen: So you took her to prom?! WOW!

Larna: I never even thought you could GET dates, Master!

Ganondorf: [death look] SHADDUP!

Carmen: What was it like?!

Larna: How did it go?!

Both: TELL US, TELL US! LET US KNOW!

[Harp strings open up the pointless in-here-for-the-helluvit Ganondorf and Impa's Date Song. The stage separates into two halves- one half shows Impa telling the story to Zelda, and the other shows the two Gerudos listening to Ganondorf.]

[The beginning is mysteriously like the intro of "Someday My Prince Will Come" from Disney's Snow White]

Impa: Once, there was a Sheikah.

Zelda: Was the Sheikah... YOU?!

Ganondorf: And we fell in love...

Carmen: Was it hard to do?!

Ganondorf: [pumps iron] With these muscles? Are you kiddin' me?! It was very easy!

Impa: Everybody thought that he was charming. I thought he was the only one for me.

Zelda: Was he strong, and handsome?!

Larna: Were you big, and tall?

Impa: There was nobody like him. Anywhere at all.

Ganondorf: Bet your butt, man! [pumps iron some more]

Carmen: Did you say... you loved her?!

Zelda: Did he... steal a kiss?!

Ganondorf:
I WAS SO ROMANTIC...
She could not resist!

[Beautiful harp music accompanies part one of "The Fateful Date of Ganondorf and Impa"]

Impa:
That... day... he drove so far...
In... his import German car...

Ganondorf:
And so back to my castle, we'd ride!
Cause I forgot her corsage inside!

Zelda: Aaah... [dreamy-eyed]

Carmen and Larna: Oooh...

Ganondorf:
And I thought the dance would go all right...
Then I'd give her a sweet kiss goodnight...

Impa:
He was a young evil king...

Ganondorf:
I thought wedding bells would ring.

Impa:
Little did I know my dream... come... true... - [speaking] Would go horribly wrong the second he picked me up.

[The harp music shorts out, and it replaced with piano chords]

Ganondorf: [groans, sits again] And it just went downhill from there.

[The song changes to "Summer Nights" by Olivia Newton John (from Grease, remember?)]

Impa:
He picked me up.
In his old junker.
I think I smelled
Something dead in the trunk-er.
Something sticky
Was spilled on the seat...

Ganondorf:
And then I took her out to eat

Impa:
At McDonald's...
For $2.99
Luckily, my Big Mac tasted fine.

Zelda:
TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE!
Did you get there on time?

Impa:
Couldn't tell, cause his car clock
Was covered in grime...

Gerudos:
TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE!
At least were you polite?

Ganondorf:
I don't think she enjoyed
My loud belching all night...

[He shrugs, and continues the song]

When we got there, I helped her indoors
Bad news for me, they'd just waxed the floors...
So I tripped, falling helplessly down.

Impa:
He landed on me, and ripped up my gown!
It would have been an accident see,
If he hadn't said, "Hey, look at me! [very quickly] I got her before the dance even started!"

Zelda, Gerudos: [gasp, and sing some more]
TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE!
What'd you do after that?

Impa:
Kicked him up till his whole face turned purple and fat.

Zelda, Gerudos:
After that, did you dance
Did you have a good date?

Ganondorf:
It was fine, till it got about a quarter to eight.

Impa and Ganondorf:
We had made up, from that earlier offense

Ganondorf:
And I figured, "Let the wooing commence!"

Impa:
We sat out on the porch of the gym
And I sat about three inches from him...

[Zelda and the Gerudos gasp]

Ganondorf:
The awkward part was almost past...

Impa:
Then he grabbed my thigh and I kicked his @$$!

Zelda:
TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE!
Did you leave him alone?

Impa:
I hung him by his undies and left him to moan.

Gerudos:
TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE!
DID ANYONE LET YOU GO?!

Ganondorf:
Mickey let me down, and by Tuesday the whole D@MN school did know!

Zelda:
So was that the worst date you've ever had?

Gerudos:
Oh, for sure you must have made her mad!

Ganondorf:
It wasn't the worst, although it was bad!

Impa:
In conclusion, I say only this:
Nasty comments and music by Hanson.
I would have had a better time with Charles Manson.

[Spiffy dance routine by both Ganondorf and Impa, as well as the Gerudos and Zelda]

Zelda:
What a nightmare! It must have been awful!

Ganondorf:
Her shoe imprints left my face like a waffle.

Gerudos:
Well no wonder, you were such a jerk!

Ganondorf:
I was sure that my techniques would work...

Impa:
And that there was my last awful date...

Ganondorf:
With myself...
THE GUY THAT SHE NOW...

Both:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEESSSSS!

Zelda and Gerudos: [fading out]
THAT'S TOO BAD...
THAT'S TOO BAD...
A CUTE COUPLE... YOU'D... MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

[Ganondorf and Impa collapse on the desk/bed, and the others crowd around them]

Zelda and Gerudos: Oh, poor Impa!

Impa: Yeah, I KNOW.

Ganondorf: HEY! You're supposed to be on MY side!

(Scene: Link walks onstage, with his arms crossed. He is followed by Navi, who is listening to music on a Discman.)

Link: EXCUSE ME! Did anyone else have a problem with that scene?

Navi: [humming]

Link: NOT ONLY did that scene have no plot at all and never exist in the game in the first place, but it had a very noticeable absence- OF ME! THE MAIN CHARACTER!

Navi: [humming]

Link: I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE AUTHOR!

GG: [voice speaks from the rafters] Yes?

Link: I don't like that scene! Get rid of it!

GG: And WHY should I?

Link: BECAUSE! Ganondorf and Impa?! You gotta be kiddin' me! That's nasty! Yucko!

GG: You're just saying that because YOU have a crush on Impa.

Link: That's not true! It's GROSS! His skin is GREEN, FER CRYIN' OUT LOUD! I DEMAND that you erase it!

GG: HEY PAL! You can't DEMAND anything from me! 1. I DON'T think Ganondorf/Impa is a gross couple, especially considering that I am the co-founder of GISOA: Ganondorf/Impa Shippers of America! 2. I'm the author, and I can do what I like!

Link: Oh yeah?

GG: [points her wand at Link and presses a button on the end that says "SING"] Yeah.

Link: [starts shaking uncontrollably]
WELL IIIIIIIIIIII DON'T THINK IT'S VERY FAIR THAT...
HEY WAIT! I NEVER WANTED TO START SINGING!
WHY ARE... YOU INFLICTING THIS PUNISHMENT ON ME?!
WHEN ALL... THIS STORY'S FANS INSIDE I'M BRINGING!
NAVIIII! WOULD YOU PLEASE STAND UP FOR ME!

Navi: [humming blankly]

Link:
HELLOOOOO! NAVIIIIIII?!

Navi: [bursts into song]
I GOT... CHIIIIIIILLS, THEY'RE MULTIPLYIN'!

Link: [scowls, points at her]
Why are youuuu...
Making my fairy sing that song?
It's baaaadd...
And not to mention that it's very wrong.

Navi:
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I LOVE!
HOOO, HOOO, HOOO! Honey!
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I LOVE!

GG: Are you gonna keep whining about the story?

Link:
Just maaaaake me stop singing and make Naviiiiii stop singing Grease and send us
Baaaack to Zora's River where we belong!
And also... I don't know if it'd be too much to ask...
But I'm sick of walking and I would appreciate a "Make A Long Story Short" song!

GG: Say please.

Link: PLEASE?

GG: Ok, sure. All you have to do is be nice.

[There is a flash, and Link and Navi vanish, replaced by the tap-dancing chorus singers]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dance]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
AT LAST THEY REACHED THE BIG BORING CAVE THAT IS ZORA'S DOMAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: They reach the boring cave that is Zora's Domain. The Zora's Domain song plays, and we hear the chorus singers humming along.)

Link: [looking at a map] So... where is this "King Zora", anyway?

Random Zora: [sticks his head out from behind a corner] Can I help you?

Link: BAAAAAAAAH! [pulls out a stick and starts hitting him with it]

Zora: HEY THERE! [he grabs Link's head, stopping him from hitting him, but Link is still swinging wildly]

Link: DIE SCALY EVIL THING!

Zora: Hey, calm down.

Link: HAAIII! AHAAAA! HIYAAAA! WOOOCHA! BOOOOOYAH! IN YOUR FACE, EVIL BEING! BAAAH!

Zora: [looking puzzled] I take it... you're not from around here.

Navi: Nope.

Link: [screaming curse words in Kokiri]

Zora: Then WHAT are you doing in the kingdom of the Zora?

Navi: [studies Link for a minute] Looks like he's trying to hit you.

Zora: [rolls eyes and sighs] Well DUH. But I mean, why are you here?

Navi: We're looking for the Spiritual Stone of Water.

Zora: Oh. If he would stop trying to hit me, I can help.

Navi: [flies down next to him, picks him up by the seat of his pants] Down, boy.

Link: [panting, mouth foaming]

Navi: Well THAT'S just a little scary...

Zora: [laughs] You obviously haven't met Ruto!

[Lightning and thunder strike, crickets chirp]

Link: [freezes] Who... is Ruto?

[Lightning and thunder strike, crickets chirp]

Zora: [shudders] You'll have to find out for yourself... You'd better go talk to our beloved, worshipped, bowed down to, and all-around adored big boss guy, King Zora. He'll eat you if you don't tell him you're here.

[Navi and Link laugh]

Link: Oh, that's a good one! HOHOHOHOH!

Zora: [scratches head] Good one what? I'm serious.

[Link and Navi's faces sink. They both shrug, and make their way towards the throne room]

Zora: NOW WAIT A MINUTE!

Link: [turns back around] Hmm?

Zora: You sure don't seem to be asking many questions about our fine race.

Link: That's cause I know all about you.

Zora: [turns red] You do not!

Navi: Yes, we do.

Zora: DO NOT!

Link: You live in a big boring cave, and you catch fish. What's there to know?

Zora: [turns even redder] I don't think you understand exactly how hard it is to be a Zora!

Navi: What's hard? You live in a big boring cave and catch fish.

[A whole bunch of other Zoras step up next to them, looking angry]

Zora 2: OH YEAH??! So what if we're not as common around here as the Hylians!

Zora 3: And so what if we don't have cool guardian things like the Kokiri?!

Link: You tell me. Now if you'll excuse me, could I please-

Zora 4: And so what if we're not cool and mysterious like the Sheikah?

Zora 5: So what if we're not glow in the dark like the fairies?

Zora 6: Or accomplished thieves like the Gerudo?

Navi: [getting into it] Yeah, and so what if you guys basically SUCK compared to the Gorons?

Zoras: [all turn TOTALLY red, and start steaming] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Navi: [grinning, as if nothing is wrong] And so what if your leader is a 6000 pound fish stick and the leader of the Gorons is a big, funny, crazy-haired dancing guy who rocks the house?

Zoras: [growing increasingly angry, poking their heads out of the water and such]

Link: [smiling nervously] Uh, Navi... maybe, we'd better get going... HMMM?!

Navi: And so what if you guys are boring and stupid and annoying and slightly creepy compared to the not-boring, also stupid, not-as-annoying and slightly cute Gorons?

Zora: [explodes in a burst of rage] SHUT YO MOUTH, BUG-FACE!

Zora 2: HOW DARE YOU COMPARE US TO THOSE FILTHY ROCK-MUNCHERS?!

Zora 3: WE ZORA ARE THE COOLEST RACE IN HYRULE, AND WE'RE GOING TO PROVE IT!

Link: [slaps forehead] GREAT. Now you've triggered a song, Navi.

["Under The Sea" from "The Little Mermaid" starts up. All the Zoras don spicy Caribbean-style clothing and the Zora that Link and Navi just finished talking to grabs a microphone]

Zora: AHA!
The forest always looks greener
If you're up above the shore
But there's seaweed under water
It's that hue green, and so much more!
Just look at this big blank cave place!
That looks like an outhouse floor!
So what if it's not that interesting?
Plus we've got that stone you're looking for!

[They all start salsa dancing]

Zoras:
UNDER THE WATER!
UNDER THE WATER!
GO TELL YOUR COUSIN, GO TELL YOUR MOTHER, DON'T FORGET VATTER!
Those Hylians, all they do is work!
The Gorons ain't all that cool, you jerk!
So just be smarty
Have a Zora party
Under the Water!

[Big groovy dance scene, with Zoras throwing salsa-clothes onto Link, and a big hat on Navi]

Link: NO! NO! NO MORE SINGING!

Navi: [muffled screaming]

Link: WHAT?

Navi: DISNEY'S GONNA SUE US!

Link: [pulls out his empty wallet] ... Uh oh.

Zora Group 1:
Those Gorons on land ain't happy
All they do is eat and roll
Their leader is ultra sappy

Zora 3: And you wanna talk about ROLLS?!

Zora Group 2:
So they eat rocks and dance much better?
We don't care, we think we're great!
Did they chase us in the water?

Zora 4: Maybe it was a touch of fate.

Zoras: NO WAY!
UNDER THE WATER!
UNDER THE WATER!
WE'RE SAFE IN HERE FROM DISEASE AND BEER AND SOME EVIL PLOTTER!
YEAH!
The Kokiri are immature!
Gerudo sweat smells just like manure!
We are the cooliest
Others are drooliest!
Under the water!

[Great explosion of spicy salsa sound, and suddenly a trio of humans step out from behind a curtain in the back]

Link: NO, NO, STOP THE- HOLY CRAP!

Navi: [on the phone with a lawyer] ...yeah, we need to counter-sue Disney... hello? HELLO??? Did you hang up too? LINK, OUR LAWYERS WON'T ANSWER ME!

Link: NO TIME FOR THAT NOW, LOOK! IT'S TITO PUENTE, LOU BEGA, AND ENRIQUE... Inglacias.

Tito: HALLOOOOO-OOOOOO!

Lou: AH HAA! ... Where are we?

Enrique: Oh, who cares? Would ya listen to that beat?!

Tito: [points at Enrique] Who brought you along?

Lou: Who cares?

[They both grab Enrique by the underwear and kick him out of the show]

Enrique: BAAIIIIIIIILAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!

Audience: HOOORAY!

Link: WOOHOOO! NOW THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE!

[Link, Navi, Lou and Tito jam along with the Zoras, singing back-up]

All: YEAAAAH!
UNDER THE WATER!

Lou and Tito: Under the water!

All:
UNDER THE WATER!
THERE IN THE SUMMER, IT'S NOT A BUMMER, IT DON'T GET NO HOTTER!

Lou and Tito: OOH!

All:
THE SHEIKAH HAVE ALL BUT DISAPPEARED!
MOST FAIRIES CAN'T TALK, EAT, OR GROW BEARDS!
SO WE REQUIRE
YOU THINK OF US HIGHER!
UNDER THE WATER!
DON'T YOU IGNORA
ALL US, THE PROUD ZORA!
UNDER THE WATER!
SCREW THOSE OTHER RACES!
WE TAKE THE TOP PLACES!
WE'VE GOT SPUNK AND MOXIE-GEN
DON'T FORGET OXYGEN!
DON'T BE A SQUATTER
IT'S JUST SO MUCH HOTTER!
UNDER THE WATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

[As usual, a big explosion of music and sound and dancing Zoras in salsa outfits and Tito Puente and Lou Bega.]

All: WE'RE FISH!

[All the salsa outfits and dancers, as well as Lou Bega and Tito Puente vanish into thin air, leaving Link and Navi surrounded by Zoras, in the boring cave that is Zora's Domain.]

Zoras: [gasping for air] You see... kid? We're... just... so...

Link: [thinks for a moment] Mmmmm... sorry, the Gorons are still cooler.

[He and Navi head off toward the throne room, and all the Zoras face-fault]

(Scene: The throne room. The immensely fat King Zora is pouting on his throne/forklift as Link and Navi enter.)

King Zora: [singing in a deep voice]
Oh WHERE oh WHERE has my Ruuuuto [crickets and thunder] gone?
Oh WHERE oh WHERE could she beeeeee...
I need her to clean the grime out of my folds...
Oh WHERE the heck could she beeeeee?

Link: ... That's dis-GUSTING.

King Zora: RUTO! [crickets and thunder, as he looks down at Link] HEY! You're not my sweet bel-Ruto-oved daughter Ruto! [crickets and thunder]

Link: Yeah... that's right. I'm Link. I'm looking for the Spiritual Stone of Water, AKA Zora's Sapphire. Give it to me before I filet you and serve you for dinner.

Navi: [whispering] FOR DINNER? If you were to filet him, it would feed the entire land of Hyrule for a month!

King Zora: RUTO! [thunder and crickets] MISS-Ruto-ING! GONE! FIND RUTO! [crickets and thunder]

Link: Huh? What did he say?

Navi: [rolls eyes] He's a little obsessed with his daughter, dontcha think?

King Zora: Precise-Ruto-ly what does that me-Ruto-an? [crickets and thunder]

Navi: Oh... nothing.

Link: Listen pal. I would love to help find you stupid daughter, but I'm afraid I'm busy. Just give me your priceless tribal heirloom and let me be on my way. [pauses] That is, unless your daughter is immensely hot...

King Zora: She's al-Ruto-so naked. [crickets and thunder]

Link: [grins] Ya don't say...

King Zora: [eyes flashing maniacally] RUTO! [crickets and thunder] FIND! RUTO! [crickets and thunder] NOW! FIND RUTO [crickets and thunder] ME GIVE STONE! BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-Ruto-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA- [chokes] Ruto. [crickets and thunder]

Link: [to Navi] He's scary. Say, Mr. Big Fat King person, wouldn't it be easier just to give me the stone and THEN let me find your daughter?

Navi: Oh, you know you wouldn't help! You'd get the stone and run like a scared rabbit!

King Zora: Say, Mr.-Ruto- Small Tasty-Looking Hylian Person... Wouldn't it be easier-Ruto- if I ATE YOU UNLESS YOU FOUND MY DARLING RUTO? [crickets and thunder]

Voice From Inside King Zora: HE'LL DO IT, TOO! RUN, CHILD, RUN!

Link: AAGGGGGH! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'LL HELP WITH THE SEARCH! [speeds off like a scared rabbit]

Navi: But WAIT- I'm wondering something...

Link: What? [still running]

Navi: There is no QUEEN of Hyrule. There is no BIG SISTER of the Gorons. There is no QUEEN Zora. Does Nintendo have something against female monarchy?

King Zora: What-Ruto-about Zelda? [crickets and thunder]

Navi: They gave her green eyebrows.

Link: Oh, shut up and let's get outta here and into the next scene to search for Ruto before Fatty McButterthighs decides to make us lunch.

[He and Navi race away as fast as they can, as "Under The Water" plays in the background. Just before the scene fades out, we hear a voice speak from inside King Zora]

Female Voice: "WHAT -Ruto-ABOUT ZELDA?", HUH?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TALK ABOUT ME?! [crickets and thunder]

King Zora: I'm so-Ruto-rry, my sweet... It's just that I for-Ruto-get about you in there. [crickets and thunder]

Queen Zora: WELL IF YOU HAD-Ruto-N'T EATEN ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU GREAT GLOB OF LARD, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY, NOW WOULD YOU?! [crickets and thunder] AND I'M HUNGRY! EAT SOMETHING, WOULD-Ruto- YOU!? [crickets and thunder]

King Zora: No problem, my -Ruto- darling. [crickets and thunder]

[He starts to waddle over towards a mini-fridge on one side of the throne- a process that will take about 20 years.]

~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF SCENE TEN *~*~*~*~*~*~*~