Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Eleven: Ruto & Jabu-Jabu's Belly ( Chapter 11 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical
By Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE 11: IN MEMORY OF HYMIE... -plus- JABU-JABU GUTS!

In this scene...

Link, the Hero!
Navi, the Fairy!
Hymie, the Fish!
Jabu-Jabu, the gigantically fat fish god!
Princess Ruto, the... Euuuugh.
King Zora, the gigantically fat fish!
The Returning Voice of Queen Zora! (AKA Pookie)

And really, really stupid cameos by:

Pinocchio and Geppetto!

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(Sce ne: The chorus singers are tap-dancing up a long spiral staircase, and "To Make a Long Story Short" plays. ... Wait, already?)

Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI GOT THE SILVER SCALE, RAN BACK TO THE CASTLE, GOT THE KEATON MASK FOR THE KAKARIKO GUARD GUY, RECEIVED DIN'S FIRE FROM ANOTHER BUTT-UGLY GREAT FAIRY, HEADED TO LAKE HYLIA AND ARE NOW STANDING ON ITS SHORES!
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(Scen e: The shores of Lake Hylia. Relaxing, majestic music plays and we see Navi, floating along the shore, gazing out over the lake as the sun rises in the distance, throwing a rainbow of color across the water.)

Navi: [singing]
Ah, hello Lake...
It's so nice I could take a
Vacation right here on your
Eloquent shores...

[Link runs up, the relaxing music shorts out. He is carrying a fish in his mouth]

Link: [slurred speech] YA SEE, NAVI? I TOLD YA I COULD CATCH A FISH IN MY TEETH!

Navi: ... [rolls eyes] Wow, I'm so impressed...

Link: PATOOIE! [spits the fish into a bottle] That might come in handy.

Navi: [sighs, sweatdrops] OK, why are we here again?

Link: Because that random Zora guy told us Ruto [crickets and thunder] might be here.

Navi: Oh. And... where are we supposed to look?

Link: She's a Zora, Navi. IN THE WATER.

Navi: Oh... right. But wait! I'm a fairy, I can't swim!

Link: Let's just ignore that fact for now, and let's dive on in.

[Link prepares to dive]

Link: [narrating to himself] And he poses... The judges are watching in awe as this incredibly sexy young Kokiri prepares to dive... If he can beat a score of 5.6, he's going to take the gold...

Navi: [waiting patiently]

Link: The judges have all made comments that he's the most gorgeous diver up there... they all think...

Navi: Oh will you just GO!? [kicks him]

Link: WAAAH! [with all the grace of an Olympic diver, he bellyflops into the water, screaming bloody murder]

Navi: [winces, is splashed with water] Ouch...

[Suddenly, Navi starts to lower into the water. She sputters her wings to try and keep up in the air]

Navi: Hey, WHAT? I'M ALL WET! LINK, MY WINGS DON'T WORK! AAAGGGGHHH- MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

Link: [rises back up to the surface, clutching his stomach] MY ABS...

Navi: [buzzing wings] MUST FLY! MUST FLY! UGGH...

Link: [sits up] I don't think I'll help you now. You were mean...

Navi: I'M GONNA DROWN, YOU IDIOT!

Link: Uh huh... I'm so sure.

[Suddenly, there is a whizzing noise in the air, as if something is coming towards them in the water]

Link: [stands up, wrings out his hat] ... What's that noise?

Navi: [frantically clutching at the air] HELP ME! HELP ME FLY! GAAH...

[The "Jaws" theme song start to play. Link looks around nervously.]

Link: Quit your screeching Navi... I think I hear something...

[Suddenly, a random Zora jumps out of the water and snaps up Navi in one bite.]

Navi: MPPPGH!

Zora: Mmmm... That's good magic glowy firefly thingy...

Link: NAVIIIII!

[Link grabs the Zora by the neck and starts shaking him]

Link: COUGH HER UP! COUGH HER UP, YOU SAVAGE BRUTE! SPIT HER OUT, GO ON!

Zora: AGAGAGAGAGAG!

Link: SPIT OUT MY FAIRY, NOW!

Zora: [hacks up a loogie, then Navi] PATOOIE!

Link: [smacks the Zora's head into a pillar] YOU VICIOUS MONSTER, GET OUTTA HERE!

Zora: [swims away, making whimpering puppy dog noises]

Link: Navi! SPEAK TO ME, NAVI!

[Depressing violin music plays, as Link picks up Navi and starts shaking her]

Link: [singing dramatically]
Oh NAVI WHY didn't I listen
TO YOU WHEN YOU SAID...
You couldn't swim... Your wings were wet...
And now it is... the end...
You're lying dead, or unconscious
On Hylia's grand shore...
I don't know Fairy First Aid
Or if you can live anymore...
But I would try most anything
To bring my trusted friend...
Away from that darkened abyss
Into the light again...
[stops singing, scratches his head] No. No way... It wouldn't work... [looks at Navi] Would it?

Navi: [doesn't move]

Link: [gulps] Well, here goes...

[Link leans over and gives his fairy mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. ... Eww.]

Navi: [coughs] What the...

Link: [gasps, inhales Navi]

Navi: WAAAAAH!

[Link's eyes get very big and bright beacons of light shine out of them. We hear Navi shrieking bloody murder inside his mouth]

Navi: [Fairy Expletives]

Link: PATOOIE! [Navi lands in his hand] Are you all right?

Navi: YEEEEEEEK!

Link: Sorry about that...

Navi: GREAT GOLDEN GODDESSES, how much garlic have you eaten in the last 2 hours, GAAAWD!

Link: ... None, actually.

Navi: [smacks him] WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? You don't give a fairy MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!

Link: Well I didn't know that!

Navi: [looks him seriously in the eye] It's ok, but... We shall never again speak of this moment.

Link: Agreed. [spits] No offense, but you taste like mothballs.

Navi: Thank you, I'm honored... [looks disgusted] HEY LOOK! There's something in the water down there!

Link: Let's go see!

Navi: [grabs his sleeve] OH NO YA DON'T!

Link: [sighs, takes out a bottle and traps Navi inside] There ya go. Your own little fairy submersible vehicle.

[He sets it in the water, and Navi makes a little motor come out of the back of it, and a little control panel inside. SS. NAVI-GATE appears on the side]

Link: Hey, wait a sec... You said you didn't have any magic!

Navi: None that I'm willing to use on you.

Link: [growls]

[Jacque Cousteau-style music plays as the two of them dive under the water. Navi turns on a searchlight, and sends out a little submarine beacon-sound when she spots the mysterious object]

Navi: [speaking into a little PA radio] Pssh... Come in, Tango Bravo, come in... Over. [Makes static noise]

Link: [speaking, bubbles come out]

Navi: What's that, Tango Bravo? You don't like being called Tango Bravo? Over! [Makes static noise]

Link: [rolls his eyes, grabs the object]

Navi: Object has been sighted and recovered, Tango Bravo. Return to surface? [Makes static noise, in a different voice] Roger, NAVI-GATE. Over! [ Makes static noise, in her regular voice] Affirmative. Over! [Static noise]

[As she and Link head back to the surface, Navi sings a little song.]

Navi: [to "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles]
We went to... Lake Hylia
In search of the Zora princess thing.
And instead... I got a chance
To pilot my own... submarine!
The NAVI-GATE... Is made of glass...
With a little cork... to keep me in!
30 miles per gallon it's got... So it kicks- butt!
Let the item-hunting begin!
Oh, I love my Glass Bottle Submarine...
Bottle Submarine...
Bottle Submarine...
Don't you wish you had a Glass Bottle Submarine...
Bottle Submarine...
Bottle Submarine!

[Link appears above the surface]

Link: You're having entirely too much fun with that.

Navi: Roger, Tango Bravo... Over! [makes static noise, all of the submarine equipment disappears]

[Link uncorks Navi, then opens up the object: It's a bottle with a letter inside]

Link: [over the "You Got An Item" music in the background] Let's see...
[speaking in Ruto's voice to read the letter, which is, in fact, a song]

"Shoo bop ta bow, Shoo bop ta bow
Shoo bop ta bow, help, help, help!
Shoo bop ta bow, Shoo bop ta bow
Shoo bop, ta bow, HELP, HELP, HELP!
This... is a letter!
From little old me.
Zora Princess Ruto
II plus a V!
I've got... a little problem...
And maybe you could see...
If you could find Jabu-Jabu...
AND PLEASE RESCUE ME!
I... was out a-feedin' him
Like I always do...
But he... was actin' weird
Oh yes, it's so true.
He acted mad, and kinda angry
Like he was offended
And green... around the gills...
With no pun intended!
He op... ened his big trap
And swallowed me upright
I tried... to find some way out
But he's just too uptight
So if... you are a person of a ready mind
Could you please... search for this letter...
Oh, wait, you'd have to find it to
Read... my little letter... but that's not the point!
FIND JABU-JABU AND SAVE ME FROM THIS JOINT!
But do... not tell my dad...
He doesn't like things like that.
His heart... can't take the pressure...
Cause he's so freakin' fat!
I told... him to lay off...
Those stir-fry Cheetos with bacon!
He said... he's on a diet...
But I think he's fakin'!
But that... is off the subject...
So please come and get me
Or else... My ghost will haunt you...
So please don't FORGET ME!"

Navi: Well THAT answers a lot!

Link: Aha! Now, we can go show this to King Zora and he'll give us the stone and we can leave!

Navi: Booyah, that was easy!

Link: Thank you, my little bottled friend... [kisses the bottle]

Navi: [makes a face] ... Wait a minute... If she was INSIDE Jabu-Jabu when she wrote this... Then that means the bottle must have gone through...

Link: [makes a grossed out face, spits] OH SICK! AAGGGH!

Navi: Well, someone had to tell you.

Link: [grabs a tube of toothpaste, starts brushing his teeth] Think we should mess around a bit around the lake?

Navi: Sure, but let's use a "Make A Long Story Short" for that. And... brush your teeth with your mouth closed, please.

Link: OK...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK BRUSHED HIS TEETH AND THEN NAVI AND HE CAUGHT A 10-POUND FISH AND MET THE FISHING GUY, TALKED TO THE MAD SCIENTIST DR. LAKESIDE IN HIS LAB, AND MET THE TWO SCARECROWS PIERRE AND BONOORU AND THEN GOT BACK TO ZORA'S DOMAIN REALLY FAST!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: King Zora's throne room. He is still moving towards the mini-fridge, and almost in the same place where we left him.)

King Zora: Don't worry, Pookie... I'll -Ruto- [crickets and thunder] Get it!

Queen Zora: GOOD THING, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING EXCUSE FOR A BLOB OF JELLY!

King Zora: I'm al-Ruto-most [crickets and thunder] there... Another 3 or 4 hours...

Queen Zora: [sighs]

[Link and Navi race into the room]

Link: OH MR. KING PERSON FAT GUY!

King Zora: [still moving towards the mini-fridge] Oh! It's -Ruto- [crickets and thunder] you!

Navi: Hey, that "[crickets and thunder]" thing is getting really annoying.

Sound FX Guy: OK... [tapes over the "[crickets and thunder]" button with duct tape, sighs and removes his hat as if in mourning]

Navi: Thank you. Now, please continue, boys!

Link: That's right! And I am the best little detective on your squad! I FOUND...

King Zora: [shrieks] RU-Ruto-TO?!?!

Link: ... No, a letter that she wrote. [throws him the letter]

King Zora: [reads the letter] ... WHAAAA-Ruto-T? That's impo-Ruto-ssible! Our beloved, sacred, well-providing, and all around well-liked sac-Ruto- red deity Lord Jabu-Jabu would never eat my dar-Ruto- ling Ruto!

Link: Well, I guess he did. And that bottle's got the smell to prove it.

King Zora: [smells it] EWWWWWWW-Ruto-WWW! I guess you're r-Ruto-ight, kid... Well, as long as you're here, I guess I'll re-Ruto-ward you.

Link: WITH THE SPIRITUAL STONE OF WATER?

King Zora: ... No. With the honor of search-Ruto-ing for my darling daughter, Ruto!

Link: ... That's an honor?

King Zora: Y-Ruto-es. Now, wait until I move out of the -Ruto- way, and you can go see Lord Jabu-Jabu.

[Link watches King Zora moving, at the steady speed of about 2 inches every year.]

Link: Um... you think you could... hurry?

King Zora: Don't -Ruto- get cheeky with me, kid! I'm going as fast as I -Ruto- can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT...
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT...
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
KING ZORA GOT FAR ENOUGH OUT OF THE WAY FOR THEM TO GO!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

King Zora: [sighs] AAHHH! What a work-Ruto-out! And I'm STILL not all the way to my mini-Ruto- fridge!

[He looks at Link]

King Zora: OK, you can go now.

Link: Sure. Just as soon as I shave my beard. [grabs an electric razor and starts to shave his face]

Navi: [asleep]

(Scene: Zora's Fountain. Link and Navi were about to enter Lord Jabu-Jabu [... You don't know how wrong that sounds...] when Navi noticed a small island out in the corner.)

Navi: Let's see... if I remember right, there's a Fairy Fountain around here...

Link: Only one way to find out! [grabs a bomb, tosses it against the wall]

Navi: DUCK!

Link: WHERE? [spins around, is squashed flat by a piece of rubble]

Navi: [slaps forehead] IDIOT! Get off your butt, get in there, and see what's inside!

Link: [stands up, shakes himself off] OK, OK, I'm going, I'm going!

[He walks into the cave, and Navi remains floating outside. She listens carefully, and hears Link play "Zelda's Lullaby" on the Ocarina. Suddenly, she hears a maniacal giggle and Link's bloodcurdling scream. He speeds out of the cave seconds later, clutching his face in horror and holding a glowing green crystal under one arm]

Link: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Navi: Oh... I forgot. It's a GREAT Fairy's Fountain.

Link: [looks at Navi with wide, horrified eyes] BWAAAAAAAAA!

Navi: Sorry about that, pal.

Link: [shudders] Let's... Let's go inside Jabu-Jabu now...

(Scene: Back at the dock, Link is staring down Jabu-Jabu, who is merely blinking and breathing and doing whatever gigantically fat fish gods do.)

Link: OK... how do we get him to open up?

Navi: Hey, I got an idea! [tugs on a bottle in Link's pocket] Remember that fish you caught with your teeth?

Link: Oh, ya mean Hymie?

Navi: ... Hymie?

Link: Yeah, Hymie. I named him that.

Navi: Well, ok then. HYMIE. Give Hymie to Lord Jabu-Jabu.

Link: ... What? Whaddya mean?

Navi: [sighs] Lord Jabu-Jabu is a gigantically fat fish god. Ruto, the girl who's supposed to feed him, has been missing for three days. I betcha he's hungry.

Link: [looks at Navi blankly, as if he's confused] I don't understand.

Navi: Feed Hymie to Jabu-Jabu.

Link: [screams, clutches the bottle] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Navi: Link, you have to.

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! HE CAN'T HAVE HIM, HE CAN'T HAVE HYMIE! HYMIE'S MY BEST FRIEND!

Navi: I thought I was your best friend!

Link: I LIED! IT'S HYMIE! IF HYMIE LEFT, I'D CURL UP IN MY SOCK DRAWER AND SLEEP FOR WEEKS! HE CAN'T HAVE HIM, HE CAN'T HAVE HIM! [stroking the bottle, whispering] Shh, shh... It's OK, Hymie... I won't let her feed you to that big fat dumb thing...

Navi: ... Good grief, come on Link! It's just a fish!

Link: IT'S NOT JUST A FISH, IT'S HYMIE!

Navi: Link, if you don't get Jabu-Jabu to open his mouth, it's a lost cause!

Link: WELL THEN I'LL GET HIM TO OPEN HIS MOUTH! BUT NOT WITH HYMIE!

Navi: And HOW do you figure you'll do that?

Link: Why don't I feed YOU to him?

Navi: Link, COME ON. You've got to let Hymie do his purpose in life: To get eaten by a bigger fish!

Link: IT'S NOT FAIR! HYMIE DESERVES TO LIVE TOO!

Navi: LINK! Listen to me, this is important! Hymie's sacrifice will mean the salvation of Hyrule! You should be honored that Hymie will get to be fed to the big fish god thingy, instead of some less-deserving fish!

Link: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? HYMIE DOESN'T DESERVE TO DIE!

Navi: [sighs, flying towards the bottle] Come on, now... Let's open the cork and...

Link: [swats her away] GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY HYMIE!

Navi: GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE!

Link: NOOOOOOOO!

[They wrestle for a moment]

Navi: MACE! [throws Fairy Dust in Link's eyes]

Link: UUWAAAAAAGH! NO, HYMIE, NOOOO!

[Navi snatches the bottle from Link, and uncorks it. Hymie falls out onto the dock, and Jabu-Jabu gets a whiff of him.]

Jabu-Jabu: [gets a whiff of Hymie] MMMMRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH...

Link: [diving for Hymie] HYMIIIEEEEEEEEE!

[Jabu-Jabu opens his mouth, and sucks (... Hee hee hee...). Hymie, Navi and Link go sailing into his mouth, screaming all the way]

Link: NOOOOO!

Navi: AIEEEEEE!

Hymie: [fishy noises]

(Scene: Inside Jabu-Jabu's huge, stinky mouth. Navi shakes herself off, and groans)

Navi: UUUEEEGGHH! That's DISGUSTING! ... Link? Are you OK?

Link: [sobbing] NONONONONOOOOOO... WHYYYYY HYMIE, WHYYYY?

Navi: [pats him on the shoulder] I'm sorry, Link. But it was just Hymie's time to go.

Link: [blows his nose in his hat] Poor little guy... He was so cute, with his little scales... [whimpers]

[Two Octoroks poke their heads out of the spit... EWWWW... and start shooting rocks at Link]

Navi: [pulls on Link's shirt] Hey, come on. I'm sorry about Hymie, but we gotta get going. Those Octoroks are shooting rocks at us. And I don't know how long Zoras can survive in the belly of a giant fish.

Link: [sits up, a look of rage in his eyes] THIS IS FOR HYMIE, YOU #$*%#*&! HIYAAAAAAAA!

[Jumping and flailing with his sword and shield, Link dices up the Octoroks into calamari. Panting viciously, he sees a bubble thing over in the corner and races over to it, killing it. His eyes turn bloodshot and he looks around frantically for something else to kill.]

Navi: ... Whoa. Link, you'd better calm down.

Link: HYMIE WOULDN'T WANT ME TO CALM DOWN! HYMIE WOULD WANT JUSTICE!

Navi: [sees something splashing at Link's feet] HEY! LOOK!

Link: What, a MONSTER? [panting viciously]

Navi: No, it's Hymie!

[Link looks down to see Hymie flopping around, struggling to breathe in the spit]

Link: HYMIE! [scoops him up, huggles him] OH HYMIE, MY DEAR, DEAR FRIEND! I WAS SO AFRAID! I THOUGHT YOU... AND THEN NAVI... OH HYMIE, I MISSED YOU SO!

Navi: [wipes a tear] It's moments like this that make it all worth guarding a totally weirded-out kid...

Hymie: [eyes popping out, struggling to breathe]

Navi: ... Uh, Link... you'd better put Hymie in his bottle again.

Link: Why? [sees Hymie's face] Oh. Here ya go, Hymie! I'll never let you out of my sight again!

[Link pockets Hymie, and then looks around.]

Link: WELL! I always thought the inside of a big ugly fish would be like this. Where to, Navi?

Navi: If Jabu-Jabu swallowed Ruto, she'd be further into his digestive tract...

Link: [makes a face] ... How much further?

Navi: Oh, a room or two. But shouldn't there be a dungeon song coming pretty soon?

[Harmonica and guitar chords slam, and the two of them jump]

Link: AH! Oh, there it is!

[Link hits the switch with a slingshot bullet and heads into the next room, as Navi begins to sing to the tune of "Kodachrome" by Paul Simon.]

Navi:
When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school...
I remember giving biology a crack...

Link:
And all I know is that the digestive system's icky.
But this fish's guts are outta whack!

[The two of them fall down a shaft into a pool of water/spit/hydrochloric acid and start singing, as multi-colored gastro-intestinal gases spurt out all over and evil jellyfish spin around them]

Both:
HYDROCHLOOOOO-ROOOO-RIC!
It's a very deadly acid!
It makes the trip down here not-so-placid
It breaks down food so your body can live a day... Oh yeah.

Navi:
Hydrogen and chlorine combines!
They make a nasty acid molecule!

Link:
This acid should melt... my body clean away!

[Link jumps onto a rising platform, and they do a spiffy little dance on the way back up to the main path]

Link:
Lucky for us this fish is on the verge of dying!
That must be why his stomach lining sucks...

Navi:
It's a surprise this place isn't all full of chewed food...
And a bit of bacterial muck.

[Link gets ready to kill a jellyfish, and suddenly Navi stops him and the music]

Navi: HEY! Those jellyfish are electrified! You can't just hit one with a METAL sword. You'll get electrocuted!

Link: Oh, right. That would be bad.

Navi: You'd probably be stunned so bad you'd fall down into that...

[Music starts up again]

Both:
HYDROCHLOOOOO-ROOOO-RIC!
It's a very deadly acid!
It makes the trip down here not-so-placid
It breaks down food so your body can live a day... Oh yeah.

Navi:
Hydrogen and chlorine combines!
They make a nasty acid molecule!

Link:
This acid should melt... my body clean away!
This acid should melt... my body clean away!
This acid should melt... my body clean away!
This acid should melt... my body clean away!

[Navi points the way into the next room, which is full of giant tentacles (Ewww), electrified jellyfish, and as I like to call them... "Yuck-Holes".]

[The song picks up]

Link: [dips his hand in the "acid"]
Shouldn't this stuff be hydrochloric?
It's supposed to be hydrochloric
Why did they take the fish acid away?

Navi:
It's supposed to be hydrochloric...
No other acid but hydrochloric...
This fish should be dying, but he's living today...

[Both start dancing wildly and repeating the last two verses, when suddenly the music shorts out and someone screams.]

Ruto: BYWAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Link: AIEEEEEE!

[Ruto karate-chops him in the neck, he falls over, stunned]

Ruto: AWAY FROM ME, YOU HEATHEN!

Navi: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Hey, you're Princess Ruto, aren't you!

Link: MY FACE!

Ruto: [gasping viciously, fins standing on end and both pairs of eyes popping out] GET OUTTA HERE! WHO ARE YOU? YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!

Link: I AM NOT!

Ruto: [blinks] You're not?

Link: NO!

Ruto: Oh. [giggles] OK, sorry.

[Link sits up, straightens his hat, and cracks his neck]

Link: That really hurt!

Ruto: Well JEEZ, I don't know if you're coming to kill me or not!

Navi: Hey, lady. You've been eaten by a giant fish. Why would we come in here to kill you? We could just leave you, Y'know, that might be more effective.

Ruto: ... Oh yeah... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THEN?

Link: I've come to save you...?

Ruto: ... You're KIDDIN' me.

Link: Uh, no.

Ruto: WHY would you do a thing like that?

Link: Cause your dad told me to.

Ruto: ... THAT STUPID IDIOT! I HATE HIM SOOOOOO MUCH!

Navi: He obviously is very fond of you. He says your name every third word.

Ruto: I would NEVER ask anyone to rescue me! I'm not THAT kind of princess! I WANT TO RESCUE MY-SELF! If you want to rescue a princess, go save that sissy-pants ZELDA. With only TWO eyes.

Link: Well, come on. Let's go. I've got Spiritual Stones to get, and dates to make with Malon.

Navi: But I thought you liked Zelda!

Link: What gave you that idea?

Navi: [grumbling]

Ruto: SPIRITUAL STONE? If you only came in here to rescue me so you could get rewarded, I don't think I want to come with you...

Link: OH COME ON!

Ruto: No WAY! I am NOT just made of money! I'M A PERSON TOO! AND NOW YOU'RE SAYING YOU WISH I WAS DEAD?

Link: ... I didn't say that.

Ruto: [sobbing] NO ONE CARES! NO ONE CARES AT ALL!

Navi: What a drama queen.

Ruto: NO, I'LL NEVER BE A QUEEN! NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT TO MARRY ME!

Navi: What I meant was...

Ruto: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Link: ...

Ruto: [stops crying] I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS! I'M LEAVING! HMMPH!

[She spins around and walks away, right towards a "Yuck-Hole"]

Link: Ruto, look out!

Ruto: [turns around] WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO- [trips and falls] OOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Link: [sniggers] Heh heh... I didn't know she provided the voice of Mr. Bill...

Navi: [smacks him in the head] Get down there after her!

Link: No way! I don't have a mom or a dad, but if I did I'm sure they would say that it's a VERY BAD idea to jump down a Yuck-Hole!

Navi: Go on! If she gets hurt, you can kiss the Spiritual Stone goodbye!

Link: [sighs, jumps down the hole] I CAN'T BELIEVE I LISTENED TO A TENNIS BAAAAAAAAAAAAALL...

(Scene: At the bottom of the Yuck-Hole, in another of Jabu-Jabu's organs)

Ruto: OWIE!

Link: [pulls his face out of the imprint it made] Owie Wowie...

Ruto: ARE YOU STILL HERE!?

Link: YES, I'M STILL HERE! I'm supposed to rescue you, you idiot!

Ruto: I don't need rescuing! I know exactly what I'm doing! I've been going inside Jabu-Jabu since I was a kid!

Link: ... You don't know how wrong that sounds...

Ruto: LECHER!

Navi: Will you two cut it out?

Ruto: I WAS TALKING! As I was SAYING- I don't need your help to get outta here! Now beat it!

Link: If you don't need help, then why haven't you left yet?

Ruto: LOOK, I'm worried about the big fish-god guy! He's acting all weird today! There are big icky Yuck-Holes and electric jellyfish and great blobs of tofu all over! And on top of that, I dropped my... my... [hesitates]

Link: Your Midol, perhaps?

Ruto: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! NOW GET OUTTA MY FACE BEFORE I GIVE YOU SUCH A PINCH YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT! [turns away, looks around] Let's see... that passage goes there, and...

Link: [turns to Navi] SHE'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Navi: Ask her again! This is a video game, she's going to say yes sooner or later.

Link: [pokes her on the shoulder] ALL RIGHT YOU OVERGROWN GORTMAN'S FISHERMAN REJECT! GET YOUR HEINY IN GEAR, BECAUSE I'M NOT WAITING ANYMORE! WE ARE LEAVING, NOW!

Ruto: [sweetly] Are you THAT worried about me?

Link: NO! IT STINKS IN HERE AND I'M GETTING MY CLOTHES DIRTY!

Ruto: Oh, of course... Well, I suppose as long as you help me look for the thing I lost, I'll go with you. BUT I AIN'T LEAVIN' TILL WE FIND IT!

Link: OK, fine. [starts walking into the next room] Coming?

Ruto: [is sitting down] No. You have to carry me.

Link: [mouth drops] YOU $&*%&!

Ruto: THAT'S NO WAY TO ADDRESS A PRINCESS!

Link: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, I'm sorry! YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS, THE ALL-MIGHTY $&*%&!

Ruto: Much better. Now, come on. Carry me!

Link: [groans, and hoists her up on his shoulder] JEEZ, WOMAN! Would it kill you to eat some LOW-FAT freeze-dried brine shrimp every once and a while?

Ruto: You ill-mannered sack of crap! Would you mind putting some lotion on those SOFT FLESHY hand of yours? You're chafing my scales!

Navi: [shakes head] They sound like an old married couple.

Link and Ruto: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Navi: Nothing, nothing!

[Link carries Ruto through a couple of rooms, and soft, romantic piano music from Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back To Me" starts up. She barks out commands to him, and he keeps making faces, and having to stop to kill evil.]

Link: [slowly]
Your skin feels like wet snot.
And you weigh quite a lot.
It's amazingly true,
But dear Ruto, I do hate you.

Ruto:
You're all fleshy and pink.
And you never do think!
I wasn't really sure,
But you're stupid, Link, I hate you.

[Navi smashes some cymbals, and the two start a duet of despise.]

Link:
MIDO WAS THE BIGGEST CREEP I KNOW!
And I thought there'd never be someone to take his record out from right below him...

Ruto:
THEY SAY PEOPLE YOU LOVE CAN BE CRUEL!
But there's no one quite like you who knows how to say things that make me want to kill you...

Navi: [singing backup]
TOOOOOOOOO KILL YOU...

Link:
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN THAT ONE ZORA SAID TO ME, "Our princess is very beloved, but a brat!"

Ruto:
I SHOULD BANISH YOU AT 12:01 A.M. ON MY INAUGURATION DAY!

[Navi hoists a small electronic keyboard and starts to play the melody.]

Link:
But when you're whining like this...
And throwing tantrums like that...
I thought you were just a drama queen,
But it's true, I hate you.

Ruto:
And I thought you were rude...
Cultured as greasy fast-food...
I knew that I disliked you
But now I know I hate you.

Navi: Well, they certainly don't leave much to the imagination...

[Link starts throwing Ruto at monsters, and she starts screaming]

Ruto: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Link: RESCUING YOU!

Ruto: STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! I'LL TELL MY DADDY!

Link: [pointing accusingly at her]
I'll just tell him you spazzed out and fell!
If I'm lucky maybe you will spaz and fall into a big sharp pit of something!

Ruto:
No such luck, you sadistic dumb fool!
If I end up falling somewhere, I'll have one last pleasure and I'll take you with me!

Navi: [singing backup]
SHE'LL TAKE YOU WITH... HER...

Link:
You wouldn't think that Zoras had PMS too! But whaddya know, in your case it's the WORSE!

Ruto:
I don't want to sing with you, NOT EVEN ONE MORE verse!

[Soft piano chords]

Link:
When you nag me like this...

Ruto: [slaps his hand]
And when you pinch me like that!

Link:
I just thought it was passing,
But now I'm sure I hate you!

Ruto:
You don't obey me like this!

Link:
And you hit me like that!

Ruto:
Didn't think you were so bad,
But now I know I hate you

Link:
It just seemed like a rivalry
Now I'm sure I hate you!

Both:
I CAN BARELY RECALL SOMEONE
I'VE HATED MORE THAN YOU NOW!

Navi: No wonder the world is in such crummy shape... So many angry words...

[Link returns to the main room with Ruto, and uses her to flip a switch into the "intestine section"]

Ruto:
I'd always dreamed that I'd bring my first date
Into Jabu-Jabu for romantic sweet talk and some fish guts in his bladder...

Navi: IIIIIN HIS BLAAAADDER!

Link:
You're demented and strange, it's so true!
Come on, who brings their date inside the belly of a gigantic smelly fish-god?

Navi: FIIIIIIIIISH GOD!

Ruto:
You're such a idjit thought at first I thought you cute!

Link:
But there's no way I'd ever date you, nope, no how!

Ruto: [scratching her chin]
Maybe with a little training I could stand you for a while...

Link: I don't like the way you said that...

Ruto: [eyes growing dreamy]
When you hold me like this...

Link:
I'm gonna throw up like that...

Ruto:
At first I thought you disgusting, but now I'm not sure no more...

Link:
Oh don't you even start.
I'm not stupid, I'm smart.
I don't care if you love me, cause I still think you're insane.

Ruto:
But you know what they say, lovers cause each other much pain...

Link:
You're a fruit-cakey dumbnut with something wrong in your brain.

Ruto:
We could have our sweet honeymoon in Paris or in Spain...

Link: [to Navi]
What is up with this girl, at first she said she hates me, but NOW...

Navi: [shrugs] Never can tell...

[Link enters a side-room in Jabu-Jabu's intestine, where there are some stingrays in the floor. He throws down Ruto and kills them, receiving the boomerang.]

(You-Got-An-Item Music)

Link: OOOOH, NEAT! A BOOMERANG! [in a bad Australian accent] Ah feel like an Aussie, 'mate!

Navi: [pokes Link on the shoulder, points at Ruto] Is she... OK?

Ruto: [eyes tearing up, bursts into a continuation of the song]
LINKY! LINKY! LINKY!
Killin' stingrays like this!
Your muscles flexing like that!
Don't know what I was thinking, but
Now, Linky, I LOVE THEE!
With your sword up like this!
And your shield up like that!
I know we have our differences...
But please say you love me!
Please forgive my crankiness
And say that you love me!
Please forgive all my insults
CAUSE LINKY, I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOWWWWW!

Link: [blinks] WHAAAT?!

Ruto: [stands up, still belting it out]
LINKY! BABY, BABY!
WITH YOUR PINK SKIN LIKE THIS!
AND YOUR BLOND HAIR LIKE THAT!
I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind
Even though he is really fat!
You should be my betrothed!
Even though I'm unclothed!
You should come sweep me off my feet
Even though I'm a fish!
You're the answer to every dream!
Answer to every wish
I can barely recall
When I've loved someone hot as you NOWWWWWWW!

[Final piano chords strike out and Ruto looks at Link dreamily]

Ruto: Darling... what do you have to say... to that?

Link: [hoists her up] Go take a cold shower. I'm here to save you, and there's no way that I'd marry you, not even if I was insane.

Ruto: WHAT!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK DRAGGED THE PSYCHO PRINCESS FROM ROOM TO ROOM AND KILLED ALL BUT ONE OF THE TENTACLE THINGS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Link drags her out of the room and down another hallway, where the final tentacle is. He sets her down on a switch, and looks her seriously in the face]

Ruto: Are you leaving me now, darling?

Link: ... Shut up, and listen to me. I'm going in here to kill the tentacle thingy. DO NOT MOVE FROM THAT SPOT. I'm dead serious. DO NOT MOVE.

Ruto: But... but... you can't leave me! I'm scared!

Navi: I thought you'd been visiting in here since you were a kid!

Ruto: STAY OUT OF THIS, FIREFLY!

Link: Ruto, come on! I have to go!

Ruto: BUT... BUT... I'M HUNGRY!

Link: I don't care! Stay right there, and don't move a muscle!

Ruto: But really, I've been in here for three days, and I'm really hungry!

Link: I don't care. Stay there.

[He turns around and walks into the room, and over a dramatic battle sequence kills the tentacle. He claims a few hearts for his prize, and walks out of the room back to Ruto.]

Link: [clapping his hands] Ahhh... I AM the master!

Navi: You ARE the master, and I AM the fairy!

Ruto: [chewing something]

Link: [freezes] ...

Ruto: Hi, Linky-Poo!

Link: ... I told you not to move.

Ruto: I didn't. I stayed right here.

Link: Then what are you eating?

Ruto: Nothing.

Link: You are too eating something!

Ruto: No.

Link: Come on!

Ruto: All right, all right, I'm eating something.

Link: But what is it?

Ruto: [crosses her arms] I don't wanna say. You'll get mad.

Link: No I won't. What is it?

Ruto: [murmurs] A fish.

Link: Oh, see? That's not so bad. Now tell me where you got it and we can move on.

Ruto: ... No, you'll get mad and hate me.

Link: I already hate you. I think you're childish and annoying and snotty. Just say where you got the fish and I won't hate you as much.

Ruto: ... I saw it in a bottle in your pocket, so I took it and ate it.

Link: Oh, see? That's not so... [freezes, his eye twitches] Wh-wh... WHAT?

Ruto: I told you! I found it in a bottle in your pocket, so I took it out of your pocket and I ate it!

Navi: [gasps] Oh my...

Link: [gasping for air] ... No... no... no...

Ruto: What?

Link: YOU DIDN'T...

Ruto: I didn't what?

Link: [reaches into his pocket, pulls out an empty bottle and can't find the other one] SHOW ME THE BOTTLE!

Ruto: [holds up an empty bottle] Here ya go.

Link: [gasps, eyes get VERY big, screams] HYMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Navi: Oh no... [grabs Link's shoulder] Link... Come on...

Link: [eyes growing bloodshot]

Ruto: [stands up] I... don't like that look in your eyes...

Link: [bares teeth, starts to foam at the mouth]

Navi: Come on Link! She didn't know! Please don't go postal, PLEASE! Come on! Hymie wouldn't want you to do this!

Link: HYMIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [pulls out his sword and stares at Ruto like he's going to kill her] I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Ruto: AAGGGGH! [makes a run for it]

Link: WAAAAAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYY! YOU'LL PAY FOR EATING MY POOR HYMIE!

Navi: LIIINK! WAIT!

[Link chases Ruto out into the main room, where she jumps down into a Yuck-Hole. He follows her, backflipping down and landing on all fours with the sword in his teeth.]

Link: ARRGH!

Ruto: YEEEEEEEEK! [pounding on the door down the hallway] OPEN UP! OPEN UP!

Navi: LINK, STOP IT!

Link: HAAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYYYY!

Ruto: YEEEEEEK! STAY AWAY FROM ME! [throws open the door and steps inside the room]

Link: YOU BLOOD-THIRSTY VICIOUS HYMIE MURDERER! I'M GONNA SLICE YOU UP LIKE FETTUCINE!

Navi: WAIT, LINK!

[Navi and Link race into the room after Ruto and suddenly, see her up on a platform in the middle of the room]

Ruto: I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT! [holds up Zora's Sapphire] I FOUND THE THING I LOST!

Navi: Ruto, RUN! Link hasn't found the thing he's lost yet... HIS MIND!

Link: [hypnotized by the glow of the Spiritual Stone] ... That's the Spiritual Stone of Water...

Ruto: Yeah... [points at him] AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

Link: GIVE IT! I WON'T LET YOU STEAL IT FROM ME, JUST LIKE YOU STOLE MY HYMIE!

Ruto: WAAAH! [the platform moves] What the...

[Suddenly, Ruto screams and the platform rises up into a hole in the ceiling]

Ruto: KEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT IS THAT?! AN OCTOPUS?

[The platform lowers, and Bigocto is seated on it]

Bigocto: [makes disgusting squealing noise] GMHMMHMMM!

Link: [with a look of absolute rage on his face, draws his sword and runs at Bigocto] YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Navi: Link, are you NUTS?!

[Link jumps up, and brings the sword crashing down on a big glowing blue spot on Bigocto's butt, spraying blue blood all over the floor.]

Bigocto: GHHMHMMMMMM! [runs the other way]

Navi: ARE YOU CRAZY! [flailing her arms wildly] YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!

Link: [still looks full of rage, reaches down and paints part of his face blue, "Braveheart" style, with the blood... Ew.]

Navi: ... Ew.

Link: I... WILL DESTROY YOU! BAAAAAAH!

Bigocto: [gets look of absolute fear in his eyes] GGMMM?

Link: AAAAAAAGGGHH! FOR HYMIEEEEE!

[Link charges Bigocto's butt with his eyes alight with rage. He goes into a wild spinning attack as he reaches the blue spot, and a few second later, appears out Bigocto's mouth in a spray of octopus guts and blue blood... Ew.]

Bigocto: [explodes]

Link: [dripping with guts, panting maliciously, throws his head back and howls] FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Navi: [sitting in the corner, covered in guts, blinking] ... Whoa.

Link: [collapses on one knee and drops his sword] Hymie, my old friend... Rest in peace...

Navi: [slowly flies over to Link] ... Is it safe?

Link: [tears up, bursts out crying] I GOT BLUE GUTS ALL OVER MY NEW SHOES!

Navi: I know, I know... [pats Link on the back]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK HAD A GOOD CRY FOR HIS SHOES AND HIS FISH, THEN RODE THE PLATFORM UP AND HAS NOW FINALLY REACHED THE DOOR TO THE BOSS ARENA!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Outside the door to the boss arena. Link is all cleaned up from the guts incident, and now he is waiting for a cue to enter the boss's room, when the dramatic tension is right.)

Link: Long have I battled in the name of my dear fallen friend Hymie... Now, it is time to destroy the thing that made me have to come in here in the first place...

Navi: Come on, Link. You cannot kill Ruto.

Link: Ruto? I meant the thing that's pissin' off Jabu-Jabu!

Navi: Oh. Say, where is Ruto anyway? I haven't seen her since Bigocto.

Link: Dunno, dun care. I have a score to settle.

[Finally, when the dramatic music ends, Link opens the door and walks inside, to see a really big, really painful-looking electrified anemone thing.]

Link: ... OUCH.

BIOELECTRIC ANEMONE: BARINADE

Navi: [barking out commands] HIT HIM THERE! NOW HIT HIM THERE! AND THERE! NOW OVER THERE!

Link: Where?

Navi: [smacks him] THERE!

Link: Oh!

Barinade: GRAAAGGGHHHHH! [jellyfish noises]

Link: HIYA!

Barinade: GRAAAAAAGGHHH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK DID SOME MORE BUTT-WHUPPIN' AND NAVI BARKED OUT ORDERS UNTIL...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link: HIYAAAAAAA! [stabs Barinade again]

Barinade: [pimples up] OH! OH! OH LORDY, HOW EMBARRASSING! NO, NOT HERE, NOT NOW! WHERE ARE MY BIORE STRIPS?! NOOOOOOOOOO! [explodes, blowing guts all over Link and Navi]

Link and Navi: Ewww...

Link: Where's a wet wipe when ya need one?

Navi: They haven't been invented yet.

Ruto: HEY YOU!

[Link turns to see Ruto standing in a warp portal on the other side of the room, looking pissed off]

Ruto: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, DARLING?! I WAS SO WORRIED! [bites lip] You're not still mad about that dumb fish, right?

Link: [scowls] "That Dumb Fish" had a NAME.

Ruto: Right, right, Hymie! I'm really sorry about Hymie! I didn't know he was your pet!

Link: [sighs] It's... all forgiven.

Ruto: So it's all right?

Link: [grabs Navi, steps into the warp portal] No, it's NOT all right. It's FORGIVEN. CAPICHE?

Ruto: Uh... yeah, capiche. [wrings hands and takes a step away from Link, as if she's afraid of him]

(Scene: A log in Zora's Fountain, right outside Jabu-Jabu.)

Link: [opens eyes as the warp portal fades, blinks] Ahh... it's good to smell fresh air again!

Ruto: [appears, right in his face, batting her eyelashes] HEE HEE HEE!

Link: BWAA! [trips, falls into the water]

Navi: [appears right behind Ruto] LINK, WE DID IT! ... Uh... Link?

Link: [down in the water, sputtering and treading water]

[Ruto gracefully swan-dives into the water, and comes up right in front of Link, gradually getting closer]

Ruto: [singing]
I was so sure that you were a butt head!
But now my point of view's turned around!
I saw you in there, fighting that anemone
And the way that you brought that bad monster down!
I need to reward you in someway...
Oh, and pay you back for that fish...
So tell me, my darling whatever you want
I will grant your heart's deepest wish!

Link: Oh. Really, that's...

Ruto: [grinning, batting her eyelashes and giggling stupidly]

Link: ... Great.

Ruto: Tell me, my darling... [sets her hand on his shoulder] What is it that you want from me, hmm? A kiss... perhaps?

Link: [goes white] Uh... no.

Ruto: [gasps] Oh, Link, you bad boy! We've only just met, but if that's what you really want...

Link: [freaks out] EWWWWWWWW! GAAWWWWD, YOU'RE DISGUSTING!

Navi: [blinks] What?

Ruto: [giggles]

Link: I want the Spiritual Stone of Water! And nothing else!

Ruto: [looks disappointed, then smiles] Oh, right... You want the Zora's Sapphire... It belonged to my mother before Daddy ate her for lunch.

Link: Yeah... cool. I want it.

Ruto: OK then... [holds it just beyond his reach] But first...

Link: WHAAT?! I've earned it!

Ruto: You have to promise to never bring up that stupid fish around me again!

Link: WHAT?! NOO!

Ruto: You can NEVER try to kill me because I ate him ever again!

Link: [sighs] Fine...

Ruto: [singing]
And there's one little other agreement...
That I need you to promise to do...
When we grow up, you'll promise to marry me
If you want this here stone that is blue!

Link: WHAAAAAAAT?!

Navi: Ruto! That's not fair!

Ruto: It's PRINCESS RUTO to you, firefly! And I won't give up my stone unless he promises!

Link: [sighs very, VERY dejectedly, sings]
OK, you snotty super-brat
If that's what I have to do
Give me that stone you're holding and
... I'll be betrothed to you.

Ruto: [squeals with delight] OH GOODY! Here you are! [hands it over]

[dramatic music as Link takes the Zora's Sapphire]

Link: [pockets it] Thanks.

Ruto: No... THANK YOU! And by the way... I don't know how your parents cope with inter-species relationships but... DON'T TELL MY FATHER! Now, come see me when you're rea-dyyyyy... BYE!

[Ruto dives under the water and disappears]

Navi: [flies down] We did it! We got all the Spiritual Stones! And even though you had to promise to marry a fish-chick, we did what Zelda said!
[singing]
Now, let's go see Zelda!
Our mission is complete!
I don't know what you think but
I'm sure the reward'll be sweet!

Link: [tearing up]

Navi: Uh... Link?

Link: [bursts into tears] RUTO'S BREATH SMELLS JUST LIKE HYMIE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Navi: [sweatdrops, pats Link on the back] I know, I know...



~~~~~~ END OF SCENE ELEVEN ~~~~~~