Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Twelve: Link Screws Up/Crap Hits the Fan ( Chapter 12 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! -The Cheesy Zelda Musical
by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE 12: BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENIN'! -AKA- THE ENTIRELY MUSICAL CHAPTER!

This Scene will be broadcast entirely in BROADWAY-VISION, the cheesy musical opera-like format! That's right! No speaking, just singing!

In this scene...

Link, the Hero!
Navi, the Fairy!
Zelda, the Princess!
Impa, the Guardian!
Ganondorf, the REALLY EVIL GUY!
King Nounevasees, the King No One Ever Sees!
The King's Advisors!
A few random guards!
The Musical Carpenters!

(Scene: Hyrule Castle, Zelda's room. The Big Z is sitting at her window, looking out on the horizon and singing, listening to a meeting in the room below her between Ganondorf, her dad and his trusted advisors.)

Zelda: [singing quietly along to violin music]
I told you before
But you wouldn't believe me
That Ganondorf guy really does have it coming for you...
Dad-ooo...
I sent out some kid
Yes I certainly did...
A kid that I saw in a dream...
I hope he can do it
I hope he can save
This land that we live in
I hate to sound grave...
But I'm not sure how much longer I can stay!
[gazes out the window]
Link, you said you believed me...
Now I hope that you still believe...
I can feel that you've found the third Spiritual Stone...
And now maybe I might have to leave...

(Scene: Downstairs, in King N's meeting room. Ganondorf is debating the King's new "Anti-Gerudo" law with him and his advisors)

Ganondorf:
I've got to disagree,
Your honored majesty...
I cannot allow this law to be created!
I won't let you take away my ladies' scanty clothing line
And make them move away from our proud home!
For a while, You they've hated
So I am not understated
When I say that a rebellion will take place!

King N:
They hate me?
Don't be silly!
I wonder who could have taught them that I'm mean...
[turns to his advisors]
I'll give you all a clue.
His name start with a G
And his skin is really green. [grins]

King's Advisors:
HAHAHAHAHA.

Ganondorf: [scowls]
Your majesty, with all given due respect
I would like you all to kiss my rump
And then go straight to heck.

King N:
WHAT'S THAT?

King's Advisors:
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

King N:
Why Ganondorf, I was only kidding
My dear and cherished friend!
So why did you just tell me
To go to heck and kiss your end?

Ganondorf: [points an angry finger]
I'm sick of your shenanigans
And sick of all your crap!
You Hylians are giving my people an awful rap!
I demand more fairer treatment for my fine Gerudo race!
Or I'll have my evil powers put your heiny in its place!

King N: [stands up angrily]
Gerudos are nothing but slime!
A bunch of slutty thieves!
And their leader is the worst of all
His skin the color of leaves!

King's Advisors:
HAHAHAHAHA.

Ganondorf: [slams his fist on the table]
DO YOU WANT TO START TALKIN' SMACK?
CAUSE I'M THE KING OF FIGHTS!
If you don't let up this law you made
This will be your final night!

Advisor #1: [stands up in front of the king]
Your awful green Gerudo-ness
I really must confess...

Advisor #2:
For someone who's a friend of his
You really seem distressed!

Advisor #3:
We're sworn to protect our King N
No matter what the cost!

Advisor #4:
So march your buttocks out that door

All Advisors:
AND QUIT BOTHERING OUR BOSS!

[The music picks up to an ominous, pounding rock opera]

Ganondorf: [genuinely enraged]
YOU STOLE MY DATE AND MARRIED HER!
YOU BANISHED ME AWAY!
YOU FORCED MY PEOPLE INTO A DEAD VALLEY FOR TO STAY!
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF ALL YOUR CRAP, KING NOUNEVASEES!
AND NOW IT'S TIME I HAD MY REVENGE
FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME!

King N: [screaming]
GUARDS!
GUARDS!
BELOVED CASTLE GUARDS!
GET THIS WRETCHED BLOWHART OUT OF MY CASTLE!
I WANT HIM TORTURED UNTIL HE STARTS CRY-ING!
FOR TREASON AGAINST HIS FINE KING!

Guards: [arrive in the room]
HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP!
YOU'RE COMIN' WITH US, GERUDO MAN, GET UP!

Ganondorf: [eyes glow red]
Oh no, you're quite mistaken...
My dear Hylian friends...
We Gerudo have been picked upon
And hazed out to no end...
But now's the day of DESTINY!
My dream will soon come true...
It's time to pay you back for stealing all those things from me, like my date and my land and my barely-dressed girls!
I AM GOING TO STEAL FROM YOU
THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!

[Ganondorf charges up a huge firebolt with his hands and laughs maniacally]

King N: [stops in his tracks, as well as the guards]
WHOA!
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A REGULATION FIRE BALL...

Ganondorf: [laughing maniacally]

KABOOOOOOOOOM!

(Scene: Upstairs in Zelda's room. Hearing the gigantic explosion, Zelda shrieks in terror]

Zelda:
IMPA!
IMPA!
IMPA, COME HERE QUICK!
I THINK GANONDORF HAS KILLED MY DAD!
THAT MEAN, SELF-RIGHTEOUS... [OK, you can fill in the blanks here. It rhymes with "quick"]

[Downstairs, Impa rushes past the meeting room, on her way to take Zelda]

Impa:
A shadow on the horizon
How come I didn't see it before...
That Gerudo King, how'd I know he would bring
A dark cloud over everything...

[Impa stops, tripping on a bone]

Impa:
Ouch!
What is this?
What did I just trip and fall on?
A bone?
A white bone?
But to whose skeleton does it belong?

[Impa gazes into the meeting room to see Ganondorf, glowing evilly, laughing maniacally. The entire room is charred and black, and the bodies of all the king's advisors, the guards, and King N himself are lying at his feet]

Ganondorf: [voice is warped and deep]
TAKE THAT YOU FOOLS!
CAUSE I HAVE MORE!
NOW KING N LIES UPON THE FLOOR!
REVENGE IS MINE DOTH SAYETH THE GERUDO!
But oh, not yet...
THIS WILL BE AN EVIL EMPIRE THE WORLD WILL NOT FORGEEEEEET! -[sees Impa and gasps]

Impa:
OH MY LORD!
OH MY WORD!
THE KING AND HIS MEN ARE ALL DEAD!
And who...
Do I see...
Is the murderer, but that red-head
That I dumped back in senior year
Cause his prom date-ishness really sucked!
And he's glowing...
That's not good...
So what is there to say but "OH- ..."

Ganondorf: [stops glowing]
Impa!
Oh dear Impa!
Is that really you that I see?
It has been
A long time!
Since your beauty has spoken to me!
Don't you see
What I've done?
And now it's time to have some more fun...
Wait and see!
Join with me!
Be my queen and we both can rule over the land that I've stolen from Nounevasees with my hands!

Impa: [points]
You're insane!
And a jerk!
So what if the meeting didn't work?
You didn't have to go
And up everyone and everything here blow!

Ganondorf: [starts glowing evilly again]
OH, I SEE...
STUPID FOOL!
WITH AN IRON GRIP OVER THIS LAND I WILL RULE...
AND NOW ZELDA!
STUPID ZELDA!
THE DAUGHTER OF THE HUSBAND OF MY WOULD-BE PROM DATE!
No offense, Impa dahlin', now that King N has fallin'
HIS ONE HEIR, SHE MUST DIE, CAUSE THAT'S FATE!

Impa: [shrieks, runs upstairs]
BWAAA!
ZELDAA!

Ganondorf: [jumps off the table, racing upstairs]
NO YA DON'T!
YA THINK YOU CAN PROTECT THE PRINCESS?
WELL YOU WON'T!
CAUSE I'LL EXECUTE HER A-AND THEN
I'LL BE KING OF HYRULE ONCE AGAIN!

Impa: [spins around on the stairs yelling at Ganondorf]
If you want to go and get the Princess
You will first have to get right by me!
Ganny-Poo, just for you I've a present
That should really bring back memories!

[Impa drop-kicks him in the crotch, and the music quickens even more, with desperate violin strings]

Ganondorf: [clutches his groin in agony, squeaky voice]
THOUGH MY DREAM OF RULING THE WORLD... HAS BEEN PARTIALLY REALIZED!
THE JOY I CANNOT YET EXPRESS... CAUSE I'VE BEEN STERILIZED!

Impa: [smirks]
My Sheikah high-heels
Have made short work of you!
Now Zelda, I must find
And her I must rescue
She's Hyrule's only hope...
Oh wait, I forgot, NOPE!
THAT LINK KID, HE MUST SAVE THE DAY!

[Impa races upstairs]

Ganondorf: [rolling on the floor, smacks himself in the head]
OH MY GOSH!
I FORGOT!
To be King of Hyrule I cannot!
Until I...
Get the power...
To transform this here castle into my great tower
To be invincible and the land I'll devour
Those Stones I couldn't get, I will get them, it's true
But I must do that later, something else is important too
I must follow that Princess upon my black horse
BECAUSE SHE HOLDS THE KEY TO FINDING THE TRIFORCE!
THE OCARINA OF TIME!

Chorus Singers:
OCARINAAAAAAAAAAAAA OFFFFFFF TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

[As Ganondorf crawls upstairs, the chorus singers begin a long libretto (opera) piece, and the scene changes to Link and Navi, walking across the field on the way to the castle]

Link: [stops, Navi bonks into him]
Oh no...
I just...
Felt a dark and musty gust
Of the wind...
And that means...
That there must be something ominous
On the horizon, maybe
Someone else felt it too!
I think something bad is happening
Oh Navi, how 'bout you?

Navi:
My senses...
They tingle
I cannot really say
But I think something nasty
Is now coming on its way
It felt this way
The last time an evil force
Came to take over Hyrule...
OF COURSE!

Link:
Of course?

Navi:
OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE!
The castle, the castle!
Link something's at the castle!
Something bad is at the castle!
Let's hurry!
Let's hurry!
And see Zelda!

[The two start to run and finally reach the gates of Hyrule Castle Town. It has started to rain, and night has already fallen. Link and Navi stand at the gates of the castle, and the drawbridge slowly lowers to the rhythmic pounding of horse's hooves]

Link:
A horse?

Navi:
A horse?

Link:
Of course!

Navi:
Of course!

[Suddenly, a white horse races out of the castle town, Impa on its back. Zelda is in front of her, and she looks terrified]

Zelda:
RUN, IMPA RUN!
Ganon's approaching fast!
You've got to get this horse in gear
He's riding on our- tail!

Impa:
I'm going, I'm going!
But that treasure you do guard
I think you'd better leave it for that boy across the yard...

Zelda:
Link! Oh Link!
I cannot stop to chat!
But watch as I throw this ancient sacred relic over to you
With a better arm than a professional quarterback!

[Zelda pitches something at Link, and it lands in the moat]

Link:
ZELDAAAA!

Impa:
ZELDAAAA!

Na vi:
ZELDAAAA!

Zelda:
I'm sorry, Link!
But the time has come to say goodbye!
You can't catch me up on horseback...
So don't even, even try!
Goodbyyyyyyyyye...

Impa:
FAREWELL FOR NOWWWWWWW...

[Impa and Zelda disappear on the horizon]

Link:
Navi!
My dream!
That was just like my dream!
That ominous dream that I sang about at the beginning of this!

Navi:
Oh Link...
I hear more footsteps running
An equestrian coming, at a pace that is more than a scurry.
And I wonder where Impa and Zelda were going
In such a dire hurry?

[The footsteps stop, and Link turns around to find himself face-to-face with the mean, nasty, horrible, all-around easily dislikable bad guy, GANONDORF! He is riding a midnight black stallion]

[Music changes to ominous organ music]

Ganondorf:
I LOST HER!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST HER!
This horse has never lost a race
And though he took a gallant pace
T'was not enough to catch those that escaped!

Link: [gasp]

Ganondorf: [turns to Link]
Ah, dear child
Dear funny-dressed green child...
You must have seen that horse run by!
Tell me which way that horsy went
I'll believe that you're heaven-sent
And I won't have to punch you in the eye!

Link:
I... I... I didn't see the horse.
[turns to Navi]
And I am lying, of course...

Ganondorf:
Geh heh heh...
You've got guts!
Very funny little kid!
I didn't hear that... NOT! I DID!
You lying little turd!
How could I not have heard
Your brief soliloquy to that...
That... that stupid fairy!
Now if you know what's good for you
You'll tell me where they've gone
Or else when I get through you will be crying for your mom!

Link: [clears throat]
Right now, Green Sir
I'm sorry, but I say
The only mom I cry for now
Is YOURS upon this day.
I bet the second you were born she finally did learn
That drug usage while pregnant can be a real major burn...

Ganondorf: [eyes pop out in anger]
MUMSY!
MUMMIKINS!
How DARE you smack my Mama?
I'll teach you to insult my mom
With this Evil Magic Bomba!

[Ganondorf charges up a fireball and leaves Link a smoldering lump in the middle of the field]

KERPLOWIE!

Link:
OW!
MY BUTT!
MY ACHY LITTLE BUTT!

Ganondorf: [turns back forward]
Take that, you brat!
I'll teach you to admire
The traits of all your elders such as me!
GANONDORF DRAGMIRE, KING OF THE GERUDO THIEVES!
And soon to be the KING OF THE WHOLE WORLD!
I've taught you a lesson by knockin' you on your butt!
Now off to capture Zelda, and Impa, that prom-date-dumping slut!
SO I'LL SEE YOU SOMETIME LATER WHEN THIS LAND I SOON WILL RULE!
MAYBE THAT'LL TEACH YOU FROM MESSING WITH GANONDORF, STUPID FOOL!
HIYA!

[Ganondorf rides off into the distance, the same way that Impa and Zelda went]

Link:
OW!
THAT HURT!
MY POOR LITTLE PINK BUTT!
How could you just float there and let me get it?
Navi, you creep!
I'll never let you sleep
And I'll make sure that you never do forget it!

Navi: [glowing blue, in "Annoying-Fairy Mode"]
THE MOAT... THE MOAT...
WHAT ZELDA THREW FELL IN THE MOAT...
IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WANTED YOU TO PICK IT UP
SO GO PICK IT UP YOU DUMB DOPE.
[shakes herself off]
BLLLT!

Link:
Then that object I must retrieve...

[He stands up, swan-dives into the moat and grabs the object from underwater. When he surfaces, a mystical white light shines down on him and it floats in the air above his head.]

[Heavenly opera music]

Link:
Navi...
Oh, my gosh, Navi...
I think I just found...
THE OCARINA OF TIME!

Chorus Singers:
THE OCARINAAAAAAAAAA OFFFFFF TIIIIIIIIIME!

Navi:
But that's impossible!
It can't be!
THE OCARINA OF TIME!

Chorus Singers:
THE OCARINAAAAAAAAAA OFFFFFF TIIIIIIIIIIME!

Link and Navi:
IT'S BLUE!
IT'S SHINY!
AND THE TRIFORCE SYMBOL ON IT IS TINY!
YES, THIS HAS GOT TO BE THAT LEGENDARY TREASURE
AND THE NAMESAKE OF THE GAME...

Link, Navi, Chorus Singers:
THE OCARINAAAAAAAAAA OFFFFFFFFF TIIIIIIIIIIIME!

Link: [blanks out, as the heavenly light brightens even more]
What's this...
I think I'm having a VISION!
I'm blanking out, I can't SEE A THING!
OH WAIT!
I SEE...
THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING!
Zelda...

(Scene: Inside the Temple of Time, Link's psycho vision shows Zelda standing at the altar of the Temple of Time holding the Ocarina. The Song of Time starts up in the background, and Zelda begins to sing along.)

Zelda:
Oh Link...
I'm sorry...
I tried to wait for you but I just couldn't stay.
If you...
See this message...
That means that I'm no longer here in Hyrule...
Ganondorf's insane...
He has killed my dad...
And to take over the world...
Would make him so glad...
And so
You must carry
Out the plan that we had planned
Please stop that man...
If he...
Finds the keys...
To the Sacred Realm
All of Hyrule will be doomed.
Play this...
Song in front...
Of the altar in the temple after you have
Entered...
All three stones...
Into the slot where they belong, please save Hyrule...

[Zelda plays the Song of Time and Link repeats it on the Ocarina of Time]

Zelda:
Please save Hyrule...
Protect the Triforce and save... [drumbeat] Hy... [drumbeat] RUUUUUUUUUUULE!

[Link wakes up out of his dream sequence, and is suddenly standing on the shore of the moat]

Navi:
OH LINK!
I SAW
THE SAME THING THAT YOU DID!
WE'VE GOT
TO GO
GANON FOR TO GET RID!

Link:
Let us protect the Triforce!
Let us protect the castle!
I knew that Ganondorf was trouble
And now we've got a whole new hassle...

Navi:
BUT NOW THAT THINGS HAVE ALL CALMED DOWN
It shouldn't be tough to get around
But oh, a shadow over the town...
We've got to hurry up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers: [tap dance]
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI REACHED THE TEMPLE OF TIME...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Inside the Temple of Time. The chords of the Song of Time echo in the background, and strange, deep voices are singing along to it.)

Link: [STILL singing]
Where...
Are those voices coming from?

Navi: [walks up to a very obviously placed door]
They...
Must be coming from right here...
The Door of Time...

[She swings the door open and finds that it is NOT the Door of Time. Inside are the four psycho carpenters of Kakariko Village, singing quietly to the Song of Time.]

Shiro:
Hey you...

Jiro:
Shut that door...

Sabooroo:
It's none of your business...

Ichiro:
What we're doing in here...

[Shiro reaches forward and slams the door shut in Navi's face.]

Navi: [blinks]
Well whaddya know...
So that's who was singing in here...

Link: [anxious]
Enough screwing around!
We have got work to do!
We've got to find that altar
And make Zelda's request come true...

[Navi points out an altar in front of a large, dramatic looking door. Link runs up to the altar]

Navi:
We've got to place the stones
In the hollows that are there
And then play the Song of Time
Right here, not just anywhere...

Link:
And then the door will open...
It shouldn't take too long...

Navi: [angrily]
I'd like to get my hands on...
Whoever wrote this song...

Link: [removes the stones from behind his shield]
The Spiritual Stone of Forest...
The Kokiri's Emerald...

Navi and Singing Carpenters:
KOKIRI'S EMERALD...

Link:
The Spiritual Stone of Fire...
The Goron's Ruby...

Navi and Singing Carpenters:
GORON'S RUBY...

Link:
And the Spiritual Stone of Water...
The Zora's Sapphire...

Navi and Singing Carpenters:
ZORA'S SAPPHIRE...

Link:
And now...
[takes out the Ocarina dramatically]
THE OCARINA OF TIIIIIIIIIIIIIME...

Navi:
OCARINA OF TIIIIIIIIIIIIIME...

Carpenters:
OCARINAAA OF TIIIIIIIIIIIIME...

All: [throws hands up dramatically]
PLAY THAT SOOOOOOONG, LITTLE GUUUUUUUUUUY...
ON THE OCARINA OF TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

[Music and singers pause as Link plays the Song of Time.]

Link: [playing Song of Time]

[Big, dramatic remix of the Song of Time as the Door slides open and the Triforce symbol on top begins to glow.]

Link and Navi:
OOOOOOOOOOH...

Navi:
Hey look...
In there...
That sword...

(A/N: Due to overspending on the previous chapter's boss battle, we've had to make a few budget cuts. As a result, we were unable to construct a "Pedestal of Time" room set in time for this part of the musical. Hopefully we'll have one built by the time Sheik and Link have to meet there, but for now, we just get to show you this lovely little mural we've stuck behind the Door of Time.)

[Link and Navi walk slowly through the Door of Time, and disappear offstage. Suddenly, a mural slides across the opening they went through. It's a colorful, chibi-fied piece showing Link, Zelda, Navi and Impa wearing Sgt. Pepper-style clothes, holding instruments. They are standing in front of a large group of game characters, including Ganondorf, Fox McCloud, Mario, Luigi, the cast of every Final Fantasy game, and GG's personal favorite: Eyrie, that adorable little eagle from Banjo-Kazooie. The drum head reads "GALAXY GIRL'S HEY OCARINA MUSICAL BAND"]

[Even though you can't SEE the Pedestal of Time room and the Master Sword, the music is still playing and you can still hear Link and Navi singing.]

Navi:
I cannot be mistaken!
I really am quite sure!
That that majestic sword there
It is the Master Sword!

Chorus Singers:
MAAAAASTEEEEEEEER SWOOOOOOOOOOOOORD...

[Familiar chords to "Is This Destiny?" start up, and Link starts snapping his fingers, even though we can't see him.]

Link:
I've passed three nasty dungeons...
I've risked my life a lot...
And now Zelda has run off...
That bratty royal snot...
But not to worry, Navi...
Hyrule can count on me
Because I know this isn't luck
It's a bit of destiny!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEESTIIIIINYYYYYY!

[Music changes to "Someday" (Remember? From the first chapter?)]

Link:
So I'll grab this little sword!
And I'll pull it outta here!
I'll use it to protect the Triforce!
So don't worry, have no fear!
Because I truly am a hero...
And someday they all will say...

Navi:
YES, THEY ALL WILL SAY...

Link:
HYRULE WAS SAVED UPON THAT DAY!
HYRUUUUULE WAS SAVED... UPON... THAT... DAYYYYYY!

[Sound of a sword being pulled, then an explosion of light knocks over the mural in front of the door and we hear Link and Navi's screams of terror]

Link and Navi:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[Their screams are cut out by loud Phantom of the Opera-esque organ music, as Ganondorf appears in the main room of the temple, laughing his butt off evilly.]

Ganondorf:
YOU FOOLS!
YOU BLOODY FOOLS!
I KNEW TO OPEN THIS DOOR YOU NEEDED TOOLS!
AND I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THESE THINGS!
SO I FOLLOWED YOU HERE AND HEARD YOUR SCREAMS!
NOW THAT YOU... ARE INDISPOSED... I'LL SNEAK ON PAST...
And now you know!
THAT THIS LAND OF HYRULE...
WILL NOW... BE... UN-DER... MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY... [takes a really deep breath]

Ganondorf and the Singing Carpenters:
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!

[The theme from Phantom of the Opera plays as a glowing, golden Triforce lowers from the ceiling of the Temple. Ganondorf reaches up to grab it, still laughing like a maniac as the curtain falls, ending the first half of the musical.]

~*~*~*~* End of Scene Twelve *~*~*~*~