Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Thirteen: Temple of Time & Link's Awakening ( Chapter 13 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! -The Cheesy Zelda Musical
by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE THIRTEEN: Link's Awakening (No, Not the Gameboy game!)

In this chapter...

ADULT Link, Bishonen/Bishounen Hero Extraordinare!
Navi, the Fairy!
Rauru, the Sage of Light!
The Ancient Sages!
Sheik, Survivor of the Sheikah!
Perverted Poe Guy, the Perverted Poe Guy!
A few Random Redeads


~~ INTERMISSION ENDS~~

The curtain rises, and ACT 2 begins...


(Scene: A blue, glowing, strangely lit room. A silhouetted figure and a silhouette of a fairy are seen floating randomly around, limply, as though they're asleep... Cause they are. Heh heh... Quiet, peaceful sparkly sound effects are all we can hear. Suddenly, a voice cuts through the silence)

Link: Where... Where am I?

[Footsteps echo through the set]

Link: ... Navi? What happened?

[More footsteps, and suddenly, the "Song of Time" starts to slowly echo in the background]

Link: ... That song...

[A platform rises from below the stage, and a silhouetted figure of a really, really fat man appears, surrounded by dry ice and mist and other neato special-effect theater stuff.]

Rauru: Link... The Chosen One...

Ancient Sages: [AKA the Chorus Singers dressed in neat outfits] [Singing to the "Song of Time"]
OOOOO OOOOOOOO... OOOO OOOO OOOOOO... OO
OO-OOH-OOO-OO-O-O-O- OOOO OOOOOO OOO OOOOOO...

[A glowing blue light surrounds Rauru and the specially-effected transparent Ancient Sages, and suddenly the Song of Time stops. A quiet buzzing continues, and suddenly, the Sages burst into song]

[To the tune of "Nowhere Man" by the Beatles.]

Rauru and Ancient Sages:
HE'S A REAL HERO MAN...
FLOATING IN THIS NOWHERE LAND...
WHILE WE MAKE THESE HEROIC PLANS...
FOR HIS NEW BODY...

[guitar chords start up, and they continue singing]

No idea what's going on...
This lad in green with hair of blond...
We hope he is big and strong...
Now that he's needed...

[Rauru raises his hands, and shots of yellow light shoot out. All the Sages all raise their hands to him]

Ancient Sages:
AAHHH...LALALA...
AAHHH... LALALA... [repeating]

Rauru: [like an opera singer]
Hero Man, please listen...
Horrible things you've been missin'...
Just wake up... And soon you will understa-a-a-and!

Ancient Sages:
UNDER STAND, NOW...

GANONDORF NOW RULES THE WORLD!
HIS EVIL HAS BEEN UNFURLED!
HE AND HIS GERUDO GIRLS
RUN EVERYTHING...

(Drum roll)

[The Sages start a spiffy dance routine, and Rauru swings back and forth as they sing]

Rauru and Sages:
HE'S AS KNOCKED OUT AS CAN BE!
WITH HIS EYES CLOSED WAY TOO TIGHT TO SEE...
Hero Man, can you see the truth at all?

Ancient Sages:
AAHHH...LALALA...
AAHHH... LALALA... [repeating]

Rauru:
Hero Man, please listen...
For seven years out on stuff, you've been missin'...
Sorry, but... You've no one to give you a ha-a-a-and...

Rauru and Sages:
WAKE UP, MR. HERO MAN...
WAKE UP, HERE IN NOWHERE LAND...
SO WE CAN TELL YOU OUR PLAN...
TO HELP EVERYBODY...

Rauru:
Ooooh... yayayaya...
Ooooh... yayayaya... [repeating]

Ancient Sages:
You were just a child...
And the evil was just too wild...
But now that you're grown, you just might understa-a-a-and...

Rauru and Sages:
YOU'VE SLEPT ENOUGH, HERO MAN...
YOU'VE SLEPT HERE IN NOWHERE LAND...
WAKE UP, SO YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
THE WAY THINGS ARE...

Rauru:
Wake up, or I'll hit your head with my guitar...

Rauru and Sages:
WAKE UP, SO YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
THE WAY THINGS AAAAAAARE!

[The song fades out, and the Sages disappear, as the same silhouette of a person and a fairy appears up above the Sage circle, where Rauru is standing]

Rauru: Hero of Time! Wake up, Link!

Link: Ehhh...?

Navi: Eh?

[We suddenly hear a terrified scream, and both silhouettes pitch down and smash into the Sage circle, shaking the whole Sacred Realm. Rauru winces, and reaches in his pocket, grabbing a Twinkie.]

Rauru: That had to hurt. [bites into Twinkie]

Link: OWWWW! [pauses] Wait...

Navi: OWWWWWW!

Link: Shut up, Navi, wait a second! [stands up, looks around] WHERE ARE WE?

Navi: [flies up off the ground, shakes off] Eeehh? Yeah, where are we?

Rauru: This is the Chamber of Sages, deep inside the Temple of Light in the Sacred Realm.

Link: ... The Sacred Realm? I remember now! GANONDORF-

Rauru: ... Is now the overlord of Hyrule.

Link and Navi: WHAAT?!

Link: It's impossible!

Rauru: Actually, it's not... I'll explain in a moment. First, let me introduce myself. I am Rauru, the Sage of Light... And the last of the Ancient Sages.

Link: What's a Sage?

Rauru: A big powerful important type person.

Link: Oh...

Rauru: And before I continue, Link... There's something I think you should see.

Link: What?

Rauru: Yourself... Look at yourself!

[Link, who was up to this point shrouded in darkness, suddenly gets a spotlight shined on him. AND HE'S AN ADULT! ... Saw that coming, didn't we? He gasps in terror, and Navi starts buzzing around excitedly]

Link: HOLY MOTHER OF THE DEKU TREE!

Navi: SWEET CHEESE, LINK! Look! You're big now!

Link: I...

Navi: You're an adult!

Link: I...

Navi: YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP!

Link: I... I... I'M A BISHONEN! GODDESSES, LOOK AT ME! I'M DEAD SEXY!

Rauru: [rolls eyes] Yeah... I... guess.

Link: Rauru! What happened to me?! Why am I grown up, and what happened with Ganondorf? AND HOW IN THE HECK DID I GET SO FINE?

Rauru: You see... Using the Song of Time, you opened the door to the Sacred Realm in the name of peace.

Link: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, GET TO THE IMPORTANT PART!

Rauru: [slowly eats his Twinkie] I'm getting there. Unfortunately, when you pulled the Sacred Master Sword from the Pedestal of Time- which by the way, you probably WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO- something terrible happened.

Navi: GANONDORF?!

Rauru: ENOUGH ABOUT GANONDORF ALREADY! I'M ABOUT TO GET TO THAT PART!

Navi and Link: ... Sorry. [sheepishly]

Rauru: And well... I think the only way to say the next part would be...
[bursts into song, starts spitting out chunks of Twinkie every time he says a word]
THE MASTER SWORD!
Yes, the old sacred MASTER SWORD!
It sensed that you were indeed a boy of Destiny!

Chorus Singers:
DEEEEEEEESTIIIIIIIIINYYYYYY!

Rauru:
And it sucked you here into the Sacred Realm!
To sleep until you were big enough!
To become the magical big HERO OF TIME!

Chorus Singers:
HEEEEEEERO OF TIIIIIIIIIIME!

Rauru:
But while you were gone...

Link:
Yes?!

Rauru:
While your spirit was trapped far away...

Navi:
Far away!

Rauru:
Ganondorf snuck in here while I was taking a doze
And stole the Triforce out from under my nose!

Link: NO!

Rauru:
AND USING ITS POWER...
HE BECAME...
KIIIIIIING... OOF... THEEEEE... WOOOOOOOOOORLD!

Link: OH NOOOO!

Rauru: Yes...
And now...

Navi: What now?!

Rauru:
Seven years later...

Link: SEVEN YEARS?!

Rauru:
IT IS TIME THAT HIS REIGN CAME TO AN END!

Link: But how?!

Rauru:
You, Link, my son...

Link: I ain't yer son.

Rauru:
You are more than a regular boy...

Link: NO WAY!

Rauru:
You...

Link: Me?

Rauru:
Are...

Link: What?!

Ancient Sages and Rauru: [accompanied by big dramatic "Hunchback of Notre Dame" music]
THE...
HE...
RO...
OF...
TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

Navi: ... [confused] What's the He-Ro-Of-Time?

Rauru: HERO of Time, you nutjob!

Navi: OH! OH, RIGHT! Of course!

Link: [clutches forehead, sings quietly]
This is unbelievable...
How could this happen to me...?
I thought I was normal but...
Now I'm all grown up YOU-

Rauru: SHHH!

Link: [looks at him in disbelief] What?!

Rauru: Shut up! You get your own big musical number about that in about 7 pages.

Link: Oh.

Rauru: So... Link... In order to restore order and defeat the totally evil King of Evil... hmm... redundant, isn't it... ERHEM, in order to defeat Ganondorf, you must awaken the other five Sages.

Link: How?

Rauru: I can't tell you.

Link: WHAT!?

Rauru: You'll find out in about 10 seconds. So... What have you to say about all this, Link?

Link: Well, I... [stares at himself] I AM DEAD SEXY, MAN! LAWDY-LAWD, I AM ONE HOT LITTLE MAN!

Navi: Why are you wearing tights all of a sudden?

Link: [freezes] Hey... yeah! Why am I wearing tights all of a sudden?

Rauru: [chuckles, stuffs the rest of his Twinkie down his throat] That's a completely different story, Link. It's called "WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING: Rauru's Diary", and it, as well as many other fine fan fics, can be found under Galaxy Girl's profile.

[A pleasant, elevator-music-like tune plays as a bright marquee with a picture of GG on it and the words GALAXY GIRL appears near the top of the screen, to finish of GG's shameless self-advertising]

Link: Ah.

Rauru: And now, brave Link, Hero of Time, I must present to you this medallion, filled with what remains of my power! ... NOT THAT MUCH!

Link: Ooooooh.

Rauru: It will strengthen you and your abilities to wipe out evil bad things.

Link: Cooooooool.

Rauru: Remember, the power of the Light Sage is with you... As if that means much to you, seeing as we just met.

Link: Whateeeeeeever.

Rauru: [holds up his hands] CUE DROP IN MEDALLION THINGY!

[A yellow medallion, suspended by a very easily visible rope, falls from the ceiling and Link catches it, after it pounds Navi into the ground and he picks it up quickly, dusting it off]

[Triumphant music]

Chorus Singers:
AAAAAAAAAAAALL RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT...
THE SAGE OF LIGHT...
GRANTS YOU HIS MEDALLION...
RAURU...
HE'LL HELP YOU TOO...
AND HE ADDS HIS POWER TO YOURSSSSSSSSSSSSS...

Link: [sticks it in his pocket] Cool... I guess.

Navi: You seem upset Link.

Link: [sniffles] I missed puberty...

Navi: Awwww. [gives him a hug]

Rauru: And now, I will return you to the Temple of Time. Remember... Awaken the other Sages, and save Hyrule!

[Bright flashy neato sound effects.]

(Scene: In a display of great special effects and more than likely millions of dollars in budget money, Link and Navi are deposited near the Pedestal of Time in the Temple of Time, with the Ocarina of Time, where seven years before they played the Song of... JEEEEEEZZZZ!)

Link: [still staring at himself] I don't believe this... I'm a 10-year-old trapped in the body of a 17-year-old! This is impossible!
[slowly begins to sing]
I... don't understand...
How could this have-

Navi: SHUT UP! It's not time for that song yet!

Link: IT'S NOT FAIR! I MISSED PUBERTY! I MISSED HIGH SCHOOL! What on earth am I going to-

Navi: We're in the Temple of Time again... But... Have seven years really gone by?

Link: [still yammering] How am I going to survive?! I never learned how to manage a checkbook! Or how to drive a car! Or how to write a convincing and professional résumé! Or how to-

Navi: [ignoring him] It looks like you won't be able to use some of the weapons and items you found as a kid...

Link: And why the hell not?! I LOVED THAT BOOMERANG LIKE IT WAS MY-

Navi: [shudders] Let's get out of here! I think we've spent enough time in here as it is...

Link: - AND THOSE MAGIC BEANS ARE NOW COMPLETELY USELESS! Hey... I had some milk in a bottle... I bet it's curdled by now! Oooh, cottage cheese! Too bad I don't have any pineapple chunks, 'cuz I'm kinda hungry... Wait- What's a pineapple? Navi, have you ever heard of such thing as-

Mysterious Voice: I've been waiting for you... Hero of Time.

Link and Navi: BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Link pulls out his Master Sword and swings around, finding himself face-to-face with everyone's favorite male Sheikah, SHEIK!]

[The Sheik song starts up]

Sheik: Heh. [brushes hair out of his eyes] When I see you standing there, holding the Sacred Master Sword, you really do look like the ancient hero of legend...

Link: WHO IN THE NAME OF NAYRU'S UNDERWEAR ARE YOU?!

Sheik: My name is Sheik. I am the very, very, very, very, very... [ pulls out a slip of paper and reads off of it] very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very last Sheikah.

Navi: Wow... Really?

Sheik: Yes, really.

Navi: Coooool.

Link: But... eh... how do you know I'm the Hero of Time?

Sheik: Well, it's my job. You see, I'm the replacement for that big stupid owl thingy. Instead of being annoying and obvious and nagging and omnipresent, I'm... [wipes hair out of his eyes sexily] Suave... and... charismatic... and... mysterious... and... omnipresent.

[There is a gigantic crashing noise, as all the Sheik fangirls reading this pass out in their computer chairs]

Link: What was that noise? Ganondorf?

Sheik: No. My partisans.

Navi: Your whaa?

Sheik: The fangirls.

Link: Oh. Wait a sec! I'm a bishonen too! Why don't the partisans make that noise for me?

Sheik: They do. Just try this...

[He turns around and shakes his finely-tuned Sheikah butt slowly. There is another loud crash from the direction of the audience.]

Link: Oh... OK...

[He turns around, and does a pelvic thrust towards the camera. There is a shrill scream and a loud crash from the general direction of the audience.]

Link: COOOOOOL!

Sheik: Don't abuse the privilege. You just knocked out the whole soprano section of the chorus singers, too.

Link: Ah. Gotcha.

Sheik: Ahem, anyway... I am Sheik, Survivor of the Sheikah. It's my job to act as a guide to you in the now unrecognizable land of Hyrule... Many things have changed since you first entered this great temple, Link...

Link: Well, I know that... But... how can I change it? Rauru mentioned the Sages...

[Sheik's Theme plays even louder as the Sheikah pulls out a harp and plays along, singing quietly.]

Sheik:
When into evil, the land is flung...
Many legends there have been sung...
Of the Sages who will then receive a call...
To come to the temples and make evil fall...
One deep in a forest green... 'Neath the trees...
One on a high mountain scene... In the flames...
One beneath a sparkling lake...
One in the house of the dead...
And one in the goddess of the sand... You know...
Five of them throughout the land... You know...
Unfortunately, you see...
The evil is so strong that the
Sages cannot hear the awakening call...
So you must go forth and then awake them all...
Destroy the evil spirits haunting the temples...
And they'll wake up to help you reach your goals...

[The music slowly fades out, and Sheik sticks his harp away- er... Somewhere.]

Sheik: Do you understand?

Link: So... I have to go to each of the temples and destroy the evil creatures that are inside, thus allowing the Sages to hear the call of awakening and summoning them to give me their power so that I can kill Ganondorf?

Sheik: Yes.

Link: Ah. [suspiciously] And if I refuse?

Sheik: Kiss your 4 billion-dollar 9-game contract goodbye.

Link: [suddenly very enthusiastic] I'LL DO IT!

Navi: Uh... YEAH, ME TOO!

Link: Why? You don't have a contract, Navi. And besides, I'm all grown up now. I don't need a guardian fairy anymore, because the only people who have guardian fairies are Kokiri, and they never grow up so if one of them grows up then they're obviously not a Kokiri, so- [suddenly goes cross-eyed] HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

Navi: SO?! I LIKE ADVENTURE! AND BESIDES, I TOLD THE DEKU TREE I'D HELP YOU DO WHAT ZELDA ASKED YOU TO, AND THIS IS INCLUDED!

Link: IT IS NOT! THAT STOPPED WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR OF TIME AND SCREWED UP EVERYTHING SO-

Sheik: [quickly changing the subject] The first Sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple...

Link: [suddenly is paying attention] FOREST TEMPLE?!

Sheik: The Sage is a girl I am sure you know.

Link: [gasps] Saria? Saria!?

Sheik: Mmmm... Maybe.

Link: Whaddya mean "Maybe"? Who else could it be?!

Sheik: I don't KNOW!

Link: [sighs] OK, whatever, how do I get to the-

Sheik: Unfortunately, equipped as you now are, you can't even get inside the temple, you loser.

Link: [smacks forehead] D'OHHH!

Sheik: But... if you believe what I'm saying... -And you should. How could you resist advice from a guy who looks as good as me?- ... If you believe what I'm saying, you should go to Kakariko Village. There, you will find what you're looking for.

Link: What AM I looking for?

Sheik: Something that's in Kakariko Village.

Link: Where?

Sheik: There.

Link: What?

Sheik: It.

Link: It?

Sheik: That.

Link: What?

Sheik: It.

Link: Where?

Sheik: There.

Link: There?

Sheik: It.

Link: What?

Sheik: That.

Link: It?

Sheik: There.

Link: How?

Sheik: That.

Link: What?

Sheik: It.

Link: Huh?

Navi: WHO'S ON FIRST?!

[All three of them stand in confused silence, and finally, Sheik speaks again.]

Sheik: Uh... whatever.

Link: Yeaaah... So I should get going, then.

Sheik: I think so.

Link: OK. Well... thanks Sheik! I'll be sure to send Impa your greetings!

Sheik: ... Impa?

Link: Yes.

Sheik: Who?

Link: Her.

Sheik: Where?

Link: There.

Navi: WHAT'S ON SECOND!

Sheik: UGGGH! Just GO!

(Scene: Taking a step out of the Temple of Time and into the market, Link and Navi gasp in horror to see what they see...)

Link and Navi: GASP!

Link: The market... It's been completely destroyed...

Navi: The people who didn't escape have become Redeads, or as they're more commonly called, "Humpy-Zombies"!

Link: There's a big evil cloud swirling around Death Mountain! DIDN'T THE OWL SING THAT THAT WAS A BAD THING?

Navi: AND THE CASTLE! LOOK AT THE CASTLE!

[The castle is shown, in all its big and evil glory]

Sound FX Guy: BUM BUM!

Random Redeads in Background: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Link: It's so... so... horrible...

Navi: [turns around, taps Link on the shoulder] Not as horrible as THAT!

Link: ... huh? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!

Redead: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!
[singing]
I... am... a Re-e-e-edead...
I... want... to bite your head...
And... suck your brain out too...
But it looks like something nasty... That attack... I... do...

Link: MY SEXY BODYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

[Link shoots off towards the exit of the castle town as fast as he can. Suddenly, Navi stops him.]

Navi: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

Link: CAN'T TALK, MUST RUN!

Navi: What's that door over there?

Link: ... Whaddya mean?

Navi: Right there, on the left! We didn't go in that door before, did we?

Link: Oops. Well... I wonder what's in there now...

Redead: [sneaks up behind them, singing]
I... AM... A RE-E-E-EDEAD...
I... WANT... TO BITE YOUR HEAD...
AND... SUCK YOUR-

Link: WAAAAAGGGHHH!

[He throws the door open, tosses Navi inside, and then slams it shut again]

(Scene: Inside the gate room, Link leans against the door panting in terror. Navi is collapsed on the ground.)

Link: NO MORE... NO MORE, PLEASE...

Navi: No more what?

Link: MONSTERS... EVIL... DEATH...

Navi: Don't worry... I don't think the rest of Hyrule will be as nasty as the market...

Narrator: [everything freezes, he glides out onto the scene eerily] Unbeknownst to Navi, but knownst to us, Link is screwed no matter where he goes in this new Hyrule... [disappears]

Link: No... that's not it... Navi... I think...

Navi: What?

Link: I think that all of this is my fault...

Navi: Well... [consolingly] It certainly is, Link... It certainly is...

Link: But... I... I didn't want any of this to happen... Zelda and I were trying to help, but now... Ganondorf's got the Triforce... And I've ruined all of Hyrule!

Navi: [in shock] But Link, that's not true!

Link: Yes... it is... All this is my fault... If I hadn't been sucked into the Temple, I could have stopped Ganondorf and none of this would have happened!

Navi: But Link... You didn't have a...

[Slow piano chords start up, and blue lights shine from all over around Link, who grabs a microphone and starts humming slowly. The tune is that of "Anata no Ichiban ni Naritai" (I Want To Be Your Number One) from Nadesico. Ask me for a midi sometime.]

Link: Shhh... Not now Navi... it's finally time for my song...

Navi: Oh. OK! [has a seat]

Link: [singing slowly]
I... was just a normal Kokiri growing up once...
Now... Somehow I have grown up and I feel like a dunce...
Ganondorf... Has ruined everything...
His darkness is jading everything that was Hyrule...

Even... though I started this, I don't know if I can last
Can... I finish it when it is happening so fast?
There's no way... It was an accident...
None of this was something that I ever meant to do... Yes, it's true...

[Dry ice rises from the stage dramatically, and Link looks out on the audience with a dramatic look, a single tear running down his cheek]

Link:
Now it seems like my wishes will not come true...
You have got to admit this thing that's happened to...
Me, it is really strange! It's messing up my BRAAAIN...
And there seems... to be just one way out...

[Navi starts humming along as the chorus starts]

Link:
If only once more... Only once more...
I could live that moment when I messed up bad
All of this stuff... Could be undone!
And I wouldn't be trapped in this body...

[Navi wipes away a tear as the tearful song continues]

Navi: SING IT, BUDDY! [pulls out a lighter and waves it around]

Link:
Ah... I'm finding everything out as I go along...
Ah... I've nothing left to do but sing this awful song...
There's no way... I can handle this...

Chorus:
NO WAY...

Link:
Taking such a risk to save the world don't sound like me...
No, no, no...

Now it seems like my wishes will not come true...
You have got to admit this thing that's happened to...
Me, it is really strange! It's messing up my BRAAAIN...
And there seems... to be just one way out...

Link and Navi:
If only once more... Only once more...
I could relive when I talked to Zelda and made our pla-an...
All of this stuff... Could be undone!
And I wouldn't be trapped in this body...

[A long instrumental. More sparkly lights and stage effects, as a platform rises out of the stage beneath Link, with dry ice and dancers on bungee cords and all that fancy stuff happening around him. Navi flutters around him, singing in the background with the chorus singers. The audience waves lighters around and sways back and forth]

Link:
Innocence has left me far on down the road...
And I'm forced to carry on this really heavy load...
So what if the rhyming sucks?
I want my rubber DUCK!
And a chance... To do it all again...

Link, Navi, Chorus:
If only once more... Only once more...
I could live that moment when I messed up bad
All of this stuff... Could be undone!
And I wouldn't be trapped in this body...

[The song slowly fades out, and Link bursts into tears, blowing his nose on his tunic and wailing. Navi cries on his shoulder, and everything is shining with a blue light.]

Link: IT'S ALL MY FAULT, MAN! ALL MY FAULT!

Navi: ME TOO! ME TOO! WAAAAAAA!

Eerie Voice From Over Link's Shoulder: Good eeeeeeeeeevening.

[Theme from "Psycho" plays]

Link and Navi: [screaming bloody murder] BLOOOODY MUUUUURDEEERRRR!

[All the dramatic lighting cuts out and the stage falls dark. Special FX lightning flashes, revealing the silhouette of a shrunken, shriveled, cloaked and all-around creepy little man sitting on a rumpled bed in the corner.]

Pervert Poe Guy: Good eeeeeevening, my easily-frightened friends.

Navi: [clutches chest, faints]

Link: Who... who are you?!

Pervert Poe Guy: [completely oblivious to his question, bursts into song]
(To the tune of the "Phantom of the Opera")
I SIT IN BROKEN WALLS!
And fallen forts!
I BUY AND SELL YOUR POES!
Myself to support...
I have only one eye!
And no mouth too!
THE PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERVERTED POE GUY, THAT IS MY NAME...
And Link are you!

Link: WAAH?

[Organ music swells in the background, as PPG continues his song]

PPG:
That's right! I know your name!
And a lot more!
Your favorite movie is
"Biodome" with Pauly Shore...
And-and your favorite band...
Is WHAM! I know...
THE PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERVERTED POE GUY, THAT IS MY NAME...
Much more I KNOW!

Link: [turns red] How... how did you know that?!

PPG: [does a little jig as he bursts into the final verse, doing a full-out opera duet with soprano (In caps) and tenor]
IF YOU EVER CATCH A POE...
Don't be upset!
FOR LOTS OF MO-ONEY...
You soon can get!
JUST GIVE THE THING TO ME...
It I will buy!
BECAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE YOU KNOW MY NAME AND THAT IT IS...
Pervert Poe Guy...

[The song screeches to an end, and Poe Guy stares at Link with his scary one-eyed glare]

Link: [backing away] AGH!

PPG: Don't be alarmed, boy... [chuckles wickedly] I can read minds.

Link: [sighs, calms down] Oh... Well actually, that is a bit alarming.

PPG: You're brave and handsome. Very handsome, actually... Downright sexy. MWEEHEHEEHAHAH.

Link: Oh... [does the Sheik "Sexy-eye", but still has a confused glance] You noticed too?

PPG: With Ganondorf, the Evil King ruling this land, it is a fine time for a business like mine. But still...

Link: What kind of business is yours?

PPG: [oblivious to the question] If I were as handsome as you, I could run a... DIFFERENT kind of business...

[Everything falls silent as Link sits there a moment, blinking curiously.]

Link: ... What the...?

PPG: MWEEHEHEEHAHAHAH.

Link: What the freakin' HELL was THAT comment supposed to mean?!

PPG: MWEEEHEHEHAHAHAH.

Link: YOU'RE NASTY, MAN! EUUGH!

PPG: Don't be alarmed, boy. They don't call me the Pervert Poe Guy for nothing, y'know.

Link: So... ehm... [blushes uncomfortably] What kind of business is yours?

PPG: I run a male escort service. [winks with his single eye]

Link: ... Dear GOD.

PPG: But that doesn't work out usually, so instead, I buy and sell Poes. Do you know what POES are?

Link: Wasn't he that 19th century American author who wrote all those dark poems?

PPG: ... No, not Poe. POE-ZZZZ. Poes!

Link: Oh. [shakes his head, speaking in the rhythm of "The Raven"]
Once upon a midnight dreary
The Deku Tree grew weak and weary
While I asked him certain questions about evil beasts of yore.
The topic of Poe came up
And the tree, he closed the blame up
Shook his head and told me he'd speak of the subject
Never more.

PPG: Ah, too bad. [speaking in the verse of "The Bells"]
Hear those dark and clanking chains!
CLANKING CHAINS!
When you hear it near, a Poe quite clear
Will show up in your frame
While the lantern brightly glows
By the clanking
And the shanking
How the hatred ebbs and flows.
[suddenly speaking in "The Masque of the Red Death"]
Their souls are stiff-frozen
As they float. But the lantern souls chime
Die away- Pain they've endured
In an instant- Win the fight
And their laughter floats as you capture them
And they depart...

Link: [speaking in verse of "Fairy-Land"]
Again- again- again
Every single Poe I fight-
Forever filling bottles-
In your payment shiny I can see-
The gleaming of their pale faces.

PPG: [whistles] So NOW do you get the difference?

Link: I don't understand a thing I just said.

PPG: It's all right. I can see you have a way with words... [snickers mischievously]

Link: [picks up Navi, dusts her off] I'm outta here, you weirdo!

PPG: [coughs into his robes] Oh, it's all right... Don't mind me... I may have gone through all these horrible troubles, but oh, it's OK... Pay no mind to me... I'll just continue to sit in this old ruined city, in my little ruined room, with my one gigantic eye as big as my forehead, and not tell you all the information I know...

Link: [suddenly intrigued, he stops] What information do you have?

PPG: I know you, boy... We met seven years ago...

Link: Ehhh?

PPG: Remember? You were that little brat who came in here and broke all the pots?

Link: Come on, you're making that up. The only person who would possibly know I used to do that is that guard who used to... Wait... You're...

PPG: That's right! [hops up on his clammy feet, waves his stick around] I AM THAT GUARD!

(A/N: I bet some of you are probably thinking: AROOO??! Well HA! I have credible evidence that the PPG is INDEED that guard in the castle gate storage room when you're a child! How do I know?! Go look at the Guard's uniform. Then go to the future and look at the PPG's shirt. Go on. Try it. I dare ya. What are ya, SCARED?! SCARED THAT MAYBE FOR ONCE GG KNOWS MORE THAN YOU D- Wait, I'm rambling...)

Link: Holy freakin' crap man, what happened to you?!

PPG: Oh, you know, the usual... I wished evil on the world... I got it in the face full swing... My complexion went all clammy and my gorgeous face got turned into a no-mouthed, one-eyed glowing doodad. And my beautiful man hair...

Link: Wait. You never had beautiful man hair.

PPG: Yes I did! I had long, luxurious man hair!

Link: You're insane, man. I remember it like it was yesterday...

Navi: [suddenly awake] That's probably because for us it WAS yesterday.

Link: Right... Well anyway, you never had long beautiful man hair!

PPG: YES I DID! Remember the day we met?

Link: Hmm... [scratches chin]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK!
DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Seven years ago, the actual [Hey Ocarina] first time the Guard-Now-Known-As-PPG met Link...)

Navi: ENOUGH!

[The music stops immediately. Link and the rabbits look at Navi]

Navi: This is getting ridiculous! The rabbits are sort of cute, but Link, I can't stand to hear another second of your singing!

Narrator: [voice] Little did Navi know, she would hear a lot more than a second of Link's singing! She would hear seven years worth! Oh, but that's another story...

[The rabbits hop away, and Link and Navi continue on their way to the castle.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Tap dancers on an external spiral staircase)

Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI ARRIVED AT HYRULE CASTLE TOOOOOOWN...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chorus Singers:
DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! END OF FLASHBACK! END OF FLASHBACK!
DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! END OF FLASHBACK! END OF FLASHBACK!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene: Back in PPG's house. Navi, Link, and PPG stare in disbelief at the audience.)

PPG: You mean... I GOT "LONG-STORY-SHORT-ED" OUT OF MY HUMAN PART?!

Link: Uh... heh heh heh... Guess so... [takes a big step towards the door]

PPG: I... am so... ANGRY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO! WAAAGGGGHHHH!

Navi: RUN LINK, RUN!

PPG: I could just... [steam coming out from under his hood] BOY! I ORDER YOU TO CATCH ME A LOT OF BIG POES SO I CAN EMAIL THEM TO THE AUTHOR AND WREAK HAVOC ON HER COMPUTER!

Link: Erm... What do I get if I do?

PPG: [suddenly sounding perverted again] I'll make you a very happy man... MWEEEHEHEHHAHAAHAH.

Link: [grabs Navi, speeds out of the room] BYAAAAAH! I HATE THIS TOWN!

Navi: Ditto! BYAAAAAAAH!

[The two of them split out of the castle town, with Redeads and Pervert Poe Guys a-plenty chasing them.]

(Scene: Out on Hyrule Field, apparently safe from harm...)

Navi: Where should we go first, Link?

Link: [presses the start button and studies the Map Subscreen, which is floating in mid-air in front of him] Hmmm... The little blinky brightly-colored light thing says "Lon-Lon Ranch"!

Navi: Lon-Lon Ranch!? Why?! Didn't Sheik say we should go to Kakariko?

Link: [waves hand nonchalantly] Ah, screw him. I never disobey anything little, blinky, and brightly colored.

Navi: Hmmph. Yeah, right.

Link: Well Navi... I guess this is it... The beginning...

Navi: Of what?

Link: The beginning of the end of the beginning...

Navi: ... Whaaaat?

Link: [waves arms dramatically] This is where the game REALLY starts! No longer are we running errands for spoiled little Zelda! Now, we are actually SAVING THE WORLD! Me and my... [pauses] Gorgeous... sensuous... grown-up body... And you of course, are the only things that stand between freedom for the people of Hyrule or a lifetime of oppression under the evil Ganondorf!

Navi: Wow... I never thought of it that way!

Link: This is the part of the game that will get us all our phony-baloney awards from the big shot Broadway people!

Navi: Like the Oscars?

Link: And the Tonys!

Navi: AND THE STEVES!

Link: ... Whatever. THIS IS IT NAVI! THE END OF THE FIRST PART OF THE GAME!

Navi: Y'know what that old proverb says, Link. "Every new beginning is some other beginning's end."

Link: ... Wow, Navi. That was really poetic!

Navi: Wait... [shakes head] No, it's not a proverb, it's that annoying Semisonic song.

Link: Which one?

Navi: The one that goes like this:

[Stage lights immediately dim, and dramatic violin and piano music accompanies Navi as flashing spotlights and other special FX dramatize what she sings]

Navi:
I KNOW... WHO... I... WANT TO TAKE ME HOME!
I KNOW... WHO... I... WANT TO TAKE ME HO-OME!
I KNOW... WHO... I... WANT TO TAKE ME HOME!

Link and Navi:
TAKE US HOME!

[The music blares on as the two of them march triumphantly into the sunset... er, towards Lon-Lon Ranch]

Link: That's right, now...
I KNOW... WHO... I... WANT TO TAKE ME HOME!

Navi:
I KNOW... WHO... I... WANT TO TAKE ME HO-OME!

Both + Chorus Singers:
I KNOW... WHO... I... WANT TO TAKE ME HOOOOOOME...

TAAAAAAAAAAKE...
US...
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME-

PPG: [sticks his head in out of nowhere]
I'll make you a very happy man!

BAM!

~*~*~*~*~* END OF SCENE THIRTEEN *~*~*~*~*~