Fan Fiction ❯ Hey, OCARINA! - The Cheesy Zelda Musical ❯ Scene Fourteen: Lon-Lon Ranch & Kakariko Village (again) ( Chapter 14 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hey, OCARINA! -The Cheesy Zelda Musical
By Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER/SCENE FOURTEEN: Lon-Lon Lunacy and Kakariko Kraziness (AKA Find All GG's Recycled Chapter Titles And Win A Buck*)

*Finding all the recycled chapter titles does not guarantee you will win a buck.

In this chapter...

Link, the New-Improved Hero of Time!
Navi, the Fairy!
Ganondorf, the ultra hippie Evil King!
A bunch of random Gerudos!
Ingo, the Loony-Toony Stablehand!
Malon, the former cute little red-haired girl! (Who is now a hot red-haired lady)
Talon, the couch potato!
The Singing Cows!
Lots and lots of random Kakarikan citizens!
Dampé, the living impaired gravekeeper!
REALLY Creepy Freaky Psycho Killer Deranged Windmill Guy!
Random County Western Singer Dude!

(Does anyone else suspect that this is gonna be a long, long chapter?)

(Scene: Ganondorf's big evil tower. Sinister organ music plays, and the scene opens with Ganondorf, sitting at the desk in his office. He's seated in a high-back chair, petting a black cat sitting in his lap. His office is decorated with totally evil-looking gargoyles and skulls. The mean, green Gerudo King now has long, luxurious hippie hair, in addition to his bulging muscles and creepy evil aura. A harem of Gerudo girls surround him, feeding him grapes, fanning him, and dancing for him provocatively. Come on boys, you know you're jealous.)

Ganondorf: [studying a map of Hyrule on the wall] Darn the luck... DARN THE LUCK!

Gerudo A/Myra: Aww... What's the matter, your honored majesty?

Ganondorf: Something has happened! Something is wrong in the balance of power!

Gerudo B/Tyra: Whaddya mean, gracious and beloved ruler?

[Ganondorf pulls out a set of scales that are tipped to one side. That side is black, and labeled "EVIL". The other side is white, and labeled "GOOD"]

Ganondorf: Look! Look at this! See how the scale is?

[The Gerudos all close in, and stare at the scales]

Gerudo C/Elmyra: [nods observantly] The scales are tipped towards Evil.

Ganondorf: But look! The "Good" side is hovering above the ground! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE TOTALLY IN MY FAVOR! THAT MEANS THAT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IS PLOTTING TO DESTROY MY EVIL EMPIRE!

Myra: ... You can tell that by looking at scales?

Ganondorf: Of course! And besides that...

["March of the Empire" from Star Wars plays quietly in the background, as Ganondorf clasps his hands together and speaks in a deep, Darth Vader-esque voice.]

Ganondorf: I can feel a disturbance in the Force...

Tyra: ... The Force?

Elmyra: You mean... The Tri-Force?

Ganondorf: NO... The Force... THE FORCE OF MY RULE! THOSE PUNY HYLIANS ARE TRYING TO REVOLT AGAINST ME!

Gerudos: [all gasp]

Ganondorf: [slams hand on desk, scaring his cat out of its mind] THEY WILL NEVER GET THE BEST OF ME! I am GANONDORF DRAGMIRE! King of the Gerudo Thieves, and of ALL HYRULE! BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Gerudos: [salute] That's right, sir!

[Ganondorf continues chuckling evilly for a few seconds, then freezes with his face emotionless. He suddenly bursts into tears and starts sobbing, hugging his cat tightly]

Ganondorf: IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! WAAAAA! OH MR. JINGLES, YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND...

Mr. Jingles: GYAAH! [hacks up a hairball]

Myra: What's wrong, your majesty?

Ganondorf: IT'S SO HARD BEING AN EVIL KING! IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY DO THEY HAVE TO REVOLT NOW?!?!

Tyra: What are you talking about, you crazy man?

Ganondorf: [blubbers] I worked hard to steal the Triforce and kill my age-old rival, King Nounevasees... I don't want to be overthrown!

Elmyra: My lord, there's no need to worry about THAT!

Myra: That's right, your highness! Your power is greater than that of EVERYONE else's in Hyrule! You have everything you've ever wanted!

Ganondorf: Not everything...

Gerudos: Huh?

Ganondorf: I have yet to win the heart of my one true love, Impa! I have yet to kill that annoying pest Princess Zelda... I have yet to destroy the Hero of Time, whoever he or she is! And I HAVE YET TO INTRODUCE FOLK DANCING AS THE NATIONAL PASTTIME! WAAAA! Seven years in the throne... And I haven't done a THING for Hyrule!

Myra: Oh, that's not true, Your majesty!

Tyra: Hyrule is a much better place for evil folks like us because of you!

Elmyra: And don't worry about that Impa or that brat Zelda... You have almost everything you'd ever want in this palace!

Ganondorf: What do you mean...?

Gerudos: [in unison] RANDOM MUSICAL NUMBER, COMING UP, SIR!

[Drumbeats and bagpipe music start up, as the opening of "Baby, You're a Rich Man" by the Beatles plays. The three Gerudos yank Ganondorf out of his chair, and pull him through the room towards another door leading into the lower rooms of Ganondorf's castle. As they walk by, each of the Gerudos in the castle stop immediately and start dancing fancily.]

Gerudos: [singing in high voices, opera-style, and clapping their hands]
How does it FEEL TO BE
Hated by ALL of the...
PEOPLE?

Myra:
Now that you're in power, you know...

Ganondorf: [thinks for a moment, then nods]
There's nowhere they're safe from me!

Gerudos:
And does your land stretch very far?

Ganondorf:
As far as the eye can see!

[The Gerudos lead Ganondorf into a corridor that seems to be Ganondorf's own private dungeon. Strapped to the walls are various Hylians, Zora, Kokiri and Gorons, all moaning in agony and crying to be let go]

Gerudos:
How does it FEEL TO BE
Hated by ALL of the...
PEOPLE?

Tyra: [hands Ganondorf a whip]
Here with your power off the scales...

Ganondorf: [beats them all up]
Entertainment from their tortured wails!

Prisoners: OOOOGHH! AAGGGH! AAAAAAAAA!

[The Gerudos push Ganondorf into a trap door in the floor, and he slides down a long, custom-built chute, with the girls right behind him]

Gerudos:
This castle is custom, all your own...

[They shoot out of the bottom, barely avoiding a pit of alligators and spikes. The four of them land on a long, narrow walkway above a bottomless pit. Gerudos line the invisible floor on both sides, and they're all shaking their butts]

Ganondorf: [walking towards a large, spiked door at the end of the room]
My power and wealth do show!

[Several Gerudos pound away on a piano, head-banging as they launch into the chorus and a spiffy organized dance routine]

All:
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man...
DUUUUDE!

Gerudos:
You oppress the people and you rob them blind...
From your giant CASTLE!
To avoid a HASSLE!

Elmyra: GANON!

All:
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man... DUUUDE!

Ganondorf: [getting into the spirit, charges up a bolt of evil lightning to show off]
It feels so good to be
Hated by all of the...
PEOPLE!

Elmyra:
Your powers are mighty as can be!

Ganondorf:
And that's one thing I know!

Gerudos:
Your stolen Sacred Relic can't be beat...

Ganondorf: [holds up his hand proudly]
I love how the Triforce glows!

[He kicks the door to a long spiral downward staircase, and starts can-canning as he goes down the stairs, with all the Gerudos dancing around him)

All:
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man...
DUUUUDE!

Gerudos:
You oppress the people and you rob them blind...
From your giant CASTLE!
To avoid a HASSLE!

Tyra: GANON!

All:
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man... DUUUDE!

Myra: Whoooaaa!

All:
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man!

Elmyra: Ganon, Ganon ...

All:
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man... DUUUDE...!

[The Gerudos continue to belt out the song, as Ganondorf reaches the front door of his giant evil fortress. He holds up his hands and laughs maniacally]

Ganondorf: You girls are absolutely RIGHT! I've NOTHING to fear! Nothing at all! [waves fist angrily] DO YOU HEAR THAT, YOU STUPID GOOD-GUY WHOEVER YOU ARE!? I'M THE KING! I'M THE KING, I'M THE KING!

Gerudos:
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man!
You're an Evil King, Man...
DUUUUDE!

Ganondorf: [chords strike out and end the song, as Ganondorf laughs insanely] BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I'M AN EVIL KING, MAN!

(Scene: ... Sheesh, scary. Anyway, we catch up with our heroes Link and Navi, as they arrive in the gates of Lon-Lon Ranch, with has a scary and sort of obvious evil dark cloud over it.)

Link: [pulling Poe lantern glass out of his butt] OW! Stupid Poes! Nobody said that they'd be here!

Navi: Yeah they did. Don't you remember that creepy Poe Guy?

Link: The one whose every line sounded like innuendo of a yucky sort?

Navi: Yeah, him.

Link: ... No. I have a very short attention span.

Navi: Apparently. [sighs]

Link: [suddenly gasps] WHAT THE...

Navi: Hmm?

Link: LOOK!

[The big sign at the ranch that used to say "LON-LON RANCH" in those weird Hylian letters now says "INGO'S RANCH" in those weird Hylian letters. Of course, because we can't read Hylian (unless one of you is entirely too in to the game) we don't know that, Link does. Well actually, since I just said so we know it or... BAAH!]

Navi: "Ingo's Ranch"? Who in the heck is Ingo?

Link: It's that stupid guy who spelled every word he said!

Navi: HIM?!?! GAAAH! He owns the ranch now?!

Woman's Voice From Offstage: I'm afraid so... Oh, it's been such a long time since we've had a guest!

[Link and Navi spin around quickly to see a pretty young woman with bright red hair and a yellow scarf, carrying a pail of milk.]

Link: OOOOOOOOOOOWWWAAAGGGGHHH! [his eyes pop out and his tongue drops out of his mouth like a red carpet] WHAT A BABE!

Malon: ... Excuse me?

Link: [races over to Malon and hangs off of her apron] WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE, SWEETCHEEKS?

Navi: [flies over, whispering in his ear] Link, you moron! That's Malon! She's all grown up now too!

Link: [slobbering all over her apron]

Malon: OO; Um... help?!

Navi: [grabs a miniature fairy baka hammer and gives it to him] Ignore him.

Link: [hits the ground like a sack of wet mice] BAGH!

Malon: ... Riiiiight. Now, where was I? OH YES!
[bursts into song, to the tune of Epona's Song]
Oh, it's been...
A long time...
Since we've had a guest...
Everything sucks so bad...
Everyone's depressed.
Ganondorf... rules the world...
Everything's a mess...
But that you already know.
So I digress!

[Harp chords accompany Malon's singing]

Malon:
Mean Mr. Ingo, took over the ranch
Threw my dad out on the street...
He beats the horses and made me his slave...
If I refuse, then I'll be dead meat!
But worst of all he is plotting to give
My favorite horse to the king...
To win his favor because she's real fast...
That would be a real bad thing!
Oh, it's been...
A long time...
Everything's a mess...
I may turn into a lunatic!
I'M... SO STRESSED! AAAAAGGGGHHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOOO!

[Malon throws her arm over her face dramatically and runs offstage, shrieking in agony]

Link: ... Well then. That explains a lot.

Navi: What are we gonna do, Link?

Link: Well, seeing as I am the nifty Hero of Time and all that, I suppose it would be good of me if I were to get rid of Ingo for that little fox Malon.

Navi: [rolls eyes] Of course, it's for Malon's sake, and not for the sake of all the people who will suffer if Ganondorf gets a fast horse.

Link: Right, that's bad too.

[Scene: Standing by the gate where all the horses are, Ingo is dancing around, in a big stupid-looking shirt with stupid looking ruffles and frills, singing to a stupid remix of his original stupid song]

Ingo:
R-U-L-E-R of this ranch is what I've become!
N-O O-N-E can take it away too...
T-A-L-O-N is on his butt somewhere and really poor!
And M-A-L-O-N does what I tell her to do!

No H-E-R-O of Time is gonna stop me, no not one!
E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y knows that I'm a bad guy!
But all T-H-O-S-E same people know that it's the truth!
They can't stop me, so B-O-O-H-O-O go ahead and cry!

[Suddenly, the song cuts out, and we hear the jingling of spurs stepping towards Ingo. Ingo blinks confusedly, as the theme from "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly" plays.]

Ingo: Who's that?

Link: [low, John Wayne voice] Your worst nightmare...

Ingo: Ah! A C-U-S-T-O-M-E-R!

[Slinking creepily over, Ingo puts his hand on Link's shoulder, and giggles, honking loudly.]

Ingo: Welcome, welcome, welcome to Ingo's Ranch, my fine young man! Would you like to buy some Ingo Milk?

Link: ... [stares at him]

Ingo: Oh yes, Ingo Milk comes straight from Ingo himself! Ingo works hard to make enough Ingo's Milk to satisfy the population! Ingo squeezes and squeezes...

Navi: [giggles immaturely]

Ingo: Yes, my Ingo Milk is sooooo tasty... It's as sweet as Ingo himself! Ingo knows that people usually drink REGULAR cow's milk, but Ingo guarantees that his milk beats theirs!

Navi: [bursts out laughing]

Ingo: Wouldn't you just loooove to get a taste of Ingo's Milk? Ingo loves it when people drink his milk...

Link: OH GOOD NAYRU! SHUT UP! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Ingo: Is there a P-R-O-B-L-E-M?

Link: Freakin' A, man! That little monologue of yours just slapped the rating of this stupid story up a whole 'nother point!

Ingo: ... YOU'RE D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G, YOU STUPID P-E-R-V-E-R-T!

Link: Hey dude, you said it.

Ingo: ... Well, never mind the milk. Would you like to ride one of my fine horses?

Navi: [whispers in Link's ear] We don't have time for this! How are we gonna beat Ingo?

Link: [oblivious to Navi] YES, YES, HORSIE, HORSIE!

Ingo: Ah, of course. That'll be ten Rupees for one ride.

Link: [shells it out]

Ingo: Good... Now, you have one minute.

Link: ONE MINUTE?! You're a cheap bastard, ain't ya?

Ingo: Yes, I am.

[Seconds later, Link is inside the horse corral, looking around]

Link: [to Navi] I think I know how I can beat Ingo!

Navi: Huh? How?!

Link: Just trust me... All I have to do is get Ingo to face me to a horse race, and then it'll be a piece of cake! But first, I need to learn how to RIDE a horse.

Navi: Hey! Look! [points across the corral]

Link: What?

Navi: Isn't that horse Epona?

Link: [looking around blankly] Huh? Epona? As in "Epona's Song"? As in "Screechy Malon Melody"?

Navi: Yes! That is Epona!

[A beautiful ruddy mare with a white mane and tail is seen at one end of the corral, eating grass and doing whatever it is that horses do when they're in a corral.]

Navi: Aww, look how big she got!

Link: HEY! Do you think that was the horse that Malon was talking about?

Navi: I bet so! OH MAN! Poor Epona! I'd hate to be ridden by Ganondorf all day.

Link: [snickers]

Navi: OH, GROW UP LINK!

Link: Hey, I wonder if the song still works... [pulls out his Ocarina]

[Everything freezes, and the chorus singers quietly hum along with Link as he plays Epona's Song. When he finishes, everything resumes]

Epona: [suddenly alert] NEIGH!?

Link: Look, she remembers- WAAGGGH!

Epona: NEEEEEIIIIIIGGGHHHH! [races over and runs Link into the ground, stomping on him and licking his face]

Link: OW! OW! OW! OW! MY NUTS! MY NUTS! MY NUTS!

Navi: Hey, she likes it! Hey Mikey!

Link: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! OW! OW! OW! OOH, OH, OW!

[To make a long story short, eventually Link calms down the excitable mare and has mounted her, and is riding around the corral like a professional, occasionally stopping to rub his sore hiney.]

Link: Well Navi... I think I'm about ready to beat Ingo!

Navi: How do you plan on doing that with a horse race, Link?

Link: Simply! HEYYY, INGO!

Ingo: HEY WHAT?!

Link: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A HORSE RACE!

Ingo: OH GOOD! I ALWAYS WIN THOSE! HOW ABOUT, IF I WIN, I GET 50 RUPEES, AND IF YOU WIN, YOU GET NOTHING, HMM?

Link: WORKS FOR ME!

Ingo: OK THEN, GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!

Navi: Link, you just totally got hosed!

Link: [thinks for a moment] ... D'OH!

[Scene: Both of the riders are on their own separate horses, and wild guitar chords are strumming in the background. The whistles blows, and they're off! Suddenly, a Random Western Singer, who looks mysteriously like Roy Rogers, interrupts them. He stands on the fence of the corral, watching the race. Then he bursts into song, to the tune of "Blazing Saddles" from... uh... "Blazing Saddles!"]

Random Western Singer:
HE ROOOODE A BLAZING SADDLE!
HE WORE A NEATO HAT!
He rode to Lon-Lon Ranch to
Beat Ingo and get it back...
He'll conquer villains, and conquer hate
He'll save the world oh and then...
He'll go make out with Malon...
Before riding off again!
[whip crack]
HOOCHA!

When Ganondorf took over the world...
Lon-Lon Ranch was the best...
But he threw out Talon and gave it to Ingo...
After buying himself a new vest...
Yes, a new red leather vest...
Well Ingo beat all the horses down...
And made Malon his... um... [pauses] maid!
Until this young man rode into town...
And Link... was his name...
Yes, Link was his name!
And he said he didn't wanna get paid...
But that he only wanted to get-

Navi: [smacks him] GROSS! WHAT IN THE @*$& IS UP WITH ALL THE SEX JOKES THIS CHAPTER?!

Random Western Singer: OW!

Navi: That's enough outta you! Take it, Link!

[whip cracks, guitar chords]

Link:
I riiiiide a blazing saddle!
I wear a neato hat!
While riding into battle!
With a man whose brows are fat!

Ingo:
You little punk!
Why, I'll kick your butt!
I'll make you wish you were dead!

Link:
So says the flaming moron!
Who's got fat eyebrows on his head!
[slaps Epona's butt, she starts running really fast]

Ingo:
All right you panty-brain, we'll have a race
To see whose horse is the best...
And if I win, I'll give your horse to Ganondorf...
She matches his new vest...
Yes, she matches his new vest!

Link:
Oh yeah?!

[They go into a heated race, with the song still playing in the background]

Cows:
HE RIDES A BLAZING SADDLE...
HE WEARS A FUNKY HAT...

Cow #1: Look at that!

Cows:
HE'S FIGHTING TO BEAT INGO...
HIS EYEBROWS ARE REAL FAT...

HE'LL KICK HIM OUT AND WE'LL GIVE A SHOUT!
AND OPEN SOME WINE AND BRIE!
WE HATE THAT INGO JERK-OFF!
Even Talon's better than he!

[A very high budget special effect horse race takes place, and the music shifts for a moment to the theme from "Rocky" as the horses ram against each other and start biting each other. Ingo and Link glare at each other fiercely, and then start to ram against each other and bite each other. -_-;]

[So on, so forth, yadda yadda yadda Link wins both races]

Ingo: [screams in agony] NOOOO! I WAS GONNA GIVE THAT HORSE TO GANONDORF!


Link:
You shoulda thought of that 'fore you opened your yap
Cause now she belongs to me!
So take that, you dumb Ingo!
I'm gonna set her free!

Ingo: [snarls]
You think you're smart?
Well don't even start!
I've got you beat by a point!
I've locked the gates from the outside!
So you can't leave this joint!

[He gets off his horse and slams the gates shut, locking them]

Ingo: BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! GO AHEAD! TRY TO OUTSMART ME NOW!

Link: [shrugs] OK.

[Link backs up Epona, and she jumps the fence, after running over Ingo]

Ingo: OW!

[The triumphant western music continues, as Link and Navi ride out of the ranch and into the sunset, hooting and howling and having a general hootenanny. Heh heh... HOOTENANNY. That's a funny word.]

Link: YAHOOO!

Navi: YEEEHAAWW!

Link: WHOOPEEE!

Navi: RIDE 'EM, COWBOY!

Epona: YIPPE-TI-IY-AYE!

Navi: ... Did you say something, Epona?

Epona: No, nothing. Neigh.

Navi: And hey, Link! How did you know that that sucker Ingo was gonna fall for your trick?

Link: Easy. He has a Gambler's Anonymous patch sewn on to that stupid-looking frilly shirt he wears!

[As they ride off into the sunset, Malon is watching them from her bedroom window. She races across to see Ingo, trampled into the ground by the spirited young mare. She rubs her eyes, runs back across to watch Link riding away]

Malon: [slower, still same song]
He rode... a blazing saddle...
I'll... marry... him... someday...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHAPTER PLOTLINE BEGINS HERE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Scene: The camera rolls over a panoramic view of Kakariko Village, which has grown considerably since we were last here. The trees are bigger, there are more houses, and there's been a rather large population boom. The villagers are humming quietly as Link enters the town with Navi right behind.]

Link: So... Sheik said once we got here, we'd figure out what to do...

Navi: What do we do? Where do we go? Why in the heck did this town get so big?

Link: What we need is a song.

Navi: NO! LINK, DON'T SAY--

[The villagers all appear in the town square, facing Link and still humming. Suddenly, all sense-making stops as they burst into song, to the tune of "Skid Row" from Little Shop of Horrors.]

Navi: ... Too late.

(Intro)

All Villagers:
Oh this is Kaka-kakari-iko
We think that you just might remember it
It was a Sheikah village... such a long long time ago
And now we live here...

[They all put their hands on their hearts, and begin to really belt it out]

Ganondorf's... been making a mess of things...
As of late...

Villagers:
This town...

Carpenter Boss:
Slipped into poverty! Oh, and-

Villagers:
This town...

Potion Shop Witch:
Has become an anarchy, and oh-

Villagers:
This town's...

Chicken Lady:
Become a poor overcrowded HOOOOOLE!

Villagers:
Kaka-riko...
Kaka-riko...

Th is town's...

Laughing Guy:
Become our only sanctuary!

Villagers:
And this town's...

Pooch Lady:
Not very sanitary, and-

Villagers:
This town's...

Guy W/ Beard:
Reputation's starting to GOOOOOOOO!

Villagers:
Kaka-riko...

[The villagers all break into a big dance line, with the men out front, walking close to the ground and snapping their fingers to the melody. The women form a can-can line and begin to... can-can.]

All Women:
Ganondorf's ruling the entire world!
His evil monsters all have been unfurled!

All Men:
It kind of really sucks to be in Hyrule now!
Don't spare women, don't spare children-

Random Lady: Not even my cow! [throws her arms around her poor cow's neck]

Cow: Moo.

All Women:
And Princess Zelda has gone MIA!

All Men:
The day that she returns, oh that will be the day!

All Women:
Or maybe we could get some hero sooner, eh?

Villagers:
SOME KID WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE YOU! [point at Link accusingly]

This town's...

Old Guy:
Not got much to report...

Villagers:
And this town's...

Ghost of Dampé:
Just one grave-digger short!

Villagers:
And in this town...

Random Man: [holding a bowl of soup, seven people run up to him and try to take it]
FOOD IS 90 RUPEES A BOOOWWWWWL!

Villagers:
Kaka-riko...
Kaka-riko...

Link: Whoa! Hey, you guys, I just got here! I don't know if I can...

Navi: No, Link... [sighs] You've got to SING. That's why it's a musical, stupid!

Link: [sighs] Fine... [sprays some breath spray in his mouth as the villagers continue]

Villagers:
Kaka-riko...
Kaka-rikooooooo...
< br> [Everyone starts shimmying back and forth, and Link steps forward]

Villagers: [repeating over and over]
Help us! Help us! Help us!

Link:
People!
I just woke up from a long nap!
Now I'm faced with all of this crap!
I was just a kid until now!
I don't know quite HOW-
I can help you with your problems-
I need help with mine!
And I'm confused!
About how all this Ganondorf-business came on coming around...
I'm over my head! It's like I'm back from the dead!
I don't know! Can I help -

Villagers:
This town's...

Skulltula Dad:
In a deep pile of muck! Oh, and-

Villagers:
This town's...

Bazaar Clerk:
Feeling kind of stuck, because-

Villagers:
This town's...

Potion Shop Woman:
Under an evil tyrant's CONTROOOOOL!

Villagers:
Kaka-riko...

Link:
I would love to help you really, I would, but I've
Been burdened so much I feel I may die, and I'm-
Still coping with the fact that I'm double-size
Suddenly I feel seven years older

[The villagers sing the "This town" parts again and again as Link continues]

Link:
I've missed out on my whole entire childhood
It's like I've moved to a complete brand new neighborhood!
You gotta understand this isn't too easy-
This muscular body makes me feel queasy!

[The song starts speeding up, Link and the Villagers begin a dance routine]

(Grand Finale)

Link, Navi and Villagers:
This world is troubled and not very pleasant!
It's tough to live when you're only a peasant!
But we're still grateful we've got clothes on our ba-acka!
We've got homes and money in the sa-acka!
Let's stop dancing and go eat a sna-acka!
We're surviving best we can in Ka-aka!
WE'RE ALL STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE HERE IN KAKARIKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Wailing piano chords finish out the song, and the villagers and Link all create a huge human pyramid with everyone balancing off of Link, making dramatic faces at the camera as the last vibrations of the song fade. They all pause for a moment, frozen in place, until...]

Link: [inches out from in between the Bazaar Guy and the Chicken Lady and yawns] Well Navi... where to now?

[The Chicken Lady and Bazaar guy panic and quickly place their arms on each other's shoulder, trying to keep the pyramid up. They're both leaning inwards though, and it's taking all of everyone's strength to stay up and balanced]

Navi: I dunno, Link... That was a great song, but it still didn't help us find the thing we need!

Villagers: UGH! AGH! [grunts and groans as they try to hold the pyramid]

Link: Wait... Somebody in that song mentioned the gravedigger, Dampé? Do you remember him, Navi?

Navi: ... No. We had the chorus line skip over that part, too.

Link: ... Oops. Well, I remember him with my magic memory thing! And I don't remember him being dead when we last came here! What happened to him, anyway?

Random Villager: [grunting and trying to hold up the big fat Pooch Lady] He... he... agh... HE BURIED HIMSELF ALIVE!

Link: ... Guess he wasn't a very GOOD gravedigger.

Navi: Ohhhh, please don't say we have to go to the graveyard! I hate graveyards! We might have to run into more of those... those... HUMPING THINGS!

Link: [grits his teeth] Sorry, Navi... But the blinky little light on my map subscreen is telling me that I have to go to the graveyard to see this dead guy that I never even met in the course of this story... And by gum, that's what I'm gonna do!

Navi: [sighs] You realize that this whole gravedigger thing has nothing to do with the rest of the story at all? And that the author just came up with it randomly rather than doing an actual plot point explaining why we need to go there?

Link: ... I do. But what are we gonna do, huh? [shrugs, walks through the village whistling the "Kakariko" song.]

Villagers: AAAAGH! [tumble to the ground in a big honkin' heap.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI GOT INTO THE GRAVEYARD, DUG UP A WHOLE BUNCH OF DEAD BODIES, AND THEN FINALLY FOUND THE GRAVE WITH A SECRET PASSAGE IN IT TO DAMPE'S CRYPT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Scene: Dampé's crypt. A big, wide, scary-looking room with columns and misty smoke and that music that generally means that evil screaming scary things are gonna be around here. A spazzy-looking Quasimodo-ish ghost is hovering over the ground with a big halo over his head, holding a lantern with his SOUL in it. Oooh, I want one! ... A lantern, not a soul.]

Link: [stares at Dampé] Wow...

Dampé: Wow what, kid? Ain't you never seen a hunchback before?

Link: No, it's not that... I guess I've never really seen a dead guy before.

Dampé: Aw, sure you have! Haven't you ever been to a Rolling Stones concert?

[PA-DUM, CHIIII!]

(A/N: ... Hoo boy. I'm gonna die for that one.)

Link: Uh... yeah. Well, all of the extremely sketchy clues pointed me to you, so I guess, here I am. Why am I here again?

Navi: Mr. Dampé, Sir... Sheik sent us. We need a way to get into the Forest Temple.

Dampé: Ahhh... I think I may be able to help... I have just the thing you need!

Link: [excitedly hopping up and down] Oh, what is it what is it?

Dampé: It is my most precious possession! The one thing that I loved so very much, I took it to the grave with me!

Link and Navi: WHAT?! WHAT?!

Dampé: MY BELOVED STRETCHING, SHRINKING TREASURE!

Navi: [sits in silence] ...

Link: [bursts out laughing] BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Navi: [smacks him] OH GROW UP YOU LITTLE PERVERT!

Dampé: [rolls his eyes] No, don't worry about it, Little Fairy... I get that all the time.

Link: [wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes] STRETCHING... SHRINKING... BAAHAHAHA... IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR...

Dampé: [hands on hips] DO YOU WANT IT OR NOT?!

Link: [shuts up and salutes] I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR IT, SIR!

Dampé: Good... but first, in true RPG tradition, you have to do something for ME! Something so unbelievably dangerous, time-consuming and pointless... Something so idiotic and random... SOMETHING SO ANNOYING that by the time you're halfway finished with it, you'll be almost ready to give up and make a treasure for yourself out of nails and some sticky tack!

Link: [slaps forehead] D'OH!

Navi: [groans] ... WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO!?

Dampé: [raises his hands mysteriously] In life, I was but a slow and for lack of a better word, LUMPY guy! I could do little more than hobble about the dirt paths in the graveyard and dig a little bit every time someone died! It was very depressing. I had always wished that I could become faster...

Link: [dozing off]

Dampé: One fateful day in the graveyard, I accidentally stirred up a vicious Poe from one of the graves. As I chased the little bugger, I realized that he was entirely too fast to catch. FLIGHT! That was the secret to speed! I finally realized what I had to do...

Navi: Condition to be a marathon runner?

Dampé: Well, I was GOING to do that, but at that second the Poe conked me on the head with my own shovel and pushed me into the hole, burying me alive and sealing my fate.

Navi: [blinks] ... Oh.

Dampé: [throws arm over face in despair] And so, my friends, as my final request before I pass on into the realm of dead, I WANT TO RACE! Now that I am dead, I am just as fast as that stupid Poe who did me in! Now, let me prove my speed to you by racing you to the end of my entirely too complicated crypt! If you do that for me, I will give you my beloved treasure, and my spirit can finally rest in peace.

Navi: [looks at Link]

Link: [busy experimenting with how his hand passes through Dampé's body and giggling]

Dampé: ... CUT THAT OUT!

Link: Huh?! OH! [leaps back to where Navi is standing] Sure, buddy! We'll help you out!

Dampé: [does a flip in mid-air] AAARIIIIIIGHT! Okay! On the count of three, we go! Ready?

Link: [gets into the racing position] Ready!

Dampé: [holds his lantern out in front of him] 1... 2... 3!

[Both of them shoot off down the crypt, and organ music starts to play. Why, it's the beginning of "It's Only A Northern Song" by the Beatles! This version is entitled "It's An Impossible Mini-Game!", and you'll hear it MANY more times throughout the rest of the story! Dampé bursts into song as he floats through the air, with Link in close pursuit as they twist and turn down all the different maze-like tunnels.]

Dampé:
If you're listening to this song
I've been here on Earth for much too long...
Cause I'm dead.
Time to put me to sleep!
All I want's a measly race!
If you let me win and take first place
I'll be glad.
Cause then I can pass on!

[A jet of fire shoots out of his lantern and almost hits Link, who dives out of the way quickly]

Link: WHAT THE-?! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, DAMPE?!

Dampé: [pauses singing for a moment] Well DUH. I'm a vengeful spirit! I can't help but try and kill you.
[starts singing again]

It doesn't really matter how fast you go
Or how I'm slow
Because you cannot win...
THIS IMPOSSIBLE MINI-GAME!

Link: HUH?! I CAN'T WIN?

[Piano chords and more organ music play as the race continues, while Link dodges fire and Dampé floats ahead]

Dampé:
It doesn't really matter how hard you press
The control stick, or SOS
It's true. This is an
IMPOSSIBLE MINI-GAME!

Link: [huffing and puffing] But you said that if I beat you, I could...

Dampé: [shakes his head] Well, I meant that if you actually try and finish at all!

Navi: I don't get it! Why would Nintendo be so sadistic as to put in a mini-game that was impossible to win?

Dampé: [shrugs, continues to sing, with the chorus singers now providing back-up]
I know lots of time it takes.
And not a lot of sense does it make.
But it's true.
This is futility!

A LESSON IN FUTILITY!

[The organ and piano and trumpet chords play on as they round the final bend, Link still trying to prove Dampé wrong by winning. But poor Link, like the chorus singers are about to say...]

Chorus Singers:
AN IMPOSSIBLE MINI-GAME!

[The music ends as Link and Dampé finally reach the end of the maze, a small, dark room with a pair of torches and a large block in front of the exit.]

Link: [huffinf and puffing] I HATE THE IDIOT WHO THOUGHT OF THIS!

Dampé: [stares at Link, looks hurt]

Link: I mean the programmer.

Dampé: OOOOH. [giggles playfully and does a backflip] WHEEHEEHEE! THAT WAS FUN! It feels so good to finally be AHEAD of somebody else!

Navi: [wheezing on the ground] GLAD... WE... COULD HELP...

Dampé: [smiles cheerfully, and a treasure chest rises out of the ground in front of Link] Thank you, my friend... Now that I have finished my business here on earth, I can finally pass on... Take my treasure! I'm sure it will be of use to you!

Link: [smiles gleefully and rubs the treasure chest like it was his child]

Dampé: My treasure is called the HOOKSHOT! It's a spring-loaded hook on chain that can stick into things and bring them towards you, or catapult you towards that object! FUN, HUH?

Link: Very!

Dampé: [is surrounded by a bright and glowing light] I can feel it... I'M BEING PULLED TO THE OTHER WORLD TO JOIN MY OTHER UNDEAD VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS!

Navi: ... There are others?

Dampé: Hell, yeah!

[A bright glowing figure appears in the room as well]

Auron: [from Final Fantasy X, GG's boy toy ^.^] Dampé, buddy!

Dampé: HEY! I remember you! We met at the "Undead Guys Anonymous" picnic last year!

Auron: Come on, hurry up and let's go to the other side! Creepy Fayth Kid is throwing a kegger!

Dampé: [eyes widen] HELL YEAH! SEE YOU GUYS! WOOOOHOOOO... [his voice echoes out]

[Auron's Theme song plays majestically as the two of them begin to crossover to the other side. Just before he disappears, Auron pulls out his copy of the script and stares at the camera]

Auron: Um... [reads off of it] "THIS... is for the fangirls"...?

[He rips off his shirt.]

Link: O.O?

Dampé: O.O?

Navi: X.X [passed out in fangirlish joy]

Auron: [stares at the script, then at the shirt in his hands] Why in the hell was that in there?

GG: [giggles innocently]

[Dampé and Auron shake their heads sadly, then a bright light shines and they are gone]

(A/N: ... I disgust myself. ^^; I got a PS2 and FFX to go with it if you guys didn't hear! AT LAST! I mean... uh... I LOVE NINTENDO! Don't worry, I'm gonna hook up both of them in my room. AURON FOREVER!)

[The song fades and Navi and Link are left standing in the room, Link swinging the hookshot around by his finger.]

Link: Well, hey! This must be what Sheik meant when he told us to come here!

Navi: Yeah! And now we can go save Saria!

Link: Yeah... [clenches his fist] Saria... I promise, Saria, I won't let anything happen to you...

[Link's dramatic soliloquy is cut short by some familiar organ music in the background.]

Link: Huh?

Navi: ... That's the song that that freaky windmill dude was playing when we met him all those years ago!

Link: Hey! Dampé locked us in!

Navi: No, no he didn't! This passage must go through to the windmill! That's why we can hear the song, the crazy windmill dude is still there!

Link: Yippee! Now, uhh... how do we get out?

Navi: ... Do we really have to say?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus Singers:
TO MAKE A LOOONG STORY SHORT!
PART OF THIS SCENE WE WILL ABORT!
WE HOPE THIS FIC DOESN'T TAKE US ALL TO COURT!
TO MAKE A LOOOONG STORY SHORT!
LINK AND NAVI FOUND THEIR WAY TO THE WINDMILL!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The Song of Storms plays quietly, and the two of them are looking around cautiously for the windmill guy]

Link: [whispers] I don't see him anywhere...

Navi: He must be here! Otherwise, where is the music coming from?

[Suddenly, they both feel cold, clammy hands touch their shoulders, and a deep growling hiss breathing down both of their necks]

Both: OO;;;

[There is a brief pause, and a pair of glowing evil eyes appear behind them as well. A mouth opens and we see deadly sharp teeth, and a croaky, evil voice says...]

DWG: ... GO AROUND... GO AROUND...

Navi: [turns around slowly] OH... MY... GOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Link: [wets his tunic] AAAAAAAGGGGHHIIIIIEEEEE!

[There, behind them, stands... THE DERANGED WINDMILL GUY! Only he's about 100% different than the last time we've met him. 100% more crazy... 100% more deranged... and 100% more EEEEVIL... His psycho eyes have gone blank with rage, and his shiny bald scalp glints like the eyes of Death himself. His ragged clothes hang off of him like the flesh hangs off of a big creepy zombie. His twisted hands still crank the handle of a twisted old music box, and... WOO. I'm freakin' myself out. Ah, you know how scary he looks.]

[A scary rock and roll remix of the Song of Storms starts up, and RCFPKDWG (REALLY Freaky Psycho Killer Deranged Windmill Guy) begins to sing in a hissing voice. Y'know, maybe from now on, we'll call him DWG 3000.]

DWG 3000:
SPINNING ROUND...
TWISTING ROUND...
TWIRLING, WHIRLING ALL AROUND...
MY RAGING SOUL, IT BURNS
AS I WATCH THE WINDMILL TURN...
OH, THAT SONG!
ALL MY PAIN!
HOW MY LIFE WENT DOWN THE DRAIN!
WHEN I HEARD THAT SONG OF STORMS...

Link and Navi: [walking backwards towards the exit of the windmill, frightened out of their wits and pale as ghosts]

DWG 3000:
STUPID KID!
STUPID KID!
PLAYED THAT SONG IN HERE, HE DID!
OCARINA PUNK!
MADE THE WINDMILL FUNK!
NOW IT'S BROKE!
NOW IT'S BROKE!
NOW MY ONLY HOME IS BROKE!
HOW I'M GONNA KILL THAT BLOKE!

Link: [fiddling with the doorknob, trying to open it without taking his eyes off of the ranting mad psycho crazy loon.]

Navi: [smacking him on the shoulder to speed him up, watching the DWG as well]

DWG 3000:
STAB HIM GOOD!
GUT HIM UP!
THEN I'M GONNA CUT HIM UP!
WATCH THE SUCKER BLEED...
ON MY SLACKS OF TWEED...
THEN I'LL PLAY!
THEN I'LL PLAY!
THE SONG HE PLAYED FOR ME THAT DAY!
I WILL PLAY THE SONG OF STORMS!
LIKE THIS:

[He proceeds to play the song... again. Link quickly jots down notes with a pencil and then continues trying to slam the door open, as the DWG 3000 gets closer and closer, brandishing a big knife out of his music box]

DWG 3000:
HE WILL PAY!
HE WILL PAY!
WHEN I SEE HIM AGAIN SOMEDAY!
I WILL GET THAT KID!
FOR WHAT HE DID!
DO YOU KNOW
DO YOU KNOW
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT KID GOES?
SO THAT I CAN HUNT HIM DOWN?

Link: GYAAAAAAGH! [kicks the door open like he learned how to on Worst Case Scenario, grabs Navi and hauls it.]

[The door to the windmill slams shut, and DWG 3000 is left to mutter in his brooding insanity]

[Meanwhile, outside, Link and Navi are racing at top speed AWAY from the windmill and TOWARDS Kokiri Forest to save the day!]

Navi: Just when you thought that we'd met the scariest person in the game!

Link: NEVER EVER EVER LET ME GO IN THERE AGAIN!

[They arrive out on the field and Link jumps atop Epona gracefully, spurring her on and heading her south towards the forest]

Link: Hurry, Navi! Saria could be in real trouble! We've got to save her!

Navi: Hey!

Link: Hey what?

Navi: Why don't you just call her on your Ocarina, remember?!

Link: O.O I AM SUCH AN IDIOT! I FORGOT! [halts Epona in her tracks and yanks out the Ocarina of Time]

Chorus Singers:
OC-OC-OCARINA OF TIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

Link: [plays Saria's Song and waits as the call goes through] Come on Saria, come on... Pick up...

Saria's Answering Machine: [BOOP] Hi! This is Saria! Sorry, but I'm busy being trapped in a big evil temple by a horrendous monster and fearing for my life, counting the days left until it kills me and feasts upon my flesh like the sweet meat of a young king crab right now! Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, and if you're Link, my best friend in the world who has been gone for seven years, but by some miracle is still alive, grown up, and charged with being the Hero of Time and saving the world, then... GOOD TO SEE YOU! And... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Link: D'OH!

Navi: [sounding fearful] Link! Saria! She's in trouble!

Link: I know, I know! I can't let her get hurt! Even if I don't get exactly why I have to save the world and why I have to be the Hero of Time... I CAN'T LET SARIA BE KILLED! I must save her!

Navi: That's the spirit!

Link: [dramatically] Not as the Hero of Time... but as Link, her best friend!

Navi: [google-eyed] How dreamy...

Link: [ruins the moment] Oh PLEASE don't say you have a crush on me.

Navi: [slaps self] What am I saying?! HURRY UP, LINK! WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THE FOREST TEMPLE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

Link: [spurs on Epona] YAAH! TO THE FOREST!

[A blurry image of Saria crying appears in the background as Link and Navi race to the forest on Epona's back. Tense music plays, and Link stares off into the distant trees, acting like a suave hero for the first time EVER.]

Link: [thinking] Hang on, Saria... I promise, I'll save you!



~*~*~*~*~*~*~* END OF SCENE FOURTEEN *~*~*~*~*~*~*~