Fan Fiction ❯ Kisa's poetry ❯ Chapter 5

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Something can't escape

Something can't get out

You let me go?

I can still feel you

I've set upon somebody else

But I can never forget you

The heart I gave to you was never thrown back

You hurt me

You killed me

You broke me

And now I wander

In a cold alleyway

Down a path that leads to nowhere

To a house that's not there

As I scream your name louder

Unable to cry

Unable to do anything

I can't feel emotions other than pain

And anger

No tears can fall

I have none left

I couldn't if I wanted to

You broke me

You did this

I have so many words to yell at you

So many hurtful things you thrust at me

Into my being

Because of you I cannot feel anything

I cannot feel the love I want to have

I am nothing as I say

So many things

And I can't get them out

To you

To them

To everyone

Ebony wings

Velvet rose

That is me

This is what I have to be

Broken window

Sliced in places of worship

I don't need

To be anywhere near a blade

Yet still the redness comes out

And I lose the balance

My eyes are blinded

Clouded with gray

And I am alone

I am nothing

I am prevented from doing what I am here to do

I am not what you want

I am not 90%

I am ME

My name is lost to all there is

I feel the ink slide down my flesh

Hear the music play

My funeral await

As the people walk in

They pretend to cry

And realize it is they're fault

That they didn't see me

And my pain is a mask

Something lost to all that will be

Enigmas of existence

My favorite quotes

The things I say in my extended pages

`of blood, and of ink'

I read something

And see that I cause as much pain

That I suffer with

And now I want to die

Officially I am empty

Now I am the shell I wanted to be

I stick around for her

To figure out if my destiny contuses with that person's

And that is all I can do

Again I have no other purpose

And I have no passion to live

I just wanted that one person

And they don't want me back

I give words and hope for some back

But never expect it

Because I know I won't get them back

I just wish I could

The blade still rips me open

Still pulls me to its atmosphere

And I must obey

As it draws up

And comes down

Forces itself inside of me

Violence and hot liquid splurge out

The cut I inflicted

Bleeds through the night

As I fall asleep and lose the precious rose viles

The same substance I had cried for so long

And now do not feel anything for

Yet again I say that you did it

I wanted to be a person

To dream and be normal

Like everyone else

I am not

I brood on my past

I live in the nightmares I read

From the hand and ink of another

And I will never forget

I can only pretend

Just as they do

Pretend I have issues

They do

Not me

I do

I am obsessed with my doom

I am engulfed in the lies

They live in them

And call me out as if it is my fault for seeing outside

I see more than I should

I know more than I should

And I question

And I ponder

And I live in a shell

But lost to them all

Have an empty glass

Knocked over and spilled

The contents dried up

And now the raven screams again

I will have to keep this going

To keep writing for all of eternity

And no matter what I do

No one will really read in between these lines

Or see the message I give out

Because I don't have any thing to tell them?

Because I can't do it unless I know they want to know

I won't put this on anyone else and won't accept anyone who hurts `them'

One person

The only person I stay here for

No way

I won't leave yet

I want to go

Away and far from here

But I stay for someone who cannot see me

And I will continue to stay

Whether they realize or not

I will keep on going

Keep on writing

Keep on screaming

Silently screeching in my own throat

Escaping whimpers that turn that person's head

But I have no right

I don't deserve

I am not here for anything but to write

And to try to put things back in the way that everyone can see

Without hidden messages

Or sound breaking in

Finish this memoir

Scatter the pieces

Around the area

And hope they don't haunt me

And just let them live

A legacy no one will read

A story no one will notice

As such was my existence

And now you can keep this

Hold tight to your chest

That will never touch me

And you know you broke me

My heart and my soul

My spirit and the chance I had

To take to myself who I wanted so bad

And you still hurt me

As if I'm not dead

It's your fault we met

Me and that one

And now I can't have them

And you relish that fact

You watch me squirm as I let this come out

But never all of it

For if it were all

No one would live

All the world would be gone

There's things that I know

That would end every war

Stop every heart

And frighten every shell

All I can do is play your game

And hope that that person

Will never see the real me

Or the me that I accidentally

Let you see

That gun is still poised

I wait for my turn

To kill you and burn you

To make my pain stop

To end all the heartbreak and finally leave

I cannot hurt them

And you shield yourself with the one person I won't harm

So you better watch out

As soon as I know

They are safe and alone

Then I will kill you

Kill myself as well

You hurt me

You broke me

Now see what happens when you still cuff me back

And don't let me leave

Show me what I could have had

And rip one wing from me

I am dieing

And living

And will be here forever

With bleeding palms

Drowning in blood

Bathing in the scent of ink and soil

The paper slowly etching into my skin

Carving into me

The words you speak

The name I seek

A flower blooming

Black petals spread open

But droop and cry

The pen moving faster as I write more down

No matter how long

It is never enough

I am leaving

I am going

To a new place

As soon as the pain and terror that you made me see

Is lifted from the person I now need to be with

And I don't know myself

Why I feel like this

But can tell you that I am dead

And yet still alive

Because that one person

That caught my eye

And won't let up easy

Or let me just fade

Everything keeps changing and I cannot stop it

So what now?

What do I do?

Can I trust you to help me,

Or to leave me?

Now that I know that this one suffers,

Because you showed me,

Will I be able to bandage a wound that I own myself?

That I keep reopening time and again?

Or does every word and letter

Mean nothing to you, to everyone else,

Even to that one person?

Or even, impossibly…

To me?

Maybe I have a purpose

But that purpose is small

To engrave my voice into history

And wait for everything to fall back in step

Then walk on in a journey

To keep it in step

Sing my song

Sing my melody

In perfect harmony

Know that I will carry on

Whether I bleed an eternity

Or smile for an hour

Infinity is nothing

I am empty now

You broke me

And now…

Something can't escape

Something can't get out…

I am a white rose

But why do I have the petals of black and red?

Because I am a white rose

Dipped in blood and ink

Soaked until I carry the pain in all my later blossoms

Destined to die of suffocation

To never reach nor grasp what I desperately long for

And you broke me

I hate you

And I will kill you

As soon as I do

I will lift the biggest burden from that person

And pull the trigger

I will finally and truly cease to exist forever

And that person will no longer feel the pain I keep around

I am pain

And when I die

The one I am already consumed by

Will finally rest their eyes

And not be afraid if the next day is her last…

I am still…

One with no name….

Alone