Fan Fiction ❯ My Adventures With a Crazed Elf-Man ❯ Falling... On A Grumpy Elf... ( Chapter 1 )

Howdy ya'll! How's it goin? Okay, go easy on me; this is my first LotR fic.

Disclaimer: Hey, Legolas, baby?

Elf-Man: What, puny mortal?

Me: Do I own you?

Elf-Man: What do you think, puny mortal?

Me: … Let's see about that… YES!!!

Elf-Dude: By the Valar. ::grumble mumble grumble::

Me: ::hugs sexy Elf-Dude::

Seriously, any lines from the movie/ books you recognize… AREN'T MINE!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter One

Falling… On an Elf

Okay, it all started as a pretty normal day. I did my usual before-school-starts routine: be woken up, ask for five more minutes, wake up again, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, GO! I did all of that, except when I opened my bedroom door to leave, it wasn't my hallway. Nope, nuhuh. My doorway was floating. As in, above the ground. As in, in the freakin clouds. I wanted to touch one of the clouds, but it was too far away. So me being me, I stepped through the portal deal and - you guessed it - fell about a hundred million feet. Actually it was only a hundred. I landed in a tree. Wouldn't that be a pathetic adventure if I hit the ground and went SPLAT? Nothing would've happened, and that would've sucked big time.

Back to the point, I landed in a tree, and having as much grace as I do fell off my savior-branch. Eventually, I grabbed one and slowly managed to climb down. Holy Ham that was a feat with my big, teal, twenty pound backpack on my back. I ended up throwing it to the ground and getting when my feet were there too. With my infinitesimal amount of balance, I fell out of the tree and landed on… something soft?

"What the fudgesicle?" I asked aloud. "Who the bloody hell are you?" Mind you, I'm American - Texan to be precise.

My cushion merely growled, placing a sword to my throat and pushing me to my feet. The growling cushion stood up as well, the blade never wavering. "Who are you? What do you want? Why are you following us?" he growled. The voice was so masculine and so familiar… Just give me a second and I'll place it…

"Um… I'm Ed, I want to get to school - which is saying something, cuz I hate high school - and I'm not following nobody, because I'm not behind anybody. If you want to get technical, you're tailing me, dude, because you're behind me." Yup, rambling at it's worst. I wasn't even on a roll! "Who are you? There's more than one person? Am I in another dimension or another world? If I was in another world, why isn't the sky purple with fields of paper flowers and clouds singing lullabies?" Can you say `Evanescence fanatic'? Oh, and some of my friends do call me Ed. It's an inside joke.

"Are you mad, woman?" the sword holder said. Still working on it…

"That has been debated many times, and no good answer has been given. Some say yes, some say no, some say `Get me a restraining order!'" That has happened too. "What did I do?" I asked, as the blade was pressed into my skin harder. Almost got it…

"You invaded a very important mission - "

"Legolas!" another male voice called.

I GOT IT! HE'S LEGOLAS FROM THE LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIES!!! Woohoo! Go ME!!! I wonder if he's as hot in person…

"I've got a spy! One of Sauron's if I'm not mistaken," the elf yelled.

"And if you are? I'm not a spy; I'm a high school student! I'm only seventeen for Koala's sake!" I yelled. That over-grown knife was getting on my nerves a bit…

"Be silent, prisoner!" the sword-wielding elf said, anger very evident. I think I'm grating his nerves a bit. Tee hee.

"Daro, Legolas." A dude came into view.

"Hey! You're Aragorn!" I cried.

"And, your point is…?" Aragorn said.

"You're Aragorn. That's my point. Could you please make the psycho elf-boy let me GO?" I asked - wait, not - begged.

"Let her go, Legolas." The human gave the elf a meaningful look, and the elf ran towards more voices with a manic grin on his face.

"Um… why do I get a bad feeling about this?" I muttered, just as Legolas returned with rope. "That's why," I whispered. "Please don't tie it too tightly. I like having blood circulation in my hands." Yup, definitely God-like. His ears are SOOO sexy. "So, have you encountered any strange clouds lately?" Hey, a girl's gotta know what part in the story she's in.

"No…" the kingly king stated. It's fun making him uncomfortable.

"Oh, okay. Just checking. I saw one that was big, black, and made `caw'ing sounds about ten minutes ago. Looked like a bunch of birdies… Okay, that's it! No more sugar at breakfast!"

"You're mad," Legolas said.

"And we barely know each other," I said. "It gets better as time goes on, actually it can be rather amusing at times."

"I'm sure. Come on, you clumsy mortal girl! We must get to camp!" Legolas said, dragging me after him and Aragorn.

"Enter the insults, Elfy. That's real nice. Males!" I muttered.

"Why are elleths so stubborn? Females," I heard him mutter back.

"Don't go there, Elfy. I'm the Goddess of Under-the-Breath-Mutterings. I win no matter what," I told him.

"Gandalf, we have a prisoner. I believe she - it's a spy for either Sauron or Saruman. What shall we do?"

"Dude, if I were a spy, wouldn't I have weapons? Hey, don't you dare go through my backpack, you insolent - HEY! THAT'S PERSONAL! PUT THAT BACK, YOU EVIL ANAL DWELLING BUTT MONKEY! LEAVE THE SKETCHBOOK ALONE!" First, they'd taken out my purse and from there took out a - I'm blushing at the moment - tampon! I have reason to be so moody and angry. No guy is supposed to go through a girl's purse and take out - that while she's PMSing. And, they'd messed with my sketchbook, colored pencils, and now my portable CD player and CD collection. Next thing you know, they'll think a pencil is a deadly weapon I use to scoop eyeballs out with.

"Girl, do you use these to scoop eyeballs out with?" a fat hobbit - Sam asked, holding a freshly sharpened gypsyesque pencil. It's my favorite.

"No, it's to write. How thick are you men?" I directed that to Legolas. Boromir - backstabbing traitor - was teaching Merry and Pippin to sword fight. I was perched on a rock, my tether tied to a tree, watching the elf, wizard, and fat hobbit go through my personal effects. Frodo, Aragorn, and Gimli are watching the swordplay.

"Here comes the birdy cloud. ELF MAN! THE BIRDS ARE HERE!" I yelled.

He just glared.

"Dude, seriously! The Spy Birds ARE HERE! Like, RIGHT THERE!" He still glared. "And I thought I was a dumb blonde."

"Crebain!" Legolas cried.

"Hide!" Aragorn yelled.

Legolas pulled me under a bush with him, while the rest hid very well. "Aw, Leggy! I didn't know you cared," I uttered so softly he barely heard me.

Lots of talking and death threats toward me on Legolas' part later, we - Gandalf - decided on going over Caradhras. No one listened to me; even tough I warned them as best I could. I truly did, I didn't want to be covered in freaking snow and let Boromir see the Ring. Well, hiking here I come. Whoopdeedoo.

"Jackass," I muttered to the elf.

"Antolle ulua sulrim," (Much wind pours from your mouth) he said back, loudly.

"Auta miqula orqu," (Go kiss an orc) I replied just as loudly. Yay, now everyone could hear us!

"Amin feuya ten' lle," (You disgust me) was the ever-ready reply.

"Llie n'vanima ar' lle atara lanneina. (You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny)." SO not true… DON'T BELIEVE IT LEGOLAS!

"Amin delotha lle (I hate you)."

"Good, the feelings mutual," I said, reverting back to English.

He growled and stalked away to keep watch.

"You're a good lass, I like you," Gimli said.

"Thanks Gimli," I replied. "At least someone is nice around here!" The elf glowered at us when I said that.

I fell asleep not long after that.

That's chappie one. I lurve you guys. I'll be your best friend if you R&R!!!! (Flutters lashes)