Fan Fiction ❯ Poetry section ❯ Not Anymore ( Chapter 1 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Not Anymore
Empty inside
Scarred, and afraid
I tried so hard
And I still failed
I lost my brother
No, he lost me
I made him scared
Afraid I'll hurt him
The slightest hint of anger
He's run into his room
Hands up to protect his head
Hiding behind mother
Screamin and crying his apologies
Beggin for forgivness
Holding out money to bribe me even
Am I that horrible
Am I the core reason for all his anger
Have I been that bad to him
Been that terrible of a sister
Have I hurt him that badly
Is it guilt I feel everyday
Whenever I see a cheerful pair of siblings
Or is the feeling of longing
Wishing for the same bond to share with him
In this world filled with
A white light that is only lies
I only seem to make his life
More meaningless, without reason
Leading him to believe I don't care
Leading him to want to leave me
And go back to the one I once was
But am not anymore
The one who lifted him up,
high into the sky
Giving him wings he always wanted
Giving him the hope he needed to go on
Being the one he needed
That gave him what no parent could
Someone to look up to,
That was always there
Not at work, or watching tv,
Or caring for their children,
Or in entirely different state
But right there beside him,
Holding his hand and leading
Him through life...
The one who didn't yell when
He took her markers
Or yell when he cried
Over spilled milk
The one who didn't strike fear
and anger into his heart at sight
The one that isn't who I am now
"...Not Anymore..."
I would say whenever he left his sanctuarary
After a fight he cried so hard about
"...I'm not who I used to be..."
That was my apology... it still is
Not "I'm sorry" or "It's my fault"
Like you should say.
He flinches whenever I recite
Those words almost coldly
And mechanically
"...I want my sister.."
All he could say in return,
A distance away for his own safety
No one there to hear
Our conversation of strangers
Of siblings broken too far apart to mend
At night, my emotions let loose
Along with the stars the shine above our heads
In his room I would sit,
listening to him sleep
Mumbling, he'd dream of the past
"...I want to fly again..."
His hands open,
As if to feel an imaginary wind
Like wings to to soar into the sky with,
Like he wants to fly back in time
When we would go to each other,
Instead of away, avoiding the other's touch.
"...I wanna touch the sky..."
He would stretch, as if reaching to the sky
"...I want black wings...like a Hawk..."
I would rub his back, as if massaging his wings
"...Raise me up, sissy, away from here..."
I would hum a song we used to sing together
"...Show me how to fly again, sissy..."
Tears would sting my eyes,
He never calls me by that anymore, let alone more than once
"...Make me happy, lead me through life like you said..."
I would let loose the tears and stand up
I would not promise something I could not keep
"...I can't...Not anymore..."
I would whisper, leaving him to his dreams
Letting him thrive on a cherished memory
"Not anymore, little brother...Not anymore..."
A/N: written 4 hours after an encounter with my brother that left him afriad to come near me... i never even touched him... its really frightening.... he wouldn't even ahnd something to me, he would throw it... i hope it never happens again.... I don't know how it is I changed but I know I did... because he wants the old me... i dont know who the old me is anymore....
It isnt really a poem, but a short, strangely written story in 1st person.... buti= in poetry it goes