Fan Fiction ❯ The Best Chatshow in Middle-earth ❯ Chapter 2: In which Kurt Cobain Enters! ( Chapter 3 )

Vedui il'er! Its ME again!!! This is Chapter 3 of The Best Chat Show in Middle-earth.

Just to clear things up, in chapter 2, the review responses were responses to past reviews that I got before this fic was deleted. Oh, the letters were too. This chapter will have Kurt Cobain in it! Yes! The legendary genius! The WONDROUS!!!!!! KURT COBAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This chapter will also contain a DBZ-esque scene. Try to guess which one!

Now, onto the review responses for this chapter!

Review Responses!

Chosen One: Thank you for your review! I WILL Update!

Laura: Wow! That was a nice short and sweet review! I try to keep all the characters in character, and some out. Eg: Arwen. I've always read about her being a Little Madam Daddy's Girl, so that's how she's portrayed!

Erin Wood: WOW! The Great Erin Wood reviewed my fic!!! Your thanks is welcomed! And I WILL read the sequel! Hopefully, Niori and Legolas will get together soon, ne? Niori reminds me of ME!!! *hears X-Files music* What if she IS me in a parallel universe!!!

Hobbit-eyes: You will make a cameo appearance in an upcoming chapter, I promise! Just not this one because when I received your review, I already had so much typed! Chapter 4 will probably be your cameo!

Imprisoned in Cork: Yes, you can ask ANYONE! But it has to be from LotR. Bookverse, Movieverse, its your choice! (Included in Chapter)

Syotee: Yeah! Thank you for complimenting! I like good reviews!! They are good!

Catt: THANK YOU!!! I'll keep an eye out for it!!! I'll review it!!

Anakin McFly: I was inspired by that fic!! That fic is brilliant. A/47 is a BRILL author. This is NOT the same though! It's got DARES in it! Yup! A/47 didn't put DARES in The FOTR Fan Mail Hour!!! Thank you for reviewing! Your questions will be included in this chapter!!!

Leggy: Hello to you too. I can't believe you asked Frodo to do that!!! (Questions will be included in fic!)

BloodyVixen: Yes AGAIN! This fic was deleted because it was deemed interactive. Well. For some reason, MY interactive fics keep getting deleted, and no one else's do!! UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!! *continues ranting and raving until Sauron's Eye comes out of nowhere and gives me evils*

Daphnedescends: LOL!!!!!! Ya know he does do the Chicken Dance right at the beginning of FOTR!! At the party!! Meh! (Dare will be included in Fic)

Onto the FIC!!!!!!!!! *points patriotically*

Loud Boomy Voice: Ladies, Gentlemen, Blobs and Random Fangirls who have promised to be good, please give it up for your host, Elróthiel!

<Bad Religion Music plays as Elróthiel walks on set>

Elróthiel: Wazzup peeps!!! Today! We have stuff for Frodo! Aragorn! Legolas! Gimli! Arwen! Eowyn! Gollum! Merry! Pippin! Sam! Radagast the Brown! And Gandalf Oh yeah, and Saruman!!! Let's all give them a round of applause Ladies and Gentlemen!!!

Blobs and Random Fangirls: HEY! WHAT ABOUT US!!!???

Elróthiel: OK, you give a round of applause too! *sweatdrops*

Characters: *walk out and sit in the infamous InflataChairs* <Offspring is playing in the background>

Audience: ALRIGHT!!!! YEAH!!!!! *cheer and whoop*

Random Fangirls who have promised to be good: *sigh and get anime hearts in their eyes when they see their Lust Objects*

Lust Objects (mainly Legolas, Aragorn and Frodo): *look around in a scared way*

Elróthiel: Hmmm. No, its too much of a responsibility for me. *into walkie talkie* Steve, the fangirls. They need to be got rid of NOW! The characters are going to be hugged to death sooner or later! Get out here and bring the cattle prod! Bring back up if you need it!!!

Steve: *walks out with a whole bunch of security guards* GET 'EM MEN!!!!

Back-up Security Guards: *shout and run toward the fangirls, brandishing cattle prods* DIE YOU FIENDS!!!!!

Elróthiel: ………………….oh my.

Fangirls who can't be trusted: *try to fight back against the cattle prods, but the electricality is too strong* *fall over*

Elróthiel: Vunderbar!!! Lets give it up for the CATTLE PRODS!!!!!!!

Audience: *stare blankly*

Elróthiel: *whispers to Audience* This is the part where you cheer for the Cattle Prods!

Audience: OH! YAY!! GO CATTLE PRODS!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Quiet now everyone! LETS GET TO THE FIRST LETTER!!!!!!!!

Audience: YAY!!!!

Elróthiel: Its from Anakin McFly! Here's what it says!

OK, questions...
Frodo and fellow hobbitses: Go rebond your hair!
Aragorn: Go wash your hair. And bathe.

Legolas: Go teach Aragorn to wash his hair.
Gimli: SHAVE BALD! =D
Arwen and Eowyn: SHAVE BALD TOO! =D
Saruman: SHAVE B... *receives evil glare* Um... ok... Are you gay? *receives another evil glare* No, wait, that's Gandalf...nevermind...
Gollum: Go improve your English.
Gandalf: Are you gay?

~ Anakin McFly of Rivendell ~

Elróthiel: *is laughing her butt off* Frodo, you go first!

Frodo: Rebond my hair? Do you mean rebind it? And by that do you mean that I should tie it up? Because if you do mean that, then I think you are quite insane!

Pippin: Hey, she probably just means that we should cut it.

Merry: No way am I cutting my hair!

Sam: I think I could do with a haircut! I should probably dye it pink!

Frodo: *stares at Sam, scared*

Sam: What? I thought you would like it, Mr Frodo! Pink IS your favourite color!

Frodo: Ssh Sam!!!

Pippin: Pink, Frodo??? PINK!??

Merry: *shakes his head in a disapproving fashion*

Pippin: We thought you'd know better than that Frodo!

Elróthiel: *is silently shaking with laughter in her recliner*

Frodo: Well, I don't care what you think!!!! Pink is a lovely color! It's the color of flowers and skin!!

Elróthiel: *stops laughing* SKIN????!!!??

Frodo: Yes! Look at the skin on your hand! Its pink, isn't it?

Elróthiel: Umm, actually no. The skin on my hand is white, or just VERY light peach.

Frodo: Well your shoes! They're pink!

Elróthiel: No, they're orange. Frodo, I think you have an eye problem.

Sauron: *floats on set wearing the One Lensed Glasses* Well then Ringbearer, I think you need to come with me to my Opticians! They sell One Lensed Glasses!

Frodo: But I have TWO eyes!!! Also, I have NORMAL sized eyes! I am not a huge FLAMING EYEBALL!!!!!

Elróthiel: Wow. I think he's stressed.

Pippin: And that's no jest!!

Elróthiel: OK, I think we should get on with the questions now. Pippin, take Frodo to the Sanatorium so he can get his eyes checked.

Pippin: Alright!

Elróthiel: OY! Flea Man! Your turn!

Aragorn: *is making friends with the flies that are buzzing around his head* What?

Elróthiel: Its your turn!!!

Aragorn: OH! What does that word mean? Wash? I've never heard it before in my life! Except for that one time when Arwen was shouting at me to wash my hair. I didn't know what it was then, so I didn't do whatever it means, and I don't know now. You speak in a strange language Anakin. For lo! There is another word! Bathe! What does THAT mean???

Arwen: *is shaking in fury* YOU DIDN'T DO WHAT I ASKED YOU TO DO!!??!!!?? HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME!!! I AM PRINCESS OF RIVENDELL AND YOU DIDN'T OBEY ME!!!!!????????

Aragorn: Errrrr……………Arwen, I'm really sorry!

Arwen: THAT'S IT!!! YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT MISTER!!!!!!

Aragorn: ARWEEEN!! *whines* You're being so unFAAAAAAAAIIR!!!!

Arwen: Don't whine! You should have washed!!!!

Aragorn: YEA BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *is still whining*

Arwen: DAAAAAAADDY!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S STILL WHINING AND I TOLD HIM NOT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elrond: *wearing roller blades* *glides on set holding the infamous two by four* Aragorn! What did I tell you about being nice to Arwen! *whackwhack*

Aragorn: *holds head in pain* But Mr Elrond Sir! She's making me sleep on the couch!!!!!!!

Elrond: Well WASH!!!!

Aragorn: BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wails*

Elrond: *picks up Aragorn by the scruff of the neck, and holds him at arm's length* Peeyoo!! You stink!!! Get in there young Man! And DON'T come out until you have a bath!!!! AND A HAIRWASH!!!!!!!! *throws Aragorn in a bathroom cubicle that appeared on set*

Aragorn: *banging on the door* BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!! *bangbang* OPEN THIS DOOR!!!!!!! *kickkick* I AM THE FUTURE KING OF GONDOR!! YOU CAN'T LOCK ME IN HERE!!!!!!!! *kickbangkick*

Elrond: I think you'll find I just did, and you may be the future King of Gondor, but I am an Elf! And as an Elf, I demand you stay in there until you decide to clean yourself!!!

Aragorn: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WON'T!!!!!!!! I WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Oh for Ilúvatar's SAKE!!!!!! Aragorn! Just get in the fricken bathtub!!! Turn on the TAP! And then USE THE SOAP!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: *from inside bathroom cubicle* WHERE ARE THESE ITEMS!!!!!!!! WHAT IS SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!!!???????

Elróthiel: *fighting to stay calm* Aragorn. The bath is the large tub. It is probably white, and it has taps at one end. The soap is a small rectangular bar. The shampoo is in a bottle, it will have a name on the side of it, and I think its Herbal Essences. You put it on your hair, and make it go all over your hair. Hell! This is too difficult! I CAN'T EXPLAIN ANY LONGER!!!!!!!! Legolas! You're good at this! And it even SAYS in the letter that you should teach Aragorn Stinky Git to wash his hair!

Legolas: *pales* I'll try. But I doubt he'll be able to understand me, since the grime and grease in his hair *shudders* seems to have got to his brain, rendering him unable to know anything at all about cleanliness!

Loud Ominous Music: Dun Dun DUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: You can do it! I believe in you!! There will be a way! <Bad Religion's "There Will Be a Way" starts playing in the background>

Legolas: Aragorn! *calling from OUTSIDE the bathroom cubicle* The first thing you must do is turn the taps at the end of the tub! Turn the one with a "C" on it only a little bit, and then turn the one with an "H" on it until you can't turn it any more!

Aragorn Stinky Git: What are taps?

Legolas: The taps are the metal objects at the top of one end of the tub. Do you see them?

Aragorn: Oh yes! Those strange curved metal things. Reminds me of my scimitar Celeborn gave to me.

Legolas: Yes. Now, do what I said before with the "C" and the "H"

Aragorn: I'll give it a shot.

Noise of water hitting the inside of the tub is heard coming from the inside of the bathroom.

Legolas: Did you remember to put the plug in?

Aragorn: What's that?

Legolas: The plug is the object that you put in the hole at the bottom of one end of the tub. Do you see the hole?

Aragorn: No…oh wait, there it is!

Legolas: Now, do you see the plug?

Aragorn: Yes. Here it is! *chucks plug over the top of the bathroom wall*

Legolas: Aragorn you imbecile! You need that! *chucks back plug*

Aragorn: Oh.

Legolas: Now *is getting exasperated* put the plug in the hole!

Aragorn: *manages to do this without any mishaps*

Legolas: Now, wait until the water is almost at the top, and then get in.

Aragorn: OK!

<Half an Hour Later>

Elróthiel: ARAGORN!!! Has the bath run yet???

Aragorn: If by that do you mean has all the water got to the top yet? Then yes.

Elróthiel: Then what are you waiting for numbnuts!? Get in the damn thing!

Splashing noises are heard.

Legolas: Are you in the tub yet?

Aragorn: Yes. Now what? A lot of brown stuff seems to have just appeared out of nowhere! Where has it all come from???

Legolas: Aragorn! That's dirt! And its come off YOU!

Elróthiel: EWW!!! That is disgusting! GROSS!!! USE THE SOAP!!!!!!

Legolas: YES! USE THE SOAP!!! Before its too late!!

Aragorn: What's Soap?

Legolas: The rectangular bar which is probably a pastel color if I know my soaps correctly!

Aragorn: Oh yes! What do I do with it?

Elróthiel: SCRUB!!! SCRUB!!!! Put it on the sponge, and SCRUB LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SCRUBBED BEFORE!!!!!

Aragorn: Scrub? Is this one of your made up words? I have never heard it before in my life. A lot like Soap Bath Clean Shower Shampoo Bathe Wash and Cleanliness. YOU MAKE UP WORDS NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD BEFORE!!!

Elróthiel: Aragorn. These are REAL WORDS!!! Ask anyone in the Audience, and they will know. Except maybe that guy. *points to a Man covered in mud and wearing a loincloth*

Aragorn: I don't believe you!

Elróthiel: Oh shut up and get on with it. We have to move on! Gimli! Arwen! Eowyn! You heard the letter! SHAVE BALD!!! *chants over and over again* SHAVE BALD SHAVE BALD!!

Audience: *gets riled up and chants along too* SHAVE BALD SHAVE BALD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arwen: NO! I WON'T!!! I LOVE MY HAIR!!!!!!

Eowyn: I don't think I will thank you very much! My hair keeps some of my femininity. Everything else about me is sort of masculine, and I'd like to keep some femininity! Gimli can shave bald, seeing as he's an ugly little Dwarf!

Arwen: Yes! Finally! Something we agree on!

Gimli: OY! I'm quite a looker for a Dwarf!

Arwen: I don't think so. Sorry Gimli, but no.

Gimli: Grrrrrrrrrrr. Bah! Think what you like!

Eowyn: Fine! We will! Ugly Dwarf!!

Elróthiel: Gimli! Here are the clippers! Shave ALL the hair off your face and head!!! *hands over a pair of horse clippers*

Gimli: I'll shave my head, but there is no way I'm cutting off my beard!! A Dwarf's beard is his most prized possession!!

Eowyn: *looking scared* Elróthiel? We don't have to shave OUR heads do we? *indicating herself and Arwen*

Elróthiel: Well, YOU don't, but Arwen does!

Arwen: WHAT??! That is hardly fair! The letter said BOTH of us should do it!

Elróthiel: I don't care! Arwen! Hair Off Now!

Arwen: NO!!! DADDYYYYY!!!!!!!! ELRÓTHIEL'S BEING MEAN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elrond: *glides on with his rollerblades* Arwen! She is only asking you to cut your hair off! You are an Elf! Have you forgotten that Elves can grow their hair back in a single day!?

Arwen: Oh yes! Aha! Gimli!! Hand me the clippers!!!!!

Gimli: *looking relieved, does so*

Arwen: *shaves her hair off*

Elrond: *pondering* Hmmm, or is that a single year???

Arwen: DADDY!!!!! MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT!?!!!!!??? I'M GOING TO BE BALD FOR THE BEST PART OF A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wails*

Elrond: I'm sorry Pumpkin. Maybe we could ask your Grandmother to re-grow it. I hear she's got a new business selling Miracle-Hair-Gro. Ever since Lord Celeborn cut her hair, thinking it was in fashion she's been paranoid it may happen to someone else.

Arwen: Thank Ilúvatar for Lord Celeborn!! If he hadn't done that, I could have gone for a year with no hair!

Elróthiel: Sorry to break up the Family Meeting, you two, but I think it's time for Gimli to shave HIS head!!

Gimli: But! But! I do NOT WISH TO BE BALD!! My hair is a nice cushion for my helmet! If my hair was gone, my helmet would be quite painful to wear!

Elróthiel: Tough! Your beard too!

Gimli: *classic movie NOOOOOO pose* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: ENOUGH WITH THE NO-ING!!!!! YOU DID THAT ENOUGH IN MORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: But I LOVE MY HAIR AND MY BEARD!!!

Elróthiel: DO IT!!!!! SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Audience: SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: UGH! FINE!!!!!!!!! I will shave, if only for a little peace!

Elróthiel: Riight! Peace! Yes. *shifty eyes*

Gimli: Yes! If I do this then I will have PEACE!!!!!!!! *shaves all the hair off*

Elróthiel: *stares* Oh jeez! YOU LOOK LIKE PROFESSOR X!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: *is getting tears in eyes* My………..beautiful beard! I HAVE FAILED THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight! SARUMAN!!!!!!!!! Answer! I'm sure the Audience would like to know the answer so that they can poke fun at you!

Saruman: I AM NOT!!!!!! How dare you! Puny Mortal! You have no IDEA what I could do to you!!!

Elróthiel: Yes. He doesn't! And I don't think he wants to know!!!!!!

Saruman: Quiet you. I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SARUMAN THE WHITE!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Oh for Ilúvatar's SAKE!! Will you just give it a rest!!! Are you or aren't you gay!?

Saruman: No!

Elróthiel: I think we need a lie detector test! POLYGRAPH STEVE!!!!

Polygraph Steve: *walks on stage, grabs Saruman, and walks off stage again, dragging the disgraced Istari behind him*

Saruman: UNHAND ME FOOLISH MORTAL!!!!!!!!! I am SO much MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU'LL EVER IMAGINE!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: SHUT UP!!!!!! Jeez! You sound like Cell from DBZ! I mean REALLY!!!

Saruman: Well, its true!

Elróthiel: What? That you're gay?

Saruman: NO! That I am more powerful than you'll ever be!

Legolas: *is holding back laughter*

Polygraph Steve: Come on Saruman *grunts* You gotta get this lie test thingy done! *snorts*

Saruman: *gives up* Fine! But you'll all see! I'm NOT GAY!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Sure! Whatever! NEXT PERSON ANSWER THEIR QUESTION!!!!!!!!

Gollum: Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! Sssssssssssssmeagol wills improvessssssssssss our Englissssssssssssh! NO! I won't!!!!!! EVIL LETTER WRITERS trickssssssssing poor Ssssssssssmeagol!! Yesssssssss! Ssssssssssssmeagol WILLS improvesssssssssss our Englissssssssssssh!!!! NO NO!!!!!!! Yessssss!!! NO!! Yessssssss!

Elróthiel: Ummm…………Gollum? Can you just go over to that guy over there, and he'll teach you how to speak properly. *points to an English teacher in the Audience*

Gollum: Nassssssssty teacherses!!!!!!!!!!! They jusssssssssssst wantssssss the preciousssssssssssssssssss they do!!! Well we won't let them takes it from usss! Yesssssss!!!!!! We will go and learnssssss Englissssssssh!!! Go AWAY!!! We isssss Ssssssssmeeeagol! Nots Gollums!! Nots Gollums!!! Learnings is goods!!!

English Teacher (who I will randomly call Mr. Jass. His first name is Hugh.): Sméagol! Come over here, and I will help you grasp the knowledge of the language of English, and force out the speech impediment that seems to have you in its grip!!!

Gollum: Oksssssssss! *goes over to Mr Jass*

Mr Jass: Alright. Now, the first thing you must learn, is the common knowledge of tenses and plurals, which you seem to mix up quite a lot. *continues talking to Gollum as they walk off set*

Elróthiel: NAMARIÉ!!!!!!!!!! OK. Gandalf! Go backstage where Polygraph Steve is testing Saruman. Wait outside the little room, and when Saruman comes out. You go in. Capish?

Gandalf: I'll go backstage, but I'm afraid I have no idea what "capish" means.

Elróthiel: *sighs, seeing as Frodo did this last chapter and it's getting old* Do you understand!?

Gandalf: Everything you said before the strange word at the end. What was it? Cateetch?

Elróthiel: Its CAPISH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh forget it! Just get backstage Father Time, before I get angry!!!

Gandalf: *gets backstage, not bothering to ask what she meant when she called him Father Time*

Elróthiel: Phew! Now! Let's see how our stinky friend, the future King of Gondor is doing!

Legolas: Knowing how dirty he was before, he's probably only half done!

Elróthiel: *laughs madly* That is SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARAGORN!!!!!!!! ARE YOU DONE YET!!!!!!???

Aragorn: YES!!!!!! NOW LET ME OT OF HERE IN THE NAME OF MYSELF!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: ………………………&he llip;.oh dear. FINE!! Elrond! Let him out. Here is The Key to The Cubicle.

Elrond: *glides over on the rollerblades, and takes The Key to The Cubicle* *glides over to The Door and unlocks it*

Aragorn: *opens the door and walks out*

Audience: *gasp* OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: His actual skin color is WHITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????? And his actual hair color is BLOND!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????

Aragorn: Yes! Its true! My hair is blond and my skin is white! But when I was a child, I was bullied about it, and called Maideny Man. So I never washed again!

Elróthiel: Ya know, you could be compared to Kurt Cobain now you're blond! No, actually, you don't look ANYTHING like him! He was more attractive! Let's make a comparison, shall we? *into walkie talkie* Steve, send him in. Yes. Mandos let him come back! No! Not until he dies again! Yes! He is the lead singer of Nirvana! I KNOW!!!!!! FOR ILÚVATAR'S SAKE LET HIM IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kurt Cobain: *walks on stage* What am I doing here?

Elróthiel: *nearly faints* Oh my Ilúvatar! Kurt COBAIN is here on MY SHOW!!!!!!! Oh wow!

Kurt: I'm on a show? That's cool! Just yesterday I was bugging Mandos to let me come back! I think he got annoyed with me, so he let me come back!

Elróthiel: Yea! Now. Please stand next to the Man over there who is a wannabe you.

Kurt: *stands next to Aragorn*

Elróthiel: SEE!!!!!! They look NOTHING like each other!!! Oh, and ONLY YOU, Kurt, can get away with the floppy blond hair! Your wannabe can't! He SAYS he just used to get bullied for having white skin and blond hair, so he never washed again. UNTIL TODAY!!!!!

Kurt: *looks slightly freaked out* Uh huh? He just looks like that guy, the one in the movie. The one I had to get Mandos to watch over and over. Lord of the Rings! Yea, that's it!

Elróthiel: Aragorn?

Aragorn: What?

Kurt: Yeah! That's it! The weird guy who didn't want to be King for some reason. I mean, if I got the chance to be King, I would in a second!

Aragorn: Did you call me weird?

Kurt: I mean, yeah! It'd be great! I could make more people able to do what they wanna do in life, and not have to get some stupid piece of paper that has a bunch of letters on it to prove to their potential bosses that they can do what they say they can do. I mean, if you couldn't do something in the job, why would you apply?

Elróthiel: *suddenly gets a look of enlightenment* Dude! That is SO right! I never thought about it like that! Wow! That is DEEP! Just like your songs!

Aragorn: Did he call me weird?

Legolas: *gets up off his InflataChair, and walks over to where Elróthiel, Kurt, and Aragorn are standing* Sir! I do believe I have heard your music before!

Kurt: That's nice! Now, what was I say………..You're the Elf-Dude! The cool one! The one with the bow!

Legolas: Yes. I do have a bow, but so do many other Elves. Are you certain you mean me? You could be speaking about any number of Elves.

Kurt: No, man, I mean you! You're the one who went with the group, to kill the Ring. The one who got a new bow in the forest place………….Loth-something. Lothlorien! And the Elf-chick gave it to you, what was her name? Gladys? Gillian? Geraldine? Galadie?

Legolas: Galadriel.

Kurt: Yeah man! So, you say you've heard my songs. Which ones?

Legolas: I know not what their names are. But their words are bone-deep! The one with all the "Hello's" is my favorite.

Kurt: Smells Like Teen Spirit? That was Nirvana's first one.

Legolas: Nirvana is the music that is sometimes played at the beginning of each show. When Elróthiel walks in.

Kurt: Duude! I'm glad my music is still loved and played!

Elróthiel: Are you kidding! The whole WORLD LOVES your music! Ya know, I'm gonna make you a special guest member on today's show! You can sit in my WORLD FAMOUS INFLATACHAIRS!!! NEHAWAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Kurt: *blinkblink* Ok then. *goes and sits in a shiny black InflataChair* They're comfy!

Elróthiel: Glad ya like 'em! Legolas, go sit back in your InflataChair. Aragorn. Go sit in yours.

Legolas + Aragorn: *go and sit in their InflataChairs*

Elróthiel: Our next letter is from Leggy! This is what the Letter says!

Hello Ma dear I propose to Frodo you run around with a skirt on kissing the Audience and shouting 'Elróthiel is fit' all good on you part lol!

Elróthiel: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. FRODO!!!!!!! YOU ARE NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frodo: *comes back from the Sanatorium wearing corrective glasses* Yes?

Elróthiel: Letter.

Frodo: Oh! *blushes* Must I?

Elróthiel: Unfortunately, yes. Its in the rulebook! All letters must be obeyed! Unless! The Power says otherwise!

Frodo: *sigh* Alright! I'll do it. But I do not wish to be left in Mordor to die after I do!

Elróthiel: Oh shut up and do it! Its painful enough for me! Get it over and done with!

Frodo: Alright! *puts on a red cheerleader skirt* *runs to the Audience with lips puckered up*

Frodo Fangirls: *hurl themselves in the general direction of Frodo's mouth*

Frodo: *kisses some Audience members* *blushes* …..E…Elróthiel is fit…….. *mimblewimble*

Elróthiel: *sings* What? I can't heeeeeeeeear youuu!!!!!

Frodo: *growls and blushes* Fine! ELRÓTHIEL IS FIT!!!!!!!!! ELRÓTHIEL IS FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Much better! You can stop now! I don't think I can take the pain any longer! *in mind* I wish Legolas was doing that. Just not in a skirt!

Kurt: Dude! That was weird!

Legolas: *is glaring at Frodo*

Elróthiel: Bring on the next letter!!! Its from Daphnedescends!!!!

Let's see Frodo do Elmo's chicken dance!

Elróthiel: Oh Ilúvatar this is gonna be hilarious!!!!!! Mehmehmehmehmeh!!! (AN: Think Ace Ventura with the Mehmehs!) FRODO!!!

Frodo: *pained expression* *still wearing cheerleader skirt* Ohhhhh!

Elróthiel: Frodo. You can take the skirt off now. Now! Dance Hobbit! Dance!!! Nehawahaaaaa!!!!

Frodo: *does Elmo's Chicken Dance half-heartedly*

Elróthiel: Oh COME ON!!!!!!! With FEELING!!!!!!!!!

Frodo: *does Elmo's Chicken Dance wholeheartedly but not*

Elróthiel: OK! That's good!!!

Frodo: Hey! This is fun! *does his own Happy Frodo Chicken Dance*

(AN: The one at Bilbo's Party)

Frodo: Bok Bok!!!! *is pretending to be a chicken*

Elróthiel: STOP!!!!!!! FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!! STEVE!!!!!!! STOP THE CHICKEN HOBBIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: *runs on set with a fire extinguisher* *fires it at Frodo*

Frodo: *covered in foam* *stops*

Elróthiel: Lets all give it up for STEVE the SECURITY GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Audience: YAY STEVE!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Let's see! *reads Syotee's letter* Hoo boy! *sighs* I'm gonna regret this. I'm sorry Legolas! I'm really sorry! *holds breath* *lets out breath* *into walkie talkie* Steve. I'm going to ask you to do something I'll NEVER ask again. Let the fangirls out of the cage. But only let them out for FIVE minutes! Got it! ONLY FIVE!!!!!!!! I am not having my poor Elf molested by fangirl hands! THAT PRIVILEGE IS RESERVED FOR ME!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: *lets out fangirls*

Fangirl Ringleader: LOOK!!!!!! ITS LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: *gets the look that DBZ characters get (mainly Goku) when they are shocked. AKA Pupils shrink, and eyes get large, but eyebrows are still down*

Fangirls: *rush toward Legolas*

Legolas: *stands there in shock and fear*

Fangirls: *swarm around Legolas, covering his face in lipstick marks, and trying to take off his pants*

Elróthiel: *shuts eyes* I can't watch this!

Fangirls: *carry on doing what they are doing*

Random Fangirl: LET'S GIVE HIM A MAKEOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT JUST GONNA STAND HERE ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fangirls: *turn and look in surprise*

Elróthiel: *pupils have disappeared* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *turns Super Saiya-jin for some reason*

Fangirls: *get slightly scared but carry on molesting poor Legolas*

Elróthiel: *appears in the midst of the Fangirls* *punchpunch*

Some Fangirls: *fall over*

Elróthiel: *carries on punching until all the Fangirls are on the floor* Phew! At last! No more fangirls!!!

Legolas: What in the name of Elbereth is going on!?

Elróthiel: I turned Super Saiya-jin and saved your ass from those creatures! *gets `thoughts` and turns back to normal insane she-Elf with a tail*

Legolas: You have a tail??? You didn't before!

Elróthiel: Oh that! Well, the fact is, the author decided to make me half-Elf, and half Saiya-jin for some reason. That reason is a reason that I shall NEVER find out because it is REALLY weird. I don't understand how the minds of authors work!

Legolas: What is a Saiya-jin? I have never heard of that race before!

Elróthiel: A Saiya-jin looks like a human in almost all ways, 'cept they have tails, and on the full moon, they turn into Oozaru. Think big monkey on a rampage. Destroying everything in its path.

Legolas: That is terrible!

Elróthiel: Yeah, but that's the bad part! The good part is that they're a warrior race, and they can do that thing I just did, but only if they get strong enough, and they can do awesome stuff like this! *shoots Random Fangirl with a ki-blast*

Legolas: *just stares with eyebrows merged with his hair*

Frodo: Can you please stop ignoring us!

Elróthiel: OK! NEXT LETTER!!!!!!!! Its from Imprisoned in Cork! Here's what it says!

Good, good chapter. You want questions? sure...we can ask ANYONE right?
(For Legolas): Hi! Your fit, very fit. Can you pretty please do that cool pose with the bow thing? and you are kinda old and all but your hair is still ooh so shinny, do you use hair dye?

(For Pippin):Can you come and live in my school locker, it's just your size and with lots of mushrooms? Or if you can't can I at least have a hug?

(For Radagast): Your my favourite character *blushes* Can you rap?

(For Frodo): Are you evil? Your eyes look evil, they scare me...

(For Aragorn): You need these more then I do...*Hands over a hair brush and shampoo, shakes head and walks off.*

Yes I have had a dangerous large amount of sugar if your wondering.
ImpC

Elróthiel: Legolas! Answer the questions directed in your general direction!!!

Legolas: Well, I am an Elf, and I have been training for 2,931 years! Bow thing!!!?? Alright, but please don't call it a "thing." It was a bow when it was made, it's a bow now, and it will always be a bow. *stands up and does the ever so sexy pose*

Fangirls in Audience (I swear! These things are like roaches! No matter how many times you kill them, they always come back!!!): *sigh, and attempt to get onto the set*

Elróthiel: STEVE!!!!!

Steve: *comes out with a flamethrower and points it at the fangirls* Stay back, spawns of Satan!! *insert awesome movie scene with blood, meaning, and red tinted scenery*

Fangirls: *stay back, scared of Steve's flamethrower*

Slightly More Determined Fangirl: *attempts to sneak past Steve*

Steve: *shoots SMDF*

SMDF: *dies*

Other Fangirls: *run away screaming*

Steve: *shoots them anyway*

Elróthiel: Nehawahaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Kill them! KILL THEM ALL!!!!!!!!! SPARE NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Characters: *stare at Elróthiel with looks of fear*

Elróthiel: Legolas, you can answer the questions now. Sit down.

Legolas: *sits back in the InflataChair* Yes, my hair is very shiny, and I most certainly do NOT use hair dye!!! No Elf would dye their hair!

Elróthiel: *shifty eyes* (Her hair is dark brown, with the ends dipped in red) Pippin!!!

Pippin: Yes?

Elróthiel: Answer the question!

Pippin: What question?

Elróthiel: The question in the letter.

Pippin: OOOH! That question! I will go where there are mushrooms! They are the greatest thing to EVER be invented, but I can't come and live in your school locker. Whatever that is. Because I want to live in a Hobbit-hole! Not a School-locker! What is a School anyway? What do they eat?

Elróthiel: *mimblewimble* (Translation: Oh you imbecile!)

Pippin: But I think I can hug you from here! See! Look! *hugs letter*

Elróthiel: Mr. The Brown! Its your turn to answer the questions!!!

Radagast: *is sleeping*

Elróthiel: WAKE UP RADAGAST!!!!!!!!!!!

Radagast: Who? What? Where? Aaaaaaaargh! Who are you!!!??? What am I doing here?

Elróthiel: Radagast. You've been here for TWO HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now stop being a senile old crony, and ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION BEFORE I GET REALLY MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radagast: *shrinks back in his InflataChair, making it roll backwards* Woaaoaaaaaaah!!!! (AN: That is really the noise that people make when that happens!) Oof! *gets up* Alright! I'm glad I'm a favorite character! What's a rap??

Elróthiel: *puts on Eminem* Listen, Mr. The Brown!

Radagast: Oh. In answer to your question, no. I can't rap. But I can do this!!! *starts breakdancing* Its my talent!!!

Gandalf: Radagast! I cannot believe you! I taught you how to do that, and on a side note, I'm STILL better than you.

Radagast: SHUT UP!!!!! *does the Windmill Leg thing, aka, spinning around on his head with his legs in the air*

Gandalf: *mutters* Show off.

Elróthiel: NEXT!!!!!! Frodo!!!

Frodo: NO!!! I am not evil! I went through a LOT to get RID of a piece of evil! I destroyed an EVIL DARK LORD!!!

Elróthiel: Yeah, but you might have been trying to be a Dark Lord by getting rid of the present one, and then TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

Frodo: I would NEVER!

Elróthiel: Methinks you would!!!!!!! You made the Fellowship go through dark, dank, dingy Moria where Gandalf DIED! Fighting EVIL!!!!!! You didn't do anything except stand on that bridge and shout, probably pretending to be upset! YOU ARE EVIL!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frodo: I'm NOT EVIL!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: But your eyes! They are IMPOSSIBLY blue. NO ONE! Except maybe an Elf could have eyes like that! And we ALL know that you are a HOBBIT Frodo! A HOBBIT!!!!!

Frodo: ALRIGHT!!!!! I admit it! My eyes aren't real. They are fake. I made Gandalf make them bluer when I was a small hobbit because I wanted to be famous. I wanted to win the Bluest Eyes of the Shire award! And I've won it! EVERY YEAR since I made Gandalf change them! They are actually brown.

Elróthiel:…………&hell ip;.wow. Now THAT I was not expecting. OK, so you aren't evil. NEXT PERSON!

Aragorn: I WASHED!!!!!!! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!??????! I WASHED!!!!!!!!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

Elróthiel: Maybe for you to STAY like that!

Aragorn: But I liked my old black hair! And my facial hair!! And the fleas! They were my only friends! Except for Arwen. She was my friend too.

Arwen: And I should THINK SO TOO!!!!!!

Aragorn: So the thing is. I WANT MY OLD LOOK BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kurt: So, you don't like looking like me, man? What's wrong with that huh? I can't believe I thought you were cool. You're nothing more than a grimy wannabe.

Elróthiel: Woah man! You got dissed by KURT COBAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Now you KNOW that's true!!! What he says goes!

Aragorn: FINE!!!!!!! *takes the hairbrush and shampoo, but not intending to use them*

Elróthiel: You'd better use those, or I'll enter you in an ice-skating competition when I know full well you can't skate!! Oh, and then, when you lose the competition, I'll laugh!!! NEHAWAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Fine. *grumblewumble*

Elróthiel: *thinking* Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………………& hellip;….suuuuuggggaaaarrrrr. Sugar is good. Make me hyper. Hyper good. Hyper funny. Need sugar. Also coffee. Legolas Coffee. Lembas. Yum. Three best things life, in descending order, best first: Legolas, Lembas, Coffee. Why me ask for coffee all time instead lembas? Me ask for lembas next time.

Legolas: Hello? *waves hand in front of Elróthiel's eyes* *nothing happens*

Pippin: Nothing's happening!

Legolas: I realize that. Elróthiel!!! Wake up! Can you here me? How many fingers am I holding up? *holds up 4 fingers*

Elróthiel: Lembas.

Legolas: I think we need some lembas. She might wake up and begin to be her insane self all over again.

<Lembas falls on table>

Legolas: *picks it up and waves it in front of Elróthiel's face*

Elróthiel: Legolas.

Gandalf: Maybe this will work! *whacks Elróthiel over the head with The Almighty Staff of Doom*

Elróthiel: *still catatonic*

Legolas: Fool of a Gandalf! *hits the Wizard with his Bow of Amazing Damage Ability*

Gandalf: *runs whining back to his InflataChair* (AN: Sorry for the OOCness, but I thought it was funny!)

Elróthiel: Legolas Lembas Coffee.

Legolas: What?

Kurt: I think she's sleeptalking. Dude that is so cool! Maybe she thinks that's your last name!

Legolas: Elróthiel. My last name is Greenleaf! It is NOT Lembas Coffee!

Elróthiel: Legolas Greenleaf.

Legolas: At least we figured that out!

Kurt: You're messing with her mind! You say something weird, she repeats it!

Elróthiel: Legolas Repeats It

Legolas: Then why does she keep saying my name first?

Merry: I think she likes you!

Pippin: Oh yes! Hey! Look! There's a bag of something over there! Lets go see what it is!

Merry: Yes! Wait! Why is there paper in there?

Pippin: I don't know! I'm going to find out!

Elróthiel: DON'T YOU GO NEAR THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: *jumping back holding his ears in surprise and pain* You're back!

Elróthiel: Where did I go?

Legolas: It was like your body was here, but your mind was not, and you just kept saying my name over and over!

Elróthiel: What did you hear???

Legolas: I just told you.

Elróthiel: Oh. That's OK then! PIPPIN NO!!! THAT'S MY BAG OF STUFF!!!! *runs after Pippin in a cliché running NOOOOOO scene*

Pippin: *is about to pick up the bag* *is knocked over by Elróthiel tripping over into him* Oof!!!

Elróthiel: Sorry Pip, it had to be done! That bag, is MY BAG!!!!!! You must NEVER touch it! EVER! Because the things in there make me create wonderful things which you must NEVER create because it is MY bag! NO TOUCHIES!!!!!!

Kurt: Hey, Elróthiel! Can we get to the next letter? I really wanna see what these dudes have to do next!

Elróthiel: OK dude! NEXT LETTER!!!!!!! (AN: Imagine Frau Farbissinna from Austin Powers doing that shouting thing she does.) Its from Cotume!! Here goes!

I have a letter!! WHEEEE!! (I am so high on sugar right now.)

Legolas- What would you do if an army of fangirls suddenly appeared?
Frodo- If you think Coke is tasty, try Mountain Dew. I think it may be even more addictive than Coke.

That's all I've got right now, but... I'LL BE BACK! *cue evil laughter*

Legolas: Well, they already did, and it was horrifying! There was nothing I could do! They were all around me, trying to de-clothe me! So to prevent that, I had to curl up into a ball and stay like that! I had to stay like that until Elróthiel went Super Saiya-thing and killed them all most brutally. I enjoyed seeing that!

Elróthiel: Woooo! Someone has bloodlust!! You're just a bit homicidal aren't ya Legolas!? Aren't ya, pal!

Legolas: I enjoy seeing my enemies destroyed so I no longer have to be bothered by them.

Elróthiel: OK! FRODO!!!!!!!!

Frodo: Yes?

Elróthiel: *prods Frodo's nose* Letter. *pokes his eye*

Frodo: ACK! My eye! What did you do that for??!

Elróthiel: Simple! Your eye was in the way of my finger! It was entirely your fault! You purposely made my finer poke your eye!!! Now stop whinging and answer the question!

Frodo: *holding his eye, on of the glasses lenses has a hole in it* Alright! Mountain Dew? Yes I've had that! It was on a dry patch of Caradhras, near the foot, and it was early morning. Sam was going on about how the dew was good for you. It was actually quite disgusting!

Elróthiel: NO!!! Can we get a Mountain Dew in here?!

Mountain Dew: *is chucked to Elróthiel*

Elróthiel: Here. Taste this. It's good, and I guarantee you'll like it!

Frodo: *hesitantly takes the bottle, opens it, and drinks* Its good! *looks at bottle in wonder* *carries on drinking* MORE!!! MORE!!!!!!! MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elróthiel: Ummm……..I think you've had enough!

Frodo: I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *goes completely psychotic*

Elróthiel: *into walkie talkie* STEVE!!!!!!! Frodo has gone psycho, can you come in here and shove him in a box of some sort until he calms down? Yes. That's fine. NO GIMLI CAN NOT STAND ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Food? Maybe. It depends on how long it takes. AAARGH!!! He's eating my shoe!! Get in here now!!!

Steve: *gets on set with an animal catching pole, and a Hobbit-sized rabbit hutch* *catches Frodo*

Frodo: MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!!!!!!!! MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAARGH!!!! LET ME GO!!!!!!!!! MORE MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!!!!!!!!!! *bares his teeth and growls*

Steve: *shuts door of hutch in Frodo's face and carries him off set*

Elróthiel: Wow. That was weird!

Kurt: That was completely awesome! Did you see the way he looked at you!? It was like this psychotic animal with haemorrhoids!!! Completely mad!

Arwen: DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T LIKE IT HERE!!!!!!!! THERE'S NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!!! DAAAAAAAAAAADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elrond: *floats on set, STILL wearing the rollerblades* Arwen. We are not leaving until the show is over. Now sit back down, and wait patiently!

Arwen: But DAAAAAAAAAAADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *chin wobbles*

Elrond: NO! I've have put up with your whining for more years than I'd care to remember! Your mother would NOT be proud! Neither would your grandmother! And your ancestor, Lúthien Tinúviel! What would she think!? I shudder to think of that!

Arwen: *is shocked. Elrond has always paid attention to her whining in the past* *slumps back in her InflataChair, sulking*

Kurt: *stares at Arwen as if he thinks she is REALLY weird*

Arwen: What!?

Kurt: Dudette! You are really weird, did you know that?

Arwen: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE CALLED ME WEIRD!!!!!!

Kurt: *looks scared*

Elrond: ARWEN!!! CEASE YOUR INCESSANT WHINING!!!!!!!!!

Arwen: *is shocked again*

Elróthiel: OK. I think that everyone's starting to get tetchy, so I think I'm gonna have to call it a day. You've been a wonderful Audience! So for one last time, let's give it up for, the characters of LOTR!!! And the most brilliant rock star to ever walk the face of the Earth! The legendary KURT COBAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU KURT COBAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AN: That was a horde of Kurt Fangirls)

Elróthiel: So, now I bid you Namarié, and a wonderful time until the next show! Don't forget to send in your dares, your questions, or just any fan mail that you'd like to send in!

Author's Note: I hope you liked this episode of The Best Chatshow in Middle-earth! If I don't get the next chapter up sooner, its because I have AS Level exams over the next few weeks, and I'll only be able to update once in a while, but please, keep those fan mail letters coming in, because without you, this fic would be impossible!

Coming up next Episode!

Gollum comes back with surprising results! Arwen has another hissy fit! Gimli is made to stand on a box! More DBZ-esque scenes! A little bit of romeomeyance! Elrond goes to a skate park! A mystery guest appearance! And a cameo appearance made by Hobbit-eyes! See ya next episode!

Namarié!

From

Elróthiel, the Elven Goddess of Hilariosity and Laughter!