Fan Fiction ❯ The Diary of Legolas Greenleaf ❯ Chapter 1

Me: Yes I have started on a new fic and yes that means I have two fics going at once! bah…. this fic is not to be confused with "The Very Secret Diaries" originally written by Cassandra Claire and being continued by Bardvahalla- even though they're not on mediaminer that I know of. But go read the stuff they're working on! It's at www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/index.html. Go there! It's hilarious! Back to the fic- anyways I am not copying but that is where the idea for this came from so if cassandra or bardvahalla have any complaints let me know. Run-on sentences rock! Ahem- I do not and will not ever own any part of LotR except the stuff I mentioned in the disclaimer for Finale, so if you wanna know what I do own go look at that! Except now I have three ticket stubs instead of two. Now read!

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The Diary of Legolas Greenleaf

Part I

Day One

In Rivendell. Apparently the big secret council meeting was just about destroying some stupid ring. Peh. I joined on a whim- probably a great sightseeing opportunity. Elrond calls us 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. Wow, that's original. 'Lord' Elrond is such an ass- my dad is a much better ruler. Mirkwood rocks! Rivendell elves suck!

Wow. Just met Lady Arwen. Maybe Rivendell elves not so bad after all-

Damn! She's with that Aragorn guy who says he's going to be king of Gondor- bullshit. Well, we're both in the 'fellowship' at any rate- it'll be easy to push him off a mountain or something and make it look like an accident. Heh heh.

Met four little creatures called 'hobbits'. Meh. They need to either wear shoes or shave their feet. I almost barfed. Apparently the one with the enormous eyes is taking the ring to Mordor. My bet is he lasts ten minutes. Stupid hobbits. Also they eat too much. No wonder that one is so fat.

Am v. confused. Turns out smallest hobbit eats the most. What fresh hell?

Oh yeah. It's because of metabi- matabu- something-ism. Weird doctoral phrases…..

Going to bed now. At least they have feather beds in Rivendell. Nice cushy pillows.

Day Two

Set out for Mordor. Naturally Elrond made some big speech about the fate of the world- bastard. Am beginning to think he favors Aragorn and the little hobbit called Frodo. Frodo. What a sucky name.

Tried to find Lady Arwen earlier and guess what? She was busy sucking face with Aragorn! Am v. jealous. What does he have that I don't! Asshole. I bet he doesn't even have any balls and that's why he hasn't slept with her yet..

Day Three

Am beginning to think joining fellowship was a bad idea. Walking all the way to Mordor will be hell on my delicate elvish feet. Also suspecting everyone is gay except me.

What have I gotten into?

Day Seven

After watching him for a while, it is clear that Boromir is an idiot. Stupid humans. Elves are so much better!

Meh. Am v. bored. Nothing to cut up with my knives. I could always cut up the dwarf….

Gimli caught me trying to sneak up behind him and cut his head off. Damn dwarf! Peh…. still bored. Am doubting joining the fellowship v. strongly.

Day Ten

Sam keeps calling the ringbearer 'Mister Frodo'. Ugh. He is clearly gay. I tried to explain this to him but he just stared at me. Stupid hobbits. Their feet are really starting to scare me.

Gandalf won't tell me how far it is to the Gap of Rohan. All he ever does is bitch about how much danger we're in. If we were in danger I'd know, dammit! I'm an elf! I can see farther than anyone! Stupid old geezer. Am suspecting he has crush on Frodo as well. V. disturbing thoughts of late.

Crap. Am getting bad mental images. Bad! Bad!

Day Twelve

Boromir is trying to teach the hobbits to swordfight. Peh. Waste of time. Gimli is insisting we go through mines of Moria. Ick. I hate being underground. It's dark and smelly and besides that I have claustrophobic issues. If Gimli makes us go through the mines I'll stick my knives in him first chance I get. Stupid dwarf.

Oh shit! Crebain from Dunland! Hide!

Wait a sec. Where the hell is Dunland?

Bushes v. prickly. Ow! Damn. Thorns. Just my luck.

Noisy birds have left. Gandalf says the passage south is being watched. I didn't even know we were going south. Why does no one tell me these things? Gimli keeps saying to go through the mines. Peh. Stupid, ugly dwarf.

Oh goody. Gandalf says we're going over Caradhras. First smart thing the old bag has said all trip. Normally I don't like mountains, but I'll take Caradhras over Moria any day.

Day Fourteen

At the foot of Caradhras. Why do mountains have feet? And faces for that matter? Search me…. is very snowy. Knee deep. Ha! I can prance around on top of the snow while lesser mortals struggle through. Elves rule!

Pah hah hah! Silly little hobbits have snow almost to their waists. Stupid midgets.

Aragorn is walking behind Frodo who keeps falling down onto his legs and making him trip. Serves him right, bastard.

Heh. Frodo just dropped the ring. Stupid hobbit. If he loses it I'll have an excuse to make hobbit sushi out of him. Hope he loses it soon. Cool knives suffering from disuse.

Stupid Boromir is trying to steal the ring. Hah! It is v. funny to watch silly humans try to resist the ring's call. Fortunately elves are above such trivial matters. Go me.

Day Fifteen

Halfway up Caradhras. V. heavy snow. My keen elf eyes can hardly see a thing. Is also damn cold up here. My buns are freezing. Plus I hadn't realized mountain was so high. Am getting v. dizzy. Suspect I may have mild acrophobia. Who makes up these stupid names?

Shit. Saruman is making an avalanche. Jackass. Had to pull Gandalf away from edge to keep him from falling off. Stupid geezer owes me one now.

Double shit. Apparently we are going through Moria. Why couldn't we go through the Gap of Rohan? That's where we were originally going, right?

Meh. Gandalf let Frodo pick where we go now. Obviously stupid hobbit with no knowledge of dwarves would go through the mines. Midgets always stick up for each other.

Great. We are all doomed.

Day Twenty-One

Just reached doors of Moria. If it's for the dwarves, why is there elvish writing on the doors? Damn dwarf jockers.

Hah hah hah hah! This is great! No one knows the password!

On second thought, not so great. Now we all have to sit around like assholes while Gandalf 'meditates'. Gandalf's a fucking whore!

Day Twenty-Three

Meh. Am v. v. v. v. v. v. v. v. bored. Nothing to do. Maybe one of the hobbits will play tic tac toe. I'll ask them.

Am playing tic tac toe with the little hobbit called Pippin. My god he is bad. I just won seven times.

Stopped playing tic tac toe. Apparently everyone here is stupid as well. Besides, I had the uncomfortable feeling that hobbit was trying to look down my shirt. Stupid gay hobbits.

Damn. I am reduced to playing rock-paper-scissors with myself. What is the world coming to?

Gandalf you ass.

Day Twenty-Five

Frodo amazingly found the password- mellon. Why didn't I get that? Duh. Because I never even wanted to go in there in the first place. Stupid dwarf jockers.

Holy crap! Dead dwarves everywhere! Serves em right.

Aww. Gimli is wailing his eyes out. Fucker.

Boromir says we should never have come here. Finally someone makes sense! Now if Gimli would stop moaning we could get the hell out of here! It's dark and musty!

Aw, shit. Big squid thingy is trying to eat Frodo. Will the madness never cease?

Shot squid in the eye and saved stupid ringbearer, but now unfortunately we are stuck going through Moria. Damn. Stupid dwarves.

What! Four days to the other side! Damn!

Uh oh. Gandalf says there are older and fouler things than orcs down here. What's that mean?

Meh. He is trying to scare us as usual. Bastard. Hope the goblins get him.

Day Twenty-Six

Perfect. Gandalf got us lost. Shouldn't Gimli be leading the way? Didn't he live down here or something? Bah. Everyone is an idiot except me. Now we all have to sit around while Gandalf meditates some more. If I were him, I'd meditate on why I was wearing a dress.

OMG! Gandalf's a herm!

Day Twenty-Seven

Am still reveling in recent discovery. Why had I not noticed it before? No wonder I thought he was gay. Now I think he's either a herm or a cross-dresser.

Great. I am stuck traveling through the darkest, smelliest place imaginable with five stupid midgets, a gay, Boromir the Great Dumbass, and a herm/cross-dresser.

Wait a sec. Aragorn was kissing Arwen, right?

Holy shit, he's bi!

What the bloody hell have I gotten myself into?

I am also in desperate need of running water and a hairbrush. Probably getting split ends-

Have just realized Aragorn has not washed since we left Rivendell.

So that's what smells so bad. Freaking dirt magnet.

Am suspecting that besides being bi, Aragorn the Unwashed is a complete slob.

Day Twenty-Eight

Am having serious claustrophobic issues. Last night I dreamed I was being buried alive under dead dwarves. Either I really need fresh air or I am slowly starving to death. What would it take to get a decent meal down here?

Day Twenty-Nine

Gandalf finally figured out which way to go. Took the old geezer long enough. Stupid cross-dresser. Yes, I have concluded that since I can see no signs of tits *shudder* that he must be a cross-dresser. And gay.

Crud. Gimli just found his cousin's tomb. Now we have to listen to mister faucets for eyes wail on about the splendor of the dwarves coming to ruin. Blah blah blah, asswipe.

Gandalf found Balin's diary. Hey wait! I'm keeping the diary here! STUPID DWARF JOCKERS!

Apparently dwarves killed by orcs. Heh. Stupid dwarves.

Oh fuck. Pippin just knocked over some dead gut with lots of noisy armor on. Now orcs are coming. Stupid hobbit.

Double fuck! They have a fucking cave troll! As usual, I save everyone. Stupid gay people and one bi person.

Aw shit. V. v. v. v. v. v. v. v. many orcs. The smell is killing me.

What the hell? They ran away?

…………..Balrog………… ;…. I want my mommy………….. RUN AWAY!

Caught Gandalf as he had to jump over some gap in the stairs. Accidentally saw a flash of pink up his dress. Great. Gandalf wears pink thongs. I'm scarred for life.

Also had to catch Aragorn. The smell almost knocked me out. Nasty bi tried to grab my ass. Pervert.

Still running. Run across the bridge.

Damn that is one big monster!

Wait a sec. What's Gandalf doing?

Oh. Stopping the Balrog. You gotta hand it to him, he knows how to use magic. Even if he is a nasty cross-dresser.

Wow. Gandalf fell. Must be a long fall. Frodo trying to get to him. What's he going to do, jump in after the old bag? Bah. Stupid hobbit.

Ah! Bright light! I'm blind! I'm bliiiiiiind! Wait- yay! We're finally out! Thank goodness. My hair was getting v. unruly. Must find some nice clean water.

Perhaps not so good Gandalf fell into big ravine. Now Aragorn is the only dirt magnet around here. Must find some way to keep spare dirt away from me.

Day Thirty

Hobbits v. annoying. They are just mooching around and moaning about Gandalf. Frodo tried to run away six times. He is slowing us down considerably. Stupid hobbit. If he leaves he'll get caught by orcs who will most likely steal my idea of hobbit sushi. Jockers. Everyone jocks off the elves! Being the best race in Middle-Earth has its downsides.

Day Thirty-Two

Just reached Lorien. Their forest is far too clean. V. unnatural way for a forest to look. Stupid wannabe wood-elves. Mirkwood is so much better than this boring dump.

Aw shit. About fifty elves all pointing arrows at us. Don't shoot me, idiots! I'm an elf! Assholes….

Haldir trying to be intimidating. Is v. amusing. Fucker. Maybe I'll cut him up. Hunting knives rock!

Haldir took us to Lothlorien. Who would want to live so high up? He's trying to make me puke, I just know it. Bastard. I'll definitely be cutting him up v. soon.

Climbing, climbing, climbing- okay, why would anyone live all the way up here? Asses, all of em.

Hot damn! Galadriel is a serious babe! Am considering giving up on Arwen. After all, blondes do have more fun-

Damn. She's married already. What kind of a stupid name is Celeborn? Bet he doesn't have any balls either. Galadriel does not look like she's ever been pregnant. Why have a wife if you're not going to screw her? Stupid Celeborn.

Great. No feather beds here. Not that I'm planning on getting much sleep around these psychos. Better sleep lightly Haldir….

Aragorn caught me trying to sneak off. Bastard! I was planning to castrate Haldir. Better wait until tomorrow.

Day Thirty-Three

Plans to give Haldir a surprise visit were thoroughly smushed by Galadriel. She called us all to the riverbank.

Cool! New bow! My old one was getting a little out of date- this is the new Stealth Attack V model. Sweet. Maybe wannabe wood-elves not so bad.

Galadriel has to bend over to give hobbits their presents. Am sure they looked down her dress. Perverts.

Merry and Pippin got little swords. Peh. They will never use them. They are both little chickenshits.

Hah! Sam gets rope. What good is rope? Is he supposed to lasso the orcs? Stupid hobbit.

WTF?!?! How come Frodo gets the light of Earendil! Why is he so special! Grrr- stupid hobbit. Am suspecting Aragorn was behind this. Favoring bastard. Maybe I'll castrate him instead. My knives are not getting much use. Will have to check for rust soon. Also, handles getting tarnished. Too much outside exposure. Poor knives.

Day Thirty-Four

Lots of paddling. Arms v. sore. Stupid hobbits do no work, just loaf around and eat. Little bitches. At least I don't have to share a boat with Aragorn the Unwashed. All this water, and he still hasn't taken a bath or even washed his hair! Either he is allergic to soap or he doesn't know what it is. Suspect it is second one. I, on the other hand, took the opportunity of washing my hair in some birdbath type thingy. Celeborn got very mad and accused me of desecrating the mirror. What mirror? It's a fucking birdbath! He probably doesn't even know what desecrating means. Stupid jackass.

Reached Amon Hen. Boromir and Frodo both missing. Have an idea what is going on, and it's not pretty at all. Stupid gays.

Aragorn went to 'look for them'. Yeah right! They're probably having a threesome right now. Horny faggots. Hmmm- how would Arwen feel if she knew what her boyfriend was doing? Or should I say, who he was doing-

Shit! Big muscley orcs everywhere! Somehow they are even uglier than other orcs. All have white handprints on their faces. Hand of Saruman!

What the hell- this is probably his rabid army of super-orc sex slaves! Nasty pervert. Am now v. afraid to get too close to them. Must not use hunting knives. They will be tainted forever.

Found Aragorn fighting super-orcs. Ran up and shot one about to kill him. Stupid bastard always needs me to protect him. No sign of Boromir or Frodo.

Heard v. odd horn sound. Aragorn panicked and said it was the horn of Gondor. What fresh hell? Humans are so stupid. Aragorn ran off somewhere. Wimpy asshole. Now me and the dwarf have to kill all the super-orcs.

Killed super-orcs and went to find Aragorn. He was with Boromir who had three arrows stuck in him. Stupid fucker shouldn't have left his damn shield at the camp! Idiot.

The hell! Aragorn just kissed Boromir on the forehead! Nasty gay freak.

We put Boromir in a boat and pushed him over a waterfall. Was actually v. fun. Too bad he wasn't alive. Aragorn stole his armguards before he went. Perfect. Beseides being bi and a slob, he's kleptomatic!

Frodo and Sam left for Mordor alone. Probably want more privacy. Freaks. I knew everyone was gay except me. Also, super-orcs took the other hobbits with them. Stupid super-orcs think they have the ring. Should have patted them down first, assholes.

Gimli says the fellowship has failed. Damn straight! I want to get back to Mirkwood. This whole trip was a drag.

Aragorn says we have to go rescue Merry and Pippin. When did he start giving orders! Why should we go chasing after some stupid midgets anyway if they don't have the ring! What's the point!

Aragorn is a pervert, a slob, and a dickhead. However if I back out now, I will make myself look like a chicken. Damn. Now I have to go running a billion miles after two stupid hobbits and a bunch of ugly sex slaves. Suspect Aragorn did not have time to fuck the hobbits and that's why he wants to get them back. Horny gay freak.

Uh-oh. This is the last page. I need a new journal.

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continued in part II……

r+r pleez!