Fan Fiction ❯ The Diary of Legolas Greenleaf ❯ Chapter 3

I FINALLY UPDATED! After like… a year… okay, I'm exaggerating.

Sorry for offending him, kumi! ^^ Oh, Leggy has a message for you. He says if you come near him he'll maul you with his knives. Um… *sweatdrop* Sorry bout that. I'll give him a good spanking later.

Legolas: That goes for you too, Mrs. High-and-mighty-authoress!

Uh… yeah. Whatever. *cough* I don't have nuthing to do with LotR apart from total obsession. Now lets intrude on Leggy's privacy just once more. ^^

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The Diary of Legolas Greenleaf

Part III

Day One

Came to Isengard to find hobbits stoned flat, stuffing their faces! See if I ever do anything for those little bastards again.

Pippin found the palantir. My question is- what was it doing all the way out here? Saruman most likely trying to bribe the ents to let him out. Stupid wizard.

Gandalf making us bring the hobbits back to Edoras. Stupid old bag. He is definitely on my steadily growing list of victims to the hunting knives. My question is- where do we go from here? Huh, Gandalf? Stupid cross-dresser.

Day Two

Pippin woke up the whole Golden Hall with the palantir. Stupid midget. Now Sauron's onto us. Gandalf taking Pippin to Minas Tirith. Why does the midget get to go to Minas Tirith and I don't? Gandalf is showing blatant favoritism. Can only imagine why he would favor a hobbit. Wait. Yes I can.

Damn, everyone here is gay except me.

Day Three

Crap. Merry moping around now that Pippin is gone. Useless little ingrate does nothing but stuff his face and whine. Actually, that's not much out of the ordinary for hobbits. Most pathetic race in Middle Earth. Wonder if there's anything good on cable.

Crud. Keep forgetting, no cable in Middle Earth. No DSL either. And no PlayStation 2….. I miss Mirkwood.

Day Five

Beacons lit. Off to yet another battle. Honestly, these people can't wait to ride off and get slaughtered. Stupid suicidal horse-lovers. That's their problem, I am not going off to another near-death experience. I am done.

Dammit. Aragorn is flat out blackmailing me. Threatened to tell my dad about my flirting with Galadriel. Dad is very old fashioned- always telling me to settle down with a nice Mirkwood girl and follow in his footsteps, yadda yadda yadda. Point is- I cannot worm out of this.

Aragorn. Stupid tramp.

Day Nine

Pathetic turnout for battle. Of course- everyone died at Helms Deep, morons! Stupid humans. This is another reason elves live so long- we don't go rushing off at every chance to get our heads hacked off! Idiots.

Day Ten

Elrond showed up with some sword he claimed is forged from the shards of Narsil. Yeah, RIGHT! His eyes were shifty, if you ask me. I mean, are we supposed to believe he remade a sword that was broken for three thousand years just like that? Why hadn't he done it already? Bastard is trying to make Rivendell elves look good. He can go jump off a cliff. MIRKWOOD ELVES KICK BUTT!

By some nonsensical explanation, Aragorn used sword as excuse to run off like a chickenshit into the mountains, taking Gimli with him. 'Off to summon an army' my arse! Off to shag is more like it. But if they're getting out of this, I am too. Good thing Aragorn and I are such 'close friends'. Heh heh heh. My knives are waiting….

Day Eleven

Wait just a damn minute- we're going underground again? Did these idiots learn NOTHING from Moria? Well if it's the only way out, I'll take it. Maybe I can 'accidentally' lose Tweedledee and Tweedledumber in there. Here's hoping.

Holy shit. MASSIVE ghost army. All v. nasty looking, with peeling skin, bones sticking out. Don't smell nearly as bad as Aragorn, though.

Great. Aragorn acting all macho. Showing off new sword. Peh. If that loser has nothing better to do than try to impress a bunch of dead guys, I don't know why I bother staying around him. Oh yeah- HE BLACKMAILED ME, THE STUPID BASTARD!

Wonderful. Off to big battle anyhow. I swear, the minute Aragorn's back is turned- KCHHH!

Day Thirteen

Hijacked bunch of drab pirate ships with help of new enlisted army. Actually had fun for once. Don't see why we can't do this kind of thing more often. Pirates killed with cool knives: Twelve. V. good! Gimli killed nine. HA! Stupid dwarf.

On minus side, still headed to Pelennor Fields. Ah well. With big ghost army, now cannot lose.

Still going to castrate Aragorn.

Day Fourteen

Made dramatic entrance at Minas Tirith. Also showed off, climbing up an Oliphaunt and killing about twenty Easterlings at once. Or were they Southrons? Oh, who cares, really. Although the smell nearly knocked me out. Surprising, seeing as I've been traveling with Aragorn all this time. You'd think I'd get used to it.

Killed thirty nine orcs and men. Gimli killed twenty seven. GO ME!

Day Fifteen

If I don't get away from these morons soon I'm going to go insane. Who in their right mind finishes a battle and charges right off to ANOTHER one?! Who really gives a damn about those faggoty hobbits anyway? If they die, they die! Boo-hoo!

God, I'm surrounded by BRAINLESS PIECES OF DUNG!

All I know is, I am NOT GOING. NO, NO and NO! They absolutely CANNOT make me!

Day Sixteen

Heard Aragorn muttering something about "drastic measures". What was that all about? Maybe he's actually going to bathe soon.

Day Seventeen

Oh, no. Oh, HELL no! Aragorn has STOLEN my hunting knives! Refuses to give them back unless I sign contract IN BLOOD saying I'll go to the Black Gate.

That wanker knows me too well. Forced to sign. At least battle will be perfect chance to knock Aragorn off, the stupid tramp. He still has not bathed.

Day Eighteen

Got knives back. Off to Mordor. I am NEVER getting on another horse once this is over. Will probably be bow-legged the rest of my life.

All this is Aragorn's fault, I know it. (AN: Actually, it's Hiei's fault.)

Day Twenty

Camping out. Rohirrim insist on singing loud camp songs around the fire. Stupid horse-lovers. With all that going on, plus the smell of burned marshmallow, cannot get a wink of sleep.

I swear, I'm making a list, and I'm adding these savages to it.

… no one has offered me any marshmallows, dammit.

Day Twenty One

Arrived at the Black Gate. Am very sleepy. Stayed up all night getting knives ready for battle. Was worth it though, as they are now clean and sharp, and the blades shine like a bald man's head under strobe lights.

Where did that come from? Ah well.

This is too rich. Sauron is a big chicken. Will not even open the gate.

Aragorn is yelling. What is he saying?

"Come on, come on, bring it on, you bitch! Bring it on!"

Did not know that Aragorn could be so efficient with his words. Probably learned it from me, the stupid jocker. Everyone jocks off the elves, after all.

……….. oh, shit.

ENORMOUS ARMY OF UGLY BLOODTHIRSTY ORC MINIONS COMING STRAIGHT FOR US!

Hate Aragorn!

Gimli saying he never thought he'd die next to an elf. If I wasn't about to piss my pants, I'd take the time out to stick my knives in him. Ugly, stupid cretin. This is why no one cares about dwarves.

Slash, slash, shoot, slash, shoot, kill kill kill. Battle routine pretty much down-pat by now. Wonder where Aragorn is?

AH HA HA! This is great! He's gonna get stomped by a troll! Pinch me, I've gotta be dreaming! HA HA HA HA!

Damn. He lives.

Eagles? Eagles, tell me, what is up with the eagles? Are they our minions now or something? Maybe I'm hallucinating…..

Well, would you look at that. Saouron went >pop<, just like that. Those big-footed midgets really did it, I guess.

On con side, did not have chance to kill Aragorn. On plus side, killed thirty four orcs. Gimli killed twenty seven.

ELVES RULE!

Day Twenty Four

Back in Minas Tirith. Have nothing to do. Cannot wait to be back in Mirkwood. I miss my Gamecube.

Frodo is such an annoying braggart. "Woo hoo, look at me, I destroyed the Ring, blah blah blah-" Am hard-pressed to keep from slaughtering him, the irritating whelp.

On the bright side, my list is almost done. It includes, but is not limited to: Aragorn, Gandalf, Frodo, Gimli, Merry, Theoden, Eomer, Eowyn, all the Rohirrim, all the Gondorians, Elrond, Celeborn- and so on, and so forth. Plus some wench named kumi.

Off to sharpen my knives. Cannot wait. ^^

Day Twenty Five

Have just learned that Aragorn is having a coronation tomorrow. I can't stand ceromonies. At least Arwen will be there. Must spend the rest of the afternoon primping. I have to look my best- Arwen is such a fox.

Day Twenty Six

Aragorn has actually taken a bath. The universe as I know it is crumbling. The coronation is almost over and I still have not seen Arwen. Damn. Is she even coming? I look especially hot, too. Can tell because Gimli is giving me the eye. Stupid gay dwarf.

Ha ha. Aragorn's crown is all girly. He probably loves it. Next thing you know, he'll be wearing charm bracelets and then- urgh. Bad mental images. Bad!

…….. I can't believe it. Arwen finally shows up and now they're glued at the lips. Disgusting. Utterly disgusting. I think later I'll tell her he's been cheating on her.

Could not take it. Ran behind White Tree and barfed. Am now wishing I did not have that weird vegetarian dish for breakfast.

Cannot wait to get back to Mirkwood. This whole trip has sucked.

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Well, there you have it. The end of the Diaries of Legolas Greenleaf. I might do other characters later- I'm open to suggestions. Review please! *does a happy dance* Woo hoo, I finally finished it! Lazy lazy bum I am. U_U