Fan Fiction ❯ The More Troublesome Quest For Sanity ❯ insanity, nudity and ... potato ( Chapter 11 )

Disclaimer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (runs away)

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[Forsaken Fortress]

Zelda(p): (floating in mid-air, chanting)

Zelda(f): (appears) HEYA!!

Zelda(p): Eek!! (falls down) OW!! You could at least have knocked!

Zelda(f): This is my fortress as well as it is yours!

Zelda(p): Well, actually it's Ganondorf's…

Zelda(f): --;;

Zelda(p): (shrug) Just wanted to point that out.

Zelda(f): So any progress in your Tetra location work?

Zelda(p): Well …

Zelda(f): Yes?

Zelda(p): Contrary to former believes it says now that Tetra is in your right and not in your left pocket.

Zelda(f): OO!!

Zelda(p): … why, you asked.

Zelda(f): Okay, okay … and where's Sheik? I need at least someone to vent my anger.

Zelda(p): I send him off to a pointless quest.

Zelda(f): But why?? We're in war!! An eternal fight between good and evil!! Close to its end!! And you dare to get rid of our allies??

Zelda(p): But he took my lipstick!

Zelda(f): And that's the perfect excuse for everything, isn't it???

Zelda(p): … and used it on your cat.

Zelda(f): WHAT???? I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!!!! (runs off)

Zelda(p): … talking about reason …

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[a yet random island]

Sheik: So let's see … according to the map I stole this has to be the island where I can find the first pearl. And what did Zelda say again? `The pearls are of great importance to us. Common folk believes, that they were destroyed after being placed into the hands of the Gods. Yet it is not so. They were passed on to authors who found great joy and great use in them … as paperweights. Further it is said to-"

Nestor: (appears) HUZZAH!! I'M PINK!!

Sheik: Erm … hello.

Nestor: Pink! Yay!

Sheik: Do you know where on this island I can find the author who possesses the Pearl of Din?

Nestor: Pinkpinkpinkpink … PINK! (disappears)

Sheik: Guess that's a no then…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Dragon Roost Island]

Link(f): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! !!!

King of Red Lions: (wakes up) What??? What is it??

Link(f): I … I lost my contact lenses!!

King of Red Lions: You … are not wearing any contact lenses.

Link(f): I'm not?

King of Red Lions: No.

- silence -

Link(f): OH MY GOD!! THAT MEANS I'VE LOST MY GLASSES!!!

King of Red Lions: oo;;;;;;

Link(p): (yawn) Morning everybody!

Link(f): WAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! (runs away)

Link(p): What's he up to?

KING OF RED LIONS: Since you're one I thought you'd know.

Link(p): He's lost his imaginary glasses?

King of Red Lions: (nods)

Link(p): Bad for him … entirely uninteresting for me. So what's for breakfast?

King of Red Lions: There is no breakfast!

Link(p): What???

King of Red Lions: I truly hope that somewhere in your pea-sized brain there is a tiny spot which remembers, that we still have to SAVE THE FREAKING WORLD!!!

Link(p): … but without breakfast?

King of Red Lions: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! !!!!!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Be surprised for it is not a random island this time! It is … The Island of Randomness!!]

Ganondorf: Did I ever tell you that you're the most beautiful boat I have ever seen?

Queen of Red Lions: No, but you should have! Besides, this won't do it. You've got a mission and you won't run away from it!

Ganondorf: No, but I might swim…

Queen of Red Lions: GANONDORF!!

Ganondorf: Okay, okay. So what's the target?

Queen of Red Lions: Target is the first pearl. The Other Other Pearl of Randomness.

Ganondorf: Of randomness?

Queen of Red Lions: Indeed. Obviously found here … on the Island of Randomness.

Ganondorf: And where exactly would the pearl be hidden?

Queen of Red Lions: The idea of something being hidden is that other people don't know where it is. You see, they have to FIND it.

Ganondorf: When you say they you're talking about a search party that you've organized especially for me, right?

Queen of Red Lions: …..

Ganondorf: Okay! Jeez, I'm off already. But say … anything else you want to tell me? Anything I should be aware of, beware of?

Queen of Red Lions: Well, monsters, traps, insanity, evil minions, authors … you know, just the usual stuff.

Ganondorf: … just the usual stuff. (sigh) Off to certain doom! Yay! (walks away)

Queen of Red Lions: Vacation at last!! (puts on her sunglasses and stares at the clouds)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Dragon Roost Island, the dungeon]

Narrator(p) Link and King of Red Lions finally agreed on a Starbucks takeaway breakfast and were now on their way … well, Link was on his way … to the center of the island where the Other Pearl of Fire was said to be located.

Link(p): (eating a donut) Mmmmmmmh, donut!

Echo: Donut! Donut! Donut! Donut!

Link(p): WHO??

Echo: Who? Who? Who? Who?

Link(p): Oh, whew. Silly me. It's just an echo.

Echo: Echo! Echo! Echo! Echo!

Link(p): I'm hating this place already.

Echo: Me too! Too! Too! Too!

Link(p): oô

Link(f): LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!!! (tackles Link(p) down)

Link(p): AH!! What????

Link(f): You forgot your sword outside!!

Link(p): Huh? (checks) You're right! My God, thanks for bringing it! I would've been absolutely screwed without it!

Link(f): … bringing it?

Link(p): Erm, yes?

Link(f): But I just came to tell you that you forgot it outside!

Link(p): OO;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Nestor: (appears) I'M PINK!

Echo: PINK! PINK! PINK! PINK!

Link(p) and Link(f): oo!

Nestor: Oooooooh, spiffy! PINK! (disappears)

Echo: (disappears) (disappears) (disappears) (disappears)

Link(p) and Link(f): ……

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Island of Randomness, Dungeon of Randomness]

Toaster: (flying by) Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!

Ganondorf: (shiver) Major Room 6 déjà vu!

Grocculy: (appears) Didst thou mentioneth our former hometh?

Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAH!!! No!!! (backs away) No, it can't be!!

Another Grocculy: (appears) Velcome to ze izland number sics!

Ganondorf: …. (faints)

Narrator: Little did the readers remember that grocculies were the little creatures that tortured Ganondorf long time ago, when he was forced to spend time in room number six. So did they really own a whole island now? Then why would the Queen of Red Lions have said, that it's the Island of Randomness and not Island 6? Maybe a random author can answer these questions … maybe even the one who's poking Ganondorf with a pointy flower right now!

Random Author: (poke) (poke) (poke)

Ganondorf: (wakes up) Ah!! What??

Grocculies: Flip! Flap! Goose!

Ganondorf: oo

Random Author: Huzzah and how do you do?

Ganondorf: OO

Random Author: Why, thank you! SUCH A NICE HELLO FOR YOUR OLD FRIEND!!!

Ganondorf: …. meep?

Random Author: Don't you even remember me??? I'm-

Nestor: (appears) PINK!! PINKPINKPINK! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (disappears)

Ganondorf: … pink?

Random Author: OBITWOKENOBI!!!

SFX: THUNDER! LIGHTNING! MOOOOOH!

Ganondorf: But I thought you died in that strange car accident, several years ago!!

Obitwokenobi: … that was princess Diana.

Ganondorf: Oh, right. Sorry, I just keep mixing you two up.

Obitwokenobi: OO???!!!???!!!

Ganondorf: Anyway, what are you doing on Island … (shudder) 6?

Obitwokenobi: …. (breaks into a fit of laughter)

Ganondorf: Are you okay?

- a few hours of storytelling later -

Obitwokenobi: … and she said "You're the 200th reviewer!" and I said "Whooopie!" and she said "Thou shalt be honored greatly!" and I replied "Yay!" and she said "You may inhabit my Island of Randomness and keep all the cash you can get from tourism" and I thought "WOOOHOOO, BABY!!". But she kinda forgot to tell me about her stupid pet grocculies that keep scaring away all the tourists!! So you see, Ganondorf … Ganondorf?

Ganondorf: ZzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzz….

Obitwokenobi: GALABAZOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ganondorf: (wakes up) WHERE????

Obitwokenobi: … I'm done.

Ganondorf: Sound bad, really bad.

Obitwokenobi: Did you even listen?

Ganondorf: Uuuuhm …. say, where would I find The Other Other Stone of Randomness?

Obitwokenobi: Yeah, right. JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT, WILL YOU???

Ganondorf: I-

Obitwokenobi: Second floor, third corridor, seventh door to the left. Have a nice day!

Grocculies: GALABAZOOOOOO!!!

Obi and Grocculies: (disappear)

Ganondorf: …. oooooookay.

- second floor, third corridor, seventh door to the left -

Sign on the door: Dear hero/ine. We're currently doing some major renovation work in this room. So the evil threat which has been inhabiting it has moved. For a heroic and epic battle please follow the ominous aura of doom or consult our reception for further information. Thanks for your cooperation.

Ganondorf: …. this is going to be a loooooong day.

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[yet random island]

Sheik: (doing sexy poses for no apparent reason at all)

Crickets: (yodel)

Voice: FEEL THE WRATH OF MEH!!

Sheik: …huh?

Voice: SHAZAAAAAMEEEEEEH!!! (tackles Sheik down)

Sheik: Owww!! What the-

Voice: Who dares to touch my island with his unholy feet???

Sheik: I do, apparently.

Voice: THOU SHALT BE BEATEN SOUNDLY FOR NONE IS ALLOWED ON THE HOLY ISLAND OF MEH! MEH!!!

Sheik: … and you are?

Voice: Why, the Phantom-of-MEH of course!!

Sheik: … I see. Can I call you Pom then?

Phantom-of-MEH: HOW DARE YOU??? GUARDS!!!

- silence -

Phantom-of-MEH: I said; GUUUUUAAAAAARDS!!!

Sheik: Erm…

Phantom-of-MEH: GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

- one hour later -

Sheik: (yawn)

Phantom-of-MEH: Wait!!!

Sheik: Eh?

Phantom-of-MEH: I remember!! I don't have any guards!!

Sheik: OO;;;;

Phantom-of-MEH: Now that explains a lot. Anyway, what do you want?

Sheik: Din's Pearl!

Phantom-of-MEH: Oh, okay. Here you go. (gives Sheik Din's Pearl and leaves)

Sheik: OO???????????????????????

Phantom-of-MEH: (singing in the distance) And frath the zum hald beeregized! So glooon of nargh no eeeeeemerized! Laaaaa! Laaaaaaa! MEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!

Sheik: (raises eyebrow) Now I'm positively scared.

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[Dragon Roost Island]

Valoo: (sitting on a rock in the middle of a pool of lava)

Link(p) and Link(f): AIIIEEE!! A DRAGON!!

Valoo: (singing) Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad! Prospero Año y Felicidad! I wanna wish you a merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a merry Christmas! From the bottom of my heart!!

Link(p): oO?

Link(f): Ooooooh! Pwetty! (wants to tough the lava)

Link(p): AH!! STOP!! (grabs Link(f) by his collar and jerks him back)

Link(f): Owie! Meanie!

Link(p): --

Valoo: (notices his guests) INTRUDERS!!!!

Link(p) and Link(f): Eep!

Valoo: … I wanna wish you a merry Christmas! I wanna wish you a merry Christmas! I wanna wish you a merry Christmas - from the bottom of my heart!!

Link(f): Yay! Easter party!

Link(p): (drop)

Medli: (appears behind Valoo) You must excuse him, but living in a volcano all the time … with the toxic vapors and stuff … you see, it makes you a little bit-

Valoo: MARCO!!!

Medli: POLO!!!

Valoo and Medli: MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Link(p): … oy.

Medli: Sorry, where was I? Right … you must be the brave knights who came to seek The Other Pearl of Fire.

Link(p): The same.

Link(f): But I want cookie!!!

Link(p): AND I WANT A DENTAL PLAN, SO WHAT???

Link(f): Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! (wants to run a way but just trips and falls)

Link(p): Oh boy.

Medli: There shall be a fight for the pearl. It's you two against Valoo and me.

Link(p): But I don't have any weapons.

Medli: No problem, we do! (holds up a set of cards)

Link(p): You don't mean…

Medli and Valoo: STRIP POKER!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Island of Randomness, Dungeon of Randomness]

Narrator: In the meantime Ganondorf found his mission quite difficult since the whole area seemed to have a certain aura of doom….

Ganondorf: (whistling as he sings along) I'm all alone … in a dungeon so scary … I'm all alone … and I wish for a fairy … I'm all alone … in a dungeon so creepy … and I-

Tingle: (appears) KOOOLOOOOH LIMPAH!!!

Ganondorf: GYAH!! (skyrockets and crashed into the ceiling)

Tingle: Limpah?

Ganondorf: (crashes down) The situation requires a definite OOOWWWW!!!!

Tingle: Koolooh alaaah hello!

Ganondorf: What do you want??

Tingle: You called for a fairy, limpah!

Ganondorf: I did, but as I said; What do YOU want???

Tingle: But I am a fairy!! Koolooh Limpah!!

Ganondorf: Oh please, not this again. Listen, if you are a fairy then I'm Lady Chatterley.

[R] Voice in the distance: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay! I sleep all night and screw all day! I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay! I sleep all day with Chatterley! [/R]

Ganondorf: … Queenie's insider jokes scare me.

- ominous silence -

Tingle: I know where you can find The Other Other Pearl of Randomness! Follow me, Miss Chatterley! (skips away)

Ganondorf: (shrugs) Why not? I'm quite sure that it can't get worse now…

Piano: (falls on him)

Ganondorf: … I was expecting that!

Piano: (starts to play a random song)

Ganondorf: (sigh)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Dragon Roost Island, outside]

Link(p) and Link(f): (hiding behind a bush)

King of Red Lions: (whistle)

Link(p): Hey! Pst!

King of Red Lions: Huh? (looks around)

Link(p): Pst! Here!

King of Red Lions: LINK!

Link(p): Sssssh! Shut up and get over here!

King of Red Lions: Why, how am I supposed to do this? I'm a boat. But why don't you just come over here and jump in?

Link(p): Well…

Link(f): PRETTY COLORS!! (sees a butterfly and leaves his hideout … more than only scantily clad)

King of Red Lions: Oh. I see.

Link(p): (steps out of the bushes with nothing but The Other Pearl of Fire covering his private parts)

Fangirls in front of the computer: (swoon)

King of Red Lions: Tee hee hee!

Link(p): Oh shut up, will you??

King of Red Lions: (whistle)

Link(f): BIRDIE!! WHEEEEEEE!!! (running around on the beach)

King of Red Lions: Now this will certainly not improve Queenie's rating…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Island of Randomness]

Tingle: Tingle, Tingle, here we go! (points at a big, black door)

Ganondorf: That's it?

Tingle: That's it. Evil hideout, limpah!

Ganondorf: Oh goodie. You wouldn't by any chance know who is the keeper of The Other Other Pearl of Randomness, would you?

Tingle: In fact I do, koolooh!

Ganondorf: Really??? Who is it???

Tingle: It's me, Tingle, Tingle!

Ganondorf: WHAT?????

Tingle: Koolooh Limpah!

Ganondorf: You … you made me walk all the way through this stupid dungeon just to fight you behind this door???

Tingle: Exactly, limpah!

Ganondorf: Why, you little-

Tingle: Catch me, if you can!! (disappears behind the door)

Ganondorf: Alright, here I go. (sigh) At least getting the pearl now will be easy. (steps through the door) I mean, how difficult can it be to fight against-

Voice: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!

Ganondorf: A GIGANTIC BLUE POTATOE FROM ITALY!!!!

Potatoe: GRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! (grabs Ganondorf and throws him against a pillar)

SFX: CRASH!!! BOOM!!! KERSPLAT!!!

Ganondorf: ….ow.

Tingle: Very good, my dear potato! Mweehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Limpah! Limpah!

Ganondorf: What the hell??

Tingle: May I introduce; My private bodyguard; Luigi, the blue, Italian potato of DEATH!!

Luigi: RAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHH!!! (wants to grab Ganondorf again)

Ganondorf: Eep! (hides behind the pillar)

Nestor: (appears) I'M PI-

Luigi: GRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! (smashes Nestor)

Ganondorf: Uh oh. This is not exactly going the way I want it to..

Luigi: ME HUNGRY!!! ME EAT GERUDO FLESH!! (destroys Ganondorf's pillar and sets him flying against the fall)

SFX: ZOOM!!! KERSPLAT!!

Ganondorf: (passes out)

(-(-(-- GANONDORF DREAM SEQUENCE --)-)-)

Queenie: Ganondorf!!

Ganondorf: Queenie?

Queenie: BLOODY IDIOT!! (hits him over the head with a chair)

Ganondorf: Owww!!! What was that for???

Queenie: FOR NOT REMEMBERING THE FLASHBACK AND BRINGING DOOM TO HRYULE!!

Ganondorf: Flashback??? Which flashback???

Queenie: THE FAIRY, NITWIT!

Voice in the distance: Now you have the ztrange ability to defeat gigantic blue potatoes from Italy by zinging "Mambo Italiano"!

Ganondorf: Oh, THAT thing you mean!

Queenie: Indeed! And now get out there and sing his vegetable-y ass off!!

Ganondorf: … are potatoes vegetables anyway?

Queenie: OH JUST SHUT UP AND FIGHT!! (throws a chair at him)

(-(-(-- GANONDORF DREAM SEQUENCE END --)-)-)

Ganondorf: (wakes up)

Luigi: (is just about to crush him)

Ganondorf: EEP!! (quickly jumps to the left and runs to the other site of the room)

Tingle: No idea why you want to die so cowardly, Tingle. (shrug) Oh well … CHAAAAAARRRRGEEEEEE LIIIIMPAAAAAH!!!

Luigi: RAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHH!!!!!

Ganondorf: Waaaaiiiiiit!!!

Luigi: Grrh?

Ganondorf: I … I want to tell you something before I die.

Luigi: Arrghh?

Ganondorf: In fact it is a song a few of my friends have written … GUUUUUYS!!

SAC: (appears) OLEEE! OLEEE! MUSIC GOOOOOO!!!

Ganondorf: Ahem! (cleans his throat) A girl went back to Napoli, because she missed the scenery, the native dances and the charming songs but wait a minute ...something's wrong!

Tingle: Wrong indeed, what the hell are you doing??

Narrator: What the hell WAS he doing?? Well, to put it simple; he and the suddenly appearing choir started to dance and sing!!

Ganondorf and SAC:

Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano!

Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano!

Go, go, go, You mixed up Siciliano!

Luigi: GRAAAAARRRGHHHH!!! (covers his ears in agony and tries to stamp the choir)

Ganondorf and SAC:

All you Calabraise do the mambo like a crazy!

Tingle: NO!! NO!! STOP IT!! You're killing my precious potato!! LIMPAAAAHAAAA!!!

Ganondorf and SAC:

With a-Hey Mambo! don't wanna tarantella,

Hey Mambo! no more the mozzarella ,

Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano!

Try an enchalada with da fish-a-bacala!

Luigi: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHH!!!! (explodes)

Tingle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!< /div>