Fan Fiction ❯ The Mystical Object of Fate ❯ The Capture of Zelda!! ( Chapter 2 )

The Mystical Object of Fate

(The Most Generic Zelda Fic Ever)

By Galaxy Girl

 

A/N: I'm amazing I was able to write such a short chapter. I mean… jeez, chapter 24 of H,O was 79 pages long. I shall be aiming for that short every chapter… I'm trying to get better at conciseness. Thanks for all the loving reviews!

 

What I mean when I say “generic” is that all of these plot points and twists and turns have been seen in virtually every other Zelda fanfic that has ever existed, ever. The only difference is… I'm being horribly sardonic about it. ^_^

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CHAPTER TWO: The Capture of Zelda!

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Princes s Zelda was a wispy, beautiful, blonde-haired and blue-eyed borderline Mary Sue of a princess who, due to some very unfortunate course of Destiny, was actually the central thing in the universe. Everything in Hyrule revolved around her one way or another. Everything, from the very workings of nature to the daily schedule of Barney the Shrubber in Hyrule Castle Town focused in some way on what condition Zelda was in, what she was up to and whether or not she was currently imprisoned. She was the Seventh Sage, the Princess of Destiny, the Keeper of the Triforce of Wisdom, and had a whole slew of other pretentious-sounding titles that added to her power and importance.

 

Unlike most princesses, however, Zelda was not the type to sit up in a tower, embroidering a pillowcase, writing dramatic poetry and staring out a window wishing to be free or that someday her prince would come or other such nonsense. She was rarely to be seen trying on her dresses, combing her hair, attending fancy balls, singing falsetto to passing bluebirds or skipping in the meadow accompanied by all the little forest creatures. She did her best to keep an active role in the governing of her kingdom and the development of any dramatic plots that happened to unravel. She attended meetings, made public appearances, prayed at the Temple of Time frequently and often came up with hare-brained ways to keep important Sacred Relics out of the hands of megalomaniacal warrior kings. Occasionally she dressed in drag and went sight-seeing.

 

This unfortunately led to her being more vulnerable to kidnapping than a blind, deaf, anemic six-year-old with cash bulging out of his or her pockets.

 

Zelda's current record was 14 successful kidnappings in 17 attempts. One attempt had been thwarted when Zelda's attendant Impa caught wind of Ganondorf's “unexpected” violent coup just in time to race out of Hyrule with Zelda in tow. One attempt had been foiled by Zelda herself as an infant, when she suddenly spit up all over her assailant's face as he was attempting a precarious jump off the castle ramparts. The third attempt was less of a kidnapping than it was Henri the Chef absolutely having enough of the young princess's complaints about his cooking.

 

Each kidnapping was later thwarted by the Hyrule Castle Guards, Impa, some accident of Zelda herself, or a hapless young lad in green that will be brought up again at a later point in the story.

 

Nevertheless, the author of this story had never caught on to the fact that despite all her power, importance and pretentious-sounding titles, Zelda was virtually helpless when it came to people trying to kidnap her and use her in evil plots. The author never once thought it logical that knowing this, the people of Hyrule would perhaps assign Zelda a bodyguard staff that consisted of a little bit more than several hundred inept castle guards and one extremely intimidating Sheikah ninja martial arts expert.

 

Then again, if logic was applied to anything in this fanfic, it probably wouldn't exist.

 

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On this particular day, Zelda was sitting in the castle's library, reading from a huge stack of books that all focused on the subject of dream interpretation. Her porcelain-perfect face was wrinkled with worry as she turned the pages and scribbled notes in vain on a slip of paper nearby.

 

Impa was off in a corner doing whatever it is an attendant usually does. The author was not sure Impa's purpose, exactly, except for knowing pretty much everything about the Triforce and serving as the exposition-dump character when it came time for the quest to happen. There was also uneasiness with portraying Impa's job more realistically for fear that it would tarnish Zelda's characterization as a beautiful, independent, kind-hearted and perfect princess. Realism applied, Zelda probably couldn't bathe or dress herself without Impa there to hold her hand or at least offer coaching tips.

 

“No, no, no!” Zelda cursed, flipping desperately through the index of a large book entitled Creepy Prophetic Dreams and What They Mean. “I can't find it anywhere, Impa!”

 

“Find what, Princess?” Impa asked.

 

“I can't find the symbol I saw in my dream last night!” Zelda moaned melodramatically. “I've been keeping up with them very well these past few weeks, and last night was the first night I've been unable to interpret it!”

 

“Perhaps you'd better repeat your dream so the readers know what it was, though you probably already told me,” Impa suggested calmly.

 

“Well, a few nights ago I dreamed that dark clouds were surrounding the land of Hyrule. Suddenly, a beam of green light shot out of the forest and parted the clouds. Obviously, that means that Ganondorf is an evil man and secretly plotting to betray my father so he can get his hands on the Triforce and become a god, only to be thwarted by the Hero of Time, Link, who is currently living in Kokiri Forest and is known for wearing green!” Zelda explained.

 

“Uh huh,” Impa nodded, looking through a stack of books she picked out for herself.

 

“Two nights ago, I dreamed that the moon was covered by a black shadow and all of Hyrule was plunged into darkness. Suddenly, a green star burst out in the sky and the shadow shriveled away, bathing the land in light once more. Obviously, that is a sign that once again, Ganondorf is an evil creep who is planning to take over Hyrule and steal the Triforce, and Link is going to step in and save us all.”

 

“That makes sense,” Impa agreed.

 

“But last night, I dreamed of an epic battle between Link and Ganondorf portrayed in beautifully rendered, realistic 3D graphics. Suddenly, a burst of light changed everything into a nauseatingly colorful and cute cel-shaded style. It was as though many fanboy voices cried out in terror… and were suddenly silenced,” Zelda wrinkled her brow worriedly.

 

There was a short clatter and Impa dropped her books, crumpling into the corner in horror. “Great Nayru…”

 

Zelda nodded, wearily brushing a few strands of her cornsilk blonde hair out of her face. “I know… What does it mean, Impa?”

 

Impa pursed her lips and her fists clenched at her sides. “If I didn't know better… I would say that it was a prophecy that Nintendo was going to utterly pull one over on its fans.”

 

“Do you think it means that Ganondorf is going to take over Hyrule again?” Zelda asked nervously.

 

“That's impossible!” Impa huffed in typical skeptical-but-later-wrong fashion. “Ganondorf has been sealed away in the Sacred Realm with the powers of the Seven Sages and the Hero of Time. There is no way he'd be able to escape, despite the fact he still possesses the Triforce of Power and could theoretically do anything he wanted to.”

 

Zelda sighed, still unconvinced in her all-knowing heart. “If you say so, Impa… But really, if you think about it there could be many ways for him to escape. What if he was summoned back by the Gerudo, or perhaps by a daughter he never knew he had?”

 

“The Gerudo are no longer loyal to Ganondorf, and Nabooru would never let them do such a thing,” Impa reasoned. “And I doubt Ganondorf has a daughter. Who would sleep with that?”

 

Impa would, if this were another fan fiction by this particular author.

 

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Nabooru hissed in pain as the whip licked at the bare skin on her back, struggling against her chains. Sweat poured from her pretty face as she glared over her shoulder at the other Gerudo currently beating her.

 

“Sorry, Lady Nabooru… Lord Ganondorf's orders,” the Gerudo torturer said between breaths, winding up the whip again.

 

“It's nothing personal, really,” a second Gerudo commented, wiping her sweat away with a hanky.

 

“Why in Din's name are you whipping me?!” Nabooru snapped viciously to the women she'd known as her friends until it was convenient plot wise for them to change.

 

“Because! That's what prison guards do!” the first Gerudo argued. “Isn't it?”

 

“Yeah, you always see them beating up prisoners!” the second one pointed out.

 

Nabooru rolled her eyes. “No, no, no, no, NO. You can't just beat up the prisoner for no reason! You have to have a reason to do it! You're not INTERROGATING me even! You can't just… beat me up! Now, if I had information that you needed to know, that would be excusable, or if I was being unruly and fighting back, but I'm NOT! I've just been sitting here quietly in the dungeon plotting horrible revenge! You have NO EXCUSE to be whipping me!”

 

“I…” the first Gerudo drifted off.

 

“I guess it's more angsty this way?” the second one guessed.

 

“Maybe we're using this to emphasize that Ganondorf is Bad with a Capital B,” the first one shrugged.

 

“I'm bored out of my mind, too,” the second moaned.

 

Nabooru rolled her eyes and groaned. “Look. I have a deck of cards in my back pants pocket. Let's play some Poker or something if you're THAT bored.”

 

“Okay,” the first guard shrugged, and tossed the whip aside.

 

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Meanwhile, Ganondorf was having some trouble with inept guards of an entirely different sort.

“So, I'm really gonna need to see some ID, sir,” a young Hyrule Castle guard named Charley said meekly, giving a weak salute. It was Officer Charley's third day on the job. It had sounded pretty easy in the handbook—stand at gate, talk to passersby and welcome them to Hyrule Castle Town, provide directions to various town landmarks, stuff like that. He had never been taught what to do when a cackling madman on a black stallion shows up at the castle gates, demands that you allow him in and boasts that within an hour he will be your supreme evil overlord and you will be dust in the palm of his hand, helpless against his magnificent power.

 

“I don't need to show you ID, boy,” Ganondorf groaned, smacking his forehead. “You just… you just let me in, okay? Haven't you ever done this before?”

 

“Third day on the job, sir,” Officer Charley replied nervously.

 

“You've got a lot to learn, Chucky…”

 

“Charley.”

 

“Sorry. Charley. Well, you see, Charley… you are a pawn. You are nothing but a placeholder. Your job and your existence have no meaning,” Ganondorf explained slowly, in case he needed time to comprehend his words. “Princess Zelda and the Royal Family have hired you because that's just what Royal Families do. They actually don't expect you to DO anything. You're useless. Were the castle or the town ever under any kind of real extreme threat, you would be obliterated within seconds. I have the power to turn you and all your friends and colleagues into a pile of smoldering ashes by snapping my fingers. Your only purpose in life is to serve as a warning to just how desperate the situation is. When the people see you and all your colleagues die in vain, helpless against my power, that's when they know to panic.”

 

“It specifically says in my handbook,” Officer Charley pulled out said handbook and consulted the index. “Right here. `The Hyrule Castle Guard Pledge: To Protect and Serve the People of Hyrule'.”

 

“Nobody actually believes you're going to protect them, Chance,” Ganondorf shook his head.

 

“Charley.”

 

“Sorry. Charley. See, my boy, you are what we in the villain industry call… `cannon fodder'. You're not even wearing a nametag. You have no chance of surviving. You are horrifically under-trained and wouldn't know what to do with that spear if your life depended on it. In fact, you'd probably be better off if you just left right now. Just pack up all your stuff, take off your badge and go back home to Mum and Dad and Gramma. I'm sure they wouldn't want their boy to die, flinging himself pathetically at the Evil King and being seared to death in a burst of wicked magic.”

 

Officer Charley stared at Ganondorf like his entire world had been shattered around him. He let out a miniscule whimper.

 

“There, there, my boy, I know it's hard,” Ganondorf leaned down off his stallion and gave Charley a friendly pat on the shoulder. “But it's for the best that somebody tells you all these things before you get yourself killed.”

 

“B-but… but what about my partner?” Officer Charley asked quietly. “Sh-should I tell him too?”

 

“Oh yes. Tell him, soon as possible. Tell all your friends. I don't want to mow them down unnecessarily in my pursuit of power,” Ganondorf reasoned. “Where is the fellow?”

 

“Hey, Ted!” Officer Charley leaned over and yelled at his partner, a taller, less-scrawny gate guard on the other side of the entryway whose name was Corporal Ted. Corporal Ted was currently doing his best to ward off the pre-pubescent advances of Genna Dragmire, who had never before seen a boy whose voice was finished changing.

 

“And Janie and I are all, `Oh no he didn't!' and she's all, `Oh yeah he did!' so we went and we found him by the drinking fountain… and he's all, `What?' And I'm all, `I know what you did to Maria and it's like, so not cool, okay?' And he's all, `What did I do!?' and Janie's all, `If you don't know I ain't gonna tell you, ass!' And it was really funny an' stuff,” Genna bubbled, twirling a bit of her hair around a finger and rubbing against Corporal Ted playfully.

 

Corporal Ted looked extremely uncomfortable. He was thirty and happily married, and currently being hit on by a girl a third of his age.

 

“You're really hot,” Genna giggled, turning a deep red and batting her eyes beneath her clumsily-applied four-Rupee mascara.

 

“Um,” Corporal Ted said eloquently. He placed out a hand to gently deter the young Gerudo girl from him.

 

Ganondorf was immediately distracted from the disillusioned Officer Charley. “YOU SON OF A BITCH, HOW DARE YOU LAY A HAND ON MY LITTLE GIRL?!”

 

Within seconds, Corporal Ted was a bleeding smear on the ground, clutching at a badly broken nose and writhing as Ganondorf screamed fairly menacing threats at him.

 

“AND IF I EVER CATCH YOUR SCRAWNY ASS PUTTING THE MOVES ON MY DAUGHTER AGAIN, I'M GONNA MAKE IT SO YOU NEVER, EVER GET THE URGE TO TOUCH A WOMAN AGAIN LEST YOU ASSOCIATE IT WITH PAIN BEYOND THAT YOU'VE EVER KNOWN! I WILL DAMN YOU TO THE DARKEST PITS OF THE FIERY ABYSS OF THE GAP BETWEEN DIMENSIONS IF YOU EVER TOUCH MY PUMPKIN AGAIN, YOU GOT THAT, PUNK?!”

 

Corporal Ted replied in a long, squeaky moan.

 

“DAAADDY!” Genna groaned, burying her face in her hands. “You are SO EMBARRASSING!”

 

Meanwhile, Officer Charley was in the middle of an existential crisis and fairly oblivious to the situation as he boxed up the posters and paperweights he'd brought so enthusiastically to his guard post a few days ago. “I… I just thought I was involving myself in a really noble career…”

 

“I know, I know how it is,” Ganondorf turned around soothingly. “I hear there's a lot of joy to be found in teaching.”

 

“Teaching… yeah…” Officer Charley smiled vaguely.

 

“I thank you for your very easygoing attitude,” Ganondorf nodded to Officer Charley as the portcullis leading to the castle rose up, opening his path. “I wish you the best of luck, and you gentlemen have a nice day. Come, Genna.”

 

“NO!”

 

Ganondorf turned around to find Genna on the ground, cradling Corporal Ted's bleeding face in her lap. “Genna, get away from that loser! Daddy's on a murderous rampage and wants to take over Hyrule ASAP!”

 

“DADDY, I LOVE HIM!” Genna moaned dramatically, stroking his hair.

 

Ganondorf raised an eyebrow and sighed. “Genna, sweetheart, you're ten years old. You don't know what love is.”

 

“I LOVE HIM, DADDY! YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND!” Genna burst into tears and stood up, dropping “her lover's” head into the dust and sobbing wildly as she sped off across the castle grounds.

 

“Genna! AGH! No, Genna, Sweetie-Pumpkin, come back! Daddy didn't mean it!” Ganondorf yelled frantically, dismounting his stallion and handing the reins to Officer Charley. “Here, Dave, hold that for me.”

 

“It's Charley.”

 

“Get a nametag, son, it'll really up your chances of survival,” Ganondorf advised him. “GENNA! COME HERE THIS INSTANT! GET BACK HERE OR NO ICE CREAM! GENNA! COME ON, GENNA, COME BACK TO DADDY, DADDY DIDN'T MEAN IT!”

 

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“Um… I beg your pardon, Princess?”

 

Zelda diverted her attention from the stack of books to a sheepish-looking castle guard captain standing in the doorway of the library. “Yes? What is it?”

 

“I regret to inform you, Princess,” the captain said solemnly, “But the castle is under attack.”

 

Impa stepped forward quickly. “Attack? By whom?”

 

“It appears to be Lord Ganondorf, the Gerudo King of Thieves, your highness,” the captain nodded weakly.

 

Zelda's face lit up in alarm and she stood up. “That can't be! That's impossible! He was sealed away in the Sacred Realm! There's no way it's him!”

 

“I-It's definitely him, your highness,” the captain muttered nervously. “Green skin, flowing red hippie hair, black cape, black stallion…”

 

“How could he have broken out of the Sacred Realm?” Impa burst out.

 

“He appeared to be accompanied by a little girl who bore an unmistakable resemblance to him… Perhaps a daughter he never knew he had,” the captain went on.

 

Impa and Zelda eyed each other and shuddered slightly.

 

“Where is Ganondorf now?” Impa shook off the terrible mental images and took a protective place beside Zelda.

 

“He's in the main foyer, coming quickly in this direction,” the captain said with shame lacing his voice.

 

“What? How could he have gotten past all the guards so quickly?” Zelda exclaimed worriedly.

 

“Well, it's the strangest thing. Half the guards outside came to me just a few minutes before it happened and resigned, citing reasons of `I don't want to die in vain'. The other half appear to have been paid off,” the captain said, vexed.

 

“Impaaaa!” Zelda moaned in terror, scooting closer to her.

 

“It's all right, Zelda! The captain and I will protect you, no matter what,” Impa hissed, taking her knife from the sheath on her back.

 

“Actually, I've come to resign as well,” the captain interrupted.

 

“What? Resign?! NOW? Why?!” Zelda couldn't seem to speak more than a word per sentence in her panic.

 

“I honestly don't think I have a chance of surviving in this career,” the captain sighed. “I think I might be cannon-fodder. I mean, I've had more lines than either of you in this paragraph and you don't even know if I have a name.”

 

“Captain, I'm sure you have a name,” Zelda drifted off, attempting to console him.

 

“I do. It's Dennis,” the captain moaned.

 

“Captain Dennis, please! We need you now more than ever!” Impa tried to reason with him. “If you resign now, there'll be no one here to protect the princess except for me and a bunch of pansy castle servants!”

 

“I've got a girlfriend back in town… her name is Mildred. I love my Mildred,” Captain Dennis sobbed. “I don't want to die! We're getting married next week! That's always how it goes, I'm going to die in a horribly depressing way and she'll find out she's pregnant! Then our son will grow up with a great hatred of Ganondorf and become a rival to the REAL hero, always swearing he's going to kill Ganondorf and make him pay and other such nonsense!”

 

“Captain Dennis,” Zelda set a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Then my son will challenge Ganondorf to a battle one on one and Ganondorf'll take one look at him and curse him to oblivion! Then as he lies on the ground, flesh rotting off and boils bursting up on his eyeballs and other uncomfortable spots, the REAL hero will hold his hand and listen to his last words, which will always be a confession like, `Oh, oh Link, you are the real hero! I love you! I'm sorry I was so weak!' Then he drops DEAD and just like that my lineage is KAPUT!”

 

“No, no, I'm… I'm sure you won't DIE, Captain!” Zelda shook her head and gave a weak smile. “I have great healing powers! I'll make sure you don't die!”

 

“I have no chance. You don't even know what I look like. My physical attributes haven't even been described. I don't know what color my hair is!” Captain Dennis wailed.

 

“It's auburn,” Impa offered helpfully.

 

“Oh yes, it's auburn, but what CUT?!”

 

“It's very short. You have brown eyes and your eyelids droop a little bit. You like cigars. You drink a lot. You live in town with your rich girlfriend Mildred and she's probably pregnant with your son,” Zelda explained.

 

“You're a dreadful cynic but a very determined castle guard and you may seem like a hard-ass or a jerk at times, but you're actually a good man and everyone who knows you and works with you respects you,” Impa added.

 

Captain Dennis whimpered and moved his weight from foot to foot. “Really?”

 

“Really. Everyone likes you. The author would be nuts to have you killed!” Zelda assured him.

 

“Do you really mean it?” Captain Dennis murmured, tearing up a little bit.

 

“Yes, we really, really mean it,” Impa nodded with a motherly sort of comfort.

 

“Jeez… I… I've been such a fool,” Captain Dennis said with a hint of determination. “How could I let you down? Oh, I swore a vow that day that I would Protect and Serve the People of Hyrule… Mildred would never forgive me if I- AAAAAAAGGGGH!”

 

That was the sound of Captain Dennis being hit by a dreadful curse that immediately encased his body in a sparkling black but transparent evil crystal of darkness. Seconds later, Ganondorf stepped into the room, gently shoving the captain off to one side to clear the doorway.

 

Zelda and Impa gaped at him in horror as he dusted off his cape. “That was a nasty little curse there… never tried that before!” he said jovially.

 

“We had just told Captain Dennis there that he wasn't going to die protecting me,” Zelda said indignantly, placing her hands on her hips.

 

“Huh? Oh. Sorry. Well, you're okay. He's not dead. Just encased in an evil, energy-sucking crystal that is adding to my already lethal arsenal of power and sorcery,” Ganondorf shrugged. “Now where was I? Oh yeah, Genna! Come here, Daddy has to show you how to properly menace the Royal Family!”

 

Genna appeared in the doorway a moment later, arms crossed and still looking a bit steamed. “I wanted to curse the guards, Daddy!”

 

“You'll get your chance, pumpkin… Here! Daddy will let you curse all the servants in the castle! How's that?” Ganondorf offered, nudging her in the elbow. “Good offer, yeah?”

 

Genna thought on that for a moment and then giggled, jumping up and down. “Okee, Daddy!”

 

“Wait just a moment though, Daddy's got to threaten the princess now. Ahem. PRINCESS ZELDA!”

 

“Yeah?” Zelda sighed, crossing her arms in boredom as Impa took a protective stance in front of her.

 

“After ten long years of being locked away in the Sacred Realm by you and your cursed Sages and Hero of Time, I have escaped! For ten years, I dreamed every night of the thirst I held for your blood and how much I wanted the Triforce stored within your body! My hatred has further warped my black, evil soul and I will at last take my revenge on you! My power is stronger and my armies are even more Vast and Obedient! There is nothing you can do to stop me this time! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!” Ganondorf screamed, thunder and lightning punctuating his sentence.

 

“TEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!” Genna added.

 

“You'll touch her over my dead body!” Impa cried, wielding her knife and striking a menacing ninja pose.

 

“Come ON, Lady Impa. Let's just get this over with. You always lay your life on the line for Zelda, and I always end up defeating you and getting her anyway,” Ganondorf sighed. “Why don't we just skip it today?”

 

“Damn you, you filthy pig!” Impa yelled. “Get your wicked ass out of here before I-”

 

Impa was interrupted as Genna showed some very impressive spell prowess in slamming Impa against the wall with only a wave of her little finger. Impa cried out in pain and fell to the ground unconscious, despite the fact she was supposedly this crazy bad-ass ninja person.

 

“Don't talk about my daddy that way!” Genna snarled, crossing her arms triumphantly.

 

“Good girl, sweetie,” Ganondorf nodded his approval. “Now then… Princess Zelda! I believe it has once again come down to you and me!”

 

Zelda winced and eyed Impa on the ground, the only exit to the library that was currently blocked by Ganondorf and a frozen Captain Dennis, and the insanely powerful sorcerer and his also insanely powerful daughter currently menacing her and threatening to take over her kingdom. “Crap.”

 

“Crap indeed. Now… Genna, pumpkin, how shall we curse Princess Zelda this time?” Ganondorf asked charismatically. He had learned a while back that you should always run your “foolproof” evil plans by a young child every so often. If a child could spot flaws in the plan, there was definitely a need for improvement.

 

“Whaddya mean?” Genna asked curiously.

 

“Well, there are really two types of curses suitable for a princess—the conscious curse and the unconscious curse. If we curse her consciously, she will be awake and able to comprehend all the horrific crimes we are committing in her kingdom and with her people. If we curse her unconsciously, she will be as though dead, only awakened by some goofy cure like True Love's First Kiss, the Reunification of the Triforce, or the Reawakening of the Sages,” Ganondorf explained.

 

Genna cocked an eyebrow. “Let's blow her up.”

 

Zelda and Ganondorf both glanced at Genna like she was insane. “Blow me up?” Zelda gaped.

 

“Yeah. You're such a pain in the ass—”

 

“Watch your language, young lady!” Ganondorf warned her.

 

“Sorry. You're such a pain in the butt to Daddy… all you ever do is thwart his plans or use your power to form a magical seal or something like that. Why don't we just kill you?” Genna suggested.

 

“It doesn't work that way, precious,” Ganondorf explained soothingly. “You see, Princess Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom.”

 

“So? Why don't you kill her and then take it from her?”

 

“No, see… he CAN'T kill me,” Zelda shook her head. “That wouldn't be fair. He's allowed to do anything up to and including multiple genocide, evil curses of the damned and the reanimation of demonic hoards. But he's not allowed to kill me.”

 

“Why not? That would solve all his problems at once!” Genna burst out. “He'd have your Triforce, and he'd be rid of you and your powers, and he'd be the King of All Hyrule! And I'd be the NEW Princess of Hyrule!” Her eyes sparkled beneath her black eyeliner. Face it, there is no little girl, however gothic, that does NOT want to be a princess somewhere deep inside herself. “Princess Genna of Hyrule…”

 

“Genna, darling… I'm afraid you don't understand how it works,” Ganondorf bit his lip and shook his head. “I can't kill her. But I can lay a curse of unspeakable evil on her.”

 

Groaning, Genna crossed her arms again. “Whatever.”

 

“Now… what shall it be? Eternal sleep?” Ganondorf suggested, wiggling his fingers in anticipation.

 

“Nah. Too Sleeping Beauty,” Genna shook her head.

 

“Imprisoning her in a crystal?”

 

“So we can listen to her whining?”

 

Ganondorf narrowed his eyes, consulting the very darkest of his evil thoughts. “Trapping her spirit in a stained glass window?”

 

“Too Bowser,” Genna crinkled her nose.

 

“Oh, I got it,” Ganondorf pounding his fist into his open palm. “I saw this in a ballet once. We—”

 

“Ballet?” Zelda spoke up with disdain. “You… see ballets?”

 

“Don't you?” he replied with confusion.

 

“No.”

 

“Uncultured brat,” Ganondorf rolled his eyes. “Anyway, diddums, how about this? We curse her to transform into a swan until the moonlight touches Lake Hylia!”

 

Genna thought on that for a minute. “Why a swan?”

 

Ganondorf pursed his lips. “Yeah. Why a swan?”

 

“Because a swan is graceful, majestic and beautiful and the animal embodiment of a princess like myself?” Zelda guessed.

 

“Now why in Din's name would I curse you to transform into an animal of grace, majesty and beauty?” Ganondorf placed his hands on his hips. “I hate you. I want REVENGE on you. Why on EARTH would I turn you into something nice, like a swan? Or a hawk?”

 

“Or a wolf,” Genna pointed out.

 

“If I'm going to transform you into anything, it's going to be something nasty,” Ganondorf reasoned. “Like a dung beetle. Or a flea. Or a plague germ.”

 

“Or a rat!” Genna piped up excitedly.

 

“Yes, or a festering badger carcass!”

 

Zelda winced again. “A festering badger carcass?”

 

“Okay, maybe that's a little disgusting. But I think I've got just the thing,” Ganondorf rolled up his sleeves and the room seemed to darken. “Genna, my dear, while I'm busy over here, you curse the rest of the castle and perhaps the town as well, okay?”

 

“Okee Dad!” she saluted, skipping out into the hallway.

 

Ganondorf smiled wickedly as snaky trails of black magic coursed out of his body and along his arms, swirling along the ground and surrounding Zelda. She sighed. Another day, another horrible curse. “Are you prepared, Princess?”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” she sighed.

 

“Are you going to try and fight back with your ultimately useless supposedly all-powerful magic of goodness and light?” Ganondorf asked.

 

“No. I'll be good,” Zelda sighed again.

 

Ganondorf nodded his approval and began chanting to consummate his most wicked curse ever. “Ego evenio procul exsisto foras mei inferus induviae!” The author believed Latin to be a very good language for wicked-sounding curses, but unfortunately had typed “I happen to be without my underwear” with the help of an online translator.

 

There was a tremendous burst of darkness and Zelda screamed before her voice was silenced.

 

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