Fan Fiction ❯ The Mystical Object of Fate ❯ The Hero of Time is Summoned!! ( Chapter 3 )

The Mystical Object of Fate

(The Most Generic Zelda Fic Ever)

By Galaxy Girl

 

A/N: Perhaps the only thing about this fanfic that will NOT be following the “generic” storyline is my characterization of Link. I have chosen, rather than the “majestic and brave hero” or the “courageous but naïve youth” images, I will be employing the “clueless and hapless dork with a sword” image heretofore seen in Hey, Ocarina. I can't help it. I love that Link. ;_;

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CHAPTER THREE: The Hero of Time is Summoned!

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Long ago, Hyrule was a burning wasteland torn into pieces by the ravages of a Great War. Each of the land's races had taken up arms against one another in a bloody free-for-all in the name of honor, glory and who called whose mama ugly at a Royal Family banquet gone bad. The land was plagued with bloodshed, famine and pestilence. Those were dangerous times, times in which innocent civilians were slaughtered by the hundreds, rival armies resorted to dirty, underhanded tactics to assure victory, and times in which it was really, really bad to be a single woman in her mid-thirties trying to balance a family and a career.

 

One woman found that out the hard way as she attempting to raise her baby boy in the middle of this hubbub. Ever since her husband's tragic death in a freak accident involving a cart of oxen, a confused flock of chickens and an inconvenient flea, the woman known only as “Mrs. X” had earned a reputation for herself among the weary soldiers as a raving lunatic and perhaps the luckiest human being alive. It seemed her goal in life to drag her child through the worst situations and terrain imaginable, presumably in cheesy search of a place where there was no war.

 

She could usually be seen stumbling and sobbing across Hyrule Field in the midst of raining arrows, zooming cannonballs, the metallic crashing of swords on armor and the sound of men dying in the bitter rain. Some regiments would stop battles entirely when she appeared so they could watch her miraculously dodge all the usual bits of warfare that caused people to die, haplessly making her way to some place she was unsure the location of. Occasionally, she joined the ranks of the unkempt, wild-haired hippies who stood around the battlefields, banging tambourines and tossing flowers and singing songs about love and peace and crimson and clover. Those people always had the best diaper rash lotions.

 

Eventually, Mrs. X had had enough of the daily grinds of motherhood in the middle of a war zone. It was getting next to impossible to find suitable places to breastfeed in the middle of firefights, and soldiers were quite unsympathetic when the boy burst out crying in the middle of stealth missions and gave away their position. There was also a large arrow lodged firmly in Mrs. X's shoulder and the wound was turning orange. Mrs. X dragged herself to the forbidden depths of the Kokiri Forest, baby in hand, and managed to explain her plight to the forest guardian before dropping dead.

 

The Great Deku Tree sensed in the boy a great hinting of Destiny. He knew that the boy would someday be very important to Hyrule's future, and he agreed to raise the boy as though he were a Kokiri.

 

Young Link had a very generic heroic upbringing—living in squalor in a small village, always wondering what lay beyond the borders of his hometown, staring at the sky and boo-hooing in his thirst for adventure. Then one day, the fairy Navi came to him and informed him that he had been chosen by the Great Deku Tree to undertake an important task that would steer the fate of all Hyrule. It would have come as a surprise to most people, except most people had read at least one fairy tale or adventure story in all their lives and knew it was ALWAYS the unassuming small-town kid who was “strangely different” that had everything important happen to them.

 

Ever since Link was a young boy, he knew that he was different from the other Kokiri. He was the only one of them without a guardian fairy. He was the only one of them stricken with terrible nightmares whenever something bad was about to happen outside the forest. He was the only one to get the living snot beat out of him daily. He was the only one of them who happened to be preordained by fate and chosen as the Hero of Time, got to fall asleep for seven years in an amazing stroke of bad luck, awaken Six Sages, inherit the Triforce of Courage and assist the Sages and Princess Zelda in sealing Ganondorf away in the Sacred Realm for all eternity (or about a decade, as we already know).

 

And since Link was technically not a Kokiri but a Hylian, he was the only one of them who got to grow up.

 

There were many good things about being the sole adult in a forest village full of magical fairy children, Link had learned. For one thing, being in an adult body he automatically pulled rank on the others, though they were older than him by several hundred years. His adult body also put a stop to the daily ritual that involved the Kokiri children beating the living snot out of him for fear that he was stronger than them and could give it back tenfold (though it's a shame the Kokiri children never actually tried this on an adult Link; most of them could probably take him anyway). Link was also the only inhabitant of Kokiri Forest who ever got “action” from gorgeous outsider women, though many of them did find it odd he lived in a treehouse in a forest village full of magical fairy children. It gave him a wee bit of an unwanted Neverland vibe.

 

Link was an optimistic, cheerful and fun-loving fellow, despite a past that largely involved him traveling to distant lands and stabbing little creatures to death, exploring and conquering ancient deathtraps and subjecting himself to all varieties of creepy magical experiments the likes of time-travel and shape-shifting. Though the author realized it was often in fashion for the authors of these sort of fanfics to depict Link as a world-weary, jaded and angsty young man with guilt in his heart and sobby goth poetry carved into his arm, the author was inclined to remember Link's usual wardrobe of a spring green tunic and tights, well-kept blond hair, pointy ears and a festive green hat to top it all off.

 

The author challenges anybody to try and tack the “Depressed and Brooding Hero” image onto somebody dressed like one of Santa's elves without giggling themselves out of the writing mood. It's kind of like trying to portray the King of Evil as a lovesick, giggly, Queen-loving musical nerd, and oh wait.

 

In any case, Link did not see his permanent occupation as World Saver and Hero of Time as any kind of burden, or something that needed to be whined about in a series of haiku. It was just something that had to be done in between mackin' on the ladies and brushing his beautiful, model-like hair. Link figured that women actually adored men whose jobs were interesting like his.

 

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On this particular day, Link was shaving in the mirror and singing along to an old Kokiri ballad he'd heard somewhere. His well-worn Kokiri boots tapped the melody on the hardwood floor of his tree house loft, a fresh tunic was laid out on the bed behind him, and his chiseled Hero pecs were glistening in the morning sunlight and a fresh coating of deodorant body spray.

 

It was not what one would call a Morning of Destiny… but then again, it never is.

 

“EV'RYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT!” Link sang exaggeratedly into his razor, whipping off a healthy glob of shaving cream into the sink as he shook his money-maker. “Ev'rybody Wang Chung tonight!”

 

The Master Sword gleamed, freshly-polished in its sheath as it hung on the wall near the stacks and stacks of Link's other Ancient Sacred Relics and Weapons of Great Power and Might. Link's pet fish Hymie Jr. swam around idly in his fishbowl on the table, where a half-finished package of Pop Tarts was rapidly cooling. It would have made a purist fanboy scream to see all the modern amenities the author had callously added to Link's everyday life, but in all reality the author was without a clue as to what Hylian people ate for breakfast or listened to while they shaved. At least the author had avoided the dreaded double-sin of making Link a wrist-slitting whiny wanker and giving him a pet fish.

 

Link made an odd face to carefully shave the hair lining the side of his chin, and splashed the murky sink water to wash away the rest of the cream on his face and jaw. Setting his razor down on the counter, he patted himself with a towel and grinned into the mirror, producing a tooth sparkle more blinding than even the Arrows of Light.

 

“EV'RY BODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT! Oh, ev'rybody have fun tonight!”

 

Link had a very good day planned ahead of him. After he got himself properly gussied up, he was on his way to Hyrule Castle Town to cash in some of his hard-earned Hero-For-Hire Rupees for a massive refill of his stash of bombs and other highly dangerous items. Then, a lunch date with his on-and-off sweetheart Princess Zelda. The afternoon was set aside for a long, scenic rise across Hyrule Field on the back of his trusty horse Epona. And tonight was Barbecue Night here in the forest. Mmm-MMM!

 

It was not what one would call a Day of Destiny… but then again, it never is.

 

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In order to understand what happened next, we must take a brief scene change back to what used to be Hyrule Castle but was currently Ganondorf's second Impenetrable Fortress of Doom. There, in the highest room of the tallest tower, a sparkling black crystal in the shape of Justin Timberlake hung from the ceiling, absorbing energy with which Ganondorf could carry out his evil plans in a very Sailor Moon-esque fashion.

 

On the floor, there was drawn a large and complicated runic circle, around which lay a few rubber chickens sprinkled with packets of ketchup. Upon finding out exactly what “sacrificial chickens” entailed, Genna (who was in the standard preteen “I WILL NEVER EAT MEAT AGAIN!” phase) had absolutely refused to go along with her father's plan until he provided some kind of curse-fodder that didn't involve murdering chickens.

 

Ganondorf stood at the edge of the circle, holding out his hand and chanting a curse, the wickedness of which had never before been fathomed in the history of all Hyrule. In his other hand rested a copy of the Book of Unspeakable Evil. He recited an incantation from the back page that sounded quite sinister, but due to the author's laziness in finding another Latin phrase to use, happened to be the lyrics to “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” by Iron Butterfly.

 

Genna sat in a chair on the side of the room, bored out of her mind as she filed her nails and waited for her father to finish up his evil work so he could pay attention to her and she could run by him again the question of her getting Winnie the Pooh tattooed on her nearly-A breasts.

 

“IN-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA, HO-NEY! DON-TYOU-KNOW-THAT-I'M-LOV-IN'-YOU! DON-TYOU-KNOW-THAT-I'LL-AL-WAYS-BE-TRUE!”

 

A great spire of evil magic was building in the center of the circle. Purple and black smoke swirled around itself, guided by the occasional waving of Ganondorf's hand and twisting and turning to reflect the commands in the incantation. The runic circle glowed purple, slowly sealing the effects of the curse as it sought out its target, far away in Kokiri Forest…

 

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… Where Link had poured a few squirts of Studly Manâ„¢ After-Shave Lotion into his hands and was rubbing them together in preparation to apply them to his face.

 

“The words we use are strong! To make reality! But now the music's on! OH BABY! Dance with me, yeah!” he warbled several octaves too high.

 

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“OH-WON'T-YOU-COME-WITH-ME! AND-A-TAKE-MY-HAND! OH-WON'T-YOU-COME-WITH-ME! AND-A-WALK-THIS-LA-A-A-A-AND! PLEASE-TAKE-MY-HA-A-A-A-AN-AND! IT'S-ALL-RIGHT, HUH! HUH!”

Ganondorf calmly finished the incantation (to the part of the song that went into a thirteen minute instrumental) and his eyes flashed evilly as the spell in the circle began to writhe, turning in and out of itself as it sealed.

 

Suddenly, there was a tremendous explosion of smoke, sparks and the silhouettes of cackling demons, screaming faces and other such macabre spell-casting imagery. The smoky column of the spell immediately shrank into the floor, spreading out across the room and falling the full eighty stories down and into the earth.

 

Snaking across the ground, the curse zoomed through the crystallized castle town and out across the field, past a few hapless bunny rabbits, through the trees and log tunnels of the forest and immediately into the second tree house on the right, just as Link smacked his face with a layer of Studly Manâ„¢ After-Shave Lotion.

 

As the curse and the after-shave struck him simultaneously, Link was filled with a shrieking, screaming, exploding feeling of fire erupting all through his body. Every cell lit up with a hot, feverish pain that soon spread to the cells next to it, amplifying the pain a hundredfold. It was as though every inch flesh in his body turned to the inch of flesh next to it and promptly stabbed it with a serrated steak knife, except using the blunt end instead of the sharp one. It was as though ten thousand index cards leapt at him and papercut him all at once, the pain was so great. It was as though every rap metal band in the universe screamed out a unison chord of the f-word all at once, amps turned on high and “singers” having taken the deepest breath of their lives.

 

Link screamed in girlish agony and stumbled backwards, clutching at his face with an opened-mouth agony that would make Macaulay Culkin rage with jealousy. One of his feet caught an inconvenient fold in the rug and sent him tumbling backwards, flailing wildly as his body hit the table, flipped completely over it and landed face-first on the other side.

 

As he clumsily cleared the table, Link's weight managed to completely snap one of the legs on the side nearest to his landing point. Seconds later, the table itself collapsed, dumping a huge pile of magazines, the toaster, his clothes for the day and his manicure kit on top of him.

 

As if that weren't enough, the fishbowl containing Hymie Jr. was soon to follow suit as it slid off the table's surface and collided with Link's head after a short three-foot fall.

 

There was a long moment of silence as Link lay there, half-conscious, wondering whether or not he might be dead. Slowly, his fingers twitched at the floor, confirming that he was either slightly alive or in his final seconds of croaking. Eventually he was able to reach up and carefully replace Hymie Jr. on the floor next to his head rather than on top of it. He sat up slowly, feeling entirely like something really important had just happened.

 

Link knew suddenly, from the very depths of his soul, that something had changed. He had changed. He was no longer the same person he was moments ago. This stinging… it was not the feeling of any ordinary after-shave.

 

Link… was now a Studly Manâ„¢ Man.

 

Whistling as he shook off the pain, Link stood up and carefully pushed all his belongings off to the side with one foot as he pulled his clothing out of the pile and got dressed. He grabbed his weapons, put on his sword sheath and headed out the door.

 

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It was a glorious morning in Kokiri Forest, Link observed as he stepped out onto his balcony and filled his lungs with the crisp, sparkling forest air. The Kokiri were partaking in their daily activities of standing around, doing backflips for no reason, cutting grass and making vaguely sexual motions nearby large rocks. Shiny things floated through the air inexplicably. All was as it should be.

 

Link climbed down the ladder in front of his house and headed out into the center of the village, still whistling Wang Chung. Several of the Know-It-All-Brothers were setting up card tables and gas grills for Barbecue Night.

 

“Good morning, boys,” Link yawned and surveyed the work so far. “How go barbecue preparations?”

 

“Pretty good, pretty good,” one of the brothers exposited. “We're getting the hot dogs in about an hour, and we've still got leftover ribs from last time.”

 

“With spicy original sauce?” Link asked hopefully.

 

“You know it.”

 

“Sweeeeeet!” Link smiled heroically and gazed off into the horizon. “I can't WAIT.”

 

“Jiminy's letting us put out his stereo, too,” another of the brothers said as he came up from behind, setting a large boombox on one of the card tables and unwinding an extension cord. “This joint's gonna be rockin' tonight!”

 

“What CDs are you gonna play?” asked a third brother, placing his hands on his hips.

 

“I dunno. Best of the 80s, maybe? What's Jiminy got in here right now?”

 

“Jiminy has the worst taste in music ever,” the first brother groaned. “Let's see what it is.”

 

The third brother hit the play button and from the stereo burst the shrill chords of America's Pop Princess, accompanied by a whiny synthesizer and the ever-present hum of her voice changer.

 

“WITH A TASTE OF YOUR LIPS I'M ON A RIIIIDE! YOU'RE! TOXIC! I'M! SLIPPIN'! UNDER! TASTE OF A POISON PARADIIIIISE…”

 

“Eww, YUCK,” the first brother shivered.

 

“I am NOT listening to that,” the second one shook his head.

 

“We'll have to borrow somebody else's CDs,” the third sighed.

 

The three brothers were taken out of their musical distaste by what was unmistakably the sound of a young man choking to death on his own tongue. They glanced up to see Link, foaming at the mouth, bloodshot eyes rolling back in his head, red-tinged skin taking on a blue hue around his throat and cheeks, and fingers and arms seizing and twitching like he was being electrocuted.

 

“… Whoa. Dude, are you okay?” the first brother asked nervously, extending a finger to prod Link in the side.

 

Link collapsed to the ground and seized harder, teeth clenched together and eyes bugging out.

 

“Turn that crap off!” the second brother said quickly, reaching over and yanking the plug out of the back of the boombox.

 

The music immediately halted and so did Link's episode. He lay on the ground motionless, gasping for air like a fish out of water as the three brothers gathered around him.

 

“WH… WHAT… WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!” Link moaned loudly, clutching at his throat as he sat up.

 

“Dude, I didn't know you hated Britney Spears THAT much!” the third brother whistled, leaning in close to him.

 

“I… I don't…” Link stammered, adjusting his hat back on his head. “I don't actually mind her at all. I just… I heard the music and it's like my body lost control…”

 

“Mysterious…” the brothers said in unison. “Terribly mysterious.”

 

“That was weird,” Link sat up, feeling a bit queasy but otherwise none the worse for wear.

 

“Well, we won't be playing that tonight,” the first brother pulled the CD out of the boombox and twirled it around his finger. “You got anything you'd rather us play, Link-”

 

In a brief explosion of evil runic magic, Brother One had ripped his tunic off in one smooth motion and now stood in skintight red leather bodysuit. His hair flew every which way and disco lights from nowhere flashed across his body as from his lips burst an awful, awful sound…

 

“I'M ADDICTED TO YOU, AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE TOXIIIIC! OH, I LOVE WHAT YOU DO AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE TOXIIIC!” Brother One grabbed his crotch and danced like a stripper for a good five seconds before in another flash of dark magic, he reappeared in his normal clothes, unconscious on the ground.

 

The other two brothers glanced from their own to Link, who had collapsed to the ground vomiting blood and gagging at the first sign of the music.

 

“Huh. Are you okay, Link-”

 

“ALL YOU PEOPLE CAN'T YOU SEE, CAN'T YOU SEE?! HOW YOURLOVE'S AFFECTING OUR REALITY! EVERY TIME WE'RE DOWN—YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT! AND THAAAAT MAAAAAKES YOU LAAAARGEEEER THAN-”

 

The second brother had no choice but to look on in horror as his third brother collapsed in a burst of dark magic, and Link's head began to spin around as his nose bled.

 

“Hey, Number Two!” one of the twins said curiously as she walked by. “What's wrong with Link-”

 

“SOMETIMES I RUN! SOMETIMES… SOMETIMES I HIDE! SOMETIME'S I'M SCARED! BUT ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO HOLD YOU TIIIIIIIIGHT—”

 

A blood vessel burst in Link's forehead and he lost bladder control.

 

“Hey, WHOA, what's going on here?!” Mido stomped out of his house nearby. “What's going on with Link-”

 

“PAYNO MIND TO WHATTHEY SAY! IN THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, AY-AY-AYYYY! OUR LIPS ARE SEAAALED!”

 

Link rolled in the grass, screaming and crying at the top of his lungs and digging through his pockets for a sharp object to stab into his forehead and release the sweet, sweet pain.

 

“Somebody go get Saria! THERE BE SOME WHACKED-OUT CRAP GOIN' ON!” the second brother shrilled, throwing his hands over his head and running away screaming.

 

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Saria was the only one of the Kokiri who had never at any time partaken in the daily ass-kickings that Link had grown up subjected to. She was his best friend and wise beyond her ten-year-old appearance. She saw herself as the supportive sister of all the Kokiri and did her best to help them all get along with each other. In particular, though, she cared about Link and his safety, a character trait that many authors confuse with a desire to get into his pants. Conveniently, Saria was also the Sage of the Forest and worked together with the Great Deku Tree to watch over the forest and make sure things ran smoothly. Kind of like a secretary.

 

Link was laid out on her bed as she placed a cool washcloth on his forehead, her own forehead crinkled with worry for her friend's health and safety. Her Sage powers could already detect some kind of evil magic. It oozed out of every inch of his body. Either Link had used way too much aftershave this morning… or there were dark forces at work here.

 

“Tell me what happened,” Saria said calmly as she turned around. The three Know-It-All-Brothers were sitting on a bench across the room, two of them woozily sipping cups of water and one of them trembling like he'd watched a creepy little girl and some dead animals on a videotape and now had only seven days to live.

 

“Well, we were setting up for the barbecue, see,” the trembling brother spoke up. “We brought out the boombox and we hit play, and Jiminy left his horrid Britney Spears mix in it again, so this song started playing, right?”

 

“Right,” Saria nodded, taking careful notes in her head.

 

“And we're all like, `Whoa, gross' and we look over and L- … I mean… HE looks like he's just chugged a bottle of Drain-o. Foaming at the mouth, twitching all over, choking, screaming, sweating… it was awful!”

 

“Okay.” Saria raised an eyebrow.

 

“And then anytime somebody said his name… they… th-they turned into pop music stars…” the second brother sobbed into his hands and the other two consoled him.

 

Saria frowned in deep thought and turned to glance across the room at her bedridden friend, breathing deeply but tossing fitfully as he slept off the after-effects of… whatever it was.

 

“Obviously, something is very wrong here. I think I should tell the other Sages after he wakes up,” she exposited to herself, pursing her lips.

 

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Meanwhile, deep in a dream, Link was visited by a prophecy.

 

Prophecies have taken on many different forms and meanings throughout history. Some civilizations spent years and years chronicling and carefully recording the movements of the sun, the moon and the stars to create elaborate calendars that could predict the future. In renaissance times, the arts of palm and tarot-card reading developed and spread across the world. Other people turned to tea leaves, crystal balls, pee, entrails, and shrieking soothsayers to tell them what was going on in their lives.

 

In Hyrule, prophecies most often took on the form of dreams, and usually happened to Princess Zelda. However, it wasn't completely unheard of for even the common man to have a shiny prophecy being appear in your dream and drone on and on about some terrible event in the future, metaphorically of course.

 

This particular prophecy was named Angelique. She was a tall, stunningly beautiful glowing elf-woman who was in no way based on Galadriel from Lord of the Rings. Angelique's beautiful, ankle-length raven Herbal Essence hair rippled beautifully in the sunlight, despite having been dragged through dirt, twigs, and other forest refuse during her travels. Her skin was well-moisturized and gave off a healthy glow, fine and unmarked as porcelain and white as Liquid Paper. Her lips were red as blood, or rubies, or a first-grader's tongue after you've given them an entire roll of Wild Cherry Lifesavers. Her emerald green eyes shone with all the viridian of a leaf, and contained within them many sparkles and glints that spoke of her vast knowledge of all things. They were greener than the reader's face after hearing that nauseatingly purple description.

 

However suspicious her looks, though, the author would like to underline multiple times that Angelique was IN NO WAY, BY ANY MEANS, BASED ON THE AUTHOR. Nope. Nu-uh. Not even a little bit. Where would you get a stupid idea like that? OMG, IF U DONT LIEKIT DONT READ IIIIIT!!!!11!NO FLAMZ PLZ!1!11!!111!

 

Angelique gazed at Link distantly as he approached her in his dream, her sparkling white robes wrapping around her in the inexplicable dream wind.

 

“Who are you?” he shouted.

 

Angelique replied in an ethereal, italic voice. “A PROPHECY, HERO OF TIME / COME TO WARN YOU OF GANON'S CRIME.”

 

Link coughed briefly. “Okay. Um… what is it?”

 

“GANONDORF'S ESCAPED FROM THE SACRED REALM / AN EVIL PLOT HE NOW DOES HELM / HE AND HIS DAUGHTER HAVE SPUN A CURSE / THAT WILL MAKE STOPPING HIM MUCH WORSE,” Angelique moaned blankly.

 

“A curse?! What kind of curse!?” Link gasped in horror.

 

“WHOEVER THE HERO OF TIME'S NAME DOES SPEAK / THE CURSE SHALL ENVELOPE AND MAKE THEM WEAK / TO RESIST THE POWER OF THE MUSIC OF POP / THE SOUND OF WHICH SHALL MAKE YOU DROP.”

 

There was a long moment of silence before Link spoke again. “… Excuse me?” He attempted to clear the earwax from his ear with his pinky finger as he regarded Angelique's extremely vague speech with a raised eyebrow. “Could you repeat that, please?”

 

“WHENEVER THE NAME OF LINK IS SPOKE / AS THOUGH THE SPEAKER'S WILL HAS BROKE / THE MUSIC OF DEATH SHALL RISE FROM THEIR THROAT / EVERYONE IN HYRULE IS IN THE SAME BOAT,” Angelique exposited eerily, waving her hands like a new age artist.

 

Link glanced at his shoes, then back at the mystically glowing self-insertion. “Okay. Sorry, one more time for me there.”

 

“DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND MY WORDS? / YOU ARE ALL TRAPPED LIKE HELPLESS BIRDS / UNDER THIS CURSE FROM GANONDORF'S HAND / THAT POISONS YOU AND ALL THE LAND!” Angelique hissed, her eyes glowing with mystical metaphor power.

 

“Okay… that's enough!” Link finally snapped, waving his hands. “Look, Lady, I don't know if you're the worst poet in the history of the world or if you're just trying to make the words rhyme so it gives off some kind of mystical image here, but in the process of your god-awful rhyming you are completely bungling the meaning of every sentence. It's like I'm listening to an instructional videotape read by a beatnik poet who's stoned off his ass! I can't understand a word you're saying!”

 

“LISTEN TO ME YOU HELPLESS FOOL! / WE JUST LEARNED POETRY AT SCHOOL!” Angelique snarled viciously, pointing at him with an angry finger. “I SPEAK THE FATE OF ALL HYRULE! / SO LISTEN UP, AND… UM… UH…”

 

“`Don't be cruel'?” Link suggested.

 

“YEAH, THAT WORKS!” Angelique snapped her fingers and nodded.

 

“Can you please stop trying to rhyme and just explain to me what's going on?” Link twiddled his fingers hopefully.

 

“OH, FINE,” Angelique tossed her head, sending her shampoo model hair flying in all directions. An unearthly white light surrounded her as she burst into a long spree of exposition. “LISTEN UP. GANONDORF HAS ESCAPED FROM HIS PRISON IN THE SACRED REALM! NOW HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLOT THAT WILL PLUNGE ALL OF HYRULE IN HIS WICKED DARKNESS FOREVER!”

 

“A-GAIN?!” Link groaned.

 

“HE'S ALREADY CAPTURED THE CASTLE, DISPOSED OF PRINCESS ZELDA AND PUT INTO MOTION HIS PLAN TO CAPTURE THE SAGES. HE IS PLANNING TO TAKE ALL OF THE SAGES PRISONER AND USE THEM TO CREATE A GIANT RAY GUN TO SHOOT HIS DARK POWER ALL ACROSS THE PLANET AND NOT JUST THE LAND OF HYRULE.”

 

“Uh huh,” Link was taking notes in the Spiral Notebook of Time.

 

“HE HAS ALSO CAST A DREADFUL, TERRIBLE CURSE ON YOU. A CURSE SO BAD, IT IS CLASSIFIED AS AN SGCI.”

 

“Dammit all,” Link cursed (*rimshot!*), kicking the invisible prophetic dream ground. “I HATE those.”

 

“WITH THE FIRST PART OF HIS CURSE, THE NAM'D CURSE, HE HAS INSTILLED WITHIN YOU A DEEP, HELLISHLY ADVERSE REACTION TO POP MUSIC. YOU MUST HAVE NOTICED WHAT IT DOES TO YOU. EACH TIME YOU HEAR POP MUSIC, YOUR BODY WILL GO HAYWIRE WITH ALL SORTS OF PAINFUL, NASTY REACTIONS LIKE THAT. THEY WILL BECOME MORE SEVERE DEPENDING ON THE ARTIST WHOSE SONG YOU HEAR.”

 

“Well, that explains a lot,” Link shrugged. Being a Hero of Time, Link had learned that you simply could not let things surprise you anymore. Literally anything could happen in this business. Part of being an effective Legendary Hero was pretending that it didn't bother you when you are attacked out of nowhere by a giant mutant something-or-other, even if it's something like a popsicle stick or a hot dog. You also couldn't be surprised when as a result of a curse, you ended up transforming into some kind of inhuman creature or in this case, fell to the ground screaming and choking on your own vomit.

 

“BUT THERE IS ANOTHER PART TO THIS DREADFUL, UNSPEAKABLY EVIL CURSE… THE REASON IT IS CALLED THE NAM'D CURSE IS BECAUSE IT AFFECTS YOUR VERY NAME. AS PUNISHMENT, ANYBODY WHO SAYS YOUR NAME WILL BE TEMPORARILY TRANSFORMED INTO A POP SINGER. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, THAT IS GOING TO BE EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS FOR YOUR HEALTH. WOE AND BEWARE THE NAM'D CURSE, LINK… YOU MUST'NT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME EXPOSED TO POP MUSIC. THE LONGER YOU ARE AROUND THIS FILTHY, VILE POISON, THE MORE IT WILL DARKEN YOUR SOUL AND DEVOUR YOU FROM WITHIN LIKE A MOUSE SEALED IN BOX OF PEANUTS. IF YOU DO NOT JOURNEY TO FIND THE CURE FOR THIS CURSE, OR IF YOU DO NOT DEFEAT GANONDORF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, I FEAR THAT THE NAM'D CURSE WILL CLAIM YOUR LIFE.”

 

“OH GREAT AND MIGHTY PROPHECY!” Link sobbed on his knees, clinging to the bottom of her shiny robes. “What must I do to stop this catastrophe?! How can I stop Ganondorf this time?! How will I ever defeat this curse upon my name!? WHAT MUST I DO?!”

 

“YOU MUST WARN THE SAGES OF THE IMMINENT DANGER THEY ARE IN! IF THEY REMAIN UNAWARE OF GANONDORF'S PLANS, THEY WILL BE VULNERABLE AND HE WILL CAPTURE THEM FASTER THAN A BULLY CAPTURES LUNCH MONEY FROM THAT KID NAMED MELVILLE!” Angelique wailed dramatically, trembling in her severe overacting.

 

Link blinked. “Wow. That doesn't sound all that hard.”

 

“MEANWHILE, YOU MUST FIND THE WHEREABOUTS OF PRINCESS ZELDA! SHE TOO, HAS BEEN CURSED BY THE EVIL KING, AND YOU MUST FIND HER AND PROTECT HER AND FIND A WAY TO FREE HER FROM HER TERRIBLE-BUT-SLIGHTLY-LESS HORRIFIC-THAN-YOURS CURSE!” Angelique continued.

 

“Do you know where she is?” Link queried.

 

“YES.”

 

“Can't you just tell me?”

 

“NO.”

 

“Well,” Link mumbled. “Still doesn't sound all that hard. Usually I've got temples and fetch quests to do along with all that generalized `SAVE ZELDA' stuff.”

 

“ALSO, YOU MUST FIND THE MYSTICAL OBJECT OF FATE!” Angelique went on.

 

“The what?”

 

“THE MYSTICAL OBJECT OF FATE. IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN FREE YOU FROM THIS CRUEL CURSE OF GANONDORF'S.”

 

“Oh. Okay. Still…” Link chewed on the end of his Pencil of Time. This was still a pretty easy mission compared to all the crap he usually had to do. It was usually “Gather the Six Sage Medallions from the Temples Laden with Horrible Danger!” or “Collect Masks to Help You Free the Guardian Giant Gods from where they are Imprisoned in the Temples Laden with Horrible Danger!”, or even the dreaded “Find Little Tiny Pieces of the Triforce of ________, Scattered All Across the Land in Temples Laden with Horrible Danger!”. Once again, it involved running around Hyrule and stabbing things with a sword until they were dead, but that was the part of the job Link loved the most.

 

And to think of it! No bloody…

 

“THE MYSTICAL OBJECT OF FATE HAS BEEN BROKEN INTO SIX PIECES AND SCATTERED ACROSS THE LAND, HIDDEN DEEP WITHIN THE TEMPLES…”

 

“DAMMIT!” Link snarled, snapping his fingers. “You couldn't have just left it at warning the Sages, could you?”

 

“HEY, SORRY… OH. I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO WAKE UP. ANYWAY! NOW YOU KNOW OF YOUR DESTINY! YOUR DEEEESTINNYYYYYYY!”

 

“Yeah, yeah…” Link sighed, briefly angsting over the horrible things his name now did to people.

 

“HERO OF TIME, YOU AND YOU ALONE / CAN MAKE THINGS RIGHT AS A BLUEBERRY SCONE…”

 

Short silence. “What did I say about the rhyming?” Link snapped, pointing at her.

 

“JUST TRYING IT ON. JEEEZ.”

 

----------------------------------------------

Link awoke with a start a few seconds later, tossing the washcloth from his forehead and sweating like a pig. “SAGES!” he burst out.

 

Saria had been sitting at the end of the bed, and she looked instantly relieved to see him awake. “Oh, thank Farore! Are you all right, L-”

 

“NOOO!” Link leapt forward and quickly covered Saria's mouth with his hand, shivering at the near-miss. “Y-you can't say it! Don't say my name! It's too horrible!”

 

Blinking confusedly, Saria continued speaking from beneath the palm of Link's hand. “WHAHGHGHMNGNGHG?”

 

“I've had a vision, Saria… I have seen a prophecy!” Link leapt to his feet and gestured in the general direction of the wall, and presumably the horizon beyond. “You and the other Sages are in grave danger! All of Hyrule is in grave danger! I am the only one who can stop it!”

 

“Again?” she expressed very little surprise at this news.

 

“Yes. Again,” Link murmured under his breath, eyes shifting right and left. “Listen to me, Saria… we're all in a lot of trouble! Ganondorf has returned to Hyrule!”

 

“Again?” this didn't come as much of a shock either.

 

“Yes! AGAIN!” Link pounded a fist into an open palm. “He is plotting to kidnap you Sages and hook you together in a giant ray gun to fire his evil magic out across the world! He's already gotten Nabooru and Impa, and it's only a matter of time before he comes for the rest of you!”

 

Saria clasped her hands together Mary-Sueishly and moaned. “Oh no! What are we going to do?”

 

“Well, my guess is that you Sages will stand around like bumps on a log, offering useless advice and giving me fetch quests to do, while I'll go out and get my ass kicked by every monster from here to Termina and probably die several times in the dark depths of a stinking dungeon,” Link shrugged.

 

“Oh. Sounds good to me,” Saria also shrugged. Always good to follow the norm.

 

“I must get going immediately!” Link said mostly to himself, leaping to his feet and heading out the door.

 

“But you can't go just yet!” Saria shrieked, tugging on his tunic. “You're not ready!”

 

He snapped his fingers. “Yes! You're right, Saria! I must go to my house and prepare my stacks and stacks of weapons!”

 

“No, not that!” Saria wailed, tossing her arms around as though she were not exceptionally smart for her age and more mature than that. “There's something else you have to take before you leave!”

 

“What?” asked Link.

 

“Something else… Meet me in our secret place in the Lost Woods. There's something I have to give you before you leave!” Saria whispered.

 

“What else do I need before I leave?” Link asked curiously.

 

“Meet me in our secret place in the Lost Woods. There's something I have to give you before you leave!” Saria whispered again.

 

“Saria, just tell me.”

 

“Meet me in our secret place in the Lost Woods. There's something I have to give you before you leave!” Saria whispered again.

 

Link regarded her with a raised eyebrow. “Oh God. You're speaking game dialogue again.”

 

“Meet me in our secret place in the Lost Woods. There's something I have to give you before you leave!”

 

“Can't you just give it to me NOW? Do we really have to go through all this cryptic crap?” Link groaned, smacking himself in the forehead.

 

“Meet me in our secret place in the Lost Woods. There's something I have to give you before you leave!” Saria whispered again.

 

“DAMMIT!” Link kicked the door frame. “Fine! Fine, you just… I'll see you there, okay?”

 

“HOW MANY BLOODY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT IT BEFORE YOU REMEMBER, DUMBASS?! Meet me in our secret place in the Lost Woods. There's something I have to give you before you leave!” Saria whispered again.

 

“Pardon?” Link leaned his head back in the doorway.

 

“Meet me in our secret place in the Lost Woods. There's something I have to give you before you leave!” Saria whispered.

 

-----------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the Sacred Realm, Rauru the Sage of Light was floating around aimlessly.

 

Not that you could really blame him, though. He had so little introduction in Ocarina of Time it was tough for any author to really nail down exactly what the old guy was like, where he actually lived and whether or not the entire course of his life was spent standing there on the yellow seal in the Chamber of the Sages, waiting for Legendary Heroes to accidentally lock themselves in or other such nonsense.

 

Currently, Rauru was sending out a signal to the other Five Sages, a strong, psychic Sagely signal that would summon them to the Sacred Realm. Say that ten times fast.

 

But Rauru was a bit disturbed by the fact that he could only seem to reach three of his fellow Sages. The Sages of Shadow and Spirit were not receiving the call, nor answering it.

 

“Puzzling,” he said to nobody in particular, because that's what elderly Sages who live alone in a magical dimension do. “What has happened to Lady Impa and Lady Nabooru to stop them from hearing the beckoning call of the Sacred Realm?”

 

Unbeknownst to Rauru, Impa and Nabooru were currently indisposed by means of being chained up several million times by the most evil of magic inside their respectful temples, at the very back end, guarded by horrifically demonic creatures and currently dozing in an eternal sleep. That should have been his first guess, however, because it happened so damn often there was just no excuse for continually being ignorant of what was going on.

 

“I fear that Ganondorf has escaped from the Sacred Realm again,” Rauru said obviously. For being a mystical all-knowing Sage who actually LIVED in the Sacred Realm, Rauru was something of a dolt. “Who knows what sort of terrible evil he has unleashed upon our peaceful land of Hyrule? I must contact Princess Zelda immediately!”

 

With a flutter of a thought, the Sacred Realm turned from a giant floaty white space into a majestic stone hallway that connected with the Temple of Time. Rauru could do that. The Sacred Realm reflected the thoughts of whoever was inside it. When Rauru thought about lions, there were lions. When Rauru thought about obscure Ray Bradbury references, there were obscure Ray Bradbury references.

 

Of course Ganondorf must have escaped. The Sacred Realm was too quiet for him to still be within it. How could Rauru have missed the sudden disappearance of the constant maniacal laughter, the sudden absence of that chilling feeling of evil, the sudden lack of pornography constantly playing on all walls of the Realm?

 

Yes… Rauru's King of Evil roommate was definitely back in Hyrule again, a fact that had already been established multiple times to multiple people.

 

Rauru hurried down the Sacred Realm hallway on his way to the Chamber of Sages, where he could more clearly send out summons to Impa, Nabooru and the seventh Sage, Princess Zelda.

 

Or at least, he would have, had he not heard a suspicious blubbering noise from behind him.

 

Rauru slowed to a stop and turned to see the crumpled up form of a little girl in the middle of the hallway, crying and moaning helplessly. “Oh, oh, oh!” she sobbed melodramatically. “I'm lost! Lost forever!”

 

The elder Sage raised an eyebrow and took a few steps towards her. “What is a child such as yourself doing in the Sacred Realm, little girl?”

 

“I… I… I…” the girl sobbed, shivering pathetically and giving him puppy eyes that even he couldn't resist.

 

“Come, now. There's no need to be afraid, child. You must have accidentally wandered in from the Temple of Time, didn't you?” Rauru smiled softly and made a mental note to bitch out the souls of those shoddy Temple contractors. Always cutting corners, always using Generic Brand A when they should have used the real deal, always leaving convenient plot contriving holes in the Sacred Barriers.

 

“I'm scared, Mister!” the girl shivered again, shaking her head. “Where's my Mummy and Dad? Where are they, Mister?”

 

“They are back in Hyrule. Come, child. I shall lead you to the exit of the Sacred Realm,” Rauru leaned down to the child and held out his hand.

 

Moments later, he was sprawled across the floor unconscious with a nasty bump on the back of his head where an armored glove had slammed into him.

 

“Din, that couldn't have been EASIER,” Ganondorf snorted, tossing his red hippie hair cockily and crossing his arms. “What a tremendous dolt!”

 

“You think the Sage of Light would be a little smarter than that,” Genna huffed, brushing the Sacred Dust off her black parachute pants. “Great plan, Daddy!”

 

“Now,” Ganondorf lifted the chubby Sage by the back of the collar and noticeably winced from the weight, “What shall we do with him?”

 

“OOH OOH!” Genna leapt up and down, waving her hands spastically.

 

“Do you have a plan, Genna my dear?”

 

“LET'S FLAY HIM AND LET THE RATS EAT HIS SKIN AND PLANT MAGGOTS ALL OVER HIS BARE BODY UNTIL THEY DEVOUR HIM INSIDE AND OUT AND HE BEGS FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH AT OUR HANDS WHICH WE CONSTANTLY DENY HIM UNTIL HE GOES MAD AND THEN WE KILL HIM IN THE MOST PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE!”

 

Ganondorf blinked. “God, Genna. That's disgusting.”

 

Genna looked very hurt. “D-Daddy, it's this song I have on my iPod…”

 

“Where in the world could you have gotten such insatiable bloodlust?” Ganondorf twitched. “Must be from your mother's side… No, no, we can't do anything like that to him. I say we chain him up in the Temple of Time, except we expand the basement into a tremendous dungeon level that somebody would have to be totally insane to go inside.”

 

“You never let me have any fun, Daddy!” Genna pouted, crossing her arms and huffing. She turned on her heels and stomped towards the exit of the Sacred Realm, sobbing.

 

“Oh jeez… Genna, darling, Daddy didn't mean it!” Ganondorf yelled to her as he dragged Rauru out. “Genna! Stop this at once! Cease your endless preteen angst! Daddy will take you out for lunch if you do!”

 

----------------------------------------

Link stood before the Forest Temple, dressed to kill in his favorite green tunic, tights and hat. Strapped to his back was the Legendary Master Sword and the Mirror Shield (Neat Ocarina of Time version, not Creepy Majora's Mask version). Tucked away either in a dimensional portal behind his shield or up his ass was his arsenal of deadly weapons, ranging in size and deadliness from the Hookshot to the Biggoron's Sword, from the Deku Nut to the Megaton Hammer.

 

Saria was seated on a tree stump just outside the temple, and she stood up as soon as he came into the clearing. “I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time…” she overacted like hell.

 

“I followed you here. You've been sitting on that tree stump for the last five minutes,” Link reminded her.

 

“… Oh yeah. Anyway! L-” she caught herself just in time. “I mean… Hero of Time! I won't let you just wander off to save the world without proper preparations! Ganondorf's curse upon you is dreadful, to say the least, and we have to take precautions to keep it from devouring your soul from within.”

 

“I never said anything about it devouring my soul from within. That was in my dream. How did you know that?” Link asked curiously.

 

Saria blinked for a moment. “In any case… I think you ought to change your appearance so that people you know don't accidentally set off your curse.”

 

“Change my appearance?” Link glanced sadly at the tunic and tights ensemble he was so fond of. “But I always fight evil in these clothes! Even when getting me to do so takes an extremely awkward plot contrivance!”

I'm looking at YOU, Wind Waker!

 

“I know,” Saria looked solemn, “But we can't have people calling you by your real name or else you might… die. So I brought a few things I think might help you out.”

 

Link looked on in awe as Saria removed from literally nowhere a large brown cardboard box sealed with shipping tape. She tore open the flaps and smiled at Link.

 

“I bought this on eBay when I heard about your curse. It should work as a disguise for you, and no one will call your name while you wear it,” she said as she handed it to him.

 

DUN NUH NUH NUUUUUUUH!

 

Link got the EXTRANEOUS BELT OF TETSUYA NOMURA!
This belt is actually made of about eight belts! Wear them and you'll look like the main character from a recent Final Fantasy game! Your appearance will change just enough so that nobody should mistake you for L- oh, sorry.

Link donned the Extraneous Belt and glanced at Saria again. “Well… how does it look?”

 

“Oh, that's a good start!” Saria hopped up and down excitedly. “But you have to turn it on for it to work.”

 

“Oh… like this?” Link pressed a convenient switch on the buckle of the largest belt.

 

Within seconds, Link looked different. Belts criss-crossed his torso at every available spot, making him look like he'd fallen into a closet and managed to struggle free after six weeks of eating mothballs for sustenance. His hair was a bit spikier than normal, and his hat was inexplicably strapped to his shoulder rather than on his head. A sullen glare decorated his face, as did a scar that made him about ten times sexier. A nametag on his chest proudly proclaimed him to be “Smog”.

 

“Why the heck am I wearing my hat on my shoulder?” Link glanced at it with a raised eyebrow.

 

“It's… edgy, or something. You look great! I'd hardly recognize you if you weren't the only adult in the world who wears a green tunic and tights!” Saria commented, eyeing the unchanged aspects of his wardrobe. “The uneven tight lengths are a nice touch. And `Smog'. That's a great pseudonym!”

 

“Can't I be like… `Cloud', or `Squall'? Or `Gale'?” Link whined.

 

“Nah. I think `Smog' works pretty well. I'll call you that until your curse is broken!” Saria giggled brainlessly.

 

“Well, thank you, Saria,” Link nodded solemnly. “Was that all?”

 

“Oh, no. One more thing. I don't trust you out on your own, so I've asked a few of my fairy's friends if they wouldn't mind accompanying you on your journey,” Saria said proudly, waving her hands like a Barker Beauty. Four little fairies fluttered down from a nearby tree, standing before him and flapping their wings proudly.

 

“Do I really need a fairy? I think I'm a bit old for a fairy…”

 

“Oh, just pick one out. They're very helpful! Isn't it nice to know what it is you're killing?” Saria pressured. “Which one would you like?”

 

“Well, um… What are they like?”

 

“Well, Fairy Number One's name is Yuki,” Saria motioned to the fairy in question, who spun around gleefully. “She enjoys moonlit walks by the lake, margaritas and Chinese food.”

 

“I'm a fairy!” Yuki said proudly. “Saria is a Kokiri and you are a Hylian!”

 

Link blinked. “Uh… huh.”

 

“She kind of states the obvious sometimes,” Saria admitted, shrugging a bit.

 

“Look! There is GRASS on the ground!” Yuki gasped in awe.

 

“But she's really nice! And she knows a lot about monsters and things, just like a fairy is supposed to!”

 

“The sky is blue!” Yuki buzzed up to Link and stated matter-of-factly. “And your clothes are green! Like GRASS!”

 

“Next please,” he said quickly.

 

“Okay. Fairy Number Two is named Rika. She likes watching football, beer, and pretzels. She's a guy's dream fairy!”

 

Rika fluttered there in the air, just staring at them for a few seconds.

 

“Rika is one of those fairies who knows a lot but doesn't always say it… and she's very fiery,” Saria pointed out.

 

“Oh. So she's a bitch?” Link asked.

 

“F*CK OFF, F*CKER,” Rika said sharply.

 

“That's not very nice, Rika,” Saria scolded. “Why don't you tell Link about the Forest Temple? Y'know, like a test drive?”

 

“What's there to know?” Rika snarked. “It's a f*cking temple, with a f*cking forest inside. God, you're stupid.”

 

“How about Number Three?” Link stepped away from Rika with a casual grin on his face.

 

“This is Puki,” Saria motioned at the third fairy, who was flying a bit lower than the others.

 

“Puke-y?”

 

“No, no, it's pronounced `POO-KEY',” Saria corrected. “She's a bit moodier than the other two.”

 

“I am a boy,” Puki said in a low, dead sort of voice.

 

“She also constantly swears that she is a boy. But you'll get used to that,” Saria shrugged.

 

“Why won't you people ever listen to me? I am a BOY. I am MALE. I have the Fairy Y chromosome. I am from Fairy Mars. I am a MAN!” Puki sighed heavily, as though he were very tired of explaining it to people. “Just because I'm a fairy doesn't mean I'm a girl!”

 

“Then why is your name Puki?” Link asked him.

 

“My mother was very vindictive,” Puki sighed.

 

“Isn't she cute?” Saria giggled.

 

“I'm going to kill you with a hatchet,” Puki said plainly, glancing at her with a tiny look of absolute hatred.

 

“How about Fairy Number Four?” Link examined the fourth fairy closely.

 

“That's not a fairy. It's a tennis ball,” Saria explained.

 

“Oh. Does it know about monsters?”

 

“No. It's a tennis ball. It bounces against things and people hit it with rackets.”

 

“Uh… huh…” Link eyed the tennis ball with a nod. “And does it talk back?”

 

“No. It's incapable of speech. It's a tennis ball. I actually don't know how it got here with the other fairies,” Saria blinked.

 

“I see. Well… considering all the evidence,” Link eyed the three fairies and the tennis ball, “I'm going to have to go with Fairy Number Four.”

 

“The tennis ball?”

 

“Yep. The tennis ball.”

 

“Smog, you can't take the tennis ball,” Saria looked vexed.

 

“Okay, fine. Puki, you're coming with me, man,” Link stuck the tennis ball in his hammerspace backpack as the third, pink fairy came rushing over to him, gently embracing his arm.

 

“Oh thank you. Thank you,” Puki sobbed.

 

“There, there,” Link patted the fairy gently on he shoulder. “Now, we'd best be heading off to save the world!”

 

“Good luck, L- Smog!” Saria's eyes watered girlishly as she hugged him around the waist. “Please be careful!”

 

“You be careful too, Saria,” Link warned her. “Ganondorf is kidnapping Sages right and left. You've got to watch out for yourself. I'm heading to Hyrule Castle to see what's been going on there, and after that I'll head to Kakariko Village to warn Impa, then up Death Mountain to speak to Darunia.”

 

“Sounds like the first few hours of gameplay to me!” Saria grinned, hugging him tightly again. “Goodbye, Smog!”

 

“Goodbye Saria!” Link waved dramatically as he turned and sped off into the inexplicable sunset, Puki close behind.

 

“Oh, this is gonna be great, Smog,” Puki's eyes watered as they ran together. “You know my last charge was a girl? GOD. All she did was whine, whine, whine, `Puki, I'm not pretty! Tell me I'm pretty, Puki, please!' This is gonna be so cool! We can check out babes together and stuff… it'll rock.”

 

“Are you really a boy?” Link raised his eyebrow.

 

There was a short moment of silence.

 

“Puki?”

 

“YES I'M A BOY OKAY!?”

 

------------------------------------------

 

Saria… Saria…

 

“What?” Saria turned around towards the Forest Temple.

 

We have free ice cream.

 

“FREE ICE CREAM?! Oh boy!” Saria quickly climbed the tree out front and hopped down on the temple balcony, pausing just before she entered. “Hey, wait a minute… are you sure you have free ice cream? Or are you just saying that to get me to come inside so that you can kidnap me and strap me into a giant Sage ray gun that'll suck my power dry and spread evil all over the world?”

 

Uh… no, of course not.

 

“Oh. Good,” she nodded astutely before strolling into the temple and disappearing for most of the rest of the story.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------

IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: MYSTICAL OBJECT OF FATE!

 

Link finds out that ONCE AGAIN, HE IS TOO LATE TO STOP ANY DAMAGE FROM BEING DONE!

 

Zelda FEEBLY ATTEMPTS TO HELP LINK, IN WHAT WILL PROBABLY BE A MOVE SHE'LL LATER REGRET!

 

Some more Sages IDIOTICALLY FALL INTO GANONDORF'S TRAP!

 

Ganondorf DOES SOME MORE EVIL STUFF!

 

And Genna GETS HER BELLYBUTTON PIERCED, MUCH TO THE DISMAY OF HER FATHER!

 

Sounds like you've read it all before? YOU PROBABLY HAVE!