Fan Fiction ❯ The Sparrow's Burden ❯ Forget Her ( Chapter 8 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Fulawkam 
As Raven attempts to push her away, Starfire comes to understand Raven's motives.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.07.2005 | Pages: 5 | Words: 4.4K | Visits: 216 | Status: Completed
As Raven attempts to push her away, Starfire comes to understand Raven's motives.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.07.2005 | Pages: 5 | Words: 4.4K | Visits: 216 | Status: Completed
The Sparrow’s Burden
8
She could not recall a time when she had been more wrong. It had been a week
since the destruction of the lizard monster. Robin’s arm had healed from his
confrontation with Sparrow, but Raven had not. In fact, she was far worse.
Although she successfully avoided Starfire’s company, Raven’s love for her did
not subside. Raven found herself involuntarily gazing at her from a distance. She stayed
awake yearning for her. The brief periods she slept, her dreams were only of the girl she
secretly held so dear. The unattainable visions of the two of them being together were
torture on Raven’s troubled mind. Every morning brought more weight and anguish than
Raven felt she could deal with. So consequently, she had stopped sleeping altogether.
Even Raven’s meditation could not heal her, for she lost the ability to do so.
Every time she tried to clear her mind, she saw Starfire. There was no focus anywhere
else, and had to awaken before she began to fall apart. Raven had never gone more than a
few days without meditation, and she could only begin to guess what a mess her mental
state was in.
Starfire, it seemed, was doing fine. She had fallen into the net of the boys, and
almost seemed to forget about Raven. Raven was sure seeing Starfire happy would help
her own healing, but it only added to her sadness by adding to her dark curiosity.
Countless “what if” questions surfaced in Ravens’ mind. If things were different, could
the two girls be together? Could Starfire ever see Raven as more than just a friend? If
Raven could not give her love to Starfire, could she give it to another? Would she want
to? They were questions that would never be answered, not fully.
What pained Raven more than watching Starfire from a distance was sharing and
rejecting her pleas for amends. These had seemed to subside in recent days, but in the
time following the battle, Starfire had attempted to reconcile with Raven many times.
Doing things like hugging her, helping her with chores, and writing some terrible sonnets
of forgiveness. The hugs were blocked, the help was rejected, and the poems were
thrown out. Raven did so with the most tactless attitude she could muster, but secretly,
she cherished every touch and every sheet of paper Starfire gave to her, as bad as the
writing was. Raven stopped emptying out her trash can because it had become her
forbidden treasure chest.
Knowing only rejection, Starfire never grew angry with Raven. She did not even
appear irritated, her reactions were of optimism that her next attempt would be better.
This did not help Ravens’ cause in the slightest, and she waited for the day Starfire would
finally have enough and give up. Although she seemed to be running out of ideas, Raven
knew it would be a long time before Starfire admitted defeat.
The pain within Raven had grown into something else. As she began to accept
that she and Starfire would never be able to share more than they had now, Raven felt
empty. Numb.
No, it was more than empty. Raven had lost her purpose. Her motivation for
fighting or even getting up in the morning had withered away. Now Raven not only
stayed in her room, she stayed in her bed, even though no sleep came to her. Raven
began to miss combat practice, she missed meals, her skin grew even more pale from the
lack of sunlight. There was nothing for her.
She did not even see the other Titans enough to know if they were concerned
about her. They knew better than to disturb Raven in her room, and since they saw her
from time to time heading to the bathroom or laundry room, they saw that she was
physically fine.
It was now late into the evening and the team was at a show. “Attack of the
Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons” had been a movie Cyborg and Beast Boy
were hounding the others to see. They had asked Raven to join them, but like all outings
in the past week, she politely declined from behind her closed door.
Raven walked about the darkened hallways of Titan’s Tower, taking advantage of
the brief time where there was no danger of seeing the girl who made her heart jump.
Raven wondered what Starfire was thinking right now. Was she having fun? Perhaps she
was laughing at something in the movie. Perhaps something had startled her and she now
buried her face into a nearby shoulder. Was she thinking of whom she left behind?
Maybe...
Raven walked through the doorway into the lounge. She stopped. It was so
unbearably quiet. Only a few lights were on, the TV and stereo system quietly hung in
lack of duty. Raven hated the quiet. There was nothing to drown her thoughts, and her
thoughts drifted. They wandered to where they always did, but this time, they seemed
louder.
Starfire, she was laughing. Sitting on the sofa, her eyes drifted to and from the
blank TV. She was not just sitting, she was interacting with someone. Talking without
care to a girl beside her. The girl closed the tiny gap between them as she too spoke, and
Raven saw herself with total clarity. Starfire laughed once more, and lowered the mood
when she rested her head on Raven’s shoulder. Raven felt every fiber of her hair, smelt
the sweet vanilla-raspberry of her shampoo, and even quivered at the gentle breaths
rolling off her chest. She turned her head only slightly to see the beautiful girl, her eyes
were closed. Ravens’ cheeks flushed and her lips twitched with longing. Flexing them
ever so softly, she brought them to press against the top of her love’s head.
But her kiss met nothing. Raven was still standing in the doorway. The
hallucination of Starfire ran its’ course and faded, and Raven returned to her unbearable
reality. The strain was too much, and she collapsed. Weeping as softly as she did with
all the other hallucinations, and never growing accustomed to the pain.
At the sound of a soft step, Raven shot her stiffened gaze behind her down the
dim hallway. There, not eight feet from her, stood her leader. “If you wanted to see the
movie so badly...” Robin said, seeing the tears.
“Robin?” She confirmed as she frantically wiped away the salty liquid on her
face. “I thought you guys were out.” Raven turned her face away from him, knowing that
her anguish could not be hidden so quickly.
“It sounded like a dumb movie,” he shrugged. “You know, they’re all still
waiting for me to come back with the snacks.”
Raven forced herself to laugh. Robin smiled with her and continued. “I’ve really
needed to talk with you for a while. I thought I should probably wait until you’re feeling
better, but it looks like . . .” Robin stopped short of stating the obvious, that Raven
seemed like her body was shutting down. “Remember Sparrow? That guy we fought on
the chapel?” Raven nodded. “I’m afraid he died last week.”
Raven looked at him as though she were surprised. “I was with him when it
happened, he did it to himself.” Raven did not need to act surprised learning that, her
shock came naturally. She figured Sparrow had been killed. “Look...” Robin was
searching for words, and Robin never had trouble with those. “He said some things about
you, things I know he knows. Raven, he was trying to warn me about you.”
“What..?”
“I’m not about to take his word over yours,” he assured. “But Raven, I know your
emotions are powerful. If you have something to tell me...”
“I’m fine,” Raven snapped. If she answered more gently, Robin might have let it
go, but he always seemed very in tune with psychological cover-ups.
“Really?” There was a pause as he observed Raven’s composure. “Why are you
crying, Raven?” Raven did not answer. “Why don’t we ever see you anymore?” Again,
no answer. Now becoming frustrated at her defiance, Robin unearthed what Raven
thought she hid so well. “What’s going on with you and Starfire?”
“Stop!” The sound of her name was sharp, and Raven cringed at it.
Robin held himself. He was getting both of them upset. “Missing meals is one
thing. Whatever’s happening with you, I can’t have it endangering the team. So talk
about it, or deal with it, Alright?”
Robin’s tone was of quiet reprimand, and if there was something Raven didn’t
like from her friends, it was a lecture. “Yes,” she fixed an icy glare at him, followed by
the word she knew Robin despised. “...Sir.”
The boy scowled and briskly turned to leave. Raven shook her head in regret.
Robin did not deserve that, she was taking out her repressed feelings on him, and he was
only doing his job. “Robin,” she called out. He turned around. Raven took her time with
her next word, making sure there was nothing but sincerity in her voice. “I’ll handle it.
You don’t need to worry about me or the others.”
Robin nodded, accepting her hidden apology. He continued on his exit path, but
was stopped once more by Raven calling his name.
Seeing him stare expectantly at her, Raven was not sure if she should withhold her
question. It was innocent enough, at least it would have been if it were about someone
else. But since she and Robin were the only ones here, she may not get another chance.
“...How’s Starfire doing?”
Robin did not seem to think about the answer at all. “She misses you,” he said,
and turned to leave. Raven wondered if she should ask more, like how Robin knew how
Starfire felt. Was Starfire talking about it? Hopefully she was, that would help her along.
But who was going to help Raven? She could not simply continue like this. The
door closing behind Robin was the last sound before Raven returned to silence, and her
doubts festered in her head once more. She thought of why Robin chose to see her alone.
Were his fears justified? Maybe Sparrow learned something about her she did not know,
or would not admit to. True, she could not meditate anymore, and that could mean
anything might happen. Raven had gone on the defensive with Robin simply because she
was not sure.
And what about Starfire? Raven’s feelings for her were only growing stronger,
and were beginning to drive her mad. Try as she did, she could not shut herself away
completely, and every time the two crossed paths, Raven’s love unearthed itself even
more. It would not be long before Starfire discovered the truth for herself, she was very
smart, and she was not going anywhere.
No, unless something happened, Starfire would always be near. Raven would
never get over her unless she did something drastic, something that would ensure she
never saw her love again.
*
Starfire continued to remove popcorn kernels from her hair as she flew from the
theatre. She now knew how unwise it was to hold a bucket full of light food morsels
when one is easily startled. The movie was not a film of relaxation, and not one she
particularly enjoyed.
She was now in flight back to the tower, without the accompaniment of Cyborg or
Beast Boy. Starfire thought it best, telling the boys the brisk wind would help clean the
greasy snacks from her hair and clothing. But within her was a desire to be alone. It was
not a wish that surfaced itself often, for she did not like being without those she cared for,
but it was one she often listened to.
It was not the cinema that had upset her, although it was fairly upsetting. Starfire
had gone with hopes of forgetting her recent distance with Raven, and now returned
disappointed. Closing her eyes and covering her ears through the entire show gave her
time to ponder. Raven was once a friend. No, she was more than that. The correct word
escaped Starfire, she was not even sure a proper English word existed. “Best friend” did
not seem true.
Friends came and went, even best friends. However, the thought of her life in the
absence of Raven was painful. Starfire had so much yet to tell her, things she felt she
could not tell Robin, whom she considered her “best friend”.
The night above the clouds made her think that someone else saw all the beauty of
the world as she did. Most humans, having grown from birth here, took such things for
granted, and could never understand how she saw them.
Not Raven. Raven was feeling exactly as she felt that night, as though everything
was new to her. Starfire saw it in her eyes and in her concealed tears. Although she hid it
well, Starfire had seen Raven beginning to weep just as Starfire had done her first night of
seeing the stars.
There were other incidents as well. Raven’s touch, it was so eager. Raven was
not an affectionate person, and when she answered Starfire’s touch with a soft touch of
her own, it was precious. It moved Starfire in a way that no physical contact from anyone
else could have. A stroke of the hand or a press on the shoulder was more intimate from
Raven as the deepest embrace or kiss from any other.
Starfire knew these things were so special because they came from Raven only to
her. What was puzzling was why Raven chose to share them with Starfire. Raven never
made contact with the other team members, never talked to them the way she talked to
Starfire. Then again, Starfire never talked to them the way she talked to Raven The two
shared something unspoken, something Starfire treasured.
But surely, Raven’s displays were better shared with one of more significance.
Such things were not easy to obtain, and Starfire knew that being a good friend would not
be enough to obtain them from Raven. They would be seen with a boy she had a
romantic interest in perhaps, one she would grow to love. Starfire did not meet this
criteria, nor could she.
Could she? Was she so certain what requirements one must possess to win
Raven’s love?
Starfire’s thoughts forced her to halt in the middle of her flight. Her mind had
been dancing with her troubles since the theatre, and now she nearly crossed the water to
Titan’s tower. The trip was one of deep thought, and with this seemingly outlandish idea,
some things began to make sense.
Why Raven shifted so dramatically, Starfire did not know. She did not know
many things about the girl. She knew, however, Raven considered unrestrained emotions
a hazard. Starfire was warned in her early days on the team to be cautious of what she
said and did around Raven, and had since seen many dire examples of what could happen
when she lost control.
But feelings are profound and complicated things. To store them or deny them
completely must have been a tremendous hardship. And what feeling was as powerful
and all consuming as love?
Starfire wondered; had Raven ever known love? Love changes people, Starfire
was fully aware. She knew what signs to observe because of her strong embracing of her
own emotions. She never thought of observing Raven, however. Perhaps Starfire could
remember of what she had seen in passing.
Raven had never spoken of one whom she loved, nor had she shown signs of
being in love.
Not until recently.
The understanding caused Starfire to both blush and gasp. Raven was in love, and
it was very likely with Starfire herself. Shock and embellishment filled Starfire, but to
her surprise, there came little discomfort. Though the two were of the same gender, such
a pairing was not unheard of on Tamaran, and especially not on Earth.
More importantly, the girl who loved her was Raven. The notion was not
displeasing, Starfire was certain she loved Raven also. She loved her as she loved the
other Titans or her close family. Starfire was slightly remorseful that she did not feel the
same way. It was likely not the same strength of emotion as Raven felt for her, and
would probably remain so.
The traumatic alteration in Ravens’ composure caused Starfire to think that
Ravens’ feelings were no more. Starfire had still not uncovered how she had wronged
Raven, but Ravens’ feelings seemed now of loathing. Starfire was kept at a significant
distance, which was not something people in love did to one another.
Those in love protected each other. They would sacrifice their happiness and their
lives for the other. It was what Raven was prepared to do against Mandibore. Was it
what she was doing now? If Raven’s emotions were as dangerous as she warned, then
unconfined love could be a catastrophe.
That was it. It must have been the answer Starfire sought. Raven denied her love
because she thought it may put Starfire at risk of harm. Starfire could not be certain, not
without speaking to Raven, but nothing else made sense.
Love could not be contained, not for long. Starfire knew this to be true and Raven
clearly did not. She never delt with being in love before, and Raven was dealing with it
the only way she knew how. There was no one to help her.
If only Starfire was right, Raven could be assisted with her burden. Starfire would
confront her with her suspicions when she reached the tower. The two girls would talk,
and everything would be set right.
Well, not everything. Starfire did not share Ravens’ feelings, and conveying that
to Raven would break her heart. But that matter was not Starfire’s primary concern at the
moment. It would be delt with in time.
Hope in her heart, Starfire continued on to Titans’ Tower.
*
Starfire was surprised but glad Raven was waiting for her on the helipad as she
landed. Raven was vailed under her hood, and did not move to greet the girl. She simply
lingered between Starfire and the door and waited for Starfire to come to her.
“Raven,” Starfire smiled, slowly closing the few meters that remained between
them. “It is good to see you outside of your room.”
Raven did not respond. She did not speak, she did not smile, she did not bat an
eye. Raven only continued to monitor Starfires’ walk. “Are you well?” Starfire asked.
At last, Raven answered, though it was not an answer Starfire wished to hear.
“No,” she said, still not moving a muscle. “Starfire, I need to tell you something.”
Starfire stopped within arms’ reach of Raven. She nodded in understanding, but
decided it best not to touch her yet. “I know...”
“I’m leaving the Teen Titans”
Starfire took a step back, feeling as though she had been struck in the abdomen.
This was not right. Had she heard correctly? Raven was quitting? No. She could not
leave, she could not flee from this.
Raven did not move, her unpleasant surprise had been delivered with no emotion,
no conviction, and no remorse. A long moment passed before Starfire was able to
respond, and it was barely audible. “What?”
“I thought you should know. I’ll be gone by tomorrow afternoon, and I don’t
want any goodbyes.” Starfire shook her head in denial. “I think it would be best if I
just... left.”
“You... cannot!” Starfire lunged at Raven, clasping her hands tightly within hers.
“Raven,” She pleaded. “You must not go. You are needed here. I--” Starfire stopped
herself, as she thought about what she was about to reveal. “...The team needs you.”
“Starfire,” Raven was peering down at their intertwined fingers, but made no
effort to free herself. “I’m leaving for the team. It’s for the best, you must understand.”
She then looked Starfire in the eye and gave a apologetic smile. Starfire craved to
see more of the face of the girl who would soon go. With no objection from Raven, she
placed her hand on Raven’s hood and slowly pulled it away. Raven only continued to
smile, but now the moonlight seemed to light up her face. Starfire saw no sign of the girl
that had once told her to never come near. Now there was only her compassion, a true
belief she was doing the right thing.
Raven was gorgeous. Starfire had never noticed it before, but seeing her smile in
the silver light took her breath away. It pained her that Raven was making this choice
because of Starfire. There would not be another time to talk of her feelings. “I
understand many things. I understand the emotions you carry with you.”
As though she had taken offence, Raven pulled her hands away. She shifted from
loving to defensive. “You can’t possibly know...”
“I do! I know and I wish to help.”
“You can’t help,” Raven shot back. “You’re the problem!”
Starfire was not offended by the comment, for she knew what it truly meant.
Raven turned away, seeing what it was that Starfire understood. No doubt remained
within either of them, Raven was in love with Starfire.
Raven would be swayed again. “I have to go.” She began for the door, moving so
briskly it was almost a jog.
“Raven...” Starfire called to her, Raven did not slow down. Starfire trembled at
the thought that this would be the last she saw of the girl. As though she was
fast-forwarding a film, her memories flooded back. Starfire thought of everything that
made the girl so special to her. Perhaps it was the night above the clouds or all the time
they spent alongside each other. But what stayed in Starfire’s mind was Raven’s
beautiful face, the one she had seen not a moment ago. It was a terrible thought of never
looking upon it again.
“Raven!” Again, Raven shut her out. At the moment Starfire could not be sure
why she said what she said next. Perhaps she thought it would do well in halting Raven.
It may have been how she truly felt. What was important is that at Starfire’s trailing
words, Raven stopped.
“Raven, I love you.” She did not think she spoke very loudly, but she was clearly
heard. Less than a meter from the door, Raven turned around with disbelief in her eyes.
The emotions swelled within Starfire. Seeing Raven’s face once more, even at
this distance, was a blessing. She did not know before, but Starfire now realised the
sincerity of her words. The grim idea of a future without Raven was quickly coming
together, and it caused her sorrow the likes of which she had never experienced. Starfire
did not want this to be reality, but more than that she wanted Raven to return to her. She
wanted another chance to touch her.
So she said it again. “I love you.”
The time that passed seemed to linger between them. Neither girl moved or
spoke. Starfire had just bore her soul to Raven, telling her what she knew the very
moment she herself discovered it. There was true love between them, and if Raven
would only return, Starfire could show what it meant to her.
But Raven did not. She broke her bewildered watch as she callously tossed on her
hood. “No you don’t,” Raven turned back to the door and marched in. “No matter what
you think, don’t ever say that again.”
The door closed behind her, and Raven did not return. Starfire remained, not
knowing what to do to calm the sadness that paralysed her. There was no mistaking what
she felt, not this time. Starfire spoke once more, releasing the weight of the words in a
soft utterance. “I love you, Raven.”
8
She could not recall a time when she had been more wrong. It had been a week
since the destruction of the lizard monster. Robin’s arm had healed from his
confrontation with Sparrow, but Raven had not. In fact, she was far worse.
Although she successfully avoided Starfire’s company, Raven’s love for her did
not subside. Raven found herself involuntarily gazing at her from a distance. She stayed
awake yearning for her. The brief periods she slept, her dreams were only of the girl she
secretly held so dear. The unattainable visions of the two of them being together were
torture on Raven’s troubled mind. Every morning brought more weight and anguish than
Raven felt she could deal with. So consequently, she had stopped sleeping altogether.
Even Raven’s meditation could not heal her, for she lost the ability to do so.
Every time she tried to clear her mind, she saw Starfire. There was no focus anywhere
else, and had to awaken before she began to fall apart. Raven had never gone more than a
few days without meditation, and she could only begin to guess what a mess her mental
state was in.
Starfire, it seemed, was doing fine. She had fallen into the net of the boys, and
almost seemed to forget about Raven. Raven was sure seeing Starfire happy would help
her own healing, but it only added to her sadness by adding to her dark curiosity.
Countless “what if” questions surfaced in Ravens’ mind. If things were different, could
the two girls be together? Could Starfire ever see Raven as more than just a friend? If
Raven could not give her love to Starfire, could she give it to another? Would she want
to? They were questions that would never be answered, not fully.
What pained Raven more than watching Starfire from a distance was sharing and
rejecting her pleas for amends. These had seemed to subside in recent days, but in the
time following the battle, Starfire had attempted to reconcile with Raven many times.
Doing things like hugging her, helping her with chores, and writing some terrible sonnets
of forgiveness. The hugs were blocked, the help was rejected, and the poems were
thrown out. Raven did so with the most tactless attitude she could muster, but secretly,
she cherished every touch and every sheet of paper Starfire gave to her, as bad as the
writing was. Raven stopped emptying out her trash can because it had become her
forbidden treasure chest.
Knowing only rejection, Starfire never grew angry with Raven. She did not even
appear irritated, her reactions were of optimism that her next attempt would be better.
This did not help Ravens’ cause in the slightest, and she waited for the day Starfire would
finally have enough and give up. Although she seemed to be running out of ideas, Raven
knew it would be a long time before Starfire admitted defeat.
The pain within Raven had grown into something else. As she began to accept
that she and Starfire would never be able to share more than they had now, Raven felt
empty. Numb.
No, it was more than empty. Raven had lost her purpose. Her motivation for
fighting or even getting up in the morning had withered away. Now Raven not only
stayed in her room, she stayed in her bed, even though no sleep came to her. Raven
began to miss combat practice, she missed meals, her skin grew even more pale from the
lack of sunlight. There was nothing for her.
She did not even see the other Titans enough to know if they were concerned
about her. They knew better than to disturb Raven in her room, and since they saw her
from time to time heading to the bathroom or laundry room, they saw that she was
physically fine.
It was now late into the evening and the team was at a show. “Attack of the
Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons” had been a movie Cyborg and Beast Boy
were hounding the others to see. They had asked Raven to join them, but like all outings
in the past week, she politely declined from behind her closed door.
Raven walked about the darkened hallways of Titan’s Tower, taking advantage of
the brief time where there was no danger of seeing the girl who made her heart jump.
Raven wondered what Starfire was thinking right now. Was she having fun? Perhaps she
was laughing at something in the movie. Perhaps something had startled her and she now
buried her face into a nearby shoulder. Was she thinking of whom she left behind?
Maybe...
Raven walked through the doorway into the lounge. She stopped. It was so
unbearably quiet. Only a few lights were on, the TV and stereo system quietly hung in
lack of duty. Raven hated the quiet. There was nothing to drown her thoughts, and her
thoughts drifted. They wandered to where they always did, but this time, they seemed
louder.
Starfire, she was laughing. Sitting on the sofa, her eyes drifted to and from the
blank TV. She was not just sitting, she was interacting with someone. Talking without
care to a girl beside her. The girl closed the tiny gap between them as she too spoke, and
Raven saw herself with total clarity. Starfire laughed once more, and lowered the mood
when she rested her head on Raven’s shoulder. Raven felt every fiber of her hair, smelt
the sweet vanilla-raspberry of her shampoo, and even quivered at the gentle breaths
rolling off her chest. She turned her head only slightly to see the beautiful girl, her eyes
were closed. Ravens’ cheeks flushed and her lips twitched with longing. Flexing them
ever so softly, she brought them to press against the top of her love’s head.
But her kiss met nothing. Raven was still standing in the doorway. The
hallucination of Starfire ran its’ course and faded, and Raven returned to her unbearable
reality. The strain was too much, and she collapsed. Weeping as softly as she did with
all the other hallucinations, and never growing accustomed to the pain.
At the sound of a soft step, Raven shot her stiffened gaze behind her down the
dim hallway. There, not eight feet from her, stood her leader. “If you wanted to see the
movie so badly...” Robin said, seeing the tears.
“Robin?” She confirmed as she frantically wiped away the salty liquid on her
face. “I thought you guys were out.” Raven turned her face away from him, knowing that
her anguish could not be hidden so quickly.
“It sounded like a dumb movie,” he shrugged. “You know, they’re all still
waiting for me to come back with the snacks.”
Raven forced herself to laugh. Robin smiled with her and continued. “I’ve really
needed to talk with you for a while. I thought I should probably wait until you’re feeling
better, but it looks like . . .” Robin stopped short of stating the obvious, that Raven
seemed like her body was shutting down. “Remember Sparrow? That guy we fought on
the chapel?” Raven nodded. “I’m afraid he died last week.”
Raven looked at him as though she were surprised. “I was with him when it
happened, he did it to himself.” Raven did not need to act surprised learning that, her
shock came naturally. She figured Sparrow had been killed. “Look...” Robin was
searching for words, and Robin never had trouble with those. “He said some things about
you, things I know he knows. Raven, he was trying to warn me about you.”
“What..?”
“I’m not about to take his word over yours,” he assured. “But Raven, I know your
emotions are powerful. If you have something to tell me...”
“I’m fine,” Raven snapped. If she answered more gently, Robin might have let it
go, but he always seemed very in tune with psychological cover-ups.
“Really?” There was a pause as he observed Raven’s composure. “Why are you
crying, Raven?” Raven did not answer. “Why don’t we ever see you anymore?” Again,
no answer. Now becoming frustrated at her defiance, Robin unearthed what Raven
thought she hid so well. “What’s going on with you and Starfire?”
“Stop!” The sound of her name was sharp, and Raven cringed at it.
Robin held himself. He was getting both of them upset. “Missing meals is one
thing. Whatever’s happening with you, I can’t have it endangering the team. So talk
about it, or deal with it, Alright?”
Robin’s tone was of quiet reprimand, and if there was something Raven didn’t
like from her friends, it was a lecture. “Yes,” she fixed an icy glare at him, followed by
the word she knew Robin despised. “...Sir.”
The boy scowled and briskly turned to leave. Raven shook her head in regret.
Robin did not deserve that, she was taking out her repressed feelings on him, and he was
only doing his job. “Robin,” she called out. He turned around. Raven took her time with
her next word, making sure there was nothing but sincerity in her voice. “I’ll handle it.
You don’t need to worry about me or the others.”
Robin nodded, accepting her hidden apology. He continued on his exit path, but
was stopped once more by Raven calling his name.
Seeing him stare expectantly at her, Raven was not sure if she should withhold her
question. It was innocent enough, at least it would have been if it were about someone
else. But since she and Robin were the only ones here, she may not get another chance.
“...How’s Starfire doing?”
Robin did not seem to think about the answer at all. “She misses you,” he said,
and turned to leave. Raven wondered if she should ask more, like how Robin knew how
Starfire felt. Was Starfire talking about it? Hopefully she was, that would help her along.
But who was going to help Raven? She could not simply continue like this. The
door closing behind Robin was the last sound before Raven returned to silence, and her
doubts festered in her head once more. She thought of why Robin chose to see her alone.
Were his fears justified? Maybe Sparrow learned something about her she did not know,
or would not admit to. True, she could not meditate anymore, and that could mean
anything might happen. Raven had gone on the defensive with Robin simply because she
was not sure.
And what about Starfire? Raven’s feelings for her were only growing stronger,
and were beginning to drive her mad. Try as she did, she could not shut herself away
completely, and every time the two crossed paths, Raven’s love unearthed itself even
more. It would not be long before Starfire discovered the truth for herself, she was very
smart, and she was not going anywhere.
No, unless something happened, Starfire would always be near. Raven would
never get over her unless she did something drastic, something that would ensure she
never saw her love again.
*
Starfire continued to remove popcorn kernels from her hair as she flew from the
theatre. She now knew how unwise it was to hold a bucket full of light food morsels
when one is easily startled. The movie was not a film of relaxation, and not one she
particularly enjoyed.
She was now in flight back to the tower, without the accompaniment of Cyborg or
Beast Boy. Starfire thought it best, telling the boys the brisk wind would help clean the
greasy snacks from her hair and clothing. But within her was a desire to be alone. It was
not a wish that surfaced itself often, for she did not like being without those she cared for,
but it was one she often listened to.
It was not the cinema that had upset her, although it was fairly upsetting. Starfire
had gone with hopes of forgetting her recent distance with Raven, and now returned
disappointed. Closing her eyes and covering her ears through the entire show gave her
time to ponder. Raven was once a friend. No, she was more than that. The correct word
escaped Starfire, she was not even sure a proper English word existed. “Best friend” did
not seem true.
Friends came and went, even best friends. However, the thought of her life in the
absence of Raven was painful. Starfire had so much yet to tell her, things she felt she
could not tell Robin, whom she considered her “best friend”.
The night above the clouds made her think that someone else saw all the beauty of
the world as she did. Most humans, having grown from birth here, took such things for
granted, and could never understand how she saw them.
Not Raven. Raven was feeling exactly as she felt that night, as though everything
was new to her. Starfire saw it in her eyes and in her concealed tears. Although she hid it
well, Starfire had seen Raven beginning to weep just as Starfire had done her first night of
seeing the stars.
There were other incidents as well. Raven’s touch, it was so eager. Raven was
not an affectionate person, and when she answered Starfire’s touch with a soft touch of
her own, it was precious. It moved Starfire in a way that no physical contact from anyone
else could have. A stroke of the hand or a press on the shoulder was more intimate from
Raven as the deepest embrace or kiss from any other.
Starfire knew these things were so special because they came from Raven only to
her. What was puzzling was why Raven chose to share them with Starfire. Raven never
made contact with the other team members, never talked to them the way she talked to
Starfire. Then again, Starfire never talked to them the way she talked to Raven The two
shared something unspoken, something Starfire treasured.
But surely, Raven’s displays were better shared with one of more significance.
Such things were not easy to obtain, and Starfire knew that being a good friend would not
be enough to obtain them from Raven. They would be seen with a boy she had a
romantic interest in perhaps, one she would grow to love. Starfire did not meet this
criteria, nor could she.
Could she? Was she so certain what requirements one must possess to win
Raven’s love?
Starfire’s thoughts forced her to halt in the middle of her flight. Her mind had
been dancing with her troubles since the theatre, and now she nearly crossed the water to
Titan’s tower. The trip was one of deep thought, and with this seemingly outlandish idea,
some things began to make sense.
Why Raven shifted so dramatically, Starfire did not know. She did not know
many things about the girl. She knew, however, Raven considered unrestrained emotions
a hazard. Starfire was warned in her early days on the team to be cautious of what she
said and did around Raven, and had since seen many dire examples of what could happen
when she lost control.
But feelings are profound and complicated things. To store them or deny them
completely must have been a tremendous hardship. And what feeling was as powerful
and all consuming as love?
Starfire wondered; had Raven ever known love? Love changes people, Starfire
was fully aware. She knew what signs to observe because of her strong embracing of her
own emotions. She never thought of observing Raven, however. Perhaps Starfire could
remember of what she had seen in passing.
Raven had never spoken of one whom she loved, nor had she shown signs of
being in love.
Not until recently.
The understanding caused Starfire to both blush and gasp. Raven was in love, and
it was very likely with Starfire herself. Shock and embellishment filled Starfire, but to
her surprise, there came little discomfort. Though the two were of the same gender, such
a pairing was not unheard of on Tamaran, and especially not on Earth.
More importantly, the girl who loved her was Raven. The notion was not
displeasing, Starfire was certain she loved Raven also. She loved her as she loved the
other Titans or her close family. Starfire was slightly remorseful that she did not feel the
same way. It was likely not the same strength of emotion as Raven felt for her, and
would probably remain so.
The traumatic alteration in Ravens’ composure caused Starfire to think that
Ravens’ feelings were no more. Starfire had still not uncovered how she had wronged
Raven, but Ravens’ feelings seemed now of loathing. Starfire was kept at a significant
distance, which was not something people in love did to one another.
Those in love protected each other. They would sacrifice their happiness and their
lives for the other. It was what Raven was prepared to do against Mandibore. Was it
what she was doing now? If Raven’s emotions were as dangerous as she warned, then
unconfined love could be a catastrophe.
That was it. It must have been the answer Starfire sought. Raven denied her love
because she thought it may put Starfire at risk of harm. Starfire could not be certain, not
without speaking to Raven, but nothing else made sense.
Love could not be contained, not for long. Starfire knew this to be true and Raven
clearly did not. She never delt with being in love before, and Raven was dealing with it
the only way she knew how. There was no one to help her.
If only Starfire was right, Raven could be assisted with her burden. Starfire would
confront her with her suspicions when she reached the tower. The two girls would talk,
and everything would be set right.
Well, not everything. Starfire did not share Ravens’ feelings, and conveying that
to Raven would break her heart. But that matter was not Starfire’s primary concern at the
moment. It would be delt with in time.
Hope in her heart, Starfire continued on to Titans’ Tower.
*
Starfire was surprised but glad Raven was waiting for her on the helipad as she
landed. Raven was vailed under her hood, and did not move to greet the girl. She simply
lingered between Starfire and the door and waited for Starfire to come to her.
“Raven,” Starfire smiled, slowly closing the few meters that remained between
them. “It is good to see you outside of your room.”
Raven did not respond. She did not speak, she did not smile, she did not bat an
eye. Raven only continued to monitor Starfires’ walk. “Are you well?” Starfire asked.
At last, Raven answered, though it was not an answer Starfire wished to hear.
“No,” she said, still not moving a muscle. “Starfire, I need to tell you something.”
Starfire stopped within arms’ reach of Raven. She nodded in understanding, but
decided it best not to touch her yet. “I know...”
“I’m leaving the Teen Titans”
Starfire took a step back, feeling as though she had been struck in the abdomen.
This was not right. Had she heard correctly? Raven was quitting? No. She could not
leave, she could not flee from this.
Raven did not move, her unpleasant surprise had been delivered with no emotion,
no conviction, and no remorse. A long moment passed before Starfire was able to
respond, and it was barely audible. “What?”
“I thought you should know. I’ll be gone by tomorrow afternoon, and I don’t
want any goodbyes.” Starfire shook her head in denial. “I think it would be best if I
just... left.”
“You... cannot!” Starfire lunged at Raven, clasping her hands tightly within hers.
“Raven,” She pleaded. “You must not go. You are needed here. I--” Starfire stopped
herself, as she thought about what she was about to reveal. “...The team needs you.”
“Starfire,” Raven was peering down at their intertwined fingers, but made no
effort to free herself. “I’m leaving for the team. It’s for the best, you must understand.”
She then looked Starfire in the eye and gave a apologetic smile. Starfire craved to
see more of the face of the girl who would soon go. With no objection from Raven, she
placed her hand on Raven’s hood and slowly pulled it away. Raven only continued to
smile, but now the moonlight seemed to light up her face. Starfire saw no sign of the girl
that had once told her to never come near. Now there was only her compassion, a true
belief she was doing the right thing.
Raven was gorgeous. Starfire had never noticed it before, but seeing her smile in
the silver light took her breath away. It pained her that Raven was making this choice
because of Starfire. There would not be another time to talk of her feelings. “I
understand many things. I understand the emotions you carry with you.”
As though she had taken offence, Raven pulled her hands away. She shifted from
loving to defensive. “You can’t possibly know...”
“I do! I know and I wish to help.”
“You can’t help,” Raven shot back. “You’re the problem!”
Starfire was not offended by the comment, for she knew what it truly meant.
Raven turned away, seeing what it was that Starfire understood. No doubt remained
within either of them, Raven was in love with Starfire.
Raven would be swayed again. “I have to go.” She began for the door, moving so
briskly it was almost a jog.
“Raven...” Starfire called to her, Raven did not slow down. Starfire trembled at
the thought that this would be the last she saw of the girl. As though she was
fast-forwarding a film, her memories flooded back. Starfire thought of everything that
made the girl so special to her. Perhaps it was the night above the clouds or all the time
they spent alongside each other. But what stayed in Starfire’s mind was Raven’s
beautiful face, the one she had seen not a moment ago. It was a terrible thought of never
looking upon it again.
“Raven!” Again, Raven shut her out. At the moment Starfire could not be sure
why she said what she said next. Perhaps she thought it would do well in halting Raven.
It may have been how she truly felt. What was important is that at Starfire’s trailing
words, Raven stopped.
“Raven, I love you.” She did not think she spoke very loudly, but she was clearly
heard. Less than a meter from the door, Raven turned around with disbelief in her eyes.
The emotions swelled within Starfire. Seeing Raven’s face once more, even at
this distance, was a blessing. She did not know before, but Starfire now realised the
sincerity of her words. The grim idea of a future without Raven was quickly coming
together, and it caused her sorrow the likes of which she had never experienced. Starfire
did not want this to be reality, but more than that she wanted Raven to return to her. She
wanted another chance to touch her.
So she said it again. “I love you.”
The time that passed seemed to linger between them. Neither girl moved or
spoke. Starfire had just bore her soul to Raven, telling her what she knew the very
moment she herself discovered it. There was true love between them, and if Raven
would only return, Starfire could show what it meant to her.
But Raven did not. She broke her bewildered watch as she callously tossed on her
hood. “No you don’t,” Raven turned back to the door and marched in. “No matter what
you think, don’t ever say that again.”
The door closed behind her, and Raven did not return. Starfire remained, not
knowing what to do to calm the sadness that paralysed her. There was no mistaking what
she felt, not this time. Starfire spoke once more, releasing the weight of the words in a
soft utterance. “I love you, Raven.”