Fan Fiction ❯ What is Love ❯ to Raven ( Chapter 1 )

to Raven

Love, the one thing that has ever come close to causing me more pain that my father has. I find it ironic that the very emotion that is supposed to bring joy and comfort to those who need it has brought me only the opposite. Despair, anguish, hatred, and regret, these are the only things that were brought by that cursed emotion. I wish that I could take it all back. I wish I could have never found that book. I wish that I had never spoken with that evil dragon. I wish that I never loved him. I wish I did not love period. Yet, I did, and I do. No matter how many times that my friends try to console me, I know in my heart that it really is my fault. I allowed it to happen. I have spent most of my life guarding against my emotions, because of the hold my father has on me. I am part demon, and my emotions bring out the worst in my demonic powers. I chose not to feel, I chose to build up walls around me to keep others from getting too close. He was different, but in a completely different way than I had thought.

 

When I first met him, I was freaked out at the concept of someone being trapped inside of a book, let alone an ancient wizard… inside of a book that I had found. I would never show nor admit how freaked out I actually was. I managed to repress it down to surprise, but I could not get rid of it fully. That “wizard” was Malchior, the very wizard from the book that I was reading. One of the many thoughts that ran through my head after it was all over was maybe I should have finished that cursed book. He might not have changed everything. He might have missed something. There might have been something left to warn me of Malchior's true intentions. It does not matter now, though. I did not, but I did do something much worse.

 

The wall I had built up around me, I had to constantly hold it sturdy when it came to… him. Every time he spoke to me, he tried to pry through it. I did my best to hold my ground… to protect him the horrors of my past and what I was capable of. However, I was loosing ground. I was close… too close to crumbling, to giving in, to telling him… everyone everything. He was the only one who could do it, though. He had an effect on my like no one else I had ever met. Sure it was annoying, but it wore my defenses down, but his patience wore down with it. It was inevitable, but he snapped.

 

I could sense what he was feeling when he did it. I knew that he was not sincerity, but frustration. He was tired. He wanted desperately to get to know me for whatever reasons that were concocted in his green head. Yet, even as persistent as he was, he could only get pushed away so many times before breaking. I cannot say that I blame him. I cannot imagine how many times that I pushed… shoved him away from me. Eventually, he snapped, but it came at the worst time possible.

 

Creepy, that was the word that he yelled at me to describe me and my behavior. He did not mean it. I could sense that he was not sincere, but that fact was overshadowed by how much that single word hurt. I have stood strong against descriptions like Ice Queen, evil demon, and dark witch, but none have cut me so deep as that one word did, that one word that escaped his lips. I am not creepy! I am just different. That is what I kept telling myself, but it was only to mask the truth. I see now that the way that my powers… and my father have forced me to act is truly creepy. I show no emotion, and that is weird. I prefer to be alone, and that is unnatural. Human kind was designed for coexistence, but I ignored that. However, that one word still hurt, and it put me in an unenviable position.

 

As much as it is completely unlike me, I have to admit that what he said brought me close to tears. Why did his words of all people's hurt me so much? How did one word cause me so much pain? Why did I care what he thought of me? I was angry, sad, and confused. That is the state in which I found him, Malchior. He was kind, but he knew exactly what I wanted to hear. He only seemed kind. He had been listening, listening to everything. He knew what I wanted, and he gave it to me. He accepted me for who I was. He related to me and my powers. He taught me much, even things he never thought he was teaching me. He taught me how to love.

 

For him, I did not hesitate to let down my guard, but it was only because I was hurting due to what he had said. In a way, I needed to let my guard down to someone. I needed to be wanted. I got what I needed, but from a liar and a con artist. He made me feel freely for the first time. I fell in love with him, but that was not enough, not enough to for my cure. I had to get love as well as give it. I thought that I had, but I was wrong. Everything that I thought that Malchior was was wrong. Everything down to his appearance was a lie. Te only thing that was true was his name.

 

By the time that I had realized the truth, it was too late. I had given him exactly what he wanted, to be free. It was only then that the book reverted beck to its unaltered form. He lied to me, and I gave him what he wanted. Betrayal hurt more than I could have imagined. I hated that dragon for using me. I hated him as much as I do my father. I wanted to kill him, but I could not. None of the Titans could. I sent him back into the book, though, but I could not sent my love for him with him. I loved him, and it hurt to know that he never loved me.

 

That was the only time that I had truly expressed my love. It was more than a year ago, but it is still fresh in my mind. The feelings that it brought to me, I can still feel. They will always be there. They will always be with me. Yet, love will always be there too, but I am and probably always will be apprehensive about even thinking about expressing it. There is always the risk of pain. There is always the risk of rejection, but there is always the chance that Love will be my freedom. However, I must ask myself if I can ever take that risk. Should I take it now?

 

I think… I know that I am in love again. The negative possibilities are what is holding me back now. Can I take the risk now that I am in love again? I know more about him than I think he knows about himself. I know that he is not like Malchior. He would not ever betray me like that dragon did. He is far too kind for that. Yet, I do not know if he likes me the way I have grown to like him. Would even telling him how I feel result in pain… possibly even more pain than I have ever experienced. My empathic powers would allow me to feel his feelings and thoughts, and that would tell me all that I need to know. I cannot, though. I only do that whenever I need to or when I fail to catch myself before I do it. I believe in privacy, although it seems that I am the only one in the tower that does. It would be hypocritical of me to pry into his thoughts without permission, but I would be lying if I said that I was not tempted to.

 

It would make it so much easier if I knew exactly how he felt about me. I would know what I should do. If he regards me as just a friend or if he hates me and is just putting on a kind front whenever he sees me, I would keep what I feel to myself and possibly learn not to feel them anymore. However, in the, as I see it, unlikely event that he feels for me what I feel for him, then there would be no risk and there would be nothing stopping me from leaping into his awaiting arms. I wish I could know exactly how he feels without going against everything that I believe in. I wish that one of those times when I accidentally pry into his mind and I cannot stop myself in time, that I would feel love for me. Maybe I am just hoping for something that will never exist.

 

Why can he not just give me just a little hint? If I could take is actions at face value, I would not even question that he loves me. Yet, he took the role as the jester, the one who tries to make everyone happy. His kindness for me can be logically explained as him not wanting to see anyone sad. I have to ask, would he do the same for Starfire if she didn't have Robin to comfort her in her darkest hours. Is it just any form of despair that draws his attention, or is it just me.

 

Yet, the fact remains that he has tied herder to make me happy than he has for anyone else in the tower, although the results of his attempts used to be a harsh retaliation by me. I do not do that anymore. I try not to do that anymore. I know that I should not act differently, but I cannot help it. I used to hate it when he tried to get me to smile; now I love it. I love him. However, no matter how much I want to, I cannot smile, not yet. If I did, I would destroy something, or what is worse, destroy him. Yet, it is so hard to hide how I truly feel. I want to show him everything, but I cannot. It would be too dangerous.

 

The danger is tied directly to the risk involved in finding out how he feels for me, though. It is one of the reasons that I have to hope that he loves me but also hope that I never find out how he feels. If he does not love me, there will be a period of time where I will feel pain… so much pain. I was able to repress it when I found out the truth about Malchior, but who is to say that I will be able to repress it this time. If I find out the truth and the truth is something that I cannot handle, I may end up hurting him due to my powers. I know for a fact that that would be too much for me to bear. If that happened, I would not be able to control myself or my powers.

 

Yes, I love him, but I just cannot take the risk. I do not want to feel the pain that I felt after Malchior. I do not want to risk loosing control because of that pain. I do not want to take the chance of hurting the person that I love. I do not want to loose his friendship. It is all I have to keep me going. So, I will wait. I will wait for something that may not ever occur. I need assurance that he does love me the way I love him.

 

What if that assurance never comes?

 

I have to be prepared for the worst. I have been able to hide my emotions from others. I have almost mastered repressing them. I am almost completely stolid, unfeeling, and emotionless. What is one more emotion to add to the list? I can struggle though. I can live the rest of my life without telling him or anyone. I have to.

 

What if you never find out the way he truly feels?

 

He does not like me anyway. Why would he like me? I am his complete opposite. He is the happy-go-lucky jester Titan and I am the cold, uncaring goth of the group. We would not go together anyway. We would not work. We could not possibly work. What is the use of wondering how he feels about me when I already know? The best I can hope for is a friend.

 

What if what you could have never even gets a chance to occur?

 

Yet, am I dwelling too much on the negative? Could it really turn out as bad as I think it could? The possibilities seems so bad when I think about it, but am I just letting my wall that I have built up make things on the outside seem baleful? Is the risk really that great? Are my chances really that slim? What could I have with him if I just took a chance?

 

What if you kill it before it even begins?

 

I… we could be happy. We could live happy. He may truly love me, and I could ruin everything by not telling him about my love for him. The worst that could happen is him saying that he does not feel the same way. Actually, the worst that could happen is him saying that he does not feel the same way, me getting thrust into a depression because of it, and loosing control of my powers, effectively killing everyone around me. That is a risk, but never knowing that he cares is another.

 

Can you take that risk?

 

I am getting a headache just by thinking too much. I feel like my mind, and all of my emotions are in a tug-o-war over this issue. On one side, there is the possibility that I will just end up getting as if not more hurt than I did last time I decided to act on my love. On the other, I have the possibility that I may loose my one chance at happiness that I will ever get. Has fate sent me to Earth? Has fate made me join the Titans? Has fate made it where I meet the one person that I am supposed to be with here? Or, is fate just setting me up for a fall that I may never recover from? There are risks involved in everything. Can I take this one?

 

Can you?

 

Can I?

 

The decision, as always, is up to you.

 

Love alone is not worth the risk. However, Beast Boy's love would be worth the risk, no matter what the outcome is. Someday, I will tell you, but that someday might be today. You never know.

 

Let me just make it perfectly clear that this is NOT a one-shot. This fic will have three chapters. I know that seems really short, but making it any longer would just be needlessly prolonging what must occur. Anyway, this chapter was obviously in Raven's perspective. If you have not figured it out yet, the title and the names of each chapter go together. This chapter was called (in full) `What is Love to Raven.' The next, however, will be called `What is Love to Beast Boy,' and will be told in Beast Boy's perspective. The third, and final, chapter will be called `What is Love to Them,' and will be told in the good old third person perspective. I believe that I successfully was able to keep Raven in character throughout this chapter. However, if you feel otherwise, please let me know when in the chapter and why. It may be something that I can keep in mind while writing Beast Boy. I would like to keep him in character as possible. Anyway, as you can see, your eyes are catching up to the bottom of the page. This, no doubt ably, is because my rambling is coming to an end. However, just for fun, I felt like going on for a few more lines. At this point, I wonder how many of you are actually still reading and how many of you never read the thoughts the authors put in after some of their chapters. You know, they would not have posted them is they did not have a reason to. Although, my current rambling seems to contradict that statement. Okay. I think that I am through. My fingers are getting tired, and I am sure that your eyes are too. I wish you all a pleasant day/midday/night.