Fan Fiction ❯ What is Love ❯ to Beast Boy ( Chapter 2 )

to Beast Boy

That feeling you get whenever you are in love, I know it all too well. I do not like to think about that feeling too often, though. It brings back some… unpleasant memories. Sometimes, those memories are too much for me to handle, and I break down. But, what am I talking about? I cannot be sad. The jester cannot be sad. I make sure that everyone else is not feeling bad, not the other way around. Sadness is not part of my persona. It cannot be, yet it is. It is an undeniable part of everyone, even the jester. Those memories hurt so very much. Sometimes, I cannot help but think of the good times I had with the one I loved, but afterwards comes the inevitable bad.

 

Terra, master of the Earth. She could control everything from rocks to mud, and even for a time, she controlled my heart. She was part of the team. She was a Titan. She was my friend. For less than a day, she was my girlfriend, but I had loved her for far longer than a day. I felt like I had been waiting for her my entire life. I felt like I needed her. I loved her. If I were joking, I would blame it all on puberty. I would blame it on the hormones. I would spout off something like I was too young to discern a crush from love. Yet, that would only be me joking. It has been two years, and my views on love have not changed. I will always know that I loved her.

 

Even though I loved her, it took me weeks before I could work up enough courage to ask her out. Sure, I stared at her all goggly-eyed every chance I got before then, but I had never actually admitted that I liked her. That all changed when I took a chance. Deep down, I know for a fact that love is all about taking chances. From asking them on your first date to marriage to where you want to be buried when you die, there will always be a chance involved. Taking the chance never bothers me. It is the knowledge gained from that chance that does.

 

For me, I misunderstood her answer. She was not able to go out with me in the future but she was free that night, but now I know why. I knew her better than I know anyone, but I never saw what she did coming. She betrayed us to Slade all on the excuse that she owed him because he helped her control her powers. That was not true. She betrayed us out of her own free will. She had a choice, and she chose wrong. I just could not accept it.

 

I went through all of the stages afterward. Denial; I would not listen to the truth. I would not believe it, not from Slade. It took it coming from Terra's own mouth for it to really hit. It was true. Depression; It hurt more than anything I had ever experienced. I loved her. Did she not see that? Did my love mean nothing to her? Did I mean nothing to her? Regret; Could I have saved her if I never said that she did not have any friends? I was the reason. I practically threw her at Slade. It was my fault. Anger; No! It was not my fault in any way. It was hers. Terra chose to betray us… to betray me. Acceptance; She deserves whatever the team… no… I do to her. She is a criminal.

 

I was angry at her. I was furious, but in my heart I still loved her. I had the chance to enact my revenge. She was right there, powerless. I could not do it, though. I loved her, and she was my whole world. I could not destroy my world, but Slade was a different story. My goal was to go around Terra and get to him, but I could not succeed. He controlled Terra, and I alone was no match for her. They trapped me, and had the chance to kill me. That is when it happened. Everything changed. The rest of the Titans showed up, and I tried my best to reach out to Terra's heart. It worked in the end, but we all paid a price. Terra was gone. She was petrified, solid stone. It hurt to see her like that. It still does.

 

It has been two years to the day since her betrayal, but I can still feel the pain. It is different, though. I am not sad, just angry. I am angry at myself. Something happened that shook me to the very core. I hate myself. I fell out of love with Terra. I care about her, but I do not care for her anymore. Sure, if a cure to whatever happened to her is ever found, I will not hesitate to administer it myself, but I do fear that undesirable conversation afterward if it ever occurs.

 

It was one year ago that I woke up, looked at the picture of Terra that I have, and felt nothing. If it is possible, I feel even less than nothing for her now. I hate that. I loved her. How can I just forget that entirely? What gives me the right to forget her? I loved her! I should not feel the way I do now. Nothing has changed since she has been gone. I am still the jester. I am still green. I still beat Cyborg at games on a constant basis. I still have yet to get Raven to smile. I still have yet to get Raven to laugh. I still have yet to get Raven to open up to me. I still have yet to tell anyone that I am trying my hardest not to be in love with Ra… And, there it was. That year after Terra was gone, I realized something, something that I had never even admitted to myself. I had a lot more than an insignificant crush on Raven.

 

I had always liked Raven a little more than I knew that I should, but I never wanted to. That is not right. I want to, but I do not think that she would want me to. I am really close to knowing that she does not want me to. I have tried everything in my arsenal to get her to enjoy being in my presence, but all I get is her liking me even less. I am pretty sure if she could kill someone and get away with it, it would be me. Yet, none of that matters. Even is she did like me, I would never tell her that I love her.

 

I loved Terra. LOVED! That word is past tense. That really freaks me out. Just as a person can fall in love with someone, that same person can fall out of love with them. Why is that? I had always believed that love was eternal? Before my parents died, they were happy. They were in love. I cannot imagine them not loving each other. That was the example of love that I was given, but it was a bad example. Love is a fragile thing. It can be there one year and gone entirely the next. I do not want that to happen. I do not want that to happen again, not to Raven. Se deserves to be loved for all eternity. I have already fallen out of love once. What is to stop me from doing it again?

 

Raven deserves to be with her true love. I do not think that that is me. If I tell her and she accepts it for some reason, I will just end up hurting her. I will not do that! I refuse to even allow there to even be a chance that I will hurt Raven. I know now that I love her far too much for me to tell her that I love her. It makes sense to me and that is all that matters. The point is that Raven and I would not work as a couple, and I would hurt her by leaving her because of that.

 

Raven is my complete opposite. She is dark. I am light. She is secluded. I am accompanied. She is mysterious. I am an open book. No matter how much that I want it to, we would not work. That hurts me to admit that, but I am doing Raven a favor. I have to spare her from the pain I would bring her. I will keep my feelings to myself. Besides, there is no point in even arguing about it. Raven hates me.

 

I do everything that I can for her, but it is never enough because I will never be enough for her. I tell a joke that I made up just for her, and she makes fun of me. I try and learn something new to impress her, and she calls me stupid. I get up early and make her tea for her, and she calls it disgusting. That one may be my fault. How was I supposed to know that tofu does not go well in tea? The point is that Raven hates me, and it is better for everyone if I just keep my mouth shut about my feelings.

 

I cannot keep a secret, though. I have never been able to. My biggest fear is that I will go to say hello to Raven, and I spit out I love you. I would ruin everything. She would never want to see me again after that. What little friendship that we have would be gone forever. It would be a blessing if I could will myself to fall out of love with her. I cannot, though. I tried, and love does not work like that. Why do I love her of all people?

 

Raven is so unlike me. She is not social and I would die without someone to talk to at all hours of the day. I am surprised that I can even go to sleep without someone talking to me. She is mean… only to me, though. Why is that? Am I just that easy of a target? She, for the most part, tolerates everyone else's presence, even Starfire. It is jut me that she hates. Raven likes her books, and I can barely read. She hates everything I do, and… and… I cannot do this anymore.

 

Raven is not any of those things. She is not mean, and I doubt that she hates me… that much. Raven is actually the kindest person I have ever met. Her entire life has been struggle. Her powers make it impossible for her to be normal like everyone else. She is not allowed to feel. Fate was cruel to her when passing out destinies. Yet, even knowing that, she does not take the easy way out. I know a thing or two about loosing control. I know how it feels. It is a pleasant sensation. Nothing matters anymore when it happens, and I would imagine that Raven feels something similar whenever she looses control. It would be so easy for her to disregard the lives around her, but she does not. She cares deeply about life, and I wonder if I count as life to her. She is mean to me because I try to make her feel when I know good and well that she cannot. I know that every time that I try, I just remind her of what she cannot have. I know that I should stop, but I cannot. I want to make her happy. I have to make her happy, but I cannot do anything to make her happy. I always screw it up. Raven is the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen. No one, not even Terra, can come close to her. I ask myself why did I fall in love with her? The real question is why did I not sooner?

 

Yet, it does matter. None of this matters. I only have one goal in life, and that is to make Raven happy. I want her to be happy, but I know that I will never be a part of that happiness. Yes, I love her, but she does not feel the same way. How could she? She needs someone that will make her happy. I cannot do that. Fate is truly too cruel. Love was not meant to be for me.

 

Is not love for everyone?

 

I do not think that I will ever allow myself to love again. I cannot trust myself with love. I have already allowed myself to loose it once. I do not deserve it again. I am not worthy. Some religions state that there was someone for everyone, but I do not believe that. There is no one out there for me. I am pathetic. I am stupid. I do not deserve to know love again.

 

Does not everyone deserve to be happy?

 

Does the concept of love even exist? Is it just something that people choose to believe in just to give their life meaning? Was I the same way? Did I eve care about Terra? Do I even care about Raven? Yes. I can feel it. I remember the feeling I get when I was in love with Terra. I feel it now, and it is strongest whenever Raven says anything to me good or bad.

 

What if she was the one made for you?

 

As far as I see it, Raven is almost the physical incarnation of perfection. I can only see one fault in her. She expects all of us to be mind readers when it comes to what reminds her of something bad that happened or is supposed to happen to her. She does not get it, though. We… I am not a mind reader. Maybe I should remind myself of that. How can I be so sure that she hates me? What is this was my last chance at happiness? What if I loose something great before it even begins?

 

What if the way you think she sees you is wrong?

 

She is always thinking of others before herself. She pushes people… me away because she… is doing it for my own good! Is that it, or am I wrong again? That actually makes some sense. So, if that is true, and that is a big if if I came up with that theory, then that means that she is concerned for my well being. She does not hate me. Yet, even if my hopes are true, that leaves my back on square one. I will not tell her how I feel only to hurt her later. That is all I would do. After all, I am the screw up of the group.

 

What is there is nothing wrong with you at all?

 

I am me. There is nothing I can do about that. I chose the role of the jester, because in my line of work, you always need to be reminded of the bright side. Because I am the jester, I am the complete opposite of the one I love. It is funny. If we were able to work, we would be the poster couple for the phrase opposites attract. We would be the proof to the theory, but we cannot work. It is not possible. I would screw it up, just like I screw up everything.

 

Is not anything possible?

 

I love her, but that will not make a difference to her. She is too good for me, is she not? I am miles away from the people that even come close to being in her league. I am not her type. WHY IS SHE MINE? The heart wants what it wants. Stupid heart. The heart is now my least favorite body organ. It is back to good old stomach for me. It has never led me wrong. My heart says that I love her, but I will not listen! I will never tell her how I feel. It will only end badly. I will not tell her. I cannot tell her. Nothing can make me! …I-I have to tell her, …right?

 

The decision, as always, is up to you.

 

I have to. I would not be able to live with myself if I did not. I could not keep how I feel inside forever. It would come out eventually. It is better that I say it willingly than by accident. Well, there goes my… acquaintanceship with Raven. This sucks. Stupid heart.