Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ A Fate Worse Than Death ❯ Who'd Volunteer for that? ( Chapter 6 )

Just a warning: this is completely silly and very random. Major OOCness and just random things get thrown in here.

 

I'm not really sure when this degenerated into a `I'll do whatever the hell I want' fic but hey…. I'm getting the fluff out of my system because it doesn't belong in my other fic…

 

Oh, and I'm taking artistic liberties with the wedding ceremony… just go with it.

 

Chapter 6: Who'd volunteer for that??

 

Ten people sat around a wide rectangular table, eyeballing each other. They were in the following order, Cloud at one head, followed by Nanaki to his right, then Elena and Reeve. Cid sat at the other head, with Reno to his right followed by Rude, Barret, and Tifa.

 

The dark-haired girl sported a lovely purple-eye, while the other female smirked proud of herself. Apparently Elena wasn't too fond of love potions and their side effects. Cloud was biting his lip nervously, cutting his eyes at Elena, hoping she wouldn't take out her vengeance on him as well.

 

“How are we going to do this?” asked Reeve, leaning back in his chair.

 

“We could just wait until the day of and storm the place!” Barret exclaimed, happily picturing explosions and fighting.

 

“Right,” Reno said with a snort. “Why don't we start a war while we are at it?”

 

“Ah.” Barret sighed dreamily, clasping his hand to his gunarm and stroking the barrel lovingly. “To be fighting again.”

 

“Dumb ass,” barked Tifa, smacking him across the back of the head. “Don't make me tell Marlene for that matter.”

 

The dark-skinned man immediately ceased his war-like ideas and shut his mouth, waiting for other ideas.

 

“Wutaians are big on respect and such. The only way to come out of this without any problems is to have someone else marry her,” Reeve commented.

 

“Who the hell would volunteer for that?” demanded Cid.

 

“I would,” Rude muttered quietly. All eyes turned in his direction.

 

He shrugged and looked away. (I'm sure he would be blushing if anyone could actually see it.)

 

“R… Rude?” his red-headed friend stammered, eyes wide. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette. Twin flicks of a lighter indicated that his and Cid's had been lit at once.

 

“She's got spirit,” Rude responded as if that cleared up everything.

 

“B-But, I thought you liked Tifa?”

 

“She's hung up on Cloud,” the bald man responded with another shrug as if said female was not in the same room. “Besides, Yuffie's a lot more… independent.”

 

“Crush?” Tifa repeated looking extremely surprised. “You had a crush on me?” She clapped her hands together and wiggled excitedly, her eyes shining.

 

Cloud rolled his eyes at her and waved a hand in dismissal. “All that is beside the point. We have a wedding to stop!”

 

“How come you haven't asked me to marry you, yet?” Elena questioned, turning a small frown onto her lover.

 

Reeve flushed from the tips of his ears to all over his face, resembling a very ripe tomato. An embarrassed grin settled over his features and he looked sheepishly at her. “Umm… uh…”

 

“Great!” Reno exclaimed to save his friend. “You ruined the big secret!”

 

“She… she did?” the executive questioned, completely oblivious. He had a dumbfounded look on his face.

 

“Secret?” the blonde Turk questioned, a small smile beginning to break out on her features. She let go of the strangle hold she had on Reeve's arm.

 

“Yeah,” Rude chimed, picking up on what was going on. “And after all the trouble he went through, too.”

 

“Trouble?” Reeve questioned, still completely oblivious. He had no idea what any of them were talking about. What secret? He frowned.

 

“Remember?” the red-head nudged - actually, he kicked Reeve under the table but no one noticed… expect poor Reeve's shins. “The ring?”

 

Reeve looked at the other man with confusion, surreptitiously rubbing his shin. “Ring?” He caught the knowing look in the Turk's eyes and suddenly started nodding vigorously. “Oh right!! That ring!! Damn! I was going to surprise you at Christmas! You ruined it now!”

 

Reno kicked him again, whispering vigorously under his breath. “Don't overdo it!!”

 

Elena smiled, throwing her arms around her lover and encasing him in a death grip. “Really?” she squealed happily.

 

The man nodded slowly, a trapped look to his face. He tried to hide it by plastering on the biggest smile anyone had ever seen.

 

The room fell silent then… seconds ticked by… then minutes. Cloud cleared his throat noisily. Cid began to tap a rhythm on the table. Tifa started swaying back and forth to some internal melody only she could hear. Rude started fiddling with his sunglasses. Elena was hurriedly writing out wedding plans - though she technically hadn't been asked yet, but no one was in the mood to point that out. Nanaki's tail swished back and forth on the floor. Reno began to jingle his keys to a certain rhythm. Barret began to click his gun in specific intervals. And in the distance… the cooks in the kitchen began to bang their pots together for no reason at all.

 

Before they broke into song like in the musicals… someone finally spoke.

 

“I have the perfect plan,” Nanaki blurted out suddenly, causing eight pairs of eyes to look in his direction. He smiled sneakily, an interesting grin on his feral face.

 

The slowly developing musical tune ceased, and the room was silent as the lion wolf began to slowly explain his plan.

 

* * *

 

The typical wedding music sounded throughout the Great Temple, first announced by many trumpets noisily. It began slowly building to a crescendo with only the slightest bit of country twang, just as the bride had wanted it.

Everyone who lived in Wutai, and a few honored guests, was gathered there, watching their princess finally get married. Some women couldn't help the tears that sprang to their eyes.

 

The huge double doors at the end of the Temple, wood gilded in gold, swung open and the audience rose, a giant wave, swiveling their necks in unison towards the door. It was like a synchronized swim.

 

Yuffie stood there breathtakingly beautiful and serene in her pink carnation traditional wedding kimono. Flowers were woven about her hair and her facial veil was of the purest silk, almost completely translucent. Her two bridesmaids were dressed in various tones of colors, wearing puffed pants and thin long-sleeved stomach-bearing silk shirts (think Arabian and you got it). Their faces were heavily veiled and their hair was hidden by thick silken scarves. One had stunning aquamarine eyes and the other soothing amber honey. They danced gently behind the bride, celebrating her wedding day.

 

Yuffie held her head high and pranced down the aisle, music loud and obnoxious as the country banjo got far too loud for its place. Her groom shifted nervously up at the podium, unable to turn around and look at her. He was also dressed traditionally in black silken form fitting robes and heavily hooded. He stared at the wall above the temple master's head, seeing without really seeing.

 

The audience ooh'ed and aah'ed as Yuffie passed, some even murmuring at the fluidity of the bridesmaids movements. Finally, she stood at her groom's side. He took her hand, though he did not look at her. He shivered visibly, from what I cannot say, and they both knelt on their knees before the Temple Master. Heads were bowed reverently. The two bridesmaids took their proper position on either side of the couple, kneeling and bowing as well.

 

The music ceased, the audience sat, and the Temple Master gathered all attention to himself. He began to speak in a deep, monotone voice that almost sent the gathered audience into slumber.

 

Suddenly, all the lights went out at once, throwing the room in complete darkness. Strangely enough, no one was frightened by this. In fact, most considered it a part of the wedding that was new this particular year.

 

Music began to play; loud, demanding and possessive. Colored lights snapped on, turning to point directly at the two bridesmaids. The entire Temple fell silent, the wondering murmurings quieted.

 

The bridesmaids stood to their feet fluidly and began to dance slowly, seductive and hypnotic. The beat to the music was easy to follow… a traditional eastern melody. Most held their breath at the erotic display as the two bridesmaids swiveled their hips bathed in blue and purple lights. They danced unnecessarily close to each other, reached into the other's skimpy top, and pulled out two metal balls about the size of cantaloupes. An eyebrow raise later, the caps were popped off emitting a thick and cloying smoke.

 

The grey smoke quickly began to fill the Temple, some of the audience members coughed… and a few clapped, mostly the men. They enjoyed the dance! They all believed it was part of the show… that Princess Yuffie had gone to great lengths to make her wedding the most spectacular in Wutaian history.

 

All of the lights flickered on but not much could be seen due to the rapidly dispersing smoke. Someone gasped and pointed upwards even as the bridesmaids did an elaborate jingle, ringing tambourines that had suddenly appeared in their hands and gestured towards the ceiling. All eyes looked in curiosity.

 

There, standing on one of the rafters with a lit cigarette bouncing jauntily between his lips. He grinned as he gestured towards the long rope in his hands.

 

It was Cid.

 

The music, which was still playing, gained in volume as the pilot gave a great bow. He gripped onto the rope and dived, swinging. A series of gasps resonated throughout the crowd.

 

The Captain executed an aerobatic flip before landing smoothly on his feet between the two bridesmaids. He bowed as the audience clapped. The smoke was still thick in the room.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Yuffie snapped, getting to her feet angrily.

 

Cid didn't answer her, instead shouldering past her to grab onto the heavily hooded groom.

 

“You're coming with me!” ordered the pilot, leaving no room for argument.

 

“Uh…” the groom didn't say anything as Cid proceeded to drag him towards the back exit.

 

“Hey!” Yuffie protested. “That's my husband!” That was wall she could get out before the main doors slammed open and two tomboyishly dressed females stormed in.

 

“Down with weddings! Down with men! Our friend Yuffie won't submit again!” They were chanting this at the top of their lungs, brandishing their weapons proudly.

 

It was Elena and Tifa…

 

As the audience watched with gaped mouths, the two women stormed up to the podium and grabbed hold of the pink-clothed bride.

 

“We won't let you degrade yourself by submitting to the man's idea of womanly duties,” the Turk claimed, practically yelling the younger ninja's face.

 

“Yeah,” Tifa chimed in. “Tell those dirty old men that you're not going to cook and clean for them any longer. Women's liberty, wahoo!”

 

Someone in the audience whooped and hollered. “Alright, lesbians!”

 

Elena and Tifa bowed extravagantly, waving their weapons high in the air and giving a significant whoop in return.

 

“What do you two think you're doing?” Yuffie screeched, her face a blotchy red, feeling near ready to tear her hair out. She burst into tears. “You're ruining my wedding,” wailed the ninja.

 

As if on cue, the throne doors burst open yet again. All eyes and heads swiveled towards the double doors. Cloud Strife stood there, sword balanced on his shoulder, despite its immense size. At his side, another man was dressed as a groom and was shifting between his two feet nervously. The groom-like man was very much taller than the short blond.

 

“Never fear, Yuffie, dear! You're wayward knights are here!” Cloud claimed loudly, boasting a huge grin.

 

The audience began to clap and cheer. They all felt as if they were experiencing a soap opera up close and personal. Perhaps they were extras on the set of ABC?

 

Cloud and the hooded, unnamed man strode proudly up the aisle. Before they managed to get to the altar, a large dark-skinned man burst out of nowhere in the crowd and tackled the sword-wielding blond.

 

“No, my sweet blond angel, you belong to me,” blubbered the gun-armed man.

 

Cloud shoved the man off of him - this wasn't in the plan - but it was to no use. The dark-skinned man latched onto his left leg and refused to release him.

 

“Barret! Dammit! Let me go!” the leader cursed on a serious, feral growl. He wasn't surprised that it had no effect.

 

“No, no, no, no, no!” the dark-skinned man repeated, over and over blubbering needlessly.

 

The spiky-headed blond sighed, shoulders heaving, and gave up. He continued to move forward, the new groom at his side. The silent man's shoulders shook in repressed laughter, but he didn't offer a helping hand. The blond was forced to drag the leech by the name of Barret with him as they continued their mission to save the world from…. ninja's with a serious case of marriage-itis.

 

“I've come to defend your besmirched honor!” Cloud claimed exuberantly. He pretended as if he could not hear the other man crying at his feet and noisily kissing his black boots. The hooded man next to the blond nodded but did not speak.

 

“Where are the guards?” Yuffie wailed exasperatedly, ignoring the chaos around her. She nearly tore out her hair in frustration.

 

“Hey! He's trying to take your groom,” tattled a nameless, faceless man in the audience.

 

The ninja turned and looked through tear-streaked lashes. Sure enough, Cid and her groom were almost to the exit, sneaking on tippy-toes.

 

Cid blanched visibly and grabbed onto the groom's arm. “Run!”

 

But the chance to escape was gone.

 

Wutaian soldiers burst into the Temple from every door, some even crashing through a few stained glass windows.

 

Within seconds, the entire altar and area was surrounded. The friends were trapped, their rescue mission thwarted.

 

Godo stormed into the temple, shouldering his way through the soldiers. He seemed highly irritated and very mad. It was against custom for the father to see the daughter given away and now he had to come discover the commotion in the temple. And he was busy, too!

 

“What the hell is going on here?” snarled the angry father.

 

“They ruined my wedding!” Yuffie whined, gesturing to all of her one-time friends gathered around her.

 

Someone in the audience began to giggle, but it was unclear why.

 

“You!” Godo roared, storming up to a random prisoner. “Explain yourself!” he grabbed up Tifa and shook her.

 

The dark-haired girl stared at him for a moment before she began to snicker. She tried not to look at him after that but the damage was already done, the image plastered in her mind. She couldn't help it and began to laugh harder.

 

It was still unclear why.

 

The giggling in the audience got louder. Elena joined in with Tifa.

 

“Daaaaaady,” whined Yuffie. “Do some~thing!”

 

“Except Cloud… don't touch my precious snuggly-wuggly-puff,” glowered Barret, still attached to their one-time illustrious leader. Cloud couldn't help the embarrassment that spread across his cheeks as he tried to shake off the man. The gun-armed man refused to budge.

 

“Vince doesn't want to marry her!” Cid declared loudly, still struggling to break free. They had grabbed him tightly, as he was providing the most resistance.

 

“But I do,” intoned the groom that had come in with Cloud.

 

Godo threw up his hands.

 

The audience began to snicker louder.

 

It was still unclear why.

 

“I don't care. But someone's getting married today!” Godo declared. He turned an angry eye on Cloud, recognizing him as the leader. “Even if it's you,” he threatened.

 

Cloud gulped nervously, the flight instinct kicked in. Oh God… Yuffie or worse Tifa… or…. God help him… Barret. He began to struggle violently, the only thing on his mind escape.

 

“I don't wan~na marry, Clo~ud,” Yuffie whined, beginning to cry again.

 

Godo began to pace fiercely, feeling a migraine beginning to settle.

 

It suddenly occurred to the two ignored bridesmaids that the music was still playing. Exchanging glances and desiring freedom, they began to dance seductively. The audience continued to laugh, some beginning to roll on the floor in tears…

 

It was still unclear as to why.

 

The guards holding the two dancing bridesmaids gulped nervously, shifting in their stances to alleviate the sudden pressure in their overly tight pants. It was getting harder to concentrate on their duties.

 

Cloud suddenly gave a great heave, using his super-ex-SOLDIER strength -which isn't really existent because he never was in SOLDIER but that is a moot point - to kick Barret off of him. The dark-skinned man went flying right into Elena, who tried to catch him despite the fact that he was nearly three times her size.

 

Thus began a domino effect never to be seen for ages.

 

Elena crashed to the ground, Barret landing on top of her. The dark-skinned man lost control and accidentally shot a chandelier. Said item hung for all of three seconds before it came crashing down on the head of the Temple Master.

 

The balding middle-aged guy (stereotypes are so blasé) passed out and was caught by Yuffie who tripped on the edges of her dress and tumbled off of the altar right into the dancing bridesmaids.

 

They were in turn caught by their respective guards, who forgot all about the guns in their hands.

 

For the second time that day, a gun went off accidentally, zooming right over Tifa's head. Almost immediately, due to overuse of hairspray and other cosmetics, her hair caught fire. (I don't even know if that's possible but let's go with it!)

 

Tifa started screaming, running around in circles with her hair on fire. The guard had let her go, he was terrified of fire.

 

Godo started shouting, his face turning purple for someone to catch the idiotic brunette. His arms began to flap up and down like a chicken. It was actually quite amusing.

 

She ran into Cid, who pushed her away, straight into Yuffie's groom. He shoved her to the ground to smother out the flames but not before he caught his hood on fire.

 

Tifa was smoldering as her savior threw off his lit hood and tossed it to the ground, stomping on it angrily to prevent anymore fires.

 

The entire hall went silent…. except for the occasional giggle…

 

It was still unclear as to why.

 

Cid's mouth gaped open.

 

All eyes turned towards the groom who looked at them all sheepishly and ran his hands through his raven hair.

 

“Eh… surprise?”

 

* * *

 

You'll have to wait til next chapter to find out why. But don't worry. I'm hoping to make it as crazy as this one and post it sooner as well. For some reason I had plot bunny explosion on this story.

 

Please review and tell me if you found this funny or just too off the wall to be amusing.