Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ A Fate Worse Than Death ❯ I Don't Think Dao-Chao Approves ( Chapter 7 )

Warning: It is getting more and more random. I think it's just gone on its own course and is speeding quickly out of my control. Prepare for sudden costume changes, random weddings, a serious man-to-man contest, and the disappearance of a pilot.

 

Chapter 7: I'm not sure Dai-Chao approves

 

All members of AVALANCHE gaped as they beheld the now unhooded groom. He ran his hands through his spiky black locks nervously again.

 

“Where the hell is Vincent?” Yuffie demanded. She stamped her foot angrily as she immediately glared at the dark spiky-headed man, who looked remarkably like Cloud.

 

“Zack?” The swordsman gaped. Hadn't he died like years ago? What the hell was he doing in Wutai?

 

“You see that's a long story,” Zack mumbled, eyes searching for somewhere to look and finding the fascinating plain white tiled floor. “Vincent didn't want to marry Yuffie, and he wasn't about to wait for rescue. So he bribed me into doing it instead.”

 

Yuffie looked to be on the verge of tears, her visions of the perfect wedding crumbling before her eyes. “This is the absolute worst day of my life!”

 

It was at that moment that Rude chose to come forward. He walked towards the little ninja and took her hands in his. He knelt down on one knee and looked at her expectantly.

 

“I will marry you, Miss Kisaragi,” he said solemnly. “For I have always admired your beauty.”

 

“W… what?” questioned Yuffie, eyes red as she looked at Rude with an air of disbelief and surprise.

 

“For god's sake!” uttered Godo. “Somebody marry her! I want grandchildren!”

 

“I promise to always be faithful and will love you forever in all the recesses of my heart,” Rude vowed, attempting to persuade the pink-clothed wannabe bride. “And my family has always been virulent,” he added, eyes shifting towards Godo.

 

The ninja seemed doubtful for a moment but finally shrugged. “At least you want to marry me,” she mumbled under her breath.

 

Rude got to his feet, smiling broadly as he led her towards the altar. The guards began to slowly filter away as the wedding started to get back on track. Elena and Tifa busied themselves with awakening the conked out Temple Master.

 

And for some reason… the mysterious laughter in the crowd still hadn't ceased. It began to pick up again as Godo stormed around the Temple getting everything back in order for his daughter's perfect day. However, when he glared at those gathered no one offered up an explanation, giving him stony looks.

 

Finally, the stereotyped balding Temple Master came to his senses and stood shakily to his feet. He swayed until he was supported by the firm arms of the two dancers. He cleared his throat and looked over the congregation. He ignored the still clinging smoke and the copious amounts of guards.

 

Rude and Yuffie stood before him expectantly, the dark-skinned man with an uncharacteristic grin on his face.

 

“By the grace of the fourteen gods in heavens who are thusly named: Karentilinathsuiantimus, Jacticikalamanina, Corkotos-”

 

“Go with the damn short version,” Yuffie snapped angrily. The Temple Master rolled his eyes dramatically and released a heavy sigh. He shrugged his shoulders as if determining her seriousness. Her eyes breathed fire.

 

“Do you?” questioned the Master with a cocked eyebrow.

 

“Yes,” Yuffie affirmed with a steady nod.

 

“And you?”

 

There was the sound of laughter yet again… and it was still unclear as to why.

 

“With all my heart,” Rude vowed, sharing a tender eye with his wife.

 

“Kiss her and get out of here!”

 

Rude grabbed Yuffie's arm, yanked his smaller wife towards him and enveloped her in a slobbery kiss, nearly sucking her face off. At first she attempted to resist for lack of air until she decided it was easier to give in.

 

The crowd rose up in a ragged cheer even as Godo came forward to hug his daughter goodbye. The sound of laughter rose higher as some cheering faded to giggling.

 

Godo's face reddened, and he drew to his full height, trying to look scary and intimidating. This only caused the crowd to engage in more raucous laughter.

 

“Why the hell is there laughter?” the father of the bride demanded in a demanding, angry tone.

 

No one answered. Veins bulged out in his neck and vessels threatened to burst on his face. He vaguely resembled an overripe tomato as imagined steam shot from his ears. Still no one said anything as the laughter continued.

 

“The world's gone mad!” Godo screamed, throwing his hands up over his face. He shook his head violently as he stormed down the aisle in the center of the temple.

 

And following in his wake was a long line of fluttering white… the lord of Wutai had toilet paper stuck to his high-priced slippers. Laughter followed the path he had taken.

 

The Temple Master removed the hand from in front of his mouth and put both arms up into the air to ask for silence. Immediately the crowd went silent.

 

“And now the feast!!” he exclaimed in a booming voice.

 

“Wait!!!” Elena yelled, running forward with her hands waving up in the air as if she were attempting to fly. Her chest heaved as she forced in breath after breath and came to a skidding stop in front of the temple master.

 

He raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. The temple master pursed his lips and rolled his silver eyes down at the panting blond.

 

Her eyes kind of dragged over the room until they settled on the slightly taller bridesmaid standing next to the master.

 

A big smile broke out on her face, and she leapt forward, latching onto the bridesmaid's arm and dragging the bridesmaid towards her. There was a tripping of feet and a collapsing of limbs until finally the bridesmaid lay in a crumpled heap next to Elena.

 

The blond Turk reached down and picked up an arm, holding it out to the Temple Master triumphantly. Again, the man raised an eyebrow.

 

“We (gasp) are to be married (pant) next (gasp).”

 

“Eh…” began the master slowly. “I don't think Dao-Chao approves…” He eyed the elegant but skankish dress of the bridesmaid.

 

Elena reached down and started yanking off the clothes of the bridesmaid in front of the startled audience.

 

“Wahoo! Take it off!” called out a random audience member.

 

“Take it all off!!” screamed out another with a piercing whistle.

 

Clothes went flying. Cloud caught a bra. Tifa snagged a scarf and promptly wound the bright pink confection around her neck. And the horny guy in the front row got smacked in the head with an elegant shoe. He passed out.

 

Finally, when clothes were gone, a much embarrassed and decidedly reddened and half-dressed Reeve was crouched on the floor behind Elena, hiding from everyone.

 

“It's a man!” exclaimed a random female in the crowd.

 

“Brilliant deduction, dumbass!” Elena retorted with a roll of her eyes. She glared at the Temple Master, her eyes darkening and horns growing from her forehead. “Marry us!!” She growled loudly.

 

Bats screeched and emptied themselves from the eaves above.

 

The Temple Master went white, and his body started to shake. The other bridesmaid edged closer to him and whispered softly in his ear, “I think you should do as she says.”

 

The master nodded and gulped loudly. “As you wish, my lady…. eh, the short version?”

 

Elena nodded vigorously. She stomped her foot and immediately Reeve stood to his feet, wearing nothing save a pair of tighty whities. (But I will bet you he looked DAMN good!! Hee hee.)

 

There was a decidedly excited whistle from someone in the audience. They weren't sure who it was directed at.

 

The Temple Master sighed and eyed the two before him. He could only assume that they wanted the short version as well.

 

“Do you?”

 

Elena looked over at Reeve with stars shining in her eyes and sighed dreamily. “Forever and ever and ever…”

 

The Master threw up a hand. “I get the point. And you sir?”

 

There was a distinct quiet pause as the ex-executive's eyes shifted back and forth. He swore that the words were on the tip of his tongue, but he wasn't sure which words they were. He looked over at his blond girlfriend and saw that his silence was beginning to brew a storm. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in the dark-headed man's side.

 

“Right….” said Reeve finally, drawing out the last syllable of the word.

 

Elena was elated by this. She jumped up and down, clapping her hands together with the largest smile on her face. She wrapped her arms around Reeve's neck and enveloped him in the largest, sloppiest kiss she could before the Temple Master could even tell her that she was to.

 

There was a definite cheering in the crowd.

 

The second bridesmaid threw off the veil with a flourish revealing that it was in fact Reno beneath the sheer fabric. The cheering turned to whistling and hollering as the red-haired Turk grabbed the nearest person and kissed them too, not wanting to be left out of the action.

 

Except… it happened to be Cloud.

 

“Get it on!!” came a distinctly male voice from the audience in a rough tone followed by a shout of joy.

 

Reno wrapped his arms around the shorter blond and kissed him for what he was worth, slipping him the tongue at every opportunity, forcing him backwards as if they had been dancing.

 

Then the mayhem erupted… and Cid slipped out the back door.

 

A huge dark-skinned fist pummeled the red-haired man in the face. It all seemed to happen in slow motion as Reno's head snapped backwards, his nose broken.

 

“That's my snooky bear!!” Barret bellowed.

 

Cloud fell to the ground on his ass, slightly dazed from his intense make out session.

 

“That is my best friend!” Rude exclaimed, jumping on Barret's back and trying to take him down.

 

“Sweetie! No fighting!” Yuffie squealed, grabbing onto the back of Rude's tux and attempting to pull him off of Barret.

 

Elena appeared out of nowhere, screaming a hiyah! as she kicked the bride's feet out from under her.

 

Reeve seemed at a loss. He stood there in his underwear and slowly started backing away towards the far door. It wasn't legal yet… he hadn't signed any papers… it wasn't legal yet.

 

Tifa joined the fray. “Oh, Cloud, are you alright?” (Never mind that Cloud wasn't the one who was hit.) She slid to her knees at his side and pulled his head into her lap, stroking his hair and cooing softly. “Don't worry. Your cowgirl will take care of her chocobo.”

 

The yellow-headed one-time swordsman immediately arose from his stupor, arms flailing to get free. But Tifa was freakishly strong. She held him tightly, a weird smile plastered on her face.

 

“No!!!!” Barret screamed in a voice of anguish, seeing the dark-haired girl clinging to his `snooky bear'. He tried to walk with the weight of Rude on his back and now the weight of Zack on his foot.

 

Why the spiky dark-haired man suddenly considered it his fight was as much of a mystery as to why he still lived.

 

Reno leapt up from the floor and wiped his face with the back of his hand, smearing blood across his cheek. It really wasn't the most… lust-inducing sight. He put up his fists and got in Barret's view.

 

“Cloud is mine! Fight me like a man instead of a sucker!” declared the red-haired Turk. He had a characteristic grin on his face and tried to look intimidating though he still wore the garb of a bridesmaid.

 

“Whoo! Take it off Strawberry!” It could only be assumed that the male cheerleader was speaking to Reno.

 

It wasn't legal yet… Reeve was still sneaking towards the back door. He was backpedaling slowly, trying not to draw undue attention to himself.

 

“Hey! The naked guy's getting away! Get him!” called out the tattle-tale.

 

Reeve froze, looking very much like a deer in headlights. A crowd of hungry women and lustful men both suddenly stood up in the audience and turned their attentions onto the half-dressed handsome god of a man. (Whoo! Please ignore the fangirl eye. It's the fault of my beta.)

 

His amber eyes widened with terror, and he took off running not caring to where. His bare feet padded across the floor as Reeve collided out the front temple doors.

 

“Baby!” screeched Elena in worry. She scrambled up off the floor where she had been wrestling with Yuffie, dripping in something that looked remarkably like honey. Someone in the audience, it wasn't sure why or how it was in their possession, had drizzled the substance on the two fighting women.

 

She saw Reeve running out the door chased by a small crowd of frantic fangirls and boys, and her eyes bugged out. Elena began to follow after them, drawing her gun and firing warning shots in the air. Yet, she had underestimated the tenacity of the fanperson character. They weren't at all afraid and continued the chase.

 

The Temple Master threw up his hands and gave up. He slowly began to back away and head for the far doors, escaping from the mayhem.

 

“Get your goons off of me, and we will settle this like men!” Barret roared angrily. He threw Rude off his back and kicked Zack away. Yuffie went chasing after her new husband, and the dark-haired man hit the far wall with a thunk!

 

Cloud was still struggling within Tifa's grasp, and she was cooing to him, promising all sorts of things that only scared him any more. The yellow-haired man was getting paler and paler.

 

“Agreed.” Reno nodded and stepped back a step to allow the dark-haired man some room. Barret rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck, a huge grin settling on his face. He easily towered over the Turk and was almost twice the red-head's size.

 

The two men squared off as the remaining audience, and the companions all watched in awe and a bit of fear. There was bloodshed to be had and it was not going to be pretty. They circled each other, watching like hawks. Aquamarine eyes met brown, glare met smirk, as opponents were sized up.

 

Then they stopped, firming their stance for fighting. Reno angled his body slightly, leaning forwards with his left fist extended out from his body. Barret stood staring straight ahead, feet firmly planted with his left fist pushed out in front of him.

 

Yuffie walked between them with a sign printed in bright letters, the number 1. Where she had gotten it from was a mystery in itself. It seemed that was a common occurrence in the group's life.

 

Barret and Reno exchanged nods.

 

“Rock!” Barret hollered, throwing out his fist.

 

“Paper!” shouted Reno, repeating the dark-skinned man's action.

 

“Scissors!” they screamed in unison, casting out their hands in all the same motion.

 

“Damn!” they cursed in accord. Both had chosen Rock.

 

“Rematch!” chimed Yuffie happily. She now held a sign that said 2, her outfit remarkably changed to that of an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow polka dot bikini.

 

“Rock!”

 

“Paper!”

 

“Scissors!”

 

“Damn!” This time it was paper for both.

 

“You're going down!” snarled Barret. “The spiky-headed one is mine!”

 

“I would never lose to a man taller than me!” argued Reno in return, stomping his foot angrily. He glared at the dark-skinned man and stuck his nose in the air.

 

“Round 3!” cheered the ninja, now surprisingly excited about the whole ordeal. It seemed her ruined wedding was a thing of the past, and the bloodshed before her was far more interesting. She held a sign declaring three, glittering with metallic sparkles and even more extravagant than the last.

 

“Rock!” screamed Barret in a louder, more aggressive tone.

 

“I swear to All Creation,” Reno began. “If we are matched the same again, there must be something wrong.”

 

“Too true,” nodded Barret in agreement.

 

“Paper!” yelled Reno.

 

“Oh, for heaven's sake!” came a voice, interrupted Zack pushing himself through the crowd. He stepped between the two men. “This can be settled in a more civilized manner. The bloodshed must end!”

 

The two dueling men blinked at the seriousness in their friends tone. The audience began to murmur quietly, nodding their heads in agreement.

 

Reno frowned. “Then what do you suggest?”

 

Zack put his fist to his chin and hummed quietly to the tune of Britney Spears as he considered his options. Out of nowhere, the xylophone in the back of the temple began to chime to the tune of Jeopardy. He tapped his foot in time to the beat as he contemplated. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers, a great smile breaking over his face.

 

“I've got it!” he exclaimed. “It shall be fight to the death between you two, gun against Electro Rod. That is the only safe way to deal with this… mutual attraction for the same lucky man.”

 

Barret nodded slowly. “I think I could agree to that.”

 

“Seems reasonable to me.” Reno shrugged. “To the death, right?”

 

“Of course. It shouldn't be any other way,” added in Zack, nodding vigorously.

 

The dark-skinned man grinned as he rubbed his hands… err… his hand and gun together. “Cloud is going to be mine.”

 

“In your dreams,” the red-headed Turk snorted. “The spiky-headed man will be sleeping with me tonight.”

 

“No!” screamed Cloud in refusal. He pushed Tifa off of him and shook her away from his leg like one would a frantic puppy. “I want Cid!”

 

The entire temple went silent as heads swiveled back and forth to search for the aforementioned named pilot. He was nowhere to be found.

 

“And thus the potion that started this whole mess!” Elena yelled with her hands on her hips.

 

“Let's just get the hell up out of here!” issued Cloud in a loud voice. There was a nod of assent. He started towards the door, determination set in his features.

 

“Wait!” Zack exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. Silence fell over the audience and friends gathered as they waited for him to say what was on his mind. “I have an announcement to make.”

 

Cloud continued to creep towards the back door, trying not to bring undue attention to himself.

 

“Just get it over with!” exclaimed someone in the audience. He was shot a dirty look.

 

“I want to marry Tifa!” shouted Zack at the top of his lungs. There was a stunned silence.

 

“That's it?” called out someone else. It was a rather vocal audience that had attended Yuffie's wedding.

 

Tifa stood up and looked from Zack to Cloud, a confused expression on her face.

 

Zack ran up to her and grabbed up her hands in his own. He knelt down and gave her a starry expression. “Dark-haired beauty, your smile and lilting angel voice has captured my heart since I first laid eyes on you. Will you be mine?”

 

“Ummm,” Tifa chewed her lips nervously, giving a longing glance towards Cloud. She looked back at Zack and realized how similar the two men actually were. “Can we dye your hair blond?”

 

“You have got to be kidding me!” exclaimed that same voice from the audience. The one that commented, the one that whooped, and the one that hollered.

 

“Enough!” Reno screamed. “I've had it!” He leapt into the audience and found the faceless voice.

 

It was clobbering time.

 

* * *

 

Beware the madness! Things get crazier! I'm ending here because it just seemed right. I am going to try and update quicker now that Shattered Ice is momentarily finished.

 

I'm sensing…. 3 more chapters maybe? And finally some smut… eventually.

 

Leave a review before you go, and I will be most grateful.