Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ A Fate Worse Than Death ❯ I Still Haven't Screwed Him Yet ( Chapter 8 )

Thanks for all the reviews! You keep me going!

 

Yes, this is a perfect example of what happens when my mind absorbs too much angst. The craziness has to come out somewhere. Be prepared for even more zany action.

 

It's crazy… it's wild… it's A Fate Worse Than Death!!!

 

Nanaki won't stop talking…more dead and alive people and another duel for the heart of another, and Cid is suffering from the biggest case of blue balls on this side of… whatever the hell their planet is called!!

 

Chapter 8: I still haven't screwed him yet!!

 

A lone figure dressed in the traditional Wutaiian soldier's garb flitted from shadow to shadow in the deserted streets of Wutai. Crimson eyes peeked out from beneath a hat pulled low over a brow as they peered around corners before moving to the next dimness. Boots clomped softly on the stone beneath his feet.

 

It was Vincent. He had just escaped from the palace not but twenty minutes beforehand and was slowly making his way out of the tourist town. He had his PHS, and he had plans. He was going to flee to the Highwind to make his escape. There was no way he was going to marry Yuffie and cook and clean for the rest of his life.

 

She wanted him to sew, too!! Of all the nerve! Vincent Valentine, ex-assassin, does not sew frills or lace… stripes maybe… but absolutely no frills! None.

 

The ex-Turk was extremely glad that he ran into Zack at one point in his captivity at the palace in Wutai. The swordsman was so kind as to play decoy, while Vincent got away. It cost him his brand new Demon Gate rifle but it was well worth it in the dark-haired man's eyes.

 

Vincent threw his back up against the wall behind him and froze when he heard the sound of laughing voices. He listened intently as their footsteps faded and their conversation dimmed. He peered out of the deserted, shadowed alleyway and saw that the streets were now clear. The ex-Turk breathed a sigh of relief and started to creep out of the alley, keeping to the shadows and staying close to potential hiding places.

 

“Psst!” The dark-haired man whipped around at the hissed sound but couldn't see anything, save a rather large brown-haired dog wagging its tail excitedly.

 

For a moment he thought himself mad as he turned back towards the exit and continued creeping through Wutai.

 

“Psst!” He had managed to move another five steps or so when the hissed sound repeated. Vincent looked around yet again and still it was just the animal behind him.

 

Sighing angrily and scanning the streets, the ex-Turk prepared to make a run for it. The front gate was not far and hopefully, dressed as he was, no one would bother him or stop him. He tensed his muscles, ready to spring.

 

“Psst!” There it was again.

 

Thinking himself crazy and sure that he was going to regret it, Vincent turned around and noted that like before only the shaggy brown dog was behind him.

 

He crept towards the immobile animal with a wagging tail and sighed. He tried to form words and stumbled a bit, feeling every bit the fool.

 

“Did you…” he cleared his throat when he paused, eyeing the area around him to make sure there were no witnesses. “Did you just… psst?” asked the ex-Turk of the dog.

 

The animal cocked its head to the side and gave him a questioning look as if it didn't comprehend the words coming out of Vincent's mouth. The tail wagged repeatedly but the canine did not answer.

 

“I'm going out of my mind,” Vincent mumbled under his breath as he smacked himself in the head. He patted the fuzzy brown head a few times then concentrated on sneaking out. In about ten minutes the wedding was going to start, and his disappearance would be discovered. He didn't have much time.

 

He turned his back on the canine and began to move down the street, still scanning for anyone who might try to stop him. He scarcely heard the footsteps before a heavy weight crashed into him from the back.

 

The ex-Turk fell to the ground, something weighty sitting on him.

”What the hell?” cursed Vincent, trying to get out from under the unknown object. However, it was much heavier than his slight weight.

 

Suddenly, there was distinctly masculine laughter and the heavy thing on his back began to shake. “Fooled you! Ha, ha, ha!” came a voice he well recognized.

 

“Nanaki! You haven't grown up yet?” Vincent questioned with a groan. “Get off me, mutt!”

 

The weight left his back, and the ex-Turk pushed himself to his feet and glared at his fellow friend.

 

“I fooled you though, didn't I?” questioned the lion wolf still dressed in brown fur.

 

“What have you done to yourself?”

 

“It's my disguise! Bright red and orange fur is a bit distinctive, you know,” said Nanaki, nodding victoriously. “I see my plan worked then. You're free.”

 

“Hmph,” Vincent muttered. “I don't know what you're talking about. Let's get out of here though. I don't have time to stand around and talk.” He pushed past the lion wolf and started to stride up the streets.

 

“So, how were the dancers?” asked Nanaki, padding up beside him.

 

“Eh?” questioned Vincent.

 

“And the swinging from the rafters, did he hit the X?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

“It was all my idea you know. Every bit of it. The liberative women and the dancing bridesmaids and Rude proposing. All of it. Except Barret… I didn't tell him to do anything, but he disappeared anyways. I wrote the script-“

 

“Nanaki…”

 

“I was trying to show them the horrors of getting married, while sticking to tradition. I didn't want to start a war you know. That would be bad. After all, we all just fought for our lives two years ago, and I would hate to-“

 

“Nanaki…” began Vincent again, trying to get a word in edgewise. Yet, the motor-mouth lion wolf was not stopping.

 

“I mean, Sephiroth was the ultimate badass. He was a tough one. And well, I don't want to see anyone hurt anymore. I just want to see everyone happy and that's why I suggested helping Rude to marry Yuffie. After all, he's been in love with the ninja for quite some time and-“

 

“Nanaki!!” the ex-Turk snapped loudly, his patience worn thin.

 

“What?” the lion wolf questioned, looking up at Vincent innocently.

 

He sighed. “What are you talking about?”

 

Nanaki, dressed as a brown-haired dog, blinked for a moment. “Why, Yuffie's wedding, of course.”

 

“How in the hell do you call all that,” said Vincent waving his hands about in a big circle to represent an encompassing of all of the lion wolf's words. “Talking about Yuffie's wedding?” His voice had nearly reached that of shrieking proportions.

 

An old lady went walking by and raised her head alarmingly. She noticed that the dark-haired Wutaiian soldier was talking to a dog and wondered if Godo was actually getting that desperate. She wandered up to Vincent and placed a light and gentle touch on his arm. The dark-haired ex-Turk looked down at the woman, his eyes wide at having his personal space invaded.

 

“Its okay, dearie,” said the elderly lady with grey hair. She leaned in close to Vincent. “We all go a little crazy sometimes.” She patted his arm twice then ambled along her away.

 

The dark-haired gunman could only gape after her in astonishment, unable to come up with the proper retort as he heard Nanaki stifle his giggling behind him.

 

“Let's just get out of here,” mumbled Vincent, shaking his head. “There's a blond out there with my name on his ass.”

 

* * *

Cid Highwind crept down the deserted hallways of the temple. He had escaped the first available chance and had made it his goal to find the missing ex-Turk. He had already searched the entire temple and learned that the groom should have been there the entire time. Therefore, Vincent was either somewhere in Wutai or already on his way to the Highwind. Cid was inclined to believe the latter.

 

Most of the rooms were empty. Some contained worshippers, who had lit incense that filled the room with its heady smoke. Cid wasn't sure if he liked the giddy feeling the smoke gave him.

 

As he walked, he began to tear off the nice tuxedo that he had dressed himself in. Now that there was no Vincent to see him in it right away, he couldn't stand to be in the outfit any longer. He pulled off the tie and heavy jacket and threw them on the floor. They belonged to Reeve anyways… its not like the pilot cared for them.

 

Cid stumbled as he stepped into the four-way hallway. He looked to the left, then the right, then forwards, then backwards, then repeated all four movements again. Every which way seemed the same. White walls, white tiles, but wait, what's this? There were arrows on the floor, painted in bright purple all pointing down each respective hallway. It all made so much more sense now.

 

For some reason, he was beginning to feel very happy… giddy even. Thoughts of the raven-haired ex-Turk made him want to giggle with glee.

 

Cid looked left, then right, then up, then behind him and finally settled on going left. After all, right was usually wrong and left was always right. He began to wonder in his mind exactly what he was going to do to Vincent first, when he finally caught him of course. There was so much to do… suck him, lick him, touch him, feel him, fuck him to the ground… bam!

 

The pilot rubbed his nose with a hand angrily as he was brought up short. It felt as if he had just run into a wall, but there was nothing in front of him. He shook his head and continued forward, convinced it had all been a dream.

 

Thud! He slammed face forward into the invisible wall. An egg-sized knot was beginning to form on his forehead.

 

“Fuckin' stupid ass lazy summa-“ Cid began to curse angrily. He reached out a tentative hand and pushed it forward but felt nothing. He waved his hands in the air all about in front of him, searching for the wall he had crashed into. Still, there was nothing.

 

Not wanting to take his chances, the pilot sighed and turned on his heels. He would go the other direction and take another left.

 

Whack! What the-? Now the wall was behind him. As Cid rubbed the bump that was beginning to form on his temple, he began to think that he was losing his mind. His head was spinning and suddenly he began to feel just a bit hungry… a thick, juicy steak sounded good at the moment.

 

And back in the temple… an all out brawl was ensuing. However, that was unimportant for the general story line and as such was not discussed.

 

There was the distinct sound of high-pitched giggling behind him. Cid turned around and ran into another invisible barrier. He cursed loudly as he scanned the room for the source of the giggling.

 

There was a little child standing there with long silver hair and glowing green eyes.

”Shall I send you some despair?” the child questioned in a high-pitched tone. He cocked his head to the side and regarded the pilot with a disinterested smile.

 

“What the… hell?” questioned Cid, turning his famous angry glare upon the impudent black leather clad abomination before him. As usual, it didn't work.

 

“You are a puppet, and I am the puppet master,” the child continued. He began to inspect his fingernails, though they were clad in leather gloves. The child frowned when he noticed that they were in fact dirty.

 

The pilot shook his head. Perhaps there was something in that incense… “How do I get the hell out of here, brat?”

 

“Silly rabbit,” the child giggled, covering his mouth with one hand. “Trix are for kids.”

 

Cid sighed. “Look, kid. I don't have time for games. There is a dark-haired sexy beast out there waiting on me to come fu- uh…” The pilot eyed the child. “Uh… play with him. How do I get past these walls?”

 

“To see the world in a grain of sand,” responded the boy. He put his arms behind his back and rocked back and forth on his heels. “And eternity in an hour. The Promised Land will be mine, he, he.”

 

Cid's mouth dropped open as he glared at the green-eyed boy. Something about him seemed vaguely familiar, from the heavily-buckled boots, to the black leather, to the long silver hair, and glowing green cat-like eyes. He snapped his fingers in sudden recognition. “Loz?”

 

The child shook his head negatively.

 

“Yazoo?”

 

Again, no.

 

“Kadaj?” He had to be right with that guess.

 

The little boy giggled and reached behind him, pulling out a silver sword that was nearly twice his own height. He stroked the handle lovingly. “This is Bessie, my pet cow. She almost helped me take over the world. Too bad meanie chocobo head had to kill me.”

 

Cid choked. “Sephiroth? It… it can't be… You're dead.”

 

The silver haired boy smiled. “So is Zack but that didn't stop him.” He neither denied nor affirmed his identity.

 

The pilot surreptitiously reached for his spear, then cursed loudly when he realized he did not have it.

 

“Mother!” the child screamed, suddenly thrusting the sword at the pilot.

Cid nimbly dodged out of the way then turned to run. He had had enough of Wutaiian games.

 

Thwock! Damn that fucking clear ass….

 

Cid Highwind fell to the floor, unconscious.

 

* * *

 

Vincent and Nanaki breathed heavily as they crested the final hill and caught sight of the Highwind, which was gleaming majestically in the autumn sun.

 

“Is it just me, or did it seem farther to walk this time?” gasped out the dark-haired ex-Turk.

 

“Definitely farther,” Nanaki agreed with a gulp. “Mayhaps the crew moved it after fixing it. Because you know, that type of thing happens every day. Maybe there was an earthquake, and the ground split and in fear of falling in, they were forced to move the Highwind. But, then again, they should have moved it closer. I would have moved it in such a way, but no one ever accused them of being as smart as I-“

 

“Nanaki,” interrupted Vincent with a clearing of his throat. “I think I get the point.”

 

The red-haired lion wolf sighed and shut his mouth. At one point he had shed his costume. Sometimes the ex-Turk could be so non-communicative.

 

They made their way to the entrance of the airship and found to their surprise that Cid was already there, leaning against the wall of the open doorway to the cargo room. He seemed bored as his arms were crossed and his head lay back against the wall. Actually… it seemed more like he was sleeping.

 

Vincent and Nanaki watched with interested expressions as Cid snorted, smacked his lips, and slowly started to slip to the side, his back sliding along the wall.

 

The dark-haired man started forward as if to catch him, but Nanaki grabbed his pants leg. It would be far more amusing if he didn't.

 

Giggling, Nanaki sat back and watched. He and Vincent slowly crept forward. Cid started to mumble, another snore escaping from his mouth. Slowly the blond started to slide down the wall. Clothing swished quietly until… thunk!

 

“Damn!” Cid cursed, coming to a start as he lay on the ground. He wiped on his mouth with the back of his hand and wiped away the saliva that had drizzled there.

 

With a growl, and his giggles done, Vincent threw up his hands and crept towards the pilot, pouncing before Cid could do anything.

 

He landed on the pilot with an oof and straddled his body. Immediately, the gunman enveloped the blond in a searing, sensual kiss. He had been dreaming of doing such a thing for so long. Cid wrapped his arms around the dark-haired man wriggling on top of him and cupped his ass, squeezing gently.

 

“How the hell did you get here before us?” Nanaki questioned, interrupting their moment.

 

Vincent broke away from the kiss and turned to give Nanaki his most famous glare. The red-haired lion wolf shrunk back in fear, growing a few grey strands around his face before he knew what had happened. Vincent's glare was far more potent than the pilot's.

 

“Taxi… after I ran into Sephiroth,” shrugged Cid. He looked up at Vincent and squeezed the gunman's ass again. The ex-Turk took the hint, and they resumed their making out. The fact that Cid had mentioned Sephiroth was a null and void idea because they were too busy with more important things.

 

Vincent slipped his tongue inside Cid's mouth as he moved his right arm to the hem of the pilot's shirt and started to creep beneath the fabric, running his fingers through the small line of hair that began at the hem line and continued upwards. He murmured a moan as he felt arousal shooting straight to his groin.

 

The sound of angry honking interrupted them yet again. The gunman was contemplating murder, while Cid was wondering just how much more he could take before he went Meteor on everyone's ass.

 

“Hey! Stop! Hey!” An easily recognized voice caused the two men to stop yet again.

 

Vincent and Cid looked up to find that Cloud was being thrown out of a taxi, face first. The spiky-headed man tasted dirt before he pushed himself up off the ground and shot the driver the bird.

 

The pale man driving the taxi spluttered and spun his tires, throwing more mud onto the fallen swordsman. “Cheap bastard!” cursed the taxi driver before he pulled off and headed back towards Wutai.

 

The two men shook their heads sadly and sighed heavily as they slowly got to their feet. If it weren't for that horrifically huge sword…

 

“What are you doing?” Nanaki questioned, regarding the swordsman with a raised eyebrow.

 

“I must,” he paused to spit out some dirt as he rose shakily to his feet. “I must stop this farce before it begins!” Cloud declared loudly, raising one trembling hand to the air and pointing triumphantly.

 

“Not again,” Cid mumbled with a sigh. “Will the madness never end?”

 

“The potion (spit) was mine! It was meant for Cid!” Cloud announced, brushing dirt off his clothes and straightening up his stance. “I have loved him from day one!”

 

The pilot threw his hand to his forehead and shook his head in despair. He sighed louder than before. Was getting the gunman to bed going to be that much of a difficulty!?!

 

“I think not!” Vincent asserted loudly. “I still haven't screwed him yet!”

 

“We should settle this like friends.” Nanaki nodded, noticing the potential fight that was ensuing. Perhaps the friendship of years ago was only thinly veiled tension.

 

“I know of only one way to prove my love!” pronounced Cloud. He grinned at the other blond and licked his lips suggestively.

 

“This is ridiculous! I'm not sure I want it anymore,” Cid wailed.

 

Vincent turned around and put his hands on his hips. He cocked an eyebrow and regarded the pilot with an air of disbelief. He scoffed. “Excuse me? Not want this?” He gestured towards his own body with a flourish and glared at Cid with a sexual intent.

 

The pilot's blue gaze was instantly captured by the bounty before him. Vincent might be wearing different garb than the usual black and red, but he looked hot nonetheless. The soldier's clothing clung to his lithe body in all the right places and accentuated the bulge at his groin that was slowly fading but was impressive nonetheless. His pale skin glowed in the light of the setting sun, and his hair shone as if it had just been brushed, the hat having long been lost. He was breathtaking, and Cid found he couldn't look away.

 

His own jeans suddenly felt tight, and his mouth began to water. Fuck that! He wanted Vincent! His hands itched to pounce.

 

The gunman smirked. “That's what I thought.” He returned his attentions to the angry blond, who was still gazing hopefully at the pilot. “This is done. You are no longer wanted. Shoo!” Vincent said, waving his hands at Cloud as if he were an errant puppy.

 

“Of all the nerve!” Cloud huffed, putting his hands on his hips and pouting angrily. Vincent was not amused.

 

“C'mon Vincent,” Cid urged, dancing from foot to foot. “Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!”

 

The gunman shrugged and turned away from Cloud. He and the pilot locked arms, and they began to head into the airship, Nanaki trotting after them. The swordsman was left gaping outside.

 

“W-wait?” Cloud protested lamely. They ignored him. The object of his affections was getting away! This couldn't be! He hadn't suffered through Tifa to give up now!

 

“Now, wait just a damn minute!” Cloud ordered, stomping his foot and drawing his sword. He glared as best he could at the two men as they turned to give him a look.

 

“He deserves someone who will love and cherish him. Give him all he wants, and only I am capable of doing that!” the swordsman announced proudly.

 

Vincent opened his mouth to speak when a strange rumbling stopped him.

The ground was shaking and in the distance… a plume of dust smoke was rising.

 

* * *

Yet another good place to stop.

 

As things get odder, I am sure you are wondering, is the madness going to end? Where is the smut? Have you lost your mind?

 

The answers will come soon. I won't drag this on for much longer cause I am anxious to start working on Shattered Dreams.

 

And behold, the smut is coming soon!

I wonder if this makes anyone laugh as much as I do whilst I write it. Leave a review before you go, and I will be very excited.