Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Body Switch ❯ Fortune ( Chapter 1 )

Warning: Oral, Lemon, Yaoi, Het, Language, intentional OOC, Parody, sexual humor, Randomness and whatever the hell else I erratically decide to throw in there. Expect to see random characters from all Final Fantasies as well as Kingdom Hearts. If you've read A Fate Worse Than Death, then you know what to expect.

 

This is a request piece for my sister for her birthday since I'm broke.

 

Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit from the writing of this fic. Square-Enix has that honor.

 

Chapter One - Fortune

 

“Please explain to me why we have to go to dinner with him again,” Cloud whined as he jerked on the tie around his neck, half-choking when it tightened far more than he had meant it to. He glared at the gaudy contraption, wishing a fiery death upon it as Tifa clucked her tongue and stepped forward, fixing it for him.

 

She sighed. “Don't be that way, sweetie. They are our friends and you need to cease this foolish rivalry with Sephiroth. It's both childish and unhealthy.”

 

Cloud scoffed, rolling his eyes at her. “He started it,” the blond retorted, throwing open the closet door to find the suit to finish up his ensemble. “And I hate Wutaiian food. It's spicy,” he grumbled for good measure, ignoring Tifa's playful ruffling of his hair as she sauntered into the bathroom to apply another layer of make up.

 

“He thinks he is so cool just because he was voted number one video game villain three years running,” added in the spiky-haired man, raising his voice so she could hear him through the door and over the sound of the sink running. “Doesn't matter that I keep kicking his ass in battle. Noooo, all he cares about is the fans. I've got fans, too.”

 

“Um-hmm,” Tifa replied distractedly, coming out of the bathroom after spritzing a hefty amount of hair spray to hold her coif in place.

 

Cloud snorted, finally selecting a charcoal grey suit jacket that enhanced the sparkle of his eyes. Or so Tifa said when she bought it for him. It was wrinkled but he didn't care. “You know, he actually said that I have it easier because I'm the hero.” He began to mock his rival in a whiny voice that sounded nothing like him. “Do you know how hard it is to be evil? Especially when you look this good?”

 

“I don't believe he said something like that,” Tifa admonished as she switched out her earrings and shot her boyfriend a disbelieving look. “You complain every time he asks us out to eat, Cloud. Then you guys fight over who gets to pay the check. And argue over whose food was better. Then you fight over whose sex life is kinkier--"

 

Cloud smirked. “And I win,” he filled in smugly, shooting her a look as he reached to pinch her butt. She danced out of his range, shaking a finger at her.

 

“The point is, I'm not putting up with your immaturity this time,” she countered. “I want you to behave for once. Please? For me, snookums?”

 

He grimaced at the pet name, wrinkling his nose at the thought of having to `play nice' with Sephiroth. Zack was okay, not that he ever would have believed in a million years that the great silver-haired man was gay. Then again, if the skin-tight leather, long hair and over-compensating long sword were any indication, perhaps he ought to get his gaydar checked.

 

Wait a minute. Did straight men even have gaydar?

 

Tifa batted her chocolate-cherry eyes at him, kissing him on the lips and finally he sighed, rolling his eyes. “Fine,” he acquiesced, giving another token tug to his tie. “I'll try not to argue.”

 

She smiled, throwing her arms around him in a big hug and pushing her very big, very soft breasts against his chest. He smiled. “But if he brings up Nibelheim again, I'm kicking his ass.”

 

- - - - -

 

“You're going to have to do a lot better than that to convince me,” Sephiroth gasped as he tangled his hands in dark spikes. His eyes shuttered closed as a groan of pleasure escaped his mouth when a wet tongue swept across his cock, bringing him closer and closer to orgasm.

 

Crystalline blue eyes looked up at him, winking playfully as Zack took him deeper, until the head of his arousal brushed the back of the other's throat. He hissed, clenching tighter as he thrust upwards into the warm cavern. “That... that might do it,” he moaned.

 

He heard Zack chuckle, the light sound making vibrations along his shaft. He groaned, moving his hips restlessly as deft hands found his scrotum, kneading the flesh and making a warm flush spread across his entire body. His lover was far too talented for his own good. He knew just the right methods to convince him when he didn't want to do something, such as dinner with Cloud and Tifa.

 

A tongue swept around his shaft as Zack tightened his lips. Sephiroth groaned, bucking his hips helplessly into his lover's mouth. His fingers curled tighter as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, heart beating in his chest. Hot, moist lips left a burning trail in their wake as his hips lifted, skin afire. The pleasure built up until it was a blinding hot blaze.

 

As if sensing he was close, Zack drove down and took him deep, tightening his lips almost impossibly around Sephiroth's cock. Helplessly, his back arched as he came, letting out a fierce groan as shudders of ecstasy wracked his body, nearly pulling out dark black spikes. Zack swallowed him down before lapping up any remaining traces, tucking him neatly back into his slacks as Sephiroth leaned his head back against the couch, desperately trying to regain his breath and his wits.

 

“Is that enough convincing?” Zack whispered seductively as he leaned upwards, curling his tongue around Sephiroth's ear. His fingers lingered over the zipper to Sephiroth's pants more than they should have, stroking the half-hard erection beneath.

 

Green eyes shot him a baleful stare. “I still don't like him,” he grumbled, grabbing the back of Zack's neck and dragging him forward for a kiss. “I'm tired of listening to him gripe and moan about being the hero,” he added against his lover's lips.

 

Zack sighed, shaking his head as he pulled back from the embrace, rising from the couch to seek out some clothes. Somehow, he didn't think that the others would be pleased about him showing up in his boxers, even if Sephiroth appreciated the view.

 

“You know,” he tossed over the shoulder as he threw open the closer door, perusing the jumble of shirts and pants and sweaters all thrown in a haphazard fashion. “You guys used to be close.”

 

“Used to be is the key phrase here,” Sephiroth shot back, finally finding enough energy to rise from the couch and slip into the bathroom to fix his hair. “Before he decided to take the role originally meant for me.”

 

Zack laughed as he selected a slightly wrinkled pale blue button-up. He threw it on, delaying the buttoning for a moment as he followed his lover into the bathroom. He put his chin on Sephiroth's shoulder as the older male brushed his teeth.

 

“You know that you make a better villain than a super hero. I don't think you can pull of that obvious cluelessness.” He ruffled silver hair. “You're not a blond Sephy.”

 

Green eyes rolled as he spat into the sink. “I hate Wutaiian food,” he groused for good measure. “It's too spicy.”

 

Zack kissed the side of his neck before buttoning up his shirt. “Please don't argue this time. As much as I enjoy it, I'd prefer not to break up another fight. I really don't want to have to buy another restaurant.”

 

Sephiroth snorted. “Cloud started it last time. He should have been the one to pay for it.” He waved his toothbrush in the air as if mimicking the fight. “He said, `You cheated, Sephiroth' and `You just don't understand because you've got it easy'. He deserved it.” Except the last came out somewhat muffled as the toothbrush returned to his mouth, performing its civic duty and keeping the general's mouth fresh and clean.

 

“You're pitiful,” Zack countered as he grinned, brushing a hand through his hair in an effort to make it look like he somewhat attempted to dress up. He forewent the tie and left the top button of his shirt loose even as he admired the well-cut fit to Sephiroth's black slacks. “You guys always fight. Over everything. Even our sex life.”

 

“Which I win,” interjected Sephiroth, reaching for a brush to ease the kinks out of his hair. “Now as much as I enjoy the view, how about some pants otherwise we will be late for your dinner.”

 

Zack smacked Sephiroth on the ass before holding up his hands. “Aw, you're excited aren't you,” he teased as he danced out of the room, diving back into the outrageously cluttered closet. Sephiroth always shuddered at just one look at it.

 

“Eager to look into those bright ocean eyes?”

 

The silver-haired man growled as he swept his long locks up into a loose ponytail, grimacing as he accidentally yanked out a few strands. “Don't go there, Zack, just don't go there.”

 

The other man's voice echoed from inside the closet. “If I promise handcuffs, will you behave?”

 

“I can't promise that.” He eased into the bedroom, unable to resist the boxer-clad bum sticking up in the air. He groped the plump cheeks as he reached over Zack's back for one of his ties hanging organized on a rack.

 

“I meant at dinner,” came Zack's muffled reply. “No threats to take over his mind. No bringing up the past and no eyeballing the waiter.”

 

Sephiroth harrumphed. “That guy was ogling me,” he countered as he slipped the tie around his neck before grabbing Zack from behind, jerking his lover into his embrace.

 

“Seph, I mean it. I don't feel like bailing either of you out of jail.” Eyelids fluttered over crystalline orbs as Sephiroth's hands ghosted over the flesh of his exposed collarbone and a half-hard shaft ground against his ass. “You don't want to do that to poor Tifa, now do you?”

 

Warm lips traced along the side of his neck as another hand crept around his waist, rubbing the heel of his palm against Zack's groin. “Seph...”

 

The silver-haired man sighed aggravated as he knocked his forehead against the back of Zack's head. “Fine,” he agreed, warm breath puffing on Zack's neck. “I shall try.”

 

Zack released a sigh of relief as he turned around in his lover's arms. He pressed their lips together for a kiss. “Thank you.”

 

“But if he brings up Meteor again, I cannot guarantee that I will be civil.”

 

- - - - -

 

“I knew he would be late,” Cloud grumbled, shooting his girlfriend an irritated glare. “He always wants to arrive with a flourish. The orchestra playing, the choir singing, a flash of lightning and power, a wave of his powerful one wing as he swings that ridiculously long sword.” The blond raked a hand through his hair as Tifa giggled and the maitre'd stood by patiently, seemingly deaf to his many complaints.

 

Bright blue eyes shot to the wall clock accusingly, registering for the fiftieth time that Sephiroth was indeed twenty minutes late. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared futilely at the waiter.

 

“Cloud, darling, really. You didn't used to have such a temper problem,” she teased, laying a gentle hand on his arm.

 

He scowled at her, fidgeting with his tie as the smell of Wutaiian cuisine wafted to his nose. Despite his hatred of the vile food, his stomach grumbled appreciatively. He hadn't eaten since breakfast that morning, which consisted of a bagel-to-go since he was running late for his interview with Squaresoft.

 

Supposedly, they were releasing another movie involving combat and wanted him to be a special guest character. He would have to work with Sephiroth, and Squall as well, that arrogant bastard, but money was money.

 

Just then, the front door, a mixture of smudged thick glass and silver metal, swung open with a loud clang, admitting Zack and Sephiroth as well as a huge rush of icy air from the snowy weather outside. The spiky-haired man was laughing as he hung off Sephiroth's back, already sneaking one hand around the older male's belly. Sephiroth seemed somewhat embarrassed, though he shared an enticing look with his lover.

 

“Well,” Cloud harrumphed, putting his hands on his hips as he glared at the two latecomers. “You decided to show after all.” He sneered, narrowing eyes that shot daggers of annoyance at both men.

 

Crystalline blue eyes brightened up even more as Zack detached himself from Sephiroth and bounded across the room, pulling Cloud into a tight embrace and lifting the blond up off the floor. “Cloudie!” he exclaimed in glee, wriggling his captive about. “It's so good to see you.”

 

“Must. Have. Air,” Cloud squeaked out in response, hands flopping uselessly at his side as he cast a desperate look towards his girlfriend. She only giggled and moved across the room, determined to greet Sephiroth with more dignity and class than his lover had demonstrated.

 

“Good evening General,” she said, bowing slightly as they shook his hands. “We were worried that you weren't going to make it.”

 

A small blush graced Sephiroth's already pale cheeks as he ran a hand through his hair, a quiet curse escaping when he realized he had tied it back. “Yes, well. Blame it on Zack. He was the one who kept insisting on `five more minutes'.”

 

Tifa's brows rose to her hairline as she ignored the desperate squeaks of her boyfriend, of whom Zack was still cooing over and squeezing like a chew toy. “Five more minutes for what?”

 

When the bright scarlet flush across Sephiroth's nose deepened, she thought it better not to ask. She was about to change the subject, when the sound of running came to her ears followed by a very distinctive `TIFA!'. Her reflexes honed after years of experience were the only things that saved her from a bone-crushing fate. At the last possible moment, she stepped aside, leaving Zack to barrel past her and crash directly into Sephiroth, rubbing his cheek up against the General's chest.

 

Coughing and gasping for air, Cloud limped towards the threesome, looking a little bit worse for wear. Somewhere, his tie had completely disappeared and only half of his white shirt was untucked. Nevertheless, he appeared whole and that was really all that mattered in the end. Zack did have the tendency to be both high strung and excitable, much like a puppy.

 

It was only then that the two bitter rivals seemed to notice each other's presence. Glowing green eyes met mako blue irises and sparks immediately passed between the two men, causing Tifa's hair to stand straight on end and Zack to yelp in shock as a cold breeze, not caused by the door, wafted towards their little group.

 

“Cloud.” The silver-haired man tipped his head in greeting.

 

“Sephiroth.” Eyes narrowed as Cloud immediately returned the stiff salutation.

 

“Tifa!” chimed Zack.

 

“Sephiroth,” Tifa giggled.

 

Zack snorted. “Cloud!”

 

“Tifa,” warned the blond.

 

“Zack,” the General muttered, patting his lover on the head as the dark-haired man grinned up at him.

 

“Clou--” Tifa started to say. But before she could, the maitre'd, who had grown quite tired of the circus in his lobby, interrupted them.

 

“If you would excuse me,” he declared loudly, immediately grabbing their attention before they could continue their little name-calling game. “A table is now ready if you are still planning on eating,” he informed them, sharp eyes quick to catch as the tallest one pinched the dark-haired one on the butt at the same time that the blond and the female elbowed each other, grinning madly.

 

Seconds later, the blond and the silver-haired man were glaring at each other, shooting daggers with their eyes. It was as if none of them heard a word the maitre'd had said.

 

Until Zack's stomach growled quite loudly, a noise that almost sounded like words. He pressed a sheepish hand to his belly and rubbed his stomach, grinning up at his boyfriend. “Huuuungry,” he whined, giving Sephiroth his most pleading puppy-eyed stare. He even had the lower-lip pout down to an art.

 

“I suppose that means it is time to eat,” Sephiroth said, patting Zack on the head and ruffling his spikes.

 

Zack wriggled his hips and kissed his boyfriend happily, while the waiter looked on, clearly unamused. Tifa seemed delighted, with stars dancing in her eyes. And Cloud, well, he was annoyed, and possibly jealous. If one squinted.

 

“That's just wonderful!” The maitre'd exclaimed with great flair as he bowed. “Now, if you would follow me, please?”

 

With a haughty twitch and a jaunty bounce, the sour-faced waiter began to lead them through a maze of tables, managing to avoid each with practiced ease. “You did not specify,” he began slowly, in a slightly nasal tone as he shifted the menus in his hand. “Would you prefer a table or a booth?”

 

“Booth!” Sephiroth declared.

 

“Table!” Cloud interjected, mere milliseconds behind him.

 

Their eyes met and they glared, sparks and daggers flying. One of Cloud's missed, nicking the guy sitting behind the silver-haired man but neither of them noticed. The waiter blinked in confusion, wondering if he should obtain an anti-mob shield for protection.

 

“Well, which is it?” he asked, with a large amount of impatience.

 

“Table!” Sephiroth exclaimed, sounding smug.

 

“Booth,” the blonde argued, nearly in stereo with Sephiroth.

 

Again, they stared.

 

“Booth!”

 

“Table!”

 

“Boo--ow!”

 

Zack grinned, looking completely innocent as he and Tifa exchanged glances. They nodded before turning large and gleaming smiles on their waiter, nearly blinding him in the process. Against since shiny whiteness, he could do nothing more than wince and shield his eyes.

 

“Booth,” they agreed at the same time.

 

Meanwhile, Sephiroth pouted, rubbing at his head where Zack had yanked on his hair rather sharply. He could have sworn he saw a few strands of silver floating to the ground. Sephiroth had a slight vanity about his hair because there were very few other people that sported his very unique color. Unless he wanted to count that arrogant brat that worked with Disney and his annoying and stupid younger brother, Loz.

 

They made it to the booth without further incident and even managed to seat themselves without arguing, thanks to Tifa's maneuvering. Menus were handed out as the maitre'd excused himself, implying that their waiter would be there to serve them shortly.

 

Silence managed to prevail for the few moments it took for their server to arrive, a younger woman with shining purple eyes. She clacked her gum as she bounced up. “Hi! My name's Trixie!” she chirped excitedly, with pep in her step. “What can I start ya with to drink?”

 

Tifa blinked, her eyes narrowing at the beautiful young woman. “We weren't asking for any service,” she snapped.

 

A hand lay on the brunette's arm. “Tifa,” Cloud whispered urgently. “I don't think she--”

 

But Trixie merely tilted her head to the side and jiggled again, her ample bosom straining at her pathetic white shirt. “Would you like Coke?”

 

“I don't think Zack needs any more drugs,” Sephiroth inserted smoothly, patting his lover on the thigh. “We will have a bottle of wine between us.”

 

Trixie nodded, volumized blond hair bouncing with the movement of her head. She clacked her gum again before turning to Tifa and Cloud. “And what about you two? A bottle of wine as well?”

 

“None for you!” Tifa snarled, scooting closer to Cloud and getting a death grip on his knee, a warning for him not to even look at their waitress.

 

Mako eyes rolled as Zack snickered on the other side of the table. Cloud shot him a death glare but it went unnoticed as Sephiroth suddenly decided to occupy his boyfriend's mouth in a public display of affection. For some reason, Cloud was transfixed by this, watching Sephiroth's tongue disappear inside his boyfriend's mouth. Until Tifa pinched his thigh.

 

Cloud jumped and began nodding vigorously. “Yes! Wine!”

 

Purple eyes blinked as Trixie smiled and clacked her gum. “Will do'er, sir. Be back in a jiff! Don't miss me!” She clipped her pad shut, jammed it into a pocket, and flounced away with a few skips to her step.

 

Tifa smacked Cloud across the head for good measure. He growled out an `oww' as he rubbed the back of his head but didn't bother to retaliate. Much like her film role, Tifa was a black belt in karate and could kick his ass without even trying. Instead, Cloud sulked, ignoring Sephiroth's teasing snickers and staring resolutely at his menu.

 

He still hated Wutaiian food.

 

“I think we should get the special,” Sephiroth suggested. “That way we can pick and choose.”

 

Tifa smiled. “That's a very good idea. Enough noodles and rice and chicken for everyone, isn't that right, sweetie?” She grinned cutely, nudging her boyfriend beneath the table with a none-too-subtle press of her knee.

 

He nodded glumly. “Yeah. Swell.”

 

“Stop pouting, Cloud,” Sephiroth mocked, unable to resist the urge to bait his bitter rival. “It's unbecoming of a man of your skill.”

 

Blue eyes rolled. “Well, excuse me if I don't go destroy the world carrying the severed head of my mother.”

 

Sephiroth immediately bristled at the affront to his character. “Excuse me,” he hissed. “That was a role in a game. The part, need I remind you, that was originally meant for you, Mr. Chocobo Airhead.”

 

Cloud narrowed his eyes, opening his mouth to retort despite the looks both of their lovers were giving them, when Trixie decided to flounce back towards their table. How she managed to both bounce and carry their drinks without spilling a drop was as much of a mystery as how Tifa managed to fight in the clothes they forced her to wear in their first video game appearance.

 

She popped her gum as she slid their expensive wine glasses on the table in front of them and opened the bottle with a flourish. She quickly poured while Cloud made great effort to avert his eyes and pretend like he wasn't looking at the mole above her left breast jiggling up and down...

 

“So,” Trixie began in a companionable voice. “What can I get fer ya to eat?”

 

Zack, who had been staring round-eyed at the waitress since her first appearance, reached out a hand. “Wow,” he said with great awe, fingers straining for a touch. “Are they real?”

 

Sephiroth snatched his hand at the last moment. “Sit on them,” he warned his lover, watching with great satisfaction as Zack promptly stuck them under his thighs.

 

Trixie was unperturbed. “Real as me hair,” she said, with a swish of her blonde locks.

 

“Wonderful!” Tifa chirped, unable to resist giving the woman a deadly glare. “Now, we'll have the special. And make it quick please. We don't want them to destroy another restaurant.”

 

“Okie-day!” She flounced away.

 

Silence descended on the table. Cloud was still simmering at Sephiroth's last comment and was just waiting to make his retort. With her gone, he felt finally free to be as vulgar as necessary and opened his mouth to do just that.

 

“How about a toast?” Tifa suggested happily, picking up her glass with far more glee than it was natural for any person to have. (Cloud suspected drugs but for the moment, thought it wiser to keep his mouth shut.)

 

“To what?” Cloud groused grumpily, childishly kicking his feet under the table and managing to strike Sephiroth's shin just right. The silver-haired man grunted at the impact and shot him a glare. An evil gleam appeared in blue eyes. Cloud kicked again.

 

Sephiroth kicked back. Except he had bigger feet, so it hurt more.

 

“How about love?” Tifa suggested, oblivious to the footsie war beneath the table. She snuggled closer to Cloud. “Love forever. How about that honey?”

 

He shrugged. “Yeah, whatever.” And kicked again. Hard. Sephiroth clenched his teeth against the pain and retaliated instantly, but Cloud quickly shifted his legs and Sephiroth hit only chair.

 

Score one for Cloud. He snickered.

 

“A toast then,” Tifa announced, raising her glass.

 

She was ignored as the rivals continued their puerile game beneath the table. Zack still sat on his hands as Tifa frowned. She then cleared her throat loudly, bothering the patrons at the next table over, before proceeding to kick every leg she could reach beneath the table with no discrimination. Pained grunts filled the air as she attracted their attention, ignoring the shimmering of agonized tears in Zack's eyes since he had endured the brunt of her anger.

 

Tifa's manic grin brooked no argument and the four hurried to raise their glasses, lest her ire be invoked once more.

 

“Cheers!” she chirped sweetly.

 

“Cheers!” the three males intoned in bored voices as four glasses chimed together before everyone proceeded to gulp down their wine was quickly as possible.

 

Cloud was the first to finish, plopping his glass down to the table with a very audible belch. He swiped the back of his hand over his mouth as he waited for the others to finish, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. No one, it seemed, could swallow so quickly or deeply as he could. It was a talent that filled him with pride.

 

“Wow. You sure can drink fast,” Trixie breathed, suddenly materializing next to their table with food balanced perfectly in her hands.

 

Cloud blinked at her in surprise, wondering just how much of a rush order she had placed on their food for it to be out so quickly. “Um, thanks. I think,” he responded, watching as she began to dole out the food on the table.

 

Plates of noodles and rice, as well as sauce-covered meats and vegetables began to stack onto the tabletop. On cue, the others finished their drinks well behind Cloud, equally surprised to find the food already prepared. The tantalizing aroma of Wutaiian cuisine filtered through to their nostrils but only Tifa and Zack seemed particularly voracious.

 

The two bitter rivals seemed to be in agreement for once as their faces rapidly took on a greenish tinge... especially when the boiled squid was plopped down in the center. One beady eye stared back at them, daring them to eat it. The two men gulped in tandem as Trixie whistled bubbily.

 

“Dig in!” she chirped, swinging her now empty tray away from the table before skipping off towards the kitchens.

 

Cloud wondered just what drugs she was on.

 

“Itadakimasu!” Both Tifa and Zack chimed in that instant, picking up their chopsticks and tossing food onto their plates with great relish.

 

The sound of noisy chewing and moans of “good food ecstasy” began to fill the air as Sephiroth and Cloud glared heatedly at the Wutaiian cuisine. Their complexion was stained a faintly green color and to an observer, it looked as if one of them would pass out at any moment.

 

Mako blue eyes flickered to his bitter rival across the table. A blond brow twitched as he reached forward, placing the very tip of his finger on the plate with the boiled squid. “Well, Hojo, why don't you have some squid?” he suggested, pushing the platter towards Sephiroth none too subtly. He barely missed getting speared by a chopstick as Tifa tried to stab a piece of bronzed chicken.

 

The silver-haired man gagged inwardly as he paled, somehow managing to pull up a glower from his rather large store of them. “Why don't you?” he growled, pushing the plate back across the table with a screeching slide of ceramic on wood.

 

“I insist... or are you scared?” Cloud replied, tilting his head as he grinned impishly. His fingers scooted the platter towards his rival, the boiled squid jiggling none too appetizingly on the polished surface.

 

“I fear nothing,” Sephiroth gritted out through his teeth as his eyes narrowed. “However, the hero deserves the best, after all.” He nudged it back at Cloud, giving it bit more force than he had originally intended.

 

The platter scooted sideways, knocking over a candle in the process and sending it tipping over. Luckily, the flame extinguished quickly, directly as it landed into Cloud's wine with a nice splash. Neither Tifa nor Zack seemed to notice their squabble as they tore into the food like beasts at an All-You-Can-Eat Crab Buffet.

 

Cloud snarled, lip curling back to reveal his expensively and perfectly whitened teeth. “You bastard! That was my--”

 

Whoosh! In that moment, his wine chose to go up in flames, sending a spurt of fire straight up towards the ceiling and nearly taking off one of Cloud's blond spikes. Sephiroth threw himself backwards to avoid the rapid burst of heat and almost toppled over in his chair.

 

“Fire!” Zack exclaimed, eyes gleaming strangely as he snatched the plate of steamed vegetables off the table. His hands wrapped around it protectively. “Put it out!”

 

But neither of the other two males was listening to him.

 

Cloud pointed a finger with its well-chewed fingernail at his rival while on the other side of him, Tifa was beginning to freak out, trying to shove as much food into her mouth before it all went up in flames. “He did it!” the blond accused.

 

“You started it!” Sephiroth snarled in return, jumping to his feet and slamming his hands down on the table.

 

The blond hissed as he rose to his feet. “No, you did,” he shot back stubbornly as the bright orange flame leapt from his wine glass to the boiled squid. A disturbing burnt plastic smell began to permeate the area.

 

Sephiroth glared and reached across the table, shoving Cloud in the shoulder. “You stole my part!” he accused loudly, completely changing the subject.

 

“You're still whining about that?” Cloud asked, tilting his head to the side as he stumbled slightly.

 

“Fire!” Zack shrieked as he grabbed for the wine bottle with his one free hand and dumping it over the rising sea of flames.

 

Big mistake.

 

The fire surged and licked at the plum-colored liquid, spreading instantly to every single plate of food across the table in a raging inferno. Other patrons screamed in terror as a certifiable stampede of people began to exit the restaurant in great droves, leaving behind their food. Inspired by this, Zack squealed in glee and dove for the nearest dessert cart, Tifa right on his heels.

 

“Must save the chocolate!”

 

Sephiroth and Cloud were completely oblivious to the chaos, however, as they glared at each other from opposite sides of the table. Even when the servers approached, frantically fanning the flames with their cloths in an attempt to make them go out. Apparently, they were none too bright. The blaze roared even higher.

 

Cloud's voice rose above the din and clamor. “You couldn't act if your life depended on it!”

 

“What do you use for gel, chocobo brain?”

 

“Quit dying your hair, fairy!”

 

“This is natural!” Sephiroth insisted, glaring as he chucked a flaming plate of vegetables at the other man. Naturally, Cloud ducked and the food took out a waiter standing right behind him. “Grow some balls, puppet!”

 

Cloud snorted, retaliating with a saucer of noodles which sailed ineffectually over Sephiroth's head. “At least, I didn't walk around with the head of some dead alien because I desperately wanted a mommy.”

 

“That was for the part, Mr. I'll Just Go on a Date with Mr. T!”

 

Another plate of meat flew at Sephiroth's head for that remark. “I had no choice!” Cloud shouted above the sound of loudly roaring flame. “It was in the script.”

 

Sephiroth smirked. “Excuses, excuses.” He flicked his fingers at the blond. “Dance, puppet, dance!”

 

The blond's eyes narrowed to slits of mako fury before he suddenly roared even louder than the flames and tackled Sephiroth across the table, sending both men crashing to the ground with a loud thud. Sephiroth's ass landed directly in the projectiles he had dodged earlier as they began to grapple with earnest, the sounds of their arguing filling the air as citizens stood by in awe.

 

“Try not to cry, Cloud-o!”

 

“You're one to talk!”

 

“Ooh, good comeback.”

 

“Bite me bastard... ow! Fucker!”

 

An arm flew the air. A knee hit someone's groin. There was a male grunt. It was uncertain whom with all the limbs flying about and the flames rising even higher.

 

“Very original.”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“You first!”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“I hate you more.”

 

The two men glared at each other, Sephiroth with one of his hands tangled in Cloud's hair and Cloud with a firm grip on the Sephiroth's ear, nearly twisting it off. Their eyes narrowed in tandem as they yelled at each other at the same time.

 

“I wish you'd just--”

 

Their words were cut off as a sudden spray of freezing cold air drenched them from head to toe, soaking their bodies and the table. It put out the fire in a single pass, leaving behind a milky white foam that coated everything. It had enough force in it to separate them from each other, ending up with at least five feet of distance between them.

 

Coughing and sputtering, they looked up to see Trixie standing over them, a wide grin on her face as she held a fire extinguisher in her hand as if it were a weapon. “Wow!” she exclaimed, eyes wide as she planted one hand on her hip and slung the extinguisher over her shoulder. “You two should like just fuck and get it over with.”

 

They shot her twin horrified glances but she merely smiled even more broadly and tilted her head to the side. She stuck out her hand, two objects suddenly glittering to existence on it. “Cookie?”

 

Sephiroth snorted. “Yeah, because fortune cookies are so scrumdiddlyumptious.”

 

Cloud smirked. “I can't believe you just said scrumdiddlyumptious, you nerd.”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“You first!”

 

“Why don't you just-- oomph!”

 

A cookie was promptly shoved in their mouths, cutting off their responses as Trixie smiled sweetly. They chewed on instinct, shooting her irritated glares as she sparkled. Behind her, Zack and Tifa were happily gorging on the dessert plate and around them, everything was drenched in a fine sheen of white foam.

 

“There! Now ain't that better?” she asked.

 

The two men blinked before shrugging, swallowing the sweet cardboard cookie down with loud gulps. Inwardly, both men vowed that the other was going to pay for the damages this time. Especially since the manager was heading their way...

 

- - - - -

 

So? Funny? Want to see more? Looking forward to that threesome? Let me know!