Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Country Life ❯ Phone sex and floating boxes ( Chapter 4 )

Nyar, barrel the shark zombies…

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"So," Wakka happily spoke on, holding the blue phone in his left hand and playing with the tip of his red hair with his right. "If I had a million dollars I'd put it in a little box and write `Wakka won this… this is what a million dollars looks like' on the side and put it on this little wagon. I'd pull it along behind me and show it off, ya… Hey? Hello?"

Wakka sighed, flipping the light blue cellular phone closed and sitting it on the counter. He missed Tidus. Uncle Auron had been so giddy about their new idea, he ran right out and sold one of those weird looking fishes in their pond to buy a cell phone. The PETA association was amazed at the mutated species and Wakka's cellular phone had been ringing nonstop. The world was good. But, Tidus wasn't here to take the part of the attractive, young man that so many people called to hear, so Wakka had to fill in… but he had no experience in talking dirty. Maybe they shouldn't have put `Naughtiest' next to the hotline number….

The phone rang again, and Wakka put on his sexiest voice. He picked up the small phone, flipped it open, and held it to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hey, baby…"

"What can I do for you, you sexy beast?"

"Hm… well, I dunno. What can you do?"

"Anything. You name it. Well, you can start by telling me your name, that way I know what to scream when I---"

"Sephiroth."

"What? Smortasmith?" Wakka said, curiosity evident in his voice.

"No, Sephiroth. Cool name, huh?"

"Setermorph?" Wakka asked again, totally forgetting to use the `sex' voice.

"No, Se-phir-oth… Say it a syllable at a time."

"Se… phir… oth?"

"Yeah… good. Now talk dirty to me."

"Talk dirty… Well, my Uncle has these weird fishes in his pond out back."

"What?" the husky voice on the other end questioned, the tone dry.

"Yeah, those fish are monsters. I swear, they eat whole chickens. I told him to just pour bleach into the pond and they'd die, and then they'd be easier to take care of… but when we tried that, the fish crawled to a mud hole! It was weird, to be washing the dishes and then look out the window and see our fish crawling around… And--- Oh, hello? Hey? Setermorph???"

Wakka cursed loudly, pressing the tiny button to end his call and tossed the thing across the room.

Upon hearing a loud clanging outside, and the popping of a very poor motor, Wakka rose to his feet and looked out the front doorframe, which was missing the door because they had to sell that as well.

"Auron," Wakka said tiredly, he'd had enough sex talk today. "Where were you? Tidus isn't home yet. I'm worried."

Auron pulled himself out of the old Chevyâ"¢, his tattered cape flowing proudly in the wind once he stood upright. "Well, he'll show up hopefully. Hey, I made this box out of cardboard and duck tape. It's amazing. It actually floats."

Auron reached into the back of the truck, and pulled out a poorly crafted cardboard box. Wakka stared at the box, snorting. "It's lovely… now if we could please do something about Tid-"

"Hey, at least I tried. Ok, so I tried to make myself try. But I think it looks very good. Excellent even. I think I have something going here…"

"Auron!!! TIDUS IS GONE!"

Auron blinked his good eye, stopping his conversation with himself. "Yeah? Well, it's not the first time he's done this. I bet he's off screwing Seymour's wife."

"Braska is a man, Auron…"

"Well, fine. His husband."

"Auron!!! We need to find Tidus!"

"Fine. Go look for him. I'm going to try and sell my box on Ebay. I'll have to sell something else to buy a computer though. Hey, Wakka, do you need your pancreas?"

Wakka, enraged, stomped out the front door. "Yes," he said casually over his shoulder, as he walked across the large front lawn of Seymour's mansion.

"Then what don't you need?" Auron called back.

"I don't know!!! Try giving up a liver or something!"

"I only have ONE liver, right?!"

"No I think you have two!!! Sell one!"

Auron placed a hand under his chin and looked to the sky thoughtfully. Hm. "Alright!"

Wakka turned to watch Auron toss his box into the door-less RV and climb into his Chevyâ"¢, driving off down the front yard, hitting the Doberman dogs that were too stupid to chase the slowly walking human and instead went after the moving vehicle.

Wakka returned to his walking, seething. Oh that Auron. How could he not care for Tidus?! Anyone would… those sweet boyish features. Those blue eyes. Those candy lips. Wakka giggled like a schoolgirl, blushing wildly. He knew he'd find Tidus in Seymour's home, but he just didn't know where to look in it. Wakka could only hope he wouldn't find the blonde bishonen under anyone's sheets…

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TBC