Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy Seven: Shadows of the Light ❯ Shadows Omake! ( Chapter 16 )

SPOILERS AHEAD! FOR THE WHOLE FIC! Only read ahead if you have a sense of humor and don't mind being spoiled about what is going to happen later on ^-^ and I'm serious about the sense of humor bit.. you really need one to enjoy any of the below character summaries ^^;;

Dr. Phil on Shadows of the Light

On Silvara:

Dr. Phil: Now...you say you're married to this fine gentleman, then slept with this one, had a son with him that was only going to be born 400 odd centuries into the future, then said son would come back and be responsible for his own birth and all the while you were being possessed by a demon that was also your ancestor?

Silvara: mmm yup, pretty much

Dr. Phil: ..............*twitchKERBOOOOM*

Audience: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

Dr. Phil: *raining down in lil meaty splatters*

Silvara: ^___^ I can fix that! *Heals*

Dr. Phil: .....................you said yes?

Silvara: ^_^ *nod*

Dr. Phil: *booms again*

Silvara: <.< hell

On Rufus:

Rufus: I got screwed by lotsa people. Split into nearly three, we had our respective bitches. A few of us died along the way, then I got saddled in some alternate dimension with that dip-ass raven chick that was always dogging my heels when I -should- have been sniffing for a fivesome with Tseng, Reno and their two bitches ^___^

On Reeve:

Reeve: u.u what can I say? I got thrown over a barrel an' shagged dry for several chapters. There I am, just trying to have a family and take care of this little shite city when this *in a falsetto* "I am the crisis" deranged hellbitch bint comes waltzing about saying she's my mum.. It pushes me a bit to the Looney side of on crack and I so yeah, maybe I started some fires and sure I might have burned some kids. <.< an' yes, I did play Mrs.' O'Leary's cow to the Chicago of Junon... but it was all in a spot of fun! Then this other hellbitch bint comes up to me with this phallicaly large bleeding sword and off goes me head. u.u

On Tseng:

Tseng: u.u fell in love with a nympho workaholic who thought she needed to populate the earth with love-children to fill her office. My boss fucked me over. twice I think. Then a bunch of people fucked me over. hell...the whole world did >< but it doesn't really fucking matter because I'm already screwing the whole world vicariously each time I have sex with my goddamned wife

Silvara: <.<

On Riya:

Riya: What? o.o;; why is everyone looking at -me-?! I didn't do -any-thing! All I was trying to do was be a good friend, ran half way across the damn planet just to find and spend some quality buddy time with my Silvy. We -never- touched each other!! I swear to fucking Jenova our friendship wasn't like -that-!! Just because she's a ho doesn't mean I tapped dat ass! *bursts into hysterical sobbing* I was a virgin for holy's sake until that freak Rufus put on a floor show for Reno when he boinked me!! I've got a way big sword but it is -not- a Freudian manifestations of the hot steaming lesbian erotic encounters I had with Silvara! *wails* and I can't help that I constantly ran around losing my temper and beheading people...they were villains!! I'm a noble turned mercenary who runs an orphanage that doubles as a training grounds for her own personal army that would someday have allowed me to rule the world! Beheading bad guys is just what I doooo! It doesn't make me a psychopathic schizophrenic lesbian neo-nazi feminist.

All Shadows Characters: <.<;; -subtly take a few steps away from the crazed lesbian-

On Shadow & Anei:

Shadow: ..........................

Anei: ^^ I love everyone and everything! My brother loves me very much and I know some of the things he does are wrong, but I still believe that deep down he's a nice person. He just hasn't been loved so doesn't know how to love in ret...*spots Reno and starts speaking in gibberish* huminahuminahuminaPENIS!! *pounces and shags him rotten*

Shadow: ..........................u.u *horribly embarrassed*

Anei: *discovers she's into bestiality* wooohooo fuckmedoggiedaddy. 99 but I'm not a slut because I'm a tender lil sheltered virgin...it was just that Reno is -the one- and his tragic history has swept my maidenly sensibilities away...like a moth being pulled towards the flame.

Shadow: -looks for strychnine to ease her humiliation and spots Anubis- <.< rawr. But I don't care because I am the messenger of Sierra's will. >.> Anei: *mourning Reno who is still hung up over Riya* oh whatever shall I do? How can I win him...oh? Yes, Brother, ^^ what do you...why...yes, I slept with the prisoner o.O...is that a problem? o.o; AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE noooo don't torture meeee... RENO!! Oh noooo you killed my only brother! Too late love seen that I must love a loathed enemy. -waxes poetic and decides Reno can go fuck himself -and- Riya cause she has a ruffles clone/offshoot* neener neener neeeener
Shadow: <.< *splits off from her annoying self through plot device pulled from fan girl's ass and chases down Anubis* XD RAWR!! *pounces him in bitch form and shags him rotten* :3

On Reno:

Reno: *blurry eyed and with a slight slur* wha...so I had a lil drink *hic* what fucking business is it of yo..Oh. you wanna know about -that- shit. Kay. There I was, just doing a favor for the old crowd and going along on this job an' there's this helldike with a sword and her little ho friend stirring up trouble. So I think what everyone else was, right? Lesbians ^_______^ *sees Ferris glaring at him* <.< ahem. I mean. Gimme a bottle. Anyway, after I locked the broad up in this closet as a favor to this prick friend of mine who thinks he has a chance seducing her from muffdivin' all -hell- breaks loose! I thought it was the DT's for serious! There's this hot noble lesbian sword wielding chick falling for me, I mean she -dove- into my lap and I was all Don Juan about it XD like *in his hooch voice* 'hello...while you're down there...'' but then her prick ex tries to start shit with me for wanting to grease her wheels. That was pretty bad, but then my best friend starts running with this TOTAL ho!! And I'm all 'Tseng! She's a ho!!' and he's all <.< 'no..She's my destiny' blah blah. So I try to get drunk and keep hitting on the lesbian, but then that jackass Rufus gets her first and makes me Sierra's bitch for a while. u.u So I so don't like the cock anymore. O.O;; I mean lesbians!! Woohoo go lesbians! Must have boobs! ^^;;;; Like I was saying though.. Sierra throws me in jail and I totally scored on his sister XD but when I was drunk once there was something about a big ass lizard making me a dog and then making me -his- bitch but he was my dad too and I think someone put some angel dust in my whiskey or something cause I could swear I went all doggie style on the girl. Then I killed her brother ^^ dumped her. Got with the lesbian. I don't remember too much after cause the lesbian traumatized me with her sword...cause she's got this harness see...and it is a very phallic sword... <.<

On Vincent:

Vincent: -with a bottle in hand and an herbal ice pack over his eyes- man...I have no fucking idea what went on. One minute I'm asleep..then I'm pulling the 'I see dead people' line over Aeris. Only I should change that to 'I see dead stupid people' I suppose. She drags me off to go save Rufus. Can you imagine that shit? Being dead obviously didn't do much for her IQ...too much gray matter decomposing if you ask me. But, I'm a masochist at heart, so I go. And I can't remember why...but my ass gets stomped royally by another person who damn well -should- be dead. Then, next thing I know, I'm making the beast with two backs with Cid! CID!!! Of all the pretty people in the world, I pick a grizzled old washed up foul-mouthed geezer who tastes like a cigarette doused in cheep booze every time we kissed. But I can't complain..that's the most action I'd had in a few decades. Then Cid gets all freaky assed on me so I leave and by God, that little shit Rufus drags me right into the middle of this massive life-as-we-know-it-threatening shit storm that he's brewed...then there's a deranged ho casting spells on me. Next thing, I'm up wandering about the snowfields again without a damn clue as to the how or why...And Davoren has been babysitting me ever since! >< I swear to Chaos if the man offers to fluff my pillows or rub my feet again, I'll just scream! ...But he does brew a lovely pot of tea every afternoon and he's great at rubbing a shine onto the old coffin if you catch my drift, so I don't suppose it was time ill spent, all in all.

On Sephiroth:

Sephiroth: Nobody loves me u.u everybody hates me...guess I'll just go eat worms. I have crazy females whacking at me, tentacles things invading my orifices, then more people whacking at me....when did I lose the respect!? There was a time when I owned this planet and now everyone is like 'ooooh he's pretty and has shiny hair! must be a Pantene model...Git him!' Then they whack and poke at me and this has to be spike-head's fault. u.u I never had this sort of problem before he got all holier than thou.... I swear, try to be nice to the pussy whipped kid...let the boy win a fight so I don't crush his esteem, and this is the thanks I get. u.u -sigh- Then I get this girl and she's just fine with all the craziness going on around us. 'start a family' she says, 'our kids will be cuuuute' she says...so now here I am in danger of developing love handles, my hair has split ends and there's this little mini-me running screaming around these -people- who just showed up here expecting us to take charge of their wretched little dull-haired lives. e.e I am so put upon. *gets up on his little polished silver cross and hugs his sword* no one loves us, everyone hates us...