Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy: WTF? ❯ First episode fun! ( Chapter 1 )

FINAL FANTASY: WTF?

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Announcer: And now, live from a small, disused hovel in the south of England, it's Final Fantasy: WTF, with Ben Myatt! Brought to you by "happy day cookies", and their Parent Corporation, "Happy day chemical warfare!"

Ben: Yo.

(Moves over to a chair on the other side of the room.)

Ben: Wow, first show. FINALLY, MY INSANITY HAS TRIUMPHED! THEY SAID IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN, BUT HERE I AM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Announcer: Dude, get on with it.

Ben: *ahem* sorry. Before we bring out the first fool… I mean guest, we have our brand new feature for our brand new show, Aeris's word of the show!

(Spotlight focuses on Aeris, over at the stage. Drum roll…)

Aeris: … Squid.

Ben: Thankyou Aeris, I'm sure we will put that word to good use. (Opens mobile phone) Kill her. Kill her now.

Aeris: Hey, I'm right here!

Ben: (sweatdrops) eheheh. Just kidding… (Into phone) Next weeks fine… Right, Thanks Seph. (Closes phone).

(Aeris comes over.)

Aeris: they said I could co-host this week!

Ben: (Unenthusiastically) Oh. Great. Well, earn your gil and introduce the first guest.

Aeris: Yay! Okay, our first guest is the leading lady of… hey!

Ben: What now???

Aeris: This says she's the leading lady of final fantasy 7!

Ben: And?

Aeris: I was the leading lady of FF7!

Ben: Only for the first disk. She was there for the whole thing.

Aeris: Oh. Right. The dying thing…

Ben: yeah. GET ON WITH IT!!!

Aeris: Okay, okay. Our first guest is ONE OF the leading ladies of Final Fantasy 7, will you please give it up for TIFA LOCKHEART!!!

Audience: YAY!!!!!!!!

(Tifa comes down from the stairs, wearing a long dress. She sits down across the desk from Ben and Aeris.)

Tifa: Hi everybody!

Ben: I'm sorry, what did you say? I was too busy looking at the audience.

Tifa: Why?

Aeris: Well, you can spot the perverts in the audience by who cheers the loudest.

Ben: we've got a sweepstake on in the office, whoever gets closest to the amount of Pervs wins!

Tifa: You know, some of them might be genuine fans!

Ben: Do you seriously believe that?

Tifa: …No. They probably are all perverts.

Aeris: good. Right, first question.

Tifa: Okay!

Aeris: Tifa, how does it feel to have been voted one of the most popular girls in Hentai?

Tifa: 0_0

Ben: Don't look like that, you know it's true!

Tifa: I am not one of the most popular girls in Hentai!

Aeris: Are too!

Tifa: Are not!

Aeris: Are too!

Tifa: Are not!

Aeris: Are too!

Tifa: Are not!

Aeris: Are too!

Tifa: Are too! (Thinks) …DAMMIT!

Ben: well, now that's resolved, Tifa, the question everyone wants the answer to: real or fake?

Tifa: HEY! Getting a little personal here!

Ben: It's what everyone wants to know!!

Aeris: Ben, it's the first episode! You wrote the questions yourself!

Ben: (whistles Nonchalantly) Just answer! You'll get a "happy day (tm)" cookie!

Tifa: Ooh, cookies! Okay, their real, now gimme cookies!

Ben: (holding cookie packet out of reach) That's not what Aeris says!

Tifa: HEY! HOW THE HELL WOULD SHE KNOW?!?

Aeris: (smirking) Cloud told me…

Tifa: He…is…so…dead…

Ben: (to Camera) Cloud, mate, I suggest you run like hell, before she gets home…

Tifa: (To Camera) Better not, cos you know I'll find you anyway. And by then I'll be even more angry…

Ben: Okay, a promise is a promise… (Gives Tifa the cookies)

Tifa: Yay!

Ben: Okay, last question from me before we turn over to the perverts … I mean the audience.

Tifa: Oh great…

Ben; Okay, Tifa, Scenario question for you: you come home from work one night, and at first, there appears to be no-one home, but then you go into the living room, and there are sword slashes in the wall! And bullet holes! And a Trail of blood leading up to Cloud's room! You run upstairs, and try to get in, but the doors jammed shut! So you try the door to the ensuite bathroom, but there's too much blood on the handle, you can hear Cloud Screaming inside…

Tifa: Ben?

Ben: Yeah?

Tifa: you've got problems. What's the question?

Ben: oh… what's your favourite song?

Tifa: it'd hafta be… "Clint Eastwood", by Gorillaz.

Ben: right, thanks. And now, over to the more-perverted-than-at-rehearsal…

Tifa: Rehearsal?

Ben: Audience!

Tifa: you didn't tell me there was a rehearsal!

Ben: Aeris was supposed to!

Aeris: (Whistles Nonchalantly)

Ben: ¬_¬ Aeris, did you forget to tell Tifa about the rehearsal?

Aeris: Yeah… Forget… heheheh. OVER TO THE AUDIENCE!!!

(Guy stands up at the back. the drool on his shirt now means that he is called…)

Pervert 1: hey Tifa!

Tifa: Oh god, not one of you lot…

Perv1: Glad you recognise me… anyway what I want to know is…

Tifa: If it's about my breasts, don't even go there.

(Perv1 sits down. Another guy stands up.)

Guy 2: okay, Tifa, first I want to tell you how hot the fact that you kick everyones ass is…

Tifa: Thankyou.

Guy 2: and secondly: If your natural, how did they get so big???

Tifa: Well I… Hey, that's a breast question!

Ben: Tifa, your legally bound to answer, I'm afraid…

Aeris: No she isnOWWWWWW!!!

Ben: ( Hastily withdraws kicking foot)

Tifa: >_< okay, okay! They just grow that way, all right! Are you happy now? Are you happy with your pound of flesh???

Aeris: And three pounds of silicon… OWWWWWWWW!!!

Ben: Some people never learn…

Perv2: Thanks.

(He sits, and another guy stands up.)

Perv3: Hi Tifa.

Tifa: IS THERE NO END TO YOU PEOPLE???

Perv3: Probably not. Anyway, what I wanted to know is, have you ever, erm, you know, wanted to make out with Aeris?

Tifa: (grins slyly) Why yes. Yes I have.

Perv3+Ben+Aeris: YOU HAVE???

Tifa: and I don't just think of making out with her, I think of us getting caught in a storm together, and having to shelter in an abandoned church, where we slowly undress each other and…

Ben: *ahem* all right, we're trying to keep to a PG-13 rating here.

(Perv3 sits down, and all the perverts in the audience cross their legs simultaneously.)

Aeris: You know, there is a cruel streak to you I had never thought existed…

Tifa: (bows) ^_^

Ben: All right, time for one last question, before the end of the show…

(Regular guy stands up.)

Guy: Hey Tifa, I just wanted to know, would you go out with Ben?

Ben: ^_^

Tifa: What? Why do you ask that.

Aeris: (Turns to Ben) Did you put him up to that?

Ben: …No?

(Tifa and Aeris stare.)

Ben: Alright, yes! Well Tifa?

Tifa: Sorry, spoken for.

Aeris: (mutters) Not if I have my way…

Ben: aww crap. You sure? I have tickets to a Travis Concert?

Tifa: Tempted… but no.

Ben: (sulking) well, I SUPPOSE I should be impressed by your Loyalty…

Tifa: ^_^ Thankyou…

Ben: But instead, I'll arrange for an attempt on Cloud's life. Okay, on the next show, we're gonna have everyone's favourite Mr T impersonator, Barret Wallace! So get your questions in. (Leans close to camera) Or I'll come for you. You know I will… but for now, It's bye from me and Aeris…

Aeris: Bye!

Ben: Bye from Tifa…

Tifa: Bye!

Ben: And bye from the Perverts in the audience! Goodbye!

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