Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy: WTF? ❯ All gun armed guys line up to the right! ( Chapter 2 )

FINAL FANTASY: WTF? #2.

Announcer: For the second week running, live from a disused hovel, it's Final Fantasy: WTF! Sponsored by happy day cookies - using radioactive waste for a happier future!

(Ben and Aeris at the top of the stairs, walk down to the stage.)

Ben: Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou…

Aeris: Hey Ben…

Ben: thankyou, thankyou, thankyou…

Aeris: BEN!!!

Ben: AHHHHHH! What?

Aeris: We've got a show to do, in case you haven't forgotten…

Ben: O.o;; …Show? I thought this was my Birthday party!?!

Aeris: no, and besides, it isn't your birthday yet.

Ben: …Bugger. Anyways…

(They go over, and sit behind the desk.)

Ben: In final fantasy news this week, a failed attempt on the life of a certain FF7 lead character left Cloud Strife in hospital, with several broken limbs, but sadly, still alive.

(Camera change to Cloud in hospital)

Cloud: …The…Pain…

Aeris: Kefka from FF6 decided that he was gonna turn over a new leaf…

(Camera change to Kefka)

Kefka: This evil gig sucks. I'm gonna do good from now on…

(Sees matches on shelf.)

Kefka: …Urge to burn world down rising…

Ben: and In the FF9 world, the company that manufactures the cards for that irritating sub-game was taken over in a hostile bid from "Moogle post incorporated"…

(Camera change to a boardroom)

Stilzkin: any objections to our bid of five hundred gil?

Card-manufacturer: Is that IT? You can't expect us too…

(Gunfire, CM falls forward, and Mog lowers his AK47.)

Mog: He SAID, any objections…?

(Camera goes back to Aeris and Ben.)

Ben: Ah, those evil gangster moogles. Anyways, on with the show, and it's time for Aeris's word! Aeris?

(Camera focuses in on Aeris. Drum roll…)

Aeris: …Gooseberry.

(Camera pans out. Ben is on his phone.)

Ben: C'mon Seph! You've done it once already, and I don't know how much more I can take!

Aeris: HEY!

Ben: eheh. Let's bring on our guest for this episode…

Aeris: We pity da foo who mess with this guy…

Ben: Mainly cos he has a big fugg off gun on his arm. Straight from Corel, it's Barret Wallace!

(Applause, and Barret comes down the stairs.)

Barret: (speaking in a clipped English accent) Good evening.

(Audience stares. Silence. Tumbleweed rolls across the scene.)

Barret: (Sighs) …Don't mess wit me, ya foo!

Audience: YAY!!!

Barret: (Raises eyes to ceiling, walks over and sits down) Hey Aeris.

Aeris: Hey.

Ben: …AHEM.

Barret: Happy birthday, Ben.

Ben: Thankyou. Anyways, due to the fact that Fanfiction.net has gone for a Burton again, we've got a mixture of questions from both the audience and myself. So, firstly Barret, what other attachments do you have for your gun arm?

Aeris: Ben, is this a dirty question, cos we had enough of those with Tifa.

Ben: ¬_¬

Barret: well, I have a drill, a chainsaw, a rocket launcher… and a spoon.

Ben: …A spoon.

Barret: Well, you try and eat with a %*&$ing gun on your hand!

Ben: Bet I could!

Barret: Bet ya couldn't!

Ben: Bet I could!

Barret: Bet ya couldn…

Aeris: ENOUGH!

Ben + Barret: O.o

Aeris: *ahem* anyway, Barret. Have you ever owned a teddy bear?

Barret: …No.

Audience: Awwwwwww!

Ben: You never owned a teddy bear?

Barret: (bursting into tears) NO! I NEVER HAD A TEDDY!!!

Aeris: Are you happy now? You made him cry,

Ben: (Dancing round Barret) No-teddy-no-teddy-no-teddy-no-teddy!

Barret: (Sobbing).

Aeris: 0_0;;

… Ben, do you have to be so cruel?

Ben: (Sitting back down) No… But it sure is fun! (To Barret) Here, have a Happy day (tm) cookie!

Barret: (taking the cookie) *sniff* …Thankyou… oh, I like the pattern… that little teddy… WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben: Heheheheheheh.

Aeris: *sigh* (Slaps Ben.)

Ben: OW! HEY!

Aeris: Just getting you back on course.

Ben: Thankyou. Okay, Barret, have you ever had the urge to wear lot's of gold chains, hang around with loads of really strange mercenaries, drive a Volkswagen van, and enter pro-wrestling competitions?

Barret: … I know this is a reference to something, but I just cant place it.

Ben: Dumbass…

Barret: SHUT IT, FOO! I PITY DA FOO WHO INTERRUPT MA THOUGHTS!

Ben: And he can't place the reference.

Aeris: You can practically see the gears in his head working…

Ben: And grinding to a halt…

Aeris: and a little sign popping up…

Ben: Saying…

Ben + Aeris: D'OH!

(They laugh loudly. Barret glares at them.)

Barret: Okay, that's it…

(He aims his gun arm at them, and starts firing.)

Ben: Yeah, and he really thinks we'd let him bring a weapon loaded with proper ammo on the show.

Barret: (Checks the gun) Blanks? How the *&%$ did these get in here!

Ben: Beats me…

Barret: You Bastich.

Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, now, "Mr B".

(Ben and Aeris both crack up laughing.)

Barret: That's it, I'm outta here…

(Stands, but a Moogle appears.)

Moguo: You aint goin' nowhere, Kupo! Sit your punk ass down before I put some hot lead in it! KUPOPOPO!

(Barret sits down. After all, this Moogle is carrying a loaded M16.)

Ben: Thanks Moguo. Your checks in the mail.

Moguo: No problem, boss.

(Exits)

Barret: Dammit, Will I never escape?!?

Ben: Erm… doesn't look like it, no. anyways, as I was saying, we are now going to turn you over to the mercies of our audience, and to be quite frank they don't look like they have much mercy between them.

Barret: O.o

Aeris: Okay, first question.

(Tariyen Fell stands up.)

TF: Hi Barret!

Barret: Yo.

TF: anyway, what I wanted to ask was: How many pickled peppers DID Peter Piper pick?

(TF sits)

Barret: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

Ben: Just answer it Mr Pro-wrestler-chain-wearing-no-teddy.

Barret: ¬_¬;;

Aeris: Well, Barret, how may pickly peps did peppered Peter poke… GOD I HATE TONGUE TWISTERS!!!

Ben: Okay. Barret answer. Now.

Barret: erm… five?

Ben: (silence) … Good enough. Next?

(MOG stands up)

Mog: Hi Barret. what I wanted to know is: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Ben: Oh, we're going to the depths of human brainpower here. Hence why Barret is struggling.

Aeris: You're a sadist, you know that?

Ben: Hell, YES!

Barret: well, the key word there was IF, so IF a woodchuck could chuck wood, I'd say he'd chuck as much as he could get his hands on, hence it would be near impossible to calculate, giving the average lifespan of a woodchuck, times by a certain amount of wood a day, so… (Types in calculations on a laptop computer.) - 475Ibs. Wait, that can't be right. GODDAMN WINDOWS '98!

Ben: and what the hell is a woodchuck anyway? Wait, never mind. next?

(MOG remains standing.)

Aeris: You have another question?

Ben: How dare you! We're busy people you know! There are more people to get through!

Aeris: … Dude, the other questions come from your sister and a guy you know from school.

Ben: … SEE?

MOG: Whatever. Okay, Barret: Would you ever eat Cloud…

Barret: Well…

MOG: …ALIVE???

Barret: o_o;;

Ben: Well, that was… weird…

Barret: NO! I would not eat Cloud alive! Maybe cooked, but NEVER alive!

Aeris: Oh, this is gonna keep the Yaoi Fans going for months… Okay, Next question!

(Kat097 stands up.)

Ben: YOU?!?

Kat097 (or "Katie" as she is more commonly known): ME!

Ben: WHAT… THE… HELL… ARE… YOU… DOING…

Aeris: he's taking all day over this…

Ben: …HERE?!?

Katie: * Sticks arms out in front of her and waves the, back and forth maniacally *

Aeris… HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!

Aeris: Oh shit, is this your sister Ben?

Ben: * starts banging head against desk. *

Katie: ooh, desk!

Aeris: so… Katie…

Katie: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Aeris: yeah… have you got a question for Barret?

Katie: errr… Yes. Barret, why the HELL did you leave Marlene in charge of Tifa's bar? She's what, four years old???

Barret: erm… she's… an eighteen year old in disguise…?

Ben: Dude, that was pathetic.

Barret: …I'm sorry.

Katie: I should report you to the authorities!

Barret: erm… will you?

Katie: … No. the men in white coats might take me away again.

Ben: they will if I have my way… Katie, go and play with something nuclear, outside the studio.

Katie: Okay! But can Aeris come with me???

Aeris: * Gives Ben a desperate look. *

Ben: heheheheh… Sure, why not?

Katie: ^_^ YAY!!!!

Aeris: AHHH!! Moguo, get her out of here!!!

Moguo: * stuns Katie with cattle prod, and drags her out. *

Ben: Now that's sorted…

Katie: (from outside) YAY! MOOGLE!!!

Moguo: JESUS, SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!

Ben: … Let's get on with it. Next question. MOG, you can sit down now.

MOG: Thankyou. * Sits *.

Bodrj: * stands * Hey Ben.

Ben: Hey dude. How's life?

Bodrj: Fine. But I have a question for Barret.

Ben: Get on with it then.

Bodrj: Okay, Barret, did you ever feel that your part in AVALANCHE was good cultural diversity? Cos everyone else was white…

Barret: What are you talking about? What about… Vincent?

Ben: He was White.

Barret: … Cait sith?

Aeris: Big white stuffed Moogle.

Barret: * small voice * … Cloud?

Ben: Again White.

Barret: … Aww, horseshit!

Bodrj: so, your answer is?

Barret: … Alright, I was in for cultural diversity. But there's nothing wrong with that!

Bodrj: I never said there wa…

Barret: WHY ARE YOU ALL PICKING ON ME???

Aeris: Barret, we're not picking on y…

Barret: STOP BULLYING ME!!!

Ben: Dude, SHUT UP!!!

Barret: …Yes'm.

Ben: thanks, and thanks to Tariyen Fell, MOG, Bodrj and * shudders * Kat097…

Katie: (from outside studio) COME BACK, LITTLE MOOGLE!!!

Moguo: KEEP HER THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!

Ben: right then. Next episode, we'll be talking to a ninja, who carries a knife, has a pet dog, and is really shadowy. He goes by the name of… shadow.

Aeris: and DAMN is he hot!

Ben: …Whatever. Anyway, it's goodbye from Aeris…

Aeris: Bye!

Ben: Goodbye from Barret…

Barret: * sobs *

Ben: Goodbye from Moguo…

Moguo: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

Ben: Goodbye from the audience, and goodbye from me. BYE!

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