Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy: WTF? ❯ It's the coolest gay - I mean guy - around! ( Chapter 3 )

Final Fantasy: WTF? #3

Announcer: It's Final Fantasy: WTF! Brought to you by happy day cookies, the best tasting laxative around! And here are your hosts, Ben Myatt and Aeris Gainsborough!

(Aeris appears at the top of the stairs.)

Announcer: …And Ben Myatt!

Aeris: Where the hell is he?

(The YF-19 from Macross Plus crashes through the ceiling. Ben hops down from the back seat.)

Ben: okay, next time, I'm driving.

Isamu: not a hope.

(YF-19 takes off.)

Aeris: …I'm not even gonna ask.

Ben: It's probably best that you don't.

(They walk over to the desk, and sit down behind it.)

Ben: and in the many worlds of Final Fantasy this week:

Aeris: everyone's favourite pilot, Cid Highwind, was arrested following the discovery of large amounts of an unidentified substance on his overalls.

(Camera cuts to an interrogation room.)

Cop: Who's your supplier? It's Selphie, isn't it???

Cid: It's &*%@ing Paprika, Goddammit!

Cop: mmm, paprika is the happy spice…

Ben: at the annual thief characters reunion, the most unpopular thief was voted, and it was the same person as for the last six years…

(Camera cuts to a hall.)

Locke: y'know, you really shouldn't come to these anymore.

(Camera shows Yuffie hanging from the ceiling, by a chain.)

Yuffie: I hate you all, you know that?

Aeris: And Barret, after recovering from his appearance on the show, finally found the teddy bear he always wanted…

(Camera cuts to Barret.)

Barret: aww, I ain't NEVER gonna let this teddy go!

Cait Sith: GET THE HELL OFF ME!!!

Ben: …sometimes, that guy disturbs me. But anyways, it's time for Aeris's word of the show!

Aeris: …turnip.

Ben: …I'm not even gonna bother. And now, to introduce our guest for this week. From the world of Final Fantasy VI…

Aeris: the hottest guy EVER…

Ben: …It's Shadow!

(Shadow comes out of the door at the top of the stairs. The crowd goes wild, and a group of girls holding "We Love Shadow" placards start screaming.)

Shadow: …Damn groupies.

(Walks over and sits down.)

`Sup?

Ben: nothing much. Hosting the show. Drinking a Fosters.

Aeris: don't you mean a Bud?

Ben: If I wanted to drink water, I'd go to a tap.

Aeris: By the way, where's Moguo this week?

Ben: …he's hiding under the desk.

Aeris: WHAT? I thought that was YOU rubbing my leg!

Ben: …

Aeris: Moguo, get the hell out of there!

Moguo: Only if I can carry the stun gun!

Ben: Fine! Go look after Interceptor, backstage!

Shadow: excuse me, but are we gonna do this thing or what?

Ben: sorry. Aeris, stop drooling.

Aeris: *closes mouth*

Ben: okay, well due to the extremely small amount of questions we receive for you, I'm gonna be asking some of my own again.

Shadow: …shit.

Ben: yeah. Anyways, how much do you love interceptor?

Shadow: he's my dog, and my best friend.

(Moguo comes in, dragging a stunned interceptor.)

Moguo: anyone wanna dog-skin rug?

Shadow: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! INTERCEPTOR!!!!

Moguo: teach him to do THAT to my leg.

Ben: you used the tranquillisers, right?

Moguo: …I think so…

Shadow: you will all pay for this! I will destroy you all!

Aeris: ooh, you're hot when you're angry…

Shadow: I will… I am?

Aeris: oh yeah…

Ben: Oh please. Anyways, next question, Aeris?

Aeris: …oh yeah. How comes in the FMV shots from FF6, your skin looks like it's blue?

Shadow: -_-;; it was cold. The armour is very cold.

Aeris: well… do you wanna get out of it?

Shadow: O.o

Ben: ENOUGH ALREADY!

Aeris: *glares*

Ben: Okay. Shadow, how comes square didn't give you more time in the game, considering you were by far the coolest character, had the best weaponry, and the best attitude.

Aeris: Yeah! It's on the same level as Vincent Valentine not appearing in the FMV sequences in FF7! Cos he's hot too!

Ben+Shadow: 0_0;;

Aeris: Ignore that last part.

Shadow: …yeah… anyways, you're right! How comes they didn't give me more time in! I ROCKED!

Ben: It might be because of the dog.

Shadow: waddya mean?

Ben: well, he kinda cramped your style. Especially when he started hanging out with Relm.

Everyone: *shudder*

Shadow: don't diss my dog, man.

Ben: …yeah. And now, the final question, before we turn you over the to mercies of our audience. Shadow…

Aeris: hey, I'm supposed to read it!

Ben: you don't wanna read this one.

Aeris: you sure?

Ben: OH yeah. Anyways, Shadow, Are you gay?

Shadow: WHAT?

Ben: well, every other male character spent the better part of the game flirting with the other female characters, with the exception of Cyan, whose past it, and Sabin, who, let's face it, was a topless bodybuilder. Terra practically made a pass at you on the boat scene, and you shrugged her off!

Shadow: well, I do find Sabin quite (catches himself) no, NOT GAY. NOT GAY! I Just killed my emotions, THAT'S ALL!

Ben: I remain unconvinced, but we'll leave it there.

Aeris: you're SO gonna get flamed for that one…

Ben: I know. Anyways, OVER TO THE AUDIENCE!

(KupoKrazy stands up.)

KupoKrazy: Hi Shadow! What's it like being the HOTTEST character in FF6?

Shadow: Ah, when people like you and Aeris say things like that, it makes it the best thing in the world…

Ben: and what if Sabin said something like that?

Shadow: that would be even be… NOT GAY!!!

Aeris: STOP IT BEN! HE'S MINE, I TELL YOU!

KupoKrazy: Oh yeah?

Aeris: *Brandishing Ultima Materia.* YEAH!

Ben: Aeris. Sit down. You too, KupoKrazy.

Aeris: grr… next question. NOW.

(A Familiar Figure stands up…)

Katie: HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben+Moguo+Aeris: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Moguo runs out of the studio, screaming.)

Katie: Pretty Moogle…

Ben: *whispers* Aeris, get the spare tranquilliser gun.

Aeris: You got it…

Ben: SO, Katie, you got a question for Shadow?

Katie: YAY! Shadow, why do you wear a mask all the time? Is it because you're a hideously mutated freak?

Shadow: O.o …I'm not mutated. I just wear the mask to hide my identity.

Ben: why?

Shadow: so no-one can hurt those I care about.

Ben: Like Sabin?

Shadow: …I'm not gonna fall for that one again dude.

Ben: ah, worth a try.

Shadow: cos remember kids, with great power…

Ben: …Comes great opportunity to ABUSE THAT POWER!!!

Shadow: DAMN STRAIGHT!

(They High-Five.)

Aeris: *whispering* Ben, I'm ready!

Ben: *whispering* go for it!

Aeris: Okay! Hey, Katie!

Katie: HELLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Aeris: *shoots Katie repeatedly with tranquilliser gun.*

Katie: oooh… sleepy now…

(Falls over unconscious)

Ben: phew. Okay, I think we've got time for two more questions.

Aeris: which is amazingly convenient, cos those are the only ones we've got left!

Shadow: …three… goddamn… questions?

Ben: Sorry.

Shadow: …that's kinda depressing.

Aeris: well, at least you're already wearing black!

(they stare at her.)

…Sorry.

Ben: so you should be. Next two questions?

(Tariyen Fell stands up.)

Tariyen Fell: Shadow, would you ever consider replacing interceptor with a French Poodle?

Shadow: I would never do that to Interceptor! He's the only family I have!

Audience: AWWW!

Shadow: Plus, he attracts chicks!

Ben: Good man yourself. Does he attract Sabin?

Shadow: well, some… DAMMIT, I'M NOT GAY!!!

Ben: Heheheheheh.

Aeris: *sighs, and whacks Ben. *

Ben: OWW! Stop doing that!

Aeris: You've forgotten something this week, Ben.

Ben: Oh Yeah! Here shadow, have a Happy Day (tm) cookie!

Shadow: mmm… cookies…

Ben: Okay, last question.

Tariyen Fell: Shadow, what do you think about this whole "Fanfiction" business?

Shadow: Actually, I think it's pretty cool…

Ben: Especially Yaoi…

Shadow: Yeah, especially… DAMMIT, WILL YOU QUIT IT? I'M NOT GAY, I TELL YOU!!!

Ben: yeah, yeah, yeah… anyways, that wraps it up for this show, so it's goodbye from me…

(turns to Aeris but she's no longer in her seat. She and Shadow are sneaking out of the studio…)

Aeris: I know this GREAT little place… it's called my house…

Shadow: heheheheh…

Ben: … and goodbye from them. Next time, round, it's *shudders* FF9's Eiko! May god have mercy on our souls. BYE!!!

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