Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy: WTF? ❯ Brat alert! ( Chapter 4 )

Final fantasy: WTF #4

Announcer: its time for another episode of Final Fantasy: WTF! Brought to you by happy day cookies: fish by-products have NEVER tasted so good!

…And here are your hosts, Ben Myatt and Aeris Gainsborough!!!

(Ben and Aeris appear at the top of the stairs, and walk down into the front section, facing the audience.)

Ben: okay, I know we normally launch straight into the news right about now, but first we have an announcement.

Aeris: as you all know, our guest today is Eiko Carol from FF9, and the response in questions this time round was much better than it was for Shadow.

Ben: now, I know it appears that there is no limits to the depth to which we will sink on this show, but there are some questions that even WE wont ask a 6-year old. And so, "Harvister of souls" (his spelling not ours), we will read out your question now.

Aeris: to illustrate how much of an idiot we think you are.

Ben: correct. This is a copy-and-paste of this person's question:

"hay, Eiko, are you a lez.....I mean you carry a femail mog in your' pants..have you been lonly all by your self.. is that what turned you into a lez??? are you in the bed with dagger?????"

All the spellings have been left uncorrected. Now you see why we ARE NOT going TO ASK EIKO THIS QUESTION.

Aeris: and to be quite frank, "Harvister of souls"…

Aeris+Ben+Moguo: WE MOCK YOU! MOCK MOCK MOCK!!!!

Ben: and with THAT out of the way, we will now proceed with the show.

(They walk over to the desk.)

Ben: in the many various worlds of final fantasy this week: Irvine from FF8 was suspended from garden, after Selphie caught him making inappropriate suggestions to Quistis.

(Flash to garden.)

Irvine: hey, what was I supposed to do? Quistis was Blonde… and had a whip… yeah.

Aeris: FF5's Butz was found face down in the river. Suspicion has fallen on his chocobo, although the alcohol on Butz's breath wasn't a dead giveaway…

(flash to river.)

Butz: I'm telling' ya, da chocobobo pusheed me…

Choco: wark?

Butz: See, he admitsh it!!!

Ben: …yeah. And finally, Shadow was rendered sick after going round to Aeris's for dinner.

(flash to hospital.)

Shadow: oooooooh… never again…

Aeris: hey, there's nothing wrong with my cooking!

Ben: and how IS shadow?

Aeris: he's still sleeping off the stomach pump. But now, it's time to introduce our guest this week, its FF9's resident obnoxious brat, Eiko Carol!

(Eiko appears at top of stairs, to applause, and come to sit in the chair. It's got a booster seat on it.)

Eiko: HEY! I'm not an obnoxious brat!

Ben: well, I'm sorry, but you're the only one who falls into that category from FF9. don't worry, every Final Fantasy game has an "Obnoxious Brat" character.

Aeris: other examples include Relm, Yuffie, and Selphie!

Ben: I don't think Selphie's a brat. I just think she's stoned.

Aeris: …either is good. Anyway, first question!

Ben: Yeah! Eiko, what was with all the moogles? Didn't you even think to make friends with the guys at Conde Petie?

Eiko: why would I want to make friends with them? They're stinky.

Aeris: don't work with children, they said. I should have listened…

Moguo: Hey boss?

Ben: Yeah?

Moguo: erm…SHE isn't here this time, is she?

Ben: no, Katie is not here. Now go do something useful.

Aeris: okay, second question. Eiko, how does it make you feel that all of your closest friends are actually members of a secret Mafia style organisation?

Eiko: …Garnet?

Ben: no… the moogles.

Eiko: …their members of a what now?

Aeris: never mind.

Ben: yeah. Okay. Eiko, how comes you didn't get your own piece of theme music, at least that I heard? Even the Moogles got theme music.

Eiko: *sniffles* I tried to get them to write me some, but they said that I couldn't ask for anything since I'm too young to have a proper contract! They paid me in chocolate milk!

Ben: It could be worse. They could have paid you in Aeris's cooking.

Aeris: HEY!

Eiko: ooh, that would be worse.

Aeris: oh, don't you start too…

Ben: heheheheh.

Aeris: Okay, Eiko, What's with the colour scheme? You've got less taste than Ben when it comes to clothing.

Ben: you're just peeved cos your dinner floored shadow before he got to *ahem* desert.

Aeris: …

Eiko: I wouldn't touch the subtext in this conversation with a ten-foot pole.

Aeris: Please just answer the question.

Eiko: well, it was hard to get materials around where I live, okay? I had other things to do than make clothes you know!

Ben: What, like hit on Zidane? Despite being six years old AND FAR TO YOUNG TO KNOW ABOUT "THAT".

Aeris+Eiko: *stare*

Ben: *ahem* sorry.

Aeris: so you should be. Anyway, Eiko, who are your favourite musicians?

Eiko: oh, I don't know, N*sync, Westlife, S-club…

Ben: Please god, don't let her say…

Eiko: …Britney…

Ben: NO! NO! IT CANNOT BE! HER EVIL HAS INFESTED THE FINAL FANTASY WORLD AS WELL!!! MOGUO!!!!

Moguo: Yes boss?

Ben: Why haven't you killed Britney Spears yet?

Moguo: …erm, cos you haven't told me too?

Ben: WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT! HERE, TAKE THIS!!!

(Hands Moguo a small device.)

Moguo: what is it?

Ben: it's a silicon detonator. If Spears is in range when you set it off, it'll explode all the silicon in her body up with enough force to destroy at least four backstreet boys!

Moguo: whoa, that's a BIG explosion…

Ben: Use it well. Now go, my evil minion! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *falls of chair.*

Aeris: …Dude, you okay?

Ben: *climbing back up* I'm good. I'm good!

Eiko: O.o;; you guys scare me.

Ben: ^_^. We try our best. *too Moguo* you still here?

Moguo: going now boss.

Aeris: …uh-huh. You realize that if this works…

Ben: I'll be hailed as an international hero?

Aeris: …yes.

Ben: yay!

Eiko: erm…hello?

Ben: oh, yeah. Sorry. We're gonna turn you over to the audience now.

Eiko: …cool.

(Bodrj stands up.)

Ben: you again?

Bodrj: yeah, me again!

Ben: …okay.

Bodrj: Eiko, How comes you were so well tailored for a small girl who lived on her own for god knows how long?

Eiko: …erm… well… The moogles helped me! Yeah! They knew what I was supposed to look like, and helped me make clothes and stuff.

Ben: that would explain the crap clothes.

Eiko: Hey!

Aeris: Next?

(G.I.R stands up)

G.I.R: Eiko, what was that "girl talk" that you had with Dagger about????

Eiko: Hey! That was an extremely personal matter. What business is it of yours what it was about?!?

Aeris: It was about Candy, wasn't it?

Eiko: …Yes. Yes it was.

G.I.R: okay… Who would be the runner up for Zidane?

Eiko: …

Ben: erm…

Eiko: …

Aeris: I think we all know that answer to that one. Next?

(Choma white stands up.)

CW: Eiko, why the hell do you put up with that bimbo dagger?

Eiko: Hey Dagger isn't… wait a minute, why the hell DO I put up with her?!? she stood between Me and Zidane!

Ben: give some of the fics that were in the FF9 section of FFnet, that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

All: *flinch*

CW: why don't you put all of your moogles into trance, because if one of your moogles where a eidolon, then they all might be, meaning you'd have a Knights Of The Round made up of moogles?

Aeris: A knight of round made up of moogles, eh?

Eiko: That would be kind of cool… except I'd have to get them to stop dealing in illegal Paprika first.

Ben: ah, paprika…

All: THE HAPPY SPICE!!!

Eiko: yeah.

Ben: okay, I know that the next guy whose gonna stand up actually reviewed TWICE to give questions, but I put him last today, because he's actually asked FOUR QUESTIONS. Hell, even I cant cope with that.

(Apocalypsis stands up.)

Apocalypsis: okay, first: Why don't you ask Rydia (FF4) to show you the way to the Land of the Summons? You could do the same as her and stay there for ten years or so. Then you would certainly have a chance with Zidane.

Eiko: Look, I'm OVER Zidane, okay? I don't need him to make my life complete, and I harbour absolutely NO grudges!

Ben: is that a Garnet Voodoo doll?

Eiko: …no?

Aeris: yes it is, you've even made a little necklace for her…

Eiko: Plus, I have no IDEA who Rydia is!

Ben: don't you see her at the summoner's meetings?

Eiko: …they said I was too young to get in. I'M TOO YOUNG FOR EVERYTHING!!!

Ben: but not, for a Happy day (tm) cookie!

Aeris: I wondered when he was gonna do that…

Eiko: NEXT QUESTION!!!

Apocalypsis: If you had Dagger tied up to a chair and could do every sadistic little thing you've always wanted to do and every device of torture you could think of, then what would you do?

Eiko: well as I said, I bear no grudges, so I absolutely would NOT force her to watch endless streams of Pokemon, and I WOULDN'T push red-hot toothpicks into her toenails… And of Course, I WOULDN'T Shove that stupid necklace of hers down her man-stealing throat… grr…

Aeris: she's scaring me…

Ben: Me too, Aeris, Me too.

Apocalypsis: You seem very mature for a 6 year old, Eiko. Are you sure you're not a 15 year old in disguise, and if you are, would you go out with me?

Eiko: …OH JEEZ, NOT ANOTHER ONE! I'M A SIX YEAR OLD FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!

Ben: with one hell of a vocabulary!

Aeris: Would that be a no then?

Eiko: *claming down* ahem. Sorry. Anyway if it's a consolation, if I was 15 years old, I MIGHT be tempted, providing that Zidane wasn't free by that time.

Ben: okay… well that about wraps it up for this week! Next time, we've got everyone's favourite crack-addict, Selphie Tilmett! Oh, and please refrain from drugs-related questions. Otherwise I'll have nothing to ask. And thankyou once again for the response this time around. It's getting to the point where I can actually CHOOSE which questions get asked!!!

Aeris: for once…

Ben: yeah… okay, until next time. BYE!!!

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