Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy: WTF? ❯ MONKEY!!!!! ( Chapter 6 )

FF:WTF # 6

Announcer: its another episode of Final Fantasy: WTF! Brought to you by happy day cookies. They can be used as emergency flotation devices in wet weather, you know! And here are your hosts, Ben Myatt and Aeris Gainsborough!

(Ben and Aeris appear at top of stairs, and move down to desk.)

Ben: Hello, and welcome to another episode of WTF. Our average age in years is about 18; our average age in cynicism and malevolence is about 126.

Aeris: Speak for yourself buddy, I'm nice.

Ben: So that's why Tifa was going to beat you up for making a pass at Cloud, is it?

Aeris: … I decline to answer this question.

Ben: yeeeeah… okay, so in Final Fantasy news this week: Red mage, of 8-bit theatre and FF1 fame, had his teddy had been stolen at gunpoint.

(Flash to House.)

Barret: gimme yo teddy, foo!

RM: no! This is my +5/+5 teddy of power!

Barret: I don't care if it's a +5/+5 Condom of pleasure, hand it over!

Aeris: …'kay. After Selphie's appearance on the show last week, she found she had a stalker who had been refused entry to the studio…

(Flash to Selphie's dorm room.)

Selphie: huh? Hey, who's that in the bushes? Irvine? Is that you again? Oh, wait… no, NOT YOU!!!

Katie: HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Aeris: *shudders* I feel for you Selphie. I feel for you.

Ben: and Finally, in the latest episode in the "Shadowgate" scandal, we have secured an exclusive interview, given By Edgar and Celes.

(flash to interview room.)

Edgar: Sabin? Gay? With Shadow? Wow…

Celes: yeah, that's really weird.

Edgar: uh-huh.

Celes: I always thought he dug Locke.

Ben: …

Aeris: …

Moguo: …

Ben: that's just wrong.

Aeris: …I think I'm blind.

Moguo: I have the sudden urge to shoot something.

Ben: well, I think Harvister of souls is still around here somewhere…

Moguo: sweet. Catch'ya later.

(leaves.)

Ben: okay…well… before Zidane gets here, it's time for Aeris's "Word of the show!"

(drumroll.)

Aeris: …bit.

Ben: …I'm SO going to hurt you. But now, lets introduce our guest!

Aeris: from the world of Final Fantasy IX…

Ben: It's monkey boy! Put your hands together for Zidane!!!

(Audience cheers, and Zidane appears at the top of the stairs, moving down to the chair in front of the desk.)

Ben: *giggling* MONKEY!!!!!

Zidane: oh, grow up.

Aeris: never. So they let you out of your cage then?

Zidane: *glares* Shut… Up.

Ben: alright, alright, show a little maturity, Aeris.

Aeris: but weren't you…?

Ben: now's not the time to talk about your monkey fixation.

Aeris: but you were the one…

Ben: when I say be quiet, your mouth shuts.

Aeris: But…

Ben: Shhh!

Aeris: I…

Ben: shhh!

Aeris: Ben, I…

Ben: shhh! Knock knock.

Aeris: whose there?

Ben: shhh!

Zidane: you guys are weird, you know that.

Ben: oh, yes.

Aeris: okay, Zidane. If you were genetically created, how comes you're the only one who actually had the brains to develop the ability to use weapons?

Zidane: because I was given a soul. One of only two.

Aeris: so, you didn't do anything to deserve the soul?

Zidane: …well, I was chosen…

Ben: why?

Zidane: …well… because… OH JUST BECAUSE, OKAY???

Aeris: is this a slightly touchy subject for you?

Zidane: oh, what gave you that impression?

Aeris: your completely unwarranted outburst then.

Ben: heheheheheheh. Outburst.

Aeris + Zidane: *stare*

Ben: …sorry. Anyways, next question: Is your tail just a side effect of your genetic growth, or did you have it implanted for entirely another reason?

Zidane: …dude, why would I want a tail?

Aeris: oh, he's just being perverted again.

Zidane: oh, so your saying I could use my tail too…

Ben: stop that thought. Please.

Aeris: but you put it there…

Ben: shh!

Aeris: Ben…

Ben: I'm going to tell you a story about Mr and Mrs Shhh! They were very happy, and had a perfectly silent baby called little Shhh! And everytime you open your mouth, little Shhh! Feels pain. Do you want little Shhh! To feel pain Aeris?

Aeris: …no.

Ben: Shhh!

Zidane: I can't cope with this; I'm out of here…

(He stands to leave, but Moguo appears.)

Moguo: I couldn't find Harvister of souls, so I haven't shot anything today. If you don't sit down, I'll start with you.

Zidane: 0.o *sits*

Aeris: okay, last question before we turn you over to the audience. Zidane…

Zidane: yeah?

Aeris: are you, rather than being a genetically created creature, merely just an extremely inbred form of chimpanzee?

Zidane: Hey! I resent that!

(At Squaresoft offices. An executive is watching the show)

Exec: Shit! They've figured it out!

(Back at Studio.)

Zidane: of course I'm not a chimpanzee! I was grown in a vat, by Garland!

Ben: of course you were. Oooh! Oooh! One more question! Zidane, has Selphie tried to deal you paprika at all?

Zidane: oh yeah. Me and Dagger both love a bit of Paprika…

All: THE HAPPY SPICE!

Ben: mmm, Paprika. Anyways, Over to the audience!

(DragoonGrl stands up.)

DG: Hi Zidane, you're my favourite FF character of all time!

Zidane: I'm Very flattered.

Ben: and so you should be. Since you have a tail, you must be grateful for anything.

Zidane: sod off, Ben.

DG: My question is: During trance, you appear to be naked. Are you really?

Zidane: erm… you couldn't see anything, could you?

Ben: was there anything to see?

Zidane: hey, don't make me unleash the beast.

Aeris: dude, in trance you also appeared to have breasts. It's no big deal.

Zidane: I wasn't naked, Okay! I'm not a flasher!

Ben: well, we would believe you, except we went and chatted to the population of Alexandria…

(Video Screen lights up behind them.)

Guy: hell yeah, Zidane's a Flasher. You see him flashing all the time.

Hippaul: I've never seen Zidane Flashing… I haven't… honest… *bursts into tears* HE FLASHED ME!!!

Skipping Kids: He flashed us too! We managed to hid it behind our skipping rope, though.

Ben: *turning to Zidane* You disgust me.

Zidane: …I'm so very sorry…

Aeris: eww. Next question?

DG: Would you consider dumping Dagger for me?

Zidane: I'm sorry, but no. I'd never dump Dagger.

Ben: why?

Zidane: Because she's beautiful, I love her, and she has a carving knife.

Ben: …'kay.

(Shade-Angel stands up.)

SA: Why did you become a perve? Was it because when you were in tantalas the only girl that was in the group was Ruby?

Zidane: What makes you think I'm a perve?

Aeris: Aside from the flashing?

Ben: and the suggestive comments made to Dagger?

Aeris: and the absolutely appalling amount of NC-17 fics on FFnet?

Zidane: …Oh, sod off.

Ben: did you and ruby ever… *ahem*?

Zidane: …0_0

Aeris: Ben, that's not something you just ASK PEOPLE!

Zidane: 0_0

Ben: oh, gods. Does Zidane want happy day(tm) cookie?

Zidane: uh-huh! Zidane want cookie!

Ben: then Zidane Tell.

Zidane: Ruby and me got it ONNNNNNN!

Ben: good boy. *Gives Zidane cookie.*

Zidane: ^_^

Aeris: you really, really disgust me, Ben.

Ben: I know. Next question please!

SA: Well if you cheat on "other" girls why don't you cheat on Dagger?

Zidane: because I'll never be able to walk the same way again if I do! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT SHE CAN DO TO PEOPLE? SHE HAS A CASTRATION KNIFE!!!

Ben: …that's really disturbing. Is it just for use on you?

Zidane: uh-huh.

Ben: oh… that's ok then.

Aeris: gotta love your double standards here, Ben.

Ben: SHHH!

Aeris: …I

Ben: Shhh!

Aeris: NO!

Ben: Shhh! Shhh! That was a pre-emptive Shhh! By the way.

SA: Do you like that moogle-guard that hangs around here and annoys everyone?

Zidane: *blankly, as if reading from script.* Moguo is one of my greatest friends. He is a national treasure, and deserves a pay-rise.

Moguo: *prodding Zidane in back with M16* and…?

Zidane: And Aeris slept with him last night.

Ben: YOU WHAT???

Aeris: Erm… well…

Ben: Oh… my… god.

Aeris: HE'S LYING GODDAMMIT! I'D HAD TOO MUCH PAPRIKA!

ALL: THE HAPPY SPICE!

Ben: wait… I can solve this. Next question?

Katie: HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Moguo: ARGUFFLE! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *Runs like hell*

Zidane: phew.

Katie: erm, Zidane… have you ever wanted to tie your tail up in knots and then spend hours unpicking them?!?

Zidane: erm… no.

Katie: oh… cos I have! *lunges at Zidane's tail.*

Zidane: Gerroff!

Aeris: erm, Katie?

Katie: HELLLLLOOOOOOOOO!!!

Aeris: Moguo is getting away.

Katie: OOH! PRETTY MOOGLE!!! *Runs out of door.*

Ben: …Thankyou. On a not before the final question:- there was someone who posted a question on my reviews, but unfortunately circumstances have arisen that mean I cant actually GET to my reviews at the time of writing. I'm genuinely sorry over this. But now, FINAL QUESTIONS!!!

(GIR stands up.)

GIR: Zidane, Why do you Call yourself a petty thief?

Zidane: it originally read "Pretty thief" but they thought that would make me sound too much like Kuja.

Ben: …yeah. Right.

GIR: Who do you think is better, you or Locke?

Zidane: Me, Obviously.

Aeris: Locke.

Ben: Locke.

Moguo: *dashing back in* Locke.

Katie: PRETTY MOOGLE!

Moguo: ARRRGHHH!!! *runs*

Zidane: …GODDAMMIT!

Ben: okay, now that THAT's over, next time on the show we've got FF1's Fighter! And yes, before you ask, it WILL be a brutal rip-off of the infamous version from 8-bit theatre. And on that note, it's goodbye from Aeris:

Aeris: good…

Ben: SHHH! Goodbye from Zidane.

Zidane: I dread getting home.

Ben: well, that show went well, I thought.

Director: could've been worse.

Ben: Aside from Katie getting in again.

Director: Well… obviously.

Aeris: Did…

Director+Ben: SHHH!