Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Hero ❯ The Burdens of Fame ( Chapter 2 )

Angst and yaoi ahead. Still nothing new, sorry.

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Hero

Part Two - The Burdens of Fame

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Quistis Trepe punched the button on the private line. "Garden Administrator."

A tinny voice said, "Please hold for the President of Esther."

Quistis sank back in the padded executive chair, tapping her pen. But she had to smile when she heard Laguna Loire's breathless voice.

"Squall? Lissen Kiddo -"

"Squall's not here, Mr. President."

"Oh... Quisty?" Reassured by the affirmative noise she made that he'd correctly identified to whom he was speaking, Laguna said, "Call me Laguna. Is he really not there or just 'I'm not talking to that jerk' not there?" As always, he spoke in a rapid rush as if afraid he'd run out of air before he got his point across.

Quistis took a moment to sort that out and said, "Squall is really not at Balamb at all, Mr. President."

"Don't call me that!"

"Yes, Sir." Quistis fought back the smile that was sneaking into her voice and tried to remain professional sounding. "I thought he was with you."

Laguna sighed. "He was. Then we had another one of our famous 'Leave My Life Alone' fights, and I haven't seen him since." Another sigh, followed by a self depreciating chuckle. "It's been a couple of days, and, well, I cooled off... So I thought I'd call and you know, mend fences. Apologize."

"Squall hasn't shown up here. He does have several days of his vacation left."

"I know, but if Squall didn't go back to Garden, where did he go?"

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Quistis invited herself to join Zell at lunch. "You heard from Squall?" she asked casually, as she slipped in beside him.

Zell glanced up from the video he was watching on his laptop. "This guy's form stinks." He took another bite of hot dog. "Why would Squall call me?"

"You're his best friend, right?"

"Eeee.... yeah, mainly from lack of competition, but yeah." Zell chewed thoughtfully. "You know what he's been like, since... since we came back." His attention drifted back to the screen. "Since the Rinoa fiasco, anyway."

Quistis toyed with her breadstick. "I thought Rinoa had a chance, for a while there. I should call her... sometime."

"Okay." Zell finished his lunch and the video, waiting for Quistis to stop dropping hints and get to the point. When he noticed she was folding and refolding her napkin into little knife-edge creases, he spoke up. "I thought the Iceman was spending this vacation with his dad?"

"They had a big fight and Squall took off."

"Oo, surprise, surprise."

Quistis dismissed his sarcasm with a wave. "They have a lot of issues to work out."

Zell shut off the DVD, shaking his head. "They have no issues to work out, and that's the whole problem. Squall got along fine for 17 years with no father and even after 4 years of trying he still can't figure out what to do with one. Squall can't blow Laguna off, because he feels guilty since he's the only one of us who has a father. So he goes there and tries to do his duty and make nice, realizes he has no idea what he's doing, and bails."

"Do you know where he is?"

"I know Squall well enough to know that no one knowing where he is would be his idea of a great vacation."

"I have such a bad feeling about this."

Zell stood, gathering up laptop and assorted books and papers. "I'm late. Lissen, I bet you even now Squall is sitting somewhere dull, eating a vanilla ice cream cone, avidly waiting for the belt shop to open."

"Zell!" Quistis had to laugh.

Mission accomplished, Zell paused to say seriously, "You know Squall can take care of himself. He'll be back, exactly on time, and he'll probably never tell you where he was. That's just the way he is."

And trust me, Zell added mentally as he bounced off to his class, you don't wanna know the places Squally hangs out when he's cutting loose.

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When he pulled me back, I was furious.

I had finally succeeded in killing myself, and the Phoenix grabbed me and brought me back to a world of hurt. Cure after Cure whispered over me and the old sensation of flesh mending, organs healing, small bones knitting worked through my awareness.

I thought 'we must be in battle, they must need me up. It must be bad,' I thought, and I tried to remember what we were fighting... but I couldn't.

I reached for Shiva, but she was unjunctioned. I was alone.

Not completely alone, because the bastard who saved my life cast Esuana, instantly removing all traces of alcohol and other lovely pain numbing drugs from my system. I was alone, sober, and in great pain.

I wasn't afraid. When you want to die, there's not much you're afraid of.

Besides, I'd figured out who he was.

I woke up in the Infirmary. Or maybe the Hospital. I tried to get a status report at first. I thought it was still during the Ultimecia Thing, that we were in combat. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't up. Curagas aren't that great on broken bones, but you can move. I've done it before. You ignore the pain now, and push ahead to the goal. That's all you can do, keep focused on the goal.

Soon, they tell you, soon, the goal will be accomplished and this will be over.

They lie a lot.

The Doctor had a genial, reassuring bedside manner. To me that meant he either was keeping something from me, or he didn't have a clue. The result being, his status reports sucked.

I found out I was in Galbadia and that ended all my communications with Dr. Howarewedoing. I was still mixed up about what time it was - which when so to speak - and I didn't want to take any chances that would give away military secrets or get Laguna Loire institutionalized.

They were stingy with the painkillers - didn't want me to get addicted, the Nurse explained. I almost laughed. If she and the Doctor had any idea how much I already had to take just to get through a 10 hour working day, she would have run me an IV straight to the Pharmacy.

Strike that.

It's irrelevant.

As if I don't get enough of that from Zell. Little hints about starting early. Him always grabbing my coffee cup and offering to get me a refill so he can sniff the mug and see if I've slipped anything extra in there.

And the friendly talk from my father about how my drinking hobby has passed into a habit and is well on its way to a problem.

I have discipline. I never drink on duty. I don't drink socially. I only drink when I'm alone.

I hate being alone.

They took the Guardian Forces away from us. There was much shocked public outcry about the effects GF's had on us. Personal opinion, the world couldn't handle teenagers who could summon gods. The GF's are all supposed to be safely kept under lock and key at the various Gardens.

But I kept Shiva.

The whole memory loss thing was blown way out of proportion, anyway. How much of your childhood do you remember? I remember when mine ended well enough. I can hardly wait to forget that.

With Shiva, soon I'll have passed all of that and it will be gone, forgotten, painlessly.

Keep focused on the goal.

To keep my mind off the indignities of Hospital life, I searched for Shiva. Found her, finally, called her back and rejunctioned. She was angry with me, because I had cast her out just before I ...

The Guardians take damage when we do, you know. I didn't want to ...

Whatever.

I had been dozing but I woke up instantly when the Sleepe spell hit me. I pretended to be asleep as I was carried off, mainly to avoid having to answer the questions I knew would be coming. With Shiva's help I had pieced together a better idea of what was going on. I assumed I was going back to a Garden.

I knew it wasn't a Garden or a Hospital when I was placed on a waterbed.

I waited a few after the door closed and then decided Shiva and I needed to get out of there.

Only, I couldn't.

I couldn't get purchase. I couldn't traction. I couldn't figure out how to get my cast entrapped legs over the high wooden sides. Every time I rolled close enough to the edge, I sank too low into the bed.

It felt like I was in a crib. Or a coffin. I had gotten myself wedged in a ridiculous position and I thrashed uselessly until I was exhausted.

Shiva shifted in my mind, reminding me that she was there. I calmed myself down enough to partially sit up. I leaned back on both my arms, which changed the pain from ignorable to distracting. I looked up.

There he was, standing in the doorway, big and tawny and arrogant as any lion.

Laughing at me.

I decided, at first, to play dumb. "Who are you? Where am I?"

I could see on his face he was thinking about lying to me. That would have been surreal, he lying to me while I lied to him and both of us pretending to believe it.

Then his eyes narrowed. "Don't dick with me, Squall. I know you have Shiva. I can take her out and get the truth from her."

I didn't want to lose Shiva. "Fuck you, Seifer," I said. "She won't talk to you; she doesn't like you."

He laughed again, an easy sound. I never laugh out loud, I can't. Doesn't sound right, doesn't feel right. "It would be a sin to break you two up now." Seifer pushed away from where he'd been lounging against the doorjamb and padded over to me.

I shrank back into the bed. I'm not afraid of Seifer, never was, but there's a certain awful anticipation that comes when you suddenly notice the predator has noticed you. It came to me then exactly how helpless and dependant on him I was. I wasn't going to eat unless he brought me food and I wasn't going to sleep unless he brought me painkillers.

The thought was ... erotic.

Seifer spoiled the mood by fluffing the pillows and rearranging me on the bed as if I were a child. He started doing hospital type things to me with a surprisingly competent air. I found myself relaxing somewhat. I was so used to Seifer doing humiliating things to me that it was almost reassuring. And the warmth from the waterbed was nice.

I slept a lot, ate what Seifer gave me, improved slowly. I wondered why he didn't cast Curaga on me... but if I were healed, I wouldn't be his captive anymore.

I could have cast Cure on myself. Did he wonder why I didn't? Or did he figure, as I did, that even healed it was the heavy casts that kept me in the bed, helpless?

Eventually I was feeling well enough to be bored. I watched Seifer for a while. He sat at his desk, reading, making notes, checking things on the computer. Ordinarily I would have had no problem with Seifer ignoring me. I would have done whatever I had to do and ignored him right back.

But I didn't have anything to do. I wanted a drink. Instead I actually initiated a conversation.

"What are you doing?"

The Almasy smirk. "Reading about human parasites."

Keeping my voice neutral, I asked, "Any particular reason?" I closed my eyes and waited for the punch line.

"Know thy enemy. Makes you itchy after a while, though. It's for my Microbiology class."

"You're studying microbiology?" I don't know why I was shocked. I was always the better student but if something caught Seifer's attention, there was no stopping him.

"Trying to get into Med School, " he said, sounding shy.

I felt even more adrift, even more of a loser. It occurred to me that Seifer had always been the one with the dreams, the plans. He had always set the goals. He was still moving forward. I was trying to get off the path.

More snidely than I meant to, I said, "Is that why you are practicing without a license?"

He came and lightly ran his hands over me. "Just playing doctor."

Now that I had his attention, I didn't want it. I closed my eyes and turned my face away.

Seifer stroked my hair. "You cut it." It was an accusation.

"It's been 4 years. I needed a more professional look." I'd been hoping for a more adult, more masculine look, too, but having seen my father I knew that was hopeless.

"Squall."

I opened my eyes. Something in his voice warned me. I thought it had come time for the inevitable interrogation. I sighed.

"I have to go back to work tomorrow."

Fear smothered me. He was going to leave me. "No," I whispered.

I don't think he heard me, because he kept talking. "I was putting off using the Curagas because you lost so much blood..."

"No," I said, shaking my head. I was going to be alone again.

"And the spells don't really knit your bones properly, they just sort of hold you together."

Shiva stirred. I held my breath, trying to stay focused on the goal. The goal was to stay calm. I kept thinking, he's leaving me again. He's leaving me all alone and helpless and I can't do anything about it.

The true goal was not to be alone anymore.

"What you need to do is disjunction Shiva so-"

"No!" I hauled myself up into a mostly sitting position, back against the headboard. "No, no!"

"Squall..." Seifer reached for me and I slapped his hand away.

"You're not taking her," I hissed. "You are not leaving me all alone!"

Reasonably, he said, "Squall, Shiva blocks magic effects. That's why-"

"No!!" I reached for the bedside table and threw the first thing my hand closed on at Seifer. The water carafe hit him in the chest. I followed that with everything else I could find.

He stood, unmoving, blinking slowly at me. The part of my mind that was still rational knew Seifer was fighting for control of his temper. I took advantage of the situation to try to get away from him before he took Shiva, before he left me again. I went wild and some how I managed to partially fall out of the bed.

When he caught me I hit him as hard as I could.

Seifer threw me back onto the bed and rolled in with me. I was still trying to hit him. He crushed me to him, pinning my hands, holding me still.

He said, "What have they done to you?"

I was crying. I guess I was hysterical. The physical stress, the drugs... or lack of.

Whatever.

I told him, "I did what they wanted. I was a good boy! I made it to the goal. There was no happy ending. You didn't come back. I'm still alone!"

"You're not alone. I'm here."

"Yes, I am. You're going to leave me, too. Don't take Shiva... I can't stand being alone!"

Seifer rolled us both over and arranged me so I was lying more comfortably on top of him. He cuddled me close and rubbed my back. It felt... safe.

Seifer had no illusions about me. I didn't have to live up to being The Great Hero around him. He'd kicked my ass too many times to lose respect for me now.

I told him everything.

I told him how scared I'd been through the whole Ultimecia Thing. How it left darkness inside me I couldn't get away from.

How the weight of Their respect was crushing me. I was becoming deformed, shaped to others' expectations. The wildness I sought when I escaped from them, the fuck clubs, the drinking.

I told Seifer about how I failed everyone. I couldn't make Rinoa, my father, myself happy.

I told him about the suicide attempts.

Seifer said nothing, just listened and rubbed circles on my back. Sometimes his arms would tighten briefly around me and his hands would stop their soothing. Then he would take a deep breath and start again. His hands were so warm on my skin. Without meaning to, I was slowly relaxing.

I told him how we'd been forced to turn the GF's in after the war because they were dangerous to us and we were dangerous with them. I became so depressed Zell stole Shiva back and gave her to me.

"Zell is a good friend," Seifer said.

"Zell would back me if I suggested putting small children on the breakfast menu. He's part of the problem. Zell... he was there, too, but somehow I ended up The Great Hero. He worships me. I let him down all the time."

"You think he disapproves of your lifestyle?"

"Hyne, yes. You should have seen his face when he fetched me out of that club in Esther. It's not the homosexuality; it's the blind casual fucking. And all the rest. Zell says it's self destructive." I smiled a little. "He knows he can't stop me, so he does damage control."

Seifer made a noncommittal noise. I wiped my eyes. At least my nose wasn't running. I rested my head on Seifer's chest and listened to his heartbeat for a while.

"Please don't take Shiva."

Seifer rolled me back to the helpless position. "Just disjunction while I cast. You can have her right back."

Obediently I set Shiva aside, ignoring the rush of loss that washed over me. Seifer put his hands on my legs and cast curaga after curaga. I lay there blinking back tears. I was sure Seifer would send me back to the Garden now that I no longer needed him.

He ran his hands over me again. I could feel the magic seeking and prying. Gently, Seifer removed the last of the Hospital Things and the tape. He whispered one more cure and all the pain was gone.

I brought Shiva back and welcomed her in a relieved rush. "What about the casts?"

Seifer rubbed my legs just above the casts. He smirked at me. "If I take them off you won't be helpless anymore."

The shivery targeted feeling came back. "I thought that was the idea."

"Maybe." Seifer moved his hand to between my legs.

I was instantly hard. "Seifer!" I protested, but I didn't push him away.

He flashed me the patented Almasy smirk. Seifer reached up under me, grabbing me by the hips, and hauled me a short ways towards the foot of the bed. The mushiness of the bed and the weight of the casts pushed up a bubble behind my lower back. Now that the pain was gone I used the bubble to help me lean up on my elbows to look at Seifer.

I'm not into foreplay. When I want to fuck, I want to fuck now. I don't need to be primed or loosened up. If it hurts, I'll deal with it. But what he was doing was incredible. I thought, he can do that forever.

My body suddenly decided no, it wanted more right now.

"Seifer..." I shivered and squirmed under his hands. "Seifer..." I tried to buck my hips up to him to give him the hint. That's when I realized that with these casts on, there was no way. I couldn't bend my knees. I couldn't get my legs spread wide enough, my ass up enough. "Seifer," I said, my voice getting rough, "It's not going to work!"

He paused. "Seducing you? I dunno, seems to be working fine."

"No, fucking."

"I'm not going to fuck you."

"I sure as Hyne can't do you like this!"

Seifer laughed and kissed my belly. "Do you seriously think you are ever gonna be in enough control here to fuck me?" He licked my navel before going back to what he'd been doing.

I tried to think of some way to make him give me more, but Seifer was right, he was the one in control. I lay back, arms stretched over my head. The bed arched me up. My body was bowed up, offered to him.

Seifer took my submission and gently kissed what was within reach - my nipples, my chest, my belly, hips... everything but what I wanted.

"Seifer," I growled.

He brushed my face. I captured one of his fingers and bit it, showing my frustration at too much gentleness.

All the pleasures stopped abruptly.

"Seeeeeiiiiifer?"

"No biting."

I writhed and sulked but was finally forced to apologize. "Sorry."

He put his hand back over my face. This time I sucked his fingers while he used his other hand to heat me back up to where I'd been before. Seifer reclaimed his fingers and slid one up inside me. He found the sweet spot right away, making me thrash.

Seifer held me down and rocked my hips on the waterbed, stroking my spot until I was ready to start screaming. I wanted to grab his golden hair and force him to do what I needed, but I was afraid of spoiling the perfect position he'd gotten me into.

Finally, Seifer lowered his mouth to my cock. I would have come instantly but he wouldn't let me. Instead, the pleasure built until I was almost mad with it. I think I was screaming his name. I know I was begging. Then...

Sweet Hyne.

Seifer kissed me and pet me and held me until I could move and think again. That would have been a good point for time compression. If you have to spend a thousand years doing something, that had my vote.

Too soon Seifer broke away from me. I stayed limp on the bed, waiting for my usual post-coital depression.

Seifer came back to the bed with a dremel, two pairs of safety glasses, and disposable respirators.

"Kinky," I said, startling a laugh out of him.

"Hold still, okay? There are much better ways to do this, but I don't have access to them." He used the little cutting tool to cut the casts off.

It was such a relief to be able to bend my knees, to scratch, to get out of the bed. Which I did and promptly collapsed.

Seifer came back from taking out the mess and scooped me up. "No, no, and no. You're gonna need some physical therapy. At least stretch and warm up a little, you know that! Minimal walking, minimal standing. You're not really healed, how many times do I have to tell you that?"

I looked up into his sea colored eyes. "How do you know I didn't just want you to hold me some more?"