Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Insanity ❯ Dreams ( Chapter 5 )

This is a SeiferxZell yaoi and if you don't like it don't read it.

Disclaimer: Blondes not mine

"…"talking

~…~thoughts

{…}memories

Italics Zell's self-preservation

In the busy cafeteria several cadets are enjoying breakfast. The noise and commotion is typical of the average teenager hangout, yet in a far corner sits a young woman who has left her carefree days behind long before reaching puberty. Messy hair and a tired look made her seem older than she really was. Sitting in a slouch and drinking coffee, she contemplates her previous night.

~ Is Zell going to be okay? Everyone near the center said he was running like a madman and when I went to his room, there wasn't any answer. I shouldn't have left him alone. He was my responsibility and my friend and I let him down. How could I be so heartless and inconsiderate?~

"Good morning, Quistis" Rinoa walked up to the blond and gave her a hug. "You haven't been sleeping well." The former sorceress was in no better conditions. Her hair had lost its shine and skin looked deathly pale. The smile she offered her friend also seemed like an eco of its predecessor.

Squall approached both of them and stood next to his girlfriend. His careless hairstyle was even more disheveled than normal. The red-rimmed eyes and tired stance showcased a sleepless night. The group seemed exhausted and weary of the world. "We need to talk…about Zell."

Quistis looked at him at the mention of her charge in hopes of any news about his whereabouts. "Have you seen him? Is he okay?"

The brunette nodded and sat down in a pensive posture. "Yesterday…at the center."

The tall blond sat up. "I left him there, so I could take some cadets to the Infirmary. The ones you saved from the T-Rexaur. We were going to have dinner together, but he never showed up. I haven't seen him since…I'm worried."

Tears of guilt were forming in her blue eyes. She wasn't going to let them fall, not in public; she had to remain strong for everyone else. She blamed herself for being irresponsible and thoughtless, knowing that Zell needed help, yet easily accepting his jovial personality as a sign that he was perfectly fine. This wasn't the only reason for her tears though. As much as she had fought to remain unconvinced that the dreams were real, she began to believe what she was told in them.

Upon hearing the beginning of the conversation, Rinoa decided to leave them in privacy since she couldn't contribute any help whatsoever. "I'll get us some breakfast while you two talk. Do you want pancakes or eggs and bacon, Squall? How about some fruit or a bagel?"

In the past she would have stayed and demand to know all the details, so she could make up a plan and give helpful suggestions. The present's different now. The feeling of being helpless and dependent on others was overwhelming; in the nightmares and in life she depended on Squall to save her, to make it stop hurting. All the Asian woman could think about was how useless she was for everyone and how she only caused problems for others. The dreams from the night before compounded these feelings of inadequacy.

"Just coffee" The hero's voice was empty and tired.

"Black with two sugars, right?" She smiled and turned around towards the counter, without waiting for his answer.

He watched her walk away and sighed heavily. "Dr. Kadowaki ordered me to go to training center, so she could talk to Rinoa in private. She really did it, because she knew I needed a break." He covered his face in one hand. "After killing the beast I saw Zell near the entrance and…"

"And what? What happened next?" Quistis implored. "I was told that he ran out of there, as if Diablos was behind him."

Recalling the look on his comrade's face, the pure fear in his eyes, the pleading voice and trembling hands, it did look as if the GF was after him, even though Zell faced it and worse in the battlefield with a defiant smile. "He was running away from me."

"But…why? You're his friend, he trusts you with his life. What made him do that?" This was not what she expected. Their hyper companion never had a reason to fear any of them. He was around Squall before and didn't show any apprehension then.

"He was afraid…of me." He spoke more towards himself than to Quistis. He cared deeply for his friends even though he couldn't show it.

A tray was placed on the table and Rinoa sat down. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Here's your coffee." She handed Squall the drink and a couple of packets of sugar and started eating her muffin. "Don't mind me."

"Thanks." He poured a couple of packets into his beverage and stirred lightly, still thinking about that incident last afternoon. ~I scared him. He looked like those soldiers that I've killed countless times, just before my blade came down on them. But I wasn't attacking him or anything. Why did he fear me as if I was a monster?~

Quistis was shifting in her seat. This new development was caused by whatever had traumatized Zell in Time Compression. ~I wasn't there. He needed me and I wasn't there. Maybe Seifer was right about me.~

As her taller friends remained silent and deep in thought, Rinoa became uncomfortable. She wanted to ask what was wrong, make them reveal what troubled them; help them through it, if she could. Yet, she was so afraid to try. ~I'm useless. I can't do anything or help anyone. They won't talk around me. Dr. Kadowaki was wrong about me. Seifer was right.~ Not feeling hungry anymore, she pushed the half-eaten pastry away. Looking around her, she could see the other cadets talking and laughing, enjoying life. She felt determined to return that happiness to her friends. ~No, the dreams are lying. The doctor said I had to be strong, not just for everyone else, but for me. I could help. I can help.~

"Tell me what happened." She spoke in a quiet voice, breaking the SeeDs out of their daze. "Yesterday, with Zell…tell me what happened."

"He saw me at the training center and freaked out." He said concisely.

"After you were covered in that dinosaur blood or before?" She asked cautiously, yet she began to understand what happened. "Were you carrying your gunblade?"

"Yes…but he has seen me before like that thousands of times." Thinking about the state he was in and how newbies were scared when they first saw veterans after battle, it made some sense. But Zell wasn't a novice.

Rinoa was thinking of how to phrase her next sentence, without insulting her protector. "Sometimes…when I see you train…or just stand there with your gunblade…I…I'm afr-…You frighten me." The look of hurt on his face made her regret speaking out, however she needed to finish what she started. "I know you'll never hurt me and I love you for that, but…it reminds me of Seifer…in my dreams…killing everyone." Tears started to flow from her brown eyes and she covered her face, feeling ashamed of being so weak.

Quistis, listening to the entire conversation, realizes a connection between Rinoa, Zell and herself. "I think you're right. Why didn't I see it before? After our battle with Ultimecia, I also faced Seifer in a dream world. He wasn't physically threatening me, but I suffered by being around him. If you saw the same thing, it's probable that whatever happened to Zell is similar."

Rinoa looked up in astonishment. "You saw Seifer too? I thought I was the only one; especially because of my nightmare last night."

"I had one as well. In it I was playing Triple Triad with him like we used to, before all this happened. It was nice…until Irvine broke into the room carrying Selphie's mangled body…He was screaming for help, but all I did was sit there and continued to play. Seifer laughed and said that that's exactly how I acted towards everyone…That I was uncaring, like him. When I looked at the cards, they were Trepies with mauled bodies. I was playing with their lives as if it was a game…Irvine continued to scream, until Seifer slashed across his torso with the Hyperion, covering himself in blood. He joked that if he wanted to listen to country music, he would have turned on the radio."

Quistis had divulged something, that before she barely could admit to herself. Knowing that she wasn't alone in her experience helped greatly to get the nightmare off her chest. "Unlike before, I hardly put up any resistance, until it was too late."

The brunette woman's tears had stopped falling and she felt comforted that Quistis would understand her. "In mine, I was fishing with Seifer like we used too, before I joined the Timber Owls…We were laughing and joking. Like yours it felt nice at first, but then…Irvine and Selphie walked by and waved to us…Seifer stood up, as if he was going to talk to them…I stayed at the pier watching the fish swim around, until I heard a ear-piercing scream from Selphie…when I turned around, I saw Irvine slumped on the floor and Seifer holding his head by his ponytail a couple of feet away…I couldn't stand up or scream…nothing…Selphie begged me to help her fight back…that together we could beat him…but I didn't help…I couldn't…He stabbed through her and cut the blade to the side and left her bleeding to death…he sat back down next to me…tied Irvine's head to the fishing rod and handed it to me…He said that maybe the cowboy could at least attract fish better than women…then I woke up."

Rinoa felt relief after finishing, but also guilt. "Before, I ran away from him…in that dream I did nothing at all, but sit there."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Hearing about the dreams and remembering how scared Rinoa was last night, how she refused to sleep and had to be held until daybreak, he felt unease at not knowing how bad it really was.

"I thought you would think that I was being silly," She wrung her hands worriedly. ~What if Squall leaves me? He probably thinks I'm a coward and a weakling. I don't know what I'll do if he breaks up with me.~

"I'd never think that, but I want to help you get better." He stroked the side of her face and smiled softly. "I'm your knight, remember?"

"We need to tell Kadowaki of this immediately. If our dreams are connected, maybe Zell went through the same trauma as us. We can help him." With new determination and knowledge, Quistis was sure that a solution wasn't far away.

The speakers around the Cafeteria chimed and a woman's voice announced. "Will the SeeDs Quistis Trepe and Squall Leonheart and civilian Rinoa Heartilly report to Dr. Kadowaki's office in the Infirmary, as soon as possible? I repeat, will the SeeDs Quitis Trepe and Squall Leonheart and civilian Rinoa Heartilly report to Dr. Kadowaki's office in the Infirmary, as soon as possible? That is all."

"That's lucky." Squall stood up along with his female companions. Ready to reveal their findings, they don't expect the news that awaits them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting at a simple table sipping orange juice and reading a book was a petite woman. The light filtering through the curtains as the sun rose gave her an ethereal look, as she turned the pages slowly. Her silver hair and pale skin seemed to glow in the low light, then turning her crimson eye away from the book and towards her companion she spoke words of endearment.

"QUIT staring at me, Raijin!. You're creeping me out." She returned to her story and drank the last of the juice in a big gulp, slamming the glass against the table. Fujin wasn't one for delicate things.

"Can't help it, ya know? Want more juice, or something?" He stood up from the sofa, from where he had admired his long-time companion. As he picked up the glass, he closed in on her cheek to kiss her, only to feel the stinging pain of a metal tip boot slam against his shin. "OW!! What was that fer? I didn't do nothing. Who wears boots in the morning anyway?"

"I do" Fujin said coldly as she continued reading. She really loved the big man, but she had a reputation to uphold. Besides it's fun to see him try every morning.

Seifer walked into the small room. It was the entryway, kitchen and living room at the same time. There was only one bedroom in the small apartment that they shared and a bathroom without a shower. Broken floorboards, leaky ceilings and a pest infestation made this place uninhabitable; until the trio fixed it up a bit. He wore a long sweater and some slacks. His hair was messy and his face looked gaunt, the look in his eyes was haunted.

"I can't sleep while you two play your ritualistic mating dance." He sat down at the table in a slump and rested his head in between his arms, so his voice was muffled. "What's for breakfast?"

"Eggs and juice, not much of anything else, ya know? Want some?" Seifer waved his hand without looking up. "Got it. I'm in the mood for some scrambled eggs." Raijin went to the kitchen with the glass.

"Seifer, show me your arms." Fujin tapped the top of his head with her knuckles.

He stiffened at the order, but relented stretching out both his arms. There was no point in denying what he does to himself and Fujin wouldn't take no for an answer. His forehead still rested on the table as she rolled up the sleeves, he didn't want to see her face. Several scars crisscrossed his forearm, some months old from when he tried to take his life, to stop himself from killing others.

{Ultimecia simply locked him in a sealed room, where his blood couldn't drip out. He spent several days in it, watching as the blood never ran out and the wounds never closed. By the time the sorceress let him out the crimson liquid reached his neckline. "Be glad, my Kursed Knight, I've been in a good mood lately. Others have suffered worse for trying to end their allegiance to me prematurely."}

Fujin inspected his arms carefully finding several recent cuts. "I'll get the antibiotic and some bandages." She stood up and went to the cabinet and came back with iodine and gauze. She cleaned the cuts and wrapped his scarred forearms in the cloth. "The nightmares were bad tonight, weren't they?"

"I'm sorry, Fujin, for all of this shit. I'm so fucking weak I'm cutting myself all the time…but it's the only way I can bleed the memories out." He lifted his head and looked at her. There was no judgment in her eye, nor pity or superiority. All he could see was understanding and acceptance. He saw the same look in Raijin's eyes. They cared for him and protected him from the contempt of the people in town. They were the only thing keeping him alive.

The dark-skinned man came back, balancing three plates in his arms. After settling them down on the table he rushed back for the glasses and a jug of juice.

Watching how Raijin comically tried to carry everything at once was uplifting. Seifer didn't need to hide anything from his posse or worry about what they thought about him, even though he didn't care what anyone thought about him. Finally helping the taller man with the load, they settled down at the table and begun eating. Making old jokes and weird observations about life, they enjoyed their meal peacefully until a rock was thrown through the window. It was aimed for Seifer, but Raijin caught it.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He bellowed out of the window as several teenagers only a couple of years younger than them ran for their lives. "I'm going to teach those brats a lesson, ya know?" He ran towards the door and opened it, but the scarred blond grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Forget those bastards." Seifer pulled his fuming friend inside. As he was about to close the door, he noticed graffiti painted on it saying; WITCH'S BITCH in a neon orange. Seeing this he slammed the door and punched the wall as hard as he could. He felt his knuckles crack and blood drip from his fist, but he didn't care. Sliding towards the floor, he sat down.

"Seifer, forget them. They're naïve, brainless pricks that should get their shitsouls taken to hell by Doomtrain, ya know?" He put his hand on the fair-haired knight's shoulder.

He rubbed his injured hand. "No…they're right. Even when she's not around, I still do what she wants…In the dreams, I still do what she wants." The death and pain that he caused in those dreams were too realistic. He could feel it.

Fujin sat next to him and crossed her legs. "If you want, you can tell us what happened in them? Get it out." Holding destructive emotions like self-hatred inside was killing Seifer. She wanted to prevent him from harming himself, but she couldn't force it. If she could manage to make him disclose his loathing for his actions instead of resorting to suicidal tendencies, he would get better; at least that's what she hoped.

He crossed his arms and looked towards the wall. "I had three nightmares at the same time. Just like in Time Compression, I was in different places doing different things. All of them started okay, played cards with Quistis; fished with Rinoa; and Zell…" He stopped talking remembering the sight that was presented before him at the cliff. A god was sitting there all by himself. His beauty was remarkable and Seifer couldn't help but embrace such a precious treasure. When the tattooed deity didn't resist and actually nuzzled into his chest to sleep, he hadn't been more blissful at any other moment in his life, but then he lost control and impaled his hand into the terrified boy's shoulder while taunting him.

Seifer shook his head and banged his fists against his temples. "I'm a monster… I killed Irvine and Selphie twice and I enjoyed making jokes about that Galbadian cowboy…and…and Zell… I attacked him again… when he was most vulnerable…he trusted me…and I…I…raped him…but he still trusted me…I got off on it…I fucking enjoyed hearing him cry…I'm a monster."

Fujin and Raijin held him close letting him choke out his pain. "It's not your fault; she fucked with your mind. It didn't happen, it was just a dream, a nightmare, ya know?"

He pushed his friends away and grabbed his hair painfully. "No, it…it wasn't. I could smell the sea air… I felt the playing cards in my hands…Zell's hair under my chin…the heat from the blood…everything was real."

"Zell and the others are at Garden. They're fine, nothing has happened to them. You're the only one suffering from the nightmares Ultimecia forced into you." Fujin tried to comfort him. The only news that they have heard from the heroes is that they're safe and sound, preparing for a gala in about ten days.

"They're not 'fine'. I can sense it… I fucked them up. I know it."

TBC

A/N:

Please review and tell me what you think of the story so far. I've noticed that I've gotten plenty of hits, but only one review. It'd be nice to know if my story is enjoyable… in a depressing, angsty way.