Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Keep On Rockin' In Midgar ❯ Irony Sucks ( Chapter 2 )

Keep On Rockin' In Midgar

 

By Kawaii and Junsui

 

Disclaimer: We do not own Final Fantasy or anything mentioned in this fic… if we did, we'd be rolling around in the money we got from it like a rich assholes we were.

 

Chapter 2:

Irony Sucks

Cloud pushed open the door to the small house he and Tifa lived in. As he walked in, miles upon miles of toys were struned over the floor. There was baby food splattered over the wall and empty happy meal boxes were thrown about. Cloud screamed as he saw what appeared to be the corpse of a doll with roaches coming out of its eyes.

“T-tifa?” He cried.

“WHAT CLOUD?” Tifa screamed, Cloud flinched and whimpered, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

“I'm home?” It was more of a question.

“Oh perfect. You can sit on your lazy ass all day while I take care of the kids, and the house, and Yuffie.” She yelled back.

“T- wait. Kids?” He inquired, “As in more than one?!”

“Are you an idiot Cloud? We've been married for 25 years!” Tifa screamed, “And we have ten children!”

“DAHHHH!!!!” Cloud screamed, pulling at his blonde hair, “Ten? TEN? But I'm only twenty-three!!!! How can we be married for 25 years?”

“Papa, are you on crack?” A child that looked disturbingly like Yuffie inquired.

“GAH! And what are you?!” Cloud jumped.

“I'm Cloufie! Your illegitimate daughter with your mistress, Yuffie!” She explained cheerfully.

“What?!” Cloud fell over backwards into the piles of toys as the front door burst open.

“Cloudie!” Squealed a familiar voice as Reno skipped in, dressed in a purple t-shirt and matching pants, behind him was Yazoo, in a pink sundress, fawning over their twenty-three neon-pink-haired children.

“MY EYES!!! THEY BURN!!!” Cloud screamed, beginning to writhe on the floor.

“Papa, what's wrong?” Asked a little girl that looked like Aeries.

“AND WHO ARE YOU?” He screamed.

“I'm your second illegitimate child, Aroud!” She beamed.

“With Aeries?! But she's dead!” Cloud yelled loudly.

“No I'm not!” A disembodied voice cried.

“Wait- how many illegitimate children do I have?!” Cloud asked.

“Three!” Cloufie and Aroud beamed.

“And who's the third?!” Cloud enquired as the door burst open.

“Hi all!” Vincent beamed, “I'm here to see my granddaughter Cloudieroth!”

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” Cloud screamed, and woke up in a cold sweat. He looked around the room; he jumped out of bed and sprinted into the sitting room.

“TIIIIIIIIFAAAA!” Cloud screamed, seizing his beau by the shoulders, “We don't have ten kids, right?!”
“Huh? We're not even married yet, Cloud…” She blinked.

“Oh, right…” He took a deep breath.

“What's the matter Cloud?” Yuffie inquired, popping up from behind the sofa.

“GAH!” Cloud yelled, “I don't have illegitimate child with you, Aeries, or Sephiroth, do I?! DO I?!”

“Um… do you need to sit down?” Yuffie inquired as Vincent walked in.

“AND YOUUUU!!!” Cloud pointed accusingly towards him, “You may NOT see your granddaughter!”

“What are you talking about?” Vincent blinked.

“GAHHHH!!!! It was the most HORRIBLE dream EVER. Even worse than the one with the talking cheese and pink bunnies!” Cloud whimpered.

Blink. Blink.

“What's that with talking cheese and pink bunnies?” Yuffie inquired as Tifa cuddled Cloud.

“There, there, Cloud. Its okay. Nothing's going on. Nothing's going to get you…” She soothed.

“But… but…” Cloud stuttered, “But I saw Yazoo in a pink sundress with his and Reno's twenty-three children!!!”

“Now that's enough to make anybody scared.” Vincent commented as he headed towards the kitchen, opened the fridge, and searched around for a soda and picked up the nearest can, “Jazz Diet Pepsi Strawberries and Cream? Sounds good.”

“CAN I MAKE BABY FOOOOOD!” Yuffie howled.

“What the hell?” Cloud and Tifa yelled, slamming their hands over their ears.

“I want to use the food processor to make food for the baby!” Yuffie squealed as she pirouetted around the room.

“Yuffie, the baby's not born yet.” Tifa replied, “It won't be born for another eight months, at least.”

“Oh.” Yuffie stopped spinning, a sad look on her face, “Maybe we could freeze it. And it won't be that long, right? You already look pretty fat-“

Yuffie landed in the street outside of the house. Having been kicked very hard in the ass, she probably wouldn't be moving for a while.

Tifa dusted off her hands; a triumphant smile on her face. Cloud blinked at her, slightly scared.

“Ya know.” Tifa began. “We're gonna have to clear out our place after we get married.”

“What do you mean?” Cloud asked, looking around at all the flaming piles of shit.

“Like all your porn mags everywhere! You know what happened last time Denzel found one of those.” Tifa scolded, glaring at the naked sluts on the covers.

“Oh… yeah…” Cloud grinned sheepishly. Denzel and his friends were all sitting in a circle with about 20 different magazines in the center. Cloud opened the door to this site, eyeing over the centerfolds in particular.

“Hey Cloud!” Denzel beamed. “Which one do you like best?” Cloud looked around.

“Hmmm… THAT one!” he said pointing to a girl with boobs that would put Tifa to shame.

“CLOUD!!!” Tifa exclaimed, giving Cloud the biggest lump on the back of his head that he had had in his entire life.

“That hurt, ya know.” Cloud whined, breaking out of his memories.

“Good!” Tifa approved. “Now come with me.” Cloud followed her as she went from room to room. “When we get married, I want us to have the house to ourselves.”

“Why?” Cloud asked, earning him an exasperated look from Tifa. She shook her head.

“The house is small enough without EVERYONE living in it with us!” She moved to the first room, peering inside with Cloud over her shoulder. In room number 1 was Cid, making his 52nd paper airplane.

“Hey, since when was Cid in this story?” Cloud inquired.

“Since now.” Tifa answered shortly, moving on the room number two. In this room was Yuffie, whom had just recently climbed through the open window. “Oh no you don't!” Tifa yelled, once again kicking the ninja out of the house. “Now on to room number three!” Tifa said cheerily. In this room they found Loz, who was watching football… and cheering for the ball.

“Uh…” Cloud began. “Loz, you're supposed to cheer for a team, not the ball.”

“Go ball!” Loz yelled. “Go, go, go! Be FREEEEEEEE!!!”

“You have to pay to stay in this room you know! Lodging isn't free!” Tifa scolded.

“Well if I had a cookie, everything would be free!” Loz sang.

“Wha…” Tifa and Cloud exchanged weird looks.

“Oh look! A rhinocecerous!” Loz screamed, jumping on the curtains.

“Okaaaay.” Tifa said, pulling Cloud to the next room. This one had Kadaj and Yazoo, looking at-

“Hey! Those are MINE!” Cloud whined, snatching the magazines from the two silver haired men. “Hey! Aren't you gay?!”

“NO!” Yazoo yelled. “Reno made me, I SWEAR!”

“Oh… okay!” Cloud beamed. And in the last room was… We now return to Dr. Phil! “Vincent?” Vincent looked up from his pile of tissues.

“It's just so touching!” Vincent sobbed.

“Vincent… you're on crack!” Cloud blinked. “You're on freaking CRACK! CRACK IS BAAAAAADDD!!!” Cloud yelled as Tifa pulled him out of Vincent's room by the collar.

“I'm not on crack!” Vincent sobbed as Cloud handed him a porn mag, “Some day, I'm going to call Dr. Phil himself so he can come here tooooo…” Vincent trailed off, a streak of blood spurting from his nose as began to study the mag.

“Okay. So, that's all the hotel-ish rooms.” Cloud sighed as they started up the stairs, “So there's Marlene and Denzel's room and our room up here…”

“We have to get rid of them.”

“So if we put Denzel on the roof and-“ Cloud stopped and blinked, “What?”

“Barrette will be coming to pick Marlene up in a couple of days, so that takes care of that.” Tifa mused, rubbing her chin, “And we can make him bring Denzel with them.”

“But that's not nice.” Cloud frowned, his forehead wrinkling.

“Too bad, so sad.” Tifa sighed, “We need the room.”

Cloud glanced into the room that the (what now was) brother and sister shared. Innocent scribbles were tacked to the wall; plushies sat piled three feet high on Marlene's bed, a magazine of anime girls in bikinis was thrown over Denzel's pillow. Cloud blinked, and the room was transformed.

A small, pink bassinette sat in the corner of the room. The walls were painted pink and there was a light-wooded double bed pressed against the wall. Cloud observed pink teddy bears, pink rattles, pink teething rings, and other pink, baby-girlish things. Tifa, dressed modestly in a white men's dress shirt and some jeans, looked up from the pink bassinette, smiling lightly at Cloud, who timidly walked over.

“Isn't she beautiful?” The happy mother fawned gently. Cloud peeked over her shoulder to stare at the hard, green-blue eyes of a silver-haired child dressed in leather footie pajamas and holding a rattle shaped like a long katana, she smiled maliciously at him and drew a tiny, chubby finger across her throat.

“GAAAAAAAAAH!” Cloud screamed, backing up, running into a wall as he was forced back into reality. Tifa looked to him, raising an eyebrow.

“Cloud?” She said slowly.

“Hubba- jibba- PINK- baby- Sephiroth- YOU- crib- leather- hibba- GAAAAAAAAAH!”

Ker-thump. Cloud fell down on his side, twitching rapidly.

“You need to stop drinking all that red bull.” Tifa assessed, “It's making you schizophrenic.”

“Its not the red bull!” Cloud wailed, “Its yooooooooooou!”

Twitch. “What. About. Me?” Tifa growled through gritted teeth.

Cloud “Meep”ed at her scary-ness and curled up into a little ball. Not before long, a thick barrier of salt water formed in front of his eyes. Cloud sniffed, trying not to blink so that the tears wouldn't fall and stood up, running out of the room, soft, warm tears streaking down his round face.

“Cloud!” Tifa cried as he raced away. “What is the matter with you?” She whispered as she leaned against the doorframe.

“Find a happy place… find a happy place… find a happy place…” Cloud whimpered as he rocked back and forth. Sitting at the edge of the large pond in Aeries' church, surrounded by flowers, Cloud was indeed in a happy place… physically. As long as things and people he knew and loved surrounded him, Cloud was always in a happy place… but right now, he was mentally NOT in a happy place, this was like… SO friggen unhappy, that if I even began to describe it, you probably would've shit twice and died.

Cloud whimpered, drawing his knees to his face… “Okay.” He said to himself, “Try to keep yourself occupied, Cloud…” Cloud looked around and finally, his eyes came to rest on something, “Knees… spelled with a `K' I've always wondered why knees are spelled with a `k'… without the `k' its just `Nees' with an `N' and that's weird…. Hmmm…. Nees…. Neeeeeeeees…. NeeEEeeEeeeeEEEEeeeeEs. Why so we call them `Nees' anyway, that's so weird… I wonder what would happen if we called bologna “Nees” and nees, “Bologna”… would that be normal? Would we ever ponder that? What would happen if fingers were called Hotdogs and feet were called hamburgers? Would that be considered normal?

… Okay, now, that wasn't necessarily a happy place… that just hurt Cloud's brain.

“Hey.”

“GAH!” Cloud jumped as Vincent plopped down beside him and handed him a beer. Cloud looked as it and shoved it in his mouth, falling backwards as he chugged it.

“Are you scared?” Vincent inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“YEEEEES!!!” Cloud wailed as the alcohol kicked in (Lord knows how fast that shit works).

“You should be.” Vincent grinned, “Cause you're on Scare Tactics!”

“Really?” Cloud beamed happily, sitting up.

“No.” Vincent smiled wider, Cloud fell back down, “But you don't know how long I've wanted to say that.”

“Ah, Meanie.” Cloud whined, “I'm skwood.”

“Yeeeeep.” ^___________^ Big smile and emphasis on the P.

“I'll never get to have fun again…” Cloud continued.

“Thaaaaaat's right.” ~*~*~*^.^~*~*~*~ Sparkly squee smiles.

“And worst of all, Tifa's having the second Sephiroth!” T_T

“Yes, that-“ Vincent blinked twice, “What? What're you on, man?”
Cloud raised the empty beer bottle to Vincent's nose, “Oh.” Vincent shook his ebony tresses, “But, Tifa's smart, she just wouldn't go out and… with Sephiroth?”

“YOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!”

“Meep.” Said Vincent, cowering with fear, “W-what about me?” He chucked nervously with a small smile.

“You scrrwwood TEEEfa, DiDn”T TWO?!!!!” Cloud staggered around, waving the beer bottle to and fro.

“The fuck, man?” Vincent asked.

“yEsssS yOO aRe!!!” Cloud sobbed, hopelessly drunk.

“You had, like one beer! No more alcohol for you!” Vincent shook his head.

“gOOO gEt M3H aNuZzAh beER FUKKaH!!1!!eleventyone!!” Cloud fell down in the flowers with spinny eyes.

“No. No more beer.” Vincent said, “And I would not… with Tifa. Why would you think that? Why would you think she would cheat on you?”

“yOO sUAid sHiiii wUahz SmARtE!”

“… And?”

“WIIn wHuz t3H LaSt TiMe YoooOooOooOOOOOo SawE TEEEEEfa nAWt dUhB?”

Vincent blinked as everything went all squiggly. He was beginning to think Cloud was so drunk that it was beginning to infect him, but then he realized that it was just a flashback.

“Hey Tifa!” Cloud yelling walking into the TV room wearing nothing but a bath tower LOW around his hips, “We ran out of HOT water and I'm all WET and I'm HALF-NAKED. Would you come…” Coughcough, “Heat the water up for me?”

“Shut up Cloud.” Tifa said, “I'm watching The Price Is Right. “

“But, Tifa…” Cloud protested.

“THAT CHINA SET IS SO NOT WORTH FIFTY GRAND!” Tifa jeered at the television, “The fuck are you, fricking POOR? That is not worth more than 10,000 gil!”

“Is it… 15,000 gil?” Asked the chick on the TV.

“Lower, Sadie.” Said the host.

“Is it… 16,000 gil?” Asked the chick.

“Lower, Sadie, that means down.” The host sighed.

“Is it… ONE… MILLION… GIL?” Asked the chick.

“Lower, you idiot.” Spat the host.

“Is it… 15,000 gil?” The chick asked.

“I'm sorry, Sadie. The correct answer was 10,000 gil. Better luck next time… oops, I'm sorry. There won't BE a next time. Cause you LOOOOOSE!!!!”

“Ha HA!” Tifa laughed, clapping once, “I was RIGHT! I WIN!”

“No you don't.” Cloud sobbed, another expensive condom wasted.

“SHEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!” Thump. Cloud fell over, sobbing hysterically as he popped a chaser plus in his mouth, “I'm better.”

“Okay…” Vincent blinked, “Did that like… suck up all the alcohol?”

“No.” Cloud sobbed, “When I drink, I get depressed, but chaser plus makes me happy because all the vitamins in it. But I'm STILL worried… and depressed…”

“Cloud.” Vincent sighed, coking his head to one side, “I was locked in a coffin for thirty-some odd years. I think that I should be the depressed one.”

Whimper.

“Cloud. Tell me what's wrong.” Vincent sighed.

“I don't knoooooooooooooow.” Cloud whined, “Its all this weird shit happening to me! Like the dreams…”

“Well, in case you didn't know… I think that's pretty normal…” Vincent found himself blinking again.

“No, these are WEIRD dreams.”

Vincent inched away, “What kind of weird?”

“I had a dream about Tifa… we had ten kids… and I had three illegitimate daughters like… Cloufie… Aroud… and Cloudieroth…” Cloud explained, twitching at the later.

“Wait… how-?” Vincent sighed, shaking his head, “I'm not even goanna ask. Are you just nervous?”

“I don't know.” Cloud continued to whine… and when a guy whines, its pretty annoying, just like when my sister's boyfriend whines… its like “A huoo a huoo a huoo…” and it just make you want to go and smack them and say-

“QUIT BEING SUCH A PANSY!” Vincent yelled into Cloud's face, “You are a MAN, Cloud! You are NOT a PANSY!”

“But…”

“NO! NO PANSY!” Vincent yelled, “MAN, CLOUD! THINK! WHAT WOULD A MAN DO?”

 

“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot,
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me…” Vincent and Cloud stumbled into the bar, their noses tinted with pink and each holding a near-empty bottle of rum.

“Who you callin' a hoe?” Yuffie asked as the two smiled stupidly and waved their bottles of rum at her before each throwing an arm around her.

“Yaaaaaay! Woo-hoo!” Vincent grinned, “Goooooofie-Yuuuuufie!”

“Heheheheheh… that rhymes…” Cloud laughed.

“What-?” Yuffie blinked, “I'm supposed to be the weird one!”

“Yuuuufie!!!” Cloud grinned, “Yuffie's in da how-WOOSE!”

“YEA-YUH!” Vincent grinned, “SIXTEEN BOT'LES OF RUMMMM!!!”

“You two did NOT drink sixteen bottles of rum, did you?” Tifa asked as she came down from upstairs, her eyes bulging out of her head.

“Maaaaaybeeee.” The two caught Yuffie again and contined to skip around the bar, singing their pirate song… so much for men.

“Heeeeey… Teeeef….” Cloud grinned stupidly, “Let's go upstairs and dry rut!”

“Cloud, you're drunk.” Tifa sighed, agitated, as Vincent screamed something about flowers. She sighed and took the rum away from them.

“The rum!” Cloud and Vincent looked at their hands, “Why is the rum gone?!”

“Because I took it from you, you idiots!” Tifa snapped.

“But why is the rum gone?” The two asked.

“Oh its terrible, isn't it, just terrible, Cloud!” Tifa rolled her eyes.

“WELL IT BLOODY WELL IS NOW!!!” Cloud screamed as he staggered around, Vincent in tears.

End flash foreword.

“Men drink rum, Vincent. Men drink rum.”

“Waaaaah…” Wined the crimson-cloaked man, stumbling over onto Yuffie.

“HEY! HEY!” Yuffie cried, staggering under his weight, “Go fall on the couch or something! Not meeeee!”

“Heh heh…” Vincent grinned, leaning backwards as Yuffie caught him just as he was about to fall.

“Why did you choose me?” She growled. Vincent rested his head on her shoulder in a puppy-like manner.

“Your preeeeety…” He smiled as Yuffie turned the color of a beet.

And everyone was like: O.o WTF!?!?!?!

Vincent buried his pale face in Yuffie's short tresses, “You smell nice.”

“COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!!!” Cloud yelled as he staggered around.

“Are you ON something, OTHER than rum?” Yuffie asked as Vincent leaned on her too much and knocked her over.

“I loooooove yoooou Yuuuuufieeeeee….” He smiled like a lovesick puppy.

“Oh crap.” Yuffie attempted to struggle out from under him, but Vincent had already snuggled up on top of her with this cute little smile on his face. And just letting all that dead weight fall when she got out from under him and letting that poor little puppy get hurt would just be sooooo mean.

“Let's get married.” Vincent grinned. Yuffie twitched.

“WHA- WHA- WHAT?!” She squawked like Kyle's mom.

“I've always liked you, Yuffie. I've just been too shy to say anything.” Vincent rested his head on her shoulder, “I was so sad after my girlfriend died… I used to call her Polka-dot, didja know that?”

Yuffie twitched again.

“But you made me happy when I saw you. You were like a shining sun on my dark, heartless night that was the abyss of my heart…”

“Wow…” Cloud whispered, a weird, far-off look still in his eyes, “Nawt only ish he in luv with… with… Yuf…her… he's a good po… poem… poem-person… also…”

“I always looked at you when I missed Polka-dot or I was angry at Sephi-ross and it make me feel like there was hope.” He closed his amber eyes and cuddled up to her even closer, “Will you marry me, Yuffie?”

At this time, Yuffie didn't even look disturbed… in fact… she looked shocked. She took in a deep breath, “Vincent… Vincent, you're drunk. Don't say these kinds of things!”

“But I love you, Yuffie!” he whimpered, inhaling the scent of her hair, “I loves joo more than anything! Will you marry me?”

Vincent looked at her with those, deprived puppy-dog eyes seeking some sort of refuge from a storm he'd been caught in for the near-entirety of his life. Yuffie felt as if she was the person who the dog had followed home from work and was standing on the porch in the rain, with those cute little eyes begging her to let their owner in.

“Yes… I'll marry you, Vincent.” She whispered.

“YUFFIE!” Cried Tifa, “Yuffie! He's drunk! And marriage is a life-long commitment! Yuffie, he's just saying things!”

“No…” Whispered the girl as Vincent smiled in his sleep, “No, he's not just saying things. He loves me.” She embraced him tightly, “I can tell… and…”

“RAVIOLI!” Cloud screamed. Way to go, Cloud. Ruining such a serious moment, probably the ONLY one in the story.

“I love him, too.” Yuffie blushed as Vincent put his arms around her

“Yummy Vincent…” Yuffie grumbled in her sleep.

“Guhhhh…???” Vincent awoke to the most beautiful view of the ceiling… in the bar… which meant he had slept on the floor… in the bar… which meant he had gotten drunk… in the bar. “What time is it…?” Vincent looked around in a stupor. Even though he didn't have a hangover, he was still discombobulated. “How much rum did I have last night?”

“Sixteen bottles.” Tifa said from somewhere distant, “Or at least that's what you said, right before…” COUGH.COUGH.

Vincent tried to stand up… and he had rolled over in his sleep, causing himself to be weighed down by something. It was only then that Vincent noticed.

“HOW MANY BOTTLES OF RUM DID YOU SAY I HAD LAST NIGHT?!” Vincent yelled as softly as possible, as to not wake Yuffie.

“No no no no no…” Tifa said quickly, “That didn't happen, Vincent. I promise…”

“Then why the hells is Yuffie laying on top of me?” He inquired.

“Well, originally, you were on top.” Tifa said quietly, and then quickly regretted her choice of words.

“WHAT?!” Vincent screamed, standing up, and knocking over Yuffie in the process.

“I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!” Tifa screamed, bright red.

“THEN WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!” Vincent yelled, nearly pulling out his ebony tresses.

“Wellyoukindapouredallyourinnerthoughtsandfeelingsofloveout toYuffieandyoukindafellasleeponherandwedidn'twanttowakeyoubecauseyoutwolook edsocuuuuute!” COUGH.COUGH.

“WHAT?” Vincent was running around the room like a psychopath, Yuffie still curled up, asleep, on the ground.

“Hey Vincent…” Cloud shuffled down the stairs, holding his head, “Boy… do I have a bad hangover… so… when's the wedding?”

“WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?” ; Vincent was on his knees as Cloud smiled smugly.

“You life is spiraling… spirlaling… you got druuuuuuuuunk… you confessed your love to Yuuuuuuufie… you prooooooopooooooossssssed…” Vincent was sobbing at the second cruel, ironic, twist of fate in his life.

“HahaHA!” Cloud grinned, clutching his forehead. “In yo face!” Vincent shot him a look that screamed “bloody murder”. Cloud continued, “How's that for irony, beotch?!”

“I'm giving you ten seconds to run, Cloud.” Vincent said blankly, still on his knees… in the bar. Cloud blinked at him and laughed, his confidence slowly draining from him. “Ten… nine…-“

“Haha! As if you COULD run!”

“-eight… seven…-“

“You drunk just as much as I did, and you have even less of an alcohol tolerance then I do!”

“-six… five…-“

“You've got to have a hangover… right? Right?! Vincent?!”

“-four… three…-“

“Crap… I should start running now, huh?”

“-two… ONE!!!!!!” with a roar, Vincent sprung to his feet and tore after Cloud, who was screaming like a pansy.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Cloud screamed, tripping over random objects; tomato ketchup, pickles, magazines, trashbags, tables, chairs, Barbies, his own feet, etc. “Wouldja clean up every now and then, Tifa?!” he yelled, still running away from an angry Vincent.

“It's not like, I am the one that makes the mess in the first place, Cloud.” She huffed.

“I swear, the Barbie dolls were NOT me!”

“Swear on this!” Tifa grinned, pulling digital photos out of nowhere. Probably out of her shirt, but there's too big a chance they'd get smooshed in there. Tifa flicked the pictures out and let them land on the floor. In each one was a drunken Cloud playing house with Marlene's Barbie dolls. Vincent stopped his attack for a moment.

He looked at the picture in his hand to Cloud, then back again. He looked up evilly, stuffing the nearest pictures in his voluminous cloak.

“Blackmail!” he beamed wickedly, and just as he charged for Cloud, Yuffie latched onto his leg with her arms, still half-asleep.

“Hey, Vincent…” She said sleepily, “You know what they say about guys with really big feet?”

Vincent twitched. Cloud, who was still running, pointed and laughed; eventually running into a wall. Yuffie smiled.

This put Vincent in one of his weird Yuffie-and-Him-Married fantasies… and I don't mean the happily-ever-after kind.

Readers. You may now put your mind in the gutter. Okay! Gutter-time up!

Vincent stared down at her with a glazed over expression. “Y-yah?” he asked in a seductive fantasy-induced whisper. Tifa blinked in the stairway, before quickly running up the steps and slamming her door as loudly as possible. Yuffie smiled up at Vincent, her eyes open, but still asleep. Damn! Pretty convincing, ne?

Vincent then pounced on Yuffie, waking her up all the way, and began kissing her like it was his last day on Earth. “Mmmn?” Yuffie moaned lightly, eyes springing open as she became aware of her surroundings. Her skin tone reddened about ten shades darker, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, letting him pull her under him.

Somewhere in-between where their jaws began moving a mile-a-minute and Yuffie hit the wall, Vincent's tongue found its way into her mouth. It was as if they couldn't stop. Yuffie's head was reared back, due to Vincent coming so violently onto her. He had her hands pinned to the wall, one of his legs bent forewords, the other sticking out backwards, which he used to push himself constantly into Yuffie's face. And she wasn't complaining; her face moved left and right, making it more comfortable for him to kiss her in any way he wanted to.

And as quickly as it had started, it was over. Yuffie was sill pinned against the wall, breathing rapidly. Vincent's breathing was harsh too; he took a quick second to smile at her before Yuffie became impatient and leapt on top of him. She grasped his round face, pushing it against hers as Vincent eagerly kissed back, not missing a beat as his tongue glided over hers and traced the inside of her lips, slowly and gently; Yuffie took this chance to move her tongue under his, slowly drawing it back and repeating several times, as to beacon him in as Vincent's hands explored Yuffie's back, he gently eased to her lower back. When her refusal never came, he moved his hand south. Yuffie was moaning as he pulled her towards him, kneading the extra flesh as he did so. (Oh god, if I weren't fourteen, this would probably turn into a lemon… it might as well.) Suddenly, Yuffie broke away from him, and rolled to his side with a deep sigh, one of her arms spread-eagled over his chest.

“That. Was. Insane.” She gasped. Vincent whimpered, not wanting to remove his hand.

“No, wait…” She smiled devilishly, “You don't have to.”

“Really?” He smiled back.

“YAY!” Yuffie squealed, pulling him up. “Guess what, this isn't just a bar!!! It's a HOTEL, too!”

“Wh-what?!” Vincent blinked.

SHOOM! He was already halfway up the stairs before he could blink. Yuffie smiled back at him.

“Wait.”

Yuffie whimpered. But Vincent picked her up, “We need to take a trip to Rite-Aid.”

“But, doesn't Cloud-?” Yuffie blinked.

“There's other stuff.” And they were out of the front door before you could say:

“Wow, Vincent's responsible... and thoughtful.”

“Can't we just honey?!” Yuffie screamed as they front door hung open.

Slowly, the door to Tifa and Cloud's room creaked open as she cautiously walked down the stairs.

“Is it… okay now?” She whimpered.

Cloud was still on his back, staring at the ceiling, he put his hand out towards her, a notebook in it.

“Would you like some notes? I took a lot.”

Tifa blinked, “Wh- where are they?”

“Rite-Aid.” Cloud beamed, “I have taught him well.”

“But don't you have some-?”

“They want MORE, Tifa. MORE.”

“Ewwe, ewwe, ewwe, ewwe! DO NOT make me think about that!” Tifa hid her face as she pulled at her hair.

“I don't see why they just couldn't use honey… Vincent's not the only one I've gotten to.”

Twitch. Twitch. “But… isn't he like, fifty?!”

“Tifa. Its best not to think about that when you're in love.” Cloud sighed, “And besides, he looks twenty-seven and it's a GOOD thing Yuffie got older.”

“Yeah, `cause then that'd make him a pedophile.” Tifa sighed, shaking her head.

Cloud: That night, my weird fears stopped, with this… sickeningly cute dream that sounds like something a fourteen-year-old otaku that likes to watch mahou soujo and read fluffy fanfiction would write…

Cloud was wondering through Aeries' church, as if he were searching for something. A bright light hit his face and he shied away, putting a single hand in front of his face. Moments later, something soft and warm wrapped around his knees.

When the light was gone, Cloud looked down into the hazel eyes of a little girl, about four years old with dirty-blonde hair. She smiled with front teeth, which had a large, but still adorable, gap in them to him.

“Papa.” She cooed softly. Cloud smiled warmly and knelt down in front of the child, wrapping his arms around her small frame.

When they broke apart, she caressed his face. “I love you so much, Papa.”

“I love you, too.” He smiled, giving her an Eskimo kiss with his nose. The girl giggled.

“Your silly, Papa.” She grinned. And then screwed up her face and began to scream bloody murder.

Cloud awoke with a start, discombobulated as he looked to Tifa, next to him in bed, who sat with a disturbed look on her face. Cloud realized Yuffie screaming had woken him up from his fluffy-teenage-fangirl-like-written dream.

Yuffie was screaming like a crazy person… well, crazier then she was, “OH YES!!! OH GOD, YES!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!”

“Dear lord.” Cloud twitched, “She's bringing her nickname of `Banshee' to a whole new level.”

“And meaning.” Tifa sighed, shaking her head, “The walls are padded, Cloud. With soundproof foam. And they're a level lower than us in the house.

Yuffie screamed: “KYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The door opened and Marlene ran in, jumping on top of Cloud, “Cloud! Cloud! Somebody's trying to kill Aunt Yuffie! But she must be drunk `cause she's happy about it.”

“Nobody's trying to kill her.” Tifa sighed as Denzel walked into the room, a pillow wrapped around his head as Yuffie continued to screamed something about riding her hard, “She's in a happy place.”

“Yeah under- mmph!” Cloud slammed a hand over Denzel's mouth.

“Under what, Tifa?” Marlene asked, curling up next to her.

O.o “Uhh… the blankets….”

“Why's she screaming, though?” Marlene asked.

“She's getting screwed.” Denzel explained, Cloud clapped his hand over the eleven-year-old's mouth.

“Screwed?” The girl asked, not even fully aware of the meaning, accept it meant something bad, “By who?”

“VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Yuffie screamed, her shrill voice nearly breaking the sound barrier as she obviously climaxed.

“Why's Uncle Vincent doing something bad to her?” Marlene inquired, looking horrified, “It sounds like she's in a lot of pain!”

“YES FASTER!!!!!!!! FASTER!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! KYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Screamed the girl from one of the hotel rooms.

“She's playing DDR and Vincent's beating her.” Cloud made up an excuse quickly.

“Oh…” Marlene nodded slowly, “I see… why didn't you just say that in the first place?”

“Ummm…” Cloud and Tifa said in unison.

“Well, we obviously won't be getting any sleep tonight…” Tifa sighed, “Who wants to go to the 24 Hour Super Midgarmart and ride the kiddy horse for the next-” She checked the clock, it was 2 AM, “Four hours?”

“Me.” Said Cloud, jumping out of bed, “I want to get out of this Nuthouse as soon as possible.”

“Welcome to Super Midgarmart. Have a nice day.” Said a teen dully, her face buried in a magazine. Her hair was a long brown that was tied back in a braid. She wore purple and black - including heavy eyeshadow, tights, ribbons, and braclets.

“Now that's an emo!” Cloud whispered over to Tifa, who was holding Denzel's and Marlene's hands. Tifa rolled her eyes in exasperation. Suddenly, a tumbleweed rolled down a random isle, and Marlene's eyes grew to the size of saucers… flying saucers.

“PREEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYY!!!” she screamed, breaking out of Tifa's hand and chasing after it. The other three just kind of stared at her for a moment, then moved on as if nothing happened.

Tifa pulled over to a shiny display of cooking utensils. “Cloud…” she began.

“NO! We do not need-“ Cloud looked over to see what she was talking about. “- OOOOOOOOOHHH! A juicer! Yes, Tifa, we DO need one of those!”

“I was talking about the bottle opener.” She said pointing to a silver one.

“Oh.”

“Should we get a bot-“

“NO! We're getting a juicer and that's final!” Cloud insisted. Tifa beamed and picked up her shiny new juicer - after years and years of being around Cloud, she knew how to get what she wanted AND bother the hell out of him. Together, they walked down a few isles before noticing something.

“Uh… Tifa? Where's Denzel?” Cloud asked, looking around.

“Huh? I thought he was with you!”

“Nuh-uh. You we're holding his hand and then -“

“Then I tricked you into getting that juicer!” Tifa proclaimed.

“Huh?”

“Uh… nevermind. Anyway, we need to find him. Who knows where he might be!” So they departed and Cloud ran down one way, and Tifa the other.

Cloud turned and made a right, then a right, then a right, and then ANOTHER right, and everyone knows that four rights make a wrong, and Cloud ended up where he started. He looked around the store cautiously. Was it getting darker, or was it just him?

He looked to his right. There was toilet bowl cleaner, laundry detergent, soap, Febreeze, scented candles - those might be nice… but at this rate Vincent would probably steal them from him for his own “purposes” - paper towels, and Swifer dusters and vaccums. On the right was bath towels, hampers, soap dispensers, and towel rings. Along with a few ironing boards, shower curtains, and poles.

Cloud approached the poles with interest. He could use one of those…. Or rather, Tifa could. He looked at the red and trans-cal worker orange sticker that raed “curtain rod” on it. Rod or pole, it still seemed wrong. In any case, Cloud removed one from it's rack and clutched it firmly in his hands.

Why? `Cause everyone knows that when your alone at two o'clock in the fucking morning (more literally in SOME peoples cases then others) in a Super Midgarmart, things can be… scary. Cloud considered the self-proposed weapon in his hands. If Cid could do it, he could, right? He stalked out of the isle and crept to the next, looking back and forth repeatedly before darting out to the isle across the way.

Suddenly, Cloud heard the beginnings of a whisper, enough to make the hair on the back of his neck stand up and WHACK! Cloud whirled around and thrusted the pole forward in an upward motion, instantly knocking out his attacker which happened to be- DUN DUN DUN! - an employee. Oops. Cloud backed away slowly, then turned heel and ran through the isles, pole over head.

“Cloud?” Cloud stopped in his tracks when he heard his name being called. He squinted, then turned on his next attacker, brandishing his pole in a slicing fashion. “Ummm… Cloud, are you okay?” Cloud frowned and looked down.

Marlene had never looked so disturbed in her life… so far! And in her hands was a slender pink box and a… tumbleweed? T.T Cloud blinked down at her in confusion, scratching the back of his neck with his pole-free hand.

“I'm, uh, fine. So how's life?” Cloud blurted out.

“……….. Good.” Marlene answered after a while.

“Soooo! What's with the tumbleweed?”

LE GASP! Marlene clutched the tumbleweed tighter to her chest, shooting Cloud a dirty look. “You racist!” she yelled angrily.

“Marlene, do you even know what `racist' means?” Cloud asked critically.

“Well…. No. But that's what papa Barrett calls white people.” She nodded confidently. Cloud put his hand over his forehead.

“HIS name is Weedy!” Marlene continued, nodding towards the tumbleweed. “And he's my friend!”

“How do you know it's a guy tumbl- uh… thing?”

“Because he told me so, duh!” Marlene said as if Cloud was stupid or something.

“Riiight.”

“Anyway! Weedy wants me to get THIS!” she exclaimed holding the pink box in front of her.

“Super duper uber whoretastic Barbie?” Cloud read the label in shock. His critical eye rushed over the mini woman wearing what was almost a bikini bathing suit - complete with loungewear! Quickly, he wiped the Tifa-vision forming in his mind away, and snatched the box from Marlene.

“I don't think so!”

“But whhhyyyy?” Marlene whined.

“Marlene, do you know what a whore is?” Cloud asked.

“… No…” she admitted.

“Didn't think so.” Cloud said with a small smile, clapping a hand on her shoulder and returning the box to its shelf.

“… but Denzel does…” The Barbie display stayed intact for about ten more seconds before the frozen blonde haired man was swimming in them as they crashed from the shelves.

“Denzel!” Tifa cried as she ran over to the boy. He was sitting in the magazine isle, “Sports Illustrated” in his hands. “Denzel!” she said again, sitting beside him as he snapped closed the magazine. “Oh, thank heavens!” Tifa sighed. “We were worried about you! What are you reading?” she asked, cocking her head to the side to read the title. “Sports Illustrated?” she gaze the boy a quizzical glance. “But Denzel, honey, you don't even like sports!” Suddenly, she frowned in suspicion and snatched the magazine from him.

She opened it to the center page and found inside… another magazine. “DENZEL!” she screeched, staring down aghast at the “Playboy Bunny of the Year”. Denzel gulped, then got a devilish smile on his face. She glared up at him.

“What?” she growled.

“I'm going to get away with this.” He said confidently.

“You're an average human boy, Denzel, NOT a Jedi!”

“Not THAT! THIS!” he exclaimed, pulling out another magazine. Tifa's eyes ate the cover. Denzel smiled. “I'm going to get away with this.” He said again. Tifa glared at him.

“Yes, you are! Now GIMMIE!” she said, launching forward and snatching the magazine from his hands. She shot him an evil look.

“I won't tell, and I won't tell.” He smirked, returning to his magazine. Tifa's mouth formed a thin line as she sat down a ways from him and quickly became absorbed in her “Playgirl” magazine.

 

End Chapter Two

Next Time, On “Keep On Rockin' In Midgar”…

 

Cloud: And in the end, history is doomed to repeat itself.

 

Kadaj: When will we get our own place…

 

Yazoo: Find a happy place…