Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Keep On Rockin' In Midgar ❯ Asane No Yume ( Chapter 3 )

Keep On Rockin' In Midgar

 

By Kawaii and Junsui

 

Disclaimer: We do not own Final Fantasy or anything mentioned in this fic… if we did, we'd be rolling around in the money we got from it like a rich assholes we were.

 

Chapter 3:

Asane No Yume

It was Six AM and Yuffie was on her third cigarette. Yuffie needed one, BAD. The last time Yuffie had smoked was when she was offered a joint in the girl's bathroom in middle school. Instead, she'd stolen the whole bag of weed and hot-boxed the principal's office. When the principal had found Yuffie, she offered the elder woman a joint. They had then gotten higher then high together, singing “Puff The Magic Dragon” until they passed out and were found giggling, with the munchies seven hours later by a janitor.

“Heeeey maaaan…” Yuffie giggled, “Let's smoke some dooobies…”

“Cool maaan…” The principal laughed in reply.

Yuffie killed her cigarette in the ashtray and looked around the mess that was the hotel room. Boy, would Tifa be MAD.

The window Vincent had carried her in through was still open, Yuffie's shoes falling off of the ledge, flowing from there was were half-jacket, shirt, Vincent's clothes, with her belt and shorts laying on top in a huge pile. There was a small dent on the wall where he had slammed her up against and the nightstand was knocked out of the way, the lamp broken on the floor, as well as the clock, flashing “12:00” as it had been reset. They had then moved off of the bed, broken the other nightstand, and went on the floor for a while, dented the other wall, and then nearly forced the door off of its hinges, after that they'd used the bed, in fear of annihilating the room… and the bed itself was nearly in tatters. Now that's when it'd gotten fun…

Yuffie grinned and lit another cigarette, wondering how the smell didn't wake up her smexy Vinnie. The raven-tressed man was hogging the covers, curled up away from her with the most damn cute expression on his face as he slept there like a little puppy…

`If Vincent's a puppy, then I'm a kitten- a sex-kitten.' Yuffie grinned and inhaled as much smoke as she could… damn it. It just didn't have the same affect as the frankenweed. She would need about fifty packs of this shit before she could calm down, or at least dull the pain so she could freaking walk. `Crazy bastard… no wonder he knocked up that ugly bitch… she probably couldn't get enough of him.' The brunette giggled and spooned Vincent, resting her head against his, `But now he's mine… too bad for her, cheating slut.' Yuffie frowned slightly, `I can't help but feel bad for Vincent, though. He really did love her. She must've been a great person.' She closed her eyes, `I also can't help but wonder why she was cheating on him… Vincent's GOOD, maybe she became sex-obsessed and was with every guy she saw… yeah… maybe that's it. But she's still a bitch… a bitchy bitchy bitchy bitch bitch, whoretastic bitch. And a meanie, doing that to MY Vinney-cakes…'

Yuffie smiled down at her fiancé, caressing his face with her slender hand, planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. She pulled herself to the corner of the bed, trying to stand up. She wobbled, and propped herself up against the wall. She slipped on a violet bathrobe that hung loosely around her small form. Using this method, she came to the stairs and…. “God damnit!” Yuffie cursed her… What did she curse exactly? Not Vincent, never. Not herself, or her… part. Her legs? It didn't matter really. Yuffie glared at the wooden steps and jumped as something soft brushed against her bare leg. She looked down in surprise as she saw a sleepy kitten that looked like Red XIII.

Smiling, she tried to reach down to pet the kitten. WOAH! Okay, never mind. Appearantly Yuffie would be trapped upstairs for a friggen' week with Vincent… as if that was a bad thing. She whispered down to the kitten.

“Hey! Hey!”

“Mow?”

“Good kitty! Go fetch the paper!” Yuffie smiled enticingly.

“Mow.” The cat ignored her and walked down the stairs, its rump bouncing as it made to each landing.

“Get back here!” Yuffie whispered loudly. “I'm not finished with you!” She grunted a sigh. “FINE!” she huffed. “You go make the morning coffee, see what I care!” She needed more cigarettes. Slowly, she turned back and headed back for the room she and Vincent… claimed? Well, in a way they kind of had. After nearly collapsing five or twenty times, Yuffie stripped out of the bathrobe and crawled back up beside Vincent, who was still sound asleep.

Cigarettes forgotten, she smiled and looked down on his peaceful sleeping form. Guess it takes more out of him than I thought. She smirked. She spooned him, wrapping her arm around his waist, letting her hand drop dangerously low. She smiled to herself as she nuzzled the nape of his neck, his soft raven tresses tickling her face. Within seconds, she was asleep again.

Ow. The light stings. That was the first thing Vincent thought when he gained consciousness. He blinked open his eyes, and quickly shut them again, realizing the morning sun happened to beat straight through the open window. Damn window. He growled in his head, using an arm to prop himself up. He frowned. Hey… this isn't my room… oh yeah… A smile graced his lips as he turned a loving gaze to the woman cuddled up behind him.

Ignoring the window, he rolled over and allowed her hand to brush against him, smirking as it did. Using his arm as a pillow, he used the other to pull her against his toned chest. She loved his chest. She couldn't seem to keep her hands off of it last night. Then again, he could hardly keep his hands of hers.

Burying his face in her hair, he thought back on all that had happened in the past few days. Funny how being drunk can seriously alter your life. Vincent figured that when he and Yuffie had kids of their own, he'd let them drink. Good things happen when you're drunk. Maybe he'd start by poisoning Denzel and Marlene's minds. Ya, that'd be fun. Not like those kids weren't screwed enough already.

“Mow.” Vincent frowned. The hell? “Mow.” The sound came again. Vincent scanned the room for the possible source of the sound, finding nothing - well if you count dented walls, broken lamps, and busted nightstands nothing. “MOW.” Yuffie stirred in her sleep, turning her head so it rested almost between Vincent and the mattress.

“MOW!”

GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING CAT! Vincent swore in his mind, careful not to wake Yuffie. He peered over her to the floor where a mini - Red XIII sat with the morning newspaper at its feet. The cat nudged the paper then looked back at Vincent, and as it turned to leave, Vincent swore it was smiling. He glared as it retreated through the barely open door and gingerly reached over his fiancé to pick up the news. Vincent scooched back against the headboard: sheets draped seductively around his hips, Yuffie's head pushed into his side, her arm hanging across his lap.

He grinned down at her and brushed the stray hair from her eyes before thumbing through the paper. For some reason, ever since he was living on his own, he would always flip to the obituaries first. He didn't really know why he did it; he just knew that he did. He felt better remembering that one of the first things his eighth grade teacher said to her class was that she read to obituaries first thing in the morning just like he did.

After this, he turned to the daily news page. He frowned as he read one head title. “Supposed Cat Murder in Area”? Hoookay… He began to read the article. “Last night many citizens heard what appeared to be a cat screaming in pain. The words “bloody murder” and “bone chilling” were used in witness reports…” Vincent's face turned about ten shades of red as he realized whom the “cat murderer” was as he took out his earplugs from last night.

Suddenly, as Yuffie began to stir, Vincent chuckled at her and slipped his pale arms around her small frame, pulling her up close to him… he had an urge to protect her… she was special and she was his… his little screaming, murdered cat. As Yuffie awoke to Vincent pulling her close, she snuggled up into his chest and sighed. After this, none of the things the teacher in the health class she had been put into after hot boxing the principal's office mattered, or even made sense for that matter.

“Men are pigs!” The woman had screamed to the potential dropout and trouble-making girls, “Never have sex with men until you're married! No matter how nice he is to you, no matter how much you seem to be in `love' the only thing that matters to him is his orgasm, and you're nothing but a tool! A vessel! He does not LOVE you! Men are PIGS! Incapable of love! They will never LOVE you, because after you get married, they will only know that that is the end of their fun and they're screwed for life and you will come to hate you and you'll get divorced and it will be that same cycle over and over again!”

It was more than obvious that the poor health teacher had had some bad experiences with men, and was taking it out on the poor, innocent, dope-heads that were the girls in the special health class for whores and dope-heads and girls with STDs. Stupid health. Why did they need to teach it to you anyway? It wasn't like Yuffie had done anything bad… she'd actually made best friends with the principal and they were still the bestust of buddy-friends until that very day.

But Vincent was different from the other guys. He was a gentleman and revolved around making his girl happy, not about only his needs…but that still didn't mean Yuffie didn't get to make her way with him. Two words: deep throat. And on her first damn try, too! Try having that Lucrecia bitch do that.

“'Morning. You awake?” Vincent inquired, giving her arm a small shake.

“No.” Yuffie grumbled as she slowly shifted in place, brows furrowing slightly. Vincent sniffed a laugh and brushed her hair behind her ear. He let his hand trail down her neck and spine, pulling himself so that his chin rested nearly over her shoulder and his body in a “C” shape, Yuffie cradled inside. He noticed something unusual and lifted some of the hair at the nape of her neck to reveal a tattoo. It was a red and gray star with the kanji symbol for “ninja” written in the center. Two stars flanked either side of the large star, both black.

Vincent raised his eyebrows amusedly. He would never have guessed that his Yuffie would ever get a tattoo. In more amazing to him was that he had managed to miss it just last night when he gave Yuffie a “full body examination”. He licked her cheek gently, causing her to stir. She drew back and gaze him a puzzled stare.

“Time to wake uuuup.” He sung softly, smiling at her indignation. She was like an elementary student who refused to get up and get ready for school.

“I wanna stay here forever.” Yuffie pouted, placing her arms on his broad and well toned chest.

“Forever?” he repeated. “Life would get pretty boring then, wouldn't it?”

“Okay, so maybe not forever.” She admitted. “But at least for a few more hours.” Vincent propped himself up a little to glance over at the alarm clock.

“But honey, it's already eleven.” He explained.

“We can sleep till three.” Yuffie grouched. Vincent shook his head and stroked her cheek.

“I don't think so.” He disagreed. “Come on, let's get up. We can't drag this out much longer.”

“But you're so waaarm!” Yuffie moaned, wrapping her arms as much as she could around her Vincent. He smirked and pretended not to notice her sudden static-cling effect. As he was in the corner, the only way out of the bed was to crawl down and hop over the footboard, or to crawl over Yuffie to the other side of the bed. Vincent of course, choose the later option. He swung himself over Yuffie, giving her a nice shot - all around - and landed softly on the other side.

Yuffie gawked at him, her eyes glazed over. Vincent stood there, nude, as she let her eyes eat him. He raised an eyebrow and grabbed a bathrobe, heading for the bathroom.

“Hey! Hey hey heeeey!” Yuffie called after him, suddenly full of energy. She pulled on her bathrobe and tracked him down. Just as he swung the door closed behind him, Yuffie snuck in, the door closing alarmingly close to her backside. “Don't even think about excluding me!” she grinned mischievously. Vincent turned on her in alarm, before relaxing into the realization of her words. Huzzah for round two!

 

 

Cloud woke up, instantly feeling uncomfortable. He groaned and rolled over, staring sideways at the hard, tile, ground. What?! Ground? Tile? He pulled himself up and saw a curtain rod lying less then a foot away from him. He scratched his head thoughtfully. I don't remember buying that. mp

He took in his surroundings more. About a yard away was Tifa, slued over in a sitting position with Denzel sleeping on her lap and Marlene attached to her arm. She reminded Cloud somehow of a mother cat and her kittens. In Marlene's other hand was a suspiciously familiar pink box. We DEFINITELY did not buy THAT! Cloud thought forcefully.

He glared at Denzel. It was YOU, wasn't it? He accused in his mind. Then Cloud saw the stacks of porno magazines that Denzel clutched in his hands and resting under his head and body. For a moment Cloud pondered over how he could get the magazines away without waking Denzel, and more importantly, Tifa.

Cloud stood up and stretched, then blinked in confusion. Heeey! This ain't my house! Actually, it wasn't even a house. The towhead squinted up at a sign just a little above his head. “Super Midgarmart Isle 7: Toys and Games”. What the hell? They all spent the night at Midgarmart? Just because they're open 24/7 didn't mean that it was okay and entirely legal for workers to allow people to spend the night there. I mean, what store would let potential hobos just live outta their shop?

“What time is it?” Cloud inquired to nobody in particular.

“Clocks aisle twenty-four C.” Came a voice as an old woman dressed in a green smock hobbled by, marking down Barbie's to half-off.

“Do I have to go to aisle twenty-four?” Cloud whined.

“I don't know! I've been in here for the past twenty years! I never want to leave… I don't care what time it is!” Smiled the woman stupidly.

“Creepy-ass chick…” Cloud muttered as he went over to Tifa, prodding her awake, “Tifa… we have to leave… NOW.” Tifa blinked her eyes open slowly, chocolate brown orbs staring at Cloud in confusion.

“Hnn? Why, Baby?” She inquired.

“Or else THAT will happen!” Cloud pointed to the creepy old woman, singing a strange melody as she marked the Barbie's down and down and down…

“That sounds like fun!” Marlene cheered, popping up from sleep as Cloud took the toy away from her and set it up on the highest shelf, “Aww…”

“We might as well just-“ Tifa paused as Denzel awoke slowly, peering through the aisles to the electronics section, “What the-?”

The woman stood and walked quickly towards the electronics section, Cloud and the kids following close behind.

VIOLENT CAT MURDER AT LOCAL BAR/HOTEL SEVENTH HEAVEN. POLICE INVESTIGATE. Was written as the subtitle of the news as a woman with blonde hair reported.

“Late last night, many people reported what was to be a violent, long cat murder in which a cat was slowly and painfully tortured to death.” Said the woman, “Though many say it sounded more human than animal. Most claim that is was a banshee which haunted the bar. Police are currently inves-“ The woman stopped and placed her hand on her ear as she nodded to somebody off-set, “This just in! The violent screaming has began once more, and the police think its too loud to be a cat! They believe it's a woman being violently and brutally tortured to death.”

“Does that mean we have to stay another night here?” Marlene inquired hopefully.

“Crap.” Vincent's super-human hearing had picked up something in the small bar below them.

“What is it?” Yuffie inquired sadly as the shower beat warm water onto her head.

“We're not alone.” He tossed her a towel from outside the shower as he wrapped one around his waist.

“Shit.” Yuffie scowled, clinging the towel above her chest as Vincent craned his head out of the bathroom door, “What's the supposed to mean?”

“Come on.” The ebony-tressed man grabbed his red cloak as he wrapped it around himself and Yuffie.

“Where are we going?” She asked innocently as he carried her towards the still-open window.

“Um… far away. Let's go to a place that's less… populated.” He said, hearing the police come closer.

“You mean to go rut in the woods?” Yuffie asked happily.

“Um, yeah, let's just get going…” He answered slowly. And with a flick of his scarlet cape, they were gone.

“My bologna has a first name, its O-S-C-A-R, my b-“

“WILL YOU SHUT UP, LOZ?!” Kadaj yelled as the silver rental car tore through the streets.

“Okay.” Smiled Loz.

Five…

Four…

Three…

Two…

“ONE MORE TIME!!!” Loz screamed, waving his arms around.

“NO MORE TIMES!” Kadaj and Yazoo screamed back, “Jeez! We'll NEVER find an apartment with YOU around.”

“I'm sorry…”

Blah

Dee

Dar…

“I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE-“

“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?!” Kadaj screamed, snapping on the radio.

“And in latest news, the mystery of the cat murderer is still unsolved. Supposedly, the crime scene has been observed. It appears the cat was stripped of all clothing, thrown against the wall, used to break a table, destroyed a bed, used to break another table, thrown up against another wall, and eventually was used the nearly break the hinges off the door.” Said the voice on the radio, “It is still unknown how large this cat is or why it was wearing women's clothing.”

Yazoo looked pointedly at Kadaj. “I swear! It wasn't me!” Kadaj protested. “I am NOT the cat murder/rapist person.”

“Ya! Why would Kadaj-kun want to kill a cat in women's clothing?” Loz protested from the backseat.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Tick

DING!

“Holy shit!” Kadaj swore, eyes going wide. Yazoo frowned at him.

“Hm?”

“That's a DIFFERENT kind of cat!” Kadaj blinked.

“Ya, it must be HUGE!” Loz beamed. Yazoo shook his head. Had Loz EVER reached puberty?

“I wonder who it is…” Kadaj pondered, dazing off.

WHAM! Something hit the top of the car as the three jumped, looking around.

“Look! A red birdie!” Loz pointed to a red piece of material floating away in the sky.

…

“Um… okay?” Said Kadaj, “Hey look! Is that the place?”

“1433 Sirea Lane- 3 Bedrooms & Bathroom For Rent: $53 A Month Yeah, that's it.” Yazoo nodded reading from the newspaper.

“Yeah, this is 1433 Sirea Lane… says right below “Rainbow Ranch: Not Gay, Just Happy”.” Loz nodded.

Kadaj and Yazoo stared at each other before hitting the gas.

“Where's the next place?” Kadaj inquired.

“Ome State Park: Dark Woods Town Houses.” Yazoo read from the paper, “Rent is Only $100 A Month.”

“Great!” Kadaj nodded.

The guy at the office was dressed in a black dress shirt with a noose around his neck as well as a pair of bloodstained jeans. His face was covered in white make-up with black eyeliner, and he was holding a little girl who looked exactly like him… accept for the fact her eyes were completely black and she was holding a headless doll.

Kadaj and Yazoo sat, petrified in their seats. Loz smiled.

“So… about rent…” Said Kadaj slowly.

“$100 a month… plus your SOUL.”

“O-kay then. We'll be going.”

“Where's the next one?” Kadaj asked, looking horrified.

“Dove Acres Apartments. Sound innocent enough.” Yazoo shrugged.

“Yes, its wonderful here.” Smiled the woman as she held up an umbrella. Everywhere, everything was WHITE. Accept for they gray pigeons that occasionally flew overhead to take a large dump.

“Dove Acres- NO.” Yazoo said, scratching off the name, “And next is: Xymed Avenue. Three bedroom home for rent w/ pool and fountains, 222 sinks, 6 bathrooms, and 19 showers.”

“19 showers with only 6 bathrooms?” Kadaj asked, glancing over at the paper.

“That's what it says.” Yazoo shrugged. “Also includes an indoor koi pond. Great plumbing! Hmm, might as well go and see.”

“Hi! Welcome to Xymed Avenue!” a cheerful man with brownish blonde hair said. He smiled and pulled out a flyer on the requested house. “Let's go take a peek, eh?” The three silver haired men shrugged at each other - or rather, Yazoo and Kadaj did, Loz was trying to snorkel in a pond - and walked with the cheerful man to the requested house.

“This one's for rent! Only $99.99 a month!” the man beamed. Kadaj glared at him.

“Why the hell don't you just make it a flat 100?” he grumbled.

“'Cause that's not as fun!” the man beamed back stupidly. There was a splash and Yazoo and Kadaj looked to the source of the sound. Loz sat in the large koi pond, screaming.

“Help! Help! Heeeeeeeeeeeelp! I'm drowni- FISHIE!!!” he plucked a koi from the pond and waved it at his brothers. “Lookie lookie! I gotz a fishie!”

“That's wonderful Loz.” Kadaj grumped as he dragged the older boy back to the car.

“Hoookay. Appearantly not that one.” Yazoo sighed, scratching yet another house off the list.

“At least he didn't run through the house and turn ALL 222 sinks on!” Kadaj moaned, rubbing his temple. Loz's eyes got big.

“Oooooooooo! That sounds fuuun!” he cried, trying to get out of the car.

“Thank God for child-lock!” Kadaj cried. “Next?”

“Guest House At Rural Estate, 20 min. Drive to Edge. Come with 2 twin beds, couch, TV, full bed, loft, bathroom, & kitchenette $200 a month sounds steep, but worth it.” Yazoo sighed, “Let's go.”

“I GET THE LOFT! I GET THE LOFT!” Loz cried from up in the loft as he bounced around like a monkey. The loft came with the full bed, but Kadaj and Yazoo were willing to sleep in the twin beds if it meant staying far away from Loz.

“Its nice out here.” Kadaj sighed as he went out onto the back porch where the woman attempting to rent out the Guest House was. She smiled politely at him.

“Yes it is.” She agreed softly, “It's always very quiet and there is nobody out here to disturb us. But there may be some minor construction in the next few weeks; somebody just bought the land next to ours. “

“That's okay.” Kadaj smiled, “As long as we don't make to pay with our souls.”

“What?” The woman asked, looking bewildered.

“N-nevermind.” Kadaj shook his head, “So where's the contract?”

“Right here.” Smiled the woman. Kadaj consulted Yazoo and Loz briefly (Loz more briefly that Yazoo) and signed the contract.

“I hope you enjoy it here!” Beamed the woman as they began to unpack, and then-

“DEAR GOD, VINCENT! YOU'RE FREAKING CRAZY!”

O.o “The fuck was that?!” Kadaj asked.

“Oh!” ^_^ Smiled the woman, “It must be the new neighbors that bought the land next to ours! A young man came and bought the land a few weeks ago to build a house on… what was his name… Vincent?”

“KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!̶ 1;

^_^ “I think his new girlfriend is moving in with him.”

O.o “Whatever made you think THAT?” Yazoo spat sarcastically.

A couple of minutes later, Yuffie trudged out of the bushed, Vincent's cloak wrapped around her, “Hey! Do you have any honey?”

“GO AWAY!” Kadaj yelled.

“Of coarse dear!” Smiled the woman and came out of the house with a small container of honey, “And remember to wear a condom!”

^_^ “Okay! Thanks Principal!” Yuffie smiled and traipsed back into the bushes.

“Lets. Go. NOW!” Kadaj said through gritted teeth. The three bolted from the house, but not before Kadaj ripped up the contract.

Kadaj sat twitching in the driver's seat, causing the car to jolt every few seconds. Yazoo read off the next residence: Rewolf Rewop Ct. Yazoo turned to Kadaj. “What the hell is up with THAT name?” he cocked an eyebrow.

“Don't know, don't care.” Kadaj shook.

“Like, heeelllo!” a man with pink hair greeted them, wearing a silver, black, and pink pinstripe business suit. “Are you guys here to buy the house? Like, oh me God, I can't wait to show you!” He dragged the three off to the house.

The houses were all uniform with little pink and white shutters and various pastel colored trims that resembled Barbie playhouses. Loz couldn't wait to move in. Besides for that, there was something strange.

“Uhh… where are all the women?” Kadaj asked looking around. The pink haired man shot him a dirty look.

“Why? What do you need them for?” Kadaj sweatdropped.

“Riiight. Cya!” He tried to run, but the man grabbed his wrist.

“Oh, but I can't let such a HANDSOME man such as yourself just go.” He purred. Kadaj twitched violently.

“I… think… I'm having… a heart-… attack!” he wheezed.

“Oh, so am I, darling, so am I!” pink man replied suggestively. Yazoo chose this time to interfere, rescuing Kadaj from the man and dragging Loz back to the car with them.

“Bye bye, faggy man!” Loz beamed, waving a hand and throwing flowers about.

“And here we have the sexual torture chambers-“

“Through this window, you can get a good view of the cemetery.”

“Okay! Triva time! This house used to be a whore house!”

“CHICKEN DANCE TIME!”

“What crack under the sink?”

“And this is where the mortician used to cut up the bodies!”

“This is where the orgies were!”

“I like potatoes…”

“Would you like a roast-beef sandwich?”

“i”M sEeIn pReTtY kUlErZ!!!”

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!” Kadaj screamed, they'd went through EVERY house on the ENTIRE damn list! First it was the gay ranch, then the soulless emo community, and then bird shit world, water world, the love shack, gaytopia, the creepy playboy mansion, the house behind a cemetery, the whore house, the crazy chicken farm, the house with a bunch of crack, the old funeral home, the humping sex house, the one with mushrooms growing in the ceiling, the one that turned out to be a sandwich shop, and another crack house.

“We'll never find a place to stay!” Kadaj screamed, pulling at his hair.

“'Apartment Complex Of Ultimate Evil.'” Loz read from a sign on the side of a building, “'Now Leasing At Low Prices!'”

Kadaj and Yazoo looked at each other, “STOP THE CAR!”

“Go my minions…GO!” Screamed a man with a pointed, snake-like face as a bunch of people wearing masks took off out of the office, “Hello there.” He smiled sadistically at the three silver-haired men.

“Minions… this sounds interesting.” Kadaj smiled as he sat down. A little girl dressed in a white kimono walked past him, giving him a creepy look with blank eyes of black opal before continuing on.

“Yes, its wonderful here, isn't it?” Asked the man as a woman in a skimpy, red dress handed him a cup of coffee.

“I'm not really bad…” She said as she walked away, “I'm just drawn that way.”

Loz smiled and rocked in his seat. The snake-like man frowned. “Oh, it seems you have a “Stupid Lackey”â„¢. We have a special place for them.”

“OH THANK GOD!” Yazoo let out a breath as the man stood up, “Come, I will show you.”

He showed them out of the office and into a giant hall where stupid lackeys were being… well, stupid. A stout, balding man sat in a corner rocking back and forth. A small child ran into a wall over and over and over again, laughing about butterflies. A green… toad… thing hit the wall with a wooden staff. A teen with pepper-gray hair laughed constantly as chewed a rubber steak. “NARF!” Said a white mouse as it ran in circles. A girl with a blonde braid cackled as she stole some cookies from a cookie jar and ran into the wall.

“Seems perfect for him.” Kadaj sighed as they left the man, screaming about butterflies and doughnuts with the young boy.

“Yes, and if you come out here you'll see-“ The snake-like man stopped in mid-sentence, his face clouding with anger. At the edge of the apartment complex, several teenagers dressed in ebony robes were doing graffiti on a brick wall, it had a crude snake-like caricature of the man with a paddle with writing next to it reading “I AM LORD MOLDY SHORTS- SPANK ME HARD!”

“YOU GODDAMN KIDS!!!” Screamed the man, whipping out a long wand and running towards the kids as they laughed and ran off, “DIE BITCHES!” He yelled, shooting green sparks at them. After they were gone, he grumbled and cleaned off the wall, before composing himself and clearing his throat, “Shall we go on, then?”

“So… do you have a pool?” Yazoo asked slowly.

“Yes, and with special child locks for the idiot minions.” Nodded Lord Vo- Copyright Infringement.

“I think I'm in somewhere south of heaven.” Kadaj grinned blankly.

“We'd like you to know that if anything like this happens again, we'll have to shut you down.” The police officer said to Tifa as the woman sighed and nodded, signing the paperwork.

“I would think our… er… guests would've been more considerate as to not… murder a cat.” Tifa cleared her throat.

“Oh. That's just a cover-up.” The police officer rolled his eyes, “The brutal murder of a cat is WAY less disturbing to the public than loud sex.”

“I… um… okay, whatever you say.” The woman shrugged.

“Just try to keep the lovebird teens away from here is all we ask.” The officer tipped his hat as he trotted out of the bar, Denzel flipping him off behind his back.

“Tifa…” Said Marlene quietly, “What's seeeeeexxxx?”

“When a stork drops a baby out of the sky.” Tifa said, not even looking at Marlene as she slumped over.

“I always thought babies came from a cabbage patch.” Cloud commented lightly.

“No cloud, they come from Denver.” Tifa rolled her eyes.

“I'm confused.” Marlene blinked.

“Tell you what.” Tifa sighed, “You ask when you're ten and we can talk about it then.”

“Why then?” Marlene inquired.

“Because you're already messed up enough, sweetie.” Tifa patted the girl lightly on the head before slumping over and hobbling slowly up the stairs.

Once she and Cloud were gone, Marlene turned to Denzel.

“I'll give you five gil if you tell me.” She blinked.

“But haven't we been using dollars throughout this fanfiction?” Denzel inquired, quite out of character.

“… do you want the money or not?” Marlene glared at him.

“Okay, let me get some Magazines.”

“Denzel?”
“Yes?”

“Babies come from mommies, right?”
“Uh-huh.”

“Not the stork?”

“Nope.”

“Not a cabbage patch?”
“No.”

“Not Denver?”

“… well, maybe there. But more or less that's where all the STD's come from.”

“STD's?”

“… maybe you should wait until you're ten.”

“But… but…”

“Tifa's right, you're fucked up enough as it is.”

“… what's fucked?”

“You are. Now go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Smiled the girl, skipping up the stairs. She dressed into her My Little Pony nightshirt and brushed her teeth with Berry-Flavored My Little Pony toothpaste and her My Little Pony Toothbrush. She then put on her My Little Pony slippers and went into Tifa and Cloud's room.

Cloud was sitting on the bed in a pair of gray sweatpants, watching football with a retarded stare on his face.

“Cloud?”

“Mumana?”

“Are you alive?”

“Bedaputa…”

“…”

The girl went into the, bathroom where Tifa was brushing her hair.

“Hey, Tifa?”

“Yes, sweetie.”

“Denzel says I'm fucked.”

“… Anything else?”

“No. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

On her way out of the bathroom, Marlene climbed up onto the bed and kissed Cloud's cheek as he grumbled, still ensnared within the TV.

She then walked into her room, got under her covers, and closed her eyes where she dreamt of a Cabbage Patch in Denver with Storks flying overhead.

“Hey, Yuffie?” The two were sitting outside, under the coruscating light of the lustrous moon, curled up at the base of an old redwood tree. Staring into the ebony, velvet oblivion that was the night sky. Dotted with small bits of light that represented life somewhere else.

“Yea?” Yuffie looked up, pulling the scarlet cloak up to her nose to protect herself from the cold.

“Can I ask you a question?” Vincent inquired, yanking some of the cloak onto him… Yuffie was such a sheet hog.

“Hmm?” She replied in a hum.

“Where do you live?” Vincent looked to the younger girl.

“…” Yuffie blinked, “Um… here and there… where do YOU live?”

“… here and there, as well.” He replied, looking up to the sky as she cuddled up to his chest.

“Hey, Vincent?” She addressed him softly.

“Yeah?” He looked to her briefly.

“Let's be together forever, Okies?” She beamed.

GLOMP!

“Okay.” He smiled, “But the problem is… um… we don't have a house.”

“We can build one here!” Yuffie cried enthusiastically.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Long Pause.

“Do you know how to build a house?”

“No.” She beamed.

“Um… okay.”

“Let's make other people build it for us!”

“That sounds good.”

“YAY!” She squeed, “So that means we can… all the time cause nobody's all the way out here accept for Principal-sama! And she has too much brain damage to even know what's going on.”

“Hey, Vincent?”

“Yes?”

“Wanna go again?”

“Aren't you TIRED?”

“No, not really.”

“Go to bed, Yuffie!”

“Whyyyyyyy?” She whined.

“Because the author is too lazy to even write detail after the short, one-word sentences, let alone a lemon!” He sighed, “Now go to bed.”

“Pleeeeeeaseeeeeee?”

“In the morning, Yuffie.”

“Damn it.”

Silence.

“Vincent, honey.”

“I'm asleep, Yuffie.”

“Let's have a kid.”

“Something's telling me that's gonna happen whether we plan for it or not.” Vincent moaned.

“Damn straight!”

“GO-TO-BED.”

“But I don't want tooooooooo!!!”

“Yuffie, before last night, when was the last time you slept?”

“Today's Sunday, right?”
“Right.”

“And what year is it?”

He stormed into the city, without will or word, his eyes narrowed in anger. The bitch had left him… she'd left him for nothing more than dealing a good punch to her. Women needed to learn their place, that little skank couldn't prance about acting like some ninja while he was around.

“Yuffie…” He whispered coldly, his knuckles cracking.

Oh yeah, and this dude wasn't Vincent.

ZOMG CLIFFHANGER!!! END CHAPTER THWEEE!!!!