Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Purgatory ❯ I Don't Want You ( Chapter 8 )

Don't you ever worry

About everything you're not.

Well, I've been fine this whole time

Here in your afterthought.

--Common Rotation

Time is one of the great constants of the universe or at least that's what we're led to believe. A man's life can be measured on how much time he's spent on things that either enrich or frivolously waste that time given. What possessed man to mark the hours of the day? To separate out each individual moment and give them numbers--is it merely an attempt to make something intangible less amorphous, a way to explain the unknown? Or is it far more mundane than that? We soldier forward regardless of numbers, weaving our way through the ripples of time until our life ends and time has no meaning. By the time death takes us, you have to wonder, did time really have any meaning to begin with?

It's interesting to note how constant we feel time is. We depend on it. To get us to where we need to go. Being on time is so important. We all live by the clock on the wall. It keeps us on task and there are some who wouldn't know what to do without it. That clock makes time tangible for us, and we all walk the constant turning of its numbers. Never questioning how constant time really is.

A week can pass in the blink of an eye when one enjoys the time spent and that same week can creep by at a snail's pace when one isn't having such a good time. The hands of the clock tell a different tale. It shows bluntly exactly how much time has passed but it's not in the exact measurement that man truly experiences time. Time is a relative thing. The truth lies in the one that tells the tale. The one who feels time's passing. The abstract counting of minutes mean nothing. The sun still shines and when it's done, the moon takes its place. The tide ebbs and flows. All the earth moves in rhythm with time, and no number can ever measure that. Only the one experiencing a given moment can accurately represent the faithful minutes that tick away their lives.

In time's honest measurement it had been five weeks, four days, six hours, fourteen minutes, and fifty-eight seconds since Aeris had awoke on the altar in the bowels of the ancient city. But it seemed much, much longer than that to her. Time, in her estimation, had come to a complete, grinding stop and she mused that perhaps she was trapped in some kind of bizarre between world. Where present, past and future all collided together. Leaving her trapped in this limbo to contemplate her life's mistakes. Or it could just be the overwhelming boredom of being in a city with nothing to do but think. There wasn't even anyone for her to talk to. Well, there was Sephiroth but he was hardly what she'd call good company. Plus, she doubted they'd have anything to talk about anyway.

Aeris was a naturally gregarious person, who loved the colorful banter of human interaction. She thrived on companionship. Without it, she found that getting up each morning was quite hard. Some days she contemplated just spending the whole day in bed but this was no to be. The thought was tempting, but such recumbence made her feel slothful and to Aeris, there was nothing worse than being lazy. She was a bit of a busy body, after all. There was a love of activity that was ingrained, making it impossible for her to sit still. It wasn't her fault the world was such an interesting place.

So despite her boredom, Aeris got up every morning at the crack of dawn and tried to find things to do. Right now, she didn't feel like doing anything. She was tired, bored and just wished that the planet would tell her what in the world it wanted with her. Because the waiting was going to drive her mad. The sun filtered in through the window, blinding her with bright late summer rays. Tinting the room with lemon colored light, soft and inexplicably pure. Aeris made a strangled grunt and turned over, covering her head with her blankets. She pushed away the urge to just get up. What was the point, anyway? She wondered if she'd been sent here to do anything at all. Maybe there had been no point to this mission. Maybe it was some sort of sick, cosmic joke that everyone else got but her. In her mind she tried to think back, doing a bit of mental accounting as she tried to figure out how things lead to this. Maybe she just missed the sign and if she thought hard enough, it'd reveal itself to her. So she pondered over the weeks of waiting and boredom. A mostly pointless exercise, but what else did she have to do?

The first night she'd spent in the Ancient City with her unlikely guardian had been a long one. Long and sleepless. They had settled themselves in the same shell house she'd spent her last night on earth in...the first time she died. She'd never had a terribly dark streak, but the statement brought with it a particular brand of morbid humor that she could appreciate and even laugh at. The joke was made funnier by the fact that she was spending the remainder of the night with the man who'd killed her. At the time she remembered having to suppress a hysterical giggle fit at the thought.

Neither of them had particularly wanted to sleep in the same house, much less the same room. Aeris cursed her ancestors for their open nature that didn't allow for personal privacy. There were no formal bedrooms. There was a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom and a communal bedroom. She supposed if she'd been amongst friends it wouldn't have been so bad. It probably wouldn't be that bad at all. But with him...that was another story. The very idea of lying down in the same room with her murderer and sleeping...Yeah, she quivered with anticipation and predicted that she'd get little in the way of actual rest.

She knew very well she'd be more comfortable if he was somewhere else and she was sure he felt the same. But the planet had insisted. Pointing out to her with literally painful clarity that her guardian was to remain with her at all times, for her own safety. She could laugh herself into a stupor at the irony but for the fact that the planet had insisted loudly. So loud that its voice had reverberated uncomfortably in her skull, giving her a viciously painful headache. It was an uncharacteristic bit of punishment and for the most part, accidental, but one that she agreed, though only to herself, that she deserved. Breaking her promise to accept her duty with grace before even beginning to fulfill it.

She was mildly surprised to learn that the planet had told Sephiroth the same thing. The only reason she knew was that the planet had deigned to tell her. Though she was peevishly annoyed that he didn't seem to be suffering from a headache as she was or maybe he was and he was just hiding his pain like before. She wondered what he thought of the arrangement and thought to ask him, but something held her back. There was still an amount of fear that she held onto but she was less afraid of him now than she was an hour ago. Still, the coldly taciturn nature of the man was off-putting and the idea of striking up a conversation with him ranked right up there with willingly sticking her hand into a wood chipper.

Whether or not he agreed with the planet would be one of the great-unsolved mysteries of her time. That's the way she liked to think about it anyway. He hadn't commented on it and she'd be damned if she'd ask. The man obviously preferred to obey with quiet acceptance. He let her pick out a bed, making no motion to decide on his own. Remaining aloof and quiet, he stood in the corner of the room, his head turned away from her. Like he was purposely avoiding her gaze. She bustled about readying her bed and still he moved not a muscle. Just standing there with the same blank look on his face.

Wasn't he tired? After all, he'd clearly had some sort of adventure for his hands to be injured like that. It looked like he'd gone three rounds with a wall of ferociously vicious mud. Both of them were sopping wet, but he was wet and dirty. His light gray clothes stained an ugly brown, long streaks of it were splattered all over him from top to bottom. Even his hair was still somewhat caked with it. He even looked a little tired, not that she was staring but...Nervously, she summoned enough courage to ask if he might be sleeping anytime soon. He shrugged, mumbling in a low voice that he didn't need much sleep.

She remembered the information Avalanche had gathered on him. The scientific data stating that he needed little or no sleep to survive. Jenova's cells gave him a font of limitless energy, but the Crisis was dead. Aeris wondered how much of what he said was true. He said he needed no sleep, but it looked to her that he did. She was a healer, trained to recognize fatigue in her patients. Narrowing her eyes, she studied him and found that he did indeed need rest. Why in the world would he say otherwise? It was so blatantly obvious that he was lying but it was beyond her capacity to care why. Fidgeting under her gaze, as if he knew that she knew, he promptly exited soon after. She waited to hear the door slam, and she was greeted with blessed silence. So he hadn't left but he wasn't comfortable enough to sleep in the same room as her. There was a mild sense of relief that flooded her but there was also quite a bit of confusion. She had more of a reason to fear him than he did her. Not like she had a history of violently psychotic outbursts. Aeris shrugged, who was she to try and fathom Sephiroth.

She'd quickly finished up making her bed and was happily surprised to find that her pack with all her things was still there. Even better, that the planet had organized some kind of miracle and provided a change of clothes for her...and her guardian, along with a small store of rations that would last them the better part of two weeks. It was a meager gift but she was grateful for it. She quickly stripped down to bare skin, divesting herself of her wet clothes with a contented sigh.

The planet had provided her with standard heavenly garb, an almost exact copy of the dress she'd worn in heaven. Holding up the garment, she gave it a cursory once over. It was a long periwinkle colored dress with a mandarin collar and the overly long sleeves that were typical of most heavenly apparel. Two long slits also ran up the sides of the dress, another small marker that graced all heavenly designs.

The dress itself was made of silk, insulated with thick paneling on the inside of the garment for warmth. The sleeves and the front of the dress were decorated by delicate floral embroidery that reminded Aeris of her cherry orchard...the one she dreamed of in the lifestream. With a small smile, she traced a finger over the embroidery's fine edge. She had nothing but admiration for the craftsmanship put into the garment. They'd no doubt made this for her specifically. With the dress came a pair of simple heavy silk pants, as well as a long camisole and a change of underwear. All of which she was eternally grateful for, as the temperatures this far north were terribly cold.  The real prize was the planet's last gift. Four pair of nearly new cotton socks and a new pair of heavy boots to replace her now sodden slippers.

She let her hair down before getting dressed. There was a brief wish that she had a towel to dry it with but such things couldn't be helped. She'd just have to make do. Wringing the water from her hair, she suppressed a twinge of guilt for dripping water all over the place. Leaving puddles on the floor had been one of her pet peeves when she still lived in Midgar. She had always been a bit of a neat freak. Again, there was little she could do about it, at least right now.

From one of the outside pockets on her pack she pulled her comb and began to work out the tangled knots in her hair. She grimaced as she pulled at the first knot, remembering her wish in the Promised Land. Ironic how just brushing her hair suddenly lost the charm and appeal she'd believed it to be in heaven. She wrestled with the arduous job until she was satisfied enough to put the comb down and move on to other tasks.

Leaving her long tresses free flowing down her back, she slipped into her new clothes. Glad for the warmth they provided, glad to just be dry period. Though she was a bit annoyed that her hair had managed to dampen the back of her dress. She let it go, grabbing a pair of socks and slipping them onto her feet. They were deliciously warm and she wiggled her toes in them to savor the sensation. It was always the little things that brought the most pleasure. At least, that was her view.

Aeris sat down on the side of the bed with a heavy thump. Looking at the neatly folded clothes that belonged to Sephiroth or at least that was her guess. To confirm her suspicions, she pulled out the tunic that lay on the top of the pile. Holding it up to her chest, she noted with a frown that it was bigger than anything she'd be able to fit into. Without a doubt, it belonged to her guardian.

Shuffling her feet, she knew that she should bring them to him. He was as wet and miserable as she, even more so. The clothes he wore now were quite possibly ruined. Instead, she sat on the bed and bit her lip, examining the tunic as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Cocking her head, she noted blandly that it was incredibly similar in design to her own clothes. The tunic was about half the length of her dress by her estimations, reaching to around mid-knee, rather than the floor as her dress did. It also had a high mandarin style collar, though instead of the delicately beaded clasps that she had, his were made of simple braided cord. Both tunic and the pants that went with it were made of a basic cotton fabric. Rubbing it between her fingers, she was dissatisfied that it wasn't of the best quality. It was good enough to keep the one who wore it warm but it wasn't particularly the most comfortable weave.

Everything about it was so simple. In the back of her mind she wondered if it was because the man who wore them was simple or that the planet didn't care about him as much. She was undecided as to which it might be. Not really knowing the planet's feelings, much less Sephiroth's. Everything about the clothes was plain, dull. There was no decoration, not even the smallest detail to give the garment character. She wasn't a fashionista, but she believed that showing personality through clothing choice was an important factor in one's self worth. That's why she'd always gone out of her way to wear cheerful clothes in bright, summer colors. In the murky dark of Midgar it had been so tempting to blend in. To wear darkly somber clothes to match the ever present gloom of the city. She'd chosen to go against the grain. To be a light in the darkness. It gave her confidence, in herself and in humanity's ability to change their ways. 

These clothes were generic in everyway. They might as well have been a fast food uniform or the one size fits all jumpsuits prisoners wore. Everything was drab, even the color. The tunic was a light gray, as were the pants. It saddened her a little that she got a garment that was made with loving care. That had been labored over and made just for her...and he got...this. She held it up with disgust. It wouldn't even look good on him.

Aeris shook her head, coming to the realization that she was just being silly. Stalling for time because she didn't really want to see him so soon. She'd just sort of adjusted to her new reality. It was one thing to think of Sephiroth in the figurative sense. His name a noun like any other noun, it was just another word to describe a concept.  Put that concept into practice...to place a name with a face and the rules changed. To have to face that reality, the reality that was Sephiroth...that he was her guardian. That was something else all together. She wanted to stay up here, where he was not and pretend that she was alone, or waiting for her friends. Any little rambling daydream would do to keep reality at bay but the truth was she would have to get used to having him around. He wasn't going to go away just because she pretended that he did...or that she really wanted him to.

"You're being stupid, Aeris."

Gathering up his clothes, she was careful not to disturb the neatly folded bundle more than she already had. Afraid that she might come across more intimate apparel, and the minute that thought crossed her mind, she had trouble purging it from her brain. Somehow, she managed and she quietly began to pull her things from the pack, laying them neatly on her bed until all that was left were her guardian's clothing. Dividing up the rations equally, she put his share in the pack along with her packet of herbal shampoo. It was a dry shampoo, made with ground peach pits, rose hips and finely ground oatmeal. With no shelf life, she had every confidence that it was still good. He'd probably have to go to the lake and wash the clumps of mud out and in a way it rendered her gift useless. Still, he could get some use out of it. She lay this all on top of his clothes and pulled the bag closed.

Satisfied that she had everything in order, she shouldered the pack. Underneath the bed were his traveling boots, sitting right next to her own in a neat little row. She grabbed them before exiting the bedroom by way of the small staircase. Taking a very deep breath, she walked down the stairs; staring at her feet as they moved from step to step as if afraid she might miss one and tumble to the ground. She tried so hard to keep herself from feeling this nervous. Her stomach twisted itself into knots, in blatant scorn of her wish that it would do otherwise. She could feel the shakiness in her legs, her palms sweating so profusely like it was going out of style and the way she kept pressing her lips together. Raking her teeth over her lips as she bit them. She chided herself, knowing that such activity would just lead to chapping but it was useless.

Aeris swallowed hard, desperately trying to wet her dry throat. Was it hot in here? She shook her head, determined to not be afraid. Her foot hit the last step and she slowly lifted her head to scan the second floor, breath hitching when she saw him. Immediately, her heart began to beat faster. Fluttering with the scattered pounding of fear that came unbidden in his presence. It was so hard for her to look at him and not feel that way. Her mind could command all it wanted but her body knew otherwise. Would she ever be able to look at him and not see the moment he fell from above like some kind of demented angel? "Probably not," was her mind's bitter reply. Unless by some act of God the memory was struck from her.

He was kneeling by the fireplace, carefully coaxing a rather cheery fire to life. Aeris wasn't sure he heard her and coughed lightly to draw his attention. He lifted his head, turning slightly before standing up with painful slowness. Aeris watched him carefully, holding onto her pack so hard that her knuckles turned white. Though he stood, he made no sound or gesture that vaguely hinted he knew she was there. He didn't look at her, his gaze shifted to the fire and he propped a hand against the mantle as he stared into it. She stood there for several minutes, staring at him while he stared at the fire with dull apathy. The light flickered over his face and what should have leant a warm glow to his features only served to heighten their coldness. She coughed more loudly this time, and the sound would have been comical had the circumstances not been so strained. Again, he didn't acknowledge her. His eyes firmly focused on the fire, an outright refusal to stray away from it to look at her. He blinked languidly, as if in deep thought and Aeris worried then if she was disturbing him. "Best to get it over with," She thought to herself, thinking she was very brave for doing so.

Quietly, she spoke up, "Um...I don't mean to bother you but...I found a change of clothes for you. And some food...." She trailed off, expecting now that he'd respond to her since it was obvious that he knew she was there.

There was no reaction. Not a muscle twitched. Not a sound was heard. Nothing but deafening silence met her words. His eyes reflected the firelight as he studied it and for a moment, it looked less like the reflection of the cheery hearth fire and more like the smoking ruins of Nibelheim. As if the town eternally burned behind those eyes. She suddenly wished very much that he'd say something. Anything. He could tell her to go away, to leave him alone. Even if it was an insult or just a grunt, anything was better now than this silence. When he was quiet, her mind was allowed to meander, to imagine things like that. Things that reminded her of who he once was and who she feared he still might be. It all made her more nervous and afraid than she was before. She found herself fighting tears again and it was only with sheer determination and a very deep breath that she managed not to cry. Quickly, she shuffled over to him and set the pack down as close as she dared to get. Which was around a foot away from him. Again, she praised herself for her bravery. He didn't acknowledge her movement. She wasn't surprised.

"Um...T-there's some shampoo...Nah-n-not that you're...dirty....or...but I thought." She paused, wringing her hands as she spoke, her legs shaking the entire time, "The plumbing doesn't work anymore...at least, I don't think it does. So you'll have to use the lake to get out most of the mud....but um...the shampoo, you don't really need water for...so....There aren't any towels anyway....So I guess it's up to you to decide if you want to take a bath...and uh...you can leave your old clothes here. I'll see what I can do about cleaning them...not tonight, obviously...but later this afternoon...maybe..."

No reaction. He stood there, statue like. It only made her more nervous. She'd never known silence to be so threatening. Kicking herself for being so timid, she probably sounded like such an idiot. Rambling away like some frightened junior high school girl. She'd always hated her tendency to babble when nervous but he wasn't making it easy for her. It was clear he had no interest in conversation. Neither did she really but at the very least she was willing to attempt civility. Rather than being angered at this revelation, she was relieved but his apparent nonchalance in acknowledging her in any way was nerve-wracking and rude.  It did mean that she wouldn't have to spend much time with him in uncomfortable conversation but the uncomfortable silence was in many ways much worse. They had to work together. This meant that a minimum of work related chitchat was to be expected. His stubborn refusal to even speak to her, made her efforts at building a simple work relationship harder, if not impossible. She didn't want to be here anymore than he did. The whole situation made her uncomfortable, and she was sure he felt the same. Still, she was trying dammit. Would it kill him to try too? "This isn't going to work." She thought despondently.

"So..." she began, trying to keep the despair from her voice, "I'm sorry...for bothering you. I'm gonna go now..."

With a heavy sigh that was born from the burden she carried in her heart, Aeris turned slowly, her head hung low in defeat. Before ascending the stairs, she gave him one last backwards glance. "I'm such an idiot." With that thought, her eyes watered and she finally let a few of the tears she wished to shed shake loose. Wiping them away quickly, she felt her entire body tremble with the emotion she'd held back. She wouldn't break down, not in front of him. Even if he weren't looking, she wouldn't cry but her resolve was quickly waning. And just as she was about to turn away again and retreat back to her room, he moved and she froze in place. His head turned slightly to the side; just enough to glean his features from the tousled fall of his bangs. He didn't look at her directly, giving her a sideways glance as his hand slipped from the mantle. She held her breath, tears just barely on the edge of her eyes but she didn't dare move to wipe them away.

"Thank you." He said, speaking so softly his words were nearly drowned out by the room's ambient noise.

Strange, he almost always spoke with a voice that was devoid of emotion but Aeris could swear she heard appreciation and a hint of sorrow in his tone. It startled her, as much of his current behavior had. He was so changed that it disconcerted her deeply. All she could think was how and why. There was no explanation for it, other than he just was and that wasn't enough for her.

"Y-you're welcome." She stammered with equal softness, "Good night..." And as she said this, she turned and quickly ascended the stairs.

She couldn't get upstairs fast enough, yet her feet felt so heavy. Each step seemed to increase the distance between her and her goal. The relief to be found in solitude seemed a thousand miles away. There was only so much one broken heart could take. Tiredly, she entered the bedroom, briefly leaning on the doorframe while she quieted her heart. It was still jack hammering in her chest; her legs were still rubbery and shaky. Her mind was caught in a swirling whirlpool of confused and tormented thought. She knew focusing on her angst was doing her no good and so with effort, she pushed that mire of confusion away. Turning her mind to more pleasant thoughts, the same little daydreams that had sustained her in heaven. They were nothing more than mental masturbation. Completely useless and in some ways worse than her despair for they took her away from reality and reality was what she should have been focused on. Slowly the adrenaline let go its hold of her and she stumbled into bed. Just as she pulled the covers on, she heard the door slam.

That was the last time Sephiroth had step foot in the house. The last time she saw him up close and for a while, that was enough for her. She contented herself with her daydreams, wasting precious time by holding onto the past.

The days passed quietly. She had been concerned by the meagerness of the rations and had already started to supplement them by foraging. In the time spent with Cloud and the rest of Avalanche, she'd picked up a few survival skills. From Cloud, she'd learned how to set up the most basic snares to catch rabbits or squirrels. She'd already set up quite a few, happily using as much meat as she could when fresh and drying the rest.

Yuffie had taught her how to skip stones as well as the fine art of using a slingshot to take down small birds. Both Tifa and Yuffie had helped her out when it came to basic foraging. Which she was unnaturally good at. At the time, she hadn't wanted to hurt their feelings but she really didn't need their help...much. The planet was of immense help to her, allowing her to find buried roots or hidden groupings of berry-laden bushes that no other human would ever discover--even if they looked.

Cid, being an avid hunter, showed her how to clean her kills and dry the meat into jerky. Cloud could have, but he seemed too squeamish for the task or perhaps he found it hard to teach something like that to her. With all these skills and more, she'd managed to assure an impressive set of meal choices that'd keep her well fed for quite some time.

Without having to worry about how she was to survive, Aeris had plenty of time to think while going through the menial tasks of the day. At first, her thoughts strayed to her worries about Sephiroth and the task they had to complete. It did nothing but make her nervous and anxious. Those thoughts were quickly pushed aside as she saw less and less of him. From time to time, she'd worry that he'd run out of rations. That he might be somewhere in the city, tired or hurt or hungry but those thoughts were rare and any worry behind them was quickly put out by her more callous feelings for the man. He could take care of himself, having more training on surviving in the wild than all of the members of Avalanche combined.

Instead, she'd daydream about what her friends might be up to, what they'd think if they found her here. What would she say to all of them? How had their lives changed? She burrowed under the covers, taking a deep breath as she indulged herself again.

They were revolving daydreams of where everyone would be right now. Most centered on Cloud but she often thought of her mother and her other friends. Where they might be, the expected happy events and the happy endings each of them deserved. Realistically, she knew that their lives might not be so perfect but this was what she dreamed for them and dreams have very little to do with reality. She had asked the planet about them in her first week in the ancient city. Yes, she couldn't include them in her journey and she wasn't allowed direct contact...but surely, just knowing how they were wasn't asking too much. The planet had replied with a disappointing, yes. To know their fates would only serve to distract her. It explained that if she knew the slightest bit about their lives, it might cause her to stray from her path.

Aeris had tried to push it to answer; to give her even the most fleeting glimpse but the planet wouldn't budge. It ignored any further questioning at the subject, shutting off its connection to her until she changed to other topics. Normally, she would have just continued berating it until it tired of her relentless questioning and gave up in sheer exasperation. It was a tactic she'd often used before and had worked on occasion. As the planet's favorite child, it rarely denied her anything and in that respect, she was a bit spoiled. Aeris knew this but at the same time, she felt it was her right to know. She would have pushed the planet to tell her but recently she'd found it hard to hold herself in commune with it. It had always been a difficult matter to listen to the planet, she was only half cetra but with great concentration, she could clearly its song. Even with the din of Midgar around her, she could hear it, though it was faint. And once she was there, it was easy enough to speak with it. Lately, she'd noticed a change in the connection. It was still easy enough to hear but it was almost too easy.

All she had to do was think of the planet's song and the connection would be opened. On several occasions she'd been merely humming its tune to herself, only to have the planet suddenly questioning her why she called. That wasn't the only thing that bothered her. The voice of the planet itself had changed. It was no longer a tremulous whisper or a gentle chorus that she'd have to strain to hear. It was as loud as an operatic choir, sometimes so resonant that she was left with headaches that lasted for days afterwards. There was once when she called and it had answered so loudly that she'd fallen off her chair with a gasp. She had the lump on the back of her head to prove it, too. The headaches she got after speaking with it became more frequent as the weeks passed, so it was a rare occurrence for her to contact the planet. When she did, it was only if she really needed to and she'd taken to restraining herself from summoning it accidentally. She never thought to ask why the connection had changed, chalking it up to being dead for so long that perhaps she'd forgotten the strength of its song. So, with little communication from the planet and no clear sign of what she was to do, Aeris continued to dream.

Now, her thoughts turned to Cloud, as they inevitably did in quiet times like this. Day and night was filled with longing for him. Snatches of dreams and idle meanderings filled her time in between chores. For a while she'd thought so selfishly. Praying that Cloud held her in his heart like some kind of golden beacon, that she'd be his light that lead his restless spirit to shore. Imagining that he'd scoured the earth to find a way to bring her back and that any minute now, he'd come storming into the ancient city like a white knight. Sweeping her off her feet to that wondrous future she knew was beyond her grasp. Behind closed eyes, that future was full of such promise and hope, that she could barely stand to be awake.

More and more, she found herself wallowing in these dreams and each day, the wanting for that dream to be reality weighed more heavily on her heart. Because she knew that those dreams would NEVER come true and to constantly hope for them was slowly killing her soul. As wonderful as they were, they weren't fulfilling. They made her feel good while she was wrapped within them, but her troubles came right back when she woke up and she was often left feeling worse than she had before. They set her free and imprisoned her at the same time. No matter how many times she imagined a moment with him, a kiss, a touch, it wasn't the real thing. None of it was real. It never would be.

And this morning, that realization finally sunk in. She'd run headlong into a wall and she could do nothing but stare stupidly at the ceiling above her. Her dreams were an empty house of cards, a hedge maze from which there was no escape. Any thought that she and Cloud would ever be more than what they had been was struck dead. Anything they had ended the minute he'd set her body into the city's lake three years ago. She wondered if he'd moved on.

Had he and Tifa finally gotten together or did he pine for her still? It was an odd wish but her overwhelming hope was that he'd gone on with his life. It caused her acute pain to think of Cloud and Tifa together but she was dead to them. They deserved to find happiness and if they could find solace in each other, who was she to deny it? No matter how much it broke her heart to realize this, she knew--more clearly than ever--that they had to go on with their lives. Cloud wasn't hers to worry about, not any longer. He wouldn't come to rescue her; he didn't even know that she was alive. Most likely, he was with Tifa and they had resumed their lives without her. If she lost Cloud to anyone, she wanted it to be Tifa. They both deserved to be together, to find happiness. And more than anything, she wanted them to be happy. Yes, she wanted both of them to be happy. Even if he had pined for her, even if he wanted her back...it mattered very little. She had a duty to the planet first and the fact that she hadn't received the vision her mother spoke of was worrisome.

And now, she knew why she hadn't received it. The planet's vision had always been conditional and it would only send them when it felt she was ready. She remembered how long it had taken for it to send her visions of her first death. Almost ten years, it took that long for it to show her the end of her life. Giving her snatches of images and vague hints, only revealing the truth once it was sure she could handle it.

Did it think that she wasn't ready now? She'd held onto her dreams like a child's favorite toy and by doing so, she demonstrated to the planet that she hadn't accepted her role as its protector. Staring into the ceiling, her eyes bored holes into its slotted sides. This was her reality and she couldn't escape it by loosing herself in the hedgerows. She would never leave this city, not until she summoned the first watchtower and she couldn't do that without the vision. Her dreams had held her back. She was a fool.

How was she supposed to do as the planet asked when all she could do was dream? How could she show the planet that she was ready now? Without the vision, she was as lost as she was before. Lost, lonely, bored and extremely unhappy. Her dreams of Cloud had shifted away and she finally put thought to why she was here. Her only solution for the lack of knowledge and what her mission might entail was to find her guardian. And for the first time in as many weeks, she voluntarily thought of Sephiroth.

What had he been doing all this time? Just waiting for her to get on with it? In the last five weeks, she had seen him on rare occasions. Mostly glimpsing a flash of silver and gray from afar. There were a few times when she'd see him walking through the city, looking to be lost in thought. The minute his gaze found her, he seemed to disappear. It was an odd habit that had mildly disturbed her, because she could never quite tell how he did it. One moment he'd be there, the next he was gone and half the time it was in a place where there was no place for him to hide.

At the time, she hadn't be that concerned, at least, not enough to pursue him. He had his life, she had hers, living in the same city yet in completely different worlds. Sometimes, it was easy to pretend that he wasn't even there and that she was completely alone in the city. Neither had gone out of the way to see each other and Aeris began to think this was another reason for her stagnation. Nibbling at her lower lip, she furrowed her brow and frowned, carefully considering each thought as it passed through her mind.

Should she seek him out after all these weeks of basically ignoring him? It was possible he knew something she didn't. Her mother had mentioned that she'd spent a lot of time with him in Purgatory. Perhaps, she'd told him something...given him extra information. No, that wasn't possible. Ifalna had said she'd receive a vision. She'd said that no one in ten thousand years had done what she was to do. Though her mother had not always been totally upfront about things, there was something in the way she'd said it that made Aeris believed that this was the truth. Besides, it wouldn't hurt to ask him and even if he didn't know a thing, they could still search the city together. Surely there were things to discover in the empty capital that'd be of use and her mother had said that she needed to learn to control her power. She just bet there were lots of books or scrolls...or something...down there that would be of use.

That would mean speaking to Sephiroth and that particular thought brought her no joy but still...it was better than sitting around doing nothing. She suddenly had a purpose and it brought a shy half smile to her face. With a satisfied sigh, she pushed herself up and stretched, banishing sleep as she came to wakefulness. For the first time since she'd revived, she was actually happy and more like herself than she'd been in a long time. She was confident in her decision and though she wasn't exactly looking forward to speaking with Sephiroth, she'd avoided it for far too long. He was her guardian, and as unwilling a participant in this situation as she.

As she swung her legs over the side of the bed, a stabbing pain lanced through her skull. It had caught her completely unawares and she gasped, lurching forward as she caught her head in her hands. Underneath her fingertips, the veins in her temples throbbed and all she could do was hold them there, lightly rubbing at the tender flesh in a valiant attempt to staunch the pain. Slowly, she felt the throbbing ebb away. Breathing deeply through her nose, she staved it off and after a beat, she was assured the attack was over. She'd never been prone to headaches before and it puzzled her. No sooner had she thought that then another wave of agony hit her. It was like a rampaging chocobo had gone berserk in her skull, battering the walls of her mind until they were raw with agony. Digging her fingernails into her scalp, she whimpered and fell to the floor as the ache in her head sunk its hooks deep into her mind.

Images began to push themselves forward, ripping their way painfully into her mind, heedless of the agony they caused. She tried to set up defensive walls to protect herself but they were broken easily. Whatever fueled the vision cared little that it was raping her mind, tearing through her walls like they were wet paper. Smudged images of the ancient city pulsated, subsuming her vision and she stared at it blankly, emerald eyes gazing out blindly as they passed. It showed her the oracle, its point of view shifting as it drew her to the cloister near the ancient stone. Near the sixth pillar was an indentation in the wall, vaguely the size and shape of processed materia. Around the indentation were a number of drawings, mandalas like the one she'd seen when she'd freed Sephiroth. Lightly glowing around the indentation. Fingers of light rippled from the indentation as the vision crawled forward slowly and the solid face of the wall opened. A door. There was a hidden door--and it was only revealed and opened by light.

Another surge pushed forward one lasting vision, the pain behind it never ceasing. It was hard for her to hold her concentration beyond stemming her agony, but she forced herself to pay attention. The vision's point of view sunk to below the city. It showed her the altar, pivoting to its far side and lowering into the lake beneath it. Sinking deeper and deeper, until it revealed a darkened orb that hid at the very bottom of the lake. No more than twelve feet down lay the white materia, resting where it had dropped three years ago. It had gone dark because holy had been summoned and it was no longer needed. The fading picture rippled and light suddenly erupted from the dark green orb. The shimmering depths of the lake shone with it, illuminating the exact spot of its final resting place. Her mind overflowed with numbing white light and she shut her eyes against it, turning in on herself in a futile attempt to relieve her pain. And as abruptly as it had came, the vision stopped, leaving Aeris to shudder on the floor, sucking air in with ragged, breathless sobs. Tears bidden by her physical agony rolled down her cheeks and her hands still held her head as she trembled on the ground.

For a very long time she just lay there trying to regain her breath and her composure. Gradually, her strength returned and she sat up slowly, still shaking from the intense pain the vision had brought, hanging over her like a light mist. She shook it away, taking several calming breaths to help clear her mind. Aeris wiped away the tears, and pushed back her bangs with an exhausted sigh, gazing at the world with bleary wonder.

Well, now she knew what she had to do though she hadn't any idea that the vision would've hurt so much. Before, when she'd receive such guiding images, it had never hurt like that. They'd always been unpleasant in nature but never painful, more like very vivid nightmares. This had been an out and out mental attack; the vision had torn at the fabric of her mind. It was disturbing and she hoped that it was merely because she was unaccustomed to her power as the planet's tenyo. She wished she knew more about what exactly came with the tenyo package, because nowhere in the deal had anyone told her about mind wrenching visions. Still, painful or not, it was a step forward and perhaps it was just because she wasn't used to her new power that it hurt so much. Maybe it'd get better as time went on.

She grunted slightly before standing and dusting herself off. This new turn of events was as wonderful as it had been painful. Now it made even more sense to find her guardian, as they could now get on with their mission. The idea of actually starting her journey and leaving the empty city brought with it many feelings. The most prominent being joy. Despite all her angst and bitterness at who she traveled with and the general conditions attached to the journey, she was excited by the prospect of finally traveling out in the world again. Years of natural perfection had her longing for the hustle and bustle of human life. She was ready to see new people and places, to find out how much things had changed while she was away. There was a whole world out there, one she'd barely had the chance to see during her first life and she was determined to take in as much as she could. Just because she had a mission didn't mean that she intended to let the world pass her by. Not this time.

Her spirits lifted and there was a spring in her step as she flitted about her room. She dressed quickly and the energy she seemed to lack moments ago had returned ten fold. Primly, she straightened her dress, smoothing the fabric as best she could. She'd taken care to keep both changes of clothes spotlessly clean but she was lacking anything to iron them with. So they were rather wrinkly, which bothered her. She'd always felt more confident when dressed well. Brushing her hair carefully, she pulled it back into a ponytail, though she didn't bother to braid it. Feeling more ready, she left her bedroom and bustled about the small living space as she finished up the morning's chores before she left. As she worked, she wondered where she ought to start looking for her absentee guardian.

It was with dark annoyance that she realized that he could be anywhere and she kicked herself viciously for losing track of him. Why hadn't she ran out and tracked him down that first day? Idiot. She'd let her fear get the better of her and now she had no one else to blame but herself for complicating her life. Frowning, she thought to where she'd seen him last or the places she thought he might frequent. Two days ago, she'd seen him walking out of the oracle's chamber. In fact, he seemed to hang around that general area a lot. With a shrug, she decided to set out for the ancient machine first which was convenient as that's where the vision had pointed her.

Finished with her chores, Aeris swiftly moved for the exit. By the door hung two bright red traveling cloaks, provided by the planet for their eventual departure. The weather was getting colder each day; she could feel the chill in the air. She grabbed the cloak and swung it on with a flourish. Her newfound joy releasing itself with every move she made. She was somewhat aware of the barrier surrounding the city, and the fact that they were unable to leave until they lit the first watchtower. Putting the cloak on was like saying that anytime now, she'd be able to leave. And she couldn't help but smile.

Author's Note--

HEY! This is actually only half a chapter. The ending point I had in mind for this took a little longer to get to than I thought it would. In the end, the entire chapter ending where I wanted it was fifty two pages long. I decided to be nice and break them up, because as much as some of you like long chapters. NO one wants to sit and read fifty two pages on a computer. It's just cruel. So the next two chapters are really only one. This is part one...obviously. SALUT!