Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Snow Drift ❯ Denial hates funerals. ( Chapter 10 )

April 6th.

A month of searching and they found nothing but a boot. A soggy, moldy, ruined leather boot. It made Squall sick to his stomach to think that Irvine may be lying somewhere beneath the piss warm crystal waters of the ocean soggy, moldy, and ruined. His skin bloated like a boiled sausage that's cooked far too long. This is what Squall has been thinking while in his room waiting for 1 o'clock: evil, living, breathing, 1 o'clock. Squall then began to wonder if he would ever see the time or date the same again. April 6th 2010, 1 o'clock. Will it always equal doomsday? Although, he can't really call it doomsday, more like the day the day-the-world-shitted-itself but for either of them Squall didn't think so, but then again in times like these Squall doesn't really care to think and yet his mind keeps talking to him like an alter ego that has a little too much freedom of conversation going on in his brain for his liking. The voice asks stupid and taunting questions like 'What are you gonna do now that Irvine's dead?' and 'What's it gonna be like when you die?' and 'Remember when Seifer was supposedly dead?' but that's where he had his chortling little alter ego because Seifer is infact very much alive. Which means there's hope yet for Irvine. Lack of a body does not make him dead, it makes him lost and they need only find him or the other way round. Irvine Kinneas is very resourceful; he once walked into a bank that was being held up by some guy who was either strapped for cash or just looking for kicks and out of nowhere decides to pull his own gun out and hold the place up as well. The man, confused, asked him what he thought he was doing and he asked the very same thing, later in the conversation of a dim matched to a wit, Irvine then says that they could hold the place up together and make more dough that way. When the man agreed Irvine told him to go for the money whilst he kept his gun aimed at the crowd and once said man turned around to do just that he was knocked out. See resourceful.

'Fuck!' Squall lifts himself to a sitting position anger crossing his; steadily with age, sharp features that once looked almost like a man with hidden kindness beneath his cool exterior now has the outter looks to match the inner and a cool gaze once in while could chill through the bone with a mere glance. 'Look at me, I'm remembering things about him as if I intend to act like the rest of them.' Standing he heaves out a sigh of frustration and restlessness.

Squall does intend to go to that mock funeral for a non-existent corpse. He's going to... he's going to... do something- that's for damned sure. Tell them all to kiss his and Irvine's asses for wanting to believe that he's dead or... or maybe he'll make them feel stupid for burying a boot. But as he passes by a mirror placed on the wall of his dorm room by none other than the sometimes appearance obsessed cowboy, Squall gazes at his reflections appearance. His eyes skimming down his body dressed in a black suit with a black tie and shirt; Hyne he suddenly felt ridiculous. Going over to his closet he pulls out another pair of clothes to change into. He's NOT going.

The air around Balamb town is stiff and cool in the April air. Birds seemed to sing with a bit more clarity then they had in March; the trees in bloom seemed like they gave enough of a damn to be a tree rather than an ugly, leafless- well, corpse. The sun is out but the thing with that is that the wind is a biting 66 degrees- a common occurrence with the ocean surrounding the place and all but- for some reason it seemed a bit more ominous than being just the temperature. Students and cadets from both Balamb Garden and the new Galbadia- who stayed in the hotel- came forth from their residents' to the funeral location, friends the 19 year old made here and there in towns throughout the countryside- some Squall and the others knew and others not so much, came to pay their respects to the deceased. Laguna came, Selphie didn't so much as place a hand to her gallant loving cheek in his presence being too distraught over the whole situation.

As seats filled everyone kept quiet and to themselves, either thinking of how to act or thinking of what to say to honor the fallen soldier. Most of them didn't seem as though they believed it. Checking the faces of others around them waiting for someone to stifle a giggle over the cruel joke but the grim faces returned the curious eyes down to their laps with the new knowledge that this is very much serious. A well dressed man walks over to the podium with a book in hand ready to speak, he looks as though this is just another job and to him it is, but to everyone else this is something sort of new and very unpleasant. This was for Irvine: full of life, live forever, invisible, flirty, Irvine; he's not the guy that walks around like he's keeping count for his miserable days on the planet, he's not the guy that slips a little something fishy into his food so that he unexpectedly, though very much wanting to, dies. But Irvine, their Irvine, Squall's Irvine is a liver.

"Hey, where's Squall?" Zell whispers to Quistis who was the one that went to the male's room to tell him of the funeral arrangements.

Dabbing her nose into a tissue she shakes her head without a word to accompany it.

"I don't blame him." Says Seifer. "I wish that I wasn't here."

"Seifer don't be so rude." Zell snips.

"Who's being rude? If anyone is being a shit-head its Kinneas."

"Seifer Almasy, that's disgusting." Quistis chimes in overhearing their conversation. "And if you're really going to act that way than maybe you should leave."

"Gladly." He stands.

"Sit down!" Growl the two making the fidgety male take his seat in a huff.

"Would anyone like to say a few words about Mr. Kinneas?"

Taking in a nervous breath Zell stands walking up to the podium. He chose a suit with a dark purple shirt underneath it and a black tie since he didn't own any solid black shirts he figured the dark purple is just as good. He has it written out knowing that he'd forget most of it or crack under the pressure when trying to remember it.

"I hate things like this, saying goodbye's mixed with nice things like that's all there will be- this one instant and this one goodbye to someone you care about- its weird! I can't say goodbye or treat this like its the end, ha, even with my morning amnesia I could never forget about a guy like Irvine. I remember how I'd sneak into his dorm or he'd sneak into mine early weekend mornings to watch old cartoons together and we'd just laugh the morning away and... anytime Selphie would bounce down the halls in the way she does over the holidays saying "tis the season", I'd say duck season to his "rabbit season"." He snickers softly as he can see Irvine in a winter sweater having complained for days about how cold it is and how the school should crank up the heat a little more. "When it comes to fun and goofing around Irvine's like my best friend but he was serious too. The few times that I got to see that side of him I really felt like I was being understood instead of talking to someone that was spacing out on me while I talked myself blue in the face. ...I honestly can't say goodbye to any of that, or him... I hope that none of you can." Wiping a hand over his cheek he steps away from the podium returning sullenly to his seat, receiving a comforting arm around his shoulders from his lover.

Rinoa stands next; her nerves were just as frazzled as Zell's. She took several steadying breaths before she could speak. "When I'd first met all the guys, Quistis, Selphie, Zell, and Squall I felt like an outsider. It was a cold place to be in, honestly; here you're with people that have a fine relationship and understanding of each other and you're just a former client who had hired their time then went along with them everywhere else for the Hell of it. And honestly, at first, that is how I felt it to be as well, but the longer I was with them the more I got to know them and care for them as friends of mine and I hoped that they had begun to see me the same way. I felt wanted and cared for but... I don't know, it kind of lacked something. When we all visited Trabia they spoke about their past together and I felt lost at that point but Irvine shook those fears from me and made me think otherwise and little by little, I felt the feelings that they had for each other were projected towards me as well and it was wonderful. So I'll always feel close to Irvine for helping my come out of my tiny little hut into the unexplored world of close friendship." She wipes a tear. "I like to think that Irvine's found everything he wants so leaving it he won't be sad or have any regrets because he'll never stop seeing or loving the people dearest to him. He got to love them to the fullest and receive that same love. He wouldn't want us to be sad, he'd want us to keep on doing what we do that makes him love us." Rinoa steps away from the podium eyes full of tears, cheeks stained with wet race tracks.

Quistis was next. She had more composure over herself than Zell and Rinoa refusing to cry in front of the crowd, but she planned to let the floodgates open the moment she gets back to her room at Garden where she can be alone and feel the pain of loss. The woman can't help but think that the absent Squall is off doing that very thing right now but he'll probably be by later to pay his respects in private rather then be amongst the others who will listen to his private thoughts and feelings for his lover. Squall does not like to share when it comes to that emotional storage shed he calls a brain. "He's got the biggest mouth I've ever come across, if he were a student of mine back then I can't imagine how much gil would be wasted on headache medicine from long days of telling him to be quiet or stop misbehaving. But the only thing bigger than his mouth is his heart. He may not have known it from the reactions his flirting received, but Irvine's flirting was always harmless and sweet, it made you feel... I don't know, appreciated and appreciative that someone noticed little things about you- superficial or emotional, he picked up on it and it really helped just to be seen and heard... I only wish that I'd taken more time to get to know him so that I could tell stories instead of 'if I' this and that. I hope that the Heaven's treat him well."

Someone the orphanage gang doesn't know went next to speak about the male, telling sweet stories of how he and Irvine would sneak out of their dorm at night and head down to the kitchen in order to sneak a tastey treat from the fridge or cubberds to eat and talk over, how Irvine always laughed and was either in on or that start of a lot of trouble that went on in Galbadia never one to take authority with a serious face. The boy was very sweet and ended it the same way Quistis had ended hers before walking back to his seat.

Seifer sighed in a rather annoyed manner when Zell gave his shoulder a shove telling him to go next. Walking up to the podium the ex-knight leans heavily on the sterdy wood giving the microphone a tap with his index finger before speaking in a clipped tone. "Irvine's a bastard and to be frank, I hate him now, because the one thing I liked about him is that unlike everyone else I know he's never bothered me, never insulted me or got in my way- like Trepe said, I would have liked more time with him." He shrugs guily. "But it doesn't matter now because I hate him on the count that his being dead has caused him to do the one thing he's never done and that's bother me."

Seifer's words got mixed reviews as the male took his seat smiling at the chatter he's caused. Zell glared at the male sure that if Squall were here Seifer would be sporting a black eye for sure. Selphie, full of sniffles and sobs, went next. She's visibly shaking and for a moment every one thought she might return to her seat rather than say anything, but the girl cleared her voice, giving her head a quick shake, as if asking her nerves to obey her and stop acting up until she's ready.

"He was... he was, to me, that one person that did it to me; he made me uncomfortable, he made me quiet and..." She sniffles again. "thoughtful," She laughs a second after saying that. "Before Irvine came to Balamb I was all over the place, bouncing off walls and talking a mile a mintute but Irvine kept me grounded enough to want things... to want a home, to want friends, and stable memories that don't go flying all around when something else fun comes along. That's why I started my journals on the computer, to keepsake things, and people, and places dear to me so that I'll never forget them. So yeah, its weird to say but Irvine gave me calm. He gave me the courage that I didn't know I lacked to stand still and slow down. And when the thoughts I had hidden away that I'm a girl with nothing surfaced I beat them away with the mighty force that, yeah I do, and what I have is awesome and Irvine showed me that just by being around and remembering me even when I didn't remember me. So now, the happiness in my head" that made the girl begin to cry so when she spoke her words garbled in her throat. "exist in my heart too."

Matron walks over to the tiny girl and in her smaller form she holds the girl in her arms made to feel as big as mountains just from the care she has for all of them. When Selphie was sure she'd be all right, she gave her make-shift mother a nod before returning to her seat. The tiny mountain took the stand next and with a voice calm like the ocean in summer, and gentle like the breeze on a warm fall afternoon, she speaks. "Irvine, to me, was like Mr. you-got-it." She smiles sweetly. "Anytime you wanted something he'd just be right there to get it for you or help hold it or carry it; imagine the skinny little six year old holding the heaviest end of something with all his might. No regard for himself, though, he would tell everyone else to be careful while in the same instant playing with the other kids as hard as he could. You couldn't tell Irvine was anything but a happy little boy until something was too much for all his might to hold back then he would just sneak somewhere to cry and cry until he'd felt better. I first saw that and thought it was so sad to see this boy hiding his pain like this and so without his permission I scooped him up and held him." She laughs then. "He fought me like a baby chocobo caught in a fence, insisting that he was playing a game and making up a story. But I held him... and when he knew he was stuck he told me his sorrows and though he never said it outloud he was very grateful that I listened to him. Irvine will always be a grown man in my eyes but when we're alone he will hold memories of that crying baby that smiled for me but not because he wanted to go on hiding but because he knew he no longer had to." Nodding she says softly. "Irvine is a sharer, because deep down he thinks that life is an adventure- every part, and he can't wait to tell someone what he's done. He will always be loved, and always missed."

...

Squall rests his back on the cold wood of the peer beneath him; letting the full of the sun warm his face. He can't go to the funeral, he just can't. All those people gazing at him, listening closely to his every word just to get in when they don't really care about what he's saying, interested only in the words being said that come from his usually closed mouth as something new and interesting to file away about him.

'I hate funerals. I hate the way the world acts: sobbing, remembering- creeps manage calm and collected but later they freak out taking it out on anything in their path- hn- I guess I could fall into that catagory but no... I'm not gonna do this to myself, its bullshit! Irvine being dead. There is no body, why am I the only one paying attention to that?' He closes his sun brightened gray-blue eyes. 'This is all so damned surreal. The thing I hate the most, I guess, is that once its over- really over, people don't look at it the same way anymore. Its no longer the lack of someone around its more of a quick- huh, that reminds me of so-and-so, imagine that, then they move on with the rest of the day as if its nothing more than a memory. You say, I'll never forget that person or that person, and sure that's true but when you just brush them off because to you its been long enough its almost as if you've lost respect for them so the most they do get for this wonderful memory they've given you of them is a scoffed out "huh".' Opening his eyes he sits up. 'Not me, though, I'll always remember and honor Irvine. I'll do good by your memory until you come back and can do it for yourself. He's lost but he'll be back. I know he will. They'll laugh, whisper about me... but what do they know about loving him? They love him as a friend, I know him intimately and not just through sex but anything... I can answer any question about him, I'll bet.' His shoulders sag. 'Listen to me, if I knew him all that well I wouldn't need to prove it. Why does it have to be the greater the love the greater the loss? Why can't it be that losing them in easier so you don't have to feel hollow and alone so all of a sudden then later on, when you're ready, you can feel the loss.'

Standing, the downhearted male dips his head, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his blue suit pants and, with heavy legs, he leaves his sitting place to go back to Garden. The funeral should be over by now. Everyone was going to Garden in order to eat and be chatty. Maybe he shouldn't go back to Garden just yet, he isn't ready to answer the dumb question of 'where have you been?' when it should really be 'why didn't you go to your own boyfriend's funeral?' because honestly he might have socked whomever was the first to get it out. But no, he'll just take a walk for a little while, decide what to do, how to feel... then he'll return to Garden and sleep. Sleep always freed him from the outside nightmares, even if he had to be reminded of the ones roaming inside.

Ellone stands at the end of the road Squall is slowly taking to exit the docks. In her arms is the bundled baby Kait. He seems to be sleeping, or very comfortable in the woman's arms since he's not moving about, or grabbing for things he can reach with his tiny arms. Squall sees the girl, wanting to continue by without a word but he would never in his life snub his big sister. He's longed to have her back in his life so much that he would never forgive himself for being rude to her. So instead of swirving out of her path, he meets her face on.

"If you're going to ask why I didn't go-.." He starts to say but is cut off by the shaking of the woman's head.

"I came to take you with me while I look around for an apartment for me and Kait."

"An apartment? Did Mrs. Dincht ask you to leave?" He wouldn't believe that if he'd seen it. The woman is practically a foul mouthed saint. She'll get her hands dirty and fix you dinner at the same time. She'd never tell Ellone and the baby to leave. But he had to ask, to be sure.

"No. Its nothing like that, I just don't want to be a burdon to her." She looks fondly at the child in her arms. He's gotten so big for a nine month old. "I just feel that as Kait gets bigger we're going to need more space to ourselves."

Squall, again, feels that stab of guilt run through him. He's turned his big sister into a single mother without even meaning to. There's something! "I'll make sure that Kait's missing mother is found, her or one of his aunts or uncles- even an older cousin so you're not stuck with him for too long."

"Squall, he's not a problem, really. I just would like a nice place to stay that's just for me, here in town so that I can be closer to you right now." She smiles. "You're going to need me Squall. I thought that your not showing up meant that you were taking things badly, I see you're holding up, but for when you're not I want to be here."

"Thank you for being concerned, but I'm not gonna come undone- I've been away from Irvine for long periods of time before. We're not joined at the hip. Until he comes back, I'm just going to think of him on a long mission." He shrugs. "No big deal."

"Squall..." She starts to say.

Their attention is taken when a black towncar drives up beside them. The window comes down but not quick enough to prevent the passanger inside from popping his head on the upper frame of the window. "Ow." He admits before laughing it off, rubbing his head. "Ellone! Hi! Hey Squall!" Laguna greets them. Holding out a finger to ask for a moment, he pops the door open stepping out of the heater warmed car into the cold of the Balamb peer. He shivers a second from the temperature change.

"Elle' here you are. I thought I lost you after... well.." He trails off, hand scratching shyly at the back of his head not knowing how to bring up the subject of the funeral. "Do you need a lift? Its chilly out." He holds himself in a hug as if to show just how cold it is. "Oh, you can come too Squall, are you going back to Garden with your friends?"

"No. I've decided to walk around for a bit."

"Come on, it'll be fun riding together- talking, getting to know each other."

"I said 'no'. I have more important things to." He crosses his arms over his chest as if to say now ask me again.

"Right, wandering, you said something about that." He sighs sadly.

Honsetly if a clown were to ride by a bear, who's riding a unicycle it would lok less awkward than the two of them talking to each other with the way Squall Leonhart not Squall Loire brick walls the man at every attempt Laguna makes to have them be pals. Squall may not want him as a father but he could at least look at him as a friend, right?

"I really wish you'd reconsider." Laguna says. "But you said you've got other things to do, so I'll see you around. Come on, Ellie."

"Okay." Eyeing Squall with a sad expression the woman walks over to the boy she will always think of as a little brother, planting a kiss on his scarred forehead before she walks to the towncar with Laguna who held the door for her, climbing in himself once she and the baby were situated. "Bye Squall."

Rolling his eyes to the bright blue sky, Squall says in a voice low enough to hope that it wasn't heard. "Wait."

Before he knew it, he and Ellone and Laguna with Kait went searching for an apartment for her and the baby to stay in. By the time they found a nice sized two bedroom, apartment home they had a small lunch together and Squall was dropped off at Garden shortly afterwards. Exhausted and drained of company and pleasantries he fell asleep.

"Squall? Hey Squall? Wake up." A southern accent whispers before it says in a louder tone. "Hyne, if I want you awake then why the heck am I whispering. Squall? Get up, darlin'."

Opening his eyes he smiles up at the male, a simple happy smile just for Irvine. The one he always gives the male when they're reunited in a day. "What time is it?" He sits up instantly alert, never wanting to be drowsy a day in his life and if he is it'll be when he's alone. Don't ask him, its just really lame to have sleep fog clouding you when you wake up.

"I don't know, but I wanted to make sure you're up in time to get dressed for my 'becoming SeeD' party." The male grabs the lapels of his formal jacket between thumb and fingers making a face as though he were the most grand person in all the world when he cleaned up.

And to Squall, the taller male, really was. He loves the way Irvine sees fit to tie his hair back in a braid while seeing that his tresses stay slicked off to one side. Irvine is so handsome. He wanted to be handsome, but anytime he hears a compliment about his looks its always- 'so beautiful' mixed with long ignorant stares that he doesn't want. But he likes how defined his face is turning out. No more baby curves, no more pouty mouth and puppy dog eyes that makes people turn their head hard enough to snap their neck. He has yet to hear his lover call him handsome but he doesn't hate hearing Irvine say that's he's so good-looking. No swearing like he's thinking about it lecherously, just 'you're so good-looking'.

"I won't forget, you put up post-its everywhere."

"That I did. I feel kinda cheap about getting it a bit, I mean, I belong to Galdbadia and ya'll just took me in like that."

"Helps when Matron is the headmistress."

Irvine snickers with his- eternally, non-laugh laugh. "I guess that's true." He knew how Squall meant it. Matron knew how good Irvine was at what he does so why not make him a SeeD, he's SeeD material.

Standing from the bed he walks over to the mirror where Irvine is admiring his reflection. Beside him, Squall cocks his head at their relefection. Glancing down beside him, Irvine smiles as he wraps an arm around the male's shoulders. "Cute enough to get hitched, right?"

"I don't know about that." Replied Squall. "I was just thinking about something."

"What?"

"Its not important, I just wanted to know..." His words are chopped off when the cowboys hold suddenly loosens around his shoulders. "Irvine?" But it was pointless to say, through the mirror he saw the male fading away, fading with the dream he's waking up from. And futily he whispers. "Irvine."

Eyes open he looks around his dorm room. Though he hadn't expected the person that it is, he knew that someone would be there. "What are you doing here? I don't feel like talking."

Laguna pushes his side sweep of hair behind his ear, glad the rest had been pulled into a low ponytail that rested along his back between his shoulder blades. "Squall, you may not think you need this but I think you do... to talk." He explained. "Its hard losing someone close to you- I mean, I don't know your relationship or you personally but I know what its like to lose people. I've lost two people very important to me, the worst one was the love I never really got to know... it hurt-"

"Irvine is not lost." Squall cuts in. "Irvine's on a mission, lost somewhere. When he comes back you'll all feel really stupid."

Laguna laughed at that. "Its amazing when you're on the other side of denial. Its kinda scary. Well... I don't think talking to you will be easy when I wanna do so, maybe, someday, you'll willingly come to me to talk? I'll be here- well, there for you anytime." He stands giving his leg a quick rub, nerves tightening when his emotional nerves did. "I'm sorry for bothering you. Have a nice sleep." He walks to the door. "I... I just kind of thought it would be nice to talk to someone who can actually understand your pain, rather than say they know when they really don't. Imagining pain and truly knowing it are two differnt things, Squall. Remember that. See ya."

Squall looked after the man; Laguna had such a sad expression on his face that he felt a pang of guilt for putting it there. He seems to be disappointing everyone all over the place. He let his friends down when he wanted to continue searching, though, they knew it was futile; he'd let Ellone down by not wanting to talk to her about Irvine and now he's letting Laguna down because the man wants to sympathize with him over something they both have in common, though, to Squall they don't. He can slowly feel that this whole 'Irvine's dead' thing is going to put him right back in that same place he'd been two years ago and he just wished that people would stop expecting things from him. Covering his face with the pillow he takes a deep inhale waiting for sleep to take over. He'd rather be in a place where everything makes sense and is normal. It'd be just his luck he dreams about giant robots that hold you hostage in its chest.