Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Snow Drift ❯ Where are you, who are you? ( Chapter 11 )

Squall Leonhart, age 19, SeeD commander, with the personal interest of fishing and hiking- though, he would never tell these things to anyone; after all, its none of their business what he does and doesn't like to do with his spare time. Anyhow, Squall was sure that he was going to have a fit; the very first fit he's ever had his entire 19 years of existing due to the fact that his best friends were plucking at his every nerve. From the moment he'd finished his morning routine of showering, dressing, then barely brushing his hair he was assaulted with their presence. Selphie greeted him at the door, a big, false, smile upon her cute little face as she cheerfully wailed...

"Good morning, Squall!"

Followed by...

"Did you sleep well?"

At which point Squall replies.

"Barely, and barely."

Selphie scrunched her face to the first barely until she released what her, mock, brother was getting at. But, being Selphie, she didn't seem to care that or she hid it well. The walk to the cafeteria was filled with her chatter about wanting to start another webpage on her site made just for Laguna- or Sir Laguna, as she calls him. Squall had to wonder what the big attraction was to that lame old movie about dragons and knights that she and Seifer, surprisingly, seem so into. He's seen it and thought it was just another lame knight falling in love with a Sorceress flick. But not the two of them; Seifer even copied the man's battle stance from it! Talk about weird hobbies and interest. Squall had to wonder how the pair would get along? Seifer and Laguna have been around each other in the same room with other people, sure, but how would they be if left alone for a bit. Scary thought. They should be father and son, not him and the goofy president.

The entire cafeteria heard Selphie coming and eyes glued to her companion as she walked through the entry/exit way of the cafeteria. Squall had known the day would go like this but he had no idea how soon it would start. He figured he had at least until he lunch for every one to start staring him down waiting to see how the big bad, quiet, commander would break down and fall apart without the loud mouth cowboy at his side. Well, jokes on them because he isn't going to fall apart. He meant what he said the other day, he will be alright, and he will wait patiently for Irvine rather than go out searching for the male because the male's pace might be a bit slow. Irvine always loved taking his time with things.

Whispers fill the, once casual conversation having, room as eyes of the inhabitants follow Squall's path over to the line. They watch as he fills his plate with four pancakes, a side of sliced fruit- mixed melons- and a carton of orange juice. Selphie, beside him, gets a bowl of apple and cinnamon oatmeal, two slices of bacon, for dunking, and a carton of apple juice. Squall waits a hesitant step so the short girl can pass him and take the lead to a table, which she chooses one at the edge of the cafeteria near the back but in the center. Pulling out a seat he sits down with as much grace as someone whose just been shoved down. Head lowered, as he always eats that way, Squall cuts triangle slices from the round cake, placing it into his mouth then chewing it with care before swallowing and repeating. Again, he's aware of the eyes on him, but he will pay them no mind. He won't even give them the satisfaction of a snide comment about Irvine coming back. He'll just have his breakfast and head to the library to do some reading. Its been a while anyway. He used to use his library card so much the barcode was smudging but since getting with Irvine and accepting his friendship with his fellow war-mates, its just been sitting in his desk drawer collecting dust.

A frown on her face; Selphie wants to say something nice and encouraging but she can't think of a thing that won't sound stupid or obvious like "don't worry, Squall, it'll get easier" or "its good to grieve, you don't have to keep a brave face alone". But what would Squall say? He's clearly choosing denial, since he wouldn't even got to the funeral yesterday. But last night they all agreed that they would be happy and cheerful so that Squall isn't sad or lonely. But, Selphie's finding it hard to keep it up alone. She didn't get any sleep last night, thinking about Irvine being gone and thinking about Squall being broken because of it. It was all too much to bare, feeling this powerless to make her friends' pains go away. If Irvine had been struck down on the battle field, big deal, that's what Life is for but the funny thing about magic is that without a body it can't work, and it won't work on anyone that's been dead longer than 24 hours. If Irvine hadn't fallen off the cliff, he'd be alive today.

Zell was taken aback when he spotted Selphie and Squall seated at a table. He honestly didn't think the girl would be able to get the guy out of bed but there he is eating breakfast as though it were just any other day. Walking over to the table, he sets his tray down. "Morning guys," He says happily. "I didn't think I'd see you here, Squall."

"Why not? Its breakfast and I have to eat." He looks over at the male, his dual colored eyes then fall to Zell's tray; seeing the link sausage sitting beside a mountain of scrambled eggs and fried potato's he reaches his fork over stabbing one through bringing it up to his mouth.

"Because, well, you know. Its so early." He lamely replies. He'd really meant to say that he couldn't believe Squall was up at all since Irvine won't be joining them for breakfast ever again.

"Bravo, Leonhart." Says Seifer taking a seat beside Zell. "I didn't think you'd be able to function today. Nice to see you've finally manned up."

Setting his fork down, finished with his meal, Squall grabs the tray but doesn't yet lift it from the table. "Whatever." He replies evenly, then adds. "Remind me to repay you for putting me to sleep and having me miss a weeks worth of searching."

"That he's upset over? The cowboy dies and he's holding a grudge over old shit."

The entire table held their breath after very audibly sucking it into their lungs. Quistis and Rinoa who had just joined them couldn't even finish taking their seats, and their bottoms hovered over the chair as if it were covered in tacks.

Squall cocked a brow. This was getting annoying. 'Do they really think I'm that stupid? I know they're trying to make me feel better about Irvine's disappearance by acting like they're happy and all smiles when they really aren't. Its so pathetic that my own friends can't trust my word.' Sighing, Squall stands from the table. "You're all exhausting."

Letting the air return to their lungs they exhale and continue having breakfast minus the lion.

"Real smooth, Seifer. What were you thinking saying something like that?" Selphie snips at the arrogant male.

"What? You said maintain normalcy, so I insulted him. I'm the only being honest any damn way, this plan is off as far as I go. I don't care either way if he's sad or he isn't." He takes a bite of his sweet cinnamon roll, talking around it. "Leonhart's a big boy, he knows that death is the end of the road for everyone eventually, Irvine's just happened a lot sooner than every one else."

The girls look at Seifer disapprovingly, Zell resists the urge to flick his breakfast at the male.

Squall walks calmly down to his dorm room, again, the stares the whispers and some points. He wasn't this popular when he gave everyone and anyone the cold shoulder when he was 17. He was Squall Leonhart, the exciting rival of Seifer Almasy, to war hero, to grieving... what do you call someone who lost a boyfriend? Just grieving he guessed. At the end of the hall he spots Irvine's former team standing idly until they saw him which made them perk up in a sort of cowering way. He thought about just brushing past them and into the dorm hall, but he doubted they would take the hint and move on so he walks up to them, stopping five steps a way.

Crossing his arms over his chest he asks. "What do you want?"

Still being team leader, Eurydice clears her throat. "I um... well, we know that you've been searching for the baby's parents and.. we thought we might help out- in anyway we can."

The other three nod.

"No thanks. I've got it covered." Walking past them into the dorm hall, he can hear their whispers growing closer rather than farther away from him. Stopping, he looks over his shoulder, hefting a sigh when seeing that they're following him. "What is it now?"

"We... we just wanted to say that we're sorry for what happened." This was Luna.

"Yeah." Chime the boys.

Squall shrugs. "Irvine's gonna come back. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves and go be useful." Walking away he hoped they took the hint and backed off; its one thing when his friends do it, but another thing entirely when its complete strangers.

He was in his room for a short moment just to grab his library card then he headed back out into the hall. He didn't see any of the others hanging out in the hall which meant they are still having breakfast. Thank Hyne. Finally he can get a little private time before he heads out to question people about the late Mr. Redfield and the location of his wife. Oh sure, others are looking, but nothing beats self exploration. Turning into the library he passes by the large wooden desk and a few shelves until he's well hidden in the back of the room where he can search for a book or books to last him a while. He had a feeling he'd be playing a serious game of avoidance until everyone quit looking for a disaster or Irvine walks through the Garden gate himself. Squall chose five books feeling watched the entire time. He was in luck if he had a stalker who would decide to kidnap him now, because he'd have dozens of witnesses.

"Squall," Says the girl at the counter. "I'm very sorry for your loss."

He was this close to telling her to shove it, but he instead nodded and waited for his books to be checked through the machine.

The girl must have been surprised about not getting a snarky reply as she decided to say something else. "We're all gonna miss him."

Raising a brow, Squall takes in the girl's appearance. Did she even know Irvine to say something like that? He wasn't sure. He thought about testing it but changed his mind and again chose to nod before walking out. Time to find a quiet place to read; he would have gone to his dorm but the others have his key code and surely the room would have become stuffy from silence. It was amazing how you could go from not minding something to then become completely bothered by it the next minute. But silence was always somewhat of a bother to him, it allowed him to think too much about dumb things, though, that was long ago when his mind had dumb things to think about. He no longer is bothered by any of those haunting memories, just lingering emotions from them but then that's been the case for just about everyone.

Suddenly very aware of his surroundings, Squall notices that he's left the Garden and has started for the forest. Surely he can get some reading done there.

...

Squall closes his eyes, smiling faintly when he feels a hand lift his bangs up to the top of his head further exposing his scar. A chin pins down both the bangs and the hand as Irvine looks down at his lap where a thick book sits. The cowboy's other hand is rubbing gently at his thigh but not in the seductive way that would make his jeans tight but just a casual caressing, as though his hands wanted to be busy since they're merely sitting out in the woods against a tree because Squall wanted to read in a comfortable open space.

"Hang on." Irvine said before he then allowed Squall to turn the page.

Shaking his head, the back of it getting messed up since its pressed into Irvine's chest. "I thought you said reading was dumb?"

"No. I said the books I get are often dumb, but you keep laughin' without tellin' me why- just figured I'd read too."

"..." He returns to the book.

The two read silently for a moment once the page is turned but then Irvine says a triumphant.

"Done."

"Its not a race."

"You're just saying that because I beat you."

Rolling his eyes he replies automatically. "Whatever."

"Whatever, whatever." Irvine teases poking the males side.

"Cut it out." He nudges the finger-poking hand away. "I'll read it out loud, you just listen."

"Deal." Closing his eyes, he settles himself against the rough tree at his back and the soft gunblader infront of him.

Squall starts to read out loud but he instead says. "I don't have to do voices, do I?"

"Would be nice?" He smirks knowing damn well Squall Leonhart would not do character voices in a book, not only would he have to speak that way, but he'd have to make them up as well.

"Screw yourself, take a nap." Squall then continues reading quietly as he had been in the first place.

Snickering enough to shake his, mock pissy, lover, Irvine begins humming softly a song he's heard numerous times on the radio, smiling when Squall hums along as well.

Presently, Squall shakes the memory away. Memories are for dead people when there are no photographs being looked at or conversation being had and he's not going to consider that word with Irvine. Opening the second book from the stack of five he begins reading. It isn't long before he's six chapters in. Ready to go on to the next chapter he looks up when his sunlight is blocked out.

"Squall, funny seeing you out here." Quistis gestures a hand out to ask if she can have a seat.

He gives no answer; he's aware that Quistis would invite herself to sit anyway, and she does. Sitting quietly a moment, the woman looks up into the clusters of branches and leaves to the peeks of light showing through, then she lowers her gaze to the male. "Squall, would you like to have dinner with me?"

Looking at her quizzically, he shrugs. "Why?"

"We never have meals alone together. I just thought it would be something nice to start doing."

'Why? Because you wanna believe that Irvine is dead? Will everyone wanna start some new thing to take my mind off of something my mind isn't even on? If that's the case than maybe I should go stay with Ellone for a while.' The idea struck him as weird right after he'd thought it. Stay with Ellone, leave Garden. Why do his friends have to force weird ideas into his head with their even weirder behavior? 'I should stop being such a creep. Quistis and everyone are my friends, maybe she just really wants to have dinners with me and couldn't ask before since we'd always eat in the cafeteria and any time I didn't I was out with Irvine.'

Quistis waits patiently, knowing that Squall likes a good amount of time to bother himself with what-if's before he gives an answer to anything- most of the time anyway.

"Alright. Where will go?"

Shocked that he actually agreed, she's tongue tied a moment. "I... I'm not sure, there are a lot of good places to eat around Balamb. Maybe seafood, whatever is fresh this season."

"Ok."

"Good. Then its settled." She smiles.

Returning to his book believing that she'd now leave him alone he has to cast a side-long glance her way as she's still diagonal from him. Sighing, he tilts his head to the sky as if to ask Hyne what he did to deserve today. "Anything else?" He asks to be sure.

"No. I just thought I'd keep you company."

"I have company." He nods to the stack of books beside him.

"You're reading?" She picks one of the books up expecting to see that the inside has something more Squall's speed hidden in the folds of the pages. A Weapons Monthlymaybe, but no, it was just an ordinary library book.

"I do know how to read, Quistis."

"I know you do," She says in a tone that says 'I'm not an idiot'. "but you've never expressed any desire to read back in my classes- I'd just assumed you'd hated doing it."

"Never assume anything with me." He says, though, not in any bitter or agitated tone.

"Like how you surprised me and everyone else with your ability to dance."

"We all had to learn it." He says absently; closing the book he can tell that reading time was over.

"True. But we never thought that you'd ever do it."

"Never think anything about me."

Quistis had to laugh at that. "You can be so immature when you're not holding up your barriers, its cute."

Squall could only sigh in defeat. Closing his eyes, he takes a rest. Let Quistis talk herself out, maybe she'll leave him alone then.

...

Later in the day, after ditching Trepe, Squall decided to hang out in the quad but Selphie was in there trying her hardest to keep her mind happy and carefree by helping make paper decorations for the Spring festival in a week from now. Seeing him her frown turned into a smile, that looked so painful he wondered how the girl didn't crack her teeth. Selphie asked him to help out a bit and so he did. Squall began to think that appeasing to his friends need to make him happy would actually be doing them a favor because he is, in fact, not sad. But they are, and as a friend, and to keep with the promise to himself, he will help them out. So for an hour he made himself snip this, or move that for Selphie- which scared the crap out of the others incharge of the festivities; he was sure they were all glad to see him go.

Zell he met up with in the cafeteria- the others were still in class. The two of them talked about weapons and this show Zell has gotten into that has something to do with time travel and a boy saving his mother from a disaster that happened in his normal time period. It sounded boring in premis but Zell explained it well enough that he would consider having his mind changed if he could catch an episode with the male.

Rinoa on the other hand asked him to go for a jog with her to Balamb town and back, he agreed and changed his clothes to something more suitable for running. She spoke of nothing in particular and he listened attentively to her, the one thing Rinoa did different from everyone else when he wanted to part ways is that she hugged him. No words of 'hang in there' or whatever. She just hugged him, smiled and went on her way.

Dinner with Quistis was nearly the most awkward thing he's ever been through in his entire life and he would rather put it out of his mind. It could possibly get easier if they do it enough times, he supposed.

So after the draining day he decides to head into the training center to release his frustractions and clear his mind. The battlefield before him is a snowy, winter wonderland with snow capped trees and ice covered water. The place has had many upgrades over the last two years and this to Squall has been the best feature. Training in the jungle is fine but sometimes he likes to feel the bitter sting of cold as its trying to press through his own cold. Its refreshing. But there in the blowing drifts of shaved tundra stands Seifer Almasy with Hyperions Blood slung over his shoulder. Great.

Laughing hautily, Seifer says. "How 'bout a little competition- manchild?"

'A new nickname, wonderful.' Intruiged by the questions, Squall asks. "What is it?"

"Bragging rights to whomever defeats the most monsters."

"Dumb prize since apparently I'm silently bragging over you all the time," He comments referring to their conversation months ago about how he's always seeking the lime light. "but deal."

"Alright, let's go." Taking his battle stance; which nearly had Squall laugh out loud after thinking about what had been going through his head earlier, Seifer then says. "Big ones are worth thirty, small ones five."

"Okay."

A monster came lazily stumbling across the invisable line of the battlefield. The two spot him instantaniously, but the ex-knight is the first to make a move charging for the creature. Squall started forward but dashed off to the side when seeing a much larger target for his prize lounging by the freezing waters. Chanting a spell for Silence, Squall leaps out of the bushes upon seeing that his spell has made contact. Landing Black Lionhart in the center of the Blue Dragon's back he let his weight drop which lowered him briskly to the snow-covered floor carving a large crator into the monster. It let out a loud bellow; its tail swung wildly through the air trying to swat whatever had hurt it like a fly, which it nearly had if Squall weren't quick enough to duck down after his landing. Rolling out of the way of the thrashing beast, he gets up to his feet dashing ahead to make some room between the two of them. The dragon saw its attacker and flapping its great wings causing a gust storm to sweep past the lion it pecked its head forward attempting to take a bite out of the male but instead met the blade of the sword-gun having its mouth sliced a little wider than it was.

This monster was weak, but Squall figured he could be a little flashy; legs parted he lifts his gunblade so that the flat of the blade would be against his chest if it weren't out before him. Running his hand across the cold black blade it glows in bright, frosty blue around the sharp edge of the blade. "Frost Bite." He commands the attack. A white lion's spirit emerges from the blade; its silver main peppered with bits of ice shards that have it standing on end as if the hair were a porcupine's quills, its proud body standing mightily before its owner. "Attack."

Letting out a roar loud enough to break the sound barrier the spirit dashes about with the speed of light cutting through the large dragon as though it were a wrecking ball through water. The beast groaned and twisted in pain as its body became an ice sculpture at which point Black Lionhart is weilded, rapidly slicing the frozen statue to crumbs.

A satisfied smirk crosses his beautiful features as he says triuphantly. "Ten."

Coming from the bushes Seifer admires the dissolving creature. "Wow. Ten. Good for you Leonhart. Ninety more points and you'll be up to me."

Looking at where Seifer had just come from Squall can't help but blush slightly seeing what looked to be twenty somthing monsers piled up on each other in a smoldering heap.

"That would be one hundred."

"Yeah, if you wanna sweat the small stuff."

"And it figures you'd go for something big to get over the big stuff you're trying not to."

'So this was about distracting me from thinking about Irvine. Seifer, you're move clever than I thought.' Shaking his head, he laughs quietly. "I never would have expected to be distracted from Mr. it-should-have-been-you-that-died, sincerly Seifer. That's really sweet of you."

"Oh, shut up." He shoves the smug male. "Pick up your damned blade and keep fighting."

Squall continues laughing even as he takes a battle stance.

The next round was a real work out as his blond rival took it upon himself to stay close to him as they cleared the room of monster after monster- which wouldn't have really bothered Squall all that much if it weren't for the fact that sometimes Seifer would attack him out of nowhere, calling out "healthy competition manchild, what if this were a real battlefield and I got confused'. Squall was sure he would have taken Seifer's arm off to snap him out of said confusion- if this were a real battlefield. But Squall couldn't help but think that this was a good way to exhaust him, keep him tired so that he doesn't spend another night restless, missing those muscular- yet, boney, arms around him. Besides, battling with Seifer is a lot more entertaining than watching the false smile and hearing the false cheer from the others.

It was around hour 23 that Squall and Seifer staggered tiredly into the rest area of the center, which had, over the years, been refered to as the make-out room to have a seat. The climate inside is warm and inviting compared to the battle room.

Squall drank a potion handing one over to Seifer who waved it off before pulling out a hidden can of beer. Rolling his eyes, Squall put the potion back into the box of supplies kept in the room stashed away. The brunet looks down at his hip when the vibration of his phone calls his attention.

"I wasn't doing anything like that, you know." Says Seifer out of the blue. "And you were right to think that I would rather it be you."

"Yeah right. I know what you guys were doing all day, but you're the only one who did it sincerly."

"Don't kid yourself."

"Its the only way you know how to care for people, right?" He laughs when Seifer swats a hand at him. "You'll be happy to know you can all stop because I'm not sad. I plan on waiting this whole thing out and I'm gonna do that by being just fine." Opening his phone he says. "Hello?"

"Hey darlin'," Says Irvine. "You've just been invited to a dinner on the peer with me tomorrow at ten o'clock, don't be late."

It was as if he were suddenly stabbed through with his own blade; the phone slid lifelessly from his grasp dropping noisily onto the metal floor beneath him. He's paralyzed.

"What is it now?" Seifer asks crossing his arms having had enough of his rivals teasing.

"It... its Irvine..." His voice could barely make it through his locking throat.

"What?" Picking up the phone Seifer holds it to his ear. "You prick, you've got a lot of nerve-.."

"Its a recording." Squall's voice, as soft as it was, cut through the angered male's words.

"A recording?"

Squall's body lurched forward and from his mouth a small dribble of vomit slipped out; Seifer jumped out of his skin, sickened at the sight. Getting over onto hands and knees, Squall let his meals of the day spill out of his stomach in a long stream of greenish, brownish waste.

"Fuck." Seifer said getting the male to his feet so he could cart him back to his dorm room.

Squall felt it all as he leans over the white polished toilet in his dorm room; Zell and Selphie rubbing his back, Quistis and Seifer and Rinoa are out in the room standing uncomfortably silent listening to their friend puke up his guts.

It wasn't until Squall began to scream that Irvine was gone that Quistis pinched the ex-knight on the shoulder.

"What did you say to him?"

"I didn't say shit, Kinneas said it."

"What?"

"Here. It was a message." He hands over the phone.

"So, Irvine is alive? Did he break up with Squall over the phone or something?" She listens to the message becoming even more confused. "Its an invite for a date."

"Check the date it was sent."

Looking at the phone she double takes. "December 2 last year?"

"It was a pre-set, he said the message then set the date for the message to send today." Seifer explains. "So see, I didn't do shit- and besides, Squall saw through all of you idiots anway, you weren't fooling anyone."

The two woman felt a stab of guilt at that.

"All that worrying and Irvine fucked things up himself. We should have just let him be sad." He looks in the direction of the bathroom. "He sure as hells doesn't seem so great now."

"Stop rubbing it in, Seifer, we get it." Rinoa chides.

"I don't think you do."

Unable to spew anymore of his sadness out, Squall crumples over, forehead pressed to the floor as his vomit turns to tears. "He's gone. He's gone." All the happiness he'd planned to share, the waiting he'd planned to do, all of it left him in one single flush. Irvine's not coming back. He's dead.

Irvine blinks his eyes open; the brightness in the room did nothing to clear the blur covering his vision as he looks around. Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand he gives his vision another shot. Still blurry. Damn. Something popping off and on where he's sitting caught his attetion.

"Hello?" He calls.

A chirping sound filled his ears and the bouncing thing came closer.

"A bird? Hmhm. So you're the culprit, huh? Pouncing on my chest, you woke me up, pal, thanks." He reaches out for the purplish-pink colored bird hoping to pat its head rather than ram his fingers into its face since his vision is still a little hazy.

The bird repsonded well to the petting leaning up into the hand.

Sighing heavily, Irvine looks about the fuzzy room. "Where am I?" He wonders to himself. Turning his feet out he scoots out of the bed stimbling forward. "Whoa!" Crashing hard to the floor he looks back at his fallen path in confusion. "Guess I'm not short." Rolling over onto his hands and knees he's startled as his side vision is blocked out but when he moves aside having it move with him he lets out a sigh of relief. "What the-..?" Grabbing around the side of his face he discovers the brown invader is his own hair.

He ran his hands through his matted tresses feeling that it went out a lot farther than he had expected. "Well that's new." He says to himself. Touching the rest of himself he can tell that he's wearing what feels like a nightgown. "Am I woman?" He grabs his crotch. "So, I'm a guy with long hair."

The bird chirps beside him, still on the bed.

"What is it?" He asks.

His question is answered when voices are heard beyond the door of the room.

Irvine didn't know whether he should hide or wait them out to ask questions. But his choice was made for him as the door to the room slid open. A man walks in, short, bald and... yellow? That can't be right.

"Aaa, you're awake."

"Where am I?" Irvine asks.

"You're here, in our village. Shumi is what we call it."

"Shumi?"

"You really shouldn't be out of bed. Here let me help you." He assists Irvine by holding his elbow to guide him back to the bed. "I am medic. I've come to check up on you"

"Hmhm, that's a funny name." Irvine situates himself, he wondered where his feathered friend has disappeared to.

"Shumi's go by the name of what they are best at doing. It is our way, as doing our best to receive name is natures way." The shumi smiles. "What is your given name?"

Irvine opened his mouth but then closed it. "Its right on the tip of my tongue..." He says after a moment of silence. "I... I don't know."