Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Snow Drift ❯ Isn't someone missing me? ( Chapter 13 )

Squall finished relieving himself in the toilet; he slowly washes his hands shaking them off into the sink before drying them on the hand towel hanging from the bar on the wall beside him. Heading back into the bedroom he looks down at the bed. Its dented in where he's been laying since April; its now July. Climbing into bed he stretches his legs out with a sullen sigh. Squall was sure that another round of tears would be coming on if it weren't for the fact that he was all cried out; its a wonder the backs of his eyelids aren't getting scraped by his dry eyes when he blinks.

Squall Leonhart does not grieve well. Proof of this, Ellone being taken from the orphanage when he was a young child; he stood outside every day waiting for her to come back. He was sure that she'd want to see him the moment she did, so he could not spare a second in the stone home messing around with the other kids and their games because he might miss her return, and Ellone's heart would be broken in two if she arrived without seeing that he'd waited for her.

That's the way Squall felt about things deep down. He may have become a hard ass to some but to those he cares about they know its just a shell he uses to protect himself from making a fool of himself by getting worked up from lost attachments. It was the same story with Rinoa when they'd been at Galbadia and she went into a coma-like state because a Sorceress transfered her powers into her; Rinoa's body could not take the changes and she'd gone into a deep sleep.

It was because of that the weird feelings for her prickled into this relationship that he didn't even want; it was just strange to see a girl and not instantly have a friendly or sisterly bond with her. It was because of those thoughts and feelings that Squall was so frazzled when the Esthar soldiers came to seal her new abilities away- he couldn't even remember her voice!

He wanted to hear all the weird, un-thought out things the girl had to say, he wanted to see her and let her know that he now cared about her as he did the others. Thankfully, Rinoa came back with them when they freed her. But it was strange, once she came back his feelings started to fade and he saw her as a sister and nothing more. Even Seifer's disappearance had effected him- he'd never admit it, but he was sure the male was dead and because of that he blew up on everyone when they were talking about him like he were nothing but a forgettable memory.

He imagined he'd blow up on the others if they planned on speaking about Irvine that way, which is why he could not attend the funeral; he can't deal with everyone's memories driving the word 'death' further into his picture of a very alive Irvine. But for all the good its done because look at him now. He's been in his dorm since that day in April; a zombie of his former self, not that he was all that much alive to some people, but to his friends Squall may as well have dropped off the face of the earth.

He shifts his hips when feeling a spring poking him on the butt. It amazed him how worn the mattress has gotten from him simply laying on it- granted its all the time now, instead of at night when he's ready for bed, but still he's not all that heavy. Loss must be adding weight to him because since accepting his lovers death food has scarcely found its way into his mouth, most of his movement going to the use of the bathroom and nothing more, and yet his limbs and body have been dragging and lagging along with him.

The others have been coming by; calling through the door; trying their hardest to verbally coax him out of the room and not become a hermit but he refuses to go- actually, he refuses to speak at all. So they've just been calling to him and when realizing they would not receive an answer they'd give up and go away just to try again the next week. But it remained the same situation every time. Squall does not grieve well and, honestly, he didn't see how people could. He and Irvine- though only having been dating for two years, became very close. He would tell Irvine things he's never told anyone- or has ever wanted to.

Irvine told him about the same, and kept about the same as Squall had kept. They really fit each other in some ways. If he had to pick a land slide difference it would be their speaking habits; Irvine was loud and talkative nearly all the time, whereas he is quiet with not much to say even when he does have something that he wants to say. Squall's just not good with self confidence that anyone is interested in what he has to say.

Irvine took the rooms attention, though, he never made him feel left out or alone while he worked the crowd. There would always be an arm around him or, much to his embarrassment sometimes, a hand held; Irvine was big on guidance. Always pushing someone to do something or pulling them along to join him.

Squall lifts his hand out to look at it. He never did know why Irvine held his hand that day at the parade. He, at the time, a stranger to Irvine- at least, on Squall's end Irvine was the stranger, but there it was hidden by the crowd a weird show of affection towards him.

Irvine remembered them all; Squall wondered many times if the cowboy had always liked him and just never said anything about it, and if he'd said anything about it why didn't he repeat it when he found out that they had lost their memories. Had he changed his mind? Did he hope that it would come back to him? It didn't; and he was genuinly shocked when Irvine had decided to ask him out two years ago.

His cell phone rings on the desk top; rumbling hard enough to make it bounce around, shifting from where he'd set it down. He reaches over for the phone, having had to stand to get it, he sits back down once its in his hand. Flipping it open he's not surprised at the name flashing on the small screen. Irvine.

"Hey Squall; the weather is perfect, the sun is shining. Let's rent a boat and sail out a bit. We can have a picnic on the water; I'll bring my acoustic to play for you- I might even sing a little."

Squall smiles faintly hearing that. Irvine's been saying he'd whip out his singing chops for ages and he chickens out every time with some lame excuse for each reason why he couldn't or wouldn't. His favorite being that his throat is dried out because the air is too dry.

With a voice as thick as a lake frozen solid, he replies. "I'll be there, and I'll bring something to drink since you always forget." Pressing 'send' he grips his phone tightly; his forehead dropping down onto his folded forearms resting upon his knees.

Irvine knew how easily embarrassed he could get over some things so anytime he wanted to go out on a date he would send him a pre-recorded message so that no one but Squall would hear it or know of it. It was like having their own little world when they made dates, but sometimes he'd have to remind Irvine about the date, which is why he'd begun replying to them. He could make the message in December but have it sent to Squall in September or some time. Receiving messages was also what he'd been doing since April; he wasn't about to miss a chance to hear his lover's voice again and secretly... secretly he would go out on the dates.

He wouldn't physically go, of course not, but mentally he was there. Eyes closed, a warm smile on his face, and he would let himself go. Irvine once said that a sharpshooter is a loner by nature, but he loved that the male wanted him- almost needed him at times and other times you'd think they were just friends, and not close friends at that, which would leave him seeking Irvine just as much as he was sought.

But he did wish it would get easier; he wished the pain in his chest would lessen; that his eyes wouldn't hurt so much from crying- he hasn't cried since he was a child, not a full blown cry anyway, and it gave him nasty headaches for hours but his eyes wouldn't let up. It was as if all the held in tears from his life had just decided it was a fine time to get out of that bottle he's stored his emotions into.

'Hn. Even if I did lose the sad part of mourning Irvine my body would continue to go through the loss; I may have forgotten about Ellone because of the use of G.F.'s but my locked away memories came back to me as dreams so that I could continue to be weighed down by missing her.' He looks over at the window when voices are heard in a sough. 'What day is it?' An absent wonder. Setting his phone down on the windowsill, Squall gets off the bed intending to make it up, when the door calls his attention.

"Squall! Its me Zell!" He calls through the door. "Can... Can I come in if you're not coming out? Please?"

Shoulders slumped in defeat from the sad sound in his friends voice. Maybe he should stop isolating himself from everyone. Irvine isn't going to come back just because he's showing him how sad his loss has made him. Walking over to the door he unlocks it, sliding it open for the visitor.

Shocked and relieved, since he thought this would only end in failure, Zell walks into the room; his face scrunched up in displeasure of the musty, sleepy smell in the air. "Umm, not to be rude but when was the last time you opened the window for some fresh air?" He walks over to said window tugging the blinds up then lifting the blockage of relief.

Sitting back down on his bed, Squall says tightly. "That's really polite of you."

"Hey, just keeping it honest." Pulling out the seat at Squall's desk, Zell takes a seat leaning over a bit so that his elbows are down at his knees, hands clasped together. "Squall, we're all really worried about you and we think that, maybe you should go to therapy."

"Excuse me?"

"You haven't been out of this room since April and its July now."

'July?!' Squall wondered why he hadn't felt the heat of the summer coming into his room. Maybe that's why it smells in here; his been blissfully unaware of the changing seasons and has continued wearing sweat clothes.

"We know that Irvine meant a lot to you, he meant a lot to all of us" His eyes scrunch to a bitter glare when his, disgruntled, friend scoffs. "We do. ...But we're all trying to move on and be happy. Its what Irvine would want."

"What Irvine would want is to not be dead." He hisses.

Waving his hands defensively, he tries another approach. "In his absence he would want his friends happy- isn't that what you would want if you were gone?"

"I don't know."

"See, there you go... Squall, its important that you be around. You... we're all really scared that you might do something to harm yourself."

Squall cocked an eyebrow at that. Was he really such a mental case when he lost someone? He'd never thought about hurting himself even once in all the time he's been hauled up in his room. His friends are just being overly dramatic. Hn. Not that he's one to talk- its July!

"So please... either you come out of this funk you're living in now... or you see a therapist to cope with grieving."

Squall looks into Zell's solemn gaze. He's never seen the blond this serious since the war days and that was a rare few times. Sighing, he gestures for Zell to get on with what he wants. "What do you wanna do?"

Smiling, he stands up. "Glad you're back! First we're gonna- well, first you should shower and change and then come outside with me for some good healthy activity." One fist pops atop the other. "What d'ya say?"

"Fine. But get out."

"So long as you promise not to lock the door to continue brooding."

Squall smirks in guilt. "Fine. I won't lock you out."

"Good. See you when you're done." He exits the room, closing the door after him.

Squall drops his head giving it a like shaking as he snickers. "July... I do not grieve well." Walking into the bathroom he starts the shower, running his finger over the temperature bar until the green blocks go from yellow to red he presses the button for the shower watching and waiting for the spray of water to steam up the bathroom.

Removing his shirt then pants- boxers attached, as the jeans travel down his legs to pool at his ankles. Stepping out of them he kicks them away from the shower then steps inside under the hot spray. Even as he washed quickly he can feel invisible hands, belonging to Irvine, drifting over his body as though it were the foggy steam surrounding him. He tilts his head back into the touch along his neck; beneath the water he can almost swear its being kissed gently in the same way the water is rushing over his jugular and collar bone.

Those ghostly hands join his own in his hair, scrubbing water into it madly to loosen the accumulated dirt. Adding shampoo he cleans himself from the top to down; blushing faintly as his hands would go over his lovers- at least they did in his mind. He's done this a few times- masterbation. He hardly thought it counted when he was sure the person touching was very much real and he never physically touched himself in the process of it.

He let out a sigh as the soapy rag caressed his sleepy muscles awake and by the time the final clumps of suds were cleared from his body he had to kneel down to catch his breath, both from the overheated bathroom and the images that played in his mind. Turning off the water, he exits the bathroom wrapped waist down in a towel. Freed from the haze he remembered suddenly that Zell was standing outside waiting for him. Checking the alarm clock on his desk he sees that only fifteen minutes has gone by.

Scrubbing the towel over his body he allows a little moisture in his hair since he and Zell will be going outdoors anyway, it might actually help to keep him cool. He knows how Balamb summers can be just as harsh as Balamb winters at times. Dressing in a red fitted shirt and blue boxers and dark blue jeans he opens the door nearly bumping into Zell in his departure as the male was positioned before the door doing push-ups.

Clearing his throat he nudges the martial artist in the side with the tip of his sneakered foot. "Come on."

"Whoa!" He straightens up to standing. "Seifer usually takes forty five mintes to get showered and dressed."

Squall shrugged receiving a quaint blush from the blond.

"O- okay, let's move out." He latches onto the T-Board he brought over with him then starts away with pep in his step. He can't believe Squall is really getting out of that room. Maybe he can finally get him to stop moping and come around so that he isn't so sad anymore. "Where do you wanna go? I brought my board with me, maybe we could do some of that. Do you know how?"

"No."

"That's okay, I'll teach you." Humming now, the male makes a turn towards the exit.

Squall follows silently, arms crossed over his chest. He was having severe second thoughts. T-Boarding! Zell couldn't be serious about that. But as they made it outside of the building he can tell that the athletic blond is very serious.

"Its very simple, you just" Placing the grafitti covered board down on the grass he stands on it. "place it down then stand on it; grab this little handle back here and press this button."

A puff of smoke and drabble of flame produced itself under the board before it lifts from the ground hovering. Zell couldn't control a delighted laugh as he floats above the ground on his beloved mechanism.

"And its weight sensative so all you need to do is lean in the direction that you want to go in."

He examples this by leaning forward. The board darted forward at the males command. Zell did circles around his friend with ease calling out cheers of freedom and excitement; he came to a stop before Squall with a flashy spin trick that he followed up by hopping off. Squall was unimpressed, and annoyed at the stares he's getting from cadets hanging around outside.

"You want a turn? To go fast you just have to twist the handle the ignition is on." He holds out the board a big grin on his face.

Letting out a sigh consideration he snatches the craft from the male placing it down on the grass. Stepping onto he can see the glee on his friends face that he's going to do as he asks. Pressing the button the craft jumped a bit too quickly.

"Just lean." Zell instructs as though Squall might have forgotten.

Not really wanting to be in the air he leans his weight forward and the machine darts off carrying him with it- for the most part as his feet are rocked he staggers backwards hitting the ground on his butt, hard.

Zell looked both surprised and a little like he were going to laugh. "Are you alright?" He called before dashing over.

"Stupid board, you didn't say it was hard to stay on it."

"I never noticed."

Grunting in agitation, he stands brushing the grass from his jeans. Retrieving the craft he steps onto it again, starting it up, only this time he leaned a little less forward and was rewarded by the board gliding smoothly forwards.

"That's the way!" Cheers Zell.

"Hm." Turning the handle the board jerks forward before taking off for the forest.

"H- huh? Squall! Where're you going!?" He cups his hands at his mouth. "Squall! Oh man, the others are gonna kill me if he comes back with broken limbs." Darting off after the male he has to duck as Squall shoots out of the woods and over his head. "Ahehe, I take it he's used to it now. Wait for me! I'm gonna get my spare!" He shouts but he doubts the fired up brunet heard a word he'd said.

The two were outside for hours and the sun was starting to go down when they decided to stop. Laying out in the grass, Squall stares thoughtfully up at the orange sky; the clouds drifting through it are a deep purple. Zell is sitting beside his friend, one knee bent the other out-stretched.

"Nice sunset." Comments the martial artist.

"Yeah."

"Hey, wanna know what's been going on lately? Its not the most life changing news you'll ever hear but its better than sitting in silence, right?"

"So long as I don't have to talk, sure."

"Cool." He eargerly readjusts his sitting position to a slight lean onto one arm, legs curled beside him. "Now let's see... Quistis got a invite for a date to the summer festival, by Nida- the guy won't give up on her." He laughs to himself. "Then there's Selphie, she's pumped because she's putting the whole thing together and I gotta tell ya the school doesn't look half bad. Not my choice of colors but that's summer, right?"

Squall only blinked to the comment; he hadn't noticed any decorations in the school as they were leaving, although, to be fair, he was watching the back of Zell's head as he followed him out.

"Are you gonna come to the festival? You don't have to dance or anything."

"Maybe."

"I think you should- I mean, at least do it for Selphie, she's worked so hard on it and you know she loves you to de-..." He had to bite his words back as they were definitely the wrong choice of words to say to someone who's grieving a lost loved one. "Anyway, Rinoa and me signed up for yoga at the gym but we can only go in our free time. She'll be back from her mission Thursday, if you wanna ask her to the festival."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because its a nice gesture." He grins with an air of being up to nothing. "Aaand Seifer's become a bottom now- can you believe it!"

"I wanna see it."

Taken aback the blond asks. "See what?"

"Irvine's grave."

Zell made a small sound in the back of his throat. He really didn't think the matter would come up, he was supposed to distract him from that- hell, he thought that he had! Scratching the back of his head nervously, he clears his throat. "Why would you wanna do that?"

"You don't have to come with me." Squall says; a far away look in his dual colored eyes.

"I... I should go with you."

"Because I'll kill myself- tch. Don't patronize me Zell... I just... I just wanna see it."

Zell was very unsure about that being a good idea, but he couldn't very well say no- it'd be rude! So standing up he brushes off the back of his shorts, then brushes off his hands before reaching out to help the male up from the grass. Squall looks at the offered hand, sitting up he took a hold of it; he didn't need it but he could tell that maybe Zell did. Irvine was Zell's best friend, it can't be easy for him having his second banana gone either. And yet, he's holding up alright.

'That's unfair to say, I don't know Zell in his private time. But still, he can put up a better face than me.' Tapping his hand against his side he gestures with his other hand for Zell to lead the way.

"We're walking?"

"I don't see why not, its only twenty minutes away- we'll run, it'll go quicker." With that he took off without looking back.

"Wait for me!" He dashes off after the male. The others were going to kill him.

...

Squall looks down at his lovers headstone; kind and short words were chiseled into it: Kind and Brave, loved and loving. He will be missed. Swallowing hard, he can feel tears sting his eyes from where he was sure they had dried up. But they spilled from his eyes without fail and he dropped heavily to his knees, arms wrapping around the warm stone. "I'm sorry I didn't visit you." He managed to get out before completely falling apart with sobs and cries.

Zell stands behind the male, unsure of what to do. Does he hold him? or does he let him have this private moment? Choosing the former he takes a few steps forward to place a hand onto Squall's shoulder; if the brunet turned around for a hug, he'll give it to him but if he doesn't at least he knows that he's not alone.

Zell used to come, but... eventually he stopped as it became too sad. Irvine's not even down there, he's just speaking to a peaceful gesture. Tears well in his own eyes; maybe he's gonna need some of that offered comfort as well. Wrapping his arms around Squall's back he lets his tears fall from his eyes.

Irvine rubs his sleepy eyes. He's been in the work shop all day making tiny wooden statues to be shipped to who knows where. He found that the Shumi's did do a few things for a bit of profit, other things they did only for the pleasure.

"How are things going Karver?" Asks Sculptor placing his large hands onto the humans shoulders.

"Last one." He can't hide the sleepy tone in his voice.

"Wonderful! You work very fast."

"Thanks." He takes a single slice from the statues antler then holds it up. "Done. You like it?"

"Its brilliant work as usual. Shumi's have never had such a skill as yours, as you can see our large hands make it very tough to make such intricate cuts and designs."

"That's okay, you can have me as long as you want me." He grins.

Sculptor smiles warmly at the male. He's become just a favorited dear to the tribe, and because of his skills has earned the name Karver, with a 'K' due to the initials found on the clothes he had arrived in. His first name, though rarely used, is Imari meaning a multicolored Japanese porcelean given by his unusual looks compared to their own. I.K. all cut and dry.

"I sense you're restlessness, you may go off to bed now if you'd like."

Nodding, Irvine stands.

"Although, if you could go to the front gate and get some shadow stone that would be wonderful. We have to apply the eyes to the animals and we're out."

"No problem."

Leaving the work shop he can't help but yawn into his palm. Living here is wonderful; he doesn't what kind of life I.K. had but it can't compare to this one. Its like living off the land without really doing it. He gets meals- granted he'd like a nice juicy steak sometimes he's surprisingly learned to live without it and other meat. He wondered numorous times about fish being acceptable, though, but never gets around to asking about it. Work is long and laboring but he's happy to do it.

These people saved his life- he didn't even know it was on the line but here he is among people- well, life that wants him to stick around. He a perfect stranger. Even the Shumi's that were apprehensive at first treat him as though he were one their own. The only real complaint he has is the cold. He is not a cold person and rarely ventures outside because of that; he's even taken to wearing the jeans he'd washed up on shore with under his robes for extra warmth.

Getting onto the elevator he takes a seat waiting out the ride. He can already feel a slight chill in his bones as he reaches the surface of the dome. He didn't know how the guards did it. Bowing his head to the four men standing before their valued product; they bow back stepping aside for him.

"I just need a bit." He explains knowing he doesn't really have to.

Stooping down he takes a small pick to uplift some of the shadow stone from the ground where its formed. A large hunk of onyx stone lifts into his grasp, bits of brown and white show through the dark clear surface. It reminded Irvine a bit of sunglasses- he once had this really gaudy pair and wore it to the beach with-...

"Mmm." He grunts, a hand coming up to his forehead.

The four men look a bit concerned but Irvine waves it off. It happened sometimes, the pains in his head. It scared the Shumi a bit but Elder said it must be his memory returning to him. Irvine thought his memories were pretty cheap if that were the case because he only ever saw little things and there were never any people around him. What was up with that? Was he a very lonely person? The thought bothered him at night sometimes, he wondered about how he'd gotten in the water in the first place. Was he trying to commit suicide? Was he that kind of person? It bugged him to think so, but then he couldn't dwell too much on it when he's so happy now, right?

"See you guys around." He waves his goodbye when his minds ceased its spinning.

"Good night Karver." The man say out of sync.

Dropping off the stone for the sculptors, Irvine then walked about for a bit longer to let Pal stretch out his wings. The bird normally flew about the village, minding its own business, causing no trouble so the tribe didn't mind it but other times he'd stay in his bedroom. So Irvine would have to take him out for a work out. The barbie-sized bird perches on his owners shoulder when he enters the room; tapping Irvine on the side of the head with its beak as a means to say 'hello'.

"How have you been? You didn't go all over everything did you?"

The bird made a low skrawk as if to say it would never do something like that. Irvine laughed petting it atop its head.

"I know you wouldn't. Just checking." Taking off his robes, he changes into his pajamas, which are just another pair of robes only with different colors. "You wanna go out for a walk?" Receiving two pops to the side of the head he nods heading for the exit.

The night air is always warm, comfortable and hugging. It could knock you clean out to sleep if you were to lay down for even a minute. No stars though. He watches the shumi's as they pass by going to where they need to go or to home. Pal left his shoulder to retrieve a frog from the lake, bringing it back between its talons it drops the writhing amphibian onto the dirt pinning it down before digging in. Irvine watched with envy.

"You think I should ask about the fish thing too, huh?" He takes a seat on the ground, knees drawn up, arms hang loosely upon them. "You know what else I'm thinking about doing? Going out on deliveries- I know I don't like the cold but, surely, they have a way to get passed that. I wanna see the world a little bit."

The bird eyes his owner making quick chirps while continuing to pick at its dinner.

"Don't be mad, I'll take you with me of course." He laughs.

He's never seen a jealous animal before- of course he's never known many animals that he can recall. Pulling his knees in closer he wraps his arms around them, resting his chin upon them. Secretly, he wondered if there were any one out there... missing him. Hn. If he did throw himself into the water, he highly doubted he were missed.

Smiling suddenly, he holds his arm out. "Come on, I'm exhausted. I'll bring your dinner with us." He scoops the mangled frog into his hand; Pal hops up his extended arm until it reaches its favorite resting place. "Yeah, I should stop worrying about it. Things here are great and i wouldn't trade it for anything." Receiving a happy sound of birdy-cheers he laughs walking them back to their home.