Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Snow Drift ❯ Decisions, decisions ( Chapter 14 )

July 20th

Balamb Garden was beautifully decorated for the summer festival that stretched into Balamb town which its parked next to. The ramp is lowered on the port to allow civilians to come and go into the place as they please- though they have to be cleared, but its mostly a minor precaution. Streamers hang from homes, balloons are tied to anything in sight and since this is a party by Selphie we're talking about, it has a touch of little to large suns hidden here and there for the participants to count and guess how many there are to win prizes. Anyone willing to celebrate summer while still finding time to look out for hidden suns can grab a card from a small dispenser, that used to hold tickets for some function or another, and with a pen make little marks upon it or simply write the answer down with their name and turn it in by the end of the festival. The prizes range from really nice to trinketish, earrings or electronics to silly things like flashing yo-yo's or hand-crafted things. As cheesy as the idea was the whole town was having a ball; loud music blasted from a speaker coming from the Garden, things that anyone could dance to whether you're old or young.

"Get back here Sabastian!" Calls a mother as her silly son dashes about the crowd of towners.

Quistis smiles sympathetically at the woman who passes by her to go after her child. She knows what handfuls are like, she had a large kid to look after once. Speaking of, she wonders where Seifer is. Out of all her friends he's the only one she hasn't seen yet. He must still be in Garden. Ducking her head from an oncoming sway of rainbow colored balloons, the attendant spots Selphie giggling as a boy she's seen once or twice hands a stuffed pig to her. Walking over to the girl the boy blushes deeply before finding his way away from the two girls. Bravery alone is one thing, but few men are brave when faced with a crowd.

"What a weirdo, right?" Says Selphie. "He has to know my heart is with Sir Laguna." Though she craddles the stuffed animal lovingly.

Shaking her head, Quistis lays a hand on the girls shoulder. "Honey, let that ship sail."

"Whaat? It could happen... a long, tidious night, I'll be older and he'll think of me." She smiles as though it were a fact rather than prayer to Hyne.

"Note the key word 'old', Selphie he'll only become older as well." She begins to walk along side the, now, moving girl. "He's fiifty nine, isn't he?"

"Is he?" Selphie twist her mouth up. "He doesn't look a day over twenty seven."

"Give or take a well placed deep wrinkle."

"Why are you being so negative; can't you tell when a girl is dreaming happily." A soft laugh escapes her mouth. "Beep beep." She pops the pig to Quistis's nose. "You seen Squall? I tried looking for him but I haven't seen him anywhere around. Its getting late and I know how much he likes fireworks."

"I haven't seen him. Did you check the dorms?"

"Yup. He wasn't there."

"Then I haven't the slightest idea."

Passing a booth, the two wave their hands to a man who offers them something sweet to drink from a selection of sodas, juices, and iced teas. Three kids run screaming by with balloons bouncing violently behind them as their strings get tugged with the child they're floating behind.

"I can't believe he spent so much time locked up in his room... You think he'll be all right, don't you?"

Quistis could only suck in her bottom lip offering at least to think about the question. "Irvine was very special to Squall, so there's a good chance it'll take up to a full year before Squall starts to act like the Squall we've come to know; it'd be wise not to pressure him to come out of his shell too much."

"I know." Selphie frowns a second. "I just wish losing people was easier. I still think about Irvine too, he was fun to be around and Matron was right, he was always quick to help someone." Stopping her pace to nowhere, her head lowers. "I can't help but think that if one of us had gone on that mission with him then... then he would be alright."

"I don't know if it would have mattered... he had a full, experienced, squad with him but they were helpless to the matter and we would have been as well."

"Quistis is right." Squall says.

Both girls look as though they'd just been blasted in the face with ice water. They had no idea that they were being listened to, by Squall especially. Unsure of what to say or do they only stare waiting for the explosion or the downfall.

"The place looks really nice Selphie, you did a good job decorating."

"Mm..." She made a sound in her throat before the words actually came out. "Thank you."

Looking between the two of them, he smiles- another frightening sight as Squall never usually offers up even the smallest smile unless something is really, uncontrollably, pleasent to him. "You guys can relax, I feel... a little better about it all."

"Really?" Selphie eased her frightened expression into a smile. "That's good! I missed you so much." She throws her arms around the male's hips, resting her head against his chest.

"Really. I... I don't know, spending the day with Zell made me feel a little foolish for just ditching you guys because I was upset." He looks to Quistis since Selphie's face is burried in his chest. "I've been selfishly grieving alone when you guys are upset too; we should be helping each other through the pain."

Nodding, the blonde smiles herself. "That's right."

"I'm just hurt, though, I... I didn't go to Irvine's funeral and I never once visited the cemetery. He must think I'm a real ass."

"He wouldn't!" Selphie removes herself from the male she considers a brother. "He knows you, almost better than we do, or you do... he knows that you'll need time. But you did go?"

"Yeah." He whispers; eyes shading as he recalls what happened after.

3 days later Laguna Loire was able to leave the presidential palace to visit his son. Squall had a meltdown after returning from the cemetery; he told Zell that he wanted to be left alone then went insane. He broke things, cursed, cried, punched walls- everything! But most of all he hated... he hated deeply and seriously. And in those three days that he'd waited for Laguna, Squall Leonhart hated Irvine Kinneas. He hated the way the bastard walked into his life all smiles and smug, as if, he were trying to show him up with cool demeanor; to top it all off he hit on the girls making trips very uncomfortable since he had to play the bad guy and babysit the creep. He hated that stupid cocky smile, and that confident way he just would say whatever the hell he wanted without consequence. Guys like him are- well, guys like him are Seifer, actually, but even Seifer has enough humanity in him to not get into people's hearts while slapping them in the face at the same time. He lets you know right off the bat what he wants or expects of you and gives you absolutely nothing in return, anything you feel towards him becomes your own fault but not Irvine; he gets inside of you and holds you close making you feel so loved and so wanted just to do something stupid to let you down- hard. He refers to anyone with some sweet little refrence 'darlin', 'little missy', 'shorty', 'partner' never once thinking that giving people nicknames might actually sting a little when they're easily dropped onto someone else when they're actually meant only for you. He continues to flirt with women, though, he's clearly going out with a man. The key thing being that he's with someone! But does Irvine care? No. And does Squall say anything about it? No. Because that damned bastard and his broken little cats smile melts any bit of anger he's managed to summon towards the male into nothing. And Squall hates Irvine's eyes. They're always looking at him with love but there's something missing; every single time they lay in bed together and talk Irvine will look at him asking silent questions or giving silent pleas and yet, he refuses to tell you whats on his mind- although, true, he, Squall, is also guilty of that he at least has a clear cut reason for it and doesn't hide the fact that he likes to keep things to himself if he can help it.

But after all the rage and anger he found himself crying once again; laying on his bed stomach down, arms folded under the pillow he's laying his head on and he just shut off. He was almost ready to fire a shot through the door when he heard a knock. But Laguna called through it to let Squall know that it was him.

"Come in." His voice said no louder than it could go but luckily the man heard and let himself into the room.

Squall remained lying down, remained silent for a good hour. Laguna remained silent as well, though, he's sitting in the seat at the broken male's desk; hands clasped together, head dipped, waiting for Squall to tell him why he'd called him there. Truthfully, he was just happy that his son had called him, made contact. He knew what it was about, it could only be one thing really. But wanted to wait out Squall telling him rather than just jumping in to try to make it better. Oh he's never been any good at waiting. Standing from the seat, he gets before the bed.

"Sorry."

Before Squall can figure out what the man is sorry for he feels the bed dip in where Laguna has taken a seat and once the man is situated he lays his head and shoulders right down on his back. Squall growls as a warning, for all the good it did though because Laguna only separates his hands as a shrugged apology.

"If you're gonna lie around through this than so am I." He explains gently. Swallowing he asks in a sincere tone. "This is about Irvine, isn't it?"

Squall sniffled. He has no tears only the raw, heavy feeling of sadness in his body but he nods; face to the wall so Laguna can't see him.

"Where are you?"

Squall seemed to curl in on himself at the question; Laguna felt the tension through his son's back, regardless how little he physically moved.

"Anger, huh?" Laguna huffs out a laugh. "I spent a little time in anger, that's for sure. Everytime I woke up and remembered how I missed out on the love of my life I was angry; and though I knew that her absense in my life wasn't her fault at all, I just couldn't stop being angry at her. I wanted- revenge! Emotional revenge for the way her absense left me feeling. I was sad all the time, and that song just kept playing on the radio- especially after she passed away. It was damn hard to forget about her and that one night we'd spent together in the hotel room."

Squall can feel little wet dots cooling his back from Laguna's escaping tears after having opened an old wound.

"You may not know this, but I went back to her room that night and we... well, you know. I felt so stupid for talking her ear off when I'd finally gotten to meet her, I wanted to apologize and it just sort of happened."

Squall then wondered if that were some sort of confession to how he'd ended up in an orphanage. But he didn't question it.

"The worst part for me is that the next day, when Ward and Kiros and I left we ran into some trouble and I got hit on the head and lost my memory; I would hear Julia's song playing on the radio and it always seemed so familiar to me but the woman that I was staying with kept me from learning about her until the very last moment. I was so happy, I thought- this is my chance! I'm going to be brave and confess my love to her and marry her... I found out that Julia was already married to another man and I was angry all over again; but then I found out that she'd waited for me; the song she sang was a song for me- like her way of making contact, but I was kept from it... and I lost her... then she gave birth and she died... I was mad at the world, and I was mad at Julia for not trying harder to find me- I had amnesia! I didn't know what was going on or where I was... I only had that small glimmer of who I used to be and that song trying to jog my memory."

"I have Irvine's hat." Squall says quietly. "He would see me in the hall sometimes and he'd..." His voice breaks. "He would put it on my head and pop it down tight." He'd shake his head as a smile comes to his mouth. "He'd never say anything about it, nothing more than doing it and continuing his conversation with whomever he was with at the time."

Laguna chuckles. "Don't you hate it when they leave you with little things."

"Yes. ...I've been wearing it sometimes but... its not the same without him putting it there, though."

"And you hate him for that too."

Nodding he releases a dry sob.

"But once the anger passes, once the reminders stop haunting you, you realize that you can make it- unless denial hasn't hit you yet, but since you didn't show for the funeral I think it already has. And as the stages wander in and out of you and no more bargains can be made of when you'll feel better and when you won't, you'll see that you really are beginning to feel better."

"How? How do I live without him? It takes me so long to fully let people in and not feel like at some point I'm gonna get screwed over by them and then he does this- how can it get better for me?"

"You find outlets. I chose traveling, writting... anything that would allow me to feel for it what I felt for her. Julia, like myself, loved to travel- she told me that- but she couldn't do it as much as she liked. And for me, writting about the places that I've been is like, I'm telling her the stories of where I've been so that in a sense she can be there too." He smiles. "I leave magazines for her magazines everytime I get a story published."

Squall thinks silently about the things that make him feel alive and things that made him feel Irvine.

"Do you have anything like that, Squall?"

A smile came to his face and he turned his head meeting his father's green gaze. "He loved those damned birds." He chuckles softly. "They always amazed him for some odd reason. ...He's always joking about this and that," The more he speaks the further away his new found anger slithers. "but the thing that always made me smile about Irvine is how much he cared for people- general company; he didn't even care whose, just so long as someone was there."

And it hit Squall like a smack in the face. Tilting his head to the side a bit, Laguna asks.

"Hm? What is it?"

"Can you get up," He starts to shift on the bed. "there's something that I have to do."

Sitting up the president says. "Sure, but what are you doing?" He watches as his son grabs his boots from under the bed.

"I'm gonna take your advice and remember Irvine by doing what he loved to do ...I'm gonna be there for someone."

...

"Come on Squall, let's win some prizes." Selphie takes his hand steering him to a booth.

He allowed her to do this since it wouldn't kill him to tag along with the excited girl; He just hopes that his news later won't break all their hearts. It took him a very long time to come to terms with what all must be done to do what it is that he has to do, but in the end it would be for the better- not just for him, but for everyone involved.

"Have you seen Seifer and Zell?"

Selphie releases his hand grabbing a watergun taking aim at a clown with a balloon nose. "Nope. They're probably inside Garden since they're nowhere out here- knowing Zell he's pigging out on the all-you-can-eat hotdog buffet." She giggles at the thought of a puffed up Zell saying that he shouldn't have gone in for that last one as he rubs his over-sized stomach.

"Do you need them for something?" Asks Quistis. "I can go locate them for you."

"No, its fine. Let's just enjoy the festival." He grabs a gun, as well, taking a seat beside Selphie.

Zell arched his back from the mattress; breaths coming in and out of him in ragged huffs of air. His thighs were actually starting to hurt from the sheer strength from the back of his lovers thighs slapping against his lap. It amazed Zell for a moment how, even when on top, he's on the bottom but upon opening his eyes he sees the beauty that is Seifer Almasy hunched over him, darkened over, warmth coloring his face a bit, well-managed hair a complete mess of long strands hanging forward. Covered, almost like a cave, within his lovers massive form Zell lets out a deep groan; knee bending as his thigh tenses with a shockwave of pleasure coursing through his veins. He wants so badly to run his hands over his lovers smooth, yet, toned torso but his wrist are pinned and his arms are over his head.

The two slipped away from the festivities for an hour to get some alone time. Its been a while for them both and the mood just took over. Zell moans loudly, back at a curve when Seifer's muscular thighs tense at his sides clenching them securely between them. The taller blond raised his hips up wordlessly telling Zell to buck up into him. The shorter male complied, thrusting his hips up into his lover. Seifer tilts his head back in a groan, and releases one of Zell's hands to watch and feel the martial artist as he jerks him off with his strong, nimble, hands.

Seifer snickers through a pant that, though Zell's hand is wrapped around his length, with the way he's bucking up into his body while jerking him off it looks as though the shorter male is pleasuring himself.

Outside of the room Rinoa walks up to the door but pauses before knocking when she hears the sounds coming from the other side- amazingly though, because the music from the loudspeaker is much louder in the school than in town. If she'd known that that is what the two men were up to she would have waited a little longer or delayed her searching of the dorms by a good few minutes more. By the sound of the two men it would have only taken them that few minutes to wrap it up. She caught up with the others outside after coming from the Quad where she had been socializing and dancing, having a few snacks and playing a few games; but the four of them had decided to have dinner together but they were missing two people so Rinoa volunteered to find them. She couldn't help but wonder if Squall would be embarrassed if He had been the one to find them. Men seem more proud of each other in these situations than a woman.

When the pants slowed down; she sucked in her nerves then knocked on the door. "Seifer! Zell!?" She had to make it sound as though she'd just walked up or she'd never stop blushing. "Are you guys in there?! Its me Rinoa!" Listening, she can hear the two scrambling about the room in a hurry. That only made her blush deepen but she tried very hard to school it away.

"J-just a minute Rin'! We're coming!" Called Zell through the door.

It took a good few minutes before the door opened revealing the two blond's of the group. Smiling sweetly, she waves a hand.

"We're gonna have pizza together and Squall has something important to tell us so I came to find you" She laughs nervously. "I found you."

Zell laughs as well but his is more of 'aren't you cute' laugh. "We were just... you know, trying to escape the chaos."

Walking past his boyfriend, Seifer says with a roll of his eyes. "She knows what couples do when the door is locked, Dincht, let's just get this meeting over with so we can get back to it."

Rinoa has to give Seifer points for having no shame as both she and Zell lit up like a red bulb, hers a little more than his when the shorter blond had the guts to say.

"Again?" Before following after his tormenting love.

'I've got to make friends that are a little more discreet.' Thinks the young woman.

The three meet with Squall, Selphie, and Quistis outside under a tent that covers six large picnic tables that have blue checkered table clothes covering them and, thankfully, a cheap cushion covering the full length of the wooden bench.

"There you guys are," Says Selphie as if the two had chose to walk up at that time rather than their being found by Rinoa. "we didn't wanna start without you. Look! Squall's here!" She points out the male.

"I wondered what that creepy looking statue was beside Trepe." Seifer takes a seat on the other side of the lion. "Are you feeling better now Princess? I notice you haven't been around the Garden halls since you went out with

Dinky, don't tell me its because you back pedaled again- that's so weak."

"Seifer." Hissed Quistis, who's across from him.

The male shrugged. "If you didn't want me to say anything smart you should have cut me off before I finished."

"Seifer's got a point." Says Squall- much to everyone's surprise.

Smiling, the male says. "See, even Leonhart agrees."

"To what?" Asks Quistis.

"Okay you two! Retreat to neutral corners." Says Zell. "Hyne, you two are starting to verbal fight more than Seifer does with Squall."

"You're right, I'm sorry Seifer. I'll try to keep myself more composed to your antics."

"Thank you." He grins triumphantly at his victory.

"Ahaha, I'll get the pizza's but I'm only making one trip so you'd better say something if you want anything specific." Selphie pulls her legs from under the table, standing up.

"Meat," Says Seifer. "and lots of it."

"Umm, can you get extra cheese and mushrooms?" Requests Rinoa sweetly.

The others didn't really care either way.

"Back in a sec'." Dashing away she parts her way to the middle of the line.

Leaning an elbow on the table, Seifer cocks his head to see his rivals face as he speaks. "So what's this news you have to tell us, anyway? And it'd better be good because I'm wasting a lot of good quality time with Zell to be here for it."

Squall only spared the male a glance. He wasn't going to say anything until Selphie got back and he remains quiet while waiting.

"Here we are." Announces the spunky girl; Selphie managed to carry four trays back with her, one tray held in each hand and another one tray resting on her short arms. She looked like she were ready to topple over any minute.

"Hold on." Zell gets up from the table snagging the two from the girls arms setting them down on the table. "There you go, Sel'." He sits back down.

"Thank you Zell." She giggles. Setting her trays down, she takes her seat as well.

The seven grab a few slices digging into delicious bite after bite; all silently wondering when Squall is going to tell them what he has to say. Squall couldn't help taking his time eating but after the third slice was nearly finished he sets it down then clears his throat to get their, already perked, attention.

"You guys... I've quit Garden."

There was silence.

"...Did you hear me?"

They nodded in a mechanical fashion that they heard the devistating news.

"Does Matron know?" Selphie asks.

Nodding, Squall says. "I told her that I can't be a part of the military anymore- not as commander anyway."

"But why!?" Zell can't believe his ears. What is Squall thinking?!

"Yeah, how can you be so stupid? We're the best gunblade weilders in the whole damned school" Complains Seifer. "Who the hell am I gonna spar with now?"

Squall shrugs. "Seifer you and I can still spar, it's not like I'm going off to die or anything. I've just decided that I need to live a safer life... since I'm going to be raising Kait."