Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ The one I wanted ❯ Part 3 ( Chapter 3 )

"The one I wanted"

Part 3

Squall hardly noticed the mild hangover he woke up with. His groan was one of regret and embarrassment as the events of the previous evening came crashing into his aching head.

~ Irvine…I kissed you. And you ran away like the whole Galbadian fleet was on your tail. What have I done? You're never going to speak with me again, are you? ~

But, the kiss had been amazing-heavenly. The fear that he was dead inside was gone, at least, because when Squall pressed his mouth against the sharpshooters, all those feelings that he heard others talk about and read about in books were his to savor. His heart had pounded painfully, his body had tingled, and his blood felt like molten lava in his veins. He wondered if Rinoa had ever felt like that when she kissed him.

~ So that's it. I'm gay. And I want a guy that's not interested in me in the least. ~

Squall sighed heavily and sat up, rubbing his temples to soothe the pounding in his head. He would apologize to Irvine, make some kind of excuse. At least he got the chance to experience that feeling, if only once. He looked over at the cowboy hat that was still resting on his table, then at the leather trenchcoat that was slung carelessly over the chair.

~ I really scared the hell out of you, didn't I, Kinneas? But, why did you kiss me back? Was that just an impulse? Are you just attuned to responding to kisses like that, or did you forget who was kissing you for a minute? ~

Whatever the reason, Squall shivered as he recalled the feel of Irvine's lips against his, and the way he had returned the caress of his tongue with his own and sucked gently. He wondered if Irvine had ever kissed Selphie before. The sniper was a hell of a kisser, as he had demonstrated, and Squall found it hard to believe that anyone could turn the man down after feeling his mouth against theirs.

Squall's thoughts were interrupted as the intercom chimed merrily. Headmaster Cid's voice spoke in firm tones over the speaker system. "Attention, Commander Leonhart. Report to my office as soon as possible. That is all."

Squall groaned and shook his head. He didn't like the tone of Cid's voice. It was the kind that the man typically used when he had grave news to impart. Had Irvine told him what happened last night? Squall didn't remember ever reading anything in the code that forbade homosexuality in the ranks of SeeD, but he only found out what he was yesterday. Even if there was something against it in the rules and regulations, he might not have noticed it before, because he never knew he was gay. Was he going to get discharged?

~ No. Irvine wouldn't have said anything to anyone about that. He was too freaked out over it, and letting anyone know that he had allowed another guy to stick his tongue in his mouth would have made him look gay, too. He'd protect his reputation, at all costs. ~

These thoughts should have made Squall feel better, but they only made him feel worse. What was he thinking, to experiment on the most notorious womanizer in all the Gardens? Irvine would never admit to feeling something, even if he had.

~ Quistis. I'll bet Quistis made good on her threats and reported my drinking habits. ~

He should be angry, but he wasn't. A part of him hoped that Quistis had reported him. He wouldn't be discharged over bad drinking habits-Cid would likely put him on some sort of probation and forbid him from taking part in any SeeD missions until he cleared his head. Squall actually welcomed the vacation.

There was no use in standing around wondering about it. He decided to have a quick shower, so that he didn't go into Cid's office smelling like a bar. After all, the Headmaster had said; "As soon as possible," and not; "Immediately." He must have realized that Squall would need a few moments to pull himself together.

~***************************~

"At ease."

Squall relaxed his poise and regarded his superior mildly as Cid paced back and forth in front of him.

"I'll get right to the point, Squall. I didn't call you here to brief you on a mission or send you out on an errand." Cid sighed and stopped, and his business-like expression faded. He now looked at the young commander with the careworn, lined face of a parental figure that was worried about one of their children. "I've heard some disturbing rumors about you lately, and I wanted to give you a chance to discount them…or explain your reasons."

Squall nodded curtly, looking straight ahead as he was supposed to. "I gathered as much, Sir."

"Look at me," came the soft response.

Squall closed his eyes for a moment, and then he complied. Cid had become like a father to him over the years-albeit a strict one. The worry and disappointment in the older man's gaze shook him.

"Squall, have you been out drinking heavily every night? I've heard students say you've passed out on the floor of the dorm hallways and in the nightclub. I discounted them at first, because I thought you had more sense than that. However, the rumors keep coming, and I'm in a position where I can't ignore them anymore. Is there any truth to these allegations?"

Squall nodded and frowned, feeling suddenly as though he was going to cry. "It's true, sir."

Cid sighed again and pushed his square glasses up on his nose. "I see. Can you give me an explanation?"

Squall shook his head. "I have no excuse, sir. I just lost control."

Cid studied him for a few moments, a thoughtful expression on his face. "You look tired, son."

Squall began to tremble, and he swore savagely at himself for the weakness. He held onto control somehow, and he shrugged in what he hoped was a casual gesture. "I've had a lot on my mind, sir. I'll be fine, with some rest."

Cid nodded. "Rest…yes. I think it would be for the good of everyone, yourself included, if you took some time off. I feel partially responsible for your issues, Squall. I've put so much responsibility on your young shoulders, because you've always given me the impression that you were invincible. You're the most capable soldier I've got. I'm not willing to lose that, so I'm going to temporarily demote you, and put you on Garden arrest. You can't leave Balamb Garden or participate in any military activities, until I'm satisfied that you can return to your normal duties." He raised his eyebrows. "Do you have any objections to this?"

"No sir. I understand."

Cid almost smiled. He knew Squall well enough to see the relief that the young man was trying to hide. He thought that if brunette were a more open person, he might collapse into a weeping heap on the floor, by now. "Very good. If you feel that you must leave this base, you are to report to me and explain your reasons. Should I find them sufficient, I'll assign an officer to escort you to your destination and back. Otherwise, you are to remain here. I trust that you'll spend this time resting and thinking about where you want to go, rather than in the bar."

"Yes sir. Thank you, sir."

~*********************~

Squall was surprised to find Irvine lounging outside of his dorm when he returned. The sharpshooter had his arms crossed over his chest, and one leg was crossed over the other. He was leaning against the wall and looking down. His rich hair was pulled back in the customary ponytail, but the sides weren't long enough to be pulled back with the rest, and they fell forward and hid his face as he stared at the floor. Winter was coming, so the young sniper wore a dark green turtleneck. Today, he was wearing faded blue jeans, and damned if they didn't hug those long legs. He still wore his cowboy boots. Squall grinned. No matter what attire Irvine chose, he always managed to sneak something of his rustler outfit into it…and he always looked good.

Squall was annoyed to feel his heart beat faster as he approached. The realization that he was gay hadn't startled him as much as he would have expected it to, but then, he had begun to suspect that there was something out of the ordinary happening with him long ago. A part of him had always been prepared to learn something of the sort.

~ Damn, he looks good. I wonder if he has to practice posing, to always look so relaxed and…and…sexy. ~

Squall told himself to shut up, and he came to a stop in front of the taller young man. "Hey."

Irvine jerked his head up, apparently so deep in thought that he hadn't heard the SeeD approach. "Hey. You feeling any better today?" His eyes were friendly and worried, but Squall could see the uncertainty lurking behind them.

"Yeah…I was pretty drunk. I…don't remember much."

Irvine nodded and scratched his head. "Cool. I mean, it's cool that you feel better. I left my hat and jacket in your room." He flushed lightly and averted his eyes; clearly unwilling to mention why he left his precious accoutrements behind.

"They're right where you left them. I'll get them."

"I need to talk to you," Irvine said in a hushed whisper as Squall started to open the door.

Squall groaned inwardly.

~ Here it comes…he's going to tell me he's sorry, but he doesn't like me that way, and he's going to look at me with pity in those gorgeous eyes…and I'm going to beat the hell out of him for daring to feel sorry for me ~

"Can't it wait? I was just going to grab my jacket and head to the cafeteria for lunch."

Irvine shook his head and kept his eyes lowered. "No, it can't wait. Cid asked me to go on a retrieval mission with Quisty and Zell. We're leaving in a half hour."

"Retrieval mission? What are you retrieving?" He shouldn't ask, but he couldn't help it. A part of him wanted to go with them… just to make sure they didn't screw anything up, of course.

"Nothing too special. Someone's holding the mayor of Dollet's little girl for ransom. We're supposed to follow him when he meets the kidnappers to give them what they demand. I can't tell you more than that…I'm sorry."

Squall smirked. "I understand. I think I get what your part is going to be in all this, too."

Irvine blew a sigh and nodded, looking none-too-happy about it. There was a price to pay for being the best sharpshooter available. He was often forced to hide in the background and be ready to assassinate someone, without them ever seeing him or knowing the danger. Suddenly, Squall felt very sorry for him. Irvine was a nice guy, not a murderer. He loved guns, and he was good with them. The hand that fate had dealt him was cruel. His talents made him needed in less wholesome areas than he would like.

"Let's not talk about that. Come in and have a seat," Squall said gently.

Irvine looked at him, surprised by the tone of his voice. "Sympathy? From you?"

"I'm not made of stone. I understand you've got your own demons to fight. Come on."

Irvine slowly followed him into the dorm, and Squall was surprised when the sharpshooter closed the door behind him. He would have thought the taller boy would leave it open for a quick escape.

~ No, that's not Irvine's style. ~ He corrected himself, ~ He might get unsure of himself sometimes, but once he's got his mind made up about something, he doesn't run away. ~

Squall picked up the jacket and hat and handed them to their owner, and Irvine put them on silently, then stood there looking at Squall for a few moments. Finally, the sniper spoke. "I just wanted you to know, Quistis didn't report you to Cid. She wanted to give you more time to settle things on your own."

Squall hadn't been expecting that. "So you've already heard about my demotion?"

"Yeah. At least, I guessed it was coming. Word hasn't gotten out, yet, but early this morning, Cid had Xu come and get all of us. He asked us about the rumors going around about you, and said that he wanted to hear from your friends before calling you in."

Squall winced. "I suppose by `us' you mean Rinoa, too?"

"Yeah…sorry, man. I think he would have just stuck with asking the real SeeDs and might have left both Rinoa and me out of it, if he wasn't so worried about it. He didn't tell us what his plans were, but he asked us all to tell him what we thought of your behavior lately."

"What did you say?' Squall's pewter eyes were staring straight into Irvine's, leaving the sniper no doubt of what the real question was.

Irvine shrugged. "I said I thought you just had too much weight to carry, and it's been getting to you. I still think you can do your job in spite of that…you've always been strong, that way. I let him know that, too."

Squall's eyebrows rose. "You didn't tell him about what I did last-"

"Hell, no!" Irvine blushed hotly and shook his head. "Besides, you didn't do anything, Squall. You were drunk and hurting and thinking about Rinoa. It was an accident…could happen to anyone." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself of that as much as Squall.

"Anyone, huh? So you really think I mistook you for Rinoa?"

"I dunno…maybe you just needed someone and you weren't thinking straight. I'm…I'm not mad at you, or anything."

"If I had done that sober, would you feel the same way?"

Irvine frowned at him. "But, you wouldn't have done that if you were sober." Before Squall could answer, Irvine lifted his arm and glanced at his watch. "Well, I've gotta go. Quisty's gonna rip me a new one if I'm late. Hey, don't worry about it, Squall. It was nothing."

~ Yeah, nothing. That's why I want to do it again. Fuck, how did this happen to me? ~

"Okay. You'd better get going. The instructor comes out in her with a vengeance when people are late." Squall tried to make his voice light and carefree, but it was hard with that cloying scent of sandalwood drifting into his nostrils.

Irvine forced an awkward laugh. "Yeah. I'll see ya when we get back."

He turned and opened the door, and Squall couldn't just let him leave without saying something…

"Irvine?"

The sniper looked back over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Don't sweat the job. These guys probably deserve it, if the worst has to happen. Anyone that would hurt a kid is asking for it." More softly, he added, "Watch yourself, okay?"

Irvine threw one of those gorgeous, charming smiles at him. "Yes sir." He tipped his hat and walked out, closing the door behind him.

Squall sighed heavily and plopped down on the edge of his bed, then laid back and covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I can't deal with this…I need a drink."

~***********************~

-To be continued