Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ This Army Life ❯ Episode Two: Wutai Spy! ( Chapter 2 )

This Army Life

By: Nicolle

1st Note: If it sounds AU and OOC, oh well.

2nd Note: Yes, I know that the materia doesn't work that way, but I have a poetic license, so there.

3rd Note: Yes, he wants a chocobo of his very own.

Final Fantasy and all its characters currently belong to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode 2: Wutai Spy!

Giles shifted nervously as he lay on the forest floor. "Uh, Sir? What do I do if I step on a mine?"

"Well, the normal procedure is to throw yourself several hundred feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area." Sephiroth sighed. Looking over his shoulder, he spotted Zack crawling along the forest floor, looking mostly like a pile of leaves. When the brown spikes of hair reached the General, he suddenly wished he had a head cold. "My God, Zack, when was the last time you bathed?"

"I thought you liked that manly smell."

"When I suddenly have a brain event and begin to prefer the perfume of the Creature from the Black Latrine, I'll let you know. Now let's get out of here before Giles soils himself."

Back at the Base…

"Now that that pointless exercise is over, what the hell was Shinra thinking?"

Zack stood mockingly to attention. "Ahem. The great President wished us to engage the enemy by surprise and break the Wutai line to the south."

"So he sent us to the north."

Zack fell into a chair. "No one said he was intelligent."

"It just goes to show, if you want something done properly, kill President Shinra before you start."

A knock sounded from the door and a young, dark-haired boy stepped in. He saluted. "Message, Sirs."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Hello, Giles. So you're a messenger boy now?"

"I need the money from both jobs, Sir."

"Ouch," Zack cringed. "So what's the message?"

"President Shinra would like you both to return to Midgar for new orders, Sirs. I am to accompany you for the trip."

Sephiroth stood and stretched. "I highly doubt you could keep me from going AWOL… Well, out of the green ring of hell and back into the pitch black, machine encrusted one. All right, Giles, lead the way."

Into the Black Pit of Hell…

Sephiroth sat in the overstuffed chair and stared out the window. "God, I hate this place."

Rufus stepped in the door. "Started talking to yourself, eh?"

"Of course. It's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation. So what are the new orders?"

"There's a spy for Wutai somewhere in Midgar. Zack and yourself have been called back to flush him out and kill him."

Sephiroth smiled and leaned toward Rufus. "You're kidding."

Rufus sat behind the desk. "Nope."

"Don't tell me your father came up with this."

"Actually, this is Heidigger's little game."

Sephiroth sat back with a sharp laugh. "Heidigger? He's about as effective as a doggie door in an elephant house."

"That being the case, I believe having you here might actually help. The spy may try to get into your good graces, hoping to hear about our plans at the front."

"Pfff… If a spy found out our battle plans, the enemy would go on vacation in South Wutai for a few months and come back to find the entire situation unchanged and we wouldn't have known the difference. Your father's idea of a war is only slightly less whack than Heidigger dragging me back to this hell hole to find a spy that I'm sure a deranged rat on a leash would find."

"Think of it as a vacation, Seph."

"You just glossed over the hell hole comment, didn't you."

"Only because I enjoy seeing you suffer."

A Bit Later…

"So we're supposed to find a spy and kill it."

Zack's jaw dropped in disbelief. "What? You're kidding."

"Unfortunately, no. And we're going to have help."

"From who…?"

Sephiroth opened the door as a knock sounded and the Turks filed in. Tseng dropped into the nearest chair and the other two leaned against the near wall, yawning.

"So what's the plan, Oh Great General?" Reno asked

Sephiroth sat down and looked at Tseng. "The plan is to sit around and do nothing."

"I get it! You sit around here on `vacation' while we sneak around and wait for the guy to strike!" Reno's hand punched the air for emphasis.

"It's a spy, not an assassin," Rude said. "Besides, who in their right mind would go on vacation here?"

"Exactly," Sephiroth said, "And this whole thing is Heidigger's idea, which is why we aren't going to lift a finger. Even if there is a spy in Midgar, I highly doubt he's been getting any information back to Wutai."

"What do you base this assumption on?" Tseng asked quietly.

"President Shinra's inability to come up with even the slightest viable idea for a battle plan. Anything a spy from Wutai would report would be passed off as completely laughable."

"Besides," Zack said, "Shinra's idea of maximum secrecy includes telling his wife, all of his wife's friends, their families, their families' servants, their families' servants' tennis partners, and some idiot he bumped into the cafeteria the other day called Gerald."

"So, only we and the rest of Midgar are to know. Great." Tseng rubbed his temples.

"Does this mean I can go out, get drunk, and get paid for it?" Reno asked.

"Yes."

"I'm out of here. Come on, Rude." The two Turks slipped out the door.

The leader of the Turks leaned forward. "What's Heidigger up too?"

Zack shrugged. "We don't know yet. But, it is Heidigger, he could just be paranoid."

Sephiroth shook his head. "Rufus seems to think there is a spy and he's pretty damn sure that whoever it is will try to attach himself to me."

"Along with every woman in a ten mile radius," Tseng said.

"Not to mention the men," Zack smiled. The General rolled his eyes.

Tseng stood. "If this is the plan, I'll slink off into the shadows and grab the most likely idiot for execution. Good day."

Zack waved, "Later." He smirked. "Well, since we're not doing anything worthwhile, I'm going to see my girl."

"The one in the slums? Does she have a change of clothing or is that pink dress the only thing she owns?"

"Come on, Seph, everyone knows you haven't changed cloths in years."

A knock sounded at the door and Giles stepped in with a salute. "I'm here to deliver a package from Vice President Shinra."

"So you're a delivery boy now?" Sephiroth said, taking the small box.

"I need the money, Sir."

Zack stood and stretched. "So what are you going to do with all this money you're earning?"

Giles' eyes go glossy and he smiled lazily. "I hope to own a chocobo."

Sephiroth opened his mouth and closed it several times. "And what if I just gave you a million gil…"

Zack turned his back and bit his tongue in an effort to not laugh.

Giles' eyes lit up brighter than the sun. "I'd get a great big chocobo in Costa del Sol."

Zack shoved his fist in his mouth and shuddered.

Sephiroth cringed and opened the box. The Enemy Lure Materia glowed dimly in the fading sunlight coming through the window. "Son of a bitch."

The Really, REALLY Early The Next Morning…

A loud moan came from Reno's room. "Oh, God, I'm dying…"

Rude opened the door to find a mostly naked and rather green looking Reno lying in his bed. The Turk rolled his eyes. "You aren't dying."

"Yes, I am. Pray for me, Rude."

"I know what's wrong with you and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal." He turned back to his room.

Reno sat up, holding his head in pain. "I protest! What I drank last night would have floored a dragon!"

"If it was allergic to lemonade…" Rude slammed the door and went back to bed.

The Next Morning (at a decent time when normal people get up)

Zack waltzed into the sitting room, a huge grin plastered on his face.

Sephiroth looked up from the newspaper at his friend suspiciously. "It's eleven o'clock in the morning and you're moving around. Is the bed on fire?"

"No. I just had the most extraordinary night."

"And you defiled Miss Gainsborough. I'm sure your mother would be proud."

"Nah, I wasn't that lucky. She just made me the best dinner ever and rubbed my feet."

"You're a very simple man, Zack."

"Yep. And because I'm the simple one, you get to hold the Enemy Lure Materia. Come on, let's go out and see who jumps you first."

The two SOLDIERS wandered out of Shinra Headquarters. As soon as Sephiroth's foot hit the ground, four people flew from where they stood and collided with him. Hanging on with all their might, the three men and one woman apologized profusely, but refused to let go.

"Wow. That's the fastest acting materia I've ever seen." Zack peeled the woman off of the General. "I'll take her and you can have the rest."

"Thanks. I'll cherish this moment forever."

A random guard ran over to pull one of the men off of Sephiroth while he attempted to shake off the other two. Attempted being the accurate word. Prying them off with Masamune wasn't working.

"Where the hell are the Turks when you need them?"

"Right here, Seph." Tseng pulled the enemy lure materia from the band around Sephiroth's wrist. The two men hit the ground, found their feet, and ran directly into Rude and Reno.

"Hey, man, what's the rush?" Reno asked, lifting the guy by the collar.

"So which one is our spy?" Rude asked.

"Interrogation time!" Reno cracked his knuckles.

"Can I interrogate her? Alone?" Zack asked. The girl in his arms blushed.

"NO!"

Zack cringed from the chorus. "Sorry, babe. Maybe next time." He set her on her feet. She immediately jumped on the General, knocking him to the ground.

"OWW!" Sephiroth gave her an annoyed look. She smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

"Well, we know she isn't the spy," Tseng said, "Come on, Miss, move along." You can jump the General's bones later." He picked her up and she ran off.

"That just leaves these three," Reno said, "Who's first?"

Sephiroth stood and brushed himself off. "I refuse to work today, so lets drop them in Heidigger's office and let him interrogate them."

Everyone's jaws dropped.

"You are an evil, evil man," Zack said.

A Day and an Execution Later...

Rufus looked at the two generals. "That taken care of, I'm sending back to the front."

"Thank God," Sephiroth said.

"You'll be getting new artillery at the front, courtesy of Scarlet."

"Great," Zack said.

"And Private Giles will be going back with you."

"Oh, hell," The General muttered.

Rufus stood and went over to the window, looking out on the city of Midgar and its grimy wonder. "When the two of you get back, I want the army to back off the western front and move to the nor..." he trailed off, staring wide eyed out the window. He looked back at Sephiroth, confused. "That spy you executed yesterday, are you sure he's dead?

"I cut his head off. That usually does the trick."

"Oh… I guess Hojo got a hold of the body then."