Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ This Army Life ❯ Episode Three: A Chocobo a Day! ( Chapter 3 )

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Serious OOC-ness.

2nd Note: I take requests.

3rd Note: If you would like to kill Giles his address is 156 Hillcrest Lane, Nibelheim. (And I think he's the real reason Sephiroth blew up the place.)

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Three: A Chocobo a Day…

The General sneezed for the seventh time in a row and reached for his handkerchief.

"Amazing. The mighty Sephiroth has the flu."

"Stuff it, Zack."

"So, what do the doctors do when you get sick?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "Never had anything Hojo didn't try to cure with Mako." He blew his nose. "Oh my head..."

A tapping at the tent flap made them both look up. "Message from Headquarters, Sirs," Giles said.

"Thank you," Sephiroth took the message and Zack snatched it away before he could sneeze on it.

"Do you have a cold, Sir?"

"No, I'm as perfectly healthy as a diseased rat."

"That's good to hear, Sir. Don't want to be getting sick myself, you know?"

Zack turned and banged his head against the nearest tent support.

"But if you were getting the flu, Sir, I would recommend my mother's secret recipe to kill the common cold."

Sephiroth sighed and took the bait. "Which is?"

"Marlboro soup."

"Oh dear God..." The generals both turned green.

"Which, incidentally, is what's on the menu tonight."

Both men knocked Giles to the ground as they ran for the latrine.

After Dinner... Which EVERYONE Skipped...

Sephiroth lay on his back, an arm thrown over his eyes to keep the light from annoying his headache. "Zack, I think I'm going to die."

"Pfff... You're not that lucky, Seph. So do you want to know what that message said?"

"Why not? It can't make me feel any worse than I do now."

"Heidigger's coming for a visit."

"I'm going to have to hurt you. Now what does the message say?"

Zack just looked at him.

"Oh dear God... I hate my life. I have the flu and I have to deal with the worst personality in all of Midgar, and he's up against some stiff competition."

"He'll be here at eight o'clock sharp tomorrow morning."

"Great. More than enough time to contemplate suicide."

Zack leaned back in his chair. "You know, if he sees you're sick, he'll have Hojo stop by."

Sephiroth sat up. "Son of a Bitch!" He looked around frantically. "I need a cure for this cold before he gets here."

"You could try the soup."

Sephiroth went green again and fell back onto the cot. "I swear, I'll throw up on you next."

"I knew you loved me. You could try chocobo soup."

"We promised we wouldn't eat anymore of them, remember?"

"The message doesn't say Rufus is going to show up with a list to make sure we haven't eaten any chocobos. Giles!"

The man entered the tent. "Yes, Sir!"

"Kill a chocobo and make some chocobo soup for The General."

Giles looked confused. "But I thought we weren't supposed to eat the chocobos."

"This is a matter of life and death, soldier. Make the man some soup."

"Are you sure you won't have the marlboro soup, Sir? My mother says it does wonders for the flu."

Sephiroth sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the cot. "If this is the same mother you claimed you where genius enough to work at Shinra HQ, I'll treat her advice with extreme caution. Now make me that soup."

One Bowl of Chocobo Soup and a Good Night's Sleep Later…

Heidigger threw open the tent flap. "Sorry I'm late."

Sephiroth looked up from the map. "Don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."

"Well, all joking aside. I'm here to inspect the troops."

"Of course you are."

"And I'm here to inspect the chocobos," Rufus said as he came in the tent.

Sephiroth banged his head off the desk. "You would be."

"We'll just start then, shall we?" Rufus said, his patented smile of evil curling his lips.

Sephiroth looked at Zack. "Great. Just great. How do we get out of this one?"

Zack thought for a bit, then pounded his fist into his palm. "I've got it. Wait here." A minute later, Zack came back into the tent with a nervous looking blond kid. "Seph, meet Cloud."

"He looks like a deer caught in headlights."

"Well, he is a dear and, to be fair, your eyes are headlights."

Sephiroth blinked his glowing green eyes several times. The kid remained frozen in place, blue eyes wide. "He looks like the misbegotten child of a chocobo and President Shinra."

"Exactly," Zack said, "We're going to put him in a sack with only his head sticking out, throw him in the chocobo corral and Rufus will count Cloud as one of the rest."

"It'll never work."

"Hop in the bag, Cloud." Zack opened a sack and the boy obediently jumped in. The three went to the corral and dropped Cloud in. "Remember to make chocobo noises," he whispered. The generals walked around to the front of the corral and stood behind Rufus as he counted. He passed over the fluffy Cloud head without comment.

"Amazing, they're all here." Rufus turned to the generals. "So what have you been eating?"

"Marlboro soup," Zack said.

Rufus shuddered violently. "I'll have real food sent to you."

"We'll only eat it if you promise not to let Hojo touch it."

"I swear on my father's grave."

"Your father isn't dead yet," Zack said.

Rufus blinked several times. "Damn." He shrugged. "Tell Heidigger to get his ass back here."

"Going, going…" Zack mumbled as he wandered off in search of the witless oaf.

The General and the Vice President stood in silence for a moment, watching the chocobos lazily peck at the ground, before Rufus leaned toward Sephiroth. "Who's idea was it to put the blond kid in the sack?"

Sephiroth just looked at him.

"Right." He sighed. "I'm sending you both on vacation for two weeks in Costa del Sol. Try to come back sane."