Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ This Army Life ❯ Episode Four: The Lion, The Whip, and Zack's Wardrobe! ( Chapter 4 )

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: A BIG `Thank You!' to all my reviewers. And, yes, I have seen MASH. I'm a big time `Hawkeye' Pierce Fan. However, `This Army Life' is more of a parody of `The Blackadder.' If you haven't seen it, find it and gobble it up. It has four seasons, nine specials, and a guarantee to kill you with laughter.

2nd Note: Knowledge is power. Power Corrupts. Study Hard. Be Evil. Like Rufus.

3rd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

4th Note: The `We Hate Giles' Club will have its first meeting on Tuesday at 6:30. Special guest speaker: General Sephiroth.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. Several more apologies to C.S. Lewis.

Episode Four: The Lion, The Whip, and Zack's Wardrobe!

"Permission to speak, Sir."

Zack cringed and looked up at Giles. "Granted, with a due wonder as to why you even ask. You normally just open your mouth anyway."

"I have a cunning plan to find out if The General is gay."

"The bondage gear Seph calls clothing aside, what makes you think he's gay?"

"Well, he's surrounded by men all the time and he doesn't associate with women all that often."

Zack leaned back in his chair. "Has it occurred to you, Giles, that the same could be said of you?"

"But that's because I'm in the army."

"Exactly."

"I don't understand."

"Of course you don't."

Sephiroth stuck his head in the tent. "Message from the President. We're ordered back to Midgar and apparently, its top secret."

"Which means all of Midgar knows." Zack stood and brushed himself off. "Onward! To Stupidity!"

Back into the Black Pit of Hell…

Rufus looked up from his desk at the knock on the door. Rude stood from the window and took up position behind the Vice President. "Come in."

Sephiroth and Zack marched into the office and everyone relaxed. "You wanted to see us?"

Rufus frowned. "Actually, my father wanted to see you, Seph." He looked around. "Its break time. And take Zack with you."

Tseng flipped the brunette over his shoulder and marched out the door, Rude and Reno following behind. The door shut with an ominous click.

Rufus took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He closed his eyes. "I know what my father is planning. I'm going to apologize now."

Sephiroth dropped into a chair. "Oh God, what has he done?"

"It's not what he's done; it's what he's going to do. Just remember, I had nothing to do with it. If you must hurt someone, hurt Palmer."

"You're not inspiring confidence, Rufus."

"As insurance, I'm locking myself in the vault. Masamune is a beautiful weapon, but she can't go through six feet of solid steel."

Sephiroth stood and looked at the door to the President's office. "Come on, Rufus, you know I wouldn't dull my blade on that. Situations like that call for materia." He walked into the President's office without knocking. Rufus ran for the basement. After a funereal silence that filled the entire building, a scream bubbled up from the depths:

"YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!"

Meanwhile…

Zack looked at himself in the mirror. He shifted a bit, getting the feel of the new jacket. The snazzy new pants fit like a glove. "What do you think?"

"I think Aeris is going to love it," Tseng said.

"Yeah, it almost looks good on you," Reno smirked as he put his feet up.

"But is it impressive is the question," Zack said, turning to get a look from the back.

Reno took a bite out of his candy bar. "I said it almost looks good on you. At no point did I mention that it was impressive."

The door flew open with a terrible rush and standing in the doorway was a VERY pissed off Sephiroth grasping a whip like he was strangling it. The wind whipped his long hair around, his coat flapped like a cape, and his green eyes glowed bright enough to light up the entire room.

"Now THAT looks impressive," Reno said.

The General looked at Zack. "You'd better take that off."

Zack looked down at Sephiroth's hand. "So you want to whip me as I run naked through the streets?"

"No, I'm going to kill Shinra, but that's only after we train the lions." He threw the whip to Zack. The wind knocked out of his sails, Sephiroth sat in the nearest chair. "Why me? Wasn't being raised by Hojo enough?" He put his head in his hands.

Zack knelt next to his friend and petted his silver hair. "Okay, Seph, just tell me what happened. It'll be all right."

"No, it won't."

"Hush, hush… Now come on…"

"He wants a platoon of trained lions."

Everyone in the room froze.

Tseng blinked several times. "What?"

"He wants a platoon of trained lions. Zack and I are going to do the training. Because, and I quote, `We're the head of the army.'"

Reno rolled his eyes. "And you know what the lions need to know, right?"

Sephiroth nodded.

"Thought so."

"So the whip is for the lions," Rude said.

"Yes. Because, you have to have a whip to train lions." The General sat up. "I want to kill him. I want to kill him so much."

"We'll kill him later. So where are these lions?" Tseng asked.

Sephiroth looked up. "Guess?"

"Hojo's lab," Zack replied.

A communal groan issued forth from the Turks.

"He named the big one Aslan."

"Why does that make me feel dirty?" Tseng asked.

"I'm out of here," Reno said as he stood, "Good luck training them lions."

"Thanks," Sephiroth muttered as the Turks fled. He looked up at Zack. "Why are you wearing that?"

"Do ya think Aeris will like it?"

"I'm going out on a limb here, but I don't think she cares what you're wearing so long as it's clean."

"Good point." Zack took off the new clothes, his old ones still on underneath. "Let's," he shuddered, "train those lions."

Four Days Worth of Humiliation Later...

"Thank god that's over. The lions are trained. They're on their way to the front. We can go back to screwing off."

"I still want to kill Shinra."

"Settle down, Seph. We're almost home. You can have a nice big..."

"What?"

"Nothing. A nice big nothing. There's no food out there."

Sephiroth cocked his head to the side. "So, what are we supposed to feed the lions, Mr. Supply-N-Demand?"

"Giles?"

"Suddenly, I feel a whole lot better."

On the Wutai Front

"At ease, Giles, we're just dropping our bags," Zack said. He fell into his chair, put his feet up and rested his hands on his chest.

Sephiroth dropped his bag and looked out of the tent. "Where are the lions?"

"What lions, Sir?"

"The ones that got here earlier this morning."

"Oh, the big cats? Nasty critters, but we're the ones laughing now, right?"

Zack looked up. "Giles, what did you do to the lions."

"Well, I figured since we've run out of food, we might as well eat what's available. It took us a while, but we managed to roast all of them. They'll feed us for weeks."

Sephiroth sighed. "And I really wanted to feed you to them."