Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ This Army Life ❯ Episode Five: Shinobi! ( Chapter 5 )

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Kakashi is the role-playing creation of a guy I know. I had to live with this stupidity for a year and a half, now you and Sephiroth shall live with it as well.Â

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2nd Note:Â I apologize to all Zack fans now.

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3rd Note: If you suffer from sudden, inexplicable urges to put Cloud in a sack, please consider putting Giles in the sack instead… and then throwing it in the river.

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Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

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Episode Five:Â Shinobi!

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      "I charge you with this one, sacred task, Kakashi. You must kill Sephiroth."

       "It will be an honor, Lord Godo." The young man turned and valiantly marched out of the hall, only to trip on the carpet, fly out the door, and fall down the steps.

       "Lord Godo," a retainer whispered, "why send him to kill The General Sephiroth? He is an idiot and ill trained."

       "Because, the sooner he dies, the sooner Wutai wins this war."

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Back on the Wutai Front

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      "So, what are you going to do when this war is over, Zack?"

      Zack shrugged and lay back on the grass, looking up at the stars. "Don't know. Might pop a ring on Aeris."

       "I have a suggestion for you."

       Zack turned his head toward the glowing green. "Yeah?"

      "Buy her some clothes instead."

      "Oh, come on, Seph. I love that pink dress!"

       "Then screw Aeris. Marry the dress."

       "You're insufferable."

      "Actually, I'm miserable. You're insufferable." Sephiroth sat up. "How do you do it, Zack? I can get a hundred women to fawn all over me, but you manage to keep them. How does that work?"

       "Well, it has nothing to do with any secret trick. It has everything to do with everyone, including the women you have slept with, thinking you're gay."

       Sephiroth blinked several times. "You're kidding."

      "Nope."

      "Damn."

      "Yep."

       "How do I fix that?"

      "Can't."

      "What?"

      "Nope."

      "Really."

       "Not a chance."

      "You're as about as much use to me as a hole in the head, Zack."

      "I aim to please!"Â

      The two friends both looked to the right, eyes tracking a loose shadow.Â

       "You see that?" The General asked.

       "I think its just Cloud spying on us again."

      "Damn if that boy isn't strange."

      Zack shrugged. "Trust me; once you get to know him, he's actually pretty cool. He's just overly shy."

       "And a voyeur..."

       Both heads snapped to the left.

      "That's not Cloud." Both men stood up.

      Suddenly, a black clad figure flew through the air, sword gleaming in the moonlight.  Sephiroth and Zack each took a step back, and the man hit the ground, face first. Jumping up, the man whispered, "SHINOBI!" and ran off.

       The General blinked. "What the hell was that?"

      "I think it was supposed to be an assassin."

       "Bloody pathetic assassin if you ask me." Sephiroth turned and went to bed.

       Cloud snuck out of the shadows with a rather unconscious Wutai ninja. "Uh, Zack? What do I do with him?"

       Zack shrugged. "Tie him to a tree in the woods and cover him with honey?"

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The Next Morning     Â

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      The General and Zack walked through the camp, inspecting the men. A honey covered Wutai ninja stood at attention at the end of the line.

      "So, Seph? What's it like to not have a family?"

      Sephiroth shrugged. "I don't know. What's it like to come from a collection of inbred mutants?"

       Zack snorted. "You're such a freak of nature."

       They stopped at the honey drenched man.Â

      "You don't see me," he whispered.

      "Well, I wish I couldn't. There's a stream down the road. Go drown yourself in it."

       Zack tapped The General on the shoulder. "Seph? That's not Giles."

      Sephiroth stopped and really looked at the man. "You're right. It's the assassin from Wutai."

       "I don't exist," he whispered.

      "You won't when those ants crawling up your leg finish eating you."

       Kakashi looked down at his legs. "My life is nearly at an end! Die, Sephiroth!" He lunged at The General and Sephiroth stepped out of the way. The ninja crashed to the ground and rolled into Giles, throwing the Private into a tent.Â

      Zack and Seph shrugged, turned, and continued inspecting the troops.

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Two Days and a Nearly Fatal Dinner Later...

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     "Zack? I'm bored."

     "It has been rather slow this week."

      Giles came in the tent. "Message from Shinra, Sirs!"

      "Great. What's it say?" Zack asked.

     "President Shinra would like The General to sneak into enemy territory and assassinate Lord Godo."

      "A stealth mission? They want me to ninja Wutai?"

     "You can't do that. Your eyes glow in the dark!"

     "Not to mention that all of Wutai knows to shoot when they see green." Sephiroth took the message, looked it over, and set it on fire in the palm of his hand. "How the hell does he expect me to do this?"

      "Permission to speak, Sir!"

     Sephiroth sighed. "Permission granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread."

      "I have a cunning plan, Sir. Why not brainwash the Wutai assassin into thinking Lord Godo is you?"

     "Oh my God, Giles. That's brilliant!"

     "Really, Sir? Permission to write home immediately, Sir! This is the first cunning plan a Giles ever had! For years we've tried, and the plans always turned out to be total pig-swill. My mother will be the happiest mother on earth!"

"There's just one problem, Giles. He's too stupid to be brainwashed."

"DEATH TO SEPHIROTH!" Kakashi slammed through the tent, trashed everything inside, minus The General, and landed in an unconscious pile on the floor.

Sephiroth smiled. "I have a better idea."

Five Minutes of Prep Later

"Zack? We're going to Midgar."

Zack got up. "What?! Why?!"

Sephiroth's Evil Smileâ"¢ curled his lips. "I have a plan so cunning you can pin a tail on it and call it a weasel. We're going to give President Shinra a present." He turned. "I've already packed your bags for you. Follow me to the train."

"You're scaring me, Seph." He stepped on the train and looked at the crumpled form of the ineffectual assassin. "What happened to him?"

"He tripped on a tent spike and flew head long into the ground."

"And what are we doing with him?"

"We're giving him to Shinra." Sephiroth kicked Kakashi. The assassin woke up, looked around, and then jumped to his feet.

"Shinobi!" he whispered, and ran straight into a wall.

Sephiroth pulled out a picture of the President. He grabbed the assassin by the hair and waved the picture in front of the assassin's face. "Look at this. This is Sephiroth. You want to kill him."

"Death to Sephiroth!" He grabbed the picture out of The General's hand.

"Right."

"I hope you know what you're doing, Seph."

"Don't worry, Zack. We won't feel a thing."

At Shinra HQ

"Hello, Rufus," Sephiroth said as he dragged the Wutai assassin behind him.

"Hello, Seph…" Rufus looked up from his desk. "What the hell is that?"

"This is for your father." He opened the door to President Shinra's office and threw the assassin in. A scream and the sound of glass breaking came through the door.

"Are you trying to kill my father, Seph?"

(`My vase! No! Not the picture of mommy!')

"Unfortunately, that assassin couldn't kill a chocobo if we tied it down and surrounded it with Chocobo Lure. The worst he'll do is trash the place."

The assassin crashed through the door, looked around frantically, ran smack into a wall.

"See what I mean?"

Rufus put his paperwork down and looked at The General. "I'm sensing anger here."

"Damn straight. The next time your father decides I'm a ninja, take that god damn shotgun of yours and blow him away."

Rufus raised an eyebrow. "Only if you promise to kill Heidigger and Palmer."

"Deal."

They shook hands.

Rufus looked around. "Where's the assassin?"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

They both looked out the window. Zack was running down the street… naked. Kakashi ran behind him, sword raised.

"SHINOBI!"

Rufus nodded. "Well, that was interesting."