Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ This Army Life ❯ Episode Six: A Formal Affair! ( Chapter 6 )

The Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: This story is also a contest of sorts. Here are the rules: Everyone at the party is dressed as someone from an anime or video game. See how many you can guess and I'll post the answers with Episode Eight. Get Your Guess On!

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead, but absolutely no real plot.

3rd Note: The `We Hate Giles' Club will have its second meeting on Friday. Pot Luck! Bring a covered dish and Aeris will cover desert! Yum!

4th Note: I really, REALLY, mean it. There is no plot for this. It is completely and totally plot-less.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Six: A Formal Affair!

"Oh Seph, you're going to love this."

Sephiroth took the message from Zack. He read it once, blinked, read it a second time, and tore it up in a fit of rage before storming out of the tent.

"Uh, Sir?"

Zack looked up at Giles. "Yes?"

"Why is The General so angry?"

"The President is having a party. A masquerade, in fact."

"So what's the problem, Sir?"

Zack smiled. "The President ordered The General to wear a specific costume. An order which he's most likely going to ignore."

After Several Tries

"Will you hold still?"

"I can't help it, it tickles."

"You're a Turk! Act like it!"

"It still tickles."

"You're impossible." A moment later, she pulled back and looked at his hand. "There. All done."

Masquerade! Paper faces on parade! Masquerade! Hide your face… (I better stop before I'm sued…)

Sephiroth disengaged himself from the crowd of young, female Shinra executives and made his way over to Rufus. "I'm going to kill your father."

"I know. Nice ears by the way. And the blue skin suits you."

"Thanks. So did Scarlet massacre your hair or did you do that to yourself?"

Rufus put a white gloved hand through his suddenly short cropped hair. "It'll grow out in a week or so, blue-boy."

"Makes me glad I decided against the red coat and making Zack dress up as a gun toting priest."

"Yes, because we all know Zack is filled with mercy." He looked around. "Where is Zack?"

"Orange gi. Over there. He spiked his hair up a bit more."

"Great. Porcupine central." Rufus spied Scarlet coming their way. "Shit. On the count of three, scatter. Three!" The General and Rufus disappeared into the crowd just as Scarlet reached the punch bowl.

She looked around, and then adjusted the long black wig on her head. "Well, that was as subtle as a chocobo's beak up the ass."

Reno and Rude made their way through the crowd.

Reno waved. "Hey, Scarlet, nice armor. Is this the part where you kill me for being gallant?"

Scarlet sighed. "You wouldn't know gallant if it bit you in the face, Reno. And what the hell are you supposed to be? A wandering vagabond? I mean really. That old, red gi is falling apart on you. And the scar is on the wrong side of your face. Honestly…" She looked Rude up and down appreciatively. "You look good in the uniform. The blonde wig looks good on you."

Rude shrugged and held up a little model. "I even made the mobile suit to go with it." He shook it and was surprised when nothing fell off.

"You better be careful, Rude. Hojo's here. He might get an idea, build the Tallgeese, and cybernically implant you in it."

"What's with the red eye shadow, babe?" Reno asked.

"It just shows that I'm evil."

Reno snorted. "You don't need eye shadow for that."

Scarlet gave him the evil eye. "Why don't you go over there and talk to Palmer?"

"Because if I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have picked one up off the snack bar."

Rude looked at the large pig. "Which part is Palmer and which part is Heidigger?"

"Who knows? I think the pig should just have two asses. It would make more sense." Scarlet stopped dead and nearly dropped her glass. "Is that Tseng?"

Reno nodded. "Yeah."

"I think I'm going to orgasm."

"No comment." Reno said as he and Rude walked away.

Zack adjusted the gi. "See, I even managed to get the King Kai symbol on the back! Cool, huh?"

Tseng rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you know how to dress yourself."

Zack snorted. "Since it's so obvious, what woman dressed you? You look really slick with that hat."

"I dressed myself, but Aeris drew the face on my hand." He held up his hand and the cute `evil' face grimaced at the world. "It tickled like crazy."

Sephiroth joined the pair. "Nice sword, Tseng."

"Thanks. The skull armbands do wonders for you. Too bad there's no princess for you to kidnap. So, how bad is Shinra pissed off that you didn't wear the dress?"

Sephiroth looked at the President. "Don't know. Don't care. Besides which, he didn't even dress up for this humiliation. Let's kill him."

"Later, Seph. We can kill him later. Besides, Reeve is over there, freaking him out." They all looked to find a black cloaked Reeve in a white mask, with what looked like onyx studs embedded in it, following a very frightened President Shinra around the party.

"Looks like he's waiting for Shinra to turn into a young school girl so he can slave after her," Tseng said.

"We are such sick people," Sephiroth said, "So what gives? Why the big party, and in costume?"

"The President has put this together in order to have everyone around to thwart an assassin."

"What makes him think anyone will save him?"

Tseng picked up the edge of his long cape and smacked Rufus with it.

Rufus rolled his eyes and joined them. "Yes, my half-breed beauty and blue-skinned prince?"

"What makes your father think we'll save him if someone tries to kill him?" The General asked.

Rufus looked around. "Not sure. I know I'm looking the other way."

The President wandered over. "So, are we enjoying the party, everyone?"

"Smashing," Rufus said, "Couldn't think of anything better to do with my time."

"It's an impressive gala event," the President said, looking around proudly.

"I was more impressed by the contents of my tissue the last time I blew my nose," The General said.

"What?" The President looked at Sephiroth. "Well, General, that certainly isn't the costume I sent you. You would have looked good in it."

"Yes, well, would you excuse me for a moment? I have some urgent business. There's a bucket outside I'm going to be sick into." Sephiroth walked out of the room.

The President walked away, confused.

"That's right, Dad. Let's humiliate the man who can set the place on fire with his mind." Rufus sighed. "What an ass. He can't be my father. Please, someone tell me I'm a bastard."

"You're a bastard, Rufus," Scarlet obliged.

"Thank you, insufferable demon-worshipping bitch."

"Well, I'll leave you two love birds to find a broom closet," Zack said. He turned and spotted Rude and Reno dragging a roughed up and *blue* haired Cloud behind them. He rushed over. "What are you doing to him?"

Rude looked up. "He's going to ride the pig."

Reno lifted Cloud. "Just remember to smack the pig's ass."

Zack watched, mystified, as a smack, a squeal, and the back end of a huge pig slammed into the front end. Cloud rode the damn thing around the room and everyone would swear for the next twenty years that it was the most action Heidigger and Palmer ever had.

Sephiroth stood next to Zack. "Well, this is turning out to be a bad idea. When did he sneak on the train?"

"Before we even got on."

"He's a stalker, Zack."

Zack shrugged. "He's a good kid. Beat up that Wutai assassin for you."

"A paraplegic gerbil could have beaten up that assassin. Hell, an inanimate object could have beaten up that assassin."

"But aren't a paraplegic gerbil and an inanimate object basically the same thing?"

Rufus came up to the pair. "We have to end this now. There's no assassin and I haven't gotten laid yet."

"That's because you're dressed like a psycho," Sephiroth said.

"So are you and Tseng."

"Actually, I'm an anti-hero and Tseng has that, `Oh I'm so tragic!' thing going for him."

"Damn."

The President stepped up to Rufus. "Is there a problem, my boy?"

"Yes. Why are we doing this?"

The President shrugged. "I wanted to see The General wear a dress."

The General's eyes blazed with green fire. "The assassin is here."

Zack and Tseng grabbed Sephiroth and dragged him out of the room before he could kill the President.