Fire Emblem Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass: Fire Emblem Style ❯ The Stunts Begin ( Chapter 1 )

MoonlitMeowth: Hello all! I hope you all enjoy this new Fire Emblem story I wrote!

 

Shinimegami: And I helped! ^^

 

MoonlitMeowth: Um, yeah. No one cares about that.

 

Shinimegami: …

 

MoonlitMeowth: Anyways! This is just the same as the television show, “Jackass”, but with the Fire Emblem people! I haven't decided whether to have a choice selection of the characters or to add them add eventually, but this might just be one of our endless stories. Isn't that right, sis?

 

Shinimegami: Oh, so now you're including me. Is that it?

 

MoonlitMeowth: Yeah, that's pretty much it.

 

Shinimegami: Hm.

 

MoonlitMeowth: Oh, and don't forget to check out my sister's Fire Emblem story on FanFiction.Net. It's entitled Fire Emblem: Path of Idiocy. But… you'll have to wait `till it's up… `cause she's so lazy!

 

Shinimegami: Hey!

 

MoonlitMeowth: Yeah, but her author name is ED of Oblivion. Some of you probably know her already since she's so popular!

 

Shinimegami: (big grin)

 

MoonlitMeowth: But I like the name “Shinimegami” better. It's easier to type…

 

Shinimegami: You're probably the only person besides me who feels that way.

 

MoonlitMeowth: Well, it doesn't matter `cause we need to get on with it already! Here we go!

 

Note: Most of what the Fire Emblem characters perform was actually taken from the show because MoonlitMeowth couldn't come up with anything funnier. She might later on though. And also the characters will act nothing like they normally would in their everyday lives, and things will be modernized, and then sometimes they won't be. Depends on what she feels like doing. XD

Also, everything will be from Rhys' point of view, seeing as how he's the cameraman. But someone else might take over his job if Rhys decides he wants to perform a trick. Thank you.

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The original Greil Mercenaries, Ike, Soren, Titania, Oscar, Boyd, Shinon, Gatrie, and Rhys have decided to make their own Jackass show. They are all running around doing stupid things, recruiting people to join them along the way as they torment innocent people into either watching or joining this madness. Right now, Ike is walking up to the camera. He walks up really close to his cameraman, Rhys, and introduces himself.

 

“Hey, I'm Ike, and this is Jackass.”

 

Everyone in the background starts to cheer wildly, and Shinon pulls out a random beer bottle and starts to chug it. A few seconds later, he gags on it from drinking too fast, and hacks it all over the place. Everyone else is laughing like hyenas while pointing and laughing.

 

The camera cuts off, but then comes back on a few moments later revealing Oscar. He looks like he always does, clean, green hair, and squinted eyes, but he looks determined.

 

“Hi, I'm Oscar, and this is the Survival trick. I'm gonna try to beat Titania on horseback while we run past each other.”

 

The camera zooms out, showing that Oscar is, as usual, in his full-body armor, and on his brown horse. He is equipped with an Iron Lance. He pulls out a helmet from seemingly nowhere, puts it on his head, and turns his horse away from the camera. The camera then turns to show Titania, also fully armored, but with her white war horse. Her expression says that she is confident, yet laid back. She is wielding a Steel Axe.

 

The remaining mercenaries are standing on the other side of the battle, where they are safe from any danger. Gatrie is munching contently on popcorn while Shinon attempts to drink more beer.

 

“Okaaaaaaaay…” Ike says, “Go!”

 

Both horses race for each other as fast as they can, Oscar lowering his weapon to strike Titania with, while Titania merely holds her axe at the ready.

 

It was all pretty much over in a millisecond. Oscar got nervous at the last possible second, and waved his lance wildly at Titania's body. Titania countered by simply holding her axe outward as Oscar's horse ran toward her, and her horse ran toward him. The result was Oscar getting hit in the chest, sending him flying off his horse and into the ground.

 

Everyone watching either covered their eyes, looked the other way, or winced as they witnessed Oscar's stupidity. Shinon was now too drunk to notice anything except how drunk he was. Everyone else made “ooh” and “ah” sounds as they reacted to Oscar's painful landing.

 

Oscar had been lying on the ground for several seconds, but then he realized he could move, and proceeded to raising his body to a sitting position.

 

However, once he sat up, he saw his horse galloping towards him at full speed for some reason. His eyes enlarged, and he tried to scramble to his feet, but the brown horse stampeded him and, once again, Oscar went down!

 

“Oooooooooooh!!!” everyone, minus Shinon, said, reacting to the newly inflicted pain to their lance knight friend.

 

Oscar's body now had hoof print marks all over it, and yet he continued to live. Because no one ever dies on Jackass!

 

Boyd looked over at Rhys, who was still operating the camera.

 

“Um, Rhys, you might wanna use that staff on my brother…”

 

“Oh, right.” Rhys said, setting the camera on the ground, and running over to Oscar's body.

 

The camera is now at an angle, but it is still showing Oscar and Rhys. Rhys takes out his staff, positions it, and just as it looks like he's about to heal him, he starts repeatedly whacking Oscar with it.

 

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” Oscar managed to scream in agony.

 

“Aaaaaaaahhhh…!” everyone moaned again to Oscar's pain.

 

“Oh, dude, you're not supposed to use it like that!” Soren said, actually laughing with everyone else.

 

“Oh, whoops!” Rhys said, actually leaving Oscar in the grass unhealed.

 

Oscar groaned, tried to sit up, but then passed out from lack of strength.

 

“Oh man, he's gonna be feeling that tomorrow!” Gatrie said to Shinon, slapping him on the back.

 

Shinon's eyes grew fairly large, and then he bent over, throwing up all the alcohol he ingested right at Gatrie's feet.

 

“Aw man, gross!” Gatrie replied, pushing his buddy away, but causing him to fall on the ground, and then roll a couple of times before he settled. Then Gatrie turned to everyone else.

 

“Did anyone else just see what Shinon did?”

 

“Hell yeah!” Ike said, laughing extremely hard.

 

“Well, let's go on to the next trick.” Titania said, looking at the camera, but obviously to Rhys.

 

The camera turned off, but came back on shortly afterwards, revealing Boyd. He was smiling insanely, just like everyone else, and he started laughing as he tried to speak into the camera.

 

“Hey, I'm Boyd, and this is the Off-Road Toy Downhill trick. Now what we're gonna do is take some little kiddy toys and we're gonna race these mother fuckers! YEAH!”

 

The camera zooms out to reveal a large hill with a bunch of different small children toys that are used for riding.

 

Rhys can be heard snickering as Boyd gets ready to go first. He gets a plastic tricycle, sits down on it uncomfortably, and then scoots himself to the edge. Because he can't get his feet to go on the pedals, he sticks them straight out in front of him. After a push from Ike, Boyd starts to descent the hill, really slowly at first, but once he picks up speed he instantly starts to lose control, and when that happened, he fell straight over the front of the toy, and he started to roll really painfully down the hill. The tricycle, however, was still stuck to his butt, so as Boyd rolled, the tricycle rolled with him. He half somersaulted and half fell until he reached the bottom, in which the toy was still attached to his body.

 

Rhys was laughing hysterically as Boyd laid face down in the dirt, his ass in the air with the tricycle still attached to it.

 

Now it was Soren's turn. He was seated on plastic lid-like sled, and gave the signal for Ike to give him a push off. Once he was pushed, he seemed to be off on a good start, but halfway down the hill, the grass caused the sled to dump Soren off to the side. Soren put up no fight, and basically just fell to the side with his arms still wrapped around his knees. He made a dull thud sound as he hit the grass, and he just laid there motionless, the sled standing up on its side from Soren's weight.

 

The mercenaries exploded in laughter from Soren's emotionless expression and the way he fell straight down to the side without a word.

 

 

The next person up was Shinon, and he got a wagon. He placed it at the top of the hill, beer in hand, and sat down in it, his legs uncomfortably hanging over the front. When Ike tried to push the sniper down the hill, Shinon got really pissed off, and waved Ike off angrily, accidentally causing himself to go down the hill before he was ready. The result was better than Boyd's or Soren's. Shinon, not being drunk yet, was fully aware of everything going on around him, and he screamed as the wagon veered out of control, dumping him off very early on down the hill. Shinon rolled off course down the hill, and fell into a creek they were standing next to.

 

Everyone ran to see what his reaction would be to that. When they saw Shinon, his beer hand was perfectly safe and out of the water, but the rest of him was soaked. He eventually brought himself to his feet, the first thing he looked at being his beer, but it looked okay. He sighed with relief, and then began to drink it calmly. Everyone rolled their eyes at him.

 

“Okay Ike, it's your turn!” Gatrie said, producing Ike's ride: a child's scooter.

 

Ike rolled his shoulders, and then got on, pushing himself off the top of the hill, spotting the camera, and giving it the “rock on” hand gesture. But, by being distracted by the camera, Ike lost his balance, and flew off the scooter, ramming his face straight into the dirt, while the scooter tumbled down after him, landing on top of his body. Ike's arms and legs were sprawled out, and his blue hair was covered in mud, as were his red and blue clothes.

 

Rhys started snickering at Ike's form, and how Shinon suddenly ran up and kicked Ike's body further down the hill for no reason whatsoever.

 

The camera turned off, and then turned back on momentarily with Ike up front. His hair was still messed up and dirty and he had a bruise on his cheek, but he smiled anyway. It was a rather naughty smile.

 

“Okay, I'm Ike, and this is the Party Boy trick. I'm gonna go around town with Soren's robes covering me up, but I'm secretly wearing a man thong! So I'm gonna hit the music stores, have the employees play some music for me, and then I'm gonna strip for them!”

 

The camera turns off, but turns back on showing Ike walking on the other side of the street dressed in Soren's black robes. He is trying his hardest to act casual, but laughs when he sees Rhys, Boyd, and Soren running with the camera across the street from where he was.

 

Ike enters a music shop, and the three boys run to the window and continue to film him through it. Boyd manages to open it from the outside so that they can hear what Ike says.

 

Ike can now be seen requesting to listen to some music, which the shopkeeper gladly allows him. He walks Ike over to one of his stereos, and turns it on to a techno beat. Ike starts to move his body casually to the music. After a bit, he starts to get more into it, but not quite wild yet.

 

“Hey, this is a pretty good beat. Kinda makes ya wanna party. I feel like partying right now.” Ike then whipped off Soren's robes, dropping them to the floor and revealing his almost naked body to the shopkeeper, who recoils in surprise.

 

The three boys outside exploded in laughter from Ike's crazy dance moves as he follows the shopkeeper to the next room. Rhys runs to the door window of the shop and films Ike getting a little too close to the shopkeeper's back. Boyd is laughing the hardest out of the three of them.

 

As the shopkeeper starts talking to one of his employees, Ike goes back in the other room, picks up Soren's robes and starts to spin them over his head while jutting his crotch to the beat of the music.

 

When the shopkeeper returns to tell Ike to leave, Ike did the towel-dry move with Soren's robes between his legs. At this point, Soren narrows his eyes in disgust.

 

“Looks like I won't be wearing those for a while…”

 

Soren's comment caused Boyd to laugh even harder.

 

Once the shopkeeper turned off the stereo, Ike immediately stopped dancing, and pretended to act disappointed and confused.

 

“Hey man, what's up?”

 

“You need to leave the store.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just get out.”

 

“But—”

 

“I SAID GET OUT!!!”

 

“Well, okay…”

 

Ike ran out of the shop without dressing himself first. He ran into Rhys and the other two, and grinned like an idiot.

 

“One down, two to go.”

 

“Aw c'mon, Ike!” Soren whined.

 

“Shut up, Soren; it's funny!” Boyd said, clapping Ike on the back heartily.

 

Soren narrowed his eyes again, but followed the others.

 

Eventually, Ike earned a black eye, since the last shop was owned by a woman. Ike exited the shop screaming like a frat boy.

 

“YEAH!” he started to disco for his buddies, who felt sick to their stomachs with laughter.

 

Ike then turned to Soren, extending the black robes. “Hey, you want these back?”

 

“Keep them.” Soren said with a disgusted look on his face.

 

Rhys and Boyd laughed really hard, and then the camera went out.

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MoonlitMeowth: So yeah. That's my first chapter. I hope it got everyone reading this to laugh as much as Ike did…

 

Shinimegami: Dude. I never thought of Ike as a crazy party boy stripper…

 

MoonlitMeowth: And that, dear sister, is why it's so funny! (big, satisfied grin)

 

Shinimegami: Yeah, that was pretty funny… I liked the part with Shinon's obsession of beer.

 

MoonlitMeowth: Yeah, well Shinon had it coming. Besides, I decided that every time we see him, he'll either be drinking or already be drunk.

 

Shinimegami: Well?

 

MoonlitMeowth: Well what?

 

Shinimegami: Where are the other chapters?

 

MoonlitMeowth: They'll come if I find out enough people like it. Or if I come up with any other ideas…

 

Shinimegami: Well, we'll just watch the show a lot! Which we do anyway…

 

MoonlitMeowth: Yep! So I hope you readers stay tuned for more crazy stuff! And I'll add new members later!

 

Shinimegami: Yay! I love Reyson!

 

MoonlitMeowth: I know you do.

 

Shinimegami: XD