Fire Emblem Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass: Fire Emblem Style ❯ About Time Mist and Rolf Made an Appearance! ( Chapter 2 )

MoonlitMeowth: Hello people! To start off, I'd like to thank those of you who reviewed; it made me happy! (big grin)

 

Shinimegami: Yeah, that's good to know you have fans.

 

MoonlitMeowth: Yay! Anyways, I will try to keep thinking up more tricks so that the story doesn't die.

 

Shinimegami: That would be bad.

 

MoonlitMeowth: Most definitely. (nod)

 

Disclaimers `cause I forgot about them last time: I do not own Jackass or Fire Emblem.

 

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The camera turns on to the original Greil Mercenaries. They are all still laughing and smiling like idiots. Shinon is now drinking out of a martini glass with the olive and everything, Soren is wearing an exact replica of his old robes, and Ike is dressed in his normal clothes again, but secretly still wearing his man thong.

 

“Okay you guys,” Rhys' voice said, “action!”

 

Everyone took a deep breath. “We're the Greil Mercenaries, and this is Jackass!”

 

Crazy, random music started to play out of nowhere, but no one seemed to notice as they play-punched each other for no reason. Shinon was the only one under the influence of alcohol…

 

The camera went off, but then came back on to show Gatrie.

 

“Hi, I'm Gatrie, and this is the Police Brutality trick. Just watch me take that gun from that cop over there!”

 

Gatrie snickers, runs over to a Daein cop, and taps him on the shoulder.

 

“Excuse me, officer, I lost my doggie up in the forest—” as soon as the cop looked in the direction Gatrie was pointing, Gatrie seized the cop's handgun, yanked on it, and began to try and run away from the cop.

 

However, the police officer was much quicker than Gatrie, pulled out his nightstick, and began beating Gatrie with it.

 

Gatrie went down in minus two seconds, the cop still repeatedly bashing him with the nightstick. At one point, Gatrie actually lost consciousness, and the cop barely noticed as he continued to assault Gatrie with his police stick.

 

The other members of the Greil Mercenaries suddenly took note that the cop was still effortlessly beating up on their friend, and they all looked at each other for a debate.

 

“Hey,” Ike said, “that guy's a Daein soldier…”

 

“He's a cop, though,” Titania said.

 

“Well yeah, but he probably knows we live in Crimea…”

 

Everyone stared at each other silently.

 

“Maybe we should try and help him…” Soren said.

 

At this point, Shinon, who was surrounded by countless martini glasses, automatically walked, er, staggered toward the cop, obviously trying to attack him back to defend Gatrie. Shinon uneasily notched an arrow to his bow, but because he had poor judgment, he failed to realize that he was a foot away from the cop.

 

The Daein cop was still beating up Gatrie when he saw Shinon just flounce out of nowhere, and he whistled, signaling three big attack dogs to appear out of nowhere and attack Shinon.

 

Shinon started screaming as all three dogs began biting at him, but he still tried to aim his bow at the cop.

 

Everyone else stared blankly, and then all edged away silently.

 

The camera turned off suddenly. It came back on to reveal Oscar.

 

“Hello, I'm Oscar, and this is the Self-Defense trick. I'm going to test out all these weapons here and see which is the most efficient.”

 

He indicates a table with many different types of weapons strewed about it. The weapons range from all sorts of things, from common to unbelievably odd. The weapons were as follows: a sword, a baseball bat, some pepper spray, a cattle prod, a rabid weasel in a cage, a belt, a club with a single large nail in it, and some safety pins.

 

Oscar stares, transfixed, at the club with the nail in it. He picks it up with a confused expression, bangs it twice on the table using the nail side, and then throws it behind him hurriedly. He looks back at the camera.

 

“Anyway. Let's start with the pepper spray!” he grins, and picks up the can of pepper spray before the camera turned off again.

 

When it came back on, Oscar was approaching Ike and Soren, and Ike was holding the pepper spray can.

 

Oscar is holding out a wallet for Ike. “Hey, did you drop this—”

 

He is cut off when Ike suddenly sprays the pepper spray forcefully into Oscar's eyes. Oscar screams loudly and falls backwards on the ground, covering his eyes, which are now burning with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, MY EYES!!! OH GOD, I'M GONNA DIE!!! IT BURNS, IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNSSSSS!!!”

 

Rhys could be heard snickering as Boyd and Rolf appeared from nowhere, each carrying baseball bats, and slamming them down on Oscar at the same time. A loud THUNK could be heard over Oscar's screams of agony.

 

Rhys turns the camera off, and when it comes back on a few moments later, Oscar was standing in view with bruises all over his body. He even had a black eye.

 

However, he managed to speak in a calm voice. “Okay, the next one I'll be testing out is the cattle prod.”

 

The camera turns off again, and comes back on with Oscar walking up to Titania, who was on her white war horse, sitting rather calmly with the cattle prod in hand. Oscar starts talking to her.

 

“Hey, aren't you that famous `Tank Woman?'”

 

At this comment, Titania began repeatedly stabbing Oscar with the cattle prod, showing no mercy whatsoever. In fact, she was nearly laughing as she did it!

 

Ike and the others were now seated in the background in lawn chairs, munching contently on popcorn and drinking Icees. Shinon was eating frozen beer cubes.

 

After Oscar screamed himself hoarse, no pun intended, he put a hand out to Titania. “Okay… That's…enough…”

 

By now, his two younger brothers returned with the same baseball bats, and brought them down on him again for no reason whatsoever. Then they ran off from wherever they came from laughing like crazy people.

 

Oscar then began to cuss loudly before the camera turned off.

 

It came back on with Oscar bleeding from the mouth with more bruises, and now the other eye blackened. He was standing near the table of weapons.

 

“Okay, I don't think I'm going to test out any more of these weapons. The pepper spray was tough, the cattle prod hurt like a son of a bitch, and I'm sure not trying any of the other ones…”

 

Just as he was finishing his sentence, Boyd and Rolf ran up again, both of them smacking Oscar in the back of the head, sending him straight down onto the ground. They ran off laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world.

 

Oscar now lost consciousness. Rhys turned the camera off.

 

It came back on a few minutes later, showing Shinon, Rolf, and Mist sitting at a table with a bunch of dairy products lying out. Shinon was incredibly drunk at this point, and was sitting between Mist and Rolf. However, he managed to introduce the next trick.

 

“Hey… I'm Shinon, and… What we have here is the Dairy Challenge. Now we're gonna…gonna…see which one of us can drink the much dairy before…having it come back up! Alright…”

 

They began to drink as much milk and eggnog as they possibly could. Rhys was patiently filming them as they continued to drink.

 

As time passed, Shinon somehow managed to become more drunk, and turned to Mist. “I was raised on the dairy, bitch!” he began to laugh drunkenly, and then he started coughing and making retching sounds.

 

Luckily for them, Soren thought it would be a wise idea to place garbage cans within reach when it came to this.

 

So Shinon ran over to the garbage can and retched loudly into it, the dairy intake being much too high for him. However, Mist and Rolf were alright for now.

 

When Shinon returned, he turned to Rolf and said, “You got eggnog in my goat milk!”

 

Rhys' voice could be heard in the background. “Is the milk getting him drunker?”

 

Voices of debate were heard behind the camera as they watched Shinon fall out of his chair backwards, milk spraying out of his mouth.

 

Mist and Rolf still had not vomited yet, and they continued to drink their milk.

 

“Hey, my sis is doing really good!” Ike said, laughing.

 

Just as he said it, Mist threw up all over the table of dairy. As she did, Rolf laughed, milk coming out of his nose, oddly enough. Then he vomited as well. They both passed out on the table.

 

Everyone went silent. The camera went off, but then turned on again moments later. Shinon was propped up against the two children. Throwing up allowed him to become sober again.

 

“Well…nobody really wins the Diary Challenge… Oh God… I need a beer.”

 

“Well,” Gatrie said, “that does make him act normal.”

 

Everyone nodded in agreement. Rhys turned the camera off.

 

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MoonlitMeowth: Okay, I know that the ending was rather abrupt, but I seem to have trouble ending these things. Besides, I don't really remember how they end the actual show. Either way, I need to come up with more funny tricks. I know I will, though…

 

Shinimegami: Sure, sis, it'll be funny!

 

MoonlitMeowth: Yeah, I've got a few in mind, actually… (big grin)

Shinimegami: Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

 

MoonlitMeowth: Yeah, well anyways, I hope you readers thought it was funny; it's actually a little difficult to write. But, I'm doing my best to word it funny!

 

Shinimegami: Yay for that!

 

MoonlitMeowth: And maybe next chapter I'll add more people. `Cause we need `em! XD