Fire Emblem Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass: Fire Emblem Style ❯ New recruits?! ( Chapter 3 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Armored Red Eyes 
Omg new people are joining the ranks?! This may entail some new stunts.
Anime/Manga: Fire Emblem Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.17.2013 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.2K | Visits: 322 | Status: Completed
Omg new people are joining the ranks?! This may entail some new stunts.
Anime/Manga: Fire Emblem Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.17.2013 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.2K | Visits: 322 | Status: Completed
MoonlitMeowth: Hey all! Sorry it took me so long to update! Trying to come up with good tricks and stuff…
Shinimegami: Sorry sis, but no one really cares what the reason was… Plus, people probably don’t even read your talky part.
MoonlitMeowth: I RESENT THAT!
Shinimegami: I’m sure you do. Anyway, enough talk. More Jackass. ^^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The camera turns on and the Greil Mercenaries can be seen, now with the official additions of Mist, Rolf, and Mia.
“Annnnnd action!” Rhys says to them.
“We’re the Greil Mercenaries and this is Jackass!” everyone screams.
Mist turns to her brother and gives him a hard look. “So how come me, Rolf, and Mia weren’t included in more stuff before?”
“Well, I just thought, ya know… You’re both kinda young and all…” Ike muttered, unable to think of a better reason.
“Hey! What about me?” Mia protested.
“Well, you know what?! You just decided to show up while we were in some random castle, so nyaaaaaaaaah!” Ike whined.
Without warning, Mia just suddenly punched out at Ike, hitting him square in the nose, and managing to knock him over.
“Owwww! My face!” Ike shouted, and suddenly passed out.
Then Shinon came up and randomly poured a pint of vodka on Ike’s unconscious form.
“That’s for that time you thought you were better than me!” he said drunkenly.
Suddenly everyone starts to randomly cheer, and Rhys turns the camera off.
It turns back on a few minutes later to show a sleeping Reyson sitting upright in a chair. Mist and Rolf have put both his feet in two separate buckets of concrete, and are fanning it dry.
After waiting for however long is needed, Mist clangs two pans together, waking up the heron instantly.
He tries to fly away on reaction, but can’t. He then looks at what’s holding him down, narrows his eyes at the buckets, and then, with all his strength, somehow manages to get into the air.
Then Boyd suddenly came into the room. “Hey guys! What’s going—”
He is suddenly cut off when Reyson suddenly comes back down directly on top of him, causing him to land flat on his back.
Mist and Rolf crack up laughing, while Reyson, from lack of energy, loses his balance, and falls on his back, landing like one large feather on Boyd’s face.
Rhys is laughing, mostly from the fact that Reyson could even fly at all, but he then comments on Boyd’s uncanny timing.
“Dude, I wasn’t sure what was going to come out of this trick, but that was priceless!”
“…there’s a heron…with two cement buckets…on my crotch. WILL SOMEONE GET THEM OFF OF ME?!?!”
Ike suddenly runs into the room, dressed up as a hockey player. “Hey guys!!! Ready for the next trick?! Oh, hey, Boyd. I guess I’ll see you there, okay?”
“Ike, you idiot!” Boyd yells, “My balls are getting crushed from two buckets of cement!!!”
“Well, when you get the chance, meet us outside, mmmkay?” Ike then prances happily out, followed by Mist and Rolf.
Rhys zooms in on Boyd’s pained expression, and then turns the camera off.
The camera then turns back on showing Ike and Soren dressed up as hockey players. They have all the equipment necessary for an actual hockey game, but they are on the sidewalk, preparing to suddenly run into the street.
“Okay, I’m Ike, and this is my buddy, Soren, and we’re gonna beat the crap out of each other in the middle of the street dressed as hockey players. Let’s see some reactions! YEAAAAAAAH!!!” he pulls his mask down, and then rushes out into the middle of the street with Soren in front of him.
The outfit and everything is too big for Soren, and he can’t help but keep tripping over everything, making it easier for Ike to beat him up. At one point as Soren trips over his gear again, his tries to use his hockey stick for support, but ends up whacking Ike right in his face, making him stumble on his ice stakes, and crash into a fire hydrant. For whatever reason, the hydrant falls over on impact and starts gushing large torrents of water all over the place. Cars are now veering out of control nearby as they try to avoid Soren who’s in the middle of the street and the surprise of the sudden geyser of water.
Ike is trying to regain his balance after falling over the fire hydrant, and he when he finally gets to his feet, he rushes over to Soren and tackles him full-on into a mailbox, knocking it over as well.
Rhys starts laughing really hard as Ike full on punches at Soren’s face and yells, “That play was uncalled for!”
Then Boyd finally makes it to the party, and he is dragging Reyson, whose feet are still encased in concrete, behind him. It looks like he still has a grudge against Ike because he lifts Reyson over his head, and lobs him over at Ike. Reyson is madly flapping his wings and waving his arms to try and get away, but his concrete feet hit Ike right in the head, and send both of them to the ground.
Ike looks like he’s out for the count, but the impact managed to free Reyson from his concrete wedges and he flies angrily back at Boyd, picking him up, and flying away into the sky with him.
“Whooaaaaaa!” everyone says as they shield their eyes from the sun and watch as Reyson and Boyd get smaller and Boyd’s screams for help shrink away to nothing.
“How did he manage to do that?” Mia asked.
“Well, he hangs around Tibarn a lot, so maybe there is some secret to getting stronger or something…” Rhys replies, a little worried about the fact that Reyson had the strength to do that.
Nobody really cared where he was taking Boyd because Ike started to wake up again and they wanted to capture his reaction. He groans and gets to his feet slowly, holding his head, which was bleeding a lot. When he takes his hand away, and sees the blood, he starts yelling at everyone around him.
“Hey what the hell?! Who did this? This wasn’t part of this!!”
As he starting really getting into yelling, suddenly both Mist and Rolf run up with the baseball bats and jump at the same time and hit Ike in the head, sending him back down on the ground again. They laugh hysterically and run off again from wherever they were hiding at.
Soren, meanwhile, was standing there watching Ike throughout the entire ordeal of him getting hurt, and just points and laughs once at him before rejoining the group. “C’mon, let’s get on with the next one.”
Rhys zooms in on Ike once before he’s about to turn off the camera, and right before he cuts off, he manages to capture Shinon undoing his fly, about to take a piss on Ike’s unconscious form. Then the camera goes off.
The camera comes back on to show Gatrie and Shinon sitting in one of their houses next to the telephone. Gatrie has a very wide grin on his face and Shinon is smirking, a bucket full of ice and a bottle of champagne not very far away from him.
“Hello, I’m Gatrie,” Gatrie started, and looked over at Shinon, who was starting to nod off slightly. He elbowed him rather hard.
“Wha-?!” Shinon barked, raising an annoyed eyebrow at Gatrie. “…oh. Yeah, and I’m Shinon…”
“And this is the Dial-a-Date trick!” Gatrie said with an even bigger grin. “We’re gonna call random numbers, see if the receiver is chick, if she’s single, and if she’ll go out with us!! It’s gonna be so awesome!”
“Yeah, maybe you’ll finally land yourself a girl…” Shinon grumbled, producing a glass of champagne suddenly even though he hadn’t popped his bottle of champagne yet.
All the guys started to get really excited because they knew this wouldn’t end well, especially with Gatrie and Shinon doing the calling. Rhys swooped his camera over the crew watching and caught Ike giggling like a schoolgirl while Oscar and Mia were debating over what types of things the girls were likely to say. Mist and Rolf were grinning like idiots and Titania and Soren were just watching Rhys filming.
“Okay I’m gonna dial the first number!” Gatrie said excitedly, punching in a random number.
“Make sure to put it on speaker!” Ike reminded him.
After the first ring, Gatrie put the phone on speaker and everybody waited for the phone to get picked up. Finally, a female voice answered.
“Hello?” she said plainly.
“Hi!” Gatrie said, trying to hide a laugh while everybody else around him snickered. “It’s your lucky day today if you’re a single lady!”
The woman paused before speaking, “…is this a joke?”
“No way! You just landed yourself a date with the famous mercenary Gatrie!”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well you better believe it lady!”
She hangs up at this point.
“Oh what?!” Gatrie yelled, looking at the phone.
Everybody started laughing at Gatrie.
“Gatrie, what did I tell you about getting to the point?” Shinon asked.
“You said it was better that way!”
“Yeah, well except for asking chicks out. Outta the way I’ll show you how it’s done.” he scoots over to the phone and dials in a random number.
“Watch and learn.” he smiles at everyone, still sober for now.
The phone rings and gets picked up on the third ring by a male voice.
“Hello?”
“Yeah…your daughter at home?”
“Who is this?”
“This is her…school counselor calling about…stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Well that’s supposed to be between me and her. So…is she there?”
At this point everybody is trying not to laugh too loud to give Shinon away, but it sounds like the guy is buying Shinon’s terrible bluff.
“Yeah…hang on.” The guy is heard calling to his daughter, and Shinon’s face turns to incredulousness as he can’t believe the guy actually has a daughter, and he has no idea how old she is.
“Hello?” a young girl’s voice answers.
“Heyyyyy,” Shinon starts, smiling like a creeper, “How old are you babe?”
“…what?”
“Just answer the question.” he takes a big drink of his champagne.
“18. Who is this?”
“Woo-hooooo we got a legal one!” Shinon yells, now getting drunk.
Gatrie just stares as this progresses.
“Look doll how would you feel going out on the town with a rich man with refined tastes?” Shinon’s words begin to slur.
“Uhhhh…I have a boyfriend already and I don’t even know who you are!”
“I’m your school counselor!!”
“Shinon?” Oscar chimes in, “You’re not supposed to tell her that!”
“What?” Shinon looks more drunk than ever for some reason, “I oughta kick your face in!” he takes the phone and hits Oscar in the face with it.
“Auuughh!” Oscar screams, falling down, and rolling on the floor.
“I thought you said you were gonna kick him!” Ike says laughing.
“Screw you Ikey!!!” Shinon screams and kicks Ike hard in the shin.
“AAAAAAUUUUUGHHH!!” Ike screams, going down too.
The girl on the phone starts screaming and for some reason hasn’t hung up on Shinon yet. Minutes later her father is back on line, demanding answers to what’s going on.
“SCREW YOU TOO OLD MAN!!!” Shinon yells and throws the phone so hard at the wall that it breaks.
“My phone!” Gatrie wails, looking at Shinon fearfully.
“I shoulda never let you talk me into this!!” Shinon tried punching at Gatrie, but overshot and overbalanced himself, falling to the ground.
Everybody started looking freaked out over Shinon’s random angry outburst. Rhys grabs his staff with one hand and runs over to Shinon and hits him over the head with it.
“There!” Rhys said, “I put a Sleep on him!”
“I thought you had to wave it, not actually make contact…” Mist said.
“Well this is how you keep them asleep longer!”
“Ohhhhhh okay!” Mist smiled, making a mental note of it.
Everybody started laughing at Rhys’ comment and the camera turned off.
………………………………………………………………………………..
MoonlitMeowth: Hey, if anybody has any ideas for future stunts or ideas, let me know! I could use something.
Shinimegami: Sorry sis, but no one really cares what the reason was… Plus, people probably don’t even read your talky part.
MoonlitMeowth: I RESENT THAT!
Shinimegami: I’m sure you do. Anyway, enough talk. More Jackass. ^^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The camera turns on and the Greil Mercenaries can be seen, now with the official additions of Mist, Rolf, and Mia.
“Annnnnd action!” Rhys says to them.
“We’re the Greil Mercenaries and this is Jackass!” everyone screams.
Mist turns to her brother and gives him a hard look. “So how come me, Rolf, and Mia weren’t included in more stuff before?”
“Well, I just thought, ya know… You’re both kinda young and all…” Ike muttered, unable to think of a better reason.
“Hey! What about me?” Mia protested.
“Well, you know what?! You just decided to show up while we were in some random castle, so nyaaaaaaaaah!” Ike whined.
Without warning, Mia just suddenly punched out at Ike, hitting him square in the nose, and managing to knock him over.
“Owwww! My face!” Ike shouted, and suddenly passed out.
Then Shinon came up and randomly poured a pint of vodka on Ike’s unconscious form.
“That’s for that time you thought you were better than me!” he said drunkenly.
Suddenly everyone starts to randomly cheer, and Rhys turns the camera off.
It turns back on a few minutes later to show a sleeping Reyson sitting upright in a chair. Mist and Rolf have put both his feet in two separate buckets of concrete, and are fanning it dry.
After waiting for however long is needed, Mist clangs two pans together, waking up the heron instantly.
He tries to fly away on reaction, but can’t. He then looks at what’s holding him down, narrows his eyes at the buckets, and then, with all his strength, somehow manages to get into the air.
Then Boyd suddenly came into the room. “Hey guys! What’s going—”
He is suddenly cut off when Reyson suddenly comes back down directly on top of him, causing him to land flat on his back.
Mist and Rolf crack up laughing, while Reyson, from lack of energy, loses his balance, and falls on his back, landing like one large feather on Boyd’s face.
Rhys is laughing, mostly from the fact that Reyson could even fly at all, but he then comments on Boyd’s uncanny timing.
“Dude, I wasn’t sure what was going to come out of this trick, but that was priceless!”
“…there’s a heron…with two cement buckets…on my crotch. WILL SOMEONE GET THEM OFF OF ME?!?!”
Ike suddenly runs into the room, dressed up as a hockey player. “Hey guys!!! Ready for the next trick?! Oh, hey, Boyd. I guess I’ll see you there, okay?”
“Ike, you idiot!” Boyd yells, “My balls are getting crushed from two buckets of cement!!!”
“Well, when you get the chance, meet us outside, mmmkay?” Ike then prances happily out, followed by Mist and Rolf.
Rhys zooms in on Boyd’s pained expression, and then turns the camera off.
The camera then turns back on showing Ike and Soren dressed up as hockey players. They have all the equipment necessary for an actual hockey game, but they are on the sidewalk, preparing to suddenly run into the street.
“Okay, I’m Ike, and this is my buddy, Soren, and we’re gonna beat the crap out of each other in the middle of the street dressed as hockey players. Let’s see some reactions! YEAAAAAAAH!!!” he pulls his mask down, and then rushes out into the middle of the street with Soren in front of him.
The outfit and everything is too big for Soren, and he can’t help but keep tripping over everything, making it easier for Ike to beat him up. At one point as Soren trips over his gear again, his tries to use his hockey stick for support, but ends up whacking Ike right in his face, making him stumble on his ice stakes, and crash into a fire hydrant. For whatever reason, the hydrant falls over on impact and starts gushing large torrents of water all over the place. Cars are now veering out of control nearby as they try to avoid Soren who’s in the middle of the street and the surprise of the sudden geyser of water.
Ike is trying to regain his balance after falling over the fire hydrant, and he when he finally gets to his feet, he rushes over to Soren and tackles him full-on into a mailbox, knocking it over as well.
Rhys starts laughing really hard as Ike full on punches at Soren’s face and yells, “That play was uncalled for!”
Then Boyd finally makes it to the party, and he is dragging Reyson, whose feet are still encased in concrete, behind him. It looks like he still has a grudge against Ike because he lifts Reyson over his head, and lobs him over at Ike. Reyson is madly flapping his wings and waving his arms to try and get away, but his concrete feet hit Ike right in the head, and send both of them to the ground.
Ike looks like he’s out for the count, but the impact managed to free Reyson from his concrete wedges and he flies angrily back at Boyd, picking him up, and flying away into the sky with him.
“Whooaaaaaa!” everyone says as they shield their eyes from the sun and watch as Reyson and Boyd get smaller and Boyd’s screams for help shrink away to nothing.
“How did he manage to do that?” Mia asked.
“Well, he hangs around Tibarn a lot, so maybe there is some secret to getting stronger or something…” Rhys replies, a little worried about the fact that Reyson had the strength to do that.
Nobody really cared where he was taking Boyd because Ike started to wake up again and they wanted to capture his reaction. He groans and gets to his feet slowly, holding his head, which was bleeding a lot. When he takes his hand away, and sees the blood, he starts yelling at everyone around him.
“Hey what the hell?! Who did this? This wasn’t part of this!!”
As he starting really getting into yelling, suddenly both Mist and Rolf run up with the baseball bats and jump at the same time and hit Ike in the head, sending him back down on the ground again. They laugh hysterically and run off again from wherever they were hiding at.
Soren, meanwhile, was standing there watching Ike throughout the entire ordeal of him getting hurt, and just points and laughs once at him before rejoining the group. “C’mon, let’s get on with the next one.”
Rhys zooms in on Ike once before he’s about to turn off the camera, and right before he cuts off, he manages to capture Shinon undoing his fly, about to take a piss on Ike’s unconscious form. Then the camera goes off.
The camera comes back on to show Gatrie and Shinon sitting in one of their houses next to the telephone. Gatrie has a very wide grin on his face and Shinon is smirking, a bucket full of ice and a bottle of champagne not very far away from him.
“Hello, I’m Gatrie,” Gatrie started, and looked over at Shinon, who was starting to nod off slightly. He elbowed him rather hard.
“Wha-?!” Shinon barked, raising an annoyed eyebrow at Gatrie. “…oh. Yeah, and I’m Shinon…”
“And this is the Dial-a-Date trick!” Gatrie said with an even bigger grin. “We’re gonna call random numbers, see if the receiver is chick, if she’s single, and if she’ll go out with us!! It’s gonna be so awesome!”
“Yeah, maybe you’ll finally land yourself a girl…” Shinon grumbled, producing a glass of champagne suddenly even though he hadn’t popped his bottle of champagne yet.
All the guys started to get really excited because they knew this wouldn’t end well, especially with Gatrie and Shinon doing the calling. Rhys swooped his camera over the crew watching and caught Ike giggling like a schoolgirl while Oscar and Mia were debating over what types of things the girls were likely to say. Mist and Rolf were grinning like idiots and Titania and Soren were just watching Rhys filming.
“Okay I’m gonna dial the first number!” Gatrie said excitedly, punching in a random number.
“Make sure to put it on speaker!” Ike reminded him.
After the first ring, Gatrie put the phone on speaker and everybody waited for the phone to get picked up. Finally, a female voice answered.
“Hello?” she said plainly.
“Hi!” Gatrie said, trying to hide a laugh while everybody else around him snickered. “It’s your lucky day today if you’re a single lady!”
The woman paused before speaking, “…is this a joke?”
“No way! You just landed yourself a date with the famous mercenary Gatrie!”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well you better believe it lady!”
She hangs up at this point.
“Oh what?!” Gatrie yelled, looking at the phone.
Everybody started laughing at Gatrie.
“Gatrie, what did I tell you about getting to the point?” Shinon asked.
“You said it was better that way!”
“Yeah, well except for asking chicks out. Outta the way I’ll show you how it’s done.” he scoots over to the phone and dials in a random number.
“Watch and learn.” he smiles at everyone, still sober for now.
The phone rings and gets picked up on the third ring by a male voice.
“Hello?”
“Yeah…your daughter at home?”
“Who is this?”
“This is her…school counselor calling about…stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Well that’s supposed to be between me and her. So…is she there?”
At this point everybody is trying not to laugh too loud to give Shinon away, but it sounds like the guy is buying Shinon’s terrible bluff.
“Yeah…hang on.” The guy is heard calling to his daughter, and Shinon’s face turns to incredulousness as he can’t believe the guy actually has a daughter, and he has no idea how old she is.
“Hello?” a young girl’s voice answers.
“Heyyyyy,” Shinon starts, smiling like a creeper, “How old are you babe?”
“…what?”
“Just answer the question.” he takes a big drink of his champagne.
“18. Who is this?”
“Woo-hooooo we got a legal one!” Shinon yells, now getting drunk.
Gatrie just stares as this progresses.
“Look doll how would you feel going out on the town with a rich man with refined tastes?” Shinon’s words begin to slur.
“Uhhhh…I have a boyfriend already and I don’t even know who you are!”
“I’m your school counselor!!”
“Shinon?” Oscar chimes in, “You’re not supposed to tell her that!”
“What?” Shinon looks more drunk than ever for some reason, “I oughta kick your face in!” he takes the phone and hits Oscar in the face with it.
“Auuughh!” Oscar screams, falling down, and rolling on the floor.
“I thought you said you were gonna kick him!” Ike says laughing.
“Screw you Ikey!!!” Shinon screams and kicks Ike hard in the shin.
“AAAAAAUUUUUGHHH!!” Ike screams, going down too.
The girl on the phone starts screaming and for some reason hasn’t hung up on Shinon yet. Minutes later her father is back on line, demanding answers to what’s going on.
“SCREW YOU TOO OLD MAN!!!” Shinon yells and throws the phone so hard at the wall that it breaks.
“My phone!” Gatrie wails, looking at Shinon fearfully.
“I shoulda never let you talk me into this!!” Shinon tried punching at Gatrie, but overshot and overbalanced himself, falling to the ground.
Everybody started looking freaked out over Shinon’s random angry outburst. Rhys grabs his staff with one hand and runs over to Shinon and hits him over the head with it.
“There!” Rhys said, “I put a Sleep on him!”
“I thought you had to wave it, not actually make contact…” Mist said.
“Well this is how you keep them asleep longer!”
“Ohhhhhh okay!” Mist smiled, making a mental note of it.
Everybody started laughing at Rhys’ comment and the camera turned off.
………………………………………………………………………………..
MoonlitMeowth: Hey, if anybody has any ideas for future stunts or ideas, let me know! I could use something.