Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ All of Me ❯ Crucify ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

All of Me

P.S The italic quotes are from "Crucify" by Tori Amos, kind of morbid song but to me very relevant to this fic and the first song quote in the beginning is from "My Immortal" both songs I do not own.

Chapter Two: Crucify

I have made my decision.

I have got a bowling ball in my stomach

Tonight I'll runaway.

I got a desert in my mouth.

Normally I wouldn't even consider such an option for what is Kagura Souma but stubborn and courageous.

Figures that my courage would chose to sell out now

But I am out of options. I can't stay here because just seeing them together, knowing that they live under the same roof is driving me crazy; but on the other hand I don't want to stand in the way of love, especially theirs. It is so hard to just resign myself to just remain hidden in the shadows while they pursue this relationship. I am alone in this venture of healing and search for my purpose in this life.

Why do we crucify ourselves?

Home is slowly coming into sight, a warm welcome to a traveler. Quickly I slide the front door back and slip off my shoes. I glance at the mat to notice only one other pair of shoes lying on the mat, Rin's school shoes. Since she is not in the living room or the kitchen she is probably in her room studying or writing more poetry. Most people don't know this about Rin but she is a very good writer and her poems, though a bit dark a morbid sometimes, are enjoyable to read from time to time. Anyway since she is nowhere to be found that means that I will at least have at least an hour to myself. More than enough time to pack before I leave.

I've been raising up my hands

As I scuffle down the hallway in my house slippers I suddenly find myself bombarded by the unwanted emotions that I wanted to run away from.

Drive another nail in

Not now I try to plead, I don't want to be overwhelmed by these stupid feelings not when I still have to plan out my escape. My fortitude lasts long enough to get me behind the door of my room, for as soon as I slide it shut I feel the first scolding tear drop slide down my face. I don't want to cry! Not now, not when I have already fleshed out the wounds deeper than I had wished to. I keep telling myself that there is nothing that I can do.

Just what God needs, one more victim

I can't change his mind in just days after I have wasted years doing everything in my power to get him to love me. He loves her; I can't change that anymore than I can change the curse that plagues the life of my relatives and myself. I can't.deal with this overwhelming pain and rejection. I feel like dying.

Why do we crucify ourselves?

Slowly I walk across my room, half blinded by tears, to reach my bed, which I throw myself upon. Feeling the warm softness and comfort of the familiar sheets and mound of pillows causes my tears to fall anew. I want to end this mad roller coaster of emotion but each time I try to bring all of these troubling thoughts and emotions into the open I close them up before I start to reach too deep. Heaven only knows what lies at the heart of this matter.

Everyday I crucify myself

But I have to face all of it now because I have kept everything locked away for so long. The tears gush endlessly from the corners of my eyes that I have closed tightly to prevent their escape. I can't cry because everyone could tell just by looking at my dry red eyes and blushing nose and cheeks that I have been crying. This I can't allow to happen. It is my responablity to keep cheerful; my burden to act normal, as if none of what is going on around me is affecting me. It is next to impossible to smile if you have tears in your eyes and a heart that feels like a thousand pound weight hanging in your chest.

And my heart is sick of being in these chains

I need to break away from this cycle of pain and restriction but even now when I am planning to escape the source of the problem do I find myself incapable of doing anything but crying.

I've got to have my suffering

Tonight will be the night that I end all of this pain but how can I do that if it keeps returning with each fresh teardrop? Let it go. Just forget about him for an hour or two, long enough to pack your bags and leave forever. I try to tell myself these things as encouragement but all the words do is open the wounds wider. Leave forever? Never to come back to at least visit my family and cousins? Never be able to see Tohru or Kyou ever again?

So I can have my cross

Suddenly I picture Tohru and Kyou older, out of college, and with a family of their own. I couldn't have helped it, I screamed. I buried my face into the nearest pillow and holler my heartbroken screams into the fluffed goose feathers. No! I don't want to see them married; I don't want to see them ever again! I can live without ever seeing my family just as long as I don't have to see them start a life together.

I know a cat named Easter who says, "Will you ever learn?"

That is it; I lift myself off of my bed to the floor. Quickly I sling the door to my closet open as I rummage around for the lightest suitcase in my possession yet big enough to hold a suitable amount of clothing and other necessities while I journey onward to my new life. My hands shake as they busy themselves with stuffing the suitcase that I have chosen. Tears still fall as soon as I wipe their ancestors away. I have got to get out of this house, out of the Souma complex, and more importantly out of this hell of turbulent emotions. There is no need to stay where I am not needed especially now that I am starting to feel like I am slowly dying from the inside out.

You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

My suitcase is halfway full by the time my mind clears just enough for me to realize just what I am doing.

I have been raising up my hand, drive another nail in

Running away from home. Is that a real solution or just another substitution for the cure? Besides isn't running away from one's problems something childish and immature action to take? I am an adult now; I should be able to handle this in an adult manner instead of running the other direction. Why can't I just talk to Kyo and Thoru face to face and tell them how I feel? Why can't I just be honest when it really counts?

Got enough guilt to start my own religion

At this moment I realize that even thought I am an adult I am still holding on to my fears like a child. I fear Kyou's rejection, I fear what Tohru will think of me when I tell her that I am still in love with her boyfriend. I don't want to see their expressions, I don't want to hear their replies or feel their pity. I just want to escape it all before it becomes too late. With that in mind I finish packing my suitcase and shutting it with a firm snap. There is no turning back now, I am leaving and nothing is going to stop me.

Or at least that is what I thought before I slide the door of my room open. Upon sliding the door fully out of my way did I see Rin calmly standing in the darken hallway as if she had all the time in the world. I feel a warm flush spread across my face now that I realize that I have been caught. This feeling lasts for only a moment because I remember that I am not alone in this heartache because Rin herself must have experienced these same feelings when she had to break up with Haru. Yes, if anyone was to understand what I was going through it would be Rin so she wouldn't prevent me from escaping; or so I thought.

Please be

"Kagura, what are you doing?" Rin asked in a cold and detached sort of tone. A chill creeps down my spine as I mentally compare Rin's voice to my mother's scolding tone. I move to open my mouth, as my brain searches for an excuse but before I can even reply Rin lunges forward and snatches the loaded suitcase away from my hand.

Save me

"Hey, give that back Rin!" I cry out in protest but my cousin ignores my plea and tosses the suitcase across the hall. I wince as the shattering glass indicates that it hit one of the picture frames lining the wall; Rin however seems unaffected by the noise or the possibility that she had broken one of my mother's picture frames. Instead she crosses into the threshold of my room, her dark chocolate eyes giving me a level-calculating stare. Suddenly before I can even blink an eyelash Rin's right hands comes flying in to smack me across the face. I stumble backward from my cousin out of pain and recoil.

Slowly I raise my hand to the wounded cheek, my eyes growing wide as my cousin sits down on the end of my bed as if nothing is wrong, that she hadn't just hauled off and smacked my face for no apparent reason. I couldn't help but ask her why even though I refused to move close to her just in case she would slap me again.

Rin lifted her head to face me and for a moment our eyes meet but then she turned her gaze to some other point in my room. With the same cold and level voice she replied, "I hit you because I was hoping to knock some sense into you."

I blink my eyes owlishly, "Knock some sense into me?" I laugh, not a fun or relived laugh but a bitter phony laugh that sounds fake even to my own ears. I muster up my best, no-I-am-alright-smile as I return Rin's comment, "You're so silly Rin! I may not seem all together sometimes that isn't a reason to just slap the crud out of me."

Rin whipped her head around to face me, her dark eyes now narrowed in anger. I can't suppress a cringe as she arises from the end of my bed to approach me. But I hadn't needed to worry because all she did was pull up one of my chairs to sit across from me. For a few moments we just stared at each other, both projecting masks to one another even though we both knew that the other was bluffing. We are very close friends and cousins that we are almost blood related sisters so it is next to impossible to keep secrets from one another.

Finally Rin broke the silence with a heavy sigh before she spoke; "As much as I hate to ask this Kagura but what is wrong?"

"Nothing." I reply quickly, apparently too quickly for Rin's taste because her eyes narrow again.

"Kagura, we both know that you're lying so why not just get it over with and tell me why you have been acting so strange recently?"

"I am not acting strange."

"You have been crying again." Rin cut in tartly.

"No.." I start to say but my voice trails off into oblivion because I know that I can't lie to her so openly.

Again silence falls upon us. I refuse to tell her anything. This is my responsibility, no one else's burden but my own. Why can't she see that? Why can't he leave me alone? Just let me escape.

"This is all about Kyou, isn't?" Rin questions but the way she says it lets me know that she has understood all along why I have been acting "strange".

I cry

Before I can even thinking of stopping myself I begin crying all over again. Strangled sobs struggle to rise out of my throat as bitter hot tears flow down my face unabated. My hands move to cover my face as if to cover the obvious in vain. I can't stand this anymore. I just can't keep it all inside of me, and yet I am so ashamed of breaking down in front of someone especially Rin. I have always admired her even though she is younger than me; but I admire her strength the most, which was very evident when she willingly let Haru go for his own good even though it deeply pained her to do so.

I have been raising up my hands, drive another nail in

Why can't I be strong like that?

Why do I always have to seek solace instead of being able to keep my feelings locked away until I can deal with them on my own?

Where are those angels when you need them?

I was so absorbed inside my misery that I hadn't noticed that Rin had moved from her chair until I felt her arms embrace me. I tried to back away but she held me tighter.

"Shhh, it's alright Kagura. I know. I know how you feel."

Everyday we crucify ourselves

Those words made me feel so much better. She understood how it was to lose someone important to you. But on the other hand she didn't understand this level of pain. I never let Kyou go willingly like I did, a girl whom I had considered a friend stole him from me. Rin couldn't understand the guilt and pain I was going through.

Everyday I crucify myself

"You.you don't understand." I whispered even as she moved to tilt my head to rest on her chest.

"I do understand Kagura." Rin replied softly.

"You don't!" I yell as I tried to punch her with my balled up fists. How dare she try to sympathize with me when she could never understand this horrible pain that is consuming me. Rin blocked my fist with her free arm. I lifted my head to glare at her with my red-rimmed eyes, "Stop pretending to understand. I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help!"

I spun out of Rin's reach and headed for the door. Surprised that she hadn't reached out to capture me again I turned my head to see her standing right where I left her, her head lowered with her long hair covering her face. At first I thought that Rin was so angry with me that she couldn't bare to even look at me. But just as I turned to walk away I heard the first sobs. Rin was.crying? This is wrong. I have never seen Rin cry before and I have known her for years.

Why do we crucify ourselves?

I stood frozen in front of my partially open door, stunned by this revelation. I listened to Rin as she struggled to stifle her cries. Her tear-choked voice startled me, "Do you think it was easy for me.to leave Haru?"

"No," I replied almost instantly, "I can't imagine how you must have felt."

"The same way you do." Rin said as she lifted her head. I can see the tears simmering off of her face and eyes.

"I felt hurt that I couldn't hang on to him, that I couldn't be with him forever. I hated myself for letting him go, I hated him for not protesting or at least asking why. I felt guilty for abandoning him and the relationship that we had created together. I feel bitter knowing that what is done is done and that one day he will find someone better than me. And even though I know that what I did was the right thing, I still can't help but feel sad."

I couldn't find the words to say to Rin. I didn't have anything to apologize for, I didn't know if she needed to be consoled or if she was telling me this to help me.

"Rin I…"

"Don't you see Kagura, I know what you are going through." Rin cut in. "I know better than anyone what it feels like to give the one you love for someone else; but I do feel sorry for you because you have to watch them be together rather than wait for it to happen. You want them to be happy together but yet you can't let go."

I nodded in reply, "Yes, that is why I was going to run away."

"That won't solve anything!" Rin said sharply.

I shook my head as tears began to well in my eyes again, "The more time I spend here thinking about what they mean to each other, how I can't interfere for fear of ruining everything, how I have to keep all of this pain bottled inside of me; the more I die inside. Maybe if I am out of the picture Kyou and Tohru can move their relationship forward without having to worry about me getting in the way."

"You selfish bitch!" Rin hissed, "You're such a hypocrite! You say that you want Kyou and Tohru to be happy and yet you plan on running away from home? How do you think they will feel when they find out that you ran away because of their relationship? That ditz Tohru would probably kill her relationship with Kyou out of guilt and Kyou would become even more embittered than he has been in the past because of it. Is that what you want Kagura, to ruin their lives because of your selfishness?"

"Then what should I do?" I ask.

"Just keep doing what you have been doing, only confide your pain in those you trust so long as you don't interfere with Tohru or Kyou. It may be hard but running away isn't the answer."

Nothing I do is good enough for you

"I am not like you!" I yelled back at Rin. "I can't just keep it all inside of me; I have got to express myself and my emotions otherwise I'll explode. I can't stay here just watching them become closer and closer without saying or doing something that everyone will end up regretting in the end."

Why do we..

There is nothing left to say, both of us have exhausted our lies and our excuses to the point that we are both sick of each other's presence. I move to open the door all of the way; hopefully I can retrieve my suitcase from the hall and continue on with my plan. My absence won't cause anyone pain or grief. This is the only solution to my problem. Maybe when I am stronger or have a love of my own will I return to visit my relatives but right now it hurts too much.

…Crucify ourselves?

"Kagura,"

I turned my head to see Rin standing in the doorway of my room. I give her a stare that tells her that I am tired of her trying to talk me out of it; but for once that wasn't her intentions.

Everyday I..

"If you really want to go through with this the least you can do is say goodbye to Kyou."

Crucify…

"No. The last thing I want to do is see him." I growl as I pick up my suitcase.

Myself

"Please," Rin pleaded, "For my sake just talk to him before you go. You don't even have to tell him that you are leaving or why. Just talk to him."

Why do we…

"Why do you care?" I asked.

"I don't care about Kyou or Tohru's relationship. I care about you and since this whole mess is tearing you apart the least you can do is find out whether what is going between Tohru and Kyou is a love interest or not. It would be stupid to have you take off for years only for you to come back and find out that they were never together to begin with."

Curcify ourselves?

That sounded reasonable enough, but Rin has forgotten that I can't control myself when I am around Kyou; I haven't had a normal conversation with him for years. Our visits always begin and end with me beating the crud out of Kyou, not a real icebreaker or a proper farewell in my opinion.

"I'll think about it Rin." I lie before I pick up my suitcase and exit the hall. I pause for a moment wondering if I should leave my mother a note or not. I decide not to. Let her worry. I am an adult now, so I can take care of myself.

I slide my shoes back on then close the front door behind me with a click, locking it in place. With my suitcase in hand I walk towards the dimly light pathway that lead out of the Souma complex and out into the world.

Finally I'll be able to escape this place. No more pain, no more suffering, no more demands to fall short of. I cock my head slightly to see the light on in my bedroom. Rin is leaning out of the window, too far away for me to read the expression on her face. Is she angry with me? Disappointed? Well too bad because I'll never come back and I refuse to talk to Kyou.