Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ All of Me ❯ Everything ( Chapter 3 )

All of Me

 

Warning: Some characters may be a tab bit OOC…if so please forgive me.

Everything

Find me here…

Walking down a very familiar dirt pathway I found myself moving backward then forward. Almost half a mile behind me was the entrance or rather exit into civilization, to paved streets that could go on forever, one or two that might lead to my original destination of the airport, but these paths for being so close now seemed worlds away as I kept trotting forward. My hands still clutching my full suitcase began to twinge in discomfort but the rest of my body was determined to walk onward.

More than once the question of just why I was here bothered me. Why was I here? Haven't I spent most of my energy not to mention all of my sanity just to get away from the place and the illicit emotions that one of its occupants arouses? Who know because I sure don't. I swear to you I had no intention to come here. I was standing on the curb and had just hailed a taxi but just as the driver pulled up I found myself turning around and walking this way.

Turning my head I know that now is the time to turn back since I haven't yet reached the house or even approached close enough to have anyone see me and yet my feet keep walking. I am so frustrated that I could scream.

I don't want to see him!

I don't want him to see how much of a coward I am!

That's why I have to turn back.

But…I can't.

Because I must see him.

Biting my lips I feel emotions so strong that they overwhelm my very thoughts over. Before I know it I am running, my legs striding out faster with each footfall until the last footfall lands me directly in front of a screen door that I have shattered to pieces more than once. This time though rather than trembling with excitement I am afraid as my right hand leaves the safety of the suitcase handle to reach out and slowly pull back the screen door.

I don't want to do this.

Why can't my heart just let me run away and hide?

Beating in response to my question the aforementioned literally aches just thinking about seeing Kyo but at the same time is elated beyond measure.

So my hand rests against the door, limp and unwilling to even push it back to let a little light from the living room shine out onto me.

And speak to me…

“Kagura?”

I blinked at hearing my name called. Slowly I looked up to see Shigure standing in the now half open doorway. He's face looked surprised and he held a half finished cigarette in his right hand.

Mustering up the best smile that I could I arise to my feet only to have the dam holding back my tears break loose. My arms instantly grasped around the cousin who I had always viewed as a big brother. I rested my head against his clothed chest, his yakata robe smelling of cigarette smoke with a small hint of an earthy scent…maybe pine but at the moment I didn't care what he smelled like just that I needed a shoulder to cry on right then and there.

I want to feel you

I sobbed against his chest, my entire body shivering as I tried so hard to speak, to apologize for being at his house so late, for crying, for every single sin I had ever committed in my life but no words came out just strangled wet croaks. Shigure wrapping his arms around me only made it worse though since I really didn't want him to touch me. Only Kyo had the right to hold me if I was crying. But then again I didn't protest to the brotherly embrace either.

Somehow Shigure had managed to maneuver me inside the house. He said something about me sitting down while he got tea but I clung to his robe, still crying but not as violently as before, until he had to pry my hands away from him and promise that he would be back.

Having no choice but to believe him I sat down on the floor, curling my legs underneath me. My tear blurred eyes just stared ahead for a few moments. I've never felt so emotionally weak in my entire life. Sure my anger and my passion have overcome me lots of times but at this moment I felt so lost and vulnerable.

I need to hear you.

At that moment the screen door opened again and I could hear Thoru's voice along with my heart's passion/enemy. They were having a very animate conversation about something…I really wasn't listening. I couldn't help but cringe as I felt another wet tear slide down my face.

Thoru must have spotted me first because I heard a small surprised gasp and then her sweet voice calling out,” Kagura-san? What are you doing here so late?”

I glanced up just as Kyo was slowly edging away from Thoru trying to make his escape from me.

A small bittersweet smile came on my lips as I remained seated but my hands underneath the table trembled.

I looked over Thoru's shoulders to glance at him trying to tell him that it was alright, that I wasn't going to `attack' him this time.

He stared back at me. A very puzzled expression crossed his face and only then did he bound up stairs, most likely the roof, without another word spoke to either Thoru or myself.

With an inescapable sigh I lowered my head, my gaze only facing the table.

Thoru slowly walked over to the table and then sat at the end opposite of me.

For an eternal moment silence passed between us then finally Thoru spoke first.

“So…what brings you out here Kagura-san?”

I so wanted to be cruel. More than ever I wanted to scream at her but kept silent which was just as well since at that moment Shigure came in and placed a cup of tea in front of me, which I didn't bother to pick up.

Shigure cleared his throat and delicately asked Thoru to leave me and him alone to talk. She agreed and left the room in favor to clean up the kitchen and get a head start on fixing the lunches for tomorrow's school day.

Taking Thoru's spot across from me Shigure pulled an ashtray close to him and lit another cigarette.

Seconds ticked by like hours as I seemed to focus on nothing else but the steam slowly rising from my tea and then quickly disappearing.

“So?” Shigure began as he grinded the butt of his cigarette out.

“So what?” I asked dully.

“Would you mind telling me what you are doing here Kagura? With a suitcase? And practically bawling your eyes out?”

I felt my fists close in on themselves, my body shivered again as tears threatened to fall again.

“I…I am running away from home.” I replied weakly, knowing very well that he would find such a move very childish and even stupid.

He didn't say any of those things though, not even hinted as thinking of such. He only shrugged his shoulders and calmly replied, “I figured as much. The question is why Kagura?”

“I'd rather not say,” I whispered as I attempted to reach for the cup of now lukewarm tea.

A delicate ebony brow lifted up as Shigure replied, “You might as well tell me now Kagura. Otherwise I'll have no choice but guess…and I'll most likely be wrong.”

I shrugged in response as I took a small sip of the tea, it was very bitter and needed some sugar.

“Hmm let me think. This wouldn't have anything to do with our resident flower and a certain orange headed kitty would it?”

Clash.

The hand holding the cup was suddenly empty as pieces of blue china littered my side of the table, but these pieces weren't merely broken but crushed in my grip.

I tried so hard to smile, “You were right about you guessing wrong.” I laughed weakly as I tried to scoot away from the tea that was dripping off of the table and onto the floor.

Shigure glanced up at me, all jokes aside he really does have a scary gaze when you're the one caught under it.

“Kagura I know you better than that. You're worried about Thoru and Kyou…”

“That's a lie!” I snapped loudly my right hand smashing against the wooden table sending some china pieces flying to the floor to wallow in the shallow pools of tea.

Suddenly I came back to my senses but by then it was too late to deny my outburst.

And what's worse was that Shigure knew that I couldn't deny my feelings. I've never been closed about anything. That's why I admire him and Rin, they are strong people who can easily turn their emotions on or off for the most part, or even change themselves so that others don't know what their feeling.

I slowly spoke in trembles, “It's not true is it? That there are…together?” I asked weakly, dreading and yet expecting the answer.

Shigure leaned back, his head resting against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest,” That really isn't my place to say. You should ask Thoru or Kyo.”

That made perfect sense of course…but damn near imposable for me to achieve and I told Shigure as much.

“So that's it then. You're going to run away from a broken heart?” he asked, sounding a bit resentful.

“Yes. But Shigure you don't understand…”

“I understand that you're a coward. And if that's the case then I am very disappointed in you Kagura because I thought you had a strong will that nothing especially petty jealousy could kill…”

“S…she…” I began to stutter.

“Don't blame Thoru for your cowardice. It isn't her fault..”

“Yes it is!” I howled, covering my own ears to keep from hearing my own screams.

“It's her fault! It always has been! I wish she never came to this place! I wish that she never met Kyo!”

Even though I was screaming my lungs out Shigure, just a calm as the beginning stated, “True. It might have been better if she never came to us.”

This confession shocked me.

“..What did you say?” I asked softly.

Shigure continued, “I said you're correct in assuming that everything would have been better without her. Kyo would still be a raving bad tempered angst ridden kitten, Yuki would still be a timid, tormented soul, yours truly…well I wouldn't have changed much actually, Ayama wouldn't have reconnected with his `lost' littler brother. Hatori would still be…”

“Alright I get the picture.” I muttered now feeling terrible for every single word that I had tossed out.

Folding my arms onto the table I laid my head across them staring up at Shigure.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

I scowled, “Seriously.”

“Alright alright. Yes you may ask Kagura.”

I took in a deep breath but that really didn't help, better than nothing I suppose.

“Have you ever…fallen in love with someone?” I asked so abruptly that at first I thought Shigure didn't quite hear me.

But a soft chuckle from his end of the table told me otherwise.

“Maybe,” was his cryptic reply.

I frowned at him, “Be serious.”

He wasn't laughing now.

I searched his face for a hint of him holding back a snicker but nothing was visible on his face.

A literal brick wall only with flesh and human features stared back at me or rather past me as if he was wracking his brains to figure out if he had ever really been in love before.

Taking another cigarette out of his pack…he's going to end up killing himself with those things one of these day, him and Hatori both. Shigure's held his gaze with mine. Still unwavering and determined, he must want to make me crack or confess something.

Taking a slow drag from the white cylinder his gazed softened slightly from glaring to thoughtful.

“Let me ask you a question Kagura and be honest with me.”

I gave him a curt nod then waited what seemed like forever for him to ask his infernal question.

Finally he rested his cigarette onto the ash try and placed both arms on the table folding his hands to support his chin as he looked at me.

“What makes you think that you are in love with Kyo?”

A few months ago I would have gawked at the question

How do I know if I am in love with Kyo?

Why the very fact that I am living and breathing should be enough reason.

But months now seem like an entirely different lifetime.

Curling my fists against the grain of the wooden table I feel skin grow cold but I can't cry again, mostly because all my tears have been wasted early this evening from sunset up until this moment.

Now…

“I…I am not sure.” I whispered my eyes landing on the broken tea cup which I suddenly feel kinship to.

Shigure snorted, “You can do better than that.”

I remained silent, biting my lip to the point that I could have drawn blood.

“Kagura..” Shigure began in warning tone.

“I can't do it!” I finally cried out, my hand reaching to the couch where my suitcase laid.

“Just let me go! Let me run away.”

“No I can't…” Shigure began to protest

I spun my head back to glare at him.

“D…don't you dare try to stop me either Shigure!” I screamed as my hand grasped my bag and I stood up.

“Kagura wait!” Shigure said scrambling to his feet.

“I am tried of waiting!” I yelled in his face.

My eyes seemed to have found a reservoir of salt water because tears flowed again down my cheeks.

Saying what I thought was my final thoughts on the matter I rushed across the room to pull open the door. As soon as I had slung it back, I blindly ran into the forest. I had to get as far away from the house as I possibility could.

This wasn't meant to happen though. Leaning up against the trunk of a tree I let out a deep shaking sigh. The hand holding my suitcase slowly sank and then grew slack dropping it to my feet.

Shigure is right…my courage that allowed me to openly speak my heart has failed me when I needed it most.

Sinking to my knees I try so hard to choke back the tears that I thought had dried awhile back.

Why?

I've told people that I love Kyo so why does it hurt so much to be honest now?

Why couldn't I give an answer to Shigure's question?

Do I…do I really love Kyo?

A sharp pain rippled through my heart.

Could I be leaving the safety of home for the wrong reason?

What am I really running away from?

You are the light….

Leaving my suitcase beside the tree I pick myself off of the ground, absently brush off the dirt on the fabric of my dress and then march myself back inside the house. I slide open the door much to the surprise of Shigure but I don't speak a word to him or even look his way because I fear any distraction might cause me to lose focus.

That's leading me to the place…

Climbing up the stairs I reach the second floor. Yuki's bedroom door is open as he leans over his desk probably studying for some test or maybe even working on something for the student counsel but it really doesn't matter to me. As usual my mind is only focused on one thing…or rather one person but for a different reason. Normally this sort of automation is exciting and a bit frightening, exciting in the fact that I am so overwhelmed with joy that I just want to hug Kyo to pieces…frightening in the same way because I sometimes go a bit overboard and become slightly unhinged. Reaching standing underneath the ladder leading to the roof I climb up sliding the `secret' panel back allowing me enough space to crawl through.

Where I find peace again

Crowning over the top of the panel and onto the roof I gulp as I glanced down at the ground. I've always hated being high up, near petrified actually but even when I was little I would always be dead determined to reach Kyo when he would scramble up into his high hiding places. Looking away from the slanted drop I almost step over Kyo whom is calmly lying on his back, face turned to the sky but his eyes are closed.

He just looks so handsome…and peaceful. Mind you his energy is one of the things I like about him…but I would often wish he wouldn't yell so much.

Not wanting to disturb him I scooted back a bit and sat down Indian style, for a few moments I spent silently contemplating his relaxed face.

If this was the work of Thoru's presence then I sincerely take back all the things I said earlier…but at the same time I feel so distant from him even though we're inches apart.

I want to reach out and touch him, to brush my fingers against his orange locks but I silently bite my lip, curling my fingers tightly into the skin of my knees causing white marks to appear in the skin.

I am a horrible, monstrous person for wanting to touch someone who isn't mine.

But at the same time…if I don't love Kyo…then who am I?

He's been apart of my existence for so long that without him…

I can't do this anymore I have to reach out to him. Bring him back for just a few moments. I want to remind him that I am here, that I want to actually talk to him and not give chase.

Gently I place my hand on his shoulder…my fingers trembling slightly as I brushed against his shirt then I saw more than felt his hand slowly clasp over mine.

I let out a soft gasp.

He knew that I was here and yet he didn't want to run away from me?!

My heart swelled for a brief moment only then…

“What are you doing here?” he asked in a gruff manner.

“I…uh that is…” I began to stutter as my hand started to tremble again this time trapped under his.

He opened his eyes gazing at me in suspicion before slowly releasing my hand then sitting up. The defensive glare in his eyes never left.

“I…I wanted to talk to you.” I whispered as I gazed down at my hand he had pulled away from.

“Talk?!” he snorted, “Normally you chase me around the house and try to beat the crap out of me over stuff I didn't do…”

“Not tonight.” I cut in, still staring down at my hand and trying so hard to block out every raging emotion inside of me.

Silence settled between us and I almost wish that he would yell at me…or at least say something because I don't want to say what I have to. Right now I give anything to be struck mute. These words…these horrible words burn on my tongue but I refuse to say them.

You are the strength…

“Why do I love you?” I asked softly.

“…What?”

That keeps me walking.

I tightened my right hand's grip on my knee causing marks to delve into the skin from the fingernails as I tried to move my lips to form the words again.

They come out louder but broken and wet with tears I am very close to shedding,” W…why do I love you?!” I repeat before I lower my head to the point that it touches my chin.

He's seems to be struck dumb but any minute I was expecting him to reply with `How the hell should I know?!' but not tonight. Tonight may be my last night to see him and I want to know why I have dedicated my youth, my heart, my very being to someone who seems to hate me.

Slowly I lifted my head, I dreaded each small incline though because I knew scolding salt water was burning my eyes but couldn't fall.

“I think that I know one reason…” I began as my lips quivered but I calmed them with a quick bite.

You are the hope…

“It's because I am selfish. I…I don't want to be left alone.” I confessed as I finally looked him in the eye.

“I know that I have no reason to feel `alone'. I have my parents who love me even though I am what I am. I have Rin who's like a big sis to me. I have cousins who are all like siblings too because we feel each other's pain about the curse. I should feel so fulfilled, blessed even… but I still felt alone.”

My fingernails dug deeper into my knee causing it to bleed as I fought to impulse to reach out to hug him, I fear that if I so much as move an inch Kyo might think I am trying to chase him and would run away. This is too important for that to happen.

I took in a deep breath as I steel myself for more fleshing out of buried emotions.

That keeps me trusting…

“But when I first saw you…even though we were just kids I felt it.” I raised my left hand to rest on my thudding heart, “I knew here long before I knew in my mind that I had found a missing piece…maybe THE missing piece in my life. Crazy right, I mean who knows that kind of stuff when you're just a little kid?” I said with a nervous giggle even though I didn't find it remotely funny and a glance told me that Kyo was either bored or was trying to plan his escape from me so I sheepishly glanced down at the roof tile.

`Th…the point I am trying to make is that…” I began to stutter now feeling like a complete idiot and wanting nothing more than jump off the roof and break my neck, “I…need you in my life. I just can't stand the thought of you one day…growing up and leaving me behind.”

You are my purpose…

Tears desperately wanted to flow freely, they pooled around my lower eyelids begging for release but I knew once I stared crying there would be no more coherent speaking. Closing my mouth I waited for him to reply, to say something anything that could either dam or save me.

Minutes passed and nothing came of them.

You're everything…

I almost growled behind my teeth but I had to hold it in check, “Do I matter so little to you that you can't even dignify my confession with even a single word? Am I that worthless to you that you…you don't even care that you are my world? That my existence relies on you doesn't concern you in the least?!”

At last he turned his head to face me he moved to speak but before he could I wrapped my arms around him in a hug, not the usual death squeeze of a snake but a motion that desperately tries to express what I can't say in words. The phrases, the very letters to form words that come close to what I feel fail me.

And how can I stand here with you…

Resting my head on his shoulder I hiccup a cry, I want to fully wrap my arms around him, to hold his body so close to mine. He has no idea how much this is killing me just to touch him even though I am very uncertain about whether or not he loves Thoru. He's arms never came to welcome me but I honestly didn't expect them to.

“I am sorry,” I whispered as I stared out over his shoulder, tears for hopefully the final time caressing my cheeks with their bitterness.

And not be moved by you…

“I am sorry that I ever told you that I loved you. I am sorry for making you apart of my world. I am so sorry that I have to let you go…but I have to or you'll never be happy.”

No…this can't be. How could I be giving up on him?! What is wrong with me?! I can't just release him to Thoru! Running away would have solved all of this pain effortlessly, I wouldn't have to say these horrible things and I could have left without knowing what happens to them but the more I talk the more I want to stay.

“I want you to be happy Kyo. I want you to find your `place' to find someone who loves you…all of you the good and the bad. I…honestly think that Thoru would be the best for you. I can never be like her…I am not that open, that loving.”

“I…I was afraid when your true form was released but Thoru went to you despite being afraid. That's real love….not my selfish clinging. And for that I am sorry for ever offering my affections.”

Slowly I pulled myself away from him. Shivering I want nothing more than the climb downstairs and go home, curl under my blanket and hope that one can die from a broken heart because I really don't think I can follow through with my promise of letting him go without a expanse of geographical distance.

Glancing at the roof I try to force my legs to unfold and raise me up but I remained glued and this time it isn't because my courage has faltered on me.

You calm the storms and you give me rest…

I blinked but no amount of blinking could brush away the sight of Kyo's right arm resting on my shoulder as the other arm wrapped very loosely around my waist and drew me back to rest my head on his shoulder.

“You're really dumb, you don't have to…apologize for that.” he said gruffly.

You still my heart…

My heart just skipped a beat, never mind he was kind of insulting me.

Still kind of confused I couldn't help but ask why.

Kyo glanced at me and I felt my whole being melted. He wasn't angry at me, wasn't screaming, or trying to run away…oh if only he wasn't attached to Thoru.

That thought alone begged me to push him away but then again this is something that I have been hopping for so I am not ready to give it up just yet.

And you take my breath away…

“You shouldn't…have to apologize for how you feel Kagura.”

Glancing up at him in disbelief I knew that my mouth must have been hanging wide open.

“But…but you're in love with Thoru.” I whispered in response as I lowered my head to face the roof tiles but Kyo perched his index finger under my chin to lift it back up.

“Look Kagura…I am not in love with Thoru.”

Would you take me in?

My jaw dropped, closed, and then opened again. I must have looked ridiculous like a fish gasping for air or something similar.

“What?! But when you transformed into your true form she went to go find you and I was too afraid to even look at you. How could you not love someone like that? Someone who loves so honestly and completely?” I asked utterly bemused.

Take me deeper now.

“Thoru…Thoru is a loving person. And maybe I do feel something for her but not love. She's kind of like a little sister to me; she's very sweet but a bit hopeless.”

I couldn't help to be giggle, not to be mean though because Thoru is a bit lost without other people to help her…but then again without Kyo I couldn't function so I really have no place to talk either.

And how can I stand here with you?

I felt a blush grace my cheeks as I felt fingers gently brush against the side of my face.

I couldn't help it I just leaped into his arms causing him to fall backward onto the roof. He left out an `oomph' of protest but I wouldn't be deterred. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him as close to me as I could without hurting him.

And not be moved by you?

“So that's it? You're mine again?” I asked excitedly.

“I never was `yours' to begin with!” Kyo growled but I easily brushed over the gruff reaction until he forced me to let him sit up.

“I…sorry I kind of got carried away didn't I?” I said meekly.

Kyo sighed but then placed his arm over my shoulder. The blush that had graced my face once increased to the point that I must have looked like a giant tomato. I can't believe this is happening. Kyo holding me in his arms and hugging me…I must be dreaming. I pinch the skin of my right arm and wince at the sting but find his arm resting on my shoulder.

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

“You know Kagura…you're…tolerable when you're not running around trying to beat me up.”

“Thank you…I think” I muttered still unable to move my eyes away from his arm on my shoulder.

`Maybe…” Kyo stared but then his voice trailed away.

“Yes?” I asked him this time moving my head up to glance at him.

Cause you're all I want. You're all I need.

“I mean it wouldn't be so horrible…if you don't try to constantly beat me up or try to chase me around so maybe we could…”

I felt my lungs involuntary hold my breath, “Yes?”

“Maybe we could…go out sometime…like a date or something.” Kyo mumbled.

You're everything.

“You…you're not serious…are you?” I questioned still not believing my ears.

And how can I

Kyo just nodded.

“You're just not doing this out of pity are you?” I stared to say.

Stand here with you…

“What?! You think I would do something like that out of `sympathy'?! I want to ask you because I…want to.” Kyo said, this time his head was turned away but I could see a very light blush grace his cheeks.

And not be moved by you?

For a few moment, my little world that had been spinning out of control all evening suddenly grinded to a abrupt halt.

“You really…want to go out on a date…with me?” I squeaked.

“Yes already.” Kyo said in a exasperated tone of voice.

Struck speechless I just stood frozen in time until finally I reached out with my arms and wrap them around Kyo's waist hugging him.

“I would like that…very much.” I said shedding truly my last tears of tonight…tears of joy.

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?