Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Beginnings ❯ Chapter 17 ( Chapter 17 )

Disclaimer:

I do not own fruits basket. But I do own this huge thing of tissues, and while half of them are spent, I plan on saving the rest as memorabilia. The bidding begins at two nickels and a half quarter.

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Chapter 17

60; It was a glorious dawn. None of the usual pastel pinks or faded purples, but the screaming neons of a summer on the rise. Streaks of fuscia and cornflower danced and fought against rays of patrician violet. They massed together, all at once in sync and discordant, a series of oxymorons. It was, in all words, glorious. And Tohru watched it birth with dulled eyes.

60; Her last morning knowing the Sohmas.

60; She had spent the night in a place between thought and coherence. Not quite sleeping, but not quite awake. She had retreated there in hopes that some absent memory, some hidden bit of wisdom imparted by her mother would surface. She'd find it and all would be well again. There'd be no reason to be sad, or worried. That pain that had scored itself into her heart would simply fade away.

60; Faerie tales and tra la la de da.

60; But morning had come and with it no altruism for guidance. Instead there came only knowledge. She had only a few hours left in which to remember, to think upon, to relive the seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years she had spent with her family. She had but these few hours to trace the gentle lines of Yuki's eyes in her mind, or hear the cadence of that tone Kyou used for her and her alone. She would never again know the feeling of Yuki's earth worn hand on her own, or the gentle confidence with which Kyou had once danced with her.

60; Those thousands of memories would be gone in but hours, and she had to pretend that it was what she wanted. She had to make the ones she loved believe that she would trade their faces and voices for money and a supposed future. They would learn to hate her eventually, she imagined. The hurt would be too great a thing for there to be any emotion left but hate. And that's what she hoped for. At least in the hatred-

60; But that was just a poor attempt at denying reality. Neither Yuki nor Kyou could hate her- that she knew! They could no sooner hate her as she could hate them. They had become a close thing to her heart, more than a closeness but a piece. No amount of naivete on her part could make her believe that either of them would hate her. They'd only blame themselves, probably think they had not done enough. Yuki would withdraw from others; he'd convince himself that he had been selfish and that she had been left with only this alternative. Kyou would beat himself mentally, whispering at night, in his nightmares that she had left because she was frightened. That he had chased her away.

60; And that's what broke her heart more than anything.

60; Wearily, she dragged herself up from the richly lined futon, absently smoothing down her skirt. A small part of her mind wondered what kind of impression her wrinkled clothes would make. The other parts scattered around dully, thoughts popping and then submerging as they flowed along. There was only one way for this to work really. Only one way.

60; She would simply have to convince herself that it was true- that she did want to have her memory erased, and that she wanted the money. If she could pretend that into reality, well, then, they would simply have to believe her.

60; Simple as that.

60; She stumbled into the small bathroom that was attached to the room. She flicked on the fluorescents, wincing as the unnatural light struck her eyes. Her reflection glared back at her haggardly in the mirror. Dark circles made lines under eyes and the light tan she had gained from her days already spent in the sun had seemingly faded away overnight. Hesitantly, and with a trace of desperation, she smiled, calling upon any and all happy thoughts she had. The thing looked unnatural and awkward. Again, she tried. She had to make it work! She had to...

60; She closed her eyes and summoned up an image from her childhood, one of the few she had of both her mother and father. They had been out shopping, and she had stopped to look at a bear in a window. The small stuffed animal had seemed as white as snow and as smooth as ivory. She had stared and stared, until her eyes had grown so large that her father burst out laughing and tugged her onto his shoulders. Then, with her hands holding onto her father's thick brown hair, they had rushed into the store and bought the bear. Her mother had named him Duke Basil. And they had all laughed.

60; Her eyes opened and the smile was there, the right kind. But her traitorous eyes! They looked as if something in her had died. If she came to them with eyes like this, then all would be lost. But try as she did, Tohru couldn't bring back any life into them. She wondered if all eyes were like hers- if all eyes showed the truth so blatantly. Again she blocked out the image from the mirror and looked for some memory from within to return warmth to those proverbial windows to the soul.

60; A small thing emerged: a night not long after New Years. It had been such a small thing, really, but her heart swelled with the memory of it. A heavy chill the night before had completely coated the path into town with ice. She had been so entranced by it, that she insisted that all three of them leave for work together. Without a second thought, she had run ahead of Yuki and Kyou, not really paying attention to her footing, and- splat! Down she went, rump first, onto the ice. Her shocked expression must have been pretty ridiculous because soon the sounds of muffled laughter had met her ears. Sure enough, Kyou and Yuki, fire and ice, had arrived at her side, both faces pulled up in soft smiles. The rest of the way into town had been spent with her hands cradled firmly in their strong grips.

60; The tears she had been fighting off came freely. It was so unfair, so wrong! It didn't matter how much she had already had, or how much she had already loved- it didn't matter! Because all of that was to be taken, removed, erased. She not recognize any of the faces she so loved. And she would have no chance to tell them before all this, tell them how much she loved them.

60; The sobs came strongly, from deep within, from all those dark hurting places the heart so cleverly tucks away. She wanted to at least say good bye, but not even that. She would never be able to tell Yuki how much she admired him, how much he meant to her. She wanted to thank him for opening his heart to her, for trusting her. She wanted to spend her days shielding him from his past, giving him memories to hide away those nightmares.

60; And Kyou- darling, lost Kyou! How much she wanted to smooth away those worries from his forehead, whisper away those fears that clouded his dreams. Tell him that every part of him was beautiful. Tell him that he was no monster, could never be monster- that his heart was too kind, too dear, too beautiful.

60; How she wanted to say these things and draw from their strength one last time. Her heart, it felt, would surely burst from within, her blood left to coat her hands and eyes and all that could see and feel and taste and hope and dream.

60; But she must smile. She must smile and say that none of these things matter now. Because now all that was left was to move forward. Forward march, soldier!

60; And she cried all the more, the dry silent howls of one who suffers too much and yet cannot give into the sorrow.

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60; They had all gathered at his call, just as it was supposed to be. Everyone had dressed for the occasion, knowing little except that it was to be an important meeting. Even Akito had dressed for the occasion, his usual sloppy attire tossed aside for a formal western suite. His black hair had been combed and his cheeks were filled with unusual animation. He was all smiles and good grace for them. It was to be his coup de gras, his piece de resistance and all those other lovely little french phrases borrowed for cliches. Ah the puns...

60; There had been no amount of still expressions when Kyou was escorted into the room, neatly dressed in blue slacks and a starched white shirt. The rays of sunlight struck lines of shadows across his too thin face, and his eyes held the dulled look of one having only thoughts and memory for company. Yuki imagined his would soon have a look similar to Kyou's red eyes. Despite Kyou's entrance, no one made any attempts to speak to him or acknowledge his presence after the initial shock.

60; Yuki tried to meet his gaze but Kyou looked only at the floor, his lips occasionally moving as if repeating something to himself. The slight smile on Akito's thin lips widened at Kyou's behavior and the smirk occasionally released a light chuckle as the murmur of conversation in the room slowly grew quiet. They wanted to know the reason for his call; and by all means, he'd certainly tell them.

60; "Please, if you would take your seats?" he asked politely, the ever courteous host. Yuki visibly shuddered as he slid into his seat at Akito's right hand side.

60; "I've called you here, on this beautiful morning, for an announcement. It seems another person who has long been absent from our company has returned to us."

60; A dark horror edged into the back of Yuki's mind as Akito's words took hold. The cold smile grew in force.

60; "Yes, the last of the missing three has finally returned to us, thankfully." A stranger would have thought these words spoken with sincerity, but Yuki knew them to be fully of double and triple meanings. Damn it, why had she come? Why couldn't she have just stayed away?

60; Yuki glanced down the table until he met Shigure's blue gaze. The man's carefree smile was absent at this dinner and his mouth twisted downwards in a frown. But it was the look that Yuki knew too well, the one that said Shigure had followed his prerogative to the very end. And he knew that this time he would not forgive the man. Not this time.

60; "I'm sure you've all missed her, and you've certainly guessed who it is I've been alluding to," Akito chuckled warmly, his demeanor much that of a party announcer or press officer. The slick finesse of a magician who knew each and every trick, and had added a few of his own devices. That was him alright, slight of hand and all that jazz.

60; "Tohru-kun, would you come in please?" he asked, one of his nail bitten hands resting on the table. The back door creaked open and Yuki felt his eyes frozen to it, suddenly wanting desperately, despite all that it would mean, to see Tohru's brown eyes and honest smile.

60; She walked in slowly, but deliberately. She hadn't managed to smooth out the wrinkles from her skirt and her shirt had several new creases, but her eyes were clear and the smile that lighted her lips was sincere. She had found a reason, a cause to put them there; she was going to help her friends.

60; Plain and simple.

60; So it wasn't with a martyr's gait that she stumbled to Akito's side, nor was it with halting steps, but with a surety and purpose that brought everyone's attention to her slim form. Without any words, her posture had already said words. Tohru was here for an importance; yes, an importance.

60; The horror that had stuck its greedy hand into Yuki's mind mutated into a full nightmare. The tarot cards' baboon of slavery and drudgery had found a new captive and he felt within every ounce of himself that when she spoke he would surely break.

60; Akito placed a hand on her shoulder to which she lifted her eyes, her lashes fluttering but slightly. His dark eyes sparkled and his lips trembled as he began to speak.

60; "Tohru-kun came to me yesterday with a request. I have to admit that at first I was surprised. Even I had come to think that she wanted only to stay with the Sohma family all her life." He paused, again waiting like the magician waits before he drops the axe. "She asked to be given a future, but really-" He held up the hand that had been settled on her blue bloused shoulder. "She can say this far better than I."

60; And with that he sat down, leaving Tohru to give the performance of her and those she loved's lives. She smoothed down her skirt, her fingers finally coming to rest in the curve of her wrists.

60; "First, I must explain. I'm afraid that I have and am a little naive. I suppose that this can be a good thing, when you're a child." She lifted her chin and met the thirteen different gazes at the table directly. "But I'm no longer a child. I came back yesterday to say good bye to my mother and move forward, because that's what I've come to realize. I must move forward. I have dreams and wants and wishes of my own that I want to seek out. As hard as it may be to believe, I have ambitions! I do..."

60; She cleared her throat, her eyes falling to the table top briefly. "And to move forward I have to cut off my loose ties. Do you understand what I mean? You must, because what I'm saying is that I have to cut off my ties to you, all of you."

60; In the back of her mind, there screamed a voice, a voice that sought to speak and shout that it was all lies. All lies... but better to lie now, than the alternative.

60; "My mother used to say-" her voice almost cracked but she continued on, knowing that if nothing else this would prove it. This would make them believe.

60; Forgive me, Mother! Please, forgive me this wrong. I have no choice.

"-my mother used to say that the future is something one creates, but a future can only be made when one realizes that there are things to be kept and things to be cast aside. It's like that phrase 'casting pearls among swine.' You've filled my life and I hope I've filled yours, but it's come to an end. And so-"

60; And this would be it. This would be the final piece that would drag the whole thing to an end. An end that would result in a world of lost memories and emotions.

60; Her mother would forgive her, but would she ever be able to forgive herself?

60; "And so, I've asked Akito-san to erase my memory of the Sohma family."

60; The words fell from her lips so simply that it was a full minute before there was any reaction. She calmed her beating heart and called upon that reserve of strength she had found in the tears from earlier. She would have to hear their anger, their disbelief, their hurt. But she couldn't make herself look at Yuki or look at Kyou. To look at one of them, to look in his eyes- they'd know just as if she had said the truth aloud. Of that she was sure. So she would look only ahead, at a point outside the walls and hidden deep within the horizon that promised an equally glorious sunset.

60; "Why?" was the first word spoken. Tohru jerked towards the calm voice. Hatsuharu had asked the question with little inflection, with his usual flatness.

60; "It's the only way I'll ever have a chance, Hatsuharu-san."

60; "That's a coward's answer. Are you one of those? A little girl who runs away and hides beneath rationalities?" Hiro's biting accusations rang too true. Indeed, she was hiding beneath rationalities, but it was the lesser of two evils.

60; "Nee-chan? You don't really want to forget me, do you?" Kisa's pained voice broke Tohru's heart and she felt a piece of that reserve slip away. But before she could answer, one of the voices she had prayed to not hear cut through.

60; "You're lying." Kyou stood up abruptly, his chair slamming into the ground. "You're lying. That bastard is making you do this. So quit playing around, Tohru."

60; Kagura started at his voice, some subliminal knowledge stowing itself away in her mind. So now that was really how it was...

60; "I'm not lying. This is what I want-" she tried saying.

60; "Damn it! I know you're lying! You wouldn't do something like this!" he yelled, his voice echoing hoarsely. Akito merely sat back and listened closely, a slight smile on his lips.

60; "I wouldn't? Can you really say that, Kyou? Can you really say that I'm so selfless as to give up all chances I'd have at happiness just to be with you? I think you're putting me on a pedestal. I'm human, Kyou, and this is the only chance I have." Tohru did what she feared most, she looked him straight in the eye, seeing the pain, the disbelief, and the growing fear. "I'm only human, not a saint."

60; "Don't be ridiculous. We've known you for three years. For three years, we've all seen how you act, how you behave, how much you care. You'd never willingly do something like this. Tohru, whatever he made you believe, it's a lie." Yuki rose from the table as well, drawing next to Kyou and placing a hand on his shoulder. They made a line of solid shadow across the room, the sunlight that poured through generously casting them into mirror images of light and darkness.

60; "Yuki, don't be so selfish." Tohru dug her nails into her wrist, feeling the dampness of blood as they drew too deeply. But she didn't have to say any more; it seemed that of all the words she could have said, those five were the ones to defeat him. She saw the ice pull over his face as a small part of him started to believe that it was true. Little bits and pieces of the changes she had undergone in her relationship with him would eventually come out, and he'd patch reasons and whys and explanations together in some sort of pattern. Some way to make it all out.

60; "I can't understand it..." Momiji rubbed at his yellow head, a pained but confused visage. "I feel like I should know you, but it's like something's missing. But, Honda-san, maybe you should reconsider your decision. You can't be happy without those who love you, you know?" He smiled brightly, as if his simple reasoning cleared up everything. "Right?"

60; "Oh, Momiji-kun..." Tohru's thin hand covered her mouth in realization. Not him, too! Not him, too! So cruel...but, perhaps it was better this way.

60; "Be quiet, please." Hatori's serious, but ever calm voice interrupted. "I'll ask you simply: are you sure? Are you completely certain that this is what you want?"

60; Tohru leveled her gaze with his and prayed that he would see and understand. "Yes, Hatori-san."

60; "Then I'll do it, I'll do as you ask." Yuki sagged visibly at Hatori's words. So this was it? This was the way things were to flow, how the river ends as the saying goes?

60; "Tohru, please-" he tried, ignoring the satisfaction that lighted Akito's face to hear him plead.

60; "Yuki, please I ask you, just let me go," and something in Tohru's own voice broke him completely. He closed his mouth and sat back at the table, blank to everything but the repeating images that ran through his mind.

60; Kyou just stared, his eyes focused intently on her face. There had to be some other reason. There had to be! This was Tohru...the girl who had accepted him even after knowing the monster he held beneath his skin. The girl who had soothed away his nightmares and loved him even when he yelled, even when he struck out blindly. Damn it, this was Tohru! His Tohru...the only Tohru.

60; "Tell me the truth, Tohru, tell me that you really want this. That you really want everything from these past years, all the memories- everything we've shared! Tell me that you really want this and I'll sit down. I'll let you go, but only if you tell me. Tell it looking into my eyes, Tohru."

60; She felt herself frozen. He was asking the impossible; if she did that, if she said those words! But there was no choice, no choice.

60; No fucking choice.

60; "There's no other way," she said at last. And her brown eyes, while her heart broke, showed this to be truth.

60; She turned away and nodded at Akito, who still continued to smile. She rose her own in return. She was ready.

60; Like she had said. There was no other way.

60; "Hatori-san, if you will? I'd like to take care of this quickly. My train leaves in a few hours." Any second longer of this and she'd surely fall, the blackness behind her vision was growing steadily.

60; Everything seemed to slow, each second gaining a millenae of hours and days. The dull thud of Hatori's chair moving across the floor as he rose; the fall of Kagura's hand to her lap; Shigure's knowing eyes passing over her in a wave; Kisa's tear stained cheeks; a tiny faded stain on the edge of the table cloth; the cacophony of insects swarming among the newly blossomed flowers; the hazy run of sunlight spattered against the wall, each droplet as gold as blood was scarlet; the throb of her heart beat in her mind- all rose with acuity in her eyes, and then came the last.

60; Hatori's warm presence next to her shoulder; his hand lifting to her cold cheeks; an unseen breeze pushing aside his hair so that all could see the one use left to his sightless eye; the tear falling ever so slowly; falling as did his hand to her eyes. And then- and then!

60; Light, brilliant light swallowing-

60; She knew this place. This kitchen and its gentle walls. She knew this tune. This song sung by a mother so very often. She knew this smell. This scent of love and warmth and savory vegetables. She knew this. She knew this all. And this window, encompassing a world of memories- she ran to it, her hands grasping for the fading hues of green and blues.

The window fell from her hands, melting into a nothingness. She fell forward, dizzy depths stealing at her arms, stripping away at her skin. She screamed and no voice sang. She cried and no tears wept. It all faded, losing color, losing life, until at last not even the void held substance.

She landed with no landing and felt the solidity of no solid. Lost, blind, deaf, without sense or reason she stumbled forward or backwards; no real difference as there was no where to stumble to. The blackness that had hidden itself behind her eyes struck forward giving back a vision of only shadows.

A stream of unknowns, of had once knowns, of seemingly should be knowns swept past her, stinging at her skin and leaving scars across her face. Each passed and a little more was taken. Being stripped away, being filthed away- she lost track of all that it meant, falling into a slumber of respite, seeking any way to escape the blackness even for the nothingness. For she knew even as it was stolen from her, this knowing. She knew that these thousands of pain and hurts and stabbing stings coursing through her heart and mind- she knew that she had asked for it.

The memories. All were taken. And nothing was left.

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60; It was a glorious sunset. None of the usual dank reds or dying oranges, but the shrieking neons of a spring on the retire. Dashes of crimson and gold swarmed and warred against the spirals of starched wheat. They massed together, all at once in sync and discordant, a series of oxymorons. It was, in all words, glorious. And Tohru watched it with unseeing eyes.

60; The train fled forward, each slight rise in the tracks coursing it a little quicker. A dull headache throbbed in the back of her mind as if she had been struck a thousand times over. But wondering how this could have happened or why brought only a blank. Amnesia the doctor had said. When she had awoken in the hospital, the tall man had leaned over, handing her a wallet and small suitcase.

60; The wallet had held her picture id and few other items. Of the picture with a smiling woman- her mother the doctor had said. And of the manila envelope holding bank bonds- her inheritance the doctor had said. She was to be well taken care of. A train ticket had been found in the wallet's second flap. And so she had boarded, her mind an empty canvas. Vague images, people without face or voice stumbled through but all else faded into a heavy shadow, and she closed her eyes.

60; Amnesia.

60; She wondered who it was she had forgotten, or if there had even been anyone there at all. She wondered how long it would be until she remembered again. She wondered if the memories of the woman in the picture would return, and if the train's destination promised a recognized face. Mostly, though, she wondered why it was she could not stop crying. Was it because the woman in the photo was dead? Or was it something else? Maybe the reason why she could no longer remember the thing called her past- maybe that was why she could only sit, stare, and cry at the glorious sunset.

60; The glorious sunset with its brilliant reds and earthen yellows- she wondered what the day's dawn had been like. And then she cried some more.

60; Amnesia the doctor had said. And she wondered why it was he had cried as well.

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< p>Author's Notes:

Well you guys, this was the last chapter. Now there's only the epilogue and finally we can move on to a slightly more upbeat story. I promise, there will even be humor in this one! Lord have mercy, but this was hard to write. And gods, I would love to spend my time ranting on how crazy I've been the past month, but I'll keep it brief. I had the misfortune of having my computer almost shredded to pieces by a virus. It was in the shop for close to three weeks while the hard drive was stripped and my precious works retrieved. Thanks be to God, but those dear people at the computer place were able to salvage my works. See, the disks that I had saved copies to were infected as well, so-

60; Ah, but I said I would be brief.

Epilogue will be up shortly. Love you all!

� 160; Love,

Carpet.