Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Force of Destiny ❯ Memories of Love Lost ( Chapter 15 )

Disclaimer: I don't think anyone would mistake me for an artistic genius, or a Japanese woman named Takaya Natsuki, but...just in case anyone thinks I'm making any money at all from Fruits Basket, I'M NOT! I don't own gorgeous-sexy Yuki, or creepy-sexy Akito, or out-and-out-sexy Hatori (the list goes on and on...). I only own Kaji, and Kuroko, and a bunch of DVDs and manga.

Chapter 15: Memories of Love Lost

"Kuroko." I whisper brokenly, gently disentangling the beautiful, glossy pinion from the ribbon, which I toss away from me in revulsion. 'A gift', indeed.

A broken cry from Yuki startles me from my despairing study of the feather, and all of its implications. I see him swoop down to grab the ribbon off the floor. He cradles the length in his hands almost tenderly, and I am shocked to see his shoulders shake. After a moment, he looks up at me when I call his name quietly. A single tear has made a track down his face. I don't think he is aware of it. His violet eyes are huge, swirling darkly with pain and fear. He looks haunted, hunted. Of course, I am pretty sure I look the same. With an inarticulate cry, he collapses to his knees before me, and I instinctively wrap my arms around him. I hear his low voice moaning repeatedly in abject misery. He recognizes the ribbon, then. Who did it belong to that it has such a devastating effect on him? Up until now, Yuki has been strong, despite all I know Akito has done to him in the past. As I kneel there with my arms around him, stroking his soft hair soothingly, his moans gradually crystallize into recognizable syllables. Not inarticulate moans, then, but words. More precisely, a name, repeated over and over, like a chant, a mantra of pain and anguish.

"Tohru..."

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I feel like all the air has left my lungs. Not even a punch in the gut from Black Haru could cause the devastation I feel. I can't believe Akito has kept it all these years: the blue hair ribbon Tohru wore to her formal meeting with the Souma family head. I remember it all so very vividly, the images, even the smells, so startlingly clear they could be happening at this instant, instead of over two years ago. How Akito flew into a rage and grabbed her soft, chestnut hair in his fist, crushing the blue ribbon tying it back in his painful grip. How Shigure and I jumped up to restrain the demon, afraid he would do something violently bloody, the same as he did to Hatori. What I remember most, though, was the feel of my heart lodging in my throat as Akito screamed his order to have her memories erased, his rabid fury at her assumed presumptuousness. And so painfully clearly, I remember her tears. Not tears for herself, for her fear, or her pain, but tears for Akito--for his fear and his pain. How she begged him to be her friend, to unburden his heart to her. I remember her silent, selfless offer of forgiveness and understanding, and our master's subsequent confusion. I think I fell deeply, irrevocably in love with her right then. I believed that, perhaps, Akito had, as well. I'm still not entirely certain that was a misconception on my part. But he just couldn't resolve the conflict he felt between his maniacal need to control the lives of the Juunishi, the desperate need for our unswerving loyalty and devotion, and the newly awakened tender emotions Tohru stirred in his hardened heart. No matter his motivations for finally bringing me to heel by threatening the one I hold most dear, though, and no matter how much pain and anguish he has caused me in the past, I will always be grateful he didn't simply order Tohru's entire memory erased. Regardless of his motivation, Akito offered me the choice to keep my precious memories of my beloved, and allowed Tohru to remain with her new family, warm and safe. Happy with Shigure. Happily in love with Kyou. Because she does not remember me.

As I kneel before Kaji, the beautiful, willowy, fiery woman who ignited such sudden, surprising passion in me, I am flooded with the memory of my last day with Tohru. The feel of Kaji's delicate hands smoothing over my hair, soothing my distress, reminds me sharply, painfully of Tohru's gentle brand of comfort. Though she was never able to hold me, for just a moment I pretend it is her arms I am in, and I relive our last day as more than strangers. As remembrance washes over me, I feel a twinge of guilt akin to a betrayal of the moments shared recently with Kaji, so much more than animal lust or passion, despite what Akito said. But the sight of the limp, lonely blue ribbon in my hands pulls painful recollection inexorably, unstoppably, forth.

....................

"Oi! Damn rat! What did he want?" Not even the irritating voice of Kyou could prod me into a reaction. I was too shell-shocked to even give a hint that I heard his rude demands for explanation of my sudden, involuntary trip to the honke that morning. Vaguely, I heard Shigure enter behind me, socks whispering on the tatami as he padded over to plop heavily down at the kotatsu. He was uncharacteristically quiet, which unnerved the high-strung cat even more. I was beyond caring; life as I knew it had finally collapsed down around me, tumbled into a pile of broken, fractured happiness. Some part of me had always been trying to steel myself for this eventuality, but who can prepare for the utter devastation of being thrust into a horrendous choice, knowing you have to once again embrace your worst nightmare?

"Well?!" I could feel the waves of fear coming off of Kyou. Though we still did not get along very well, we had come to somewhat of an understanding of each other. After I helped Tohru corner Kyou during his transformation to his true form, we had come to a mutual realization: while we were still rivals, and probably always would remain so, we were not enemies. We are family. We both want what is best for Tohru--want to protect her from all hurt and pain. Now, Kyou was radiating apprehension over the reason Akito unexpectedly demanded my presence at the honke for a 'private chat'. Instinctively, he knew it had to do with Tohru.

I turned my blank gaze to the cat, noticing that Shigure was staring blindly at the surface of the table. My eyes had to be huge, haunted, because that is how I felt--haunted, and hunted. More than that. Cornered, trapped. I opened my mouth to tell my cousin, my rival, my fellow Juunishi, what horrible ultimatum Akito had leveled against me, but no words would escape my dry throat. I must have looked like a landed fish, mouth opening and closing as if gasping for air. At my failure to respond, Kyou rushed to stand in front of me, his hands grasping my shoulders fiercely, fingers digging in to muscle painfully, panic rising in his fierce eyes.

"Oi!" his hands shook me a little, trying to snap me out of my shock, "What did the bastard say to you? Did he threaten Tohru?" Always his first concern. Always my first concern, as well. It was the same for all of the Juunishi.

I heard a harsh, strained bark of laughter escape my closed throat, and humiliating tears gathered in my eyes. Too far gone into despair to care, I let them spill over, hot tracks of anguish running down my cheeks. I was shaking now. Kyou pulled his hands back as if burned, thankfully turning away from my shame and pain. I couldn't move. I felt as if my heart had been squeezed into a tiny, compact, freezing cold lump of marble in my chest, and the rest of the space it used to occupy was burning, burning...I groaned with the utter agony of it all.

"Hey, sit down before you fall down." my fiery-haired cousin commanded gruffly, softly, supremely uncomfortable with my unprecedented display of emotion. Always before, when distressed, I locked out all emotion, showing only the safe wall of blank, cold ice I've built up over years of torment, teasing, and rejection. I suppose it's only fair that Kyou see me at my ultimate weakest, since I was present to witness his final breakdown and capitulation into Tohru's healing embrace. Tohru. With that thought, I collapsed gracelessly into a limp, angular pile of arms and legs, and buried my face in my hands. My humiliating tears had stopped, but the burning anguish in my chest swelled and rose, growing, attempting to suffocate me. My skin felt hot and dry and two sizes too small for my body, and my shoulders shook with the effort to not scream out my pain and despair. I felt Kyou settle awkwardly beside me, not close enough to touch, but near enough to let me know I was not alone. Not yet, anyway. Soon, though...

Finally gaining enough control over my voice, I bluntly told the cat what he needed to know. "I'm to return to the honke to live. Tonight." My voice sounded strange to my ears, even muffled as it was by my hands. Dead, lifeless. Hopeless. That's what my future had suddenly become: hopeless. Everything Tohru had helped me to accomplish over the last three years was a pointless study in despair.

"Well, don't go!" Kyou exploded, exasperated. "You don't have to do what that bastard says!" I just shook my head, unable to get any more words out, unable to explain the unutterably horrid truth.

"You don't understand, Kyou." Shigure joined the conversation for the first time. "Akito is the head of our family, the Juunishi God, and we cannot disobey him. We owe him our loyalty, our obedience." the cat made as if to protest this statement, but Shigure continued, "But that's not the whole story--" The dog abruptly cut himself off. It sounded suspiciously like his voice cracked, but whether in pain or anger was anyone's guess. Shigure's bland mask slid back into place, though, and he turned his face away for a moment.

I raised my head, focusing on the pattern of the kotatsu rug, blankly tracing the lines of its edges while gathering my thoughts. Abruptly, I felt stifled, suffocated by my well-meaning cousins. I felt my chest tighten, lungs constricting in a desperate bid for air. It was not the time for an asthma attack! Or, maybe it was. That would be the greatest irony: to suffocate to death before Akito could make good on his threats. The idea had a certain amount of appeal. But, if I were no longer here, I could not guarantee Tohru's safety from Akito's vengeance by giving him my compliance. With great effort, I put off the growing sense of terror Akito's ultimatum had germinated in me; growing, blooming like a dark, hell-born infestation sweeping across my soul. I needed to escape, be alone to think about the choices I had to make for the future, or more accurately, come to terms with the only choice I could safely live with. Shooting to my feet, I prepared to escape the room, but felt I owed at least a brief explanation to Kyou for my erratic behavior, and my obvious choice to bow to Akito's demands I return to the unbearable life I thought I had escaped.

"I don't have a choice, baka neko!" He opened his mouth, no doubt to reiterate his opinion that I don't owe Akito anything, but my furious gaze impaled his, trying to ram home the desperate truth of my next words, "If I don't go back, he'll have Tohru's memories erased. Completely."

I left both my cousins sitting stunned, and dashed out of the room, out of the house that had become more than a sanctuary from my demons. Thanks to Tohru's love and care, it had become a warm home, a haven, where I felt accepted, respected, loved--just as I loved Tohru. I ran blindly through the woods surrounding the house, my vision blurry from tears, feet instinctively following a familiar path, leaping over rocks and branches. Ignoring the painful stitch in my side and the burning of my oxygen-starved lungs, I dashed pell-mell through the frigid air, trying fruitlessly to outrun the horror the demon spawn generated in me. Finally, my energy and peripheral awareness of my surroundings gave out as my toe caught on a tree root. Before I knew it, I hit my knees painfully on the floor of a small clearing, panting, crouched in a huddle of horrified exhaustion, tears and dirt streaking my face. I curled my hands into fists, raking in great clumps of soil and brittle grass, a howl of animal agony clawing its way up from my chest. Unable to withstand the violent tangle of emotion burning within me, I reared back onto my heels, threw my face up to the sky and roared the worst of the anguish out before collapsing over my folded legs again.

I don't know how long I stayed there, silent sobs wracking my body, but whispered streams of cognizance finally began to filter through my misery. I heard the twittering of winter birds, and the rustling of the icy wind in the dry, dead tree branches around me. Strangely, though, I felt oddly warm, and it was this sensation that prodded me to take more notice of my surroundings. With a start, I realized someone was rubbing soothing circles on my back, and was pressed up to my right side tightly. And they were humming some silly nonsense song. It was a song I had heard Tohru hum many, many mornings in the kitchen as she puttered around cooking and cleaning. It was Tohru's body against mine, her hands on my back and smoothing over my sweat-dampened hair. I could smell her clean, delicate scent, and I wondered how I could have missed it. How long had we been like this? A part of me reveled in her nearness, her comfort, her love--but another part of me desperately wanted her as far away as possible. I wasn't up to facing her inevitable questions about my wildly despairing behavior, but we couldn't stay like that forever, much as I wanted to. Akito demanded his answer at tonight.

I took a deep, shuddering breath, inhaling the fresh, soapy smell of her skin deep into my lungs, desperately needing to imprint her unique fragrance into my memory. After another breath, my body gave a little shiver and I slowly, achingly raised myself to a sitting position, absently noting the torn, blood-stained knees of my trousers. Tohru's hand on my back paused motion briefly, and I held my breath, afraid she would lift it away. After a moment of hesitation, she slid it to my shoulder and let it rest there, her warmth slowly seeping into my skin through the thin barrier of my shirt.

"Yuki-kun?" she asked hesitantly, "What is wrong?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping against hope that, if I stayed silent, she wouldn't push the issue. Of course, I know her better than that. One of the reasons I love her so much is that she cannot let anyone in pain out of her sight until she feels she has done all she can to heal them. But she cannot heal this pain! I want to scream. And if she were to find out about Akito's plans for me, how she is being used as a tool of vengeance, it would crush her. She would take all of the blame upon her slender, already over-burdened shoulders, completely irregardless of the fact that she is as much a victim as me. In all truth, I feel blame. If not for Akito's obsession over me, Tohru would not be put into such a position of vulnerability. Hell, if you wanted to get technical, if Shigure and I had not invited her to stay with us in the first place, she would never have known any different, and would be living safely with her grandfather.

I told myself all of this, and there was a certain ring of truth about it, but I could not bring myself to truly regret anything that has happened, with the notable exception, of course, of today--and what would happen tonight. For now, though, I have the present moment, and all of the moments up until the bitter end, to spend with her. I felt a fierce resolve spring to life in my heart, replacing the cold emptiness of the morning with a blaze of determination to create as many memories to cherish as I possibly could. I vowed to never forget a single second of the rest of this day with her, up to and including that final instant with Hatori. No moment will be squandered, starting now.

Turning abruptly to face the anxious girl beside me, I allowed myself to simply stare at her, gaze trailing leisurely over her delicate features, drinking in her gentle beauty. Weak sunlight filtered down through the lacy network of bare tree branches overhead, palely illuminating the chestnut highlights in her soft hair and brushing her cheeks with delicate color. Her wide, innocent eyes radiated almost panicked concern, her desperate desire to understand what was wrong, and her love. Yes, I could clearly see the love in her heart for me, and it was suddenly immaterial that she held that stupid cat in the same regard. All that mattered was that she know how much I love her. This would be the last chance I would get to tell her of my admiration for her courage, her gentleness, and her determination to fulfil her mother's wish. My last chance to express to her my gratitude for her friendship, her care, and her support. My last chance to tell her that, because of her, I found the courage to become a better person. My last chance to say I wanted to become a better man--for her.

"Tohru," my voice cracked with the tender swell of emotion I felt building in my chest, and I reached out to trace the smooth texture of her skin. Cupping the soft curve of her cheek, I realized all fear and apprehension had vanished, leaving only hollow regret at how things had turned out. But that hollowness was quickly filled to overflowing with the blinding, pulsing force of my love for her, my absolute certainly that what I was doing was right and would protect her, finally, from Akito's further wrath. Turning to face her more fully, I brought my other hand to her face, cupping it between my palms reverently like a priceless treasure, burning the feel of her skin into my fingertips, each fine line of her face into my heart, where not even Hatori could reach.

"I love you." My voice was strong, certain, vibrating with the intensity and steadfast sureness of my feelings for her. I watched her lovely turquoise eyes widen in surprise, her lips parting in a little 'o', and I cut her off before she could say anything else, "I love you, Tohru. But I don't want or expect you to say anything right now. I just want to be here with you, just like this."

I drew my thumbs over her cheeks, down to her lips, and traced just under the bottom, lightly brushing against its fullness. When she seemed to draw in a breath to speak, I placed the digits over her lips, sealing the soft skin with a gentle pressure, and any words she may have tried to speak. I did not want our last hours together to be awkward, with her guilt and apologetic explanations of why she couldn't return my affection. I was content to simply be with her, holding her in any way I could, branding each flicker of her eyelids, each breath, categorizing every emotion that radiated from her bright eyes for future retrieval. These few hours were going to have fill endless years of loneliness.

Tohru startled me by placing both of her hands over mine, her tiny fingers cold against my warmth. Thinking she was going to pull my touch from her, I decided to initiate the action, but she stopped me, pressing down and trapping my touch to her face. She was gazing levelly at me, blue eyes soft with emotion, shiny with tears. I watched one tremble on her lower lashes, quivering there for an instant eternity before tipping over to slide in a hot, wet trail to our joined hands. Oh, God. I made her cry. I shook my head at her, making shushing noises, wiping the tear trail from her skin. Her hand never left mine as it moved, and I couldn't keep up with stopping the moisture on her skin as more and more tears fell. My heart twisted painfully in my chest. I should never have told her how I feel! I berated myself viciously. It's not as if she is going to remember any of this tomorrow.

But I'll remember, whispered my heart. I'll remember how it felt to tell the woman I loved how I feel about her, to touch her smooth skin, her soft lips. But I didn't want to make her cry. She's probably going to get enough of that with the stupid cat.

"Shhh. Shhh. Please don't cry. I'm sorry Tohru. I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget what I said. I'm so sorry..." And then, to my utter and perpetual amazement, her eyes flashed with something unnamed, and she rose up onto her knees and pressed her lips to mine. It was a chaste, completely innocent kiss, but it was a kiss. And it was from Tohru. Stunned speechless, I didn't even have the presence of mind to react, much less return the gesture or prolong the blissful contact. I was an idiot. My brother could have come prancing into the clearing just then, naked, and I would never have noticed. Hell, he could have been with Hatori and Shigure, all of them dancing the cha-cha with bells on, and I would not have batted an eyelash.

All too soon, Tohru's mouth separated from mine, and she said, with a touch of annoyance, "Are you really?" My blank look must have conveyed my confusion at her question, because she clarified, "Sorry? Are you just sorry you told me you love me? Or are you sorry you love me at all?" Despite the gentle tone, the meaning of the words sank into my surprise-fogged brain and snapped me into a response.

"What? No! I'm not sorry I love you, just sorry that I made you cry." I was confused. First she cries when I tell her I love her, despairing over how to let me down gently. Then she kisses me, although it was more of a friendly brush of the lips, and not a full-fledged, passionate melding. Now, this questioning of my sincerity, with almost an edge of annoyed defiance to the words.

"Yuki-kun, I was crying because I was happy." Laughter sparkled in her eyes, making them dance. I felt my heart swell in my chest with hope. Could it be...? Tohru leaned in closer, a furious blush staining her cheeks, and just before her lips touched mine again, she said, "I love you, too, Yuki-kun."

This time when our lips met, I didn't give her a chance to pull away. Burying my hands in her hair, I dragged her mouth to mine, angling her head to get full access, sweeping my tongue past her lips to dip into her sweet taste. My mind went blank as a haze of passion and relief and sheer joy blanketed my brain and flooded my soul. I never wanted this moment to end. Just this kiss was enough for me--I didn't need anything else, not food, not shelter, not air. I wanted to revel in the feel of her silky hair sifting through my fingers, absorb her breath into my body, drink in the honey of her lips for the rest of my life. I wanted time to stop so we could live in this one, glorious moment for eternity.

Reality slowly intruded upon my senses, though, and I reluctantly dragged my mouth from hers. It took a phenomenal amount of effort just to break the kiss, but, as much as I would have liked to kiss her for all the rest of the hours remaining to us, I needed to hear her sweet voice even more.

And so, at her solicitous expression of concern over my lack of a coat in the cold air, we rose and walked back to the house, fingers entwined, shoulders and thighs brushing. It was through unspoken agreement that we didn't bring up in what state she found me in the woods. Also through silent understanding, Shigure and Kyou left Tohru and I alone together once we reached the house. Though Tohru blushed fiercely, I refused to relinquish her hand in front of my cousins, and the significance of the contact was not lost on them. Kyou looked as if he were about to explode, face red and hair standing on end, but through some miracle of self-control--and I must admit, kindness--he simply turned on his heel and stalked from the room.

The only thing that marred the rest of the afternoon alone with my love was when Shigure announced that Hatori had invited us to his house for dinner that evening. His house, which was part of the honke compound. I felt a finger of ice draw a freezing line down my spine and prayed that Akito would have the decency to not be present for the meal, but hearing Tohru's pleased surprise at the unprecedented offer from the dragon forced me to push back my trepidation. Instead, I concentrated on spending as much time, making as many wonderful, lasting memories, with Tohru as I possibly could.

The hours flew by quickly--too quickly, and I was reluctant to let Tohru away from my side even long enough for her to change for dinner. But I couldn't let on that anything was amiss, and finally released her after a quick, passionate kiss. As I changed, for I had still been wearing my torn, muddy clothes, I reflected on bits and pieces of the conversation Tohru and I had been having. Throughout the afternoon, I had become increasingly aware of how blind I had been to her love for my cousins. I don't mind her love for Shigure--she regards him as a father/older brother, though I do occasionally worry about his innate perverse nature getting the better of him around her, not to mention his scheming. She's so damnably innocent! Of course, that's one of the reasons I love her so much. But how she feels for Kyou...

.I suppose my past jealousy and possessiveness overrode my observations and clouded my perception of the situation between the three of us. Or more likely, I simply didn't want to acknowledge the likely fact that she loves that loud, obnoxious cat as much as she loves me. Perhaps even a little more. Paradoxically, it is a bitter realization and a great comfort to know that, when I am gone from her memory, someone who loves her almost as much as I do will be able to take care of her, protect her. Although every fiber of my soul is screaming and raging against the need to let her go, I can't help but wonder if this will be a great release for her. All these years, she has been trapped between cat and mouse, trying desperately to strike a balance in our relationship that would not hurt either of us, but must have been tearing her apart. That, too is a paradox of harsh truth, and relief that the one I love won't suffer indecision any longer.

Underlying all of this was the petty, yet satisfying awareness that I had beat that damn cat to Tohru. Certainly, it had taken circumstances I would change in a heartbeat if I could to get me there, and I would be leaving her to my rival in a matter of hours, but he and I would always know I had told her first.

All too soon, we piled into Hatori's car, him having come to pick up us. Momiji and Haru stayed at the house, saying they just wanted an evening away from the honke, and they would ride back with the dragon later. In reality, they were there to pack up my belongings for transport to my new home--no, my old home.

The ride to the honke, and subsequent dinner, was a strained affair. The two hours or so that had elapsed since the doctor arrived at the door of Shigure's house seemed to crawl by as we Juunishi attempted to apply a gloss of normality on an almost laughably abnormal evening. Conversation was stilted, starting and stopping in spurts, and was liberally sprinkled with heavy silences. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a dull butter knife, but, thankfully, Tohru seemed blissfully unaware.

At last, when we could no longer continue to find reason to linger over our tea and prolong the agony, Hatori cleared his throat and looked significantly at me. My heart plummeted, and I felt the humiliating burn of tears behind my eyes. Not yet! I wanted to plead. I'm not ready to give her up yet! But I knew delays would only make the situation worse. If Akito thought I was even attempting to find a way out of this situation, there would be no predicting the consequences, only that they would be severe. I couldn't take that chance, but I wanted a few last, precious moments alone with Tohru. Hatori, of course, understood perfectly. I could only imagine what was going through his mind. Probably reliving every last moment with Kana. Just like then, this course of action was the only path left open to protect the one that meant so much to him. I could feel bile rise in the back of my throat as the doctor cleared his throat again and rose jerkily to his feet. It took him a moment to bring his gaze to rest on Tohru's trusting, upturned face, and when he did, his hands clenched into fists.

Abruptly turning on his heel, he said curtly, "Shigure, Kyou, come with me, please. I need to talk to you about something." With a small nod at Tohru and I, he stepped out of the room, Shigure rising smoothly to follow, his merry smile seeming brittle around the edges. Surprisingly, Kyou offered no protest or hesitation, simply shot me an unreadable glare and silently followed our older cousins. Throughout this strained exodus, Tohru had on her slightly confused smile. It was so typical of her, so very much an endearingly 'Tohru' expression, that a bubble of almost hysterical laughter escaped before I could stop it. And once started, I couldn't stop, until the tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was gasping in air through ragged sobs.

"I'm sorry," I panted, the wild laughter subsiding enough to let me explain my hysterics, "it's just...your expression...it was so priceless, so cute..."

I brought my hands to her shoulders and looked into her bewildered features, her brow knit lightly in concern over my outburst. 'Second outburst in the same day...she must think I've gone completely insane. First tears of despair, now this. But the laughter was a good release, as well', I acknowledged to myself, 'and did not cause her as much distress.' I was glad I could laugh right now, instead of upsetting her with more tears of rage and despair, which were equally threatening to spill over. I would cry those later...afterward. Alone. I dropped my hands from her shoulders after brushing my lips across hers and whispering a soft, "I love you." Interlacing the fingers of both out hands, I pulled our intertwined hands into my lap and rested my forehead against hers, just looking at her sweet face. A light blush stained her skin, evidence of our kiss and awareness of our touch.

"I love you too, Yuki-kun."

I never wished more than in that moment I could hold her in my arms and cradle her to my chest. I was very tempted to throw caution to the winds and do it anyway, curse and the consequences be damned. At least I would get the satisfaction of feeling her against me for a brief, timeless moment, before the rat spirit took it away. But I didn't want to tarnish that memory with the stain of the Juunishi curse, and settled instead for another long, lingering kiss.

The sound of someone clearing his throat finally had us breaking the kiss, both of us blushing furiously. Mine faded to a dreadful pallor, though, when I turned and saw it was Hatori, standing alone in the doorway. I guessed my cousins had left the room earlier so the dragon could inform Akito of my decision. I imagined the demon was positively gleeful that his plan had worked so well. I wished he would choke on all his spite and hatred.

It was time.

"Ano...Ano...This is...th-this isn't what--well, it is what--what I mean to say is--" the flustered girl tried to stutter out a reasonable explanation for why we had been engaged in an intimate kiss, but Hatori cut her off, trying to spare her embarrassment.

"It's alright Honda-kun. I'm happy for the two of you." he said gently, the beginnings of something almost resembling a smile touching his lips. He only really smiled for Tohru. "Don't worry, I won't tell Akito until you're ready." Yes, he wouldn't need to. Not for me, anyway, but maybe for Kyou. The dragon didn't know, then, that Akito had already given his 'blessing'. It was part of the plan to torment me, part of the safety I was soon to pay the price for.

"Oh, thank you, Hatori-san." she paused, obviously non-plussed by the sudden softening of the usually stoic doctor's demeanor, but she let it drop in favor of something more pressing. "Hatori-san, where's Shigure-san and Kyou-kun?" Tohru looked around in confusion.

"They went to say hello to Kagura." Hatori smoothly explained, but he couldn't quite meet Tohru's eyes. I was thankful, at least, that those two stayed away for this. Only Hatori and Tohru would witness my descent into hell--and only Hatori would remember it.

"Oh! I should go and say hello, as well. It would be rude of me not to, especially after Hatori-san went to all the trouble of driving out to Shigure-san's house to get us." The excited girl made to rise, but she was hampered by my refusal to release our entwined hands. She shot me a questioning look, but was quickly diverted by Hatori.

"Yes, Honda-kun, we'll go see her in a moment. But first, I would like to speak to you, if it's alright?" I could see the dragon's fist clenching in nervousness, knuckles showing white through the skin, as the moment was finally upon us. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to drag Tohru's mouth to mine and plunder it, I wanted to throw her over my shoulder and run and run and run...But I did none of those things. Instead, I sat quietly, gripping her hands so tightly I know it had to hurt, but she did not say a word. She looked politely to Hatori after flicking a glance at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Have you been feeling well lately?" the doctor continued, his voice beginning to take on a slight tremble. It was unnerving to watch the always-composed man start to fall apart, "I mean, you've been working a lot of hours, and your schoolwork and housework..." he uncharacteristically trailed off. After pausing a beat, he cleared his throat and settled down to the floor beside us. Oh, God, here it comes.

"Oh, no! Hatori-san is really too kind. Thank you for worrying about me, but I'm just fine, never better!" her smile was just as wide as ever, but there was a trembling edge to it, and a light of panic began to enter her eyes. She didn't understand what was going on tonight, but the constant undercurrent of heavy tension was beginning to catch up to her. This had to end soon, or she would be miserable. I looked significantly at my cousin, trying to express silently my sudden wish to end this drawn-out torture--for her sake, at least. Tohru is innocent and naive, not stupid. I didn't want these last moments together marred by her panicked realization of what was about to happen. That would kill me. I think it would kill Hatori, too, but he was still sitting there, frozen, lips pressed into a tense line, fists clenched; even his breathing was becoming less even and his eyes were suspiciously bright. This had to end NOW!

"Hatori, please..." I whispered desperately. This seemed to jerk him out of his fixated state, and his eyes swung to mine, a question in their pained, olive depths. I gave a slight nod of my head, and his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Are you sure you've been feeling okay?" the dragon reached out a slightly shaking hand to Tohru's face. She trustingly watched him place it low over her forehead, as if checking her temperature, "No fever? No headaches?" his voice cracked, but the girl under his care only shook her head in the negative.

As I watched Hatori move his hand lower on her face, getting ready to position it over her eyes, I knew that I couldn't let her go like this. I wanted to be with her to the very last, I needed to let her know of my love, even as her memory of me was being locked away. Just as the dragon's hand settled firmly over Tohru's bright, beautiful eyes, I leaned forward, pressing my lips to hers and whispered, voice throbbing with the desperate need to brand my words onto her heart, "I'll always love you, Tohru."

A bright flash of light filled the room, fading just as quickly as it was born, leaving me with spots dancing across my vision. I noticed I was still holding Tohru's hands in my own, our fingers locked in the same was her remembrance of me was now locked out. My grip on her was the only thing keeping her from falling to the floor, and as I took in the long, pale line of her throat, how her head was thrown back, as if in some wild abandon of passion or joy, I felt the hot tears begin to fall. Gently lowering her to the floor and releasing her hands, I slid around to her head and lifted it to cradle in my lap. I just sat there, stroking her hair back from her face, the salt of my tears raining down my grief on cheeks and lips still flushed from that last, despairing kiss.

After too short a time, I felt a tentative hand squeeze my shoulder awkwardly. I looked up, surprised, into the red eyes of Kyou. Blinking blearily, I saw Shigure sitting comfortably close to Hatori, whose head was bowed, back to me, shoulders tense and shaking. I knew I would care in a little while that the Juunishi dragon had taken this so hard, but not right now. Right now, all that mattered was this agony of loss that was consuming me, eating at my heart and soul with ravenous, enthusiastic greed. It was accompanied by an equally growing rage, a violent need to lash out at someone, deserving or not. The perfect target was standing right before me, fierce eyes radiating unexpected sympathy and an equal anger, although not directed at me. He was within easy striking distance. I could lay him out cold without any undue effort. I didn't waste my time.

Sliding Tohru's head off of my lap gently, I brushed my fingers through her hair one last time and gathered my meager energy to stand. Before I did, though, I reached out and gently took the green ribbon from her hair. After I gained my feet, I glared at Kyou, who had stepped back, and my fists clenched.

"I want to have a word with you, stupid cat." I ground out. The feral, wary look came back to my cousin's red eyes, and I felt a spurt of satisfaction that he still fears my fists.

"What, damn mouse?!" he shot back, feet sliding into a more solid, stable position. He was readying himself for an attack. I couldn't stop the smirk rising to my lips, but it died just as soon as he noticed it.

"You will take care of her. She will never be hurt again." Advancing on the startled cat, I practically growled the orders. No, not orders, I was extracting a promise. A promise for so much more than brotherly care. Even though I couldn't say it in words, I was demanding a solemn vow from my hated, stupid cousin that he love her just as much as I do, and that he treat her well. "She will never be sad, or lonely, or feel unwanted again." I was nose to nose with him now, my own fierce, violet gaze burning into his, telling him with my looks everything I couldn't bring myself to say with my mouth. Love her. Cherish her. Protect her. Because I can't. I stared him down for a moment more, until he nodded once in understanding. Good. I relaxed and stepped back, then turned on my heel to head out the door to face the devil.

I paused in the doorway, though, and said over my shoulder, "The yellow ribbons I got her for White Day...make sure she wears them sometimes..." and I was gone, pacing down the hall to the foyer, putting on my shoes and coat, then I was outside in the night, running, running...

After a while, I grew too short of breath to go on and stopped, leaning against the trunk of a cherry tree in a garden. It was a garden outside the main house. The main house, where I used to live. The main house, where, from this moment onward, I live. The main house, where Akito lived.

Taking a deep breath, I trudged over to the verandah, took my shoes off, and stepped into my prison.